I'm still processing all of the emotions. Usually I would manage to burst them all out completely in one post. This has felt more like connecting dots after one revelation.
I have to believe that I'm almost through it, so if you are tired of these posts they will likely be done soon. What I'm finding a bit bothersome about all of this is that a lot of
these memories are from VERY young. I can't date a few of them because I
basically have a dividing line of when I turned 3 and was aware of what
age I was and before then when I didn't have any thoughts about it.
Some of these memories are clear as day. I can remember names and faces
of people that departed my life a long, long time ago.
The whole hat thing and toughing out the cold became an anxiety battle throughout my youth. The thought of being made to wear a hat was enough to make me want to vomit. I would spew out every excuse in the book to avoid it. It happened quite often. At recess in elementary school on some days they wouldn't let us go outside without one. I would either stay inside or beg my parents to call the school and get permission for me to not wear one. This seems kind of stupid but it affected me that much. When I would play at friend's houses this was often something their parents would try to force upon me. I would resist it then as well, even if it meant I had to stay inside when the others went outside. The anxiety was real but I was unwilling to admit why to anyone. I just stuck to the idea that it made me too hot and I would feel sick. These were half-truths at least, although both were likely caused more by anxiety than by the hat.
Frostbite became a regular thing, especially after I started playing pickup hockey at the local rink. I remember several occasions having my skin turn black. M being able to get a hat on me without a fight or severe anxiety was huge.
A lot of the experiences with my sister and her friends basically shut off my interest in girls. Aside from 1 or 2 of them that were kind to me before age 6, I really didn't have any friendships with girls nor found many/any attractive or interesting until much later than I should have. The thought of getting to know a girl on a close and personal level gave me severe anxiety. Aside from my M fantasies, I didn't take a true interest in girls until I was 15 or so when a charismatic girl in one of my classes just sort of overwhelmed me with her presence and kindness. I carried a secret torch for her for years but never built up enough courage to act upon it. She is the reason that I let my guard down. She is the reason that I started feeling good about girls and I realized at just how good it felt to have one talk to me and smile at me. I felt saved... like my blackened, twisted, disgusting heart had hope... that maybe sometime I could actually find happiness. I consider her to be a pivotal person in my life even though we barely spoke to each other over the four years of high school and spent time together maybe 3 times outside of school. She was the source of my transformation and the one who got the ball rolling in getting me to open up my feelings again. Without her, I doubt I would have learned how to love. I probably would have been dead by now.