Drawing practice

I found this outfit while browsing this year's fall/winter collections.  I think it's quite sexy (for a woman, not a sissy). 

I did a fair bit of experimenting here, trying to make the knitted sweater top look more like a sweater.  I'm fairly happy with how the gloves turned out, but man... the detail on the gloves took almost as much time as the rest of the drawing. 

My entire goal of all time with drawing was to be able to draw an attractive woman.  I think I am getting closer to reaching that goal, but I still have a ways to go. 

I did a couple of variations with different color collars.

A requested picture

I had someone request another drawing the other day.  They gave a bit of a description of it and I did my best within those parameters.

Another practice portrait

This one didn't quite turn out like I wanted it to... but I also sort of just kind of pushed to finish it without going in and adding the shading on the coat.  I suppose I may revisit it at some point and finish it up.

Fall/Winter 2011

The 2011 fall/winter collections are starting to roll out on department store websites.

The good news for fur lovers, there's lots of it.  The bad news is, it's a really mixed bag in terms of styles.  It seems there's a split between shaggy and sleek, and much of the shaggy might be warm, but isn't all that flattering to the figure. 

Another plus is that designers seem to be getting away from skinny leg pants.  I've always found those to be sort of gross, the way they tend to give women chicken legs and I'm sure there's many out there that have pushed themselves towards eating disorders to pull it off.  I though the pinned pant look in the 80's was sort of off and I feel the same way about skinny leg pants. 

Here's a few things that have caught my eye so far this year.

Latest drawing

I had originally intended this to go somewhere but I decided just to stop where I was at...

Someone who reads my blog for the pictures might think that I'm actually really into...

pegging.

I kind of cheaped out on the shading on this one out of laziness. 

Drawing

Well, I did this drawing in sections over the course of about two months, drawing one character in each sitting.  I'm not all that happy with how it turned out (it's a bit inconsistent and things didn't quite "fit" how I wanted them to) but I figured I'd share it anyways.  I had planned to add some captions but decided against it.

Hehe...

I wasn't planning on making two posts tonight but I happened to stumble across these the other day and they're fucking awful.  I'm sure there's more humiliating sissy footwear out there but these would probably be near the top of the list.  That color just makes your eyes want to bleed.

Touching base

I am alive... but haven't been much in the mood for writing, drawing, or thinking along BDSM lines.

Things have been good over the past couple of weeks with Mistress and I, although D/s is still absent from things, I can't complain.  I have been heavily into my hobbies lately and she has kept herself busy as well.

I have made several attempts to draw over the past few months, but I haven't really finished any of them until one I worked on a few days ago.

The drawing I did finish is somewhat inspired by SPH (small penis humiliation).  It's not something that I'm usually "into" nor am I tiny or anything but like most men who aren't hung like elephants, penis size has led to insecurities at certain times over my life.  I've found this to be an easy form of control that a woman can have over a man.  Even if he can pleasure her completely during sex the idea that she wished he was bigger can make the man wish he was bigger, and in turn increase his appreciation for her because she accepts him even with his inadequacies.  It doesn't take much to bring that doubt on (unless he's hung like an elephant) and it will probably haunt him at least occasionally for the rest of his erectile life. 

Sure, it's kind of a cheap shot but it seems it's kind of fitting for a man to be insecure about his penis when women are bred to be insecure about just about everything.

This picture isn't so much about saying a man is small, but more about instilling some doubt that can be used against him.

My first requested portrait

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Fetish, Happiness, and Subspace

Lady Grey left some good comments on my last post.  I had started working through some additional thoughts in a full post but about halfway through I found myself just sort of spinning in circles and unsure of where I was going, so here's take two.

My other post was me trying to figure out if it's an actual activity that "does it" for me or if it's more about the situation than the actual events.

I kind of look at my submissive self in three different ways:
1.  Things that drive me sexually.
2.  Things that I need to be happy.
3.  Things that increase my subspace.

My sexual drives are what I consider to be my fetishes.  They pretty much turn me on all the time and aren't things that are directly related to a woman's anatomy or figure (e.g. I don't consider enjoying breasts a fetish).  My list of these things includes:
-A woman's aggressive and dominant personality.
-Being a submissive (which I think is slightly different than just being submissive).
-Women wearing fur or fur-trimmed clothing.
-Women wearing certain styles of boots.
-Women wearing certain styles of gloves.
-The touch of fur.
-Bondage: both restraining and ornamental (e.g. collars).
-"Safe" humiliation and emasculation (safe = controlled environment with no risk).
-Tease and Denial.

Those things really make me tick sexually but at the same time.  What I choose to fantasize about in my free time usually involves many of these but often goes well beyond what I might actually want to do.

