So how does it work for Her? Part 2

This is a direct follow up to my last post, Ideals, Enjoyment, and Female Pleasure in D/s

While writing the section "So how does it work for Her?" I tried to get at the root of a newer or reluctant Domme and how difficult it is to make D/s scenarios enjoyable for her both in an emotional and sexual sense.  In my last post I think I did okay at covering the emotional side but I feel like I didn't get to the sexual side.  For long-term happiness in a D/s relationship, the male will take sexual pleasure in submission so it's only natural that the Domme should take sexual pleasure in Dominance.

I talked a bit about this in my post Wanting to be "normal" but mainly covered it from the submissive side of things.  The same principles hold true for a Domme and shedding the idea that D/s interaction is sexually deviant is the biggest hurdle to overcome.  I say this with great reluctance but in all honesty, in a relationship where the male has introduced D/s to his wife or significant other, if she is unwilling or unable to overcome the thought that being Dominant is bad, perverse, or deviant, they are probably better off splitting up and letting her remain "normal" and letting him pursue his submissive desires.  He won't be truly happy without it but she is foregoing lots of potential happiness if she gives up without giving it a fair chance.


There is a phrase that is often used to describe the feelings needed for a Domme to truly experience the D/s dynamic sexually and that is:  "Drunk with Power."

While this phrase usually holds some negative connotations as it implies an abusive display of power performed solely to fulfill selfish personal wishes, the submissive male desires these actions from his Domme.  This doesn't mean that she should hurt or maim him without regard for his well-being, but more that he wants her to think and act selfishly and force him to follow-suit.  This is the sign of a devoted man.  In many women's deepest fantasies, this is actually the type of man they want.  While there are those out there that dream of having the take charge alpha male type, most women that have self-confidence and self-esteem would find much greater happiness if they called the shots.

How to avoid guilt


In my last post I mentioned that punishment alleviates guilt for a submissive male.  This is easy.  The difficulty lies in removing guilt from a woman being fully Dominant.  We have been taught and raised to be kind, to share and think of others, and to nurture those we care about.  So how can someone be selfishly drunk with power and still uphold those ideals that allow her to think of herself as a good person?

The easy way  to think about it is: this is what he wants.  If he needs to feel submissive to be happy, then meeting his submission with Dominance is kind and the key to his happiness.  Each time you toss him an unfair and unjust situation that makes him struggle and agitates him at the pending outcome you are thinking of him and his needs and showing your love for him.  Each time you punish him in a way that makes a repeat mistake less likely, you are nurturing him and helping build his submissive self-esteem.  Men are just larger versions of boys.  The same rules and principles of a mother disciplining her son apply to a Domme disciplining her sub.  A firm, guiding hand brings him closer to the man he wants to be, which is the man that meets your needs.

Basically, you don't need to feel guilt because you are actually doing exactly what he needs to be happy, no matter how painful or unpleasant it might seem.

Beyond guilt

Moving beyond guilt brings us back to drunk with power.  I'm sure most women out there have tons of stories from their past where this situation occurred at some point. 

-An annoying little brother that you would tease and torment to get him to leave you alone or you would manipulate to make him do things for you.  Did you ever wonder why those torments usually brought him back for more unless they were very unpleasant and even then he would be bugging you again tomorrow?.

-A boy with an unrequited crush on you that would bother you with his uncomfortable advances.  When you wanted him to go away you would be overtly cruel and hurt his feelings.  When you needed something you would use him and use his crush to get what you wanted.  Did you ever wonder why he never gave up?

-Do you remember the first time you flirted to get your way?  Teasing some store clerk into giving a discount or a waiter into giving you a free drink.  When you did that you made his day.


-Did you ever play with dolls and make Ken do Barbie's bidding, basically being her slave?  This may have been your first Femdom experience.

Each of these scenarios may have been exhilarating in the moment but may have lead to guilt later on.  The guilt aspect is because aside from the dolls, none of the male participants had agreed to a D/s dynamic.  Since a submissive male HAS agreed to those terms, you can focus on the pleasurable aspects of those situations.

Those examples display sexual power.  Women using feminine charms to torment a man.  While the boy with the crush may have annoyed you, he probably also made you feel attractive and powerful deep down.  The little brother may have bugged you but each time you fucked with him it probably made you feel smart, capable, and strong.  If you played with your dolls in that way it may have manifested your deepest desires even if they weren't consistent with the ways you were taught to act towards others.

In the previous section I showed how being selfish is actually consistent with how to treat a submissive male.  It is the way you were taught to act towards others but at the same time it allows you to explore your inner-most desires.

If you could envision how you would play with dolls now with your perfect man being the Ken doll and you being the Barbie doll, how would they interact if you were to picture your ideal relationship?

I'm willing to wager that Ken is attentive and affectionate, giving compliments and being helpful, attending to your every need and making you feel like a Queen.  In the bedroom he desires to interact sexually in exactly the way you want it without regard for his own pleasure.  He makes you feel loved, beautiful, smart, sexy, strong, and confident.  You reign over him, drunk with power and everything feels fine.


This is reality.  Your submissive male is your own personal Ken doll and you are his Barbie.  When you get home from work do you have neck tension from driving in rush hour and do your feet hurt from the shoes you wore each day?  Would a neck rub and a foot massage make you feel better?  Would it probably turn you on if it was done well?  Good.

When you're horny does the thought of him going down on you and making your orgasm 20 times with his tongue seem like a good time?  If you worry about being too tired to reciprocate afterward, don't worry, the submissive male needs no reciprocation.  You can roll over and go to sleep, leaving him aching for release.  You can tell him to go masturbate in the shower.  You can keep going with sexual play and let him release.  The choice is yours.

Has he ever under-performed in bed?  Not enough endurance, too fast/rushed/sloppy, he doesn't hit your g-spot, he is too small, or just unfulfilling?  Has this ever left you in a situation where you are glad you had the physical intimacy but at the same time you wished he could have done better?  If so, decide the way you want to interact sexually.  Teach him to be a better lover that is more attentive to your needs.  If he sucks in bed, tell him that and train him to perform better (possibly removing sex entirely if he can't do it well).  Will this hurt him?  No, it will only damage his male ego.  His submissive self will be proud when he has learned to best please you, regardless of his own pleasure.

