There's often a male submissive fantasy of serving a woman that is quite cruel, inflicting many forms of suffering, humiliation, and torment upon the sub. In reality, this scenario rarely surfaces amongst Femdom couples (although it does happen, the percentage of written fantasies tends to be overshadowed by the percentage of couples actually doing this).
For this topic, I will simply try to answer the question, why is it this way?
From a submissive perspective, while they may wish for this, it's unlikely that a submissive could truly handle it on a 24-7 scale. A few hours? Sure. A weekend? Definitely. Every day for two years? Not as easy to answer. I give this one the mark of "fantasy and penis biting off more than they could chew." While it's possible in small doses, 99% of males simply aren't emotionally prepared for something like this to actually happen. Without pleasure, emotional and sexual gratification, and a worthwhile sense of self, the sub would likely either cease to exist as a person or become unhappy and rebel against his Domme.
The Domme side of things is a bit more complicated.
The first thing that comes to mind as to why there aren't a lot of Dommes out there that tend to carry this disposition full-time is that it just doesn't offer a lot to many women. I can understand why a woman would want a sex slave for pleasure, I can understand why a woman would want a sub male for domestic chores, and I can understand why a woman would want a man who is completely devoted to her and responsive to her every whim. These things provide tangible, pleasurable results, in addition to the knowledge that there is a man out there who exists merely to give her those pleasurable results.
The second thing I can think of is that there aren't many people out there with natural impulses to inflict suffering. A weekend of teasing, humiliation, and suffering requires significant planning and the ability to make on the fly adjustments as needed that remain consistent with that theme. Unless that really "does it" for her, there isn't a lot of motivation for a Domme to go to those lengths. Similarly, if/when the unexpected occurs, will she be able to react quickly and naturally in a purely cruel way? I believe it takes a certain personality type to really enjoy this and I don't think it's a very common one.
Delving into fetishes gets things a bit closer. A Domme may have a fetish for spanking or inflicting pain in a sadistic way. This I can understand a bit since it's a tangible activity yielding a specific result. On the other hand, bondage is a little bit closer. Having a sub bound and helpless does bring up feelings of power and control and it's also a matter of taking away his freedom to increase her pleasure. I believe Dommes who really enjoy strict bondage are of the right nature to be cruel.
So what about this makes things appealing to these Dommes? A few things I can come up with:
1. Knowledge that he willingly suffers for her pleasure - devotion.
2. Feelings of power and control.
3. Feeling playful and naughty.
4. It gets her off.
I have a feeling that number four is probably the great separating point between "these types" of Dommes and Dommes that don't have a lot of interest in cruelty. I could be wrong, but that's about the only explanation I could find for a Domme dressing her sub up in a maid's outfit while locked in chastity and forced to humiliate himself in front of her. Something about his suffering and discomfort has to make her tick on a deep level or she probably wouldn't do it.
I find this difference rather intriguing as certain scenarios will have one Domme hissing "YESSSSS, MOOOORE!" while the same scenario will leave many Dommes shaking their head saying "Nope, doesn't do it for me."
I know guilt probably plays a big part while a Domme is developing in terms of how cruel she can be while completely enjoying it. As long as she truly values her pleasure over his comfort that avenue can be explored thoroughly without hesitation. I believe it's probably more likely for a woman to enjoy being cruel if her early experiences with domination were with men that she didn't love nor seriously care about.
Any thoughts?
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Views on Intimacy and Jealousy - Women vs. men
Recently, Lady Grey made a post on her blog recounting a story of her relationship and an early snag caused by jealousy. The comments raised up a few interesting points on the situation and how differing views of intimacy helped contribute to the problem.
The post is located here:
http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/2010/06/green-eyed-monster.html
The Mistress at the Forever Hers blog also made a post regarding those ideas that is an interesting read and gives some things to ponder.
http://forever-hers2010.blogspot.com/2010/06/intimacy.html
What I have come to believe is that men and women tend to have differing views of intimacy and this greatly affects what actions they view as being okay and what actions may lead to jealousy. Keep in mind that these ideas I am presenting are general stereotypes that of course will not be true in every case but they do hold true for many cases.
The woman's view of intimacy:
Women tend to view an intimate act as one that carries a shared emotional bond by both parties. During these times both individuals have a similar priority structure for the feelings and needs of the other and in turn, it gives them each a feeling of closeness and connection to the other. Basically, it makes them feel more in love and devoted to one another.
The male view of intimacy:
Men tend to view an intimate act as one that embodies a desire for physical contact with the other party. These include most sexual acts such as kissing, groping, intercourse, oral sex, and the like. Also included would be acts done with sexual intent. e.g. a back massage done for therapeutic reasons would not be intimate, but a back massage done to turn the woman on and touch her body would be intimate.
As you can see, these views don't entirely overlap and in some cases, they can flat out clash with each other. In my opinion, its when one party performs an action that conflicts with the other's view of intimacy that jealousy is born.
When a woman gets jealous:
A woman usually gets jealous when she feels the man has breached his loyalty either in regards to desire or on an emotional level. If a man is overly friendly with another woman, she feels he is attempting to form a bond with someone else and she will become jealous. In the D/s realm, if a man wishes to serve another woman in a non-sexual and simply doing something like cleaning her house, she may believe that he wishes to devote himself to someone else and she will become jealous. This jealousy is, in many cases, quite justified.
When a man gets jealous:
A man usually gets jealous when she feels the woman is engaging in activities he considers of an unfaithful or sexual nature. In many cases it's something she considers completely harmless since her devotion to him never wanes nor does she view it as intimate but he may become jealous whether or not the other party involved has an innocent or ulterior motive. Basically, if he is not the only man that can monopolize her attention, he may get jealous.
In some cases, this jealousy is justified. In other cases, it can be way off base. If she goes to a male massage therapist for a therapeutic back massage, he shouldn't be jealous. If she gets a back massage from that guy at her work that flirts with her all the time, being jealous is quite reasonable... but...
he should consider whether or not she deems it intimate before he acts upon his feelings.
Why the man is usually wrong to feel jealous:
In many cases the man will get jealous because he feels she is being unfaithful if she engages in any act that he would deem (even potentially) sexual and intimate. However, while she may partake in said act, if her devotion to him never wanes, she retains her full commitment to him in her heart. While she might accept the back massage from her flirty co-worker, she merely wants the back massage (even if the co-worker is trying to seduce her). In the D/s realm, if she chooses to spank another male sub, in most cases she doesn't wish to actually love the sub, nor take him into the household. There may be other times where she simply pretends to flirt just to get her way or make a man do something for her without her actually wanting anything to do with him. In these times if the man is jealous it is usually a sign of his ego and pride, and feelings that he should be the only man that can have her attention.
Why the woman is usually right to feel jealous:
Women tend to get jealous when they feel a man's devotion to her waning. He leaves her in his heart, if even for a brief moment. When he flirts he is envisioning himself being intimate with the woman he is flirting with. If he wishes to serve another woman he is envisioning himself being intimate with the other woman. His loss of devotion and heart are genuine causes for concern and jealousy is justified.
Overall, I'm just not a big supporter of male jealousy. If you are a man and able to know and trust how your woman truly feels there is no need to have any fear or resentment when she interacts with other men. If she has to turn elsewhere to get her needs completely met, you should step up and try to fill those needs yourself.
The post is located here:
http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/2010/06/green-eyed-monster.html
The Mistress at the Forever Hers blog also made a post regarding those ideas that is an interesting read and gives some things to ponder.
http://forever-hers2010.blogspot.com/2010/06/intimacy.html
What I have come to believe is that men and women tend to have differing views of intimacy and this greatly affects what actions they view as being okay and what actions may lead to jealousy. Keep in mind that these ideas I am presenting are general stereotypes that of course will not be true in every case but they do hold true for many cases.
The woman's view of intimacy:
Women tend to view an intimate act as one that carries a shared emotional bond by both parties. During these times both individuals have a similar priority structure for the feelings and needs of the other and in turn, it gives them each a feeling of closeness and connection to the other. Basically, it makes them feel more in love and devoted to one another.
The male view of intimacy:
Men tend to view an intimate act as one that embodies a desire for physical contact with the other party. These include most sexual acts such as kissing, groping, intercourse, oral sex, and the like. Also included would be acts done with sexual intent. e.g. a back massage done for therapeutic reasons would not be intimate, but a back massage done to turn the woman on and touch her body would be intimate.
As you can see, these views don't entirely overlap and in some cases, they can flat out clash with each other. In my opinion, its when one party performs an action that conflicts with the other's view of intimacy that jealousy is born.
When a woman gets jealous:
A woman usually gets jealous when she feels the man has breached his loyalty either in regards to desire or on an emotional level. If a man is overly friendly with another woman, she feels he is attempting to form a bond with someone else and she will become jealous. In the D/s realm, if a man wishes to serve another woman in a non-sexual and simply doing something like cleaning her house, she may believe that he wishes to devote himself to someone else and she will become jealous. This jealousy is, in many cases, quite justified.
