Sunday, April 9, 2017

A little bit of clarity and a few more uncertainties

I've had a number of conversations about my Friday discoveries since writing that post.  I've been able to get some good feedback that helped provide some insight into the situation.  While there are still a lot of questions that don't have answers, I'm feeling okay about what I know so far.

As I've come to understand it, the events that happened in the realm of age 3-5 or so caused me to craft a new persona to protect my vulnerability.  This became my alpha and it was the only face I showed to the world for many years and I still rely upon it today.  That persona tends to act out a belief set that I do not always agree with... but it is to maintain appearances and "blend in" with the world.

I'm not sure if what I experience through submission is a little persona or not.  It is my truly vulnerable side that I buried in the wake of the events of my youth.  From what I can understand of it, the hat and/or earmuffs are the key that unlocks that part of myself.  M was the first to use it.  K was the next.  My vulnerable person is terrified of being hurt and abandoned.  This part of me seeks a "guardian" to submit to and will do anything to win that guardian's approval and acceptance.  The guardian protects me from abandonment and rejection and wields almost absolute power over me.

The guardian doesn't have to be kind, supportive, fair, or consistent.  The guardian must simply want to keep me and I will love her and need her.  This is the part of me that is truly capable of loving.  This is the part of me that cannot say no.

There are more parts of this that I do not yet understand.  This state is hyper-sexual.  The slightest bit of attention and I get aroused.  The slightest thought of pleasing her a I get aroused.  The more that she isolates me, the more under her thumb that she makes me feel and the more desire I have to please her, the more submissive and aroused I become.  I feel naughty because I exist.  I feel undeserving of good things.  The best I can hope for is to be kept and any amount of suffering is simply a test to prove myself worthy of her attention.

Here is where my limited knowledge of littles comes into play.  This state of mine seems like it was paralyzed in that young age, too frightened to show itself unless the keys are used.  Is this a little state or just the fracturing of my psyche?  I'm not really sure.  Are there more keys?  Mittens seem to instill similar feelings.  It seems that things that trap me in shame have the greatest impact.

On the other hand, I pretty much feel like the part of me that responds to feminization is not so much that, but part of the system of what happens here.  Whenever feminization was attempted independently of the keys, I do not reach the same level of subspace.  These are things to mull over.  I have a feeling I will have to reach out to a little or two to get more of an idea, unless someone who has seen anything like this before can chime in with some words. 

So many things swirl around in my head...


  1. Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate you being so open about your discovery and how you feel as you work through the pieces. As you know, I had a horrible childhood as well, so in a way it is comforting to read what you've been through and how it has effected you.

    I know with your analyzing skills you will come to understand more about this, and I hope you keep writing here as you figure it out.

    1. Thank you, Misty.

      This is quite the learning process. I can already feel how it has relaxed a lot of my anxiety in regards to certain things. Oddly some of those things were triggers to subspace so it is yet to be seen how it will affect things going forward.

      Take care. I will keep sharing as I discover more.

  2. Just because you're holding some of the keys to some of the doors in your mind, I don't know that you can't let someone else hold them from time to time.

    Knowing it and allowing someone to utilize it is a powerful test of letting it all go, and seeing where it leads.

    1. Thank you, Lyall.

      I suppose experience will play a large part from this point on. Seeing what works and what doesn't. I'm sure there will be some trial and error and a learning curve.