Think back to the times where you were fucking with a boy and got a good laugh with your friends thinking "I can't believe I got him to do that."  (Ignore any guilt you might have felt afterward.)  How did it feel?  Did it excite you and get you charged up?  Did you feel naughty and wicked but in a good way?  Did it make you feel powerful and clever?  Were you drunk with power?

This is probably the hardest thing to really unleash in a woman.  The "it's okay to feel good about teasing a boy and feeling naughty and wicked."  If you can take pleasure in being drunk with power you are almost there.  This is not a bad thing.  If you reach this he will love you forever.

The next stage is growing to understand and use the mind fuck.  I have written a bit about this in the past and it pretty much sums up Lady Grey's ideas about "keeping things interesting."  The more mental, emotional, and physical agitation you can instill within him, the more submissive and aroused he will become and the more he will love you.  Think of him as a boy you are teasing knowing the more you tease him and the more hoops you can make him jump through, the more he will love you and the more powerful you will feel.  If this turns you on that is a good thing.

A few ideas on spicing things up:

Ask him to wear a pair of your panties to work (this is a common practice even amongst D/s relationships that don't practice feminization).  If he protests tell him it isn't optional.  Approach him and get close and gauge his reaction (grab his penis if you want to).  Tell him if he doesn't it will displease you and there will be consequences.  If you are "feeling it" in the moment you can even rattle off a consequence or two.  If he is hard, you are making him happy.  Wearing panties will make him think about you all day.  The bigger question is, are you feeling anything inside while you are doing this?

Remove his speaking privileges for a couple of hours one evening.  Make it clear that he should only speak when asked a question or given permission to speak.  Try and bait him into talking.  Tell him to fetch you a drink.  When he brings one, tell him it is the wrong beverage.  He will probably ask you what kind of drink you want.  Answer him and when he returns with the drink have him drop his pants, grab his penis, and give him 10 hard whacks on a bare bottom with your hand, a hairbrush, a leather-soled slipper, or whatever you might choose and tell him to stand or kneel in the corner with his pants down for 5 minutes for speaking without permission.  Find a reason to walk-by him and you'll see he probably has an erection.  If it happens again give him 20 the next time. This is going to excite him and make him love you.  Does it do anything for you?

Have him pleasure you in the bedroom to your heart's content.  When you are satisfied play with his penis (or order him to play with it) until he is about to cum and then stop.  Tell him you are proud of him but that he hasn't earned an orgasm yet.  Get a grip on his balls and gauge their size (you can gently squeeze or tug on them if you want).  Tell him that you know how full he is and you'll be inspecting him in the morning to make sure he hasn't cheated.  In the morning have him pleasure you again.  When you are satisfied grab his balls again and make sure they are the same size or larger than they were the night before.  If you are feeling great love for him, let him cum and take some pleasure in the volume and force behind his load.  Yes, it was you that was responsible for his huge ejaculation.   On the off-chance that he cheated and masturbated while you were sleeping you'll probably have to beat the shit out of him.

These are just some ideas to help set the dynamic and gain some pleasure/appreciation for the Dominant role.   Hopfully you can find some pleasure in being able to do whatever you want, get whatever you want, and have a man that loves you more the more you ask of him.  

Any feedback?

Ideals, Enjoyment, and Female Pleasure in D/s

Lately I've read quite a few blog entries covering the topic of subs who have wives they have introduced to the D/s dynamic and the progress (or lack thereof) that has come about in the lifestyle.

While leaving some comments on Lady Grey's blog posting Rules, Responsibility and the Kink it got me thinking about this subject more in depth. 

Something that doesn't sit very well with me when these types of topics come up and I think it's due to a mix of factors that tend to contradict one another.  Subs will have a tendency to speak out that their wife isn't dominant enough but when someone refers to the dominance or submission that occurs in their lifestyle as being inadequate, the rabidly defend their position that it is everything they'd hoped for but always follow it up with a "you can't expect a fantasy lifestyle of in your WLM."  Basically, I think this is a bit bogus.  I don't mean to attack anyone who is in said position, but honestly, it either:
a) is enough to keep you happy in the long run.
b) is not enough to keep you happy in the long run.

Everyone seems to hope for c) it is enough because she refuses to dominate me further and if I press it too hard she'll divorce me so I've convinced myself this is the end-all-be-all of lifestyles or I couldn't be happy.

I wrote a post of a similar type a while ago titled Thoughts on Vanilla to D/s Conversion Techniques.
While this isn't really a technique, it's more of a thought process to try and "bridge the gap" between fantasy and reality that might help some people in this kind of situation.  This post will hopefully give some insight to subs, potential subs, fledgling Dommes, and reluctant Dommes.

Analyzing The Great Myth
There is a great myth in sub-land known as "I do it because it makes her happy and her life easier."  This is a great ideal and I'm sure it makes up a fraction of why a sub actually submits and performs activities/actions he wouldn't want to do in a standard vanilla relationship.  State this in front of your wife's friends and then beam in pride as they say they wish they had a man like you.  While it is a non-kinky way to introduce the D/s dynamic to a vanilla S/O, the key phrase here is "it makes up a fraction of why."

The natural follow-up is, what is the rest of it?

Digging into the psyche of the submissive male, things get a bit strange.  While "to make her life easier" flows so well in logic and in the heart and makes a D/s lifestyle desirable and natural, if it didn't arouse us, we wouldn't do it unless we felt like it.  Unfortunately "to make her life easier" and "to make her happy" aren't the primary driving factors of submissive male arousal (although Dommes would find their searches much easier if they truly were).

Introduce rules, chores, and routines into the mix and your logic might wish to believe it's "because we're supposed to do it."  This becomes a game of principles.  "Any man that loves his wife should do this," "it's the right thing to do," and "it's the way it should be," come to mind.  State these reasons in front of your wife's friends and beam in pride as they say they wish they had a man like you.  It is a bit more D/s than the previous reasons, but it's still not quite that way.  This is where many subs who have reluctant wives get stuck.  They do it because they're supposed to and because of the other two reasons above.  Again, this is great in principle and makes up a fraction of the reasons for D/s, but then why do they still imply a desire for more?

