So I drew the meeting that will be the next set of drawings that I do.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Humiliation Boutique - Next Series
I know that I said I'd be taking a break but it's 3am and I can't sleep...
So I drew the meeting that will be the next set of drawings that I do.
So I drew the meeting that will be the next set of drawings that I do.
Slave Competition Game #5 - Gladiator Battles
This is another game idea for Lady Grey's post, Roadblocks.
This one is a bit on the comical side but may provide a good laugh.
Needs:
Carton of eggs
Bondage belt
Pair of wrist restraints
Pair of ankle restraints (or rope)
A 4-6" chain (not needed if rope is used)
Jock strap (or snug fitting underwear like tighty whities or panties)
A pair of foam bats and/or foam noodles (that are used for floating in a pool)
A 30 second timer to ensure a fast and frantic pace
Directions:
Lock each wrist restraint to opposite sides of the belt.
Lock a chain between the ankle restraints (or secure the ankles together with rope with 4-6" of give).
Place an egg inside front of the jock strap.
Version 1: Fencing
Place a foam bat in the sub's non-dominant hand.
Start the subs 6' away from each other.
Start the timer.
The first sub to break the other sub's egg wins.
If time expires with neither egg broken, both receive a loss.
If both eggs get broken simultaneously, both receive a loss.
If a sub breaks the egg just by moving, without being struck by the opponent's bat, he receives a loss and should have his ass beaten.
All subs will face off against each other once. The subs with the most wins will face off in the finals.
Version 2: Jousting
Place a foam noodle in the sub's non-dominant hand.
Start the subs 10-12' away from each other.
Start the timer.
The first sub to break the other sub's egg wins.
If time expires with neither egg broken, both receive a loss.
If both eggs get broken simultaneously, both receive a loss.
If a sub breaks the egg just by moving, without being struck by the opponent's noodle, he receives a loss and should have his ass beaten.
All subs will face off against each other once. The subs with the most wins will face off in the finals.
Variants:
-You could do both fencing and jousting to see who is the "top" gladiator.
-If any sub goes win-less they could have a special penalty punishment (such as cleaning up the eggs and/or a beating).
-If any sub goes undefeated there might be a special reward... but "representing" for his Mistress and going undefeated is a reward in its own right.
-A well-placed clothes pin or two might make them move even faster.
You could probably go without the restraints but I have a feeling that the shuffling around with their ankles bound and being unable to swing the "weapons" with their arms will force them to get closer and flail wildly. The timer is somewhat unnecessary but will prevent anyone from "turtle-ing" and going in backwards, since if no one wins, they both lose.
It's not quite as devious as the ball parachute game but who doesn't like seeing people bash each other in the nuts with nerf bats, especially if it squirts egg all over their junk?
This one is a bit on the comical side but may provide a good laugh.
Needs:
Carton of eggs
Bondage belt
Pair of wrist restraints
Pair of ankle restraints (or rope)
A 4-6" chain (not needed if rope is used)
Jock strap (or snug fitting underwear like tighty whities or panties)
A pair of foam bats and/or foam noodles (that are used for floating in a pool)
A 30 second timer to ensure a fast and frantic pace
Directions:
Lock each wrist restraint to opposite sides of the belt.
Lock a chain between the ankle restraints (or secure the ankles together with rope with 4-6" of give).
Place an egg inside front of the jock strap.
Version 1: Fencing
Place a foam bat in the sub's non-dominant hand.
Start the subs 6' away from each other.
Start the timer.
The first sub to break the other sub's egg wins.
If time expires with neither egg broken, both receive a loss.
If both eggs get broken simultaneously, both receive a loss.
If a sub breaks the egg just by moving, without being struck by the opponent's bat, he receives a loss and should have his ass beaten.
All subs will face off against each other once. The subs with the most wins will face off in the finals.
Version 2: Jousting
Place a foam noodle in the sub's non-dominant hand.
Start the subs 10-12' away from each other.
Start the timer.
The first sub to break the other sub's egg wins.
If time expires with neither egg broken, both receive a loss.
If both eggs get broken simultaneously, both receive a loss.
If a sub breaks the egg just by moving, without being struck by the opponent's noodle, he receives a loss and should have his ass beaten.
All subs will face off against each other once. The subs with the most wins will face off in the finals.
Variants:
-You could do both fencing and jousting to see who is the "top" gladiator.
-If any sub goes win-less they could have a special penalty punishment (such as cleaning up the eggs and/or a beating).
-If any sub goes undefeated there might be a special reward... but "representing" for his Mistress and going undefeated is a reward in its own right.
-A well-placed clothes pin or two might make them move even faster.
You could probably go without the restraints but I have a feeling that the shuffling around with their ankles bound and being unable to swing the "weapons" with their arms will force them to get closer and flail wildly. The timer is somewhat unnecessary but will prevent anyone from "turtle-ing" and going in backwards, since if no one wins, they both lose.
It's not quite as devious as the ball parachute game but who doesn't like seeing people bash each other in the nuts with nerf bats, especially if it squirts egg all over their junk?
State of Being, State of Self
I'm not sure exactly where this is going to go but I've been thinking a lot tonight...
If you didn't know I was "into the lifestyle" and met me on vanilla terms, there's a good chance that you would think that I am defined by my hobbies and interests. I have roughly 6-8 hobbies and past-times that I tend to cycle through every 6 months or so. I almost always return to the hobbies and for that period of time it often dominates my focus and it seems to be what I want to talk about, want to do, and so on.
There have been times throughout my life where I wasn't seen as "relationship material" because of this. The woman couldn't see how I could focus on them when I have such serious hobbies. They thought I would be like the types who vanish to the garage or basement and don't surface for anything besides meals, the bathroom, and sleeping. Where I have commonly been misunderstood is that my hobbies were a substitute for the meaning that wasn't there. It was an interesting way to pass the time when I didn't have someone to give my love and my all to.
Throughout the course of my life I have had pretty bad luck with relationships. If I went on a date, we would become friends and not a relationship. If a relationship started to bud with a shy girl, she would reject me for being too open about my feelings. If a relationship started to bud with a girl and I would hold back, she would reject me for not being affectionate enough. I was lucky enough to really connect with a couple of women and had circumstances tear us apart. Those meetings were rather rare and far between.
During the long down times I found that if I tried my hardest to find a relationship, it would never happen. If I would sit back and wait for "opportunity" to strike, it would never happen. Dumb luck has always been the deciding factor for me in terms of success and failure. I still see myself as awkward and I don't really have a lot of confidence in terms of finding relationships. I know deep down I have the capacity to make a woman happy, be it D/s or vanilla, but at the same time, I don't know if I will be given the opportunity to "shine."
I think this is partly (if not mostly) why I fight so desperately to keep relationships together. Things changed a little bit when I entered the lifestyle. It was talking about thoughts on love and relationships that got me into the lifestyle. During a conversation with a woman-friend about what I thought a perfect guy would be like in a relationship and how I wanted to "be that guy," she looked at me and flat out said, "you're a submissive." She became my first Mistress.
For the first time in my life, life made sense. My brain is of the nature that creates a lot of "white noise" in my daily life. Lots of nagging issues, worries, and stress. I can only think of four things that have ever granted me freedom from that noise: playing on stage with a rock band, getting drunk out of my mind, getting high out of my mind, and submission. I haven't played in a band in years and I gave up drugs and alcohol many years ago... so that leaves me with only one option... and luckily, that option is the sustainable one.
For some reason I seem to have done pretty well with this. I'm not quite sure how or why I seem to finally succeed somewhere. Is it because I had the mentality before I developed the kink? My first Mistress described it that "my head was screwed on right." My ex-Mistress said that it was my willingness to suffer for her. In my vanilla days I was simply willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I loved. Hobbies? Meaningless. I'd drop them all in a heartbeat. Distraction is bad.
How have I changed since then? Not much except it has probably changed to I am willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to. And not only am I willing to give up my hobbies, but I have no problem giving up orgasms, freedom, physical and emotional comfort, dignity, pride, and male ego. I don't mind (and even cherish) having my thoughts trapped in a box focused solely upon her needs and linking my own happiness and feelings of self-worth to whether or not I have met her expectations of me. Now that I think about it, those things were all characteristics I deemed expendable even before I entered the lifestyle.
What is a bit strange is that I'm not sure what the best way is for me to be utilized. I've never been asked to give up music because the Dommes I have served have enjoyed me playing music for them. I've never been asked to give up writing because they have usually enjoyed what I write. I've never been asked to give up my interest in films because they have all enjoyed the movies I have shared with them. I've never been asked to stop thinking about things because my ability to analyze and evaluate things have been appreciated. Is it bad to be willing to give up these things if they are some of my strengths? All I can really do is trust that she will decide wisely for me... and continue to be willing to sacrifice any of it if she wants that.
The bigger question is would I be able to give up my fetishes? Even thinking about it creates a submissive loop that feeds itself. For example, take fur:
A woman that removes fur from my life because she chooses to deny it and doesn't care about my arousal -> The thought of being denied turns me on and makes me submissive -> and so on.
Am I better off ridding myself of these (which I doubt is possible) and being open to a life without them? Or are my fetishes better off being manipulated to keep me in a deeper and desperate state of subspace? By even implying it is better off am I merely trying to manipulate things with my subconscious or is it the truth? I guess it is up to her to decide, but I don't know what to think on that one? I guess it's just up to her preference and whether or not she cares about how those might contribute to my happiness or fulfillment.
And... my thoughts have deteriorated into the white noise that is my racing mind without D/s.
All I know for sure is that I would sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to.
The absence of D/s really makes me feel lonely and sad... which is why I turn to hobbies to pass the time.