Things that I need to be happy:

-Love
-Trust/security (I know that if I do my part she won't abandon me)
-Subspace (it gives me inner peace)


Things that increase my subspace (sorry if any of these seem redundant):
-Inequality of power.
-The removal of "true" choice and freedom.
-Expectations of perfection and strict consequences.
-Humiliation/Emasculation.
-Feeling inferior.
-Having actions or activities forced upon me.
-Justifications for cruelty (e.g. this is for your own good, you can't control your penis, etc.).
-Mind fucks.

These seem really easy to understand when I look at activities that I consciously enjoy and know turn me on.  e.g. Being chained down to a bed by a Venus in Furs who teases my nipples.

However, it becomes more complicated when I look at activities that I don't don't enjoy (or even flat out dislike) but they give me some beneficial feelings in other ways.  They tend to feed each other in a circular manner.  In my last post I referenced pegging, forced feminization, and chastity.  When I think of pegging in general, it doesn't do anything to me.  The same goes for forced fem and chastity.  If I incorporate a situation involving a dominant woman and circumstances surrounding each of those activities, it "does it" for me.  I have experienced each of these things and found they held some positives and some negatives but pegging doesn't release that basic trigger in me like a Venus in Furs might.

I tried to look for the commonalities across all things, both the ones that I enjoy and the ones that I didn't and really only found one thing:  A woman with the capacity and desire for cruelty.

It's not that I would want to be pegged again but I desire a woman that would peg me if she felt like it.  It's not that I crave forced fem but I desire a woman that would make me dress up or face severe consequences.  It's not that I crave chastity but I desire a woman that might force it upon me as a punishment or just because she felt like it.  I don't like being spanked but I desire a woman that would spank me whenever she felt like it.

I don't know if this is the act or the idea of the act.  Knowing that I don't crave the act but crave the potential that the act might happen regardless of what I want makes me a bit confused. 

I'm starting to get a bit frustrated since I haven't come to an answer on this but when I envision a woman that does whatever she wants regardless of whether I like it or hate it I get turned on.  Now I am realistic, love, trust, and subspace would have to be involved for me to feel happy and satisfied.  I also doubt I could be happy with a Domme that was also an active member of PETA (I would rather her dress in fur and keep me in chastity than not wear it at all). 

So... a fur-appreciating Mistress that loves me and enjoys doing things that put me into deep subspace is probably the greatest satisfaction I could hope for and I crave that more than I would any one activity. 

But alas... this still doesn't really find the answers I was looking for.  I will mull it over for the next few days.

The "abused slave" Fantasy

I finally got around to commenting on Lady Grey's post of The Appeal of Disinterest (that also featured one of my drawings as an example) and I had a few thoughts come together that I was able to connect to many aspects of my kink.

I know I've probably written something almost identical to this in the past but if I did, it's not something fresh in my memory so please forgive me if this seems redundant.

I've spent a lot of time over the years trying to figure out why certain fantasies "do it" for me sexually when I damn well know that I wouldn't want a lifestyle like that.  I'd also wondered why I rarely connect with others that seem to share the same fetishes that I do.  I titled this post as the "abused slave" fantasy since that was the first thing that came to mind but I will cover a few others in this regards.  

Picture this fantasy that can be found in thousands of Femdom fetish fiction stories around the internet:
A man is kidnapped and kept against his will by a beautiful, cruel, rich Mistress that takes him as her live in slave and forces him to do whatever she wants while she beats him unmercifully and he's never allowed an ounce of joy or freedom. 

If a random assortment of 100 male subs read this story and got turned on, there is likely a major difference between why they got turned on.  There are extreme slaves out there but they are usually quite rare, so I would assume that out of those 100, 4 of them were subs that were truly cut out for the lifestyle depicted in the fantasy.  The remaining 96 probably wouldn't be, so why are all 100 of them masturbating to the same story?

I think the root of this divide is the act vs. the environment.  For everyone that gets turned on by a scenario, a handful have a fetish for the activity and the majority have a fetish for the situation surrounding the activity.  I think that many subs may feel like they have a larger kink-interest base than they really do because of this.  I think this is one of the reasons that many subs end up appearing "fake" when confronted with a real situation:  they want the woman capable of doing such things but not the things that she actually does.

In many ways I think I have been uncertain as to why particular activities have turned me on.  I know with a post during my last pegging picture I had wondered why I drew it (and why it turned me on drawing it).  I hate the activity of being pegged.  I enjoy the humiliation and submission it brings on and the idea of a woman willing to strip me of my dignity.  Forced feminization has a similar role within me.  The act of crossdressing does nothing for me, the humiliation of a woman making me dress that way is a huge turn on.  Chastity is something I hate but the idea of a woman forcing it upon me is a turn on. 

