Courting: Needs, Prioritizing, and Sacrifice

I've tried writing this like 15 times but keep getting interrupted or distracted from finishing it.  This was written across several sessions which usually disrupts any kind of continuity, but we'll see how things turn out.  I also know this is sort of a BS exercise, but it gets my brain working and helps me try to look at things from the outside and it might help someone out even if my statistics and estimations aren't wholly accurate.

Successful courting is probably the most difficult thing about the BDSM lifestyle.  This applies to both subs and Dommes.  Sadly, when all is said and done, pure luck and random chance play as much of a part as effort and hard work, but without the effort and hard work, you are not in the best possible position to succeed (which is why those are worthwhile).

From the perspective of the submissive male seeking a Dominant life-partner, courting can often seem like an impossible mountain and it's your job to climb it.  For a Domme, it's like standing on the beach and trying to spot the perfect grain of sand. 

So why do people tend to fail?  Usually for the same reason that vanilla relationships and courting also fail.  People have a tendency to look for the wrong things, have mixed up priorities, and are unwilling to make the necessary sacrifices for a relationship to work.

To give yourself the best possible chance to succeed, it is important to go into the search process with a clear head and a good idea of what it is that you are actually seeking.

Males are very prone to falling into the myth of the idealized fantasy.  How much experience you have within the lifestyle can often dictate the realism of what it is you are seeking.  Lambs (newbies) are often the most off-base, especially those that have spent many years fantasizing before acting upon their instincts.  The problem with chasing fantasies is that they usually appeal to your sex drive more than your actual emotional needs and can skew priorities into a bad direction.


Women are less likely to over-fantasize about their men, but they do have a tendency to prioritize poorly until repeated failures teach them to look for the right characteristics.  When the the right characteristics don't get prioritized correctly relationships can burn out rather quickly.  

Getting Down to Needs

So what is it that we need?  I've always believed that what people seek out over the course of their lives is they want to feel loved, useful, and appreciated.  This is taking life as a whole and piecing together a composite of these needs from their relationships, friendships, career, and hobbies/recreation.

The BDSM-lifestyle adds another aspect that might seem shallow when viewed from a vanilla perspective, but when it comes to the D/s lifestyle, sexual needs get elevated to a higher level than they would be otherwise.  In this case I'm not referring to the act of sex or a specific act, but more-so simply the inclusion of things that turn us on.

Basically, our needs then boil down to this:
-To feel loved/cared for and appreciated.
-To have our sexual cravings met.

Prioritizing What We are Seeking
This can be trickier than you might think but in its simplest form it boils down to a few factors:
-Cohesive Personalities - do they have common life goals, similar sense of humor, interests, etc.?
-Physical Attraction - is there a sexual response when you look at them or think about them in a sexual way?
-Emotional Attraction - do they make you feel like you're on top of the world?  Do you idealize them when you think about them?
-Common Sexual Desires - does your kink and their kink overlap?

All of these are important to some extent, the problem is how heavily should each be weighted? 

Before tackling that question, I think it's important to at least acknowledge that each one affects the others.  A shared fetish can make someone appear much more attractive than they would otherwise.  A cold fish personality and emotional response can kill the sex drive no matter how attractive they may be.  A strong emotional connection can overcome many obstacles and raise the status of all of the others.

Of course this differs on a case by case scenario, but let's just assume that if several of these factors match up fairly well, it will increase the person's "stock" in the lacking factors.

The submissive man and dominant woman will probably have a slightly different order of priorities.  For our intents and purposes we'll say the individuals are seeking a long-term life partner and not just someone to play with.

For submissive men, common sexual desires should occupy roughly 40% of the pie.  While this might seem shallow, if you keep man's tendencies for fetish development in mind, he will continue to fantasize about his sexual needs that aren't met.  If he needs to look outside of the relationship for fantasy, he will never be fully committed to the relationship and that violates ones of the basic premises of the D/s relationship. 

Emotional attraction and cohesive personalities should be pretty evenly weighted, occupying approximately 25% each. This will ensure that you are both on the same page to build a life together and ensure that your emotional needs are met.  If you want to feel loved or if you want a cold-hearted bitch, if she makes you feel the way that you need/want to feel, etc.

Physical attraction comes in last, making up the final 10%.  This might seem low to some, but you have to remember that physical attraction is probably the easiest of all of these categories to boost by other means.  If she is into the same kind of sexual play that you are, that is a huge turn on.  If she makes you feel the way you need to feel, that is a huge turn on.  Basically, if the other factors are working well, she will be more attractive to you.

For Dommes, the structure is a bit different and will vary based upon what she is looking for: Dommes that want a loving, caring D/s relationship (Domme A) vs. Dommes that want a boy toy to use and abuse without strong emotional attachment (Domme B).



Domme A should value emotional attraction and cohesive personalities as the most important factors.  If he makes you happy and you want similar things in life, there's a good chance things will work out regardless of your differences.  I would estimate these at roughly 35% each. 

Since she is the sought after and he is the seeker, common sexual desires pull up the bottom run at roughly 10% of the overall importance.  Basically, she can expect her sexual needs to be met and he can hope that things overlap.  Like physical attraction, her willingness to cater to his desires or ignore them completely will depend heavily upon emotional attraction.  The more she loves him the more she will care about his needs.

Physical attraction fills the remaining 20%.  From my experiences, this often has a great boost when women have a great emotional attraction to a man.  It shouldn't be ignored, but in my opinion, it shouldn't dominate other factors when you are seeking someone to share your life and love with.

Domme B can basically ignore most of these factors but when looking at what drives her most heavily and the ability to maintain a long term D/s relationship with very little emotional connection, it might look something like this:
Physical Attraction: 30%.  It is important that she is drawn to him since she can pretty much choose who she wants.
Common Sexual Desires: 30%.  While she doesn't need to value this highly, if she wants him to stick around even through emotional neglect and physical abuse it better do something for him sexually.
Cohesive Personalities: 30%.  This doesn't mean she values him as a person, but it does cover that their expectations for the relationship are similar.  She commands, he obeys, and he should have no other expectations of her. 
Emotional Attraction: 10%.  This is not her concern but this may build over time if he serves her well.

Sacrifice
In a perfect world there would be no need for sacrifice.  Everyone would meet the person that they are most compatible with and we'd all be happy.  Alas the harsh realities show this isn't even close to being true and only a lucky few meet that perfect mate. 

The bigger reality is that the man will have to sacrifice more than the woman.  Due to the nature of supply and demand he can't afford to be super picky unless he's obviously an incredibly marvelous individual.  Working under the assumption that those words don't describe you (as most of us are a bit more ordinary) it's an unfair truth. 

On the bright side it is inevitable that both Domme and sub will have to make a sacrifice of imperfection entering into the relationship.  The key to ending up happy is making the right sacrifices.  Since certain factors are pretty easy to boost as long as the other factors are firmly in place, those are the ones that can be "bent" when courting.  He shouldn't expect every Domme to be a super model, and she shouldn't only consider chiseled adonises.  The right person will end up being just as attractive if not more attractive in the long run. 

Keeping an open mind about what you like and what you'd be willing to try sexually is also very important.  Love has a funny way of making you more willing to do things simply because they enjoy it, and you will often develop your own reason for liking it when you share those activities with your partner. 

It's much more difficult to boost emotional attraction but caring about their needs will always strengthen their emotional attraction for you and vice versa.  Cohesive personalities seem to be the one that can't really be helped as people will enter the relationship with that already in mind.  If that isn't there, the relationship doesn't really stand much of a chance, vanilla or D/s.