If you didn't know I was "into the lifestyle" and met me on vanilla terms, there's a good chance that you would think that I am defined by my hobbies and interests. I have roughly 6-8 hobbies and past-times that I tend to cycle through every 6 months or so. I almost always return to the hobbies and for that period of time it often dominates my focus and it seems to be what I want to talk about, want to do, and so on.
There have been times throughout my life where I wasn't seen as "relationship material" because of this. The woman couldn't see how I could focus on them when I have such serious hobbies. They thought I would be like the types who vanish to the garage or basement and don't surface for anything besides meals, the bathroom, and sleeping. Where I have commonly been misunderstood is that my hobbies were a substitute for the meaning that wasn't there. It was an interesting way to pass the time when I didn't have someone to give my love and my all to.
Throughout the course of my life I have had pretty bad luck with relationships. If I went on a date, we would become friends and not a relationship. If a relationship started to bud with a shy girl, she would reject me for being too open about my feelings. If a relationship started to bud with a girl and I would hold back, she would reject me for not being affectionate enough. I was lucky enough to really connect with a couple of women and had circumstances tear us apart. Those meetings were rather rare and far between.
During the long down times I found that if I tried my hardest to find a relationship, it would never happen. If I would sit back and wait for "opportunity" to strike, it would never happen. Dumb luck has always been the deciding factor for me in terms of success and failure. I still see myself as awkward and I don't really have a lot of confidence in terms of finding relationships. I know deep down I have the capacity to make a woman happy, be it D/s or vanilla, but at the same time, I don't know if I will be given the opportunity to "shine."
I think this is partly (if not mostly) why I fight so desperately to keep relationships together. Things changed a little bit when I entered the lifestyle. It was talking about thoughts on love and relationships that got me into the lifestyle. During a conversation with a woman-friend about what I thought a perfect guy would be like in a relationship and how I wanted to "be that guy," she looked at me and flat out said, "you're a submissive." She became my first Mistress.
For the first time in my life, life made sense. My brain is of the nature that creates a lot of "white noise" in my daily life. Lots of nagging issues, worries, and stress. I can only think of four things that have ever granted me freedom from that noise: playing on stage with a rock band, getting drunk out of my mind, getting high out of my mind, and submission. I haven't played in a band in years and I gave up drugs and alcohol many years ago... so that leaves me with only one option... and luckily, that option is the sustainable one.
For some reason I seem to have done pretty well with this. I'm not quite sure how or why I seem to finally succeed somewhere. Is it because I had the mentality before I developed the kink? My first Mistress described it that "my head was screwed on right." My ex-Mistress said that it was my willingness to suffer for her. In my vanilla days I was simply willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I loved. Hobbies? Meaningless. I'd drop them all in a heartbeat. Distraction is bad.
How have I changed since then? Not much except it has probably changed to I am willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to. And not only am I willing to give up my hobbies, but I have no problem giving up orgasms, freedom, physical and emotional comfort, dignity, pride, and male ego. I don't mind (and even cherish) having my thoughts trapped in a box focused solely upon her needs and linking my own happiness and feelings of self-worth to whether or not I have met her expectations of me. Now that I think about it, those things were all characteristics I deemed expendable even before I entered the lifestyle.
What is a bit strange is that I'm not sure what the best way is for me to be utilized. I've never been asked to give up music because the Dommes I have served have enjoyed me playing music for them. I've never been asked to give up writing because they have usually enjoyed what I write. I've never been asked to give up my interest in films because they have all enjoyed the movies I have shared with them. I've never been asked to stop thinking about things because my ability to analyze and evaluate things have been appreciated. Is it bad to be willing to give up these things if they are some of my strengths? All I can really do is trust that she will decide wisely for me... and continue to be willing to sacrifice any of it if she wants that.
The bigger question is would I be able to give up my fetishes? Even thinking about it creates a submissive loop that feeds itself. For example, take fur:
A woman that removes fur from my life because she chooses to deny it and doesn't care about my arousal -> The thought of being denied turns me on and makes me submissive -> and so on.
Am I better off ridding myself of these (which I doubt is possible) and being open to a life without them? Or are my fetishes better off being manipulated to keep me in a deeper and desperate state of subspace? By even implying it is better off am I merely trying to manipulate things with my subconscious or is it the truth? I guess it is up to her to decide, but I don't know what to think on that one? I guess it's just up to her preference and whether or not she cares about how those might contribute to my happiness or fulfillment.
And... my thoughts have deteriorated into the white noise that is my racing mind without D/s.
All I know for sure is that I would sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to.
The absence of D/s really makes me feel lonely and sad... which is why I turn to hobbies to pass the time.
A Random Observation
I forgot that Mistress is working an overnight tonight so again I'm at home and up late by myself.
I just realized that part of the disintegration of our D/s interactions and the loss of connection in our relationship in general seems to almost directly coincide with her changing jobs and going from working Monday-Friday 9-5 shifts to overnight shifts 4 days a week with and working every other weekend.
I work Monday through Friday first shift and it used to be we would both get home, be kind of tired, want to relax a bit, and share some time. Now it seems that when I get home kind of tired, she is wide awake and fresh as can be. On days when she is tired, that tends to coincide with when I am wide awake.
I'm not really sure but I get the feeling that this schedule change that happened a few years ago has probably strained our relationship more than either of us would like to admit. When she first started on third shift I recommended she become full-time nocturnal and sleep either from like 9am-4pm or like 1pm until 8pm. She never heeded this advice and there are many days where she burns the candle at both ends.
This is something I will have to think about more and possibly develop a way of talking about it that won't lead to a fight.
I just realized that part of the disintegration of our D/s interactions and the loss of connection in our relationship in general seems to almost directly coincide with her changing jobs and going from working Monday-Friday 9-5 shifts to overnight shifts 4 days a week with and working every other weekend.
I work Monday through Friday first shift and it used to be we would both get home, be kind of tired, want to relax a bit, and share some time. Now it seems that when I get home kind of tired, she is wide awake and fresh as can be. On days when she is tired, that tends to coincide with when I am wide awake.
I'm not really sure but I get the feeling that this schedule change that happened a few years ago has probably strained our relationship more than either of us would like to admit. When she first started on third shift I recommended she become full-time nocturnal and sleep either from like 9am-4pm or like 1pm until 8pm. She never heeded this advice and there are many days where she burns the candle at both ends.
This is something I will have to think about more and possibly develop a way of talking about it that won't lead to a fight.
Humiliation Boutique - Santa's Lap (caption drawing)
This is the last one from the Santa series. I may take a bit of a break from drawing before starting the next one.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
What makes a punishment a punishment?
Just what makes something a punishment?
In the BDSM world of fetish, submission, and masochism, what really separates an activity from being kinky vs. a punishment?
While I'm sure to the vanilla world there are many things that would seem like a punishment, such as corporal punishment, humiliation, orgasm denial, or chores. When these become the norm, what is the deciding factor?
I have thought about this question a lot over the years... how to answer that ever-asked question of "if I beat him, he likes it, so how is that a punishment?"
The common characteristic that make punishments what they are I believe is the introduction of meaningless hardship. Hardship that doesn't have to be there but is added in order to create suffering and serves no beneficial purpose beyond that.
If the sub already does the chores, restricting his hand movement by attaching his wrists to his balls increases difficulty, discomfort, and creates a sense of despair as he knows his performance will be poor, leading to increased punishment.
If the sub is already well-disciplined and well-controlled at keeping his hands off of his penis and controlling his erections, adding a chastity device or KTB drives home the point.
Forcing the sub to sleep in a cage instead of a bed is another means to inflict suffering.
Corporal punishment can be performed on such a level where the aftermath will haunt them for days (this usually goes well-beyond enjoyable kink).
Some of the longest-standing examples throughout history that mirror a similar sentiment are the punishments from legend/mythology in ancient Greece.
Sisyphus was able to cheat death twice. His punishment was to roll a giant boulder up a hill. When the boulder reached the top, it would roll back down and he would begin again... for all eternity.
Tantalus did a lot of pretty fucked up shit. His punishment was to stand in a pool of water up to his neck below a fruit tree. If he reached for the fruit, the branches moved away. If he leaned forward to drink, the water would lower out of reach.
Prometheus took fire from the gods and gave it to man. This gave man knowledge and made them too similar to the gods. His punishment was to be chained to a rock and every day a giant eagle would come and rip out his liver and every night it would grow back again.
The common themes: incredible suffering with a pointless state of existence.
In the BDSM world of fetish, submission, and masochism, what really separates an activity from being kinky vs. a punishment?
While I'm sure to the vanilla world there are many things that would seem like a punishment, such as corporal punishment, humiliation, orgasm denial, or chores. When these become the norm, what is the deciding factor?
I have thought about this question a lot over the years... how to answer that ever-asked question of "if I beat him, he likes it, so how is that a punishment?"
The common characteristic that make punishments what they are I believe is the introduction of meaningless hardship. Hardship that doesn't have to be there but is added in order to create suffering and serves no beneficial purpose beyond that.
If the sub already does the chores, restricting his hand movement by attaching his wrists to his balls increases difficulty, discomfort, and creates a sense of despair as he knows his performance will be poor, leading to increased punishment.
If the sub is already well-disciplined and well-controlled at keeping his hands off of his penis and controlling his erections, adding a chastity device or KTB drives home the point.
Forcing the sub to sleep in a cage instead of a bed is another means to inflict suffering.
Corporal punishment can be performed on such a level where the aftermath will haunt them for days (this usually goes well-beyond enjoyable kink).
Some of the longest-standing examples throughout history that mirror a similar sentiment are the punishments from legend/mythology in ancient Greece.
Sisyphus was able to cheat death twice. His punishment was to roll a giant boulder up a hill. When the boulder reached the top, it would roll back down and he would begin again... for all eternity.