I guess when I really break it down I don't have that many "true" fetishes.  I know I was able to realize these characteristics about individual activities but I don't think I ever connected it as a whole. 

I was hoping to work on that drawing I talked about in my last post but...

it seems my inner motivation and libido have gone dormant for the time being.

Hopefully I'll finish it up soon.

A few minor ramblings

Sorry if this bleeds long... it's a week's worth of thoughts crammed into one post.

I know there are some other blog authors out there that feel this way, but I am curious as to what types of posts I have made (and will make in the future) that people who visit here like to read most.  I have looked at my blog traffic stats and they don't really yield much insight into it... my July 2010 post on anal plugs (which I'm not even "into") still leads all other post views by a wide margin, at 5000 views ahead of my April 2010 Sardax tribute and 6500 views more than my May 2010 Inescapable Contract post.  All other posts are 7000+ views behind that anal plugs post and the only recent one to make it into the top 5 was my Jan 2011 drawing inspired by MsMarie.

I have been debating re-posting a few of my older posts because I think they have value and merit but have been buried pretty far back.  I think I didn't break 5 followers until I had 40+ posts, so many of those original 40 that had a target audience have been long-forgotten.  When I first entered the blogging community I had a target audience (subs in the fledgling stages of introducing Femdom to their partners or those searching for Dommes) in mind but after spending countless hours typing comments on those blogs I realized quickly that the demographic had shunned me.  It's like they listened to my comments since I had lifestyle experience but didn't want anything to do with the other things I wrote since I labeled myself a sissy. 

The craziest thing that ended up happening in the long run was that it seems the majority of my readers that make comments are Dominants.  That is something that fills me with a deep sense of pride as a sub.

If anyone has any ideas for re-posts on any of my earlier writings that they would like to discuss please let me know.



I have realized over time that while I am able to exert a great deal of control over my depression, my Mistress's moods and actions towards me affect my ability to keep it under control.  When her behavior is erratic towards me, my depression starts to overwhelm me.  When her behavior is good to me, I am fine.  I'm not sure if I should feel weak because of this or if I should just accept that as okay.  I was an orphan given up by my biological parents and that is the primary root of my abandonment issues and I've always needed to feel loved to keep my craziness from spiraling out of control.  Femdom has seemingly been a godsend to me.  In my past relationships and earlier in my current relationship when I felt depression start rearing up I would just ask my Mistress to kick the dominance up a notch.  If her expectations of me got incredibly difficult to meet with failures swiftly punished and good performance acknowledged, my submission would calm the storm inside of me and any signs of depression would fade away.


I want to give a big Thank You to everyone that has shown me support during this down time of mine.  I really hope to be back up to a state of solid emotional health soon.  I miss reading blogs in depth and leaving comments on them.  Lately I just haven't been able to keep my heart calm enough to keep that up very well.  When I write a long comment I usually spend 40-150 minutes on it (sometimes having it span multiple sittings) and while there's many things I have wanted to say, the timing just hasn't worked out lately for anything but a few brief chirps here and there.  If you are accustomed to having me comment on your blog, I will hopefully be back in full capacity soon.




Now that I have at least a few drawings under my belt that I would rank as "decent," does anyone have a favorite type of drawing that I have done so far?  Sometimes when I'm just looking to practice it's hard to come up with ideas of things I really want to draw and I can do more with a certain style or idea if something floats your boat.  I'm currently working on a Femdom dream scenario fantasy drawing that is my most ambitious project yet in that it will have at least 6 characters pictured in it.  I know I'm taking a risk on time-wasting if it ends up turning out like crap but I'm willing to give it a go.  Each "person" in a drawing takes me somewhere between 40 minutes and 4 hours.  I tend to spend a lot more time drawing women than men as I'm more concerned that the women turn out looking good. 

I'm still sort of trying to figure out what types of drawings garner a positive response.  I was surprised no one commented on my Punishment Box drawing.  So far I have only had one drawing that turned out exactly how I wanted it to, and it was a practice portrait.



It's been nice having people message me through my chat box, thank you everyone.



Lastly, does anyone have any thoughts on the stuff in my post before this one?  Anything at all?  Like... "that's sexy" or "man your taste sucks"?  Although now that I think about it, those who have followed my blog for a long time probably just think it's predictably me.  I'm such a simpleton in that regards.  If I ever found myself single again it really wouldn't take much for a woman to exploit me pretty badly. 

Mistress and I rarely go shopping together anymore for her clothes and I think that's one of the things I miss the most.