Any comments?

Window Shopping: Potential Gifts for Mistress

Keeping the Wheels On: An Exercise in Complexity

I know that I've written in the past that D/s relationships can be difficult when there aren't open lines of communication and how the D/s aspects can be dysfunctional at times if the submissive party isn't able to give any input on the direction of the relationship.

Now I'm in the midst of one of those times where there was some betrayal of trust that has led to an emotional conflict within me.  Earlier in the week we went out for the evening with a group of vanilla friends.  There was a lot of drinking involved and I sober-cabbed us back to our home and several of our friends came along to hang out.  Upon returning back my Mistress disappeared along with one of the men who was out with us.  I went up stairs and walked into our bedroom and found him naked standing in front of her while she was sitting on the bed.  I said that it wasn't okay and she said they were going to come downstairs again.  Twenty minutes later I returned upstairs and he had his pants on, but she was getting undressed.  This led to a bit of a confrontation.  She admitted that she had planned on pegging him (even though he was so drunk he could barely stand).  

There is a little back story to this.  For the past couple of months our lives have been about 95% vanilla and 5% D/s, so it's not like we are in some 24/7 cuckold situation.  In the past we had talked about certain BDSM activities that go beyond the scope of what I am interested in or are/were hard limits.  In those cases, we met the other person, got to know one-another, and she did some play with other men under some pre-defined circumstances and expectations.  One time she whipped a guy harshly with a single tail in exchange for having him clean our house.  Another time she pegged a guy a few times and he gave her many gifts such as a fur coat, expensive purses, etc.  These were people I knew and we would all hang out together as friends. 

This situation is a bit different in a few ways:
-Things had not been pre-negotiated.
-He was one of our mutual vanilla friends that is also friends with our other vanilla friends.
-It was done without my consent.
-She was going to do it without his full consent (he was aware enough to know he was going to be doing something sexual, but never really knew she was going to peg him). 

It's not like my permission is paramount.  If she feels super strongly about something that I'm not comfortable with, I am okay with her playing elsewhere to have those needs satiated.  I just want to know when my abilities aren't doing enough to satisfy her needs.  I have torn down nearly every hard limit that we established entering the relationship in order to become more pleasing to her.  Because certain things take time, e.g. a few weeks with a training plug in order to stretch out the rectum for a strap-on, she hasn't taken an interest in taking that time with me and in this case she wanted to look elsewhere. 

This hurts me quite a bit in several ways.  After four years together I'd like to think she is willing to work towards things with me.  I've come to terms with a lot of this but I'm just not sure how I should feel about it.  I'm hurt and angry and feeling betrayed (both with her and with our friend).  The night that it happened she played the "but I'm the Domme and can do what I want," card and that had me a bit frustrated.    If things were 24/7 I could accept that, but if I'm only submissive 5% of the time in the relationship, should I be expected to be submissive the other 95% of the time when it's convenient for her? 

If she's going to be dominant most of the time and I'm forced to adhere to a strict set of conduct and rules, then yes, I am a bit more okay with her doing what she pleases.  If I'm expected to be responsible, confident, and independent most of the time and snap into subspace simply to appeal to her reasons, I don't feel as okay about things.

This is one of those times where it's really hard being a sub.  "But I'm the Domme and I can do what I want," and "Well it was okay last time," just aren't doing anything to make me feel okay about things, more submissive, or to make me love her more.  Ignoring the lack of forethought and potential to ruin our public and professional lives if she had gone through with pegging him, I'm just completely confused and saddened by this.

I guess I don't know if I'm in the right to be angry about this.  In my deeper states of subspace I would probably just cry and hope to be punished for trying to deny her pleasure.  In the realm of common sense and normal mindset I just feel icky inside. 

Pleasure by Denial: Having fun by taking away his fun

He's laying spread eagle on the bed.  Arms and legs tied to each bed post, a blindfold over his eyes.  He's not allowed to talk.  She's kept him heavily teased and denied for days.  She reaches out and touches his penis and it immediately springs to attention.  Slowly she strokes it until it is rock hard.  He moans and presses his hips towards the sky.  She increases her pace, he begins to pant.  He is swollen and throbbing, aching with desperation.  He takes a deep breath and emits a low grown.  She stops.  He bucks his hips, fucking the air, whimpering, squealing, to no avail.  She is ready.  She smirks, climbs onto the bed, and straddles his face.  She cums to her heart's content.

Why is this situation so right?  Why is his pleasure merely a game of power and control that she always wins?  Why do we love it?

I've never met a woman that didn't enjoy this situation, vanilla or Domme.  It always seems to appeal to women.  However, many women, mostly vanilla but some Dommes (especially newer ones) wouldn't feel completely okay about this situation unless the story continued with a sexual reward for him.  Assuming he is a sub, here's why it shouldn't matter.

His primary pleasure is submission and that is being granted.  Everything that he needs to be happy is already there.  He's allowed to be with a woman.  She's dominating him.  He's given the pleasure of pleasuring her. 

Femdom Dream Scenario - Exposed Outing

To the new readers, my dream scenarios are situations that have occurred at some point in time during one of my twisted dreams.  Both situations and bondage devices tend to be a bit fantastic, but hey, they're dreams and in dreams anything can happen.  Most of these situations have shown up in dreams multiple times, so I will give a basic account and then cover a few of the variations that I found interesting.

In this scenario, a man is feminized and taken for an outing (usually shopping at a busy mall in my dreams).  He is dressed like a slut in a very short skirt and no underwear.  If his penis is flaccid, the skirt is just long enough to fully cover his penis and scrotum.  If he gets erect, his penis will lift the front of the skirt and expose his penis and testicles.  His Mistress accompanies him on the outing, but isn't "accompanying him," she is never far, observing him but never by his side so it appears that he is alone.  To make things more difficult he has been locked in chastity for several weeks/months and hasn't had an orgasm in a very long time so his sexual frustration is peaked.

His Mistress lets him know that if he can keep his arousal under control he will only be humiliated but if anything turns him on he will likely be arrested for indecent exposure.  He is then ordered to complete a shopping list of items that play into his fetish.

Variation:
He is given a fur muff to use as a purse and he is allowed to cover himself with it.  This makes his outfit even more humiliating and if he tries to hide his erect penis he ends up rubbing his penis with the fur muff, making himself even more aroused.  It also makes it even more difficult to retrieve money from the inner pocket of the muff without exposing himself.

This situation was a bit on the evil side.

Revisiting The Domme's benefits of forced feminization

Recently there's been a large influx of both Dommes that have entered the blogging world and other Femdom (or FLR) relationships that have integrated forced feminization into their D/s relationships and reading these blogs have given me some things to think about.

Much of what gets written about are the back stories behind the forced femme and experiences that go on between both Domme and sub.  I know this is what many readers want to read but in many cases it doesn't shed a lot of light into just why she likes it and what she gains by doing so.  For those subs out there who don't serve a Domme, that is where the answers lie in terms of courting or "convincing" an otherwise unwilling participant to give things a try.

I would probably cite the number one reason that forced fem gets introduced into a relationship is probably love.  A man and woman who have been together for a long time and either he introduces D/s into their relationship or she discovers his obsession with it and things go on from there.  In most cases these start with baby steps and lots of stumbling along the way.  Forced fem seems to either be introduced out of anger (e.g. catching him cross-dressing and beginning a Femdom relationship rooted on that aspect) or something that is reached slowly after fully developing a D/s relationship.  In the latter, there was usually some hint (or discovery) that brought up the theme long before and at some point it was introduced into the relationship.  In both cases the relationship continues to work usually out of some form of love for the man that has become their sub (or longstanding grudge that never would have surfaced in the absence of love).