When a man gets jealous:
A man usually gets jealous when she feels the woman is engaging in activities he considers of an unfaithful or sexual nature. In many cases it's something she considers completely harmless since her devotion to him never wanes nor does she view it as intimate but he may become jealous whether or not the other party involved has an innocent or ulterior motive. Basically, if he is not the only man that can monopolize her attention, he may get jealous.
In some cases, this jealousy is justified. In other cases, it can be way off base. If she goes to a male massage therapist for a therapeutic back massage, he shouldn't be jealous. If she gets a back massage from that guy at her work that flirts with her all the time, being jealous is quite reasonable... but...
he should consider whether or not she deems it intimate before he acts upon his feelings.
Why the man is usually wrong to feel jealous:
In many cases the man will get jealous because he feels she is being unfaithful if she engages in any act that he would deem (even potentially) sexual and intimate. However, while she may partake in said act, if her devotion to him never wanes, she retains her full commitment to him in her heart. While she might accept the back massage from her flirty co-worker, she merely wants the back massage (even if the co-worker is trying to seduce her). In the D/s realm, if she chooses to spank another male sub, in most cases she doesn't wish to actually love the sub, nor take him into the household. There may be other times where she simply pretends to flirt just to get her way or make a man do something for her without her actually wanting anything to do with him. In these times if the man is jealous it is usually a sign of his ego and pride, and feelings that he should be the only man that can have her attention.
Why the woman is usually right to feel jealous:
Women tend to get jealous when they feel a man's devotion to her waning. He leaves her in his heart, if even for a brief moment. When he flirts he is envisioning himself being intimate with the woman he is flirting with. If he wishes to serve another woman he is envisioning himself being intimate with the other woman. His loss of devotion and heart are genuine causes for concern and jealousy is justified.
Overall, I'm just not a big supporter of male jealousy. If you are a man and able to know and trust how your woman truly feels there is no need to have any fear or resentment when she interacts with other men. If she has to turn elsewhere to get her needs completely met, you should step up and try to fill those needs yourself.
A little peek into my world
I was a bit reluctant to post a picture of some things before. I figured I would try once more and see what kind of response I get and it may be something I will continue with in the future.
I am calling this post a little peek into my world since it probably illustrates quite well just how my initial fetishes got twisted into what things are now. In hindsight, it was actually quite skillful how my sexual responses were manipulated over the years and a deep attraction to women in fur and an enjoyment for the touch of fur eventually forced me down this road to sissyhood and humiliation.
These pictures represent only a small subset of items and combinations that I have been forced to wear over the years.
Keep in mind that these don't just come into play during the winter, they happen year round while serving and during play.
A serious threat of being taken out while dressed in these is usually enough to almost bring me to tears. Shopping for items like these ends up being a bit exhilarating but quite humiliating if I am forced to try any of them on in the store.
It brings me great shame and embarrassment that being forced to dress up turns me on and I doubt that will ever go away.
The completed outfits are usually quite "whore-like" with short skirts, tight fitting tops, stockings and garters, etc. Even when dressed in male clothing, being forced to wear hats, earmuffs, and gloves like those pictured above is enough to bring on severe humiliation.
Any comments?
I am calling this post a little peek into my world since it probably illustrates quite well just how my initial fetishes got twisted into what things are now. In hindsight, it was actually quite skillful how my sexual responses were manipulated over the years and a deep attraction to women in fur and an enjoyment for the touch of fur eventually forced me down this road to sissyhood and humiliation.
Any comments?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
A Quick Blurb
I realize I haven't posted a whole lot lately. I've been quite busy and haven't had much time to think about things nor have I lingered much in the submissive mindset.
I seem to have picked up a few new readers who are leaving comments. That makes me very happy. Thank you for posting here and letting me know that I'm writing to someone :)
The picture below is a photo from several years ago of some of the items that have been part of my forced sissy experiences. As you can see, my fur fetish was really turned against me and strongly contributed to the sissy state I find myself in now. For 5+ years my only permitted orgasms happened when dressed in items like those below (and usually with an entire matching outfit) and it really did one hell of a job conditioning my sexual responses into the twisted mess they are now.
Things have gotten even more humiliating since then.
I seem to have picked up a few new readers who are leaving comments. That makes me very happy. Thank you for posting here and letting me know that I'm writing to someone :)
The picture below is a photo from several years ago of some of the items that have been part of my forced sissy experiences. As you can see, my fur fetish was really turned against me and strongly contributed to the sissy state I find myself in now. For 5+ years my only permitted orgasms happened when dressed in items like those below (and usually with an entire matching outfit) and it really did one hell of a job conditioning my sexual responses into the twisted mess they are now.
Things have gotten even more humiliating since then.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Public Humiliation Accessory - Bells
After the first panty experience I wrote about in my last post my Mistress wanted to increase my level of self-consciousness at all times. The first thing she did was have a small jingle bell tied to a string that she wanted me to wear around my neck at all times. If I was good, I could wear the bell under my shirt. If I was bad, she would order me to wear the bell outside of my shirt. Under the shirt gave a slight ticking sound when I walked, but over the shirt gave the full on jingle. This weighed on my mind rather heavily when I was out and about, even when nothing else was involved.
Bells were also integrated into punishment. Corner time with bells in order to keep me still. If the bells jingled, there would be additional punishments. This was especially bad if I had to sneeze or had an itch somewhere.
She had planned to make some bracelets/anklets, necklaces, cock ring, and clips that would have jingle bells on them for public humiliation. e.g. having to wear two elastic anklets with jingle bells on them that would jingle with every step I took. When she started to bring up the idea of dressing me up and humiliating me in public she wanted to add bells in order to draw the attention of more people if I was jingling loudly.
Circumstances prevented these events from ever happening but they still manage to get into my head every now and then and it brings up a cache of emotions.
Bells were also integrated into punishment. Corner time with bells in order to keep me still. If the bells jingled, there would be additional punishments. This was especially bad if I had to sneeze or had an itch somewhere.
She had planned to make some bracelets/anklets, necklaces, cock ring, and clips that would have jingle bells on them for public humiliation. e.g. having to wear two elastic anklets with jingle bells on them that would jingle with every step I took. When she started to bring up the idea of dressing me up and humiliating me in public she wanted to add bells in order to draw the attention of more people if I was jingling loudly.
Circumstances prevented these events from ever happening but they still manage to get into my head every now and then and it brings up a cache of emotions.
Humiliation Starts in the Mind
Much of the rush of public humiliation is a product of the mind.
I can remember the first time that I was ordered to wear panties under my clothes when we went out shopping (panties have never been a fetish of mine and they still aren't to this day). This was very early in my first D/s relationship. I didn't want to do it but I got a warning of what would happen if I didn't so I didn't offer much resistance. My mind was racing around about it and I was feeling incredibly self-conscious. This was really one of the first major mind-fucks I ever received. I stayed relatively quiet while we were shopping and after a while Mistress started whispering things in my ear.
"She knows you're wearing panties."
"They can all tell you're a perverted panty boy."
"See that girl over there? She's looking at you funny, I know that she knows."
Each time she would say something it would make me blush profusely and I was getting pushed deeper and deeper into subspace... even though I knew what she was saying wasn't really true, my mind was so clouded that it was as if she was speaking the truth. The deeper I found myself in subspace the more turned on it made me and soon after she noticed the bulge in my pants and the comments happened more frequently and there were even some threats about shopping for more panties for me that day since she liked what it was doing to me.
Several years later while I was with my second Mistress I had a similar type of rush in the mind. We had been out shopping and found a pair of pink gloves trimmed with pink fur that she was going to make me wear. Later in the week she ordered me to go to the store with the gloves and find a matching hat and sweater. Matching = must match perfectly. Perfect match = I would have to bring the gloves with me.
This was ordered as a solo trip so I went off to the mall that had a few stores we would often shop at together. I had the gloves in my coat pockets and when I first found something that I thought was similar, I found it was incredibly difficult for me to take the glove out of my pocket to see if it matched. As I was about to do it for the first time I was hit with this incredible paranoia that was similar to the panties trip, it felt like I was surrounded by other shoppers and that all of them were paying attention to what I was doing (and assuming that I was shopping for myself and not for a gift). I would kind of go to a secluded area to compare and I'm guessing I must have looked a lot like a shoplifter. Luckily, the hat was easier since I found one of the same brand from the same collection and knew it was a perfect match.
I believe the trip was ordered since she knew I would feel that way and she asked me to tell her about the trip later.
Isn't it odd how there doesn't have to be any real humiliation to feel humiliated?
I can remember the first time that I was ordered to wear panties under my clothes when we went out shopping (panties have never been a fetish of mine and they still aren't to this day). This was very early in my first D/s relationship. I didn't want to do it but I got a warning of what would happen if I didn't so I didn't offer much resistance. My mind was racing around about it and I was feeling incredibly self-conscious. This was really one of the first major mind-fucks I ever received. I stayed relatively quiet while we were shopping and after a while Mistress started whispering things in my ear.