2011/2012 M. Miller Collection

I've always been a huge fan of ski-wear from M. Miller.  By random chance I was surfing the web last night and found they posted their winter 2011/2012 collection just recently.  I know the ski boutiques have to have their orders placed in March to have them all filled by October or so (I found this out when trying to special order a coat for Mistress one year) and it strikes me as a little odd that the collections are done this early in the year when most clothing designers don't unveil their 2011/2012 winter collections until August/September.  The pictures here are of the new items. 

I think that's one reason why I consistently like so much of what M. Miller does... they don't just make up to the minute trends, they make attractive women's ski-wear that is also practical and pretty much in style at any time during the winter.  Most of the Dommes I have served have ended up sharing my affinity for fur and also liked my taste in what I would help them pick out when shopping.

Being that I've gone shopping a lot with my girlfriends and Mistresses over the past decade I've come to the conclusion that Mark (The M. of M. Miller) is most likely heterosexual.  I feel like I understand where he's coming from.  Even though he's designing warm winter coats, he probably thinks women are sexy and really tries to accent the beauty of the female form.  Add his flair for fur and it seems like it's a perfect match.  What seems to separate his items from many of the upscale designers is that his lines and cuts almost always do the most to draw out a woman's curves with tapered waistlines that bring out that hourglass figure that many men (myself included) find attractive.

Most of these items are available in a ton of different colors for both the base material and fur.  Each winter I like to get my Mistress at least one new coat as a gift and it's with items like these that make me regret going to work for a small business right out of college and not the corporate route.  These coats tend to carry a price tag in the $500-1500 range, and while that's not too expensive in the greater scheme of fashion, they aren't something that I can afford to buy two or three of every year along with matching accessories.

While most of the women that I know also enjoy a lot of these, whenever I post any of these on the web I don't seem to get much for feedback from people of either gender so if anyone has any comments, they'd be much appreciated. 

 

If I were to buy any of these from this year's designs for Mistress it would probably be one of these three:

Here are some of my favorites from previous years:

I'm also particularly fond of their "on location" photo shoots.

 The only real gripe I have with them is that these pictures are the largest resolution they have available on their website.

Not quite out of the woods

The last week and a half or so has involved a great deal of stress and coupled with my Mistress's BPD it has been a very trying time keeping me dipping back into depression.  We had a good talk the other night and have agreed to "keep working on fixing things" but we've had many of those talks and I'm not quite sure anymore if it's just wishful thinking or if it's actually possible.

I hate feeling emotionally fragile in this way.  I don't mind vulnerable... but feeling like you're repeatedly being "broken" (and not in a D/s sort of way) is really starting to wear me down.

I apologize to the other bloggers out there that I usually comment on their blogs.  I just haven't felt up to it lately but I will try to get back to it soon.

his/Hers Part II

I finished this one last night but was too tired to post it.  It's along the same theme as my poorly drawn first his/Hers post. 

These were mostly inspired by those awful his/hers matching outfits (think 1988 yuppie tennis outfits) that got popular for a bit around 20-25 years ago (and possibly more times throughout recent history) as well as the still popular Christmas photos where families dress up in some atrocious holiday-themed matching Cosby sweaters. 

So you can think of this one as "imagine a D/s sissy Christmas card photo..."  Of course, for humiliation's sake, his outfit would be slightly more feminine than hers (although in this drawing the only differences are the collar and mittens vs. gloves).

A couple of new practice portraits

Mistress had several days off in a row so I wasn't on much at all over the past five days or so.

I did do a couple of practice drawings in the meantime experimenting with some new shading techniques in the program I'm using.

Having trouble sleeping so here's some more practice

Pegging picture

I don't know why a lot of my drawings have some form of strap-on play.  It's really not an activity that I enjoy that much aside from the sub-space depth that it pushes me to but it keeps popping up somehow.

Requests for picture ideas, inspiration, etc.

I had someone contact me for a portrait request of his Mistress last week for her birthday that is coming up.  That really made me feel good and I was a bit shocked as I'm still not confident in my abilities.  I won't be posting it until after the said birthday, but he was able to tell it was her and also that it was him kneeling beside her and that's about all I can really hope for at this point.

My drawing muse has started to dry up a bit.  I've gotten halfway through a couple of pictures and then just gotten tired of them before I was finished. 

If anyone has any ideas or requests I can see what I can do.  Either a verbal description or some pictures/photos to use as inspiration would be appreciated if anyone would like to share.

Redrawing an old drawing

I did a re-draw of my first drawing that I posted trying to integrate some of the techniques that I've developed since then.

I think it came out quite a bit better but also shows me just how much farther I have to go.

CFNM drawing

Reactions and the Likeliness of Rejection

I was recently asked by someone Giles English over at Chastity Belt Erotica how vanilla women typically react to a man being a cross-dresser or sissy. 