Assuming love was the root cause, there has to be something beyond that for the Domme to want to take the effort to formulate rules and keep things going.  At this point things are similar to a pre-negotiated relationship that includes forced fem.  That is, we finally get down to the reason of what it does for her to make her want to do it.

Feminizing a male and enacting rules and punishments in relation to it means a lot of additional work for a Domme.  Not only are there the everyday rules, rituals, and punishments that must be upheld and the need for constantly creative machinations to prevent breakdown of the relationship, but now there's another party that has to be dressed and primped and an entirely new set of behaviors and mannerisms to oversee.  It's a high level of responsibility.

I believe there has to be something beyond that in order for the Domme to be willing to do this.  While each Domme differs, there are probably some common responses among them as to why they keep this going.

Here are a few reasons I can extrapolate from my years in the lifestyle:

-Increased obedience and submission.  Forced fem drops him into a deeper level of subspace improving his behavior and making him even more loving, attentive, and submissive.

-Attitude adjustment.  Forced fem strips him of his masculinity and dignity.  When he is dressed he is a different person.  This might seem similar to the first answer but it is performed to crush defiance rather than increase obedience.

-Overt Cruelty: "He hates it so I love it."  In these cases forced fem is usually implemented as a punishment.  If it turns her on to see him whimper and cry, this reason is fairly common.

-For his pleasure.  This is sort of an extension of love.  If he needs this in the long run, she makes it happen to ensure they are both happy.

-It keeps him off balance.  This serves no true purpose for her except to rattle his cage every so often and put him through the ringer.

-"I no longer see him as a suitable lover."  In cases where women seek strong masculine men, she likely lost her sexual attraction to him when he was outed as a submissive and this is used to remove any trace of sexual appeal.

-It makes him more attractive.  She might find him more attractive either dressed in a feminine way or she might find his personality more attractive when he is dressed.

-It is steering him towards his true sexuality.  In cases where he is closet gay/bi, she may wish to get him to fully open up and admit/experience his hidden desires. 

-A servant should have a uniform, so why not this?  For Dommes that prefer a stricter environment or a more formal Mistress/servant relationship.

I'm sure there are many more reasons but these are just a few I could come up with over the past half hour or so.  Please chime in if you agree/disagree with any of these reasons or you wish to add your own reason.

Revisiting sissy types and the conditioning of the male

As I was writing my last post I had a few additional thoughts that I wanted to mull over.

I've found it odd that my time here in the blog world has mainly had me reading and commenting on Femdom and FLR themed blogs but very little on sissification/feminization themed blogs.  At the same time, more than half of my readers are those whose primary interests are on sissification/feminization.  I guess this just strikes me as a bit odd, but I think it happens due to the variety of styles and motivations there are with forced feminization out there.  Basically, this post will be exploring why only certain things appeal to me.

If you look at sissies, there are basically two primary categories:
1.  "forced" sissies
2.  "willing" sissies

In my years on the internet trying to figure out my own role in this complicated mess of things, I've found that "willing" sissies tend to make up a much larger vocal internet demographic.  While much of this may be due to the lack of available Dommes, if he dresses without being told, I consider that willing even if his fantasy is to be forced.

Willing sissies can be further categorized:
A. Gender confused.  These are men that may more closely identify with femininity.  They may or may not wish to be girls, but they are definitely seeking something beyond their current masculine identity.  In these cases feminization may provide them with feelings of fulfillment they don't get with their normal male identity.

B. Heterosexual/bisexual crossdressers.  They may be straight or bi, but these men enjoy wearing women's clothes.  Their motivations may vary greatly, but the general outcome is the same:  they aren't homosexual but they dress willingly.

C. Closet homosexuals.  These are men who are gay but haven't accepted their own homosexuality.  As I've written in the past, it is sometimes easier to be "forced" to dress or fantasize about being feminine without openly being gay.

D. Out-of-the-closet homosexuals/transgendered.  These are men (or women that were formerly men) that simply wish to take on the feminine role in a homosexual relationship.

E. Fetishists.  Fetishists are a bit different because they are usually strongly drawn towards one or more particular feminine clothing items.  They might not get off dressing as a woman but they might get off wearing women's boots.

Men that desire to be cuckolded often (but not always) fall into one of these categories as well.

Forced sissies have much fewer flavors but there is some variety (assuming the choice isn't theirs and there are severe repercussions for refusal):

AA. Turned on when dressed
            1.  because of humiliation
            2.  because of a clothing fetish
            3.  because of subspace
BB.  Not turned on when dressed

So where do I fit into all this?


AA is an interesting group since it opens doors to conditioning a transition from forced to willing.  I believe I can trace my own route through this lifestyle by starting there.  My first few months in the lifestyle had me starting as an AA2 but quickly adding AA1 and AA3 into the mix.  Basically, after a few months I fit all three types of AA. 

After a few years in the lifestyle and sexual relief granted only under extreme humiliation and feminization my body developed a sexual association with feminization, humiliation, and sexual climax.  As time passed, at some point it turned me on more to be feminized and dominated than to just be dominated.  This was a strange time and it led to a bit of an identity crisis.  Over the past year I have started to associate myself as being as sissy.  When I correspond with others in the lifestyle it doesn't take long before I admit to it and I even created my persona here in the blog world as a sissy. 

I'm not sure this makes me "willing."  I don't ever dress up on my own, I only dress when ordered to do so.  At the same time, I know that any relationship I have in the D/s lifestyle will require feminization in order to give me maximum pleasure and fulfillment.  Does this make me a willing type B or E?  Or am I still an AA? 

I know it doesn't really matter, but I guess the best way to describe it is I am B or E if humiliation, deep subspace, and fur are involved.  So, a conditional willing or an enthusiastic forced?  Oh well, there's no point in debating semantics, but I think this might have something to do with the struggle to connect with others in this aspect.  I do not consider myself feminine nor do I have any desire for homosexual activities (in fact, this is one of my absolute hard limits).

I think I really like it for the mind fuck potential.

rfoj74's comments on my "Putting the Forced in Forced Feminization" post probably clicked with me most in regards to this subject. 

Returning to conditioning, it doesn't seem to take all that long to develop certain associations that will trigger the male sexual response.  If something is consistently present and focused upon during sexual pleasure/climax, it will slowly integrate itself into the male psyche and become a part of sexual arousal.  Basically, you can force a man to develop a fetish without his knowledge.  This leads to an even greater power play as he will likely struggle with this new identity (as I know I have) and also carry the stigma of being a sissy.  Overall this can lead to even greater control over him in a D/s relationship and reinforce feelings that you are the only one that could ever understand him.

Women and the Gender Reversal of men

Lady Grey left some comments on my writer's block post and posed an interesting question.

Her question was as follows:
"Why is it that so many women enjoy seeing a man dressed up as a woman and doing "woman" type things? I'm especially intrigued by the number of "vanilla" women who react with such amusement when a TV show portrays that situaion - women who would never dream of being dominant. Any thoughts?"

This is something that has left me curious over the years, especially the mixed reaction that is quite common.  Basically, women are amused by this but the majority of these women would have no interest in a feminized man as a partner or lover.  I will get to that later in the post but I thought I would put it out to the forefront for the time being.

I believe the root of why women are amused stems greatly to the types of societal pressures they regularly feel in life.  Men also feel pressures but the great difference between the pressures felt by men and by women is pretty simple: the pressures felt by men are consistent in steering them towards one behavioral style.  For men, it has been a societal norm since the breakdown of the caste/feudal systems that men should aspire for greatness in whatever they do.  They should be strong, fast, smart, ambitious, creative, "manly," aggressive, assertive, and successful, all of which are typically alpha male characteristics.