"She knows you're wearing panties."
"They can all tell you're a perverted panty boy."
"See that girl over there? She's looking at you funny, I know that she knows."
Each time she would say something it would make me blush profusely and I was getting pushed deeper and deeper into subspace... even though I knew what she was saying wasn't really true, my mind was so clouded that it was as if she was speaking the truth. The deeper I found myself in subspace the more turned on it made me and soon after she noticed the bulge in my pants and the comments happened more frequently and there were even some threats about shopping for more panties for me that day since she liked what it was doing to me.
Several years later while I was with my second Mistress I had a similar type of rush in the mind. We had been out shopping and found a pair of pink gloves trimmed with pink fur that she was going to make me wear. Later in the week she ordered me to go to the store with the gloves and find a matching hat and sweater. Matching = must match perfectly. Perfect match = I would have to bring the gloves with me.
This was ordered as a solo trip so I went off to the mall that had a few stores we would often shop at together. I had the gloves in my coat pockets and when I first found something that I thought was similar, I found it was incredibly difficult for me to take the glove out of my pocket to see if it matched. As I was about to do it for the first time I was hit with this incredible paranoia that was similar to the panties trip, it felt like I was surrounded by other shoppers and that all of them were paying attention to what I was doing (and assuming that I was shopping for myself and not for a gift). I would kind of go to a secluded area to compare and I'm guessing I must have looked a lot like a shoplifter. Luckily, the hat was easier since I found one of the same brand from the same collection and knew it was a perfect match.
I believe the trip was ordered since she knew I would feel that way and she asked me to tell her about the trip later.
Isn't it odd how there doesn't have to be any real humiliation to feel humiliated?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Dream Bondage Device - Cold Weather Depersonalization Mask
My fetishes are a bit ironic considering I hate cold weather, especially since many of my dreams end up being in cold weather scenarios. Sticking to the depersonalization theme of the two recent posts, it got me thinking about a particular dream that involved a cold weather climate and many male slaves.
In this particular dream the slaves wore uniforms had their faces covered at all times. Since it was cold they wore knit ski masks, but the ski masks they wore had no holes for the eyes or mouth so they were more like having a long stocking cap pulled over the head. They also had a leather locking strap that would secure it around the neck and could be locked to a collar.
If you remember back when you were younger and you would mess around with kids in school pulling each other's hats down over the eyes, while this blocks a lot of your vision, you can still see a little bit between the tiny gaps in the knitting (although it does have a severely limited field of vision).
Thus, the slaves in the masks could still see enough to perform most tasks but it made delicate tasks much more difficult as well as hindered their abilities to defend themselves from abuse or discipline from women.
From a depersonalization standpoint, these faceless masks assisted in making the men appear "less than human" and anonymous (in a replaceable/expendable sense). It also removed their facial expressions and in conjunction with a gag, it would remove most indicators of pain levels when they would be disciplined through corporal punishment.
While I'm sure these could be in any color, my dreams tend to gravitate around certain trends and the masks were usually some feminine pastel color with a huge, dorky fur pom pom on top.
I can draw some sketches if people request that but at the same time I tend to enjoy the exercise of visualizing something based upon a textual description. Everyone seems to come up with their own unique interpretation and that is often way more fun than spoiling it with a drawing.
In this particular dream the slaves wore uniforms had their faces covered at all times. Since it was cold they wore knit ski masks, but the ski masks they wore had no holes for the eyes or mouth so they were more like having a long stocking cap pulled over the head. They also had a leather locking strap that would secure it around the neck and could be locked to a collar.
If you remember back when you were younger and you would mess around with kids in school pulling each other's hats down over the eyes, while this blocks a lot of your vision, you can still see a little bit between the tiny gaps in the knitting (although it does have a severely limited field of vision).
Thus, the slaves in the masks could still see enough to perform most tasks but it made delicate tasks much more difficult as well as hindered their abilities to defend themselves from abuse or discipline from women.
From a depersonalization standpoint, these faceless masks assisted in making the men appear "less than human" and anonymous (in a replaceable/expendable sense). It also removed their facial expressions and in conjunction with a gag, it would remove most indicators of pain levels when they would be disciplined through corporal punishment.
While I'm sure these could be in any color, my dreams tend to gravitate around certain trends and the masks were usually some feminine pastel color with a huge, dorky fur pom pom on top.
I can draw some sketches if people request that but at the same time I tend to enjoy the exercise of visualizing something based upon a textual description. Everyone seems to come up with their own unique interpretation and that is often way more fun than spoiling it with a drawing.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
"That Look" - Facial Expressions and Reactions
I've talked a bit in the past about sissies and fetishes for humiliation.
One of the things in public humiliation that tends to get to them in fantasy or reality is the reaction of women (or men). While many may fantasize about playful interaction, in most cases a reaction from afar is the most they can hope for. These might range from a double take to some playful whispers to a friend to outright disgust. Overall I think that most of these reactions can't be faked... or at least not well.
Having been humiliated in public before, I've found that things like a natural surprise, shock, smirk, or giggle just don't seem to represent well in a staged setting. With this in mind, I can imagine it would be hard for someone who really enjoys public humiliation to be able to get off to humiliation porn. Most pictures attempting to display shock or surprise end up coming off completely fake and unnatural.
I'm not a huge fan of being humiliated publicly but I have stumbled upon one picture that did seem to get my blood pumping. It's not perfect, but better than most attempts at looking shocked.
One of the things in public humiliation that tends to get to them in fantasy or reality is the reaction of women (or men). While many may fantasize about playful interaction, in most cases a reaction from afar is the most they can hope for. These might range from a double take to some playful whispers to a friend to outright disgust. Overall I think that most of these reactions can't be faked... or at least not well.
Having been humiliated in public before, I've found that things like a natural surprise, shock, smirk, or giggle just don't seem to represent well in a staged setting. With this in mind, I can imagine it would be hard for someone who really enjoys public humiliation to be able to get off to humiliation porn. Most pictures attempting to display shock or surprise end up coming off completely fake and unnatural.
I'm not a huge fan of being humiliated publicly but I have stumbled upon one picture that did seem to get my blood pumping. It's not perfect, but better than most attempts at looking shocked.
Femdom Dream Scenario - Legalized Male Slavery
I had some recurring dreams that popped up quite a bit back when I was reading a lot of fetish fiction. I wrote a bit about depersonalization in my last post and it reminded me of these dreams. While not all of them had all factors in common, I will try to recount as much detail as possible.
The scenario is a country where it is legal to own male slaves. All men are considered lower class to women but some of them retain some form of autonomy, although their behaviors and actions are severely limited and they could easily lose their independent status. In a few of the dreams all men were slaves.
Men who become slaves are processed by the state. They are stripped of their names and given a number in its place. Their bodies are permanently depilated leaving only the eyebrows and eyelashes (eyebrows help show fear). They are tattooed with bar codes and their serial numbers in several spots on their bodies, and in a few dreams they are graded by quality (intelligence, physical appearance, etc.) which is also tattooed onto their body. Each slave is implanted with a tracking chip and fitted with a chastity device.
Slaves are required to wear uniforms in a color that is dictated as the "slave color." Slaves are distributed both for private ownership (either through a waiting list or auction) and those unclaimed by individuals are owned by the state. In most of the dreams the uniforms for privately owned slaves and state slaves are different in style but they share the common color.
Slaves are prohibited from speaking and state-owned slaves wear a gag 24-7. A woman may do anything she wants to a state slave or her own slave without repercussions. Any slaves allowed out in public are required to be fitted with some form of restraint system and must have their faces covered.
I can go more in depth if anyone wants to know more but I'm thinking shorter posts might be easier to read.
This scenario is a bit sci-fi, but those were some crazy dreams.
The scenario is a country where it is legal to own male slaves. All men are considered lower class to women but some of them retain some form of autonomy, although their behaviors and actions are severely limited and they could easily lose their independent status. In a few of the dreams all men were slaves.
Men who become slaves are processed by the state. They are stripped of their names and given a number in its place. Their bodies are permanently depilated leaving only the eyebrows and eyelashes (eyebrows help show fear). They are tattooed with bar codes and their serial numbers in several spots on their bodies, and in a few dreams they are graded by quality (intelligence, physical appearance, etc.) which is also tattooed onto their body. Each slave is implanted with a tracking chip and fitted with a chastity device.
Slaves are required to wear uniforms in a color that is dictated as the "slave color." Slaves are distributed both for private ownership (either through a waiting list or auction) and those unclaimed by individuals are owned by the state. In most of the dreams the uniforms for privately owned slaves and state slaves are different in style but they share the common color.
Slaves are prohibited from speaking and state-owned slaves wear a gag 24-7. A woman may do anything she wants to a state slave or her own slave without repercussions. Any slaves allowed out in public are required to be fitted with some form of restraint system and must have their faces covered.
