Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Almost through it...

I'm still processing all of the emotions.  Usually I would manage to burst them all out completely in one post.  This has felt more like connecting dots after one revelation.

I have to believe that I'm almost through it, so if you are tired of these posts they will likely be done soon.  What I'm finding a bit bothersome about all of this is that a lot of these memories are from VERY young.  I can't date a few of them because I basically have a dividing line of when I turned 3 and was aware of what age I was and before then when I didn't have any thoughts about it.  Some of these memories are clear as day.  I can remember names and faces of people that departed my life a long, long time ago.

The whole hat thing and toughing out the cold became an anxiety battle throughout my youth.  The thought of being made to wear a hat was enough to make me want to vomit.  I would spew out every excuse in the book to avoid it.  It happened quite often.  At recess in elementary school on some days they wouldn't let us go outside without one.  I would either stay inside or beg my parents to call the school and get permission for me to not wear one.  This seems kind of stupid but it affected me that much.  When I would play at friend's houses this was often something their parents would try to force upon me.  I would resist it then as well, even if it meant I had to stay inside when the others went outside.  The anxiety was real but I was unwilling to admit why to anyone.  I just stuck to the idea that it made me too hot and I would feel sick.  These were half-truths at least, although both were likely caused more by anxiety than by the hat.

Frostbite became a regular thing, especially after I started playing pickup hockey at the local rink.  I remember several occasions having my skin turn black.  M being able to get a hat on me without a fight or severe anxiety was huge.

A lot of the experiences with my sister and her friends basically shut off my interest in girls.  Aside from 1 or 2 of them that were kind to me before age 6, I really didn't have any friendships with girls nor found many/any attractive or interesting until much later than I should have.  The thought of getting to know a girl on a close and personal level gave me severe anxiety.  Aside from my M fantasies, I didn't take a true interest in girls until I was 15 or so when a charismatic girl in one of my classes just sort of overwhelmed me with her presence and kindness.  I carried a secret torch for her for years but never built up enough courage to act upon it.  She is the reason that I let my guard down.  She is the reason that I started feeling good about girls and I realized at just how good it felt to have one talk to me and smile at me.  I felt saved... like my blackened, twisted, disgusting heart had hope... that maybe sometime I could actually find happiness.  I consider her to be a pivotal person in my life even though we barely spoke to each other over the four years of high school and spent time together maybe 3 times outside of school.  She was the source of my transformation and the one who got the ball rolling in getting me to open up my feelings again.  Without her, I doubt I would have learned how to love.  I probably would have been dead by now.


  1. Dear Fur,

    It concerns me that you are placing such high expectations upon yourself, to work through new revelations, new feelings, new emotions which can often leave us feeling unsettled in such a short period of time. These things often take time to work through, often emotion by emotion, thought by thought and that IS ok.

    I know it's difficult when you feel as if what you knew has changed and leaves you feeling vulnerable, but there is no time limit, there is no rush to work through all of this, I'm sure you'll be processing things for a long while. That IS OK, truly.

    Connect the dots, but don't feel that there's something wrong if you can't quite connect them all in one go.

    Best, Kat

    1. Thank you, Kat.

      I'm not sure why I try to rush myself through the process... possibly that I dislike feeling uncertain or due to the shock of feeling like I need to understand it to feel stable. Thankfully each time I write one of these it feels like another wound starts to heal for the first time... which I know is not a bad thing, it's just a little bit unsettling to lose a sense of self that I had worked so hard to understand.

      I'm sure this just sounds like me being stubborn. The truth is, I'm just hurt and scared and answers seem to help with those things. I do take your words to heart.

      Take care.