Women, on the other hand, tend to feel pressures pulling them in opposite directions.  These pressures are constant and always present stemming from media, peers/co-workers, family/parents, societal norms spanning several very different generations, ideas of femininity, feminism, and so-forth.  This leads to a mixed bag of expectations that become incredibly difficult to fulfill unless they stretch themselves so thin that they lose focus on their own dreams and desires.

Femininity:
-Be beautiful
-Be thin
-Be fashionable
-Be attractive
-Be sexy but not slutty

Career:
-Be intelligent
-Be ambitious
-Work hard
-Be content with lower pay for the same job
-Accept time-honored traditions of sexual harassment
-Be judged by appearance: too attractive loses credibility, too homely sets you back
-Pursue careers and fields "fit for a woman"


Wifely:
-Allow the man to be the breadwinner and head of the household
-Attend to "womanly" household duties and chores
-Fulfill your husband's sexual needs
-Take primary responsibility for raising children
-Look to the man for stability and a sense of direction
-Give up your maiden name

Womanly:
-Be strong and independent
-Never need anyone's approval
-Be equal to or better than men at what you do
-Be a role model for other women

Overall, the pressures lead to a giant garbled and mixed message:
You must be pretty, super pretty when you're "supposed" to be, but not too pretty the rest of the time or you won't be taken seriously.  Have lots of ambition and goals but you'll have to try twice as hard to get half as far and never expect to reach the top.  Be successful, but not more successful than your husband.  Be strong willed and driven but always submit to your husband's wishes.  Fulfill your career goals but also provide a perfect environment for your family.

So all women are supposed to be successful but not too successful transforming models that are strong yet always give in to men and attend to every household need.

The identity issues caused by such pressures on women contribute strongly towards things like self-esteem and loss of self.

While men might argue the pressures they feel on a daily basis since they are old enough to walk and talk are "equally strong," the great difference is that those pressures all point to a unified and consistent psyche, not one full to the brim with contradictions. 

Because of these norms, Femdom and male submission always seems to appear "more deviant" than male Dom and female submission.

Getting to the amusement aspects for women when viewing an emasculated male, I think there is a bit of a split here that leads to different reactions. 

A.  The alpha male that is a direct product of his societal pressures.
B.  The omega male that has buckled under the weight of the societal pressures.

Women love to watch the alpha male knocked off his high horse and have his ego trampled.  When the successful cut-throat jock shows up on TV (or wherever) feminized and humiliated, it tends to light a fire inside women, and all of the pent up emotional issues caused by years of conflicting societal pressures bursts to the forefront.  They see it not only as a man being cut down to size, but a symbol of all of the extra trials and bullshit expected of women immediately thrust upon a man.  This once proud symbol of masculinity has become a conflicted entity and he is unable to bear this pressure, so it shames and humiliates him.  He's not as strong as he wanted people to think.  He can't deal with the conflict.  This tends to provide great amusement for women.

There is a different reaction when an omega male is portrayed feminized.  He has already failed in life.  He is unattractive, unsuccessful, unable to overcome the pressures of the male world.  He is a loser.  When he is feminized it is "pathetic," and "disgusting" if it turns him on.  He doesn't fight and struggle to salvage his dignity, it was already gone.  He couldn't handle the more basic male pressures, so watching him crushed under the weight of a woman's pressures bears nothing to her.  She doesn't take pleasure in this and she is probably disgusted by him (yet oddly enough, this is often the basis of much of men's humiliation fantasies).

I believe these are the primary reasons feminization of men often appeals to women, but in most cases, the amusement is limited to men "that deserve it" and in cases where it happens to a successful yet unlikable male character. 

If you take things a bit further, to say, what types of women would enjoy doing this to their male partner/lover, there is another great divide.  There's plenty of women out there, both vanilla and Dommes, that would be put off if their men got turned on by being feminized (even if it was forced).  This tends to conflict with the type of man that they are "supposed" to be with and the role he is "supposed" to have in their relationship.  I think there is also some inherent fear that this means he is automatically gay and that he will leave her for a man.  Either way, if it does turn him on, it tends to shatter her notions of what he is supposed to be and she often rejects him after that.  Oddly enough, much of who he is was probably an act in the first place as he was adhering to societal pressures of what he as a man is supposed to be like.  If he sits around playing video games or obsessing over $1000 golf clubs instead of helping at all around the house, this isn't manly man behaviors nor is it submissive, it's probably just who he is.

This leaves the women who enjoy the idea of their partner/lover being feminized.  These women have often rejected much of the "expectations of women" that were placed on them by society.  She might enjoy it because it will bond them on another level or because it brings him intense humiliation or arousal, or just because it gives her a charge of power.  In any case, these women tend to be in the minority.

Any thoughts?

Writer's block

I'm not sure if it's stress or lack of action in my relationship but I'm having a severe case of writer's block.  I have a handful of half-finished posts that just don't seem to be going anywhere.

If anyone has any questions or ideas, please let me know as I'm in need of a bit of a jump-start right now. 

Yeah, I'm predictable

I know I'm predictable, but this is so hot (albeit not very practical nor functional). 

I'm at a complete and total loss over these boots though.  I'm not sure if I think they're sexy or if I hate them.  I guess I would probably have to see the rest of the woman to know for sure.

Keeping up the momentum

A while back on my July 14th post, I was writing as a response to Lady Grey's suggestion to write about the responsibility of health concerns when it came to D/s activities.  When I was trying to think about what to write about this evening (it's been a while since my last "intellectual" post, if you want to call them that) and mixed with my current situation it gave me some things to think about.

I always applaud the Dommes out there that are able to keep their D/s lifestyles going a good portion of the time, always finding ways to keep their subs captivated, or at least on edge.   It's common, when stresses of life or health come into play that the D/s sometimes fades away for periods as things get settled.  This isn't always the case but you'll find many blogs shared by Dommes and subs that often write about dry spells where both parties seem a bit unhappy and not getting enough "quality" time to spend with one another.

My Mistress and I are currently in a bit of a dry spell, in that it's probably been 5 or 6 weeks since our last D/s interaction.  We've both been busy, stressed, stretched in both time and money, and drifting slowly towards the land known as depression.  Even with seeing this it's still difficult to snap out of the funk.  In a D/s relationship this gets especially tricky due to the nature of the roles.

When a sub feels neglected it is generally acceptable behavior to communicate this to the Domme but doing more than stating what is most likely obvious to both parties often nears a D/s taboo.  It's a bit odd in this way.  "We haven't had much time for play and I miss it," is okay but to insist that it should happen soon and in what way/shape/form it should occur treads the line of the ever-so-dreaded topping from the bottom.  If his pleas go unheeded it may lead to relationship stress and resentment.  If he begins to insist on anything, it starts to erode the very nature of D/s.

On the other hand, if the feelings are felt more strongly by the Domme, she may simply instigate whatever D/s activity she wishes in the moment and the problem is solved for both parties.

A vanilla outsider might say this is unfair but this unfairness is at the the root of the D/s relationship: she gets what she wants when she wants it, he might get what he wants if she permits that to happen.  The difficulty in this is that it puts a large amount of responsibility on the Domme while rendering the sub helpless to shoulder some of the burden.  I like to believe that most D/s relationships are happier when they are immersed in D/s and less happy when the D/s is absent. 