I can go more in depth if anyone wants to know more but I'm thinking shorter posts might be easier to read.
This scenario is a bit sci-fi, but those were some crazy dreams.
Depersonalization
Depersonalization in BDSM (not to be confused with the psychological disorder) is an interesting fetish.
I've honestly never met a Domme that really enjoyed this with any subs she cared about. That doesn't seem to stop many men from fantasizing about. I'm guessing there are women out there who would rather enjoy a stable of depersonalized slaves serving their every whim, but chances are this too is probably relegated more to the fantasy realm.
What is it about depersonalization that makes it an object of fantasy?
From a sub's standpoint I can see it as a rather extreme form of submission where you are treated with indifference, often as a nameless, faceless servant or slave that can expect no pleasure from his Mistress. Denial of pleasure is often that great, deep, "I don't understand this" fetish fantasy. That's not to say that it doesn't turn me on a bit, but I still don't really get it since I know I wouldn't enjoy it if it were to happen for longer than a few days. For some reason, there's a bit of a charge for many male subs at the thought of being 100% expendable and replaceable.
From a Domme's standpoint I can see a few potential appeals. Having a nameless, faceless sub to be tortured at any level of intensity guilt-free, alleviates some of the mental burden of wanting to perform acts of significant cruelty that she is unwilling to perform on a sub she cares about. The fantasy of having a hoard of nameless, faceless subs that exist only to serve her can give an elevation to almost Goddess-like status.
So how often does this actually happen? From my experiences, not often, but it can be used as a role-play scenario during a play session to a mild degree of success. I can't say I've met anyone with a 24-7 D/s relationship who practices this regularly.
Any thoughts?
I've honestly never met a Domme that really enjoyed this with any subs she cared about. That doesn't seem to stop many men from fantasizing about. I'm guessing there are women out there who would rather enjoy a stable of depersonalized slaves serving their every whim, but chances are this too is probably relegated more to the fantasy realm.
What is it about depersonalization that makes it an object of fantasy?
From a sub's standpoint I can see it as a rather extreme form of submission where you are treated with indifference, often as a nameless, faceless servant or slave that can expect no pleasure from his Mistress. Denial of pleasure is often that great, deep, "I don't understand this" fetish fantasy. That's not to say that it doesn't turn me on a bit, but I still don't really get it since I know I wouldn't enjoy it if it were to happen for longer than a few days. For some reason, there's a bit of a charge for many male subs at the thought of being 100% expendable and replaceable.
From a Domme's standpoint I can see a few potential appeals. Having a nameless, faceless sub to be tortured at any level of intensity guilt-free, alleviates some of the mental burden of wanting to perform acts of significant cruelty that she is unwilling to perform on a sub she cares about. The fantasy of having a hoard of nameless, faceless subs that exist only to serve her can give an elevation to almost Goddess-like status.
So how often does this actually happen? From my experiences, not often, but it can be used as a role-play scenario during a play session to a mild degree of success. I can't say I've met anyone with a 24-7 D/s relationship who practices this regularly.
Any thoughts?
Loss of Sentimental Value
It's been a while since I last wrote. I've had a lot to process emotionally and had a lot of other things on my mind lately.
Something that has come to mind lately is how I have changed over the years in terms of objects that have held sentimental value to me. When I was younger I used to treasure everything and save everything. Things that brought about good memories, things that reminded me of friends, family, etc. I would save it all and it hurt me to part with it.
I'm not sure when exactly, but I think it was about ten years ago when things started to change for me, but I now save things habitually but then when I stumble across them while cleaning I end up throwing them out without a second thought. I don't know why, but I think it has a lot to do with losing so many loved ones over the years and also being betrayed by those whom I had loved and trusted.
I'm not sure if I've just never healed from the sad experiences I have had over the years but it's possible I have just gotten very good at moving on. I really can't say whether or not this is a good thing, but it seems the loss of sentimental value gives me a bit of an empty feeling inside and reminds me of a time when I was willing to put all of my eggs in one basket knowing they would eventually be broken.
Something that has come to mind lately is how I have changed over the years in terms of objects that have held sentimental value to me. When I was younger I used to treasure everything and save everything. Things that brought about good memories, things that reminded me of friends, family, etc. I would save it all and it hurt me to part with it.
I'm not sure when exactly, but I think it was about ten years ago when things started to change for me, but I now save things habitually but then when I stumble across them while cleaning I end up throwing them out without a second thought. I don't know why, but I think it has a lot to do with losing so many loved ones over the years and also being betrayed by those whom I had loved and trusted.
I'm not sure if I've just never healed from the sad experiences I have had over the years but it's possible I have just gotten very good at moving on. I really can't say whether or not this is a good thing, but it seems the loss of sentimental value gives me a bit of an empty feeling inside and reminds me of a time when I was willing to put all of my eggs in one basket knowing they would eventually be broken.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Subs on Loan
Lady Grey asked about my thoughts on subs being swapped or loaned out to another Dominant with the Domme's approval, so here it goes...
In the past I've thought a bit about being loaned out or exchanged temporarily to serve another woman. I think some of it falls into "typical male fantasy" area, under the fantasy pretense that the woman he is loaned to will be stunningly beautiful and absolutely perfect in the way she dominates. Basically, it's pretty common in a grass is greener sense.
Getting that fantasy out of the way and looking at it from reality, there's a few different ways of looking at it.
Scenarios a Domme might use:
-Sending her sub to an uber-strict Domme so that he can learn appreciation for his own Mistress.
-Sending her sub to a D/s situation that isn't sexual in the slightest.
-Sending her very loyal sub to a Domme in order to press his loyalty to its limits.
-Sending her very loyal sub to a Domme that is an overt tease in an effort to give a conflict between his heart and his genitals.
-Sending her sub to a Domme for specific training that she doesn't wish to partake in.
-Sending her sub to a much less strict Domme as sort of a vacation.
-Temporarily trading him for another sub.
As I am making this list I'm starting to see some of the reasons for instigating this.
1. Wanting the sub to be treated more harshly than she wishes to treat him. Make him dread the thought of serving a different woman and focus on improving his behavior.
2. Wanting the sub to undergo mental distress at serving someone else (while knowing if he does poorly she will be upset).
3. Wanting the sub to learn full appreciation for his current situation. Shatter the typical male fantasy with cold, harsh reality.
4. For her own amusement.
5. To show off her sub to another woman friend. Let him display his best behavior.
6. Rewarding him with a more casual form of servitude for the quality of his service.
7. Making him jealous knowing that another sub is serving his Mistress.
From a Domme's perspective, I would be very wary if he was gung ho about serving another woman (if even only for a few hours). This seems to raise questions about loyalty and he might be wishing things were closer to his perfect fantasy.
That being said, I would say it will probably only benefit the both of you if he hates the idea of it and knows the prospects of it will not be enjoyable.
From a sub's perspective, I think a change might be exhilarating, but a sub that truly wishes to serve another woman (even on loan) is probably looking for another Mistress or is seeking a particular level of depersonalization or abuse. In the former case that is a bad sign, in the latter case that might be understandable but uncommon.
Personally, I've enjoyed the idea of serving a group of women with my Mistress there or being "tag teamed" by her and another woman, but rarely have I wished to serve another woman unless I really wanted to be with someone else.
Any thoughts?
In the past I've thought a bit about being loaned out or exchanged temporarily to serve another woman. I think some of it falls into "typical male fantasy" area, under the fantasy pretense that the woman he is loaned to will be stunningly beautiful and absolutely perfect in the way she dominates. Basically, it's pretty common in a grass is greener sense.
Getting that fantasy out of the way and looking at it from reality, there's a few different ways of looking at it.
Scenarios a Domme might use:
-Sending her sub to an uber-strict Domme so that he can learn appreciation for his own Mistress.
-Sending her sub to a D/s situation that isn't sexual in the slightest.
-Sending her very loyal sub to a Domme in order to press his loyalty to its limits.
-Sending her very loyal sub to a Domme that is an overt tease in an effort to give a conflict between his heart and his genitals.
-Sending her sub to a Domme for specific training that she doesn't wish to partake in.
-Sending her sub to a much less strict Domme as sort of a vacation.
-Temporarily trading him for another sub.
As I am making this list I'm starting to see some of the reasons for instigating this.
1. Wanting the sub to be treated more harshly than she wishes to treat him. Make him dread the thought of serving a different woman and focus on improving his behavior.
2. Wanting the sub to undergo mental distress at serving someone else (while knowing if he does poorly she will be upset).
3. Wanting the sub to learn full appreciation for his current situation. Shatter the typical male fantasy with cold, harsh reality.
4. For her own amusement.
5. To show off her sub to another woman friend. Let him display his best behavior.
6. Rewarding him with a more casual form of servitude for the quality of his service.
7. Making him jealous knowing that another sub is serving his Mistress.
From a Domme's perspective, I would be very wary if he was gung ho about serving another woman (if even only for a few hours). This seems to raise questions about loyalty and he might be wishing things were closer to his perfect fantasy.