This brings us to the next step and at this point you will find the source of arousal for a submissive male.  "I do it because if I don't do it or don't do it well, there will be unpleasant consequences."  It is really the "do it or else" consequences that gets off the male sub.  No one wants to state outright that this is what turns them on because it makes them feel selfish and abnormally kinky/deviant.  However, the truth of it is that it gets them off when she steps up in an authoritarian way and exerts the inequality of their D/s relationship that really gets his blood pumping.

An example breakdown:
1.  I clean the bathroom because it makes her life easier and she's happier when I do it for her than when she has to do it.  (~20% of the reason)
2.  I clean the bathroom because a husband who loves his wife should make sacrifices for her.  (~20% of the reason)
3.  I clean the bathroom thoroughly because if I don't clean the bathroom to her expectations I'll get a painful over-the-knee spanking, some time-out corner time, and I won't get to orgasm for a week.  (~60%+ of the reason and ~90% of the arousal)
 
NOTE: I have met a few of the rare type that make up 0.02% of submissive men, these being the types that actually have a fetish for no-strings house-cleaning and similar activities.  They get off on doing something that isn't enjoyable and to be thanklessly brushed off by whomever they are providing service for.  This truly is a rare type, but they do exist.  What I can say for sure is that if you have ever said something like "it's all for her happiness" and within 5 minutes also said "it's enough because the other stuff is just kinky fantasy," you aren't one of these types.  Those types would never say it's enough for them because in most cases it turns them on that no one cares if it is enough for them or not. 

What this Means for Dommes
Observationally speaking, the above breakdown may make sense but there is still a gap that needs to be bridged and that is "what useful application of this knowledge is there to be had?"

Newer and reluctant Dommes tend to be a bit afraid of going too far in dominance.  They are often scared of hurting their sub emotionally and physically in a bad way and scared that if they unleash a significant amount of cruelty that he will want to leave.   Intensity tends to grow together in both dominance and submission.  I have referred to this in the past as "progressive escalation."  This is completely natural as when something becomes ordinary, the boundaries must be pressed in order to achieve the same level of intensity in the future.  In cases where a sub introduced the D/s lifestyle to his wife, he has usually been fantasizing for a loooooong time before she even thought about it, so there is a naturally catching up that needs to be done.  If he was as new to the fantasy as she was, this learning curve wouldn't seem so steep but in most cases he is several years into the mindset while she is just beginning.  The stumbling blocks tend to happen as she is in the process of catching up to where he is.

While it might be hard for a Domme to inflict cruelty on someone she loves, it is the cruelty that he truly craves.  The threat of punishment and consequences... the fear of her potential wrath at displeasure... the knowledge that she controls his pleasure and pain... these are the things he craves and deep down, truly needs.

I can see how this would be a strange concept to embrace for a newer or reluctant Domme, but it's the truth.  He wants to face your wrath if you're displeased.  He wants to be denied pleasure if he failed to please you.  He wants to give up control and has resigned himself to following your lead.  If you want him to truly love you, be selfish and let the dominance flow.  The more difficult you make things the more he will be yours.

Lady Grey took this one giant leap further in her last entry, an excerpt I've quoted here:
"A written rule like "Clean the toilet every day" becomes quite a different thing when I tie my husband's hands together and attach them to his cock and balls with a two foot rope and then tell him to clean the toilet."

This is a perfect example of tossing a curve-ball to a sub and keeping the mundane interesting and arousing.  Chances are he would be fighting a hard-on the entire time at both the situation you set out for him, the additional struggles he has to bear for no apparent reason, and the panic knowing that he must perform as well as when his hands are free to please you.

So how does it work for Her?

All of this might be fine and dandy so far in understanding his needs but there's still a problem with "doing it" for her.  Unless she's naturally dominant, there's no reason yet for any of these things to get her off.  I propose a certain way of thinking about it.

Simplify things by getting to the root of her emotional spectrum:
My submission is a symbol of my love for you.
My obedience is a symbol of my respect for you.
My focus on your priorities is a symbol of my devotion to you.
My acceptance of your will is a symbol of my trust in you.
I want everything to be perfect for you so that you will be happy.  I know I will stumble and I hope you will help me be your perfect man.  This process won't be easy.
I hope your hand will guide me.  I accept any pleasure or pain you feel I deserve.

By submitting to you he is giving you his all.  This is the most he can give of himself and he chose you as the person he wants to give it to.  Know that he submits out of strength rather than out of weakness.  Yes, it turns him on to do so, but there's worse things that could turn him on.  Let him display his love, devotion, obedience, respect, and trust for you in actions and cherish his submission.  Know that he will thrive under adversity if you place that upon him.  It will keep him focused, aroused, and happy.  He needs your love and appreciation but he does not crave kindness in return.

He wants you to control his orgasms.  When he cums he will do so with pride.  When he is denied it will make him try harder to please you.  He has given you this control out of love and trust.  He only wants to have pleasure when you have been pleased.

He wants you to punish him when he has failed to please you.  A submissive mind carries loads of guilt.  Punishment frees him of this guilt and he will love you for it (even if he hates the actual punishment).  Punishment will also make him try harder the next time.  He accepts this punishment so that he can make you happy.  

He wants you to hold him to impossibly high standards.  If you expect only the best from him it shows him that you think highly of him and he feels like he is capable of being the best.  Cherish that you have a man who wants to be the best to make you happy.

He wants you to fuck with him.  While it might seem wantonly cruel on the outside, he will accept your cruelty with happiness because this means you love him enough as a submissive to provide situations that keep him focused and aroused.  Take this as a sign of his devotion and he will be happy if his struggles entertain you.

I could go on an on but basically, accept these things as a symbol of his love and try to flow with it to love him back.  Know that by being cruel you are delivering pleasure and try to take some pleasure in that knowledge.  If you haven't found a way to make it turn you on, please, keep searching.

Looking back over this post... it seems like I derailed a bit but I hope it went somewhere that someone might find useful or interesting.