So who is responsible?  It's hard to say this without coming off as a lazy male, but in my opinion it ends up being primarily up to the Domme to keep things rolling.  That doesn't mean she has to always come through with fetish and theatrics, but if she is calling the shots on when/how the kink happens, it is up to her to find a way to inject kink when she can, even if it's just to keep both parties spirits up.  It could be an eventful evening or a small gesture (e.g. having him do chores naked wearing just a collar or servicing her before bedtime). 

That doesn't free the sub from responsibilities but his are a bit different.  Rather than instigating the kink it is up to him to keep her feeling sexy and powerful by his words and actions.  Romantic gestures and continued attentiveness through the drought are on his shoulders. 

Basically, I think that it's up to him to keep her feeling like a sexy and powerful Mistress while it's up to her to act as that Mistress enough to keep both parties happy and sane.

Any thoughts?

This is going to be a good year

I'm really liking what I'm seeing so far from the European designers...

No fur... but wow.

The gloves this year are quite fetish-oriented...

This is one of those times I really wish I made more money so that I could buy Mistress a few new coats this year.

Illusion of Choice part 2 - Conditional Choices

Lady Grey's comments on my first post about the illusion of choice brought up a very interesting idea:  conditional choices. 

If the standard illusion of choice breeds a lose-lose situation, a conditional choice situation gives the submissive slightly different outcomes to consider, and could be considered more of a win-lose-lose situation.  I consider conditional choice to still carry the illusion of power since actual choice in most cases wouldn't include said conditions.

A few examples:

-A sub can have an orgasm if they are willing to take 50 whacks with the paddle or they can continue to be denied orgasm without a consequence (or with a lesser consequence, such as 10 whacks with the paddle).

-A sub can be feminized and humiliated in public or avoid the humiliation in exchange for 90 days of chastity.

-A sub can sleep in bed with his Mistress while in chains and gagged or he can sleep unbound in a different room.

Conditional choices carry a slightly different type of emotional reaction for the sub.  While they have the potential to receive pleasure (or avoid something very unpleasant) it is at the expense of something that is unpleasant to a lesser degree or unpleasant in a different way.  This carries an even greater "this is what you wanted" factor for the Domme to hold over him but it can also make the pleasure sweeter since it feels earned/deserved after meeting the conditions.

Since feelings of deserving and entitlement can cause a sub's male ego to grow I tend to believe that conditional choices are probably best employed in one of these situations:
1.  The conditional choice is a means to avoiding great unpleasantness rather than a true reward. 
Or
2.  The conditions needed to be met for the reward are significantly worse than the pleasure gained by the reward.

In these two types of scenarios I see the greatest potential for a deep mind fuck.

For the time being...

Sorry I haven't been "up to speed," things are still stabilizing and I haven't had the free time to dedicate towards blogging or commenting on other blogs that I had hoped.

I may be able to whip up a quick something this evening, but if I can't...

I have a feeling that shopping with Mistress will be quite fun this year.  On a quick side note (that may just be my insecurity talking), but please let me know if you enjoy (or dislike) the posts with pictures of clothing that I think my Mistress would enjoy wearing (and look damn sexy while doing so) as I seem to get little if any response on these types of posts and I can always stop. 

Domination Tool: The Illusion of Choice

Rfoj74 left some comments on one of my earlier posts that helped inspire the idea for this post.

A definite power play dynamic in any D/s relationship is when a sub is offered the illusion of choice.  The illusion of choice occurs when a sub is given (or forced into) making a decision in place of said decision being made by the Domme.

The illusion of choice differs from actual choice in a few key ways:
-Actual choice encourages free will and freedom.  The illusion of choice provides mental anguish and in most cases, increasing levels of subspace.
-Actual choice implies a position of power.  The illusion of choice emphasizes power over the sub.
-Actual choice (usually) reflects the true feelings of the chooser.  The illusion of choice may be manipulated or coerced regardless of the sub's feelings.

A few examples:
-A non-masochistic sub is forced to choose between being beaten with a paddle or a crop (if he doesn't choose, he will be beaten by both).  He may make his choice based upon what he sees as the lesser of two evils, vying for what he believes will be the least painful option.  However, if he knows the tendencies of his Mistress, she may beat him more severely if he chooses the less painful instrument so he may in fact go for the more painful option.  In either case the outcome is unpleasant for him but at the same time the Domme can cite that "this is what he chose."  Given actual choice he probably would have selected "not being beaten."

-A sub forced to choose between orgasm denial or a prostate milking when he really just wants an orgasm.

-A sub forced to choose between B-cup or C-cup breast forms when being feminized against his will.

In the past I have been given lose-lose choice situations such as choosing between a pink hat with white fur earmuffs or a white hat with pink fur earmuffs while we go for a drive and if I didn't choose I would receive a beating and she would choose (something worse) for me. 

The illusion of choices between two bad things give the sub the feeling that they have some freedom yet do nothing to empower him in the slightest.  A time limit placed upon the decision process (e.g. until the count of five) can give a Domme some enjoyment watching the sub fret and panic over which decision will end up being "better" than the other.  This is definitely a tactic that also falls into the realm of the mindfuck.

So far...

So far I'm liking what I'm seeing this year from the Fall/Winter fashions.

I'm Back

After a week or so without internet I'm finally back.

I look forward to catching up on all the blogs I've fallen behind on.

Last post for a bit

I have a few half-typed posts saved in the que but I didn't have time to finish them.

I will be internet-less for a few days coming up so I figured I'd give a quick link that I thought was an interesting read.

On Giles English's blog he posted a wonderful write-up of breaking down the roles in a BDSM scenario.  While I'm guessing it's heavily focused from a writer's standpoint this can be especially useful for understanding why you like what you like, and more importantly, why she likes what she likes (and why it may not be what you like).  I'd highly recommend giving it a read.

If you aren't familiar with his work, his novel, The Chastity Belt, is available for download here.
This was the work that first gave chastity some kind of fetish appeal to me when I read it years ago.

Goosebumps

It's been a long time since I was searching for a Mistress but it always gives me goose bumps when I read a profile of a Domme that announces "No masochists or pain sluts.  I don't want you to have any enjoyment when I hurt you."

When I was looking I only once wrote to a woman like that and it was asking the question that I know could make me unhappy, and that was if it would be working towards a loving long term relationship.  I didn't get a response and I still wonder why that kind of mindset "gets me" in just the right way even though I know that it probably wouldn't be the right choice.

Putting the "Forced" in Forced Feminization

I am in the midst of some busy things in my personal life so my access to the internet will be sporadic at best over the next 7-10 days.  Hopefully everything should smooth out soon.

I was reading the blog at:  http://reluctantmistress.blogspot.com/2010/08/forced-feminisation.html
and something in the comments got me thinking about this topic again.

How does a D/s relationship make feminization feel forced when it's obviously a source of pleasure for the sub.  I have no desire to crossdress but forced feminization has become a big part of my submissive life.  There always seems to be a fine line between a sub sharing his feelings about what aspects turn him on and attempts at topping from the bottom.

What I was thinking about are ways to drive home the forced aspect of feminization and what sort of things are capable of doing that.  Each type of activity seems to stem from a particular root aspect that is usually more D/s than sissy fantasy.

My list so far:
1.  Remove choice. 
-Lock away (or throw away) his male garments in a "wear this or go naked" sense. 
-Choose what he has to wear.
-Threaten compliance with punishment.
-Do it whenever, even (or especially) when he isn't in the mood.