That being said, I would say it will probably only benefit the both of you if he hates the idea of it and knows the prospects of it will not be enjoyable.
From a sub's perspective, I think a change might be exhilarating, but a sub that truly wishes to serve another woman (even on loan) is probably looking for another Mistress or is seeking a particular level of depersonalization or abuse. In the former case that is a bad sign, in the latter case that might be understandable but uncommon.
Personally, I've enjoyed the idea of serving a group of women with my Mistress there or being "tag teamed" by her and another woman, but rarely have I wished to serve another woman unless I really wanted to be with someone else.
Any thoughts?
Extreme Behavior Modification - The KTB
First off, I am going to start this post off with the statement that these things scare the living crap out of me and I wouldn't ever want to wear one. The concept is, however, an interesting one.
For those unfamiliar with the KTB, the name is short for "Kali's Tooth Bracelet" or "Kali's Teeth Bracelet." The KTB is a simple chastity device that involves a metal ring that is locked around the penis, but the inside of the ring is covered in spikes (ranging from short and dull to long and quite sharp).
The idea is that the ring will be fitted around the penis when it is flaccid. The fit is snug but not tight. If the wearer attempts to remove the ring the skin will bunch up and get pinched by the teeth (possibly causing bleeding depending upon the fit and types of spikes). If the wearer attempts to get an erection, the penis will press against the spikes and cause extreme pain and the penis will immediately return to a flaccid state.
Pretty simple. If you are a guy and reading this you are probably crossing your legs by now. If you are a woman and reading this I have absolutely no clue what kind of reaction you are having to this but I would guess it's probably at some extreme end of "Sweet!" or "HELL NO!" I can say that I read somewhere before that these were out of production for several years due to too many injuries happening.
What strikes me as interesting about something that I would have no desire to partake in is that this is really a different kind of chastity device and it really provides some insight that there are really very different types of Mistresses out there.
You probably already know that the traditional male chastity devices work by holding the penis at an angle or curve and restricting the amount of enlargement that is possible in order to prevent an erection. By encasing the penis it also prevents any form of pleasurable touching. However, it does allow for the penis to TRY to get erect against its confines, leaving the sub in a state of incredible sexual frustration. In most cases, this frustration is the enjoyable part of chastity, heightened awareness of hornyness building to an explosive volcanic orgasm upon release.
This is the key difference of the KTB. Instead of feeding the fires of sexual frustration, it provides a severe negative consequence for even attempting an erection. Rather than preventing orgasms, it conditions in a factor of self-control: the sub shouldn't even try to get hard without permission. I actually think the end result is kind of neat. If you had enough self-control to respond to verbal commands regarding whether or not you have an erection. Aside from Buddhist Monks known for exerting incredible levels of body control, wouldn't subs trained with a KTB pull in a close second?
I would never actually want to wear one of these but I would find it something to be prideful of if you could simply go erect or flaccid whenever ordered to.
Any thoughts?
For those unfamiliar with the KTB, the name is short for "Kali's Tooth Bracelet" or "Kali's Teeth Bracelet." The KTB is a simple chastity device that involves a metal ring that is locked around the penis, but the inside of the ring is covered in spikes (ranging from short and dull to long and quite sharp).
The idea is that the ring will be fitted around the penis when it is flaccid. The fit is snug but not tight. If the wearer attempts to remove the ring the skin will bunch up and get pinched by the teeth (possibly causing bleeding depending upon the fit and types of spikes). If the wearer attempts to get an erection, the penis will press against the spikes and cause extreme pain and the penis will immediately return to a flaccid state.
Pretty simple. If you are a guy and reading this you are probably crossing your legs by now. If you are a woman and reading this I have absolutely no clue what kind of reaction you are having to this but I would guess it's probably at some extreme end of "Sweet!" or "HELL NO!" I can say that I read somewhere before that these were out of production for several years due to too many injuries happening.
What strikes me as interesting about something that I would have no desire to partake in is that this is really a different kind of chastity device and it really provides some insight that there are really very different types of Mistresses out there.
You probably already know that the traditional male chastity devices work by holding the penis at an angle or curve and restricting the amount of enlargement that is possible in order to prevent an erection. By encasing the penis it also prevents any form of pleasurable touching. However, it does allow for the penis to TRY to get erect against its confines, leaving the sub in a state of incredible sexual frustration. In most cases, this frustration is the enjoyable part of chastity, heightened awareness of hornyness building to an explosive volcanic orgasm upon release.
This is the key difference of the KTB. Instead of feeding the fires of sexual frustration, it provides a severe negative consequence for even attempting an erection. Rather than preventing orgasms, it conditions in a factor of self-control: the sub shouldn't even try to get hard without permission. I actually think the end result is kind of neat. If you had enough self-control to respond to verbal commands regarding whether or not you have an erection. Aside from Buddhist Monks known for exerting incredible levels of body control, wouldn't subs trained with a KTB pull in a close second?
I would never actually want to wear one of these but I would find it something to be prideful of if you could simply go erect or flaccid whenever ordered to.
Any thoughts?
The Aftermath
Well, Tuesday evening we talked things through. She told me she was prepared to end things. I said that I wasn't willing to give up but things had to improve... quite a bit.
When I got ripped into earlier in the day I got a bit defensive and said some things that were my true feelings but in a way that was meant to be a somewhat hurtful reality check. I regret doing that but it seemed to get the gears turning. She did some research on severe PMS symptoms and came up with this:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pmdd/an01372
Basically, she exudes heavily nearly every symptom of premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) that starts about 4 days before her period and lasts until the day she has her period, where they completely vanish. From our talk she had told me that this is how she had always been during PMS times and she never gave the severe impulses much thought until now. This was a bit odd, considering that those impulses were often along the lines of killing someone, killing herself, wanting to beat the shit out of people (not in a BDSM way), binge eating, saying and doing hurtful things with the knowledge that they were hurtful, etc.
I'm a bit weirded out by this, but it makes sense. At the same time, I'm not sure just how much things will change since it's mostly based upon her wanting to change or not and get treatment for PMDD, and so on. I still feel a bit like I'm sitting on a bomb but at the same time this does indicate progress considering it's the first time my referencing PMS wasn't met with an immediate "fuck you" and some physical attack.
Tuesday ended well. Wednesday was decently good but ended early with her departure for work.
Today was, well... not as bad as Tuesday morning but things dropped off a bit. She slept for 7 hours this morning until afternoon (~7:40am-2:40pm), then slept from ~4:00pm until ~7:30pm, then was almost dozing off from ~9:10-9:35pm. She had to leave for work at 9:40pm and so I turned on the bright light in the room at 9:37 since she still had to get ready for work and this was the only way I felt was sure to get her up. This was met with a scowl, some angry words, and I felt emotionally distanced from when she got up until she left for work. Would I have been better off letting her be late for work or did I make the right choice and the outcome still sucks?
I'm not trying to over-react or be overly dramatic or anything with this, but it made my heart sink a bit. I'll keep trying to work through things.
When I got ripped into earlier in the day I got a bit defensive and said some things that were my true feelings but in a way that was meant to be a somewhat hurtful reality check. I regret doing that but it seemed to get the gears turning. She did some research on severe PMS symptoms and came up with this:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pmdd/an01372
Basically, she exudes heavily nearly every symptom of premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) that starts about 4 days before her period and lasts until the day she has her period, where they completely vanish. From our talk she had told me that this is how she had always been during PMS times and she never gave the severe impulses much thought until now. This was a bit odd, considering that those impulses were often along the lines of killing someone, killing herself, wanting to beat the shit out of people (not in a BDSM way), binge eating, saying and doing hurtful things with the knowledge that they were hurtful, etc.
I'm a bit weirded out by this, but it makes sense. At the same time, I'm not sure just how much things will change since it's mostly based upon her wanting to change or not and get treatment for PMDD, and so on. I still feel a bit like I'm sitting on a bomb but at the same time this does indicate progress considering it's the first time my referencing PMS wasn't met with an immediate "fuck you" and some physical attack.
Tuesday ended well. Wednesday was decently good but ended early with her departure for work.
Today was, well... not as bad as Tuesday morning but things dropped off a bit. She slept for 7 hours this morning until afternoon (~7:40am-2:40pm), then slept from ~4:00pm until ~7:30pm, then was almost dozing off from ~9:10-9:35pm. She had to leave for work at 9:40pm and so I turned on the bright light in the room at 9:37 since she still had to get ready for work and this was the only way I felt was sure to get her up. This was met with a scowl, some angry words, and I felt emotionally distanced from when she got up until she left for work. Would I have been better off letting her be late for work or did I make the right choice and the outcome still sucks?