Health Concerns in a D/s Dynamic

In my last request for topic ideas Lady Grey responded with an interesting topic suggestion.  Part of her comment has been posted below:

"The subject is, more or less, the health questions that arise when a sub is expected to follow orders. The two problems that come to mind are:
1. "Lick the bottoms of my shoes clean!" Does that really make any sense, assuming the shoes have left the house and have stepped who-knows-where?
2. "Lick my ass! Make sure your tongue goes deeply in and out as you fuck me with it." Even if the Mistress cleans herself well before issuing such an order, is it hygienically fair to have your sub obey you?"

Oddly enough, this topic is something I have thought about quite a bit over the years and it was especially active in my thoughts when I was first entering the lifestyle.  Upon my first Mistress's request to come up with a list of hard limits for the relationship several of them were related to personal health and hygiene. 

In my initial list of hard limits I had several stipulations regarding cleanliness and hygiene.  I can't recall exactly what I wrote at that time but they included:
-Must have access to regular bathing and other personal hygiene such as brushing teeth and flossing.

-Nothing involving scat.

In addition to the two Lady Grey listed above, a few other scenarios I have seen that come to mind are:
-Diaper training or punishment (forcing someone to urinate and defecate in a diaper and continuing to wear it).
-Anal tampons (sometimes used for a "virtual period").
-Long-term chastity and thorough cleaning of the penis (especially for those who aren't circumcised).
-Long-term chastity and orgasm denial (in relation to regular expulsion of the prostate to avoid toxin build up).

A safe, sane, and consensual me says a sub shouldn't agree to be in a situation that could lead to serious health risks and issues.  If that means rejecting a certain activity on the grounds of health risk, so be it.  If that means choosing only to serve women who will keep things healthy and sanitary, so be it.

A realistic, deep sub-space and low will-power me will follow orders as commanded (especially if the threat of punishment is involved) and it's up to the Mistress to determine which acts are healthy and sanitary and which ones are not as well as whether or not she will subject her sub to said acts.

I guess my feelings are that a sub that is completely immersed in sub-space cannot make decisions for himself that are the best for his own well-being and I believe it's up to the Domme to decide what she will subject him to.  The advice I've given to newer Dommes in regards to these things are:  treat him like a favorite toy.  You play with him often and you can play rough, but you are always careful not to break him.

Overall, if the Domme doesn't respect health concerns I do not think she should be angry if the sub declines on those grounds.   She does have a reason to punish him and he should willingly accept the punishment for disobedience.  On the other hand, if she doesn't respect health concerns and he ends up getting very sick or having permanent damage, she should feel guilty and responsible (while he should also feel responsible but not guilty).  The best Dommes always account for the well-being of their subs.

Open to Suggestions...

As usual, I'm guessing the themes of my posts seem to be all over the map.  I do this a bit intentionally since I don't want to get into the habit of pigeonholing myself into one theme so I try to exert some balance, mixing my Femdom philosophy, personal thoughts, experiences, and more sissy/humiliation-oriented material.

Is there any type of post the readers would like to see more or less of?

I'm open to suggestions as I tend to just sort of write whatever flows out of me but if there's things that people like or dislike I'm willing to keep those requests in mind for future posts.

Erections: Self-Control vs. Prevention

Something that I've thought about a lot over the years is the idea of erection control.  I posted a bit about this with my KTB post, but I figured I'd revisit the subject. 

It's very common for a Domme to exert orgasm control over her sub.  Taking it a step further becomes erection control.  But what about another step further? 

Controlling an erection via chastity device vs. erection control via self-control by the sub.  I'll be the first to admit that my submission is closely connected to my sexuality, so I'm not sure I would enjoy a lifestyle without having it turn me on or at least the attempt at being turned on (if chastity was in play).  However, in my ideal submissive mindset being able to control my erections enough to only get hard on command is a lofty dream that I doubt I would ever be capable of controlling. 

I've read case studies of yoga practicing monks in Tibet who are able to exert such control over their bodies that they can perform amazing physical acts like raising their external body temperatures to 120 degrees F, slowing their heart rates to the range of 2-5 beats per minute for 10+ minutes, averaging 1-2 breaths per minute for 10+ minutes, and the like.  I can only liken a virile sub who is able to remain flaccid under any amount of teasing and upon her command, immediately spring to life to fall amongst those feats. 

I'm sure a Domme would be incredibly proud to have a sub she trained willing and able to follow erection commands to that extent.  At the same time, I have to wonder if that would be a bit boring for her.  I guess it depends a bit on her disposition, whether she enjoys watching him struggle to obey or have him be perfect every time. 

At some point during one of my single periods I had debated as to whether or not having this kind of control would have made me a more attractive sub or not, but it was never something I really worked on nor was it valued very heavily in the greater scheme of things.  Most of my Mistresses would have preferred to have me writhe away in excruciating sexual frustration than be self-disciplined enough to keep my penis in full control at all times.

Any thoughts?

A second peek

I got a fairly positive response to my last set of pictures, so I figured I'd post a couple more.  If anyone thinks these are almost the same as the last ones, they may very well be but these are actually different items than I took pictures of before. 

If you have read some of my earlier posts you will probably have found references to being forced to dress while serving or dressed for humiliation during punishment, as well as conditioned by only being allowed orgasms while dressed.  These are some more complete outfits that I dug out to show some examples of what those were like.

Serving Outfits

The white outfit would usually have a white mini-skirt.  Both outfits would have some form of coordinating stockings or tights and boots similar to those pictured in the first peek into my world.  These types of outfits were pretty standard.  In the summer, the A/C would be cranked to an appropriate temperature.  In the winter, the window was often cracked whenever Mistress would want to wear her fur.

The winters here get quite cold here and these weren't quite warm enough for outdoor use, so...

Outdoor Ski Bunny/Whore Humiliation Outfit Modification

It's not like the addition of a flimsy fur vest could do much against against the cold, but I knew better than to complain.  It was considered a privilege, along with other items like gloves and underwear.  Vests ended up being rather common as I am of a fairly muscular build and women's coats/jackets don't fit well or allow for a decent range of motion (e.g. for the hands cuffed behind the back). 

As shown in peek #1, on occasion contrasting colors are tossed by the wayside to go with a single color theme.