Tantalus did a lot of pretty fucked up shit. His punishment was to stand in a pool of water up to his neck below a fruit tree. If he reached for the fruit, the branches moved away. If he leaned forward to drink, the water would lower out of reach.
Prometheus took fire from the gods and gave it to man. This gave man knowledge and made them too similar to the gods. His punishment was to be chained to a rock and every day a giant eagle would come and rip out his liver and every night it would grow back again.
The common themes: incredible suffering with a pointless state of existence.
Where we're at now
There's been some new readers lately and I haven't really talked about my D/s life in a while so I figured I would give a brief recap to where things are now. I also realize I haven't talked much about my personal life at all so there may be some new tidbits even if you've been reading since the beginning.
Currently, the 5+ year relationship between Mistress and I is pretty much a vanilla relationship with kink in the bedroom (or shower), and the bedroom just doesn't happen much anymore. About two years ago she developed some severe joint pain that prevented us from having sex anymore. A couple of months ago she finally had major surgery to correct that problem, from which she is still recovering.
Our relationship has been a rocky but rewarding one. The first couple of years were great. We played frequently. I took care of most of the chores and cooking and we would regularly go out looking for things to spice up our D/s life. Sexual interactions were frequent. Her son, at the time, was able to fall asleep early and sleep through the night and was well-behaved at school.
At about the two-and-a-half year mark her BPD really began to manifest itself and the relationship turned abusive. It's one thing when your Mistress is in control emotionally and gets angry. It's another when you experience a rage bomb exploding in your face and have no idea why. There's no punishment or scolding, but instead hatred and attempts to hurt you deeply, both physically and emotionally. This can be for a reason, or for seemingly no reason at all. When it flares up... words that are said imply a million other negative words, and if you remain silent, the silence implies another million negative words.
Due to some experiences while I was growing up, I have developed a great deal of emphasis on what I say and I try to never say something that cannot be taken back unless I absolutely mean it and am willing to bear the consequences of that. This situation has grown particularly difficult over the years since what I say is often interpreted as something else and I am treated as if I said the "something else." Even if we are able to talk through it, she still behaves as if I said those things. This does go beyond just words as well.
Months before her surgery she picked a fight with me and attacked me saying that she knew I wasn't going to care for her after her surgery. She proceeded to treat me for weeks as if the surgery had already happened, she had recovered, and I hadn't taken care of her... which is a bit fucked up if you think about it. In the aftermath, when I did care for her following the surgery, she still believes it was okay to treat me badly before the surgery under the anticipation of me failing.
From an outside view it's probably pretty easy to say that I should have walked away soon after this type of behavior started and failed to stop. I have continued to love and believe that we can work through and overcome this but in the process I know I have sacrificed a great deal of self-esteem, self-confidence, and weathered through a great deal of stress and abuse.
I don't really know, I guess. I do know I am approaching my limit of what I can reasonably handle.
Mistress is the fifth Domme I have served, third if you only count the relationships that lasted for more than 6 months. We met on collarme with friendship as the goal as we had planned to meet casually for coffee and talk about the lifestyle. I was on the tail-end of my previous D/s relationship that was all but dead: she was in the process of moving hundreds of miles away, I wasn't invited to move with her, we hadn't seen each other in two months, spoken in 3+ weeks, and she said she by email a couple of weeks earlier that she would be releasing me very soon.
We started out talking about the lifestyle; some experiences, some ideas. She asked a lot of questions and I gave a lot of answers. Coffee turned into dinner, dinner into desert. She asked if she could come over to my place and I said yes. I'm usually the type of person that carefully mulls over every option and wants to be certain about decisions before I make them. That hadn't really worked for me most of my life so I threw caution to the wind and went with things. I did feel guilty that I hadn't been officially released yet (that call came four days later), but this now was the real human contact I hadn't had in months.
Mistress was fairly new to the lifestyle at this point with about 4 months of experience under her belt. She accepted me for who I was and all the quirks that go along with my submissiveness and fetishes. When we arrived at my apartment we talked, I massaged her, and then we played and things went from there. We had a great first two and a half years. Things have been shaky since then and that has led us to the state we are in now.
I'm hoping things make a turn for the better once she fully recovers from the surgery. I hope she's able to make some headway in controlling her BPD (she had a major outburst of it yesterday and a minor one this evening) but I'm not sure how well that will go unless she really wants it to get better. Currently we are both each others' longest lasting relationship.
In the meantime, my blog, my drawings, my twisted fantasies... these are my outlet for what doesn't happen in reality. Those and the support of my readers are why I keep going here.
Currently, the 5+ year relationship between Mistress and I is pretty much a vanilla relationship with kink in the bedroom (or shower), and the bedroom just doesn't happen much anymore. About two years ago she developed some severe joint pain that prevented us from having sex anymore. A couple of months ago she finally had major surgery to correct that problem, from which she is still recovering.
Our relationship has been a rocky but rewarding one. The first couple of years were great. We played frequently. I took care of most of the chores and cooking and we would regularly go out looking for things to spice up our D/s life. Sexual interactions were frequent. Her son, at the time, was able to fall asleep early and sleep through the night and was well-behaved at school.
At about the two-and-a-half year mark her BPD really began to manifest itself and the relationship turned abusive. It's one thing when your Mistress is in control emotionally and gets angry. It's another when you experience a rage bomb exploding in your face and have no idea why. There's no punishment or scolding, but instead hatred and attempts to hurt you deeply, both physically and emotionally. This can be for a reason, or for seemingly no reason at all. When it flares up... words that are said imply a million other negative words, and if you remain silent, the silence implies another million negative words.
Due to some experiences while I was growing up, I have developed a great deal of emphasis on what I say and I try to never say something that cannot be taken back unless I absolutely mean it and am willing to bear the consequences of that. This situation has grown particularly difficult over the years since what I say is often interpreted as something else and I am treated as if I said the "something else." Even if we are able to talk through it, she still behaves as if I said those things. This does go beyond just words as well.
Months before her surgery she picked a fight with me and attacked me saying that she knew I wasn't going to care for her after her surgery. She proceeded to treat me for weeks as if the surgery had already happened, she had recovered, and I hadn't taken care of her... which is a bit fucked up if you think about it. In the aftermath, when I did care for her following the surgery, she still believes it was okay to treat me badly before the surgery under the anticipation of me failing.
From an outside view it's probably pretty easy to say that I should have walked away soon after this type of behavior started and failed to stop. I have continued to love and believe that we can work through and overcome this but in the process I know I have sacrificed a great deal of self-esteem, self-confidence, and weathered through a great deal of stress and abuse.
I don't really know, I guess. I do know I am approaching my limit of what I can reasonably handle.
Mistress is the fifth Domme I have served, third if you only count the relationships that lasted for more than 6 months. We met on collarme with friendship as the goal as we had planned to meet casually for coffee and talk about the lifestyle. I was on the tail-end of my previous D/s relationship that was all but dead: she was in the process of moving hundreds of miles away, I wasn't invited to move with her, we hadn't seen each other in two months, spoken in 3+ weeks, and she said she by email a couple of weeks earlier that she would be releasing me very soon.
We started out talking about the lifestyle; some experiences, some ideas. She asked a lot of questions and I gave a lot of answers. Coffee turned into dinner, dinner into desert. She asked if she could come over to my place and I said yes. I'm usually the type of person that carefully mulls over every option and wants to be certain about decisions before I make them. That hadn't really worked for me most of my life so I threw caution to the wind and went with things. I did feel guilty that I hadn't been officially released yet (that call came four days later), but this now was the real human contact I hadn't had in months.
Mistress was fairly new to the lifestyle at this point with about 4 months of experience under her belt. She accepted me for who I was and all the quirks that go along with my submissiveness and fetishes. When we arrived at my apartment we talked, I massaged her, and then we played and things went from there. We had a great first two and a half years. Things have been shaky since then and that has led us to the state we are in now.
I'm hoping things make a turn for the better once she fully recovers from the surgery. I hope she's able to make some headway in controlling her BPD (she had a major outburst of it yesterday and a minor one this evening) but I'm not sure how well that will go unless she really wants it to get better. Currently we are both each others' longest lasting relationship.
In the meantime, my blog, my drawings, my twisted fantasies... these are my outlet for what doesn't happen in reality. Those and the support of my readers are why I keep going here.
Sissiest Item of the Year (involving fur)
Each year something usually stands out as being the item that I would deem as the most humiliating thing available that includes fur in some way.
I hadn't been browsing department stores much lately but when I stumbled upon this it easily won out:
I hadn't been browsing department stores much lately but when I stumbled upon this it easily won out:
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Slave Competition Game Idea #4 - Human Croquet
Another game idea.
Needs:
A ball for each Domme (anything tennis ball sized or larger should work)
Rope/restraints
A large room that is fairly open
Assign each sub a starting number (they will cycle positions so this is just the beginning).
Tie their hands behind their back and attach their wrist to their balls so that they're a little contorted (the idea is to have their legs slightly bent and spread).
Take turns rolling the ball toward the subs' end of the room. The subs must quickly form a line and spread their legs so that the ball rolls through their legs like a croquet wicket. On the first roll #1 should be at the front, #2 second, and so on. On the second roll, #1 will go to the back, #2 will move to the front, and so on.
After all three Dommes have rolled the subs will retrieve the balls and the cycle will begin again.
If a sub fails to get into position quickly enough to form a wicket, they are eliminated. If a sub hits the ball with his foot/leg, they are eliminated. Last sub standing wins.
Needs:
A ball for each Domme (anything tennis ball sized or larger should work)
Rope/restraints
A large room that is fairly open
Assign each sub a starting number (they will cycle positions so this is just the beginning).
