Monday, June 6, 2016

The Scariest Thing in all of D/s

Recently I've come into contact with a sub that has been branching out in their local community.

I've been thinking a lot about random things lately and this felt like a suitable post.  I'm sure I'm going to piss at least one person off while reading this, but it's not intentional, I just don't feel like pulling punches and it will probably be a more entertaining read if I do not.

The scariest thing imaginable in all of D/s is not trust.  It's not being willing to open your heart and expose your innermost thoughts and feelings.  The scariest thing is not worrying about rough play, limits, or anything like that.

The scariest thing that exists in all of D/s is being a single submissive male seeking a long term D/s relationship.

In many ways it feels like climbing a mountain while hoping to win the lottery.  The odds are just so stacked against you.  That's not to say it's impossible, it's just very difficult and it's easy to fall into desperation.

There are basically 3 ways to go about finding a Domme if you are a sub.
1. Social networking/dating sites.
2. Getting involved in your local BDSM community.
3. Converting your current vanilla partner into a Domme.

I'll ignore 3 for now since it doesn't apply to being single but it is also a long-shot and doesn't make things any easier to think about.

Social networking/dating sites
A few posts ago I talked about the ratio of subs seeking Dommes vs. Dommes seeking subs in my local area.  It was approximately 120,000 male subs to about 80 Dommes and maybe 3-4 switches who identified themselves more as Dommes than as subs.

The numbers are so bleak for a few reasons.  To be absolutely blunt, most male subs are wankers and don't deserve the time of day.  The Domme factor is limited since they don't have to look far to find a sub, so most Dommes just aren't looking.  In fact, many have multiple subs because they can, usually in the form of a main sub (often their husband) and a few others that fill roles in their life (money, housework, certain play, etc.).

A Domme could have a 3rd leg that in the vanilla world would probably make her fairly self-conscious.  If she posts on a kinky dating site, she'll have 1,000 subs line up within the first hour that are already fantasizing about being trampled by that leg, worshipping a 3rd foot, or having a 3rd shoe to wank to.  No matter what, a woman will have her share of suitors no matter what she looks like, what she's into, and so on.

That isn't to say it's easy for a Domme to find a quality sub that they will fall in love with, but her chances are far better.  If you are a male sub, you put your pebble into her bucket.  You shined it, tried to make it look as perfect as possible and stand out.  You're still just a pebble in the bucket.  It's better to be the one who owns the bucket and can pick and choose, even if it takes time to find a pebble that you like.

As a sub, you face enormous obstacles.  If you find yourself in this position, there's a very good chance you weren't that popular guy who was confident that he could go out and get any girl he wanted.  You are more likely the guy who struggled and couldn't imagine doing something like that.  You are probably average in a lot of ways.  Overall, unless you are extremely good looking, rich, etc. it's going to be a difficult climb.

You create your profile.  You want to sell yourself but not make it sound like you are lying at a job interview.  Sell your strengths.  Share your ideas.  Maybe reveal a little about kink but not so much that you look like a wanker.  You browse the profiles.  You find ones that sound like they might work.  There's a good chance every single one of them involves some large compromise on your part, but hey, you work with what is there and make the best of it.  You find that best Domme that you would like to try to win favor with.  You take your time, really read her words and try to get a feeling for who she is.  You type up a respectful contact, citing what you liked about her profile.  You try to give a little bit about yourself as to how you think you might fit.  You hit send.  You wait.

Be prepared to repeat this process.  I would usually give 4 days without a response to figure she had no interest, especially if she logged in within that 4 days' time.  I actually got a response about 40% of the time.  I've been told that's a very high percentage.  If that happens, you start a dialogue back and forth via message.  Each of you reveal bits about yourself.  You hope.  You pray.  You realize you are one of the kabillion people also courting her.  Be polite.  Be interesting.  Be funny.  Be dedicated.  It's almost sad  how desperate this feels.

If you are lucky, it moves on to email/messenger/phone.  Repeat.  Elaborate.  Grow.  Be the best version of you.  Keep going.  Try your hardest.   If you're lucky, this escalates to a meet up.  This feels worse than a blind date.  You do your best.  You talk.  You try to read her body language.  If you do well, it continues, if you don't, you start over.

It always feels terrible to search for anything except perfect love.  In this type of courting you are almost always faced with major compromises.  The lifestyle Domme of your dreams has been married 10+ years and is living happily with her submissive husband.  You are hoping for the best with the ones that aren't. Chances are the available Dommes are either newbies, dabblers, looking for play, looking for money, or broken.

On the rare occasion that a Domme actually writes to you, treat this like it's the greatest honor in the world, because it really is.  She may not be serious about you, but still... it means you did something right in your profile and how you presented yourself.

Quite honestly, this is one of the most miserable things I've ever had to go through.  It's hard not to be desperate when it feels desperate.  I always approached it like I have to be twice as good to be considered half as good.  It kept me trying hard but still sucked.

