Sunday, June 5, 2016

New vs. Old

I alologize for all of the "thoughts" posts I've been doing lately but this is an entirely new style of writing for me.  Before my break I revealed very few details of myself in my writing.  Things were almost all cold, clinical analysis or classification, defining words and concepts amd the like.  "From my experiences" was the line I would use to imply I was talking about something I had experienced.

This has changed since my return.  I am injecting a lot of personal experience and contexts.  It feels different.  It feels more personal.  At the same time I feel extremely exposed and vulnerable after completing posts like the last one.

I wrote about so many things from 2010-2012 that there aren't many "new" topics for me to write about.  If I rehash something it's almost always inferior to my first exploration of the topic.  In some ways making things more personal feels new, even when talking about the same old things.  In other ways I feel like it reduces the weight of the concept by making it my personal special case in that way.

I don't know really, I guess I'm just feeling self-conscious, exposed, and vulnerable.


  1. I've only just started reading your blog, so have no history.

    That last post was REALLY hard to read and OF course you feel self-conscious, exposed, and vulnerable. It's so very personal and difficult. It's REALLY hard not to want to throw opinions and advice at you. From an internet stranger that can feel bad even if (or perhaps especially if) objective eyes show you a truth you don't want to see, but that's what happens. It can feel like judgement, even if it's well meaning. And sometimes it IS judgement.

    As a blog writer for many years, I have ups and downs, but there is something valuable in sharing what I share. If there wasn't I wouldn't do it.

    As a reader, what fascinates me is people's lives particularly when it comes to D/s relationships. Not fiction, not theory, not fantasy: seeing how real people navigate real relationships and deal with real issues. It's not only fascinating but for F/m, it's *important*. Because we rarely see it for really reals.

    For me, the support of my readers is valuable when I'm having a hard time. Their understanding is as amazing as their misunderstandings are frustrating.

    In all of that, write only as much as works for you, if it offers you some kind of positivity. Sometimes pressing 'publish' is fucking scary and that's okay if you feel something good out of doing it. Close comments if you want to get it out, but can't bear to hear random people's thoughts on it. But look after yourself first and foremost.

    *virtual hugs*


    1. Thank you so much, Ferns. It means a lot to me.

      I have had a lot people tell me I needed to get out to save myself. I have never had anyone tell me to stay in to try to save her. I know where things are probably broken beyond repair on many levels, but I made a choice to sacrifice my own what "could be" for what I have. It may be the wrong choice for me or for the both of us even, but I stick with it and live with that choice even though it's frequently painful.

      I know a lot of it is probably my own broken self-image but I just can't give up on someone I love, even if it makes me hurt as well.

      I do very much appreciate the comments about postings that are more real. I tend to doubt myself in the after-feelings of revealing things that are very personal. Hearing support always calms those doubts.

      Thank you again.

    2. My pleasure.

      My only advice on your situation would be to make sure you look after yourself. Whatever decisions you make and whatever you do, you will be no good to anyone (including your partner) if you aren't strong: mentally, emotionally, physically. Don't neglect your own well being. It sounds like it's going to be a long road.


    3. Thank you, Ferns. I appreciate the advice. It can be quite scary sometimes. I know some of my choice is due to logic hemming me in and some of it is based upon struggles with self-esteem and self-worth. I can't say that it's a "good one" necessarily, but the alternative feels much worse to me.

      Take care.