Tie their hands behind their back and attach their wrist to their balls so that they're a little contorted (the idea is to have their legs slightly bent and spread).
Take turns rolling the ball toward the subs' end of the room. The subs must quickly form a line and spread their legs so that the ball rolls through their legs like a croquet wicket. On the first roll #1 should be at the front, #2 second, and so on. On the second roll, #1 will go to the back, #2 will move to the front, and so on.
After all three Dommes have rolled the subs will retrieve the balls and the cycle will begin again.
If a sub fails to get into position quickly enough to form a wicket, they are eliminated. If a sub hits the ball with his foot/leg, they are eliminated. Last sub standing wins.
Slave Competition Game Idea #3 - Fill the cup
I think something along these lines has already been mentioned briefly in comments on the Roadblock post... but here goes.
Needs:
A bucket of water.
A cup/glass with a "fill line" marked on it. A graduated measuring cup might work the best.
A spoon of some sorts (teaspoon, table spoon, etc., the larger the spoon the faster this will be done).
Wrist restraints/handcuffs.
This could be done simultaneously or one sub at a time. The only difference would be if done simultaneously you can determine the winner by whoever finishes first and one at a time will require a time-keeping device.
Place the bucket of water and empty cup on the floor, 6' apart.
Restrain the sub's hands behind his back and put the spoon in his hand.
The sub must take water from the bucket using the spoon and transfer it one spoon full at a time in order to fill the cup to its fill line.
First one to fill the cup and deliver it to his Mistress wins.
Alternate options:
-For added difficulty the handle of the spoon could be placed in the sub's mouth (instead of using his hands) but I have a feeling this would make this take much longer, although this might be the preferred method if you wanted to see the subs inching around the floor on their stomachs instead of moving around on their knees.
-Spilled water could be punished but I have a feeling trying to traverse through the spilled water is sort of a punishment in itself since it will make their skin stick to the floor.
Needs:
A bucket of water.
A cup/glass with a "fill line" marked on it. A graduated measuring cup might work the best.
A spoon of some sorts (teaspoon, table spoon, etc., the larger the spoon the faster this will be done).
Wrist restraints/handcuffs.
This could be done simultaneously or one sub at a time. The only difference would be if done simultaneously you can determine the winner by whoever finishes first and one at a time will require a time-keeping device.
Place the bucket of water and empty cup on the floor, 6' apart.
Restrain the sub's hands behind his back and put the spoon in his hand.
The sub must take water from the bucket using the spoon and transfer it one spoon full at a time in order to fill the cup to its fill line.
First one to fill the cup and deliver it to his Mistress wins.
Alternate options:
-For added difficulty the handle of the spoon could be placed in the sub's mouth (instead of using his hands) but I have a feeling this would make this take much longer, although this might be the preferred method if you wanted to see the subs inching around the floor on their stomachs instead of moving around on their knees.
-Spilled water could be punished but I have a feeling trying to traverse through the spilled water is sort of a punishment in itself since it will make their skin stick to the floor.
Slave Competition Game idea #2 - 52 pick up
This is another idea for Lady Grey's post Roadblocks.
I will admit this isn't the most exciting idea as there's no pain, just frustration, fear, and mental anguish.
It's fairly easy though and doesn't require a lot and might serve as a "throw in" game if there's extra time.
Needed:
-A deck of cards (fresh/new and plastic coated preferred)
-A timer/stop watch
-A hard floor (preferably somewhat slick)
-Some sort of mitten, ideally some bondage fist mitts such as these:
Instead of fist mitts, some layered gloves and mittens would work. E.g. a pair of those stretchy winter gloves under a pair of chunky double-knit wool mittens will probably be enough to dampen dexterity and coordination.
Game:
Each Domme will write in order from 1 to 4 what suit she would compare herself to from strongest to weakest (e.g. if she is warm and affectionate, hearts will probably be her #1, if she likes to beat the shit out of her sub, clubs might be her #1, if she loves jewelry diamonds might be #1, gardening, spades, etc.).
Shuffle the cards so that they're good and mixed (it doesn't matter if they're all facing the same way).
Spray the cards all over the floor (the less overlap, the more difficult it will be to do this).
Have the sub retrieve the cards and place them neatly in order by card value(the Queens should go on top) and suit, with their guess for her #1 suit on the top of the deck. When they are done they will present the completed deck to his Mistress.
If they guess her #1 incorrectly, add 1 minute to their time for each number they missed by (e.g. if their #1 guess was her #3, add two minutes).
If any of the cards are turned in with values out of order or facing the wrong direction, DQ them failing to accomplish the task.
The sub that completed the task with the lowest time (after penalties are applied) wins.
*Note: This will actually be very difficult so a maximum time limit may want to be enacted.
I will admit this isn't the most exciting idea as there's no pain, just frustration, fear, and mental anguish.
It's fairly easy though and doesn't require a lot and might serve as a "throw in" game if there's extra time.
Needed:
-A deck of cards (fresh/new and plastic coated preferred)
-A timer/stop watch
-A hard floor (preferably somewhat slick)
-Some sort of mitten, ideally some bondage fist mitts such as these:
Instead of fist mitts, some layered gloves and mittens would work. E.g. a pair of those stretchy winter gloves under a pair of chunky double-knit wool mittens will probably be enough to dampen dexterity and coordination.
Game:
Each Domme will write in order from 1 to 4 what suit she would compare herself to from strongest to weakest (e.g. if she is warm and affectionate, hearts will probably be her #1, if she likes to beat the shit out of her sub, clubs might be her #1, if she loves jewelry diamonds might be #1, gardening, spades, etc.).
Shuffle the cards so that they're good and mixed (it doesn't matter if they're all facing the same way).
Spray the cards all over the floor (the less overlap, the more difficult it will be to do this).
Have the sub retrieve the cards and place them neatly in order by card value(the Queens should go on top) and suit, with their guess for her #1 suit on the top of the deck. When they are done they will present the completed deck to his Mistress.
If they guess her #1 incorrectly, add 1 minute to their time for each number they missed by (e.g. if their #1 guess was her #3, add two minutes).
If any of the cards are turned in with values out of order or facing the wrong direction, DQ them failing to accomplish the task.
The sub that completed the task with the lowest time (after penalties are applied) wins.
*Note: This will actually be very difficult so a maximum time limit may want to be enacted.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Slave Competition Game
In Lady Grey's post, Roadblocks, she is going to be having a slave competition between her sub and some others.
In attempting to come up with some ideas under the parameters (it should be winnable and not cause any significant harm to a sub) here is one idea that I came up with.
Obstacle Course Race:
-Subs should have their hands locked behind their back.
-Subs should have an 18 or 24" spreader bar locked between their ankles.
-A modified ball parachute with a round tray mounted underneath it.
-A round object such as a ball or a hard boiled egg placed on the tray. The less perfectly round the object is, the easier it will be to keep it balanced.
Optional:
-Difficulty could be increased by adding a butt plug.
Subs must maneuver a simple obstacle course while being timed without dropping the ball off the tray.
If the ball falls off the tray they must retrieve the ball and bring it back to the starting line where a Domme will deliver a hard swat to each butt cheek and return the ball to the tray while the timer continues to run. If the ball rolls somewhere that the sub cannot retrieve it they will be disqualified and punished (the idea of a Domme having to retrieve the ball for them just seems wrong).
The sub with the lowest time to complete the course wins.
Here are some shitty sketches I made in 3 minutes before I have to leave for work:
In attempting to come up with some ideas under the parameters (it should be winnable and not cause any significant harm to a sub) here is one idea that I came up with.
Obstacle Course Race:
-Subs should have their hands locked behind their back.
-Subs should have an 18 or 24" spreader bar locked between their ankles.
-A modified ball parachute with a round tray mounted underneath it.
-A round object such as a ball or a hard boiled egg placed on the tray. The less perfectly round the object is, the easier it will be to keep it balanced.
Optional:
-Difficulty could be increased by adding a butt plug.
Subs must maneuver a simple obstacle course while being timed without dropping the ball off the tray.
If the ball falls off the tray they must retrieve the ball and bring it back to the starting line where a Domme will deliver a hard swat to each butt cheek and return the ball to the tray while the timer continues to run. If the ball rolls somewhere that the sub cannot retrieve it they will be disqualified and punished (the idea of a Domme having to retrieve the ball for them just seems wrong).
The sub with the lowest time to complete the course wins.
Here are some shitty sketches I made in 3 minutes before I have to leave for work:
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Ugh...
Part of why I've been blogging and drawing so much is that I struggle from depression.
When it starts "tingling" I go out of my way to fight it off, usually in the form of setting goals or tasks for myself to complete and then going at them full-on. I can feel my resolve starting to falter a bit.
Part of it is due to the weather... I live in an area where it's going to be cold as hell and covered in snow for the next 3+ months so even things like going to the store that's 3 miles away can seem like a chore. This in turn leads to some shut-in status and weight gain which doesn't do much for self-esteem.
While those are factors, the primary thing is that the holidays have a lot of terrible memories for me. The kind of deep-rooted shit that has carved some big emotional scars that have kept me struggling my whole life. Last year I vanished from the internet for a few months working to get myself back on track and I'm hoping to avoid that this year.
So... if you read this blog (and hopefully enjoy it)... your comments and requests help give me a goal to work towards and keep my head above water. If there's anything you like, don't like, want to see more of, want me to talk about, want me to draw, etc. please let me know. Comments, email, even just saying "hey" on my chat box... those all keep me going.
Sorry if this makes me seem like a whiny-ass bitch, I can just spot the signs of my depression kicking in early on while I still have the power to beat it.