After giving it some thought I realized that the spectrum of reactions are usually the same to pretty much all fetish activities that fall outside the realm of "standard" sexual practice.  Luckily I've never really been "discovered" by anyone vanilla.  All of my relationships since my first Mistress were basically founded upon shared kink.  I have shared some more intimate details of things with a couple of female friends over the years and luckily have never had a negative reaction, but I doubt they could be classified as the norm.

In the context of introducing your own fetish ideas to a woman that you are involved with, there's a few things to consider.

If you have a long-standing relationship, the longer you go without giving any indication about the fetish, the greater the chance that they will have feelings of betrayal and/or deceit that "color" their reactions.  These may magnify a reaction in a negative way or in rare cases it might be a "oh, that explains a lot" reaction in a good or at least neutral way.  As relationship length and intimacy grow longer, the strength of such feelings will likely increase.  Think: "I didn't know this is who I've been with for all this time..."

In a newer relationship the likeliness of them flat out rejecting you and/or betraying your confidence is higher since they aren't as emotionally invested and probably don't know you (or value you) as well as they would have if your relationship had gone on for years.  Think: "Get away from me, you pervert!"

While neither of these characteristics can guarantee an outcome, they just make certain outcomes more probable.

The three primary reactions that I would see as most common are:
A. Disgust. 
B. Curiosity. 
C. Playful amusement.

Disgust is most greatly influenced by feelings of betrayal/distrust/deceit.
Curiosity is more likely in newer relationships.
Playful amusement is equally likely in each case, but it's rare to come across a woman that is confident enough to take things in stride and be exhilarated more than freaked out.

In all cases there will likely be a period of anger/rejection on her part while she processes things but she will probably communicate about it before giving a final reaction.

Another major factor determining what her most likely reaction will be is the extremity of the fetish activity.

Everyone's scale of extremity probably looks different, but here's my own interpretation as to how I think "most people" might view things of a kinky nature with 1 being most mild and 10 being most extreme:
1.  Teasing, blindfolds, massage, body worship
2.  Light bondage, ice, mild nipple play
3.  Tease & denial, prolonged oral, mild spanking
4.  Moderate bondage, wax play, intense nipple play
5.  Humiliation, chastity, intense corporal punishment
6.  Forced feminization, face sitting, puppy/pony play
7.  Pegging, extreme bondage, blackmail (or at least the fantasy of)
8.  Cuckolding, forced bi, piercing, 24/7
9.  Branding, permanent chastity, scat play, water sports, knife/needle play
10. Heavy torture, maiming, castration, long-term imprisonment, forced transgender

The farther you go up the list the more likely you will be met with a negative reaction.  While there are cases where you might just luck out with her number one secret fantasy of all time, I wouldn't bank on it.  Basically, the more deviant the activity and its shock value, the greater risk you are taking when opening up about your secrets.

At the same time, the longer you spend keeping it a secret, the greater the chance that any negativity will be increased by feelings of betrayal and deceit. This is where it becomes a fine line.  Wait too long and you might floor her.  Do it too soon and she might drop you on the spot.

On the submissive side of things, the longer you put it off the greater chance you have of increasing fetish intensity or even advancing your fantasies to a more extreme level.  It also takes a lot of time being deceitful/ashamed and makes it even harder to share in the future.

While there's many men out there that tend to stick in this limbo between being forthcoming or keeping it completely secret, I believe they're almost better off to get it out of the way sooner rather than later.  If she processes things and accepts it, this will minimize the damage if the relationship can be salvaged.  On the chance that she may reject you for it, at least keeping secrets is over and you can start trying to find a relationship that will be fulfilling and secret-free from the start.

Also, the lower on the scale of intensities that you are when you choose to communicate, the better.  If you are riding at say a level 4 and keep it a secret from your lover, time, fantasy, and masturbating to it in secret has a nasty habit of turning a 4 into a 5, 6, 7, or 8 over a few years, which will make it even harder to communicate about openly.

I stayed up way too late finishing this one...

So... I should have gone to bed several hours ago but I wanted to finish this one.  I think I wrote in one of my dream bondage posts about a punishment box.  This is one form that has shown up in my dreams.

As for the drawing, I have one that isn't cropped at the legs... but I added the legs as an afterthought at the last minute (I had planned to have it cut off there) and didn't like how they turned out.  I can post the "with legs" version if people want to see it.  This version feels better focused.

Thoughts on drawing...

I was doing some thinking lately about how to improve my drawings.