Virgin White

Sissy Pink

Sissy Fashion - The Bonnet

Well, in the past I have written posts on muffs and earmuffs, so now I'm visiting another long-standing symbol of femininity, the bonnet.

There was a time when many hats were termed bonnets, but eventually it came to reflect a certain style.  Bonnets were commonly worn year-round, providing warmth in winter but during most times, it served the function of keeping hair tidy at all times and free from wind and dust when outdoors.  These mostly stem from the pre-indoor plumbing amongst the masses eras of society and if you are in any first world nation, you likely have at least semi-regular access to a shower and hair brush.

This would then place the bonnet into the category of a dated and needlessly feminine item, likely to draw stares and a great deal of humiliation if a sissy was forced to wear one in public. If it ties at the chin a bonnet can also add a second level of security for sensory deprivation, holding earplugs (or the like) in place. 

The sinking feeling of "Yes"

Something has puzzled me a lot over the years.

When pleasure or privileges are denied to me or withheld from me it tends to push me into a deeper subspace.  In turn, that deep subspace arouses me, grants my soul peace, and increases my focus and attention on her (this makes me feel like I am being a good sub).   

For simplicity's sake I will use an orgasm as an example, but this pertains to more situations than just sexual activity.

-When I am teased and denied my submission tends to grow along with my sexual frustration. 
-As my submission increases, my arousal increases, causing my sexual frustration to increase at a greater rate.  -When sexual frustration reaches a high level I become agitated and desperate.
-In a desperate state further denial greatly increases my submission.
-Eventually everything spirals down to where I feel completely and totally owned.
-Feeling totally owned increases my arousal level pushing me to deeper and deeper levels of submission, love, and devotion.

Usually during play, it is well after I have reached this state when I am granted permission to orgasm.  But... after hours (or days) of whimpering and begging, when she says "you can cum now," all of a sudden it feels so wrong to do so.  It feels so wrong to want that.  It feels like I just "pulled a fast one" on her and tricked her into getting my way (even though that wasn't the case).  Even if I have "earned it," I'm stuck so deep in subspace that it just doesn't feel right emotionally to cum, especially when I know that my subspace will crash down around it.

It doesn't make a lot of sense to me and it makes me feel a bit crazy.  Taking pleasure in being denied pleasure and feeling bad when granted pleasure just seems very oxymoronic to me.

This might be getting to choose your favorite meal or restaurant (instead of her's), being given a night off from normal chores/duties, being given a special treat/gift that means she will miss out on something she will enjoy, etc.

Can anyone relate to this or am I just crazy?

Handcuffs

Handcuffs... they might seem a bit crude, a bit simple, and they lack some of the allure of some of the longer-term leather wrist restraints, but aside from a kick to the groin, they are one of the few things that can render a sub helpless within seconds.

In movies and television you'll often see ways of escaping from handcuffs.  Someone will pick the lock with a paper clip or a ball point pen or pull some acrobatic maneuver where they jump and swing their hands down under their feet so that their hands that were once behind them, are now in front of them.  These generally illustrate handcuffs that were improperly applied.  

Fun Facts about Handcuffs (and my non-factual thoughts about them):

-Professional grade handcuffs are double-locking.  That is, once they have been locked into place, a secondary locking mechanism can/should be applied to prevent the cuffs from further tightening.  This also makes picking the lock more difficult since the key must be turned all the way in one direction to release the double lock, and then turned all the way in the other direction to release the primary lock. 

If they are double locked, it's unlikely that an individual could pick 1, let alone both of the cuff locks without the attempt being detected.

-Professional grade handcuffs usually have 2 welded links connecting the cuffs.  While you can get handcuffs with more than 2 links (most novelty cuffs have 3 links), the standard issue handcuffs have only 2.  High security cuffs are often hinged, limiting movement to 2 directions.

With a 2 link or a hinged style, the ability to try to pick the lock or perform acrobatics is severely limited.

-The highest security method of applying handcuffs is to handcuff the individual with the palms facing outward and the keyholes facing towards the elbows.  This method limits arm movement and makes it easier for someone other than the wearer to unlock the cuffs.

Keeping the 2-link or hinged style in mind and with this method of application, very few people could actually reach the keyhole while being handcuffed.  It's not impossible, but they're either very flexible or have extremely long fingers.  Being handcuffed in this way throws off your balance a bit and leaves you completely defenseless.

-Prolonged struggling against metal handcuffs can lead to nerve damage.

Most metal handcuffs are better suited for short-term play than long-term wear.

I'm not sure why but I find it extremely exhilarating to be locked in handcuffs.  It's not always for a reason that I find enjoyable, but it's not often that you feel that vulnerable, helpless, and defenseless.  The audible click, the touch of the cold metal around your wrists, her hand grasping the back of your neck shoving you face first down onto the bed.  It's a bit scary and intimidating but at the same time I'm then able to resign myself to the ride.

A Question to the Dominant Women out there

I'm a bit curious as to how you react when you are around other submissive men.

If you were at a D/s-friendly function or gathering and there were submissive men serving the Dominants in attendance, how would you react towards them? 

-Formally?  Like a waiter or butler.
-Indifferently?  The fact that they are submissive wouldn't matter.
-Aggressively?  Submissive men are meant to be toyed with.
-Scornfully?  If they aren't your sub, no need to give them any respect.
-Other?  Something completely different or a mix of some of the above?

Would your thoughts be dominant even if your actions weren't?
Would it depend on whether or not they were claimed or not and if they were claimed, if you had the consent of their Domme?

Any and all input would be greatly appreciated.

Fur Fetish

As I wrote in my pseudo-biography, this whole thing started with a fetish for women in fur.  A fur fetish really isn't uncommon, it can be documented for a long time, especially with its roots tied to masochism with Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's novel, Venus in Furs.

It often appears that it's common for men to have a fur fetish than women (women might love it, but it's not of a "fetish" nature).  So what about those who would classify themselves as having a "strong affinity"?