When it starts "tingling" I go out of my way to fight it off, usually in the form of setting goals or tasks for myself to complete and then going at them full-on. I can feel my resolve starting to falter a bit.
Part of it is due to the weather... I live in an area where it's going to be cold as hell and covered in snow for the next 3+ months so even things like going to the store that's 3 miles away can seem like a chore. This in turn leads to some shut-in status and weight gain which doesn't do much for self-esteem.
While those are factors, the primary thing is that the holidays have a lot of terrible memories for me. The kind of deep-rooted shit that has carved some big emotional scars that have kept me struggling my whole life. Last year I vanished from the internet for a few months working to get myself back on track and I'm hoping to avoid that this year.
So... if you read this blog (and hopefully enjoy it)... your comments and requests help give me a goal to work towards and keep my head above water. If there's anything you like, don't like, want to see more of, want me to talk about, want me to draw, etc. please let me know. Comments, email, even just saying "hey" on my chat box... those all keep me going.
Sorry if this makes me seem like a whiny-ass bitch, I can just spot the signs of my depression kicking in early on while I still have the power to beat it.
Humiliation Boutique - December's sales Meeting
This sets the premise for my next set of Humiliation Boutique drawings.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Humiliation Boutique - Job Interview
This one isn't one of my finer works... but it sort of continues along with the previous one.
Seated Striking with a short tool
This is the basic mechanics of an over the knee spanking.
Based upon what tool you intend to hit with and how much physical damage you wish to inflict, it may change the way you sit, your grip, and where you should place the target (e.g. the sub's ass).
For a heavier-weight tool such as a wooden paddle or large hair brush, you will probably use a standard grip in most situations. For deeper bruising you are best off using a legs forward position.
For a lighter-weight tool such as a ruler, slapper, wooden spoon, slipper, or strap, you can use an overhand grip if you want to deliver quick, repeated blows with a satisfying smack on impact. You can use a standard grip if you want to hit deep and cause bruising. Use legs back for the quick stinging blow and legs forward for a deeper penetrating blow.
*A quick note: focusing on pulling the bottom of the handle will make the striking surface of the tool move faster than if you try to move the striking surface.
As you can see the mechanics are similar for both strikes with a couple of small differences. With a stinging blow the focus should be on quickness instead of power (the power is generated by physics rather than muscle strength) and you stop upon impact rather than continuing to "pull through" the hit.
One other difference of note is that you may have better luck shifting the target position depending upon what style of hit you are attempting.
For penetrating blows the target should be placed (on your lap) along the right side of your body (assuming you are right handed, switch to the left side for lefties).
For stinging blows performed with the overhand grip (and sometimes penetrating blows with the overhand grip), you may find you can hit harder if the target is placed (on your lap) at the center of your body.
One way to practice these techniques is to take something like a wooden spoon and try to perform the motions while standing. You are better off staying as relaxed as possible until you near the hit point. You can adjust things as necessary. Your goal with the spoon is to make the "swish" of the air be as high pitched as possible, since that means the head of the spoon is moving faster. If it makes something like a whistling sound, you are generating tremendous speed.
Based upon what tool you intend to hit with and how much physical damage you wish to inflict, it may change the way you sit, your grip, and where you should place the target (e.g. the sub's ass).
For a heavier-weight tool such as a wooden paddle or large hair brush, you will probably use a standard grip in most situations. For deeper bruising you are best off using a legs forward position.
For a lighter-weight tool such as a ruler, slapper, wooden spoon, slipper, or strap, you can use an overhand grip if you want to deliver quick, repeated blows with a satisfying smack on impact. You can use a standard grip if you want to hit deep and cause bruising. Use legs back for the quick stinging blow and legs forward for a deeper penetrating blow.
*A quick note: focusing on pulling the bottom of the handle will make the striking surface of the tool move faster than if you try to move the striking surface.
As you can see the mechanics are similar for both strikes with a couple of small differences. With a stinging blow the focus should be on quickness instead of power (the power is generated by physics rather than muscle strength) and you stop upon impact rather than continuing to "pull through" the hit.
One other difference of note is that you may have better luck shifting the target position depending upon what style of hit you are attempting.
For penetrating blows the target should be placed (on your lap) along the right side of your body (assuming you are right handed, switch to the left side for lefties).
For stinging blows performed with the overhand grip (and sometimes penetrating blows with the overhand grip), you may find you can hit harder if the target is placed (on your lap) at the center of your body.
One way to practice these techniques is to take something like a wooden spoon and try to perform the motions while standing. You are better off staying as relaxed as possible until you near the hit point. You can adjust things as necessary. Your goal with the spoon is to make the "swish" of the air be as high pitched as possible, since that means the head of the spoon is moving faster. If it makes something like a whistling sound, you are generating tremendous speed.
Biomechanics - Hitting with Power
There are two factors that determine hitting with power. The first is velocity (the speed the striking surface reaches before impact). The second is force (how much power is delivered upon impact).
Physics basics 1:
Speed = Velocity = change in distance / change in time.
Acceleration = change in velocity / change in time.
Force = mass x acceleration.
What this means for punishment tools:
A heavier tool can deliver more potential force if it can reach the same or greater speed than a lighter tool. However, generating equal or greater speed with a heavier tool is generally only possible with downward strikes.
With a horizontal or upward motion there will be a limit to how heavy a tool can be before you start to lose a significant amount of speed and control.
To the best of my knowledge there isn’t a lot of standard terminology used to describe methods for corporal punishment so I am creating my own.
Grip and wrist orientation:
Overhand Grip – This is the type of grip orientation you would use to hit a tennis racket or slap someone (backhand or forehand). With this type of grip the wrist moves parallel to the striking surface and is the final determining factor in power. This grip’s strength is dominated by the thumb and index finger.
Standard Grip – This is the type of grip orientation you would use to split firewood with an axe, pounding a hammer, or delivering a karate chop. While the wrist has some motion, this grip derives most of its power from the elbow. This grip’s strength utilizes all of the fingers in the hand.
What this means for punishment tools:
The overhand grip is better suited for shorter tools (under ~12” in length for rigid tools and under ~36” for whips/floggers) and will work for both rigid and flexible items. The thicker the handle gets, the less force this grip can deliver.
The standard grip is better suited for longer tools as well as heavier tools. It is very strong with long rigid items or longer whips with a bit of girth/weight to them. This grip orientation loses less power with increased handle thickness.
Two types of strikes:
-A Stinging blow. This is the boxing equivalent to a jab. Quick and compact, it will smack hard on the surface with a lot of sting upon impact. This is best suited for lighter weight tools that will reach a high velocity and the focus force is delivered to the point of impact. A quick slap with a crop or leather paddle that reddens the ass comes to mind here.
-A Penetrating blow. This is the boxing equivalent to a right cross (think knockout blow). Deep and painful, it will drive hard into the point of impact with the intent to bruise and/or split the skin. This can be performed with any type of item but the heavier the item, the deeper it will hurt as it delivers force beyond the point of impact and into the underlying tissue.
Most tools will use an overhand grip to perform a stinging blow and a standard grip to deliver a penetrating blow.
Physics basics 1:
Speed = Velocity = change in distance / change in time.
Acceleration = change in velocity / change in time.
Force = mass x acceleration.
What this means for punishment tools:
A heavier tool can deliver more potential force if it can reach the same or greater speed than a lighter tool. However, generating equal or greater speed with a heavier tool is generally only possible with downward strikes.
With a horizontal or upward motion there will be a limit to how heavy a tool can be before you start to lose a significant amount of speed and control.
To the best of my knowledge there isn’t a lot of standard terminology used to describe methods for corporal punishment so I am creating my own.
Grip and wrist orientation:
Overhand Grip – This is the type of grip orientation you would use to hit a tennis racket or slap someone (backhand or forehand). With this type of grip the wrist moves parallel to the striking surface and is the final determining factor in power. This grip’s strength is dominated by the thumb and index finger.
Standard Grip – This is the type of grip orientation you would use to split firewood with an axe, pounding a hammer, or delivering a karate chop. While the wrist has some motion, this grip derives most of its power from the elbow. This grip’s strength utilizes all of the fingers in the hand.
What this means for punishment tools:
The overhand grip is better suited for shorter tools (under ~12” in length for rigid tools and under ~36” for whips/floggers) and will work for both rigid and flexible items. The thicker the handle gets, the less force this grip can deliver.
The standard grip is better suited for longer tools as well as heavier tools. It is very strong with long rigid items or longer whips with a bit of girth/weight to them. This grip orientation loses less power with increased handle thickness.
Two types of strikes:
-A Stinging blow. This is the boxing equivalent to a jab. Quick and compact, it will smack hard on the surface with a lot of sting upon impact. This is best suited for lighter weight tools that will reach a high velocity and the focus force is delivered to the point of impact. A quick slap with a crop or leather paddle that reddens the ass comes to mind here.
-A Penetrating blow. This is the boxing equivalent to a right cross (think knockout blow). Deep and painful, it will drive hard into the point of impact with the intent to bruise and/or split the skin. This can be performed with any type of item but the heavier the item, the deeper it will hurt as it delivers force beyond the point of impact and into the underlying tissue.
Most tools will use an overhand grip to perform a stinging blow and a standard grip to deliver a penetrating blow.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Biomechanics - The Physics of Corporal Punishment
This is mainly for the Dommes that read here, but I was curious about something. I have a background in sports instruction/biomechanics and could diagram some of the techniques and physics for things like:
-How to deliver the hardest slap with a paddle/slapper/hairbrush with the least amount of effort.
-How to achieve the greatest velocity (or greatest destructive force) with a crop or cane.
-How to vary the motion in order to create a quick, biting sting vs. a deep, penetrating bruise.
Would there be any interest in this?