2.  Establish feelings of inescapability.
-Lock the feminine items on.

3.  Create a negative association.
-Establish a link between dressing and chastity and/or orgasm denial.
-Place him in uncomfortable situations.
-Work him hard with unrealistic expectations when he is dressed.
-Make sure he is dressed during any and all punishments.

4.  Establish permanence.  (This is a bit extreme but also removes the fantasy connotations)
-Breast implants or cosmetic surgery.
-Feminine tattoos and/or tattooed make-up/eyebrows.
-Horomone therapy.

#4 most likely goes beyond the realm of what most couples will ever wish to experience but I figured I would list them anyways since they fit in with the overall theme.

Any thoughts or additions?

Fiction/story ideas

I see from the surveys that people are fairly in agreement that they would like to see me write some stories or fictional scenes.  As I've said before I have a lot of half-finished writings as well as a lot of ideas for premises that could easily be extended to novel length.

Since it would be you, the readers, that would actually be reading said writings, I have a few questions for you that may steer in which direction I go with writing.

Think of this as a survey and you can respond with answers in the comments.  I don't care if it's anonymous or not but I like to know my audience.

1.  In school I was a math and science guy so things like writing style and prose aren't things I'm well-versed in.  I do my best to try to have some style but sometimes I struggle.  Are you okay with my writing being on the weaker side of things?   (it will likely improve over time)

2.  As you can probably tell so far, I have some rather particular fetishes, which to me are enjoyable but to others it may get rather repetitive and boring since it's not their cup of tea.  In all honesty, these will probably serve as masturbation fantasies for most readers, but for me to take genuine interest in writing them, it will probably wreak heavily of my own specific fetishes.  Are you prepared for (or even encouraging) this to happen?

3.  As I've also written before, on occasion I struggle to get into the true mindset and motivations of a Domme.  Basically, I just sort of assume that being on the dominant end of certain activities "does it" for her in a similar way that being on the submissive end of the same activities "does it" for me.  Would you like me to make an attempt at capturing the mindsets of both roles or just stick to the submissive side of things?  If I did try to capture the "essence" of a Domme it would be in stories where the Dommes were the primary characters.

4.  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being most vanilla and 10 being the most extreme, how extreme do you like your Femdom to go? 

5.  Do you prefer stories that are more realistic or ones that throw realism and practicality to the wind and incorporate fantasy elements that go beyond what could happen in every day life?

6.  Do you prefer situations that flow along on a more consensual level or ones that are rather inescapable?  Or maybe a mix of both, sort of in a "bitten off more than he could chew" variety?

Any input would be much appreciated.

Public Humiliation: The Dunce Cap

The Dunce Cap has a long and interesting origin as a form of public humiliation.  During medieval times the Dunce Cap was originally used by a group of scholars led by John Duns Scotus, who's followers were known as duns, or dunsmen.  The conically shaped dunce cap was intended to absorb knowledge through the point and funnel it down to the wearer.  During the Renaissance period, this idea was eventually proven to be wrong.

One of the early uses of the Dunce Cap as a form of humiliation occurred during the Spanish Inquisition.  Individuals accused of heresy would be forced to wear them in public as a way of being marked.  This practice continued in schools and the term Dunce soon came to be synonymous with being an idiot or someone who is a slow learner.

My first Mistress began using "silly" hats in conjunction with corner time as a form of punishment very early on in my foray into the D/s lifestyle as an added humiliation and a symbol that I was being punished.  My second Mistress incorporated silly hats as a standard uniform since she thought I was better off feeling that type of humiliation all the time rather than just during punishments (I had told her about my previous experiences).  

I know there are many Dommes and subs out there that believe in corner time as punishment and I was curious if anyone employed things like these as a standard practice.

I know I've already posted this picture once before but I felt it was applicable.  My first Mistress thought this was the perfect Dunce Cap for a fur sissy. 

Poll results so far

Thanks to everyone who has been voting on the polls.  Even if you don't post any comments it at least gives me some ideas about the views of those who are reading here.

The results on the chastity and forced fem polls got me thinking a bit about just who is reading here.

The chastity poll results shocked me a bit seeing that > 70% have voted for regularly or all the time.  I didn't expect it to be quite so lopsided.

The forced fem poll wasn't all that shocking in its results so far except I didn't expect it to be quite so balanced.  I guess it shows that people have fairly unique reasons for sissification.

The results also give me the sneaking suspicion that a good number of those who have voted so far are women.  If that is the case it makes me quite happy to know that what I write has some appeal to both men and women.  It made me curious enough to add a few new polls. 

Now that my blog is several months old one thing I've noticed is the absence of the men who use the term "WLM" instead of "Femdom" to describe a Female Dominant D/s relationship that seem to visit here even though I've posted quite a few comments on blogs of this nature.

A big thank you to everyone who has voted and reads/comments here.

Soooooo burned out

We have a lot going on right now and my stress level is through the roof.  These are the kinds of times where I usually need D/s the most as it reduces my stress level by a wide margin (or at least turns it into a more fun kind of stress) but due to our work schedules things just aren't coinciding very well, sometimes limited to 20-40 minutes of time together on a given day.

If anyone has any ideas for things they would like me to write about or discuss I'm open to suggestions. 

Thinking about specific subjects really helps to free my mind from the grind.

Another Case of Humiliation in the Mind

I've written a few posts about humiliation stemming mostly in the mind.  That feeling that "everyone knows" creep into the back of the mind causing the pulse to race and blood pressure to rise, paranoia and nervousness leading to even more conspicuous behavior... it's quite a strange rush.

Something that always made me timid and terrified was when Mistress would force me to bring an item along in order to find matching items.  As you may know, there's about 23948023849230483 shades of pink.  One time I might be ordered to carry around a pair of pink panties in my pocket in order to find a matching pair of stockings.  Another time it might be a pink hat in my pocket to find a pair of matching mittens.  Or a pink sweater on under another shirt and my coat that I would have to compare to other items.  Every time I would be unable to speak and get very agitated.  I'm a gift-giver so buying women's items is never a big deal... unless they were intended to be worn by me. 

The sad thing is that my behavior would shift in this way, making me very conspicuous.  While I wanted to be left alone, barely pulling a corner of the item out of my pocket to match it up with an item on the rack, this made me look like a shoplifter and I almost always had sales girls hanging around watching me like a hawk.  Mistress would usually let me sweat it out for several minutes until she would finally come over and say something like "oh those are cute!" and that would free me up from the constant inquiries.  If I tried to shy away at that point she would say something like "why don't we ask her to come over and give her opinion on it?" to tease me and push me to deeper level of subspace. 

While nothing ever happened I found this as strong evidence that much of humiliation does lie solely in the mind (although it can definitely span well beyond the mind as well).  Mistress would tease me even more on the way home with lines like "she knew those were really for you." 

Defunct sissy Apparel - Boot Loot: modular boot accessories

Several years ago when the forced sissification aspects of my life were getting more intense, Mistress' plan was to start accumulating some boots for me that would make me look whorish.  As I'm guessing is often the case with many who have been in my shoes (literally) either by choice or by force, wide feet and muscular calves just don't mix with tall boots.  There were boots out there manufactured with TV's, CD's, etc. in mind but most of these were trying to be too sexy and they just weren't "sissy" enough for what Mistress wanted.  The task of tracking down said items was often placed in my hands.  I would be ordered to find something that I knew would meet her approval.

In around 2005 it was during one of these searches that I stumbled across "Boot Loot."  The website has been down for years but much of it still remains intact on web archive search engines.  The original product from Boot Loot was fur cuffs on a foot-less nylon stocking that were meant to be worn to add fur trim/cuffs to plain boots rather than having to buy a new pair of boots just for the trim.  The idea was very practical and creative, considering you could mix and match and accessorize different color combinations on different items.