For me, it's always been the fashionable aspects of it that drew me in.  I'm not a huge fan of the big shapeless 1980's power furs... I'm thinking more along the lines of more shapely items (sometimes belted/cinched) as well as a trim or accessory.  I have a strong affinity (borderline fetish) for women wearing many things.  I might be a bit cliche in these, but a woman in leather gloves, leather pants, sexy boots, hats, etc. all turn me on big time.  My fetish is a bit different than what might be generally termed as a fetish.  I love women in sexy boots (and have fantasized them a lot over the years) but I would never say, masturbate into a pair of sexy boots. 

I guess why I'm curious is that I've tracked down the majority of the blogs I follow and comment on via the interests selected in my profile (or other sites linked by blogs that shared common interests).  What shocks me is that I'm the lone user with "fur fetish" listed as an interest.  Why? 

All of my Mistresses have had a fur fetish.  Theirs was for wearing fur, they found the touch irresistible and loved its comfort.  It worked out nicely for my fetish for women in fur.

I'm not a fan of the cold but if something like the coat below could pass for anything remotely male I probably wouldn't mind it as much.  Anyone?

On a side note, part of the twisting of my fetishes that I have spoken of is that when I am ordered to wear something that is fur, little if any of it actually comes into contact with my skin (it's usually just an adornment).

Does anyone else have any favorite clothing items they find completely irresistible while worn by a woman?  Or if you are a woman, are there any favorite items that make you feel completely sexy or dominant?

Doing What You Love vs. Doing What You Hate

The comments left on my cruelty fantasy analysis got me thinking about a few things in general... one of which was the contrast of doing what you love and doing what you hate when it comes to Femdom relationships.

Love and Hate for a male sub
Doing what you love is the reason that you entered into this lifestyle in the first place.  When you love it, you do it well, with complete fervor and dedication.  It brings enjoyment and you relish in the experience, craving future experiences that bring about similar feelings.

Doing what you hate is a bit more complicated with many subs.  Any sub that gets turned on by humiliation probably has a bit of duality here.  They have what they hate/hate and they have what the love/hate.

With a love/hate situation, the action is unpleasant but it brings about desired feelings and outcomes.  You may hate queening but love that it gets your Mistress off hard.  You may hate being humiliated in public but love the arousal of the experience.

With a hate/hate situation things are truly unpleasant.  Persevering through hate/hate scenarios does little to bring the sub pleasure but it serves the ulterior purpose of increasing submission and devotion.

What this means to Dommes
Anything a sub loves can be treated as a privilege, even if it's a mutual pleasure. 

Anything that a sub has a love/hate relationship with can be polarized and used against him.  By polarize, I mean to find a way to force it to be treated as a situation he loves or one that he truly hates.  If tilted towards love it can be treated as a privilege by having him admit that he loves it even if he doesn't want to and increase his level of submission.  A hate situation can be brought about by adding some additional factors to the scenario to make sure it's unpleasant for him.  In these cases it should increase submission and can be used for taunting by citing previous experiences where it got him off.

Hate/hate situations can probably be reserved for punishments or whenever you feel his attitude could use some adjustment.

Love and Hate for a Domme
Well, there isn't much that has to be said about things a Domme loves to do, except hopefully she has those activities available anytime she wants them.

It is inevitable that a Domme will have to do some things she hates every so often.  These may often include certain types of punishments that have an adverse effect on her life, such as withholding contact, withholding affection, severe corporal punishment, etc.  It is odd, but in these cases a Domme should perform the hated action with fervor and commitment.  If this is a punishment she should go at the punishment full throttle since he is more likely to remember how bad it was and anticipate it will be worse if it happens again in the future.  Basically, it can serve as a deterrent for his future behavior. 

If this isn't a punishment but if the hated activity is a form of reward for the sub (something he loves), there's usually a way to put a spin on it to twist it into a love/hate activity for the sub (or even a hate/hate activity).  A ruined or denied orgasm, intense humiliation, long-term denial or severe punishment in its aftermath, etc. come to mind.  This will make him less likely to request an activity the Domme hates in the future.

Yay! 10 Followers

This is kind of a milestone for me but I finally hit 10 followers.

I know it only shows 9 (one of which is myself) but in my dashboard it says 11, which I'm guessing means there's a few private followers.  It's nice to know that there are some people out there reading.

A big thank you to everyone.

Analyzing the Fantasy: Cruelty and Torment

There's often a male submissive fantasy of serving a woman that is quite cruel, inflicting many forms of suffering, humiliation, and torment upon the sub.  In reality, this scenario rarely surfaces amongst Femdom couples (although it does happen, the percentage of written fantasies tends to be overshadowed by the percentage of couples actually doing this). 

For this topic, I will simply try to answer the question, why is it this way?

From a submissive perspective, while they may wish for this, it's unlikely that a submissive could truly handle it on a 24-7 scale.  A few hours?  Sure.  A weekend?  Definitely.  Every day for two years?  Not as easy to answer.  I give this one the mark of "fantasy and penis biting off more than they could chew."  While it's possible in small doses, 99% of males simply aren't emotionally prepared for something like this to actually happen.  Without pleasure, emotional and sexual gratification, and a worthwhile sense of self, the sub would likely either cease to exist as a person or become unhappy and rebel against his Domme.

The Domme side of things is a bit more complicated.

The first thing that comes to mind as to why there aren't a lot of Dommes out there that tend to carry this disposition full-time is that it just doesn't offer a lot to many women.  I can understand why a woman would want a sex slave for pleasure, I can understand why a woman would want a sub male for domestic chores, and I can understand why a woman would want a man who is completely devoted to her and responsive to her every whim.  These things provide tangible, pleasurable results, in addition to the knowledge that there is a man out there who exists merely to give her those pleasurable results.

The second thing I can think of is that there aren't many people out there with natural impulses to inflict suffering.  A weekend of teasing, humiliation, and suffering requires significant planning and the ability to make on the fly adjustments as needed that remain consistent with that theme.  Unless that really "does it" for her, there isn't a lot of motivation for a Domme to go to those lengths.  Similarly, if/when the unexpected occurs, will she be able to react quickly and naturally in a purely cruel way?  I believe it takes a certain personality type to really enjoy this and I don't think it's a very common one.

