Saturday, June 11, 2016

Overcoming the Pains of Youth

After writing yesterday's "Pains of Youth" post I probably seem like a pretty screwed up guy.

What I wrote about was really what was going on internally during the span from ~13 until 25.  I still functioned quite well externally during that period.  I graduated #1 in my class in high school despite all the problems, earned scholarships, became a gigging musician, and developed and honed my love of music, film, literature, poetry, and art.  I kept many interests up.  I learned how to build computers, got familiar with networking, built and managed a couple of fairly popular websites for some of my varying interests.  I took the "scenic route" through college but graduated with 1 small blemish, a lone A- prevented me from being #1 in my university graduating class.

While I was a total mess inside, my "outside" was doing quite well.

A lot of the broken aspects within me came from the fact that none of my accomplishments really mattered.  I was "encouraged" to do my best and when my best reaped a great reward, it was just onto the next thing.  For a stretch, I was the top athlete in my grade.  Every year I would win multiple first place ribbons on field day.  I would ace nearly every test.  I went to the state finals in math competitions, science fairs, young inventor's fairs, and the like.  I was on television for several of the accomplishments.  I worked my way up to second chair in my musical instrument.  My baseball teams went to the state AAU tournaments.  My soccer teams won local level tournaments.  None of it really mattered, onto the next thing.  There was no reward for success, only punishment for failure (failure = being not excellent at something).  Sometimes this was physical, but mostly it was emotional (being yelled at, ignored, etc.).

By the time I turned 21, I had experienced a taste of love but just once.  It was a strong enough, good enough, and powerful enough feeling that it completely overwhelmed all of the negativity that had been built up inside me.  It was so amazing that in the moment I could jettison all of my baggage and just love her, love my life, and appreciate what I had while I still had it.

The big problem was, I had terrible luck in love.  I just wasn't looking for the same things that my immediate peers were.  At 16 I found that 24 year olds found me attractive.  "If only you were 5 years older."  At 19 I found 30 year olds found me attractive.  "If only you were 5 years older."  Something incredibly weird happened at 21. Due to some very odd turns of events, I found that I was attractive to 40+ year olds.  They no longer said "if only you were older," but it did make me a bit uncomfortable although I appreciated the sentiment.  Another weird note was that from 17-23 I started getting hit on by gay men.  They were always effeminate gay men so I could tell they viewed me as a top, but it was a bit disconcerting to get hit on by more men than women over that span.  I learned how to thank them and say that I was flattered that someone found me attractive, but not my bag.

Through this all I had many emotional ups and downs, battled depression on and off, and just tried to be the best man that I could be, hoping that would mean something to me.

When K professed her love for me and the "kink requirement" that went along with it, my entire world changed.  Everything changed.  D/s fit like a glove.  It was almost like every hard experience in my life had built up to this one moment.  Everything made sense.  All of it.  The insecurities began to topple one by one.

Oh you only get off thinking about a woman dominating you?  No problem.
You feel like love has to be earned?  No problem.
You try really hard at everything because you're scared to fail?  No problem.
You crave giving pleasure more than sex?  No problem.
You'll look at her like a Goddess who saved your soul?  No problem.
You can channel your fear into motivation?  No problem.

A new world opened for me.  One where my merits mattered.  One where I could love openly.  One where giving my all was encouraged.  My methods of coping with all of my fears and insecurities were all of a sudden... strengths.  I felt good about myself.  For the first time I felt truly proud of who I was and what I could be to her.

I know this isn't a romantic view of D/s and "in the moment" I do not think about any of these things.  This is just my rational analysis of it and what it does for me.  In the moment I am full of love and I feel at peace.  Upon reflection I understand why K told me that I was a natural submissive but I never realized that it was like my entire life trained me for this lifestyle until now.

If anything, D/s has become my religion.  It provides the answers to the deep questions inside of me.  I gives me a sense of purpose and belonging.  It soothes my heart and soul.  It saves me.  Completing service and rituals to its Goddess is my life.

I know I can never go back, but I don't really mind.