Basically, every pair of boots for me could be made more humiliating.  We got a few pairs for Mistress as well in varying colors that would match her furs and fur accessories.  All in all, the products only remained around for two years and it was disappointing that we weren't able to get more of their products, especially to match all of Mistress' coats.  Their other products included fur-accented leg warmers and boot chains.

The original story behind Boot Loot is here:
It's amazing how far a person can get on a sore toe - all the way to a major fashion hit, in the case of Charlene Bry of Ladue.

Three years ago, Bry had an aching toe from dropping her tennis racket on it. She needed a pair of glam boots with frou-frou tops to wear to a social event, but her sore toe couldn't take the squeeze of a new pair. The only boots that felt comfortable were her plain old untrendy ones.

"There ought to be a way to attach different types of cuffs to your own comfy boots," Bry mused to herself as she limped off to a party.

Well, girlfriend, take a look at what's flying off the shelves at Famous-Barr, Bloomingdale's, Lord & Taylor and Nordstrom! Fox, rabbit and faux fur cuffs attached to pairs of footless stockings so they can be worn interchangeably, according to whim, with whatever's in a woman's shoe collection. They were manufactured in China by a factory with business ties to Bry's company, Boot Loot. The company also has a warehouse here and a patent pending.

John Bailey, a spokesman for Nordstrom, said the company sold out of the boot cuffs at stores here and in Chicago over Christmas. He called Bry's boot accessories "unique, one of a kind."

Bry herself sounds pleased but not particularly surprised at the success of her creation.

"I know women want these," she said. "It's like thee and thou - we understand each other."

Either because she once worked as a fashion model or because she has lived in Ladue for two decades, Charlene Bry has a deep understanding of the joys of dressing up and going out on the town.

She has a knack for inventing saleable notions that market to a woman's craving for glamour and the sense of self-assurance it imparts. Her first venture was the Ladue News, a party and fashion rag that she and her son, Richie Bry Jr., founded in 1984. A cozy, affectionate look at the doings of Ladue's social sets, it became a local must-read.

Bry sold the paper in 1999 and started working on a history of Ladue, a place that is a natural home to her, although she grew up in Clayton and University City as Charlene Sherman.

She earned a degree from Washington University, modeling to pay some of her expenses. She married Richie Bry, moved to Iowa with him for a time and then, as Bry's career as a sports agent took hold, the couple returned to the St. Louis area and settled in Ladue. They subsequently divorced.

But Bry had found a personal and commercial niche. The tastes and stylistic imperatives of the Ladue crowd have shaped her thinking the way the Bill of Rights underlays a constitutional lawyer's.

Her current creation got into production about six months ago when she paid local designer Jan Brodsky to develop a few prototypes.

Bry got fur bits from the Fur and Leather Centre on Lindbergh Boulevard, developed some faux fur options, and took her samples to the head buyer for the May Companies to ask her opinion.

"And - boom - I had my first customer," Bry reports.

Finding someone to link her to a Chinese factory was the next hurdle. Then she set up a distribution system and a Web site (www.boot-loot.com). She has done most of her own advertising and modeling.

Now she waits to see whether her toehold on the world of fashion will last.

"I think the demand will keep on," she said. "A woman puts on a pair and it's like a complete makeover. It's transforming. Women want that."

Somehow I doubt the intent was to provide a humiliating add-on for sissy apparel but it did a terrific job.  Mistress ended up with a pair of black ones, grey ones, dark red, dark purple, and leopard print.  I ended up with white and some pink.  Near the end of their run they ended up getting clearanced out at a few major department stores for like $3 a pair.

Dream Bondage Device - Chastity Alarm

It's been a while since I wrote about a bondage device that showed up in a dream of mine but this one came to mind when I was writing some replies to comments.

The device that showed up in a few of my dreams is a chastity alarm.  These dreams usually revolved around situations involving a Lesbian Dominant with a primary favored female submissive and a male as the secondary and inferior submissive. 

I can draw some sketches if people request that but at the same time I tend to enjoy the exercise of visualizing something based upon a textual description.  Everyone seems to come up with their own unique interpretation and that is often way more fun than spoiling it with a drawing.

The chastity alarm is an add-on to most standard chastity cages.  If you are familiar with the CB-2000/3000/6000 series or some similar metal cages, the chastity alarm is a small device that would attach to a thin snugly-fitting ring around the scrotum and a small cable would run through the chastity device's cock ring connecting it to the tip of the chastity cage.   While a chastity device of this nature can prevent a sub from obtaining an erection, they cannot prevent a sub from attempting an erection.  If a sub's penis attempts to harden or flex, the cage portion will lift.  Upon lifting of the cage the cable connecting it to the tip of the cage will tug and trigger a small spring-loaded hammer, making it hit a chime and emit a bell-like sound.  The hammer and chime are encased in a small capsule that cannot be tampered with or muted.  The alarm could not be removed without removal of both the cage and cock ring portions of the chastity device.

The resulting chime would signify that the sub was attempting to have an erection. 

While items like a KTB or the points of intrigue add-ons can prevent erection attempts, the chastity alarm is better suited for cases where a sub's erection attempts are prohibited but the ability to control arousal is placed solely in the sub's control. 

The situations where it surfaced in my dreams were where it was instructed that the sub was not to think of the Domme (or the female sub) in a sexual manner but then he was tormented with constant teasing and visual and psychological stimulation.  Each ding of the chastity alarm would be met with some form of punishment or recorded in order to be enacted at a future time. 

Please let me know if you would like any additional descriptions.

Cuckolding - A few thoughts

Cuckolding is something that has never really interested me except from an intellectual standpoint.  There are situations of knowing unfaithfulness that do "do it for me" but these generally aren't considered cuckolding and that strikes me a bit as odd.

Cuckolding rarely starts out at the forefront of a D/s relationship (unless it's already a well-developed fantasy of a submissive male).  The premise is that a woman (often married to her sub) demotes her sub from the role of a sexual partner and takes on another sexual partner in his place.  The sub is often kept in chastity and is sometimes forced to watch or take part in various aspects of the woman's intercourse with her new sexual partner.  This new role degrades and humiliates the sub and allows the woman to experience a "superior" lover in bed.  I'm not sure exactly why many men fantasize about this but that's a topic for another day.

The first thing that strikes me as odd about this scenario is that cuckolding really seems to be limited to a woman having sexual interactions with another man.  What about sexual interactions with another woman?  Is this no longer cuckolding?  It is technically equally unfaithful but it usually is kinder to the sub's male ego and often plays into a greater fantasy of his without threatening his role as her primary man.  In cases where this was instigated by the woman, cuckolding with another man can be devastating to the sub's psyche but cheating on him with another woman probably wouldn't bother him nearly as much. 

The second thing that I find odd is that cuckolding seems to only be classified as such when it's done with a man who is of equal or neutral standing to the woman.  Cuckolding with another submissive is usually just seen as "play," and in many BDSM circles this is fairly common without the emotional repercussions of it being with another dominant man or a standard vanilla man (often referred to as a bull). 

This leads to the idea that Female Supremacist Dommes really can't cuckold a male sub.   If she replaces him with a submissive or Dominant woman, it's no longer cuckolding.  If she replaces him with a male sub, it's just play and no longer cuckolding.  She can't replace him with a male of equal standing since she is a Female Supremacist and there are no males of equal or neutral standing. 

This implies that there are a few criteria that must be met for a cuckolding relationship to happen:
-She must be able to consider men as equals (or something similar).
-She should be at least primarily heterosexual.
-She should be okay with shattering her sub's male ego.