Delving into fetishes gets things a bit closer.  A Domme may have a fetish for spanking or inflicting pain in a sadistic way.  This I can understand a bit since it's a tangible activity yielding a specific result.  On the other hand, bondage is a little bit closer.  Having a sub bound and helpless does bring up feelings of power and control and it's also a matter of taking away his freedom to increase her pleasure.  I believe Dommes who really enjoy strict bondage are of the right nature to be cruel.

So what about this makes things appealing to these Dommes?  A few things I can come up with:
1. Knowledge that he willingly suffers for her pleasure - devotion.
2. Feelings of power and control.
3. Feeling playful and naughty.
4. It gets her off.

I have a feeling that number four is probably the great separating point between "these types" of Dommes and Dommes that don't have a lot of interest in cruelty.  I could be wrong, but that's about the only explanation I could find for a Domme dressing her sub up in a maid's outfit while locked in chastity and forced to humiliate himself in front of her.  Something about his suffering and discomfort has to make her tick on a deep level or she probably wouldn't do it.

I find this difference rather intriguing as certain scenarios will have one Domme hissing "YESSSSS, MOOOORE!" while the same scenario will leave many Dommes shaking their head saying "Nope, doesn't do it for me."

I know guilt probably plays a big part while a Domme is developing in terms of how cruel she can be while completely enjoying it.  As long as she truly values her pleasure over his comfort that avenue can be explored thoroughly without hesitation.  I believe it's probably more likely for a woman to enjoy being cruel if her early experiences with domination were with men that she didn't love nor seriously care about.

Any thoughts?

Views on Intimacy and Jealousy - Women vs. men

Recently, Lady Grey made a post on her blog recounting a story of her relationship and an early snag caused by jealousy.  The comments raised up a few interesting points on the situation and how differing views of intimacy helped contribute to the problem. 

The post is located here:
http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/2010/06/green-eyed-monster.html

The Mistress at the Forever Hers blog also made a post regarding those ideas that is an interesting read and gives some things to ponder.
http://forever-hers2010.blogspot.com/2010/06/intimacy.html

What I have come to believe is that men and women tend to have differing views of intimacy and this greatly affects what actions they view as being okay and what actions may lead to jealousy.  Keep in mind that these ideas I am presenting are general stereotypes that of course will not be true in every case but they do hold true for many cases.

The woman's view of intimacy:
Women tend to view an intimate act as one that carries a shared emotional bond by both parties.  During these times both individuals have a similar priority structure for the feelings and needs of the other and in turn, it gives them each a feeling of closeness and connection to the other.  Basically, it makes them feel more in love and devoted to one another. 

The male view of intimacy:
Men tend to view an intimate act as one that embodies a desire for physical contact with the other party.  These include most sexual acts such as kissing, groping, intercourse, oral sex, and the like.  Also included would be acts done with sexual intent.  e.g. a back massage done for therapeutic reasons would not be intimate, but a back massage done to turn the woman on and touch her body would be intimate.

As you can see, these views don't entirely overlap and in some cases, they can flat out clash with each other.  In my opinion, its when one party performs an action that conflicts with the other's view of intimacy that jealousy is born.

When a woman gets jealous:
A woman usually gets jealous when she feels the man has breached his loyalty either in regards to desire or on an emotional level.  If a man is overly friendly with another woman, she feels he is attempting to form a bond with someone else and she will become jealous. In the D/s realm, if a man wishes to serve another woman in a non-sexual and simply doing something like cleaning her house, she may believe that he wishes to devote himself to someone else and she will become jealous.  This jealousy is, in many cases, quite justified. 

When a man gets jealous:
A man usually gets jealous when she feels the woman is engaging in activities he considers of an unfaithful or sexual nature.  In many cases it's something she considers completely harmless since her devotion to him never wanes nor does she view it as intimate but he may become jealous whether or not the other party involved has an innocent or ulterior motive.  Basically, if he is not the only man that can monopolize her attention, he may get jealous.

In some cases, this jealousy is justified.  In other cases, it can be way off base.  If she goes to a male massage therapist for a therapeutic back massage, he shouldn't be jealous.  If she gets a back massage from that guy at her work that flirts with her all the time, being jealous is quite reasonable... but...
he should consider whether or not she deems it intimate before he acts upon his feelings.

Why the man is usually wrong to feel jealous:
In many cases the man will get jealous because he feels she is being unfaithful if she engages in any act that he would deem (even potentially) sexual and intimate.  However, while she may partake in said act, if her devotion to him never wanes, she retains her full commitment to him in her heart.  While she might accept the back massage from her flirty co-worker, she merely wants the back massage (even if the co-worker is trying to seduce her).  In the D/s realm, if she chooses to spank another male sub, in most cases she doesn't wish to actually love the sub, nor take him into the household.  There may be other times where she simply pretends to flirt just to get her way or make a man do something for her without her actually wanting anything to do with him.  In these times if the man is jealous it is usually a sign of his ego and pride, and feelings that he should be the only man that can have her attention.

Why the woman is usually right to feel jealous:
Women tend to get jealous when they feel a man's devotion to her waning.  He leaves her in his heart, if even for a brief moment.  When he flirts he is envisioning himself being intimate with the woman he is flirting with.  If he wishes to serve another woman he is envisioning himself being intimate with the other woman.  His loss of devotion and heart are genuine causes for concern and jealousy is justified.

Overall, I'm just not a big supporter of male jealousy.  If you are a man and able to know and trust how your woman truly feels there is no need to have any fear or resentment when she interacts with other men.  If she has to turn elsewhere to get her needs completely met, you should step up and try to fill those needs yourself.

A little peek into my world

I was a bit reluctant to post a picture of some things before.  I figured I would try once more and see what kind of response I get and it may be something I will continue with in the future.

I am calling this post a little peek into my world since it probably illustrates quite well just how my initial fetishes got twisted into what things are now.  In hindsight, it was actually quite skillful how my sexual responses were manipulated over the years and a deep attraction to women in fur and an enjoyment for the touch of fur eventually forced me down this road to sissyhood and humiliation.

These pictures represent only a small subset of items and combinations that I have been forced to wear over the years.

Keep in mind that these don't just come into play during the winter, they happen year round while serving and during play.