Most illustrations and artwork have different body proportions than "actual" life.  A lot of this dates back to the ancient Greeks and their contributions through sculpture.  For example, if you scale the head size down to 7/8ths of actual but leave the body scale at 1:1, the form looks more impressive.

Something I've also noticed through my previous forays into drawing are that most illustrated works have limbs that are more slender than they appear in a photograph (to compensate for the "TV adds 20 lbs" syndrome that happens when a 3D object is flattened out to 2D). 

Since most of my drawing so far has been based heavily upon models/photographs or in some cases, I've just flat out traced for practice, it has me asking myself (and others) a few questions.

Should I aspire for realism or shoot for the idealized/romanticized a la Sardax or Alberto Vargas' pinup art?

Should I simply let my own style "develop" as I keep going or try to change it now to make my works more attractive?

FInished another drawing yesterday

More drawing fun

Cuckold and multi-sub scenarios

Recently, on Domina and anthony's blog The Path Least Chosen they have been discussing the idea of introducing an additional sub into the mix.  This got me thinking a bit about my own D/s relationship both in the past and in the future.

Early on in our relationship when I knew that Mistress had a few kinks that fell into my list of hard limits I had given consent for her to play with other subs as long as it was merely as a Domme playing with a sub and not any romantic or emotional involvement.  She has played with at least four other subs in the 5 years we've been together and in most cases I didn't mind.  The most recent (about 18 months ago) did end up bothering me.  She had changed jobs and our schedules didn't line up very well, so we didn't have much quality time available to us.  Someone on a fur fetish forum contacted me and after some discussion we negotiated a trade.  She would peg him and he would give her a fur coat.  It started out as a casual friendship with some planned out play days but eventually Mistress started spending almost all of her free time with him and I would end up babysitting her son.  This started to hurt my feelings after a while and I voiced that opinion to her.  The idea was that I was to remain her number one and instead we ended up having no play together over the course of a couple of months and she played a couple of times a week with the new guy.  Eventually he found a vanilla girlfriend and that pretty much ended that.  This freedom for her to play eventually led to her drunken attempt to peg one of our vanilla friends while we had a group of friends over last October that I wrote about.  I'm not quite sure my feelings upon having any type of outside relationship with another male sub at this point.


However, as is probably visible in my drawings, my mind has been delving into the realm of adding a female sub into the mix.

A couple of years ago she posted a profile on collarme seeking a female sub to add into the mix but we had little luck.  She would get about 25 male subs a day asking if they could do it and a total of one female sub replied, who happened to be a woman that we had already met with before and rejected us because she didn't find me attractive (even though what we were working towards wasn't any type of involvement with me).  Mistress is bi and has had sexual and kinky experiences with other women in the past.

I guess what I've realized is that I would like to work towards a scenario similar to what I have written about in my "lesbian fantasy" posts.  It is actually something I would like to have happen pretty badly and I would be willing to relinquish my role as number one sub if this were to come about.

A femsub to serve Mistress and outrank me, one that is rather mean in her attempt to dominate Mistress's attention.  Of course, there would have to be fur involved :)

Mistress and I haven't quite healed our relationship fully yet but I think this is something I would like to speak about more seriously in the future.  I should add that I do know that the thought of this type of situation does turn her on quite a bit.

Reflections on fur

Mistress ended up having to work tonight when she thought she had it off.  It gets lonely, especially on weekends.  In case anyone has ever wondered, this is why I am usually only available to blog three to four nights a week, as I don't blog when she is home.


Something else has caught my memory from my chat with Miss Lilly the other night.  I was speaking a bit about the forced feminization in my relationship and reflecting upon it I stated something along the lines of:  if I had known that it would become such a large part of my sexuality I may have refused it from the start.

I was thinking again tonight about how this came into being and I wondered how different things would have been if I had done that.

My primary fetish involving fur always has been for women wearing it.  How different would I be now if I simply served a Venus in furs and the humiliation aspects of forced crossdressing hadn't been involved?

Honestly, I think I would be okay with it but I don't think my level of submission would be as deep as it is now nor the breadth of activities that I arouse me.

Considering that each of the Dommes I have served have seemingly "kept going where the other left off" in terms of using my fur fetish in a twisted way to turn me into a sissy, I have to wonder if others would have kept the same path or not.

Being "too submissive"

I'm feeling good enough to start blogging for real again.  The impulses of negativity that had been ruining my days over the past month or two have silenced since yesterday and while I'm not a bundle of energy or anything, I'm feeling a whole lot better to my core.

Over my years in the lifestyle, two times I have been rejected by Dommes I was courting on the grounds that I was "too submissive."  I'm guessing this was their way of voicing that my need for a very intense level of dominance was beyond what they would get turned on by doing, or it could have just as easily been a nice way of saying they weren't attracted to me.