It's a fairly simple list but at the same time if an unclaimed sub is seeking a cuckolding Mistress this reduces the target demographic.

"Cutesy" things - Why and who said so?

Sometimes I don't understand why it is that certain items that women are drawn to tend to be sought because they are "cute."  The things I'm referring to are things like fringe, pom poms, tassels, and the like.  Just who chose these things as cute and why are many women drawn to them?  I can understand jewelry but I'll never understand the $2 charm bracelet full of bouncy trinkets of varying shapes, sizes, and colors.

When you picture a powerful woman in business you get some idea of a pantsuit or a skirt and suit top and the like.  When you picture formal or semi-formal evening wear you get some idea of a sleek dress, some form of exposed bust, heels, and such.  Basically, when you think of what types of clothing get classified as "sexy," "sleek," "professional," "glamorous," and "beautiful," you find "cute" items noticeably absent from the mix.

If your female boss enters the room wearing a pinstripe black pencil skirt, a white blouse, silk scarf, and a black suit top you think nothing of it.  That is her look.  If she walked in wearing a top with fringe/tassels dangling from the sleeves and pumps with pom poms on the toes you'd probably do a triple take and have a puzzled look on your face.  It just doesn't seem right.  It's harder to take her seriously that way (I suppose why we have this change in reaction could also serve as a valid question).

I think that is where the problem lies.  Cute is just rarely consistent with the stronger and more sexual feminine qualities and at times just seems a bit immature.  If that is the case, just who chose what is cute and why are women drawn to it?  Taking it as a given that it is considered cute why exactly do they fail to fit in with more aspects of life?  Why are they considered feminine?  Is it because they serve no functional purpose?  Items like purses and bras are very functional but are also very feminine. 

A pair of fluffy earmuffs are also functional but they also fall into the "cute" category.  Take away the fluffy and the cuteness dissipates. 

It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me that items that are "cute" on a 4-year old continue to be "cute" well into adulthood.  One thing that does make sense to me is that "cute" generally makes up some of the more humiliating items of forced feminization.  An item that is in nearly all ways masculine or unisex in style and color can be made wholly feminine with the simple addition of some cuteness.  A simple black-knit beanie becomes girl's/woman's hat with the simple addition of a large fur pom pom on top.  A black leather jacket becomes a girl's/woman's jacket with the addition of some fringe dangling from the sleeves or front. 

I guess I'm just curious since the most humiliating times I've been dressed have usually been full of things that would have been cute on a girly girl but are flat out goofy on a man.

Forced Feminization - Flat Chest vs. False Breasts

Following the theme of my previous post I will continue on a related topic.

I've noticed that fictional fantasies pertaining to forced feminization usually has a fairly drastic split when it comes to having a sissy with a flat chest or a sissy with huge breasts.  There's rarely a time when a scenario "splits the difference" and portrays a sissy with smaller breasts or loosely fit clothing that hides the chest region.  They're usually either flat as a board or DD-cup. 

While people probably have some fantasy they prefer it's probably linked to their deeper fantasies about sissification.  Those who wish to be women probably gravitate towards artificial breasts or implants.  Those who thrive more on humiliation are likely split between the particular scenario and situation involved.

Since I tend to thrive more under the humiliation aspect than others, I will break it down from that aspect.

False breasts via breast forms, stuffed bras, and the like (or even more permanent methods such as implants or hormone therapy) tend to yield great internal humiliation but the external humiliation is a bit situational.  The inner humiliation stems from them being there at all, since they wouldn't be otherwise.  The added girth up top gives a sissy a great deal of self-consciousness and if performed via implant or hormones, I expect they would surrender quite deeply and feel defeated.  As for external humiliation, I believe this would vary depending upon how realistically passable they are.  If fully dressed, breasts would likely decrease the level of external humiliation since it makes them more passable as a woman.  If partially dressed in an unconvincing manner, breasts would likely increase the amount of external humiliation as it makes their appearance more flagrant.  Picturing a sissy in a very tight-fitting pink t-shirt with huge breasts but with facial stubble and male pants and shoes would stand out something harsh.

On the other side of things is the flat chest.  If a sissy is almost fully passable as a woman, a flat chest will likely increase external humiliation.  While the internal humiliation might lessen a bit, there would likely be some added self-consciousness if he was hoping to pass as a woman and now would worry about people noticing his lack of breasts.  In regards to partial dressing (or non-convincing outfits) the flat chest would again probably have slightly less internal humiliation but also increase external humiliation.  Certain artists have taken this to an extreme by portraying sissies with exposed nipples nearly all the time in order to accentuate their flat chests and male stature. 

Personally, I've found a bra with no breasts to increase the level of internal humiliation and self-consciousness since at that point the bra is rather pointless and used only as a means of increasing self-consciousness.

Forced Feminization - Complete vs. Partial Transformations

This is a topic I have seen varying views from Dommes that implement forced feminization as a regular part of their lifestyle.  Should a sissy be fully transformed and borderline passable as a woman or are they better off being kept "obviously a man" in their appearance.  I know the views vary heavily on a case by case basis both by what Dommes wish to accomplish by feminizing their sub and by what subs truly desire.  I'm pretty much ignoring the sub desires side of this since if they really want to be feminized it really takes away the forced nature of the fetish and it gets into scenarios where there are subs who wish to be women, wish to be gay, etc. and those can mask the reasons they state on the outset.  So my topic of interest really is a Domme's view on complete vs. partial transformations. 

Reasons a Domme would want their sub to be completely feminized:

-It gives a "there's no going back now" feel to the situation.  Once it starts, things tend to keep moving forward.  Panties can be hidden, full-on dressing is pretty blatant.  When the transformation happens, he knows she's absolutely serious about it.

-Primping.  He must now experience much of what women have gone through for years.  Keeping their bodies shaved/waxed, putting on makeup, uncomfortable lingerie, nail care, eyebrows sculpting, and so on.

-Complete removal of masculinity.  His male ego is no more.

-Improved aesthetic pleasure.  The male figure lacks the grace and elegance of the feminine form.  Increasing femininity makes him more pleasing to the eye.

Reasons a Domme would want their sub to be partially feminized but still obviously a male:

-If she is a Female Supremacist, a complete transformation is a bit of an insult for a man to be able to pass as a woman.  If the transformation is only partial it can be used to parody years of restrictive feminine ideals towards women and turning him into a caricature of stereotypical femininity. 

-A well-done complete transformation might allow him to actually pass as a female.  If she wants him to be humiliated she is better off keeping him in the obviously a male stage as this will draw more attention and ridicule, especially if used in public.

-Increased emotional agitation.  It's easier to try to be a man or a woman than it is to be somewhere in between.  "Unisex" clothing has told us that it's okay for women to wear masculine clothing but that's a one-way street.

-He's not supposed to be pretty, so stop him short of being able to achieve that.

I'm sure if I could keep digging I could rattle off at least half a dozen more reasons but I'm not sure if that would lead to anything.  Dommes vary a lot in their feelings on this subject (with many not wanting any feminization at all) and there's no chance of nailing down a consensus.

From my own personal standpoint it trickles back to that cycle I go through of humiliation, deeper subspace, increased arousal, peace in my soul, strong association, humiliation, deeper subspace, etc. that spirals me into a love/hate relationship with forced dressing.  I can say that this cycle happens most strongly with the a partial transformation.  The more realistically feminine it gets, the more ordinary it tends to feel and that leads to less humiliation to fuel the cycle.

Any thoughts?