I know it might seem kind of wrong in some ways, learning flogging techniques from a male sub, but I figured since I have the knowledge I may as well offer to pass it on. It's so odd that the methods for hurting someone are the same methods used for hitting a ball, etc.
-How to deliver the hardest slap with a paddle/slapper/hairbrush with the least amount of effort.
-How to achieve the greatest velocity (or greatest destructive force) with a crop or cane.
-How to vary the motion in order to create a quick, biting sting vs. a deep, penetrating bruise.
Would there be any interest in this?
I know it might seem kind of wrong in some ways, learning flogging techniques from a male sub, but I figured since I have the knowledge I may as well offer to pass it on. It's so odd that the methods for hurting someone are the same methods used for hitting a ball, etc.
Humiliation Boutique - The next steps
I think with the next steps I'll do a mix of drawings followed by a "meeting" type drawing that sets up the next sets of themed drawings. I'm not really sure though, but that's what I'm thinking right now.
In all honesty I would love to turn this into a comic sort of a thing but I'm just not good enough with backgrounds to do that yet. I do have some characters in mind but I'm not all that confident that I can make them look similar in each drawing as well :P
I should add that I will probably be taking a small break from drawing on weeknights so I can catch back up on sleep. Also, feedback/comments are always welcome.
In all honesty I would love to turn this into a comic sort of a thing but I'm just not good enough with backgrounds to do that yet. I do have some characters in mind but I'm not all that confident that I can make them look similar in each drawing as well :P
I should add that I will probably be taking a small break from drawing on weeknights so I can catch back up on sleep. Also, feedback/comments are always welcome.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Humiliation Boutique - Tenth Salesgirl (caption drawing)
This will be the last one of this series (following the sales meeting drawings that kicked this off). If I do more they will be of a (similar yet) different theme. (I suppose it would have been nice if I had posted this the first time).
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Humiliation Boutique - First Salesgirl (caption drawing)
I was going to wait until I had a few done but I ran out of steam tonight and only finished one of them so far.
This is supposed to be a follow the drawing on the previous post named "meeting-jpg"
This is supposed to be a follow the drawing on the previous post named "meeting-jpg"
Sunday, December 4, 2011
A random observation
Based on a few of the Domme blogs I follow it's refreshing to know that the tendency to grow increasingly dominant over time seems to be just as noticeable as my own tendencies to grow increasingly submissive over time.
Go figure :)
Go figure :)
Sissy Fantasy: Humiliation Boutique
Lately I've been toying with the idea of doing some sort of on-going series/story/comic type of a thing but each time I tend to run into obstacles preventing me from doing so. Usually it's something along the lines of being too complicated to draw, requiring significant background art, etc.
After having some pretty good feedback on my shopping fantasies that I targeted at Kimberley and reading about some of what Marc is going through on From vanilla to kinky, I had a few ideas swirling around in my twisted mind.
What if there was a shop that specifically catered towards providing a playfully humiliating shopping experience for single sissies and subs with Dommes seeking to humiliate them publicly? Assuming said shop did in fact provide a relatively private safe haven for shoppers, they could probably get away with some rather enormous markups on products since they are technically selling a service that would be paid for with the items.
The scenario my mind has been wading through is of this type of shop with the clientele being primarily single sissies with a few Dommes with sissies in tow. The sales staff would be trained to tease, humiliate, and arouse the shoppers knowing full well that an aroused male has difficulty saying no.
This type of fantasy tends to turn me on in many ways. A specific scenario, a catch-phrase here and there, etc. are the staples of fantasy, but for some reason I get way more "into it" when trying to develop the "back end" of the business model. This is probably because I know some of it would be very effective and the thought of men (myself included) being taken advantage of always tends to get my head spinning.
Some examples:
What type of earnings potential and benefits would need to be present for a woman (dominant or not) to be willing to do this job? Assuming there would be a constant stream of customers what type of mark-up would be needed to make this happen? What kind of discount could be given to women shoppers yet still keep profitability intact?
Male workers could easily be lured in to provide free volunteer help. What kind of basic carrot (beyond the D/s environment) would be necessary to keep them coming back? How badly should their rights be abused in order to weed out the wannabes from the dedicated workers?
How would business decisions be made? What type of "market research" would be done? What would the store rules and policies be?
I know this is probably better reserved for fetish fiction but there's plenty of these scenarios I've wanted to draw. I may go further into this but I was curious if anyone had feedback first. I have done a couple of drawings (one of which is a "lazy artist" type with minor changes to an existing drawing) covering some behind the scenes stuff and if I keep going it will likely be a mix of interactive shopping experiences as well as following specific workers across a given day. I guess I'm also curious if people would be okay with single character drawings with a caption or if they need to have both characters present? It seems that some of the better pictures I use for models are better suited for the single-character type... which leads to the question if people prefer the situation or the women in my drawings. Feel free to chime in.
Women's orientation:
male orientation:
A sales staff meeting:
After having some pretty good feedback on my shopping fantasies that I targeted at Kimberley and reading about some of what Marc is going through on From vanilla to kinky, I had a few ideas swirling around in my twisted mind.
What if there was a shop that specifically catered towards providing a playfully humiliating shopping experience for single sissies and subs with Dommes seeking to humiliate them publicly? Assuming said shop did in fact provide a relatively private safe haven for shoppers, they could probably get away with some rather enormous markups on products since they are technically selling a service that would be paid for with the items.
The scenario my mind has been wading through is of this type of shop with the clientele being primarily single sissies with a few Dommes with sissies in tow. The sales staff would be trained to tease, humiliate, and arouse the shoppers knowing full well that an aroused male has difficulty saying no.
This type of fantasy tends to turn me on in many ways. A specific scenario, a catch-phrase here and there, etc. are the staples of fantasy, but for some reason I get way more "into it" when trying to develop the "back end" of the business model. This is probably because I know some of it would be very effective and the thought of men (myself included) being taken advantage of always tends to get my head spinning.
Some examples:
What type of earnings potential and benefits would need to be present for a woman (dominant or not) to be willing to do this job? Assuming there would be a constant stream of customers what type of mark-up would be needed to make this happen? What kind of discount could be given to women shoppers yet still keep profitability intact?
Male workers could easily be lured in to provide free volunteer help. What kind of basic carrot (beyond the D/s environment) would be necessary to keep them coming back? How badly should their rights be abused in order to weed out the wannabes from the dedicated workers?
How would business decisions be made? What type of "market research" would be done? What would the store rules and policies be?
I know this is probably better reserved for fetish fiction but there's plenty of these scenarios I've wanted to draw. I may go further into this but I was curious if anyone had feedback first. I have done a couple of drawings (one of which is a "lazy artist" type with minor changes to an existing drawing) covering some behind the scenes stuff and if I keep going it will likely be a mix of interactive shopping experiences as well as following specific workers across a given day. I guess I'm also curious if people would be okay with single character drawings with a caption or if they need to have both characters present? It seems that some of the better pictures I use for models are better suited for the single-character type... which leads to the question if people prefer the situation or the women in my drawings. Feel free to chime in.
Women's orientation:
male orientation:
A sales staff meeting:
New Drawing
I was originally going somewhere with this but it didn't work right for what I was trying to do...
so I figured I would just post it as is.
so I figured I would just post it as is.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Turning her Lesbian
I know I just made a post about the dangers of unrealistic fantasizing, but if you've read my blog for a long time you have probably seen that I do enjoy analyzing and trying to get to the root of particular fantasies and how/why they get to us.
I probably seem like a broken record with this... but this is further exploring the Lesbian Fantasy.... which I realize I have done several times already here:
http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2010/07/lesbian-fantasy.html
http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2011/01/revisiting-lesbian-fantasy.html
http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2011/03/cuckold-and-multi-sub-scenarios.html
I know there are a number of women out there who were the last woman their ex-boyfriend dated before coming out of the closet. I'm sure they are cases (although much less documented) of men being the last man their ex-girlfriend dated before becoming a Lesbian.
I'm not one to consider being a cuckold... with another man. Maybe it's my inherent distrust of men, but the thought of Mistress having sex with another man repulses me and it's something that in all likelihood would cause me to leave the relationship. I don't mind her playing with other subs, especially those that have a fetish for doing things that I'm not a fan of (e.g. cleaning, being beaten until the skin breaks and bleeds, or having their rectum ravaged by a giant strap on).
I have thought about what kind of psychological impact there would be if Mistress were to go full-on Lesbian (and not just bi) and cite a reason along the lines of me being inadequate as a lover or her being so fed up with men because of me that she went to play for the other team. Of course, in this romanticized fantasy version I would be kept on as a submissive but replaced as a lover.
I think I kind of view this as being beyond emasculation and is probably the death of the male ego.
I think the appeal on some level is that you are kept at arm's length from what you want but can never have again. The suffering and distress of that position is one that appeals greatly to my subspace. You can keep tacking on extras that push it deeper and deeper: chastity with no hope of release, no underlying love/care to serve as protection from real damage, forced fem as a caricature of femininity, having your income confiscated so that you have no independence or freedom, etc. The other big (fantasy) kicker is, of course, that her Lesbian lover will harbor disdain towards me and be as cruel, if not more cruel than Mistress.
Could I be happy in this situation? I guess it depends upon the other factors. Happy probably isn't the right word since I would surely be unhappy, but at the same time if the situation was as perfect as a fantasy it would probably be a tough situation to ever leave even if I was unhappy.
I am well-aware that this situation is just a fantasy. If a sub was that inferior as a lover and person, she would almost certainly give him the boot as soon as she found a new lover (nor would her lover likely be okay with her keeping a male ex around). I do find it particularly arousing though.
We did attempt to role-play this scenario in the past but had trouble finding a compatible femsub.