I'm not trying to over-react or be overly dramatic or anything with this, but it made my heart sink a bit. I'll keep trying to work through things.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Hitting the Fan
Well, I started this blog about a month ago after a pretty major PMS-fueled fight I had with my Domme/Girlfriend. There were a lot of things I needed to get off my chest and sort through both in my head and heart. Basically, this was a forum for me to gather my thoughts and reaffirm my beliefs as a human, man, and submissive. Over the past 6+ months she has been working 3rd shift 4+ nights a week and I'm a night owl that doesn't do well when having all the time in the world alone to stew in my thoughts and I ended up turning here.
We've been together nearly four years. Communication got tough after the first year or so, but we managed to keep the wheels on although things almost derailed several times over that span even with things being fairly dysfunctional. I have a way of adapting to whatever lifestyle I'm living and finding ways to outlet my time and emotions. Over the past couple of years, the D/s nature of our lifestyle has deteriorated quite a bit and it's gotten to the point where we have maybe a month of "on" time during the summer and 1-2 weeks during the holidays for us to connect on that level. During the rest of the year we seem to average one evening of "on" time every 4-6 weeks and a couple of hours here and there over that span. Basically, we're sort of a vanilla couple with kinky play every so often but we entered into the relationship through the BDSM scene.
After the first 6 months we began to fight here and there, which is fairly normal for any relationship. As time passed, that got to be a bit more common and revolving around common themes. I found it very difficult to help steer the relationship down the correct path when any input for changes I could give was reacted to in a negative way. At this point, I seemed to just kind of adapt and just "exist" in the relationship outside of the "on" times that we had. Starting about 2 years ago the fights got more and more frequent and more and more extreme. Disarming someone when they've gone into defensive mode is really tough to do and usually it was more a matter of waiting for her to not be mad anymore than it was to change things to avoid those same pitfalls. Last year I started noticing trends in the fights. They got more and more frequent... and pretty much we were having a major argument once a month.
For 3-4 days a month her behavior would go completely irrational and paranoid and she would fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. After about 4 months of this I started noticing that we would fight horribly for a few days then she would get her period and things would be comfortable again. I started marking the calendar at this point and noticed that, like clockwork, the fights would happen 3-4 days before her period was due. Keep in mind I'm not some asshole guy who wants to blame all the flaws in women on their period. I'm a very sensitive guy and I was searching for answers as to why I was on the receiving end of some heavy emotional abuse that was happening fairly regularly.
In our relationship we both use the internet quite a bit. We have an agreement to do whatever we want on there as long as it's nothing we "shouldn't" be doing. About 18 months ago I got into an online situation I shouldn't have and she found it by digging through my browser history, emails, and chat logs (which also happened to be during a PMS time). I know that I did something that was wrong and I shouldn't have. She knows she violated my privacy by going through my computer and promised she wouldn't do that again. I also promised not to do anything questionable.
She regularly chats with Dommes, Doms, and subs and receives 30+ emails a day via adult networking sites. Not once have I ever doubted her although I was honest with her that it hurt my feelings when she started looking at male subs for doggie-style sex and strap-on play. I'm unable to get it up for doggie style (I can only get hard when I'm on bottom, being a top in doggie style just doesn't turn me on) and anal was on my list of hard limits when we first got together. I offered a compromise of getting some kind of extension or male strap on for doggie style and I rescinded my hard limit, allowing her to violate me.
This morning I awoke to a kick in the leg and accusations of "cheating" online with another woman. I had only been asleep around 3 hours (I got to bed too late) and was very groggy. This was a bit frustrating but I managed to assure her that there was nothing weird going on. As I got ready to check my email I found my history was open and she had visited every blog and fetish-oriented site in my history and left it open so I would know she had done it. This made me fairly angry and it led to another argument. Oddly enough, but I checked the date and it's been 26 days since her last period.
Right now I'm not quite certain where I stand emotionally on things. She wasn't angry that I had a blog and she saw from some of my posts just how unhappy and unfulfilled I've been. She also knows that I can't talk to her about those things because it just leads to more arguments and hurt feelings when I try to be honest about how I'm feeling with her. Her feelings were hurt that I didn't share it with her. I figured that if she couldn't have a conversation about it in person without blowing up that it probably wouldn't go over very well by reading it either.
I don't really know how I feel. I feel like my trust has been betrayed a bit. It would be easy to say something here like "a sub shouldn't need privacy," but the reality of it is that our relationship is Femdom for around 50 total days a year and vanilla for around 315 days a year. That's not to say that I don't do a lot of things for her. Even though we don't live together, I cook about 80% of the meals, do most of the shopping, and babysit her son 20+ hours a week. I don't complain when she has a night off and chooses to go out for drinks with co-workers rather than spending time with me and/or her son. I don't complain when we go 70+ days without intimacy.
I just don't know if I can bear hanging onto this when I get attacked on a monthly basis to the point where I want to curl up and just cry. I don't know if it's worth it anymore.
The mix of sadness, distrust, and frustration are keeping me from having a clear head.
We've been together nearly four years. Communication got tough after the first year or so, but we managed to keep the wheels on although things almost derailed several times over that span even with things being fairly dysfunctional. I have a way of adapting to whatever lifestyle I'm living and finding ways to outlet my time and emotions. Over the past couple of years, the D/s nature of our lifestyle has deteriorated quite a bit and it's gotten to the point where we have maybe a month of "on" time during the summer and 1-2 weeks during the holidays for us to connect on that level. During the rest of the year we seem to average one evening of "on" time every 4-6 weeks and a couple of hours here and there over that span. Basically, we're sort of a vanilla couple with kinky play every so often but we entered into the relationship through the BDSM scene.
After the first 6 months we began to fight here and there, which is fairly normal for any relationship. As time passed, that got to be a bit more common and revolving around common themes. I found it very difficult to help steer the relationship down the correct path when any input for changes I could give was reacted to in a negative way. At this point, I seemed to just kind of adapt and just "exist" in the relationship outside of the "on" times that we had. Starting about 2 years ago the fights got more and more frequent and more and more extreme. Disarming someone when they've gone into defensive mode is really tough to do and usually it was more a matter of waiting for her to not be mad anymore than it was to change things to avoid those same pitfalls. Last year I started noticing trends in the fights. They got more and more frequent... and pretty much we were having a major argument once a month.
For 3-4 days a month her behavior would go completely irrational and paranoid and she would fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. After about 4 months of this I started noticing that we would fight horribly for a few days then she would get her period and things would be comfortable again. I started marking the calendar at this point and noticed that, like clockwork, the fights would happen 3-4 days before her period was due. Keep in mind I'm not some asshole guy who wants to blame all the flaws in women on their period. I'm a very sensitive guy and I was searching for answers as to why I was on the receiving end of some heavy emotional abuse that was happening fairly regularly.
In our relationship we both use the internet quite a bit. We have an agreement to do whatever we want on there as long as it's nothing we "shouldn't" be doing. About 18 months ago I got into an online situation I shouldn't have and she found it by digging through my browser history, emails, and chat logs (which also happened to be during a PMS time). I know that I did something that was wrong and I shouldn't have. She knows she violated my privacy by going through my computer and promised she wouldn't do that again. I also promised not to do anything questionable.
She regularly chats with Dommes, Doms, and subs and receives 30+ emails a day via adult networking sites. Not once have I ever doubted her although I was honest with her that it hurt my feelings when she started looking at male subs for doggie-style sex and strap-on play. I'm unable to get it up for doggie style (I can only get hard when I'm on bottom, being a top in doggie style just doesn't turn me on) and anal was on my list of hard limits when we first got together. I offered a compromise of getting some kind of extension or male strap on for doggie style and I rescinded my hard limit, allowing her to violate me.
This morning I awoke to a kick in the leg and accusations of "cheating" online with another woman. I had only been asleep around 3 hours (I got to bed too late) and was very groggy. This was a bit frustrating but I managed to assure her that there was nothing weird going on. As I got ready to check my email I found my history was open and she had visited every blog and fetish-oriented site in my history and left it open so I would know she had done it. This made me fairly angry and it led to another argument. Oddly enough, but I checked the date and it's been 26 days since her last period.
Right now I'm not quite certain where I stand emotionally on things. She wasn't angry that I had a blog and she saw from some of my posts just how unhappy and unfulfilled I've been. She also knows that I can't talk to her about those things because it just leads to more arguments and hurt feelings when I try to be honest about how I'm feeling with her. Her feelings were hurt that I didn't share it with her. I figured that if she couldn't have a conversation about it in person without blowing up that it probably wouldn't go over very well by reading it either.
I don't really know how I feel. I feel like my trust has been betrayed a bit. It would be easy to say something here like "a sub shouldn't need privacy," but the reality of it is that our relationship is Femdom for around 50 total days a year and vanilla for around 315 days a year. That's not to say that I don't do a lot of things for her. Even though we don't live together, I cook about 80% of the meals, do most of the shopping, and babysit her son 20+ hours a week. I don't complain when she has a night off and chooses to go out for drinks with co-workers rather than spending time with me and/or her son. I don't complain when we go 70+ days without intimacy.
I just don't know if I can bear hanging onto this when I get attacked on a monthly basis to the point where I want to curl up and just cry. I don't know if it's worth it anymore.