A serious threat of being taken out while dressed in these is usually enough to almost bring me to tears.  Shopping for items like these ends up being a bit exhilarating but quite humiliating if I am forced to try any of them on in the store.

It brings me great shame and embarrassment that being forced to dress up turns me on and I doubt that will ever go away.

The completed outfits are usually quite "whore-like" with short skirts, tight fitting tops, stockings and garters, etc.  Even when dressed in male clothing, being forced to wear hats, earmuffs, and gloves like those pictured above is enough to bring on severe humiliation.

 Any comments?

A Quick Blurb

I realize I haven't posted a whole lot lately.  I've been quite busy and haven't had much time to think about things nor have I lingered much in the submissive mindset.

I seem to have picked up a few new readers who are leaving comments.  That makes me very happy.  Thank you for posting here and letting me know that I'm writing to someone :)

The picture below is a photo from several years ago of some of the items that have been part of my forced sissy experiences.  As you can see, my fur fetish was really turned against me and strongly contributed to the sissy state I find myself in now.  For 5+ years my only permitted orgasms happened when dressed in items like those below (and usually with an entire matching outfit) and it really did one hell of a job conditioning my sexual responses into the twisted mess they are now.

Things have gotten even more humiliating since then.  

Public Humiliation Accessory - Bells

After the first panty experience I wrote about in my last post my Mistress wanted to increase my level of self-consciousness at all times.  The first thing she did was have a small jingle bell tied to a string that she wanted me to wear around my neck at all times.  If I was good, I could wear the bell under my shirt.  If I was bad, she would order me to wear the bell outside of my shirt.  Under the shirt gave a slight ticking sound when I walked, but over the shirt gave the full on jingle.  This weighed on my mind rather heavily when I was out and about, even when nothing else was involved.

Bells were also integrated into punishment.  Corner time with bells in order to keep me still.  If the bells jingled, there would be additional punishments.  This was especially bad if I had to sneeze or had an itch somewhere.

She had planned to make some bracelets/anklets, necklaces, cock ring, and clips that would have jingle bells on them for public humiliation.  e.g. having to wear two elastic anklets with jingle bells on them that would jingle with every step I took.  When she started to bring up the idea of dressing me up and humiliating me in public she wanted to add bells in order to draw the attention of more people if I was jingling loudly.  

Circumstances prevented these events from ever happening but they still manage to get into my head every now and then and it brings up a cache of emotions.

Humiliation Starts in the Mind

Much of the rush of public humiliation is a product of the mind. 

I can remember the first time that I was ordered to wear panties under my clothes when we went out shopping (panties have never been a fetish of mine and they still aren't to this day).  This was very early in my first D/s relationship.  I didn't want to do it but I got a warning of what would happen if I didn't so I didn't offer much resistance.  My mind was racing around about it and I was feeling incredibly self-conscious.  This was really one of the first major mind-fucks I ever received.  I stayed relatively quiet while we were shopping and after a while Mistress started whispering things in my ear. 

"She knows you're wearing panties."
"They can all tell you're a perverted panty boy."
"See that girl over there?  She's looking at you funny, I know that she knows."

Each time she would say something it would make me blush profusely and I was getting pushed deeper and deeper into subspace... even though I knew what she was saying wasn't really true, my mind was so clouded that it was as if she was speaking the truth.  The deeper I found myself in subspace the more turned on it made me and soon after she noticed the bulge in my pants and the comments happened more frequently and there were even some threats about shopping for more panties for me that day since she liked what it was doing to me.

Several years later while I was with my second Mistress I had a similar type of rush in the mind.  We had been out shopping and found a pair of pink gloves trimmed with pink fur that she was going to make me wear.  Later in the week she ordered me to go to the store with the gloves and find a matching hat and sweater.  Matching = must match perfectly.  Perfect match = I would have to bring the gloves with me.

This was ordered as a solo trip so I went off to the mall that had a few stores we would often shop at together.  I had the gloves in my coat pockets and when I first found something that I thought was similar, I found it was incredibly difficult for me to take the glove out of my pocket to see if it matched.  As I was about to do it for the first time I was hit with this incredible paranoia that was similar to the panties trip, it felt like I was surrounded by other shoppers and that all of them were paying attention to what I was doing (and assuming that I was shopping for myself and not for a gift).  I would kind of go to a secluded area to compare and I'm guessing I must have looked a lot like a shoplifter.  Luckily, the hat was easier since I found one of the same brand from the same collection and knew it was a perfect match.

I believe the trip was ordered since she knew I would feel that way and she asked me to tell her about the trip later.

Isn't it odd how there doesn't have to be any real humiliation to feel humiliated?

Dream Bondage Device - Cold Weather Depersonalization Mask

My fetishes are a bit ironic considering I hate cold weather, especially since many of my dreams end up being in cold weather scenarios.  Sticking to the depersonalization theme of the two recent posts, it got me thinking about a particular dream that involved a cold weather climate and many male slaves.

In this particular dream the slaves wore uniforms had their faces covered at all times.  Since it was cold they wore knit ski masks, but the ski masks they wore had no holes for the eyes or mouth so they were more like having a long stocking cap pulled over the head.  They also had a leather locking strap that would secure it around the neck and could be locked to a collar. 

If you remember back when you were younger and you would mess around with kids in school pulling each other's hats down over the eyes, while this blocks a lot of your vision, you can still see a little bit between the tiny gaps in the knitting (although it does have a severely limited field of vision).

Thus, the slaves in the masks could still see enough to perform most tasks but it made delicate tasks much more difficult as well as hindered their abilities to defend themselves from abuse or discipline from women. 

From a depersonalization standpoint, these faceless masks assisted in making the men appear "less than human" and anonymous (in a replaceable/expendable sense).  It also removed their facial expressions and in conjunction with a gag, it would remove most indicators of pain levels when they would be disciplined through corporal punishment.   

While I'm sure these could be in any color, my dreams tend to gravitate around certain trends and the masks were usually some feminine pastel color with a huge, dorky fur pom pom on top. 

I can draw some sketches if people request that but at the same time I tend to enjoy the exercise of visualizing something based upon a textual description.  Everyone seems to come up with their own unique interpretation and that is often way more fun than spoiling it with a drawing.