I probably seem like a broken record with this... but this is further exploring the Lesbian Fantasy.... which I realize I have done several times already here:
http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2010/07/lesbian-fantasy.html
http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2011/01/revisiting-lesbian-fantasy.html
http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2011/03/cuckold-and-multi-sub-scenarios.html
I know there are a number of women out there who were the last woman their ex-boyfriend dated before coming out of the closet. I'm sure they are cases (although much less documented) of men being the last man their ex-girlfriend dated before becoming a Lesbian.
I'm not one to consider being a cuckold... with another man. Maybe it's my inherent distrust of men, but the thought of Mistress having sex with another man repulses me and it's something that in all likelihood would cause me to leave the relationship. I don't mind her playing with other subs, especially those that have a fetish for doing things that I'm not a fan of (e.g. cleaning, being beaten until the skin breaks and bleeds, or having their rectum ravaged by a giant strap on).
I have thought about what kind of psychological impact there would be if Mistress were to go full-on Lesbian (and not just bi) and cite a reason along the lines of me being inadequate as a lover or her being so fed up with men because of me that she went to play for the other team. Of course, in this romanticized fantasy version I would be kept on as a submissive but replaced as a lover.
I think I kind of view this as being beyond emasculation and is probably the death of the male ego.
I think the appeal on some level is that you are kept at arm's length from what you want but can never have again. The suffering and distress of that position is one that appeals greatly to my subspace. You can keep tacking on extras that push it deeper and deeper: chastity with no hope of release, no underlying love/care to serve as protection from real damage, forced fem as a caricature of femininity, having your income confiscated so that you have no independence or freedom, etc. The other big (fantasy) kicker is, of course, that her Lesbian lover will harbor disdain towards me and be as cruel, if not more cruel than Mistress.
Could I be happy in this situation? I guess it depends upon the other factors. Happy probably isn't the right word since I would surely be unhappy, but at the same time if the situation was as perfect as a fantasy it would probably be a tough situation to ever leave even if I was unhappy.
I am well-aware that this situation is just a fantasy. If a sub was that inferior as a lover and person, she would almost certainly give him the boot as soon as she found a new lover (nor would her lover likely be okay with her keeping a male ex around). I do find it particularly arousing though.
We did attempt to role-play this scenario in the past but had trouble finding a compatible femsub.
Romanticizing Fetishes in Fantasy
While I don't get a lot of people contacting me, I find a large number of the ones that do are seeking a Domme and ask me about how to find one.
There are a couple of common characteristics I have found with these subs:
1. They have little to no real life D/s experience (that they haven't paid money for).
2. They have allowed their fantasies and fetishes to become over-developed before pursuing the lifestyle.
#1 is no big deal to me, everyone has to start somewhere, but #2 is crawling with problems.
As subs, especially before we have taken the plunge into the lifestyle there's usually a fairly long transitional process as we develop into submissives. It usually follows some sort of cycle of being very turned on by a non-traditional means and fantasizing about it, feeling fucked up about it and trying to make it go away, and after several iterations of the first two, finally coming to acceptance that this is something we don't want to live without.
If this process takes too long and is too intense (often assisted by fantasy-based fetish fiction) there's a tendency to develop a romanticized view of the D/s lifestyle and what their role will be within it, complete with theatrics and their perfect fantasy Domme. I generally try to steer them towards my tips for courting a Domme but this often falls on deaf ears (or blind eyes).
All subs would love to have this fantasy life. Those of us within the lifestyle have usually developed more reasonable expectations of it or managed to learn to crave what She enjoys. In this way subs that have a fetish for domestic servitude and performing unsupervised chores have a leg up on the competition (a whip-cracking task-Mistress standing over you while you clean the toilet isn't a reasonable expectation). Subs that have a thing for suffering on any level (mental, physical, emotional, sexual) are also pretty well-suited for the lifestyle although it can be difficult to find a demanding/cruel enough Domme to be a good fit.
Overall, there's a word for subs that have to have things the way they are in their fantasies: single. If it doesn't do anything for her, she probably won't do it. If you are out seeking a D/s relationship the best advice I can give is to try to keep your fantasies in check and make an effort to steer them towards things that make sense for her:
She will probably enjoy hurting you physically (without causing permanent damage).
She will probably want you to worship her body.
She will probably want you to perform domestic tasks.
She will probably want to do some tease & denial but she will probably expect your penis to perform for intercourse as well.
Assuming you are seeking a loving relationship, the above characteristics are probably a fairly safe assumption to make. For most things beyond that (chastity, feminization, pegging, torture, branding, etc.) it really becomes hit or miss and that is more of a good fit/bad fit situation.
It's not sexy, but fantasizing about yourself as someone worth talking to and being with is far more beneficial to your cause than fantasizing about being a naked slave sleeping outdoors in chains in a pile of your own feces unless you end up finding a Domme that wants to have an unemployed slave that doesn't really contribute to her personal life.
There are a couple of common characteristics I have found with these subs:
1. They have little to no real life D/s experience (that they haven't paid money for).
2. They have allowed their fantasies and fetishes to become over-developed before pursuing the lifestyle.
#1 is no big deal to me, everyone has to start somewhere, but #2 is crawling with problems.
As subs, especially before we have taken the plunge into the lifestyle there's usually a fairly long transitional process as we develop into submissives. It usually follows some sort of cycle of being very turned on by a non-traditional means and fantasizing about it, feeling fucked up about it and trying to make it go away, and after several iterations of the first two, finally coming to acceptance that this is something we don't want to live without.
If this process takes too long and is too intense (often assisted by fantasy-based fetish fiction) there's a tendency to develop a romanticized view of the D/s lifestyle and what their role will be within it, complete with theatrics and their perfect fantasy Domme. I generally try to steer them towards my tips for courting a Domme but this often falls on deaf ears (or blind eyes).
All subs would love to have this fantasy life. Those of us within the lifestyle have usually developed more reasonable expectations of it or managed to learn to crave what She enjoys. In this way subs that have a fetish for domestic servitude and performing unsupervised chores have a leg up on the competition (a whip-cracking task-Mistress standing over you while you clean the toilet isn't a reasonable expectation). Subs that have a thing for suffering on any level (mental, physical, emotional, sexual) are also pretty well-suited for the lifestyle although it can be difficult to find a demanding/cruel enough Domme to be a good fit.
Overall, there's a word for subs that have to have things the way they are in their fantasies: single. If it doesn't do anything for her, she probably won't do it. If you are out seeking a D/s relationship the best advice I can give is to try to keep your fantasies in check and make an effort to steer them towards things that make sense for her:
She will probably enjoy hurting you physically (without causing permanent damage).
She will probably want you to worship her body.
She will probably want you to perform domestic tasks.
She will probably want to do some tease & denial but she will probably expect your penis to perform for intercourse as well.
Assuming you are seeking a loving relationship, the above characteristics are probably a fairly safe assumption to make. For most things beyond that (chastity, feminization, pegging, torture, branding, etc.) it really becomes hit or miss and that is more of a good fit/bad fit situation.
It's not sexy, but fantasizing about yourself as someone worth talking to and being with is far more beneficial to your cause than fantasizing about being a naked slave sleeping outdoors in chains in a pile of your own feces unless you end up finding a Domme that wants to have an unemployed slave that doesn't really contribute to her personal life.
I love this coat...
... and I think it would look great on a Domme except I would make a couple of changes.
The number of straps/buckles is a bit over the top. I like how they taper the fit but dropping the number down to 1-3 of them would give more of an hourglass shape definition. Also, the top strap is a bit on the high side, where instead of pushing up the bust it seems to hold it down and steals from its femininity.
Overall very nice though.
The number of straps/buckles is a bit over the top. I like how they taper the fit but dropping the number down to 1-3 of them would give more of an hourglass shape definition. Also, the top strap is a bit on the high side, where instead of pushing up the bust it seems to hold it down and steals from its femininity.
Overall very nice though.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Drawing weakness
I realize just how limited my drawings are by the fact that I suck ass at drawing backgrounds. I know I should practice/learn how to draw them... but it is of relatively little interest to me, especially when they will take as long or longer than drawing the people in the drawings.
This is where I feel I've hit a wall.
My all-time goal for drawing was to be able to draw a woman sexy enough to masturbate to (sad but true). I feel like I'm reaching that point (although it's not perfect) but I'm stuck deciding if I want to develop a more complete ability or just keep working on what I enjoy doing more.
This is where I feel I've hit a wall.
My all-time goal for drawing was to be able to draw a woman sexy enough to masturbate to (sad but true). I feel like I'm reaching that point (although it's not perfect) but I'm stuck deciding if I want to develop a more complete ability or just keep working on what I enjoy doing more.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Earmuff Headphones
It seems the headphone in the earmuff idea has finally worked its way towards the women's fashion style of earmuffs (and not just the unisex behind the head fleece kind).
I doubt they're the noise-blocking kind I wrote about a while ago in a post on sensory deprivation but oh well.
The previous post about this is located here.
I doubt they're the noise-blocking kind I wrote about a while ago in a post on sensory deprivation but oh well.
The previous post about this is located here.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
By popular demand...
So... the past few shopping drawings have been very well-received. I had been trying to envision a few situations Kimberley has been in and how they might feel.
With that in mind, if I had to title this one it would probably be "Kimberley's Nightmare."
I did a caption but realized it was almost becoming a story by itself so I figured I would post both since the caption drawing is very cluttered.
With that in mind, if I had to title this one it would probably be "Kimberley's Nightmare."