I'm curious as to people's thoughts on this idea.  Is there such a thing as "too submissive?"  It's not like I am looking for a lifestyle in a stone dungeon chained to the wall 24-7 being fed scraps and going to the bathroom in a rusty bucket in the corner. 

When I really think about it, I think what they must have meant in these cases is that they didn't think I would bring enough to the table in terms of the relationship aspect of things.  At least, that is my best guess.  They didn't want to be relied on all the time to make the decisions of where to eat, what we do, etc. and that I wouldn't have enough of an opinion or be interesting enough in that regards.

I guess I'm not quite sure.  When in "courting mode" I project myself as being very flexible and I guess in some cases it's probably too flexible.  I am someone that has a lot of interests and hobbies and a strong opinion on many things... but willing to fore go them unless asked.

I can see cases for this description where kink overlap is the issue or if someone has the personality of a doormat, but in the cases that I've had it used to describe me I don't think either was the case.

I guess I'm looking for opinions on this one.  What would describing someone as "too submissive" mean to you?

The road to recovery

Well, things seem to be looking a bit upward in a good way.  The weather still sucks but Friday I felt better emotionally than I did on Thursday and that breaks a huge string of (20+) days where I felt progressively worse. 
It seems that going through my thoughts in the "Have I always been submissive?" post and chat with Miss Lilly helped steer me towards a better emotional direction.

Another practice portrait

Well, this one was supposed to turn into something else... but I just couldn't get the Domme that was supposed to be in the picture to look right and I was much happier with how the other woman turned out.  I guess it ended up as a another practice portrait since this picture was the inspiration for what it was supposed to be.

A practice portrait

I stumbled across a picture last night and I immediately wanted to draw it.  I thought it turned out fairly well.

Another new drawing

I drew this with some of the details from my post on Jan 12th of Revisiting the Lesbian Fantasy in mind.

In this fantasy scenario I was envisioning a Domme with two subs, one female and one male.  The femsub outranks the male sub and receives preferential treatment.  Her role is more of a nymphette sex kitten to the Domme while the male sub takes care of the tedious chores and receives the harshest beatings.  If the Domme uses the male sub sexually it's either for cunnilingus or strap-on play.

Their behavior is rewarded differently. Based on the femsub's performance she will be allowed more or fewer orgasms per day.  Based on the male sub's performance he will have more or fewer days until his next chastity release.

The Domme keeps them in "matching" maid's uniforms, with the male sub's uniform having adjustments to increase humiliation.

Have I always been submissive?

This writing is a bit of catharsis to me...

A recent chat with a Miss Lilly, author of a newer blog called I Lead Him, led to the question if I have always been submissive towards women/girls.

Reflecting upon my past interactions with women, especially during my high school years, has taken on a bit of different perspective now than it has since i last thought about it.

During my mid to late teen years the majority of my closest friends were girls.  It was probably a 60/40 split.  Back then I was seen as a "good guy," and I had a fairly large social circle since I frequently had parties, could always make everyone laugh, played in bands, and used/abused drugs and alcohol.  I was someone that people would talk to about their problems since I was a good listener and was able to give objective and insightful advice to what was going on.  I was also able to find their good qualities and help build up their self-esteem.

I always made myself available to anyone and when the chips were down, people knew they could count on me to be there for them.  Unfortunately this often opened me up to being used or taken advantage of by some people.  At other times, people would treat me like their best friend when things were going bad but then never make time for me when things were going good.  I call this being a "foul weather friend."  This seemed to be most common with my women friends.  I often felt like I was the shoulder to cry on between boyfriends.

At the time I was firmly convinced that I was just being a good guy... good friend, etc. and I was being taken advantage of.  Now that I look back on things I know I wasn't as good of a guy as I thought I was but that path led me to my life as a submissive.

I was painfully single for most of high school and much of college.  I know deep down I craved nothing more than to be loved and as Rob in the movie High Fidelity said "Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition."  Unfortunately that disposition for me had set in at around age 14. No one my age seemed to find me attractive (although women twice my age and for some reason, effeminate gay males, seemed to like me).   

I think much of why I was the way that I was... willing to go out of my way for others... was fear of loneliness.  I wanted to be someone that other people wanted in their lives.  I wanted to be someone that a woman wanted to love.  That's not to say the behavior was forced... it was quite genuine at the time: it's who I wanted to be as a person.  When I look back, somewhere down the line I must have started projecting that I was that guy who would be there for anyone at any time.  Sure, there were people that took advantage of me but at the same time, I realize now how much I needed them.  I'm sort of glad that I had them in my life for even a brief period even if it meant I was going to feel betrayed later.