The mix of sadness, distrust, and frustration are keeping me from having a clear head.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
In Need of Ideas
I seem to have lost a bit of intensity in my writing lately. I think this may be a good thing since it means there aren't a lot of pressing thoughts or feelings that I need to think through but at the same time I feel a bit at a loss when I sit down to write.
If anyone has any ideas for new posts or would like me to elaborate on something I talked about in a previous post please let me know. Otherwise I will probably take a bit of a break from writing blog entries and will probably stick to reading blogs and making some comments here and there until my muse returns.
If anyone has any ideas for new posts or would like me to elaborate on something I talked about in a previous post please let me know. Otherwise I will probably take a bit of a break from writing blog entries and will probably stick to reading blogs and making some comments here and there until my muse returns.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Tactile Pleasure and Discomfort
I know many Dommes out there would describe themselves as sensualists. Something that I have experienced over the years is the use tactile pleasure and discomfort on a fairly regular basis. On the pleasure side it's often been used as part of my humiliation, tease & denial, or even as a reward. On the discomfort side it's been more... hrm... pure suffering?
Materials that come to mind that I think feel really good:
-Fur (big shock here)
-Silk
-Cashmere
Materials that I don't think feel quite as good but are interesting nonetheless:
-Chenille
-Angora
-Shearling
-Certain soft Leathers (kidskin, lambskin, calfskin, etc.)
It puzzles me a bit that most of these materials only exist in women's clothing, but that's something I wrote about back in March. What makes sense is that many of the Dommes I have met seem to harbor a lot of preference towards materials that feel good on the skin. In play, when attempting to tease me, these similar materials have been used to evoke a positive result.
They make items for women like fur bra liners/nipple warmers and plenty of pleasing undergarments. I'm curious if any Dommes out there have ever used pleasurable materials in clothing as a reward for their sub or to keep their sub in a state of arousal?
e.g. undershirts or underwear of a particular material or having some of a pleasurable material attached inside their undergarments over the nipples or genitals with hemming tape, etc.
On the flip-side of this are materials that are rough and irritating to the skin. Certain wools and felts can be quite scratchy and rough but going even farther, what about materials like burlap and sand paper? I've experienced some of these as some rather torturous play before but it's never gone beyond that. I have read of cases of Dommes gluing/taping/stitching some of the unpleasant materials over the nipples inside of undershirts so that their subs would have constantly aroused and raw, tender nipples but these cases have been few and far between.
I can only imagine spending a day at work with burlap squares constantly rubbing my nipples and/or genitals. That would be quite unpleasant. I also have seen certain sissy maid outfits that are made out of stiff, rough, and scratchy materials to be used as punishment (these will usually lock on).
I'm curious if anyone else out there has integrated these types of things into every-day use or if they think that either of these cases would be a good idea?
Materials that come to mind that I think feel really good:
-Fur (big shock here)
-Silk
-Cashmere
Materials that I don't think feel quite as good but are interesting nonetheless:
-Chenille
-Angora
-Shearling
-Certain soft Leathers (kidskin, lambskin, calfskin, etc.)
It puzzles me a bit that most of these materials only exist in women's clothing, but that's something I wrote about back in March. What makes sense is that many of the Dommes I have met seem to harbor a lot of preference towards materials that feel good on the skin. In play, when attempting to tease me, these similar materials have been used to evoke a positive result.
They make items for women like fur bra liners/nipple warmers and plenty of pleasing undergarments. I'm curious if any Dommes out there have ever used pleasurable materials in clothing as a reward for their sub or to keep their sub in a state of arousal?
e.g. undershirts or underwear of a particular material or having some of a pleasurable material attached inside their undergarments over the nipples or genitals with hemming tape, etc.
On the flip-side of this are materials that are rough and irritating to the skin. Certain wools and felts can be quite scratchy and rough but going even farther, what about materials like burlap and sand paper? I've experienced some of these as some rather torturous play before but it's never gone beyond that. I have read of cases of Dommes gluing/taping/stitching some of the unpleasant materials over the nipples inside of undershirts so that their subs would have constantly aroused and raw, tender nipples but these cases have been few and far between.
I can only imagine spending a day at work with burlap squares constantly rubbing my nipples and/or genitals. That would be quite unpleasant. I also have seen certain sissy maid outfits that are made out of stiff, rough, and scratchy materials to be used as punishment (these will usually lock on).
I'm curious if anyone else out there has integrated these types of things into every-day use or if they think that either of these cases would be a good idea?
Revisiting Fetish and Obsession
Many male subs out there get a bit obsessed about their fetishes. I have done some writing before on how fetishes develop, etc. but something I hadn't really thought about is whether obsessions happen because of fetishes, or do fetishes happen because of obsession?
I'm guessing this is basically a chicken or the egg debate that has no real answer, but it makes me curious anyways. My previous post on fetishes is located here http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2010/03/fetishism-in-men-and-women.html
I've never been a big fan of the clinical definition of fetish as I think it tends to lump things together that are quite different. Generally the psychological community is trained to think that fetishes are a sexual attraction to a non-sexual body part or object. While this describes many types of fetishes that are in fact out there, it tends to either eliminate or include things that fall into the gray area in between. In the clinical approach, a high heeled shoe fetish means a guy who wants to have sex with or jerk off into a high-heeled shoe. What about the guy who doesn't want to have sex with a shoe but gets an almost uncontrollable sexual urge when that shoe is being worn by a woman?
I guess it is all just semantics but I figured I should cover my definition of fetish before getting too deep into this. For the hell of it I did a dictionary search for fetish and found an entry that is a lot closer to my working definition.
Here is what was written there:
Fetish - an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression.
I like this definition a lot better.
My own definition: An object, body part, or event that is not part of generally accepted sexual activities that elicits a sexual response greater to or equal than generally accepted sexual activities.
e.g. Something other than breasts, legs, genitalia, sexual intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, etc. that gets you off just as hard or harder than those things.
I realize my definition probably blurs the lines between "strong turn on" and fetish, but if you have ever visited a true fetish site, men have this eerie way of turning a strong turn on into a fetish over a few short years.
I do agree with the dictionary definition of obsession and will work with that definition:
Obsession - a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.
Strictly from a definition standpoint it might seem that obsession and fetish are almost the same thing (all fetishes are obsessions, not all obsessions are fetishes) but my experiences with most men that are involved on fetish sites I have come to view them a bit differently. Having a fetish is one thing... being unable to talk about anything but that fetish is an obsession.
I realize I am dealing with only a small sub-set of the population with this but at the same time I am also writing with only that small sub-set in mind and writing to a slightly larger sub-set of the population. As I've been writing this I think I have come to an answer to my initial question:
Strong turn on and repeated fantasizing/masturbation to that turn on leads to a fetish. Continued fantasizing/masturbation to that fetish leads to an obsession.
I've seen/heard/read many Dommes complain about the one-track minds of many male subs out there, especially when it comes to obsessions over fetishes. The easiest example is probably something that exists but is commonly looked at with an "ew, gross" attitude even in a community full of fetishes... so... how about scat fetish.
I have known several Dommes that used to get contacted heavily by a few subs with a scat fetish even though they had scat play clearly listed in their lists of things they wouldn't do and had no interest in. On occasion they would speak with the sub and in most cases he would jump right into a fantasy cyber session trying to get her to play along with taking a shit on his chest. While sometimes they were able to find them interesting as a person, before long it usually gravitated towards the same experience.
While I feel a bit for the subs out there that let themselves get pulled too deep into obsession at the same time I sometimes think they need a good smack to the head. If you find yourself falling into this trap make sure you can get control of your obsession to the extent that it doesn't cause you to be alone forever. The alternative is to only seek out those Dommes that directly share your fetish and obsession.
Is there anything useful that can be learned from this?
To the subs out there, chill out when you approach a Domme. Be a human first before you bring up your fetish (better yet, wait for her to ask). Coming off as being obsessed can be rather off-putting and make you seem like you have a one-track mind and would make neither a good submissive nor lover.
To the Dommes out there, if in his first contact with you he immediately starts bombarding you with his obvious fetishes... actually, I probably don't have to say anything here except maybe that taking pity on him will only encourage him.
I'm guessing this is basically a chicken or the egg debate that has no real answer, but it makes me curious anyways. My previous post on fetishes is located here http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2010/03/fetishism-in-men-and-women.html
I've never been a big fan of the clinical definition of fetish as I think it tends to lump things together that are quite different. Generally the psychological community is trained to think that fetishes are a sexual attraction to a non-sexual body part or object. While this describes many types of fetishes that are in fact out there, it tends to either eliminate or include things that fall into the gray area in between. In the clinical approach, a high heeled shoe fetish means a guy who wants to have sex with or jerk off into a high-heeled shoe. What about the guy who doesn't want to have sex with a shoe but gets an almost uncontrollable sexual urge when that shoe is being worn by a woman?