Getting involved with local BDSM
I will be honest here and say that my experiences have been pretty negative trying this.  Some positive things did happen, but I will never do it again.

Most metro areas will have 1 or more BDSM social groups.  These groups generally have a few people leading events, the most common of which is known as a "munch."  This is basically a code word for meeting up for food and drinks at a bar or restaurant with others.  Most public outings groups have limits upon how people can act and dress.  Don't expect people prancing around in black leather whipping each other.

Attending a munch will most likely feel like going to an acquaintance's barbecue where you don't know anyone.  Everyone will have their own friends already and probably spend their time catching up with them.  Unless you are excessively good looking or rich, expect to blend in like a wallflower.  In these cases, it's up to a handful of people who will go out of their way to meet you, introduce you to others, and get you integrated socially.  This doesn't always happen.  It's a plus if it does.

A tip I give to people going to a munch for the first time:  never expect to actually find a Domme looking for a sub at one of these.  That just doesn't really happen.  You may meet someone, but expect it to take several munches to get to talking enough to even consider it happening.  The best I usually tell people to hope for is to meet someone who might be able to introduce you to others or chat with you about things.  Basically, make friends with someone who you have no plans on doing anything BDSM-wise with.  It's always good to have friends, and friends have friends, and so on.  It will also make you feel less isolated at munches.  If you become a regular at the group, they may end up hosting play parties.  This may end up being productive, but it's usually better not to expect anything.

Another note about munches, and I'm sure I will offend someone here, but the brutal truth is that the average munch will be ,mostly female subs, male Doms, and other male subs.  Expect lots of posturing from the younger members, e.g. the handsome 24-year old leather clad man with an abundance of guyliner will have his harem of (potential) subs vying for his attention.  Expect him to be trying very hard to look cool, and his (potential) subs trying to look cute/sexy.  The rest of the people will likely be a handful of very single male subs that no one has wanted in the years they have attempted to enter the lifestyle, and a bunch of married couples.

Most of the married couples will be male Dom.  A couple may be Femdom.  There will be no opening for you directly.  However, if you impress a Femdom couple she may have a friend that is looking but doesn't attend the munches.  Every so often you will stumble across a Domme that is big on posturing.  She'll have a bunch of slaves and be always open to adding more.  The keys to look for here are too much makeup and a wrinkle on her forehead from scowling a lot.  If you want a romantic relationship involving love, stay away.

Yeah, I've been there
Early on I wrote all kinds of tips and recommendations for approaching Dommes.  They were based on experience as well as the feedback that I got later.  I met F at a munch after having poor luck with sites (Reflections part 3).  I met T on a site (end of Refl 4 and 5).

When T was looking to add a sub girl for some play, she had me write the add and she showed me her inbox and responses.  1200 messages a day, every day.  400 a day when her status was set as "not looking."  Make sure you aren't a douche and you'll likely pass the first screening test: "first contact was not a dick pick."  After that it's on you.

I know it's daunting as hell, but steering the course and seeking what you want is better than giving up and wallowing.


  1. Wow, what a great article, Cissy. Thanks for sharing your insight on a big challenge for submissive men yearning to serve a Dominant woman.

    Keep up the good work, Brother. I am blessed to be married to a beautiful Lady who after 32 years of marriage, has slowly but beautifully ascended to her place of leadership in our household. After reading your take on finding a Domme through social media and BDSM events, I would probably opt for option 3 in converting my vanilla mate into a Domne.

    Thanks again for the great article!


    1. Sorry about that, I got interrupted typing my reply.

      Thank you for sharing Scott.

      After giving that person some advice it brought back a bunch of memories of how awful the process was.

      I hope things work out well for you.

  2. I've always felt sorry for subs seeking Femdoms. The ratio is ridiculous, and the odds of connecting properly are very slim indeed. Munches are usually no solution, and when I've been searching for potential subs I've found that night clubs are a good bet. If there's a club with D/s leanings, so much the better, but my best "find" (ultimately my husband) was at a vanilla club, and he wasn't there looking for a contact. I have a knack for finding men whose submissive qualities emerge through seemingly casual conversation, and such was the case with Karl. Several of my Femdom friends use the same method, and we've developed ways of luring these men to our webs. Personally, I find this a much more attractive way of connecting. It's harder to do than culling from the herd at a munch, but very rewarding to unleash the "subness" in a man who has never gotten up the nerve to actually seek out what he needs, though it's often an unspoken fantasy of his.

    I much prefer the "virgin" male sub. Educating him is such fun, and I can attest to the fact that it can lead to something very special if both parties are very lucky.

    1. Thank you for sharing, Lady Grey.

      I usually have to resort to winning someone over with my mind and then hoping they could find me attractive. Such has been the case in both vanilla and D/s dating for me. It can make things even more rough and daunting.