This was especially painful with my women friends.  Back then I made a philosophical pact with myself to never fall for a woman simply based upon physical attractiveness.  I didn't want to be shallow or superficial since I didn't want to be judged for shallow or superficial reasons.  I decided to not fall for a woman until I got to know her pretty well and enjoyed who she was deep down.  This made me aspire to be someone that was caring, nurturing, courteous, polite, and reliable.  I wanted them to see me deep down and want to be with me because of that.  Unfortunately this led to several awkward times where I fell for women friends.  In those cases it was sort of like I was the guy in the Onion's article:  But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them


The women that used me when they needed me, was it really so one-sided?  When I look back at it now I think I still needed them just as much.  I needed them for the hope that I could be loved, either by one of them or they would talk me up so highly to one of their friends that the friend would be interested in me.  I was pretty fucking desperate back then, but does that mean I was a bad person?  It doesn't really matter really but as I thought through this a lot of the pain I had been carrying since I was younger has seemed to ease up quite a bit.

As I went through this I realized that this is really what set in motion my trip towards being a submissive.  To do whatever it takes to please her, to make her smile, to make her feel good, to make her feel loved.  As the years progressed my ideals grew beyond the emotional aspects of the relationship.  To please her sexually, to give her ultimate bliss, to do whatever it took to satisfy her needs. 

I became someone that was willing to sacrifice everything about myself for love.  To feel loved was (and is) my one true need.  

I'm not sure if that's where my arousal towards feeling used/replaceable stems from, but it makes sense that way.  That's the role I ended up having to many of the women I was attracted to during my teens.  Is that why it has become something that turns me on?  I'm not sure.

What I can say is that it looks like I trained myself to be a submissive.

I'm copying/pasting that onion article here as it's pretty funny and pretty much exemplifies the power that women can wield over men.
From:  http://www.theonion.com/articles/but-if-we-started-dating-it-would-ruin-our-friends,11473/

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

By Kimberly Pruitt
June 9, 2009 | ISSUE 45•24

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

A Woman's Work is Never Done... Unless...

I did another drawing based upon Lady Grey's "A Woman's Work is Never Done... Unless She Owns a male slave" suggestion and continued it as a theme.

I also made some modifications to the last drawing to meet her request for having the sissy chained to the snow shovel.  I also added a dog tether that is meant to lead to an ankle cuff.  The tether would have turned out better as chain but chains take a very long time and are difficult to make any changes. 

Life still sucks hehe

I had thought I was starting to get my "groove" back but after a few things at work and Mistress relapsing into her BPD they seem to have taken another down-turn.

It's really quite frustrating to know that these emotions and thoughts are false yet being unable to overcome them while they are happening.  Having to choke back tears when some crappy sentimental commercial shows up on TV isn't what I'd consider one of my finer moments.

Hopefully something good will happen soon to help turn things around.  Until then I'll still be "part-time" on blogging in order to avoid using the internet as a crutch.

Lesbian Femdom Fantasy Drawing

I finished another drawing today that I think for the most part turned out rather well for my current abilities.

It sort of covers the Lesbian fantasy that I have written about in the past and Lady Grey's post on The Appeal of Disinterest.

 This is also my first drawing where I tried to add some sort of hand-drawn background (rather than just using clip art or pre-fab CG).

I was going to have a sign hanging on the wall but I wasn't really motivated to think up something clever and Femdom to have on it.  If anyone has any ideas I will add them to the drawing.  If you have ever been to someone's home that had like a circular embroidered sign hanging on the wall that said something like "Home Sweet Home" or another cliché... I'm going for what the Domme of the house might have hanging on the wall announcing their lifestyle.  If I come up with something I may add it but I'm open to suggestions.

I've also added Lady Grey's suggestion for the sign on the wall.  I also added some window frost and poorly drawn icicles.  Lastly, the sub's butt didn't turn out quite right so I fiddled with it for longer than I'd like to admit and it still doesn't look right... but now in a different way than before.

Failed attempt at perspective

Well, I finished another drawing this evening that took me way longer than I'd like to admit.

I set out to try and do a "Domme towering over her sub" type perspective drawing, trying to get the sub's view looking upwards at her looming over him... but alas, I failed quite badly in that regards.

I do think it turned out fairly okay, but not quite what I was going for.

On the plus side, I only used a model for about 30% of the Domme's body and drew everything else free-hand and I have to say the result was much better than my previous attempts at doing that.

Drawing

I have a new drawing with two variations.  The chains are soooooo time consuming to draw/arrange.  The Y-chain is intended to connect to a cock ring at the bottom.

It seems like there's lots of forced sissy art done with shorts (instead of a skirt/dress) so I figure I would give it a try.