Something noteworthy has shifted within me since I wrote my post on Friday. I don't know how much I may have changed... but I am aware that the feelings are not the same nor are my body's responses.
A lot of my slavespace banked on a trigger that was rooted in anxiety. Force me into shame and embarrassment in a certain way and I would be overwhelmed with such a force of feelings and tightening of the chest that my persona would collapse and buckle, leaving only the slave behind.
What is different since writing that post and crying several times in the process was a great emotional release and a number of answers to long-standing questions rushing to the forefront. Many of these questions I had carried with me since my early teens. Now that they "make sense," the "I must just be really fucked up" impulse is gone and my chest doesn't react in the same way (those who have experienced large amounts of anxiety know what I am talking about).
I have to say that I am concerned about what this means to me as a sub. Before I was predictable and could easily lay out a blueprint on how pushing my buttons would make me react. What stands now is a great unknown and what I don't know feels scary and unpredictable.
While the anxiety about myself is gone, I can feel the fragile sense of confidence I have teetering with uncertainty. I can tell this is my fear of rejection.
I'm hoping that more of this will reveal itself as time passes.