I did a caption but realized it was almost becoming a story by itself so I figured I would post both since the caption drawing is very cluttered.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
A drawing for Kimberley
I changed to a slight recoloring on the woman in black as her flesh-tone was a bit off compared to the rest of them.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Some differences in D/s relationships
Some comments on the blog From Vanilla To Kinky - Our FLR Journey led to a few lengthy responses on my part when there seemed to be a fundamental difference in points of view between the blog authors and some readers.
The text that I wrote about this and was quoted on in their most recent post is:
"In this realm of D/s you'll find two different types of relationships. The first is one rooted in BDSM protocols. In these types of relationships they are generally established on a mutual grounds of consent and the rules primarily apply during periods of play (although they often bleed over into more aspects of life). In this situation, hard limits are often seen as an absolute law that aren't to be broken without prior consent from both parties. Many of the established rules were designed to protect female submissives from maleDoms that might otherwise cause significant damage to them.
The second type is one that exists outside of these rules (you can call them what you will, Femdom, 24-7, FLR, etc.). In these types of relationships, the consent is to submit and you are at the mercy of whatever that submission may entail. Things like safe words and hard limits are more like a suggestion (than a boundary) to the Domme, one that she may consider but will ultimately have the final decision on.
I have been in both styles of relationship and they are quite different. I am guessing that you probably viewed your relaxing of a hard limit as a meaningful gift, a symbol of trust catering towards something she was wanting to try out.
In a BDSM-rooted relationship, you are correct and there are probably many Dommes that have come up through the BDSM community ranks that would find that gesture endearing.
In a 24-7 sense, it was overstepping bounds. You cannot gift what is theirs to take. Taking pride in giving such a gift is something that would probably get smacked down... hard."
I wanted to elaborate a bit on that and I figured it would be better to post that here rather than hijack their comments for me to drone on about something that is no longer related to the post.
I was re-reading the quoted text tonight and while I know I generalized (there's way more flavors of relationships than just those two, but those two illustrated what needed to be conveyed), I feel I can strip it down another level.
The first type of relationship can probably be better described as:
A D/s relationship based upon mutual consent towards mutual pleasure. Both parties agree to the terms of the relationship and both parties seek to create pleasure for each other.
The second type of relationship can probably be summarized as:
A D/s relationship based primarily upon her pleasure. The sub's pleasure is either coincidental (kink overlap), incidental (situational fetish), or granted by the Domme (usually out of love/consideration) but it should not be expected nor be a focal point.
The second type might seem rather harsh, but it seems to be special types of relationships that make it there. Some are relationships that evolve to that over a long period of time where the Domme gradually becomes more dominant and the sub gradually becomes more submissive. Others often involve VERY dominant women that have a great deal of experience within the lifestyle. Their subs know what they are in for and can usually only hack it if they have a deep submissive nature and a lot of kink overlap.
The text that I wrote about this and was quoted on in their most recent post is:
"In this realm of D/s you'll find two different types of relationships. The first is one rooted in BDSM protocols. In these types of relationships they are generally established on a mutual grounds of consent and the rules primarily apply during periods of play (although they often bleed over into more aspects of life). In this situation, hard limits are often seen as an absolute law that aren't to be broken without prior consent from both parties. Many of the established rules were designed to protect female submissives from maleDoms that might otherwise cause significant damage to them.
The second type is one that exists outside of these rules (you can call them what you will, Femdom, 24-7, FLR, etc.). In these types of relationships, the consent is to submit and you are at the mercy of whatever that submission may entail. Things like safe words and hard limits are more like a suggestion (than a boundary) to the Domme, one that she may consider but will ultimately have the final decision on.
I have been in both styles of relationship and they are quite different. I am guessing that you probably viewed your relaxing of a hard limit as a meaningful gift, a symbol of trust catering towards something she was wanting to try out.
In a BDSM-rooted relationship, you are correct and there are probably many Dommes that have come up through the BDSM community ranks that would find that gesture endearing.
In a 24-7 sense, it was overstepping bounds. You cannot gift what is theirs to take. Taking pride in giving such a gift is something that would probably get smacked down... hard."
I wanted to elaborate a bit on that and I figured it would be better to post that here rather than hijack their comments for me to drone on about something that is no longer related to the post.
I was re-reading the quoted text tonight and while I know I generalized (there's way more flavors of relationships than just those two, but those two illustrated what needed to be conveyed), I feel I can strip it down another level.
The first type of relationship can probably be better described as:
A D/s relationship based upon mutual consent towards mutual pleasure. Both parties agree to the terms of the relationship and both parties seek to create pleasure for each other.
The second type of relationship can probably be summarized as:
A D/s relationship based primarily upon her pleasure. The sub's pleasure is either coincidental (kink overlap), incidental (situational fetish), or granted by the Domme (usually out of love/consideration) but it should not be expected nor be a focal point.
The second type might seem rather harsh, but it seems to be special types of relationships that make it there. Some are relationships that evolve to that over a long period of time where the Domme gradually becomes more dominant and the sub gradually becomes more submissive. Others often involve VERY dominant women that have a great deal of experience within the lifestyle. Their subs know what they are in for and can usually only hack it if they have a deep submissive nature and a lot of kink overlap.
Monday, October 17, 2011
A drawing for Kimmy
I had a caption in mind but this falls more into the portrait category. It would have read something along the lines of "I got a matching one for you, too."
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Push & Pull: The Mind-Fuck and Conflicting Emotions
This is another post related to some things I wrote recently on Marc and Cleo's blog.
I've recently had a few chats with a sub that has very similar fetishes to mine: being force feminized and humiliated with a lot of fur involved. In our chats he mentioned something that really hit home with me and that is the idea of conflicting emotions.
I've felt conflicting emotions many many times but I've never described it so simply. It's such a simple description but I understood exactly what he meant and it took so very few words.
This is really the core of the mind-fuck: to put a sub in a position of intense conflicting emotions of both extreme arousal and extreme emotional discomfort.
Very few Dommes really do this well, probably because it really requires a wicked cruel streak to get off on watching your sub having a huge erection while crying tears of shame. If it doesn't get her off, she has no reason to do it (well), and I just don't know that many Dommes that really enjoy it.
As a sub, I guess I'm a bit twisted. It tends to be the emotional conflict that turns me on and deepens my subspace more than the activity itself. Without the humiliation, forced feminization is meaningless to me. I have no desire to be a woman, dress as a woman, or be able to pass as a woman. I do desire to be forced to half-assedly dress in some women's garments and be mocked for how stupid I look. I would be terrified if any "outsider" saw me, but being seen and laughed at by a (female) "outsider" turns me on.
I guess this shows how far I have come to terms with myself as a submissive. I'm no longer embarrassed to state that I am a submissive and enjoy kinky activities (almost all of our vanilla friends and my parents are aware of this). There was a time when the threat of having this exposed was mortifying. As I have come to accept my submissive nature as a part of me, the fear is gone. On its basic level the idea of being exposed as someone who enjoys bondage or body worship can no longer be used as a mind-fuck without a lot of creativity.
As I constantly write about, I'm not comfortable with nor readily accepted myself as a sissy. I doubt I ever will. This will probably leave me open to mind-fucks on this subject for the rest of my life. Part of me is at peace with that because I hate to think what the next step would be if I needed something even more intense to get me off.
As to what inspired the subject matter of this post...
The sub I was chatting with gets mind-fucked a LOT. He referenced being forced to try this on at a store as the only time he was brought to tears.
To this day, one of my biggest mind-fucks was having my Mistress at the time make me try this on in a crowded department store. I was so humiliated I thought I was going to throw up and/or cry but I managed to tough it out with a bright red face, unable to speak or lift my eyes from the ground.
I've recently had a few chats with a sub that has very similar fetishes to mine: being force feminized and humiliated with a lot of fur involved. In our chats he mentioned something that really hit home with me and that is the idea of conflicting emotions.
I've felt conflicting emotions many many times but I've never described it so simply. It's such a simple description but I understood exactly what he meant and it took so very few words.
This is really the core of the mind-fuck: to put a sub in a position of intense conflicting emotions of both extreme arousal and extreme emotional discomfort.
Very few Dommes really do this well, probably because it really requires a wicked cruel streak to get off on watching your sub having a huge erection while crying tears of shame. If it doesn't get her off, she has no reason to do it (well), and I just don't know that many Dommes that really enjoy it.
As a sub, I guess I'm a bit twisted. It tends to be the emotional conflict that turns me on and deepens my subspace more than the activity itself. Without the humiliation, forced feminization is meaningless to me. I have no desire to be a woman, dress as a woman, or be able to pass as a woman. I do desire to be forced to half-assedly dress in some women's garments and be mocked for how stupid I look. I would be terrified if any "outsider" saw me, but being seen and laughed at by a (female) "outsider" turns me on.
I guess this shows how far I have come to terms with myself as a submissive. I'm no longer embarrassed to state that I am a submissive and enjoy kinky activities (almost all of our vanilla friends and my parents are aware of this). There was a time when the threat of having this exposed was mortifying. As I have come to accept my submissive nature as a part of me, the fear is gone. On its basic level the idea of being exposed as someone who enjoys bondage or body worship can no longer be used as a mind-fuck without a lot of creativity.
As I constantly write about, I'm not comfortable with nor readily accepted myself as a sissy. I doubt I ever will. This will probably leave me open to mind-fucks on this subject for the rest of my life. Part of me is at peace with that because I hate to think what the next step would be if I needed something even more intense to get me off.
As to what inspired the subject matter of this post...
The sub I was chatting with gets mind-fucked a LOT. He referenced being forced to try this on at a store as the only time he was brought to tears.
To this day, one of my biggest mind-fucks was having my Mistress at the time make me try this on in a crowded department store. I was so humiliated I thought I was going to throw up and/or cry but I managed to tough it out with a bright red face, unable to speak or lift my eyes from the ground.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)