I guess it is all just semantics but I figured I should cover my definition of fetish before getting too deep into this. For the hell of it I did a dictionary search for fetish and found an entry that is a lot closer to my working definition.
Here is what was written there:
Fetish - an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression.
I like this definition a lot better.
My own definition: An object, body part, or event that is not part of generally accepted sexual activities that elicits a sexual response greater to or equal than generally accepted sexual activities.
e.g. Something other than breasts, legs, genitalia, sexual intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, etc. that gets you off just as hard or harder than those things.
I realize my definition probably blurs the lines between "strong turn on" and fetish, but if you have ever visited a true fetish site, men have this eerie way of turning a strong turn on into a fetish over a few short years.
I do agree with the dictionary definition of obsession and will work with that definition:
Obsession - a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.
Strictly from a definition standpoint it might seem that obsession and fetish are almost the same thing (all fetishes are obsessions, not all obsessions are fetishes) but my experiences with most men that are involved on fetish sites I have come to view them a bit differently. Having a fetish is one thing... being unable to talk about anything but that fetish is an obsession.
I realize I am dealing with only a small sub-set of the population with this but at the same time I am also writing with only that small sub-set in mind and writing to a slightly larger sub-set of the population. As I've been writing this I think I have come to an answer to my initial question:
Strong turn on and repeated fantasizing/masturbation to that turn on leads to a fetish. Continued fantasizing/masturbation to that fetish leads to an obsession.
I've seen/heard/read many Dommes complain about the one-track minds of many male subs out there, especially when it comes to obsessions over fetishes. The easiest example is probably something that exists but is commonly looked at with an "ew, gross" attitude even in a community full of fetishes... so... how about scat fetish.
I have known several Dommes that used to get contacted heavily by a few subs with a scat fetish even though they had scat play clearly listed in their lists of things they wouldn't do and had no interest in. On occasion they would speak with the sub and in most cases he would jump right into a fantasy cyber session trying to get her to play along with taking a shit on his chest. While sometimes they were able to find them interesting as a person, before long it usually gravitated towards the same experience.
While I feel a bit for the subs out there that let themselves get pulled too deep into obsession at the same time I sometimes think they need a good smack to the head. If you find yourself falling into this trap make sure you can get control of your obsession to the extent that it doesn't cause you to be alone forever. The alternative is to only seek out those Dommes that directly share your fetish and obsession.
Is there anything useful that can be learned from this?
To the subs out there, chill out when you approach a Domme. Be a human first before you bring up your fetish (better yet, wait for her to ask). Coming off as being obsessed can be rather off-putting and make you seem like you have a one-track mind and would make neither a good submissive nor lover.
To the Dommes out there, if in his first contact with you he immediately starts bombarding you with his obvious fetishes... actually, I probably don't have to say anything here except maybe that taking pity on him will only encourage him.
Rules for a Fur sissy
It's been a while since I posted any of the lists I was ordered to come up with several years ago. In the spirit of my last post, I figured this might work as a follow-up.
I wasn't able to dig up actual lists of many of them but one that I remember was a set of rules for fur in sissy apparel in forced feminization. Mistress (who also had a fur fetish) has a great deal of fun making me write this one since she knew I would have to go against everything that I enjoyed in order to please her (by stripping away things that I enjoyed).
For more details on what these lists entailed, my original post on them is here:
http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2010/03/list-making.html
I've tried my best to recreate that list here:
-A sissy should obtain no pleasure from wearing fur. Fur should never contact their skin in a pleasurable way nor should it feel luxurious in any way. Fur for sissies should only be used as an adornment, accenting the frills of the ensemble in a manner that contributes towards their humiliation. Pleasure from fur is a privilege reserved only for women.
-A sissy's fur should never exceed the caliber of his Mistresses'. A sissy's fur should display the status difference between himself and his Mistress and his fur should always be of noticeably diminished quality in comparison to her's.
-A sissy should never depend on fur for warmth. Basic layering techniques should be employed first with fur being used as a finishing touch to complete the ensemble as instructed by the Mistress.
-A sissy's fur should be well-kept and immaculate at all times. Soiled furs will not be tolerated and failure to maintain this requirement will be severely punished.
-A sissy's furs should not be fashionable or chic by the standards of contemporary women's fashions. Sissy furs should emphasize extreme femininity and girlishness.
-A sissy in fur should be locked in chastity to avoid any potential temptation for unsupervised, non-permitted masturbation.
-A sissy should be grateful for the privilege of wearing fur. Improper attitudes will be immediately adjusted by the will of the Mistress.
Mistress had me kneel in front of her while naked and read her the list. She was somewhat pleased with my list, especially since she knew coming up with a few of these rules stripped away any form of pleasure I could have received from the way she would dress me.
She did add a few additions since she didn't feel like the list was complete enough.
-A sissy's fur should never be able to pass as masculine or unisex in its style and color.
-A sissy should get excited about wearing fur and display the appropriate attitude towards his Mistress.
-A sissy should dread the thought of wearing fur since it will always be an unpleasant experience.
Those last two can pretty much sum up the type of personality she had.
After she made the additions she picked out clothes for me to wear, handcuffed my hands behind my back, and took me over her knee where I had to recite the rules back to her from memory while she spanked me until I cried.
I wasn't able to dig up actual lists of many of them but one that I remember was a set of rules for fur in sissy apparel in forced feminization. Mistress (who also had a fur fetish) has a great deal of fun making me write this one since she knew I would have to go against everything that I enjoyed in order to please her (by stripping away things that I enjoyed).
For more details on what these lists entailed, my original post on them is here:
http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2010/03/list-making.html
I've tried my best to recreate that list here:
-A sissy should obtain no pleasure from wearing fur. Fur should never contact their skin in a pleasurable way nor should it feel luxurious in any way. Fur for sissies should only be used as an adornment, accenting the frills of the ensemble in a manner that contributes towards their humiliation. Pleasure from fur is a privilege reserved only for women.
-A sissy's fur should never exceed the caliber of his Mistresses'. A sissy's fur should display the status difference between himself and his Mistress and his fur should always be of noticeably diminished quality in comparison to her's.
-A sissy should never depend on fur for warmth. Basic layering techniques should be employed first with fur being used as a finishing touch to complete the ensemble as instructed by the Mistress.
-A sissy's fur should be well-kept and immaculate at all times. Soiled furs will not be tolerated and failure to maintain this requirement will be severely punished.
-A sissy's furs should not be fashionable or chic by the standards of contemporary women's fashions. Sissy furs should emphasize extreme femininity and girlishness.
-A sissy in fur should be locked in chastity to avoid any potential temptation for unsupervised, non-permitted masturbation.
-A sissy should be grateful for the privilege of wearing fur. Improper attitudes will be immediately adjusted by the will of the Mistress.
Mistress had me kneel in front of her while naked and read her the list. She was somewhat pleased with my list, especially since she knew coming up with a few of these rules stripped away any form of pleasure I could have received from the way she would dress me.
She did add a few additions since she didn't feel like the list was complete enough.
-A sissy's fur should never be able to pass as masculine or unisex in its style and color.
-A sissy should get excited about wearing fur and display the appropriate attitude towards his Mistress.
-A sissy should dread the thought of wearing fur since it will always be an unpleasant experience.
Those last two can pretty much sum up the type of personality she had.
After she made the additions she picked out clothes for me to wear, handcuffed my hands behind my back, and took me over her knee where I had to recite the rules back to her from memory while she spanked me until I cried.
Conflicted about the weather
Now that the weather has basically made a turn-for-the-better it has me both happy and sad at the same time.
I'll admit I'm a whiner. I hate it when it's cold but I hate it when it's hot and muggy. Unfortunately where I live it's really cold in the winter and really hot in the summer, a far cry from my ideal of 35 when cold and 75 when warm. Something that I've noticed when traveling to more mild (or even warmer climates) is that women tend to grow accustomed to the weather and bundle up when it drops below 50 in those areas almost to the same extent that women do here when it's 10, so I don't really miss out on my fetish for women in fur.
I think the biggest downer for me about this time of year is that it will be months before my Mistress and I can go shopping for the fur and leather outerwear she enjoys wearing so much. I know she misses it as well in addition to shopping for things that will be used to humiliate me.
Yes, I'm a whiner, but my heart longs for cooler weather.
I'll admit I'm a whiner. I hate it when it's cold but I hate it when it's hot and muggy. Unfortunately where I live it's really cold in the winter and really hot in the summer, a far cry from my ideal of 35 when cold and 75 when warm. Something that I've noticed when traveling to more mild (or even warmer climates) is that women tend to grow accustomed to the weather and bundle up when it drops below 50 in those areas almost to the same extent that women do here when it's 10, so I don't really miss out on my fetish for women in fur.
I think the biggest downer for me about this time of year is that it will be months before my Mistress and I can go shopping for the fur and leather outerwear she enjoys wearing so much. I know she misses it as well in addition to shopping for things that will be used to humiliate me.
Yes, I'm a whiner, but my heart longs for cooler weather.
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