Kink, Society, and Emotional Damage

It's very common within the BDSM community to encounter others that have endured a significant amount of emotional damage over the years.  While there are those that just embrace kink with a clear conscience, these individuals are often the minority.

If you are new to the lifestyle or searching for a partner, it's good to keep this in mind.  

I have had a lot of Lesbian friends over the years.  I'm not really sure how it happened but the majority of my closest friends over the years have usually been women and I was usually someone they felt comfortable talking with, so even those that weren't publicly gay would still share that fact with me.  I have had a few homosexual male friends as well.  What's relevant about this is that I have seen a lot of similarities between homosexuality and those that engage in the D/s lifestyle.

We could debate nature vs. nurture into the ground but I have learned to accept a few things as being common across the two:
-No one really chooses to be this way.  It is just part of who we are.
-We can't make it "go away."
-There are those that know what they are naturally and those that "discover this" about themselves later on.

It is the last statement that is at the heart of this post.  Based upon my experiences with many people in the BDSM community as well as homosexuals of both gender, I have come to believe that there's two types of people in both lifestyles:
-People who were that way from day one (or as early as they can remember).  aka Nature.
-People who became that way over time in response to the experiences they had during their developmental years.  aka Nurture.

This means you will find Dominants and submissives both of a natural demeanor and those that have become this way as a result of external factors.  If you are lucky enough to find someone of a natural demeanor they will usually (but not always) carry less emotional baggage.

Something interesting I have found is that there are a lot of differences across genders in societal expectations and how those affect kink-role development.

Women:

-Women tend to be more in tune with themselves sexually at an earlier age.  They tend to accept themselves more easily.  It is easier for them to talk with close friends about their sexuality and kinky things without fear or being rejected or ostracized.  This puts them in a position to experiment and learn what they like and don't like through real world experience.  They are also more likely to accept any kink they might embrace and be secure with their sexuality.  

-Social norms and mores developed over the past two-thousand years in western society have only recently been challenged and are still in the process of changing.   The traditional women's role is one of holding a lesser station in life while being physically and intellectually inferior.  While this is becoming less common, it's still a frequent occurrence to find women that have been raised in this type of environment with feedback given by female authority figures echoing these sentiments.

-While society has done its best to give women equal opportunities and eliminate the "glass ceiling" it is far too profitable to keep women feeling insecure about their worth and appearance.  There is a constant pressure to be thin, wear expensive clothes and make-up, and impress with what you look like rather than who you are.  Basically, every attempt is made by commercialism to keep women's self-esteem low.

Men:

-Men are taught to be sexually insecure.  Religion teaches men to be ashamed when they masturbate.  Men have no one to talk with about their inner desires and kink.  They face sexuality alone and with constant fear of shame.  Men are more likely to spend much of their life feeling fucked up about being kinky.  He may fantasize about it for years before ever approaching it in reality.

-"Successful" men are attractive to the opposite sex.  Men are supposed to have sex with as many beautiful women as possible and try to be successful enough to bag a trophy wife. The men that do this are looked upon with respect and envy.  Sex is supposed to feel good and they are taught nothing of emotional connection or intimacy.  Men are supposed to value quantity of conquests over the quality of the experience.

-The appearance of a man's relationship is valued more highly than the actual substance of the relationship.  Men are taught that the fulfillment from sex should be from having sex itself. 

How these contribute to being dominant or submissive:

-The external factors faced by a confident women can cause a reaction that pushes her to reject the expectations of society.  She basically tells them to eat shit and now burns with an even greater fire to be in control.  This can serve as a "scale tipper" tilting her towards dominance (e.g. a man is no longer equal, but inferior).

-If a woman has her self-esteem broken down over time by external factors, she may look outward to determine her self-worth.  This can take two paths: 1. She accepts her inferiority and develops a submissive personality. 2. She fights against her insecurity and wants to be dominant (even if she is not).

-A man may wish to be dominant to be in control and to be free to interact with multiple partners.

-A man may flat out reject the societal expectations and focus on his sensitivity.  For some reason this usually tilts him towards submission.

-An insecure man may battle self-loathing for who he is vs. who he wants to be.  He may react in a couple of ways: 1. He will take out his anger and insecurity through dominance.  2. He gives in to the insecurity and becomes submissive.

Overall, while society has the ability to make a dominant woman more dominant, it also has the ability to rob her of that dominance.  It also does very little to build her up unless it's by her reaction and desire to be confident/dominant. 

While men are taught by society that it's good to be dominant, there is something to remember.  In a pack of wolves there is the alpha, the beta (the alpha's right hand man), the omega (the butt of every joke), and the rest of the pack (the majority), and there can only be one true alpha.  While they should all want to be dominant, very few are naturally dominant.  Everyone else is stuck in some no-man's-land limbo where there's expectations for who we should want to be and who we really are.

Societal expectations (and their effects on family) are something we experience pretty much every day of our lives.  It takes a long time to change us but that change is very real.  In most cases it isn't enough to steer someone to kink and their kink role but it almost always makes us predisposed to a particular kink role if the situation presents itself.

Trauma has the most immediate, significant, and long-lasting effects on a person.  It is the effects of trauma that I refer to as emotional damage.  Once it's there it's almost impossible to eliminate it and even if you can overcome it, you can never change the fact that it happened.  Emotional damage is often a large contributor to who we are and who we become in the future.

How emotional damage may affect a submissive:

-It is how a sub relates to love.  They crave abuse or to be controlled but want it to be done safely and in a loving relationship.  This is often the result of extended physical, sexual, or emotional abuse from parents or other close parties that "loved" them.

-It is what a sub has come to know and expect.  This is often rooted in a sub's self-worth and appeal to the opposite sex.  They have accepted their view of themselves and feel it is natural to be treated this way.  This is often the result of extensive discipline by a parent, humiliation in early sexual encounters, and emotional abuse.

-The sub feels like a weak person.  They feel they aren't strong enough to get by on their own and aren't smart enough to make wise decisions.  A dominant provides that direction for them.  This is often the result of extensive emotional abuse from parental figures.

-The sub feels sexually inadequate.  They believe this is the only way to please a person of the opposite sex and in turn the only way they will be loved.  This is often the result of repeated failures in dating and significant sexual humiliation during early experiences.

-Fear of abandonment.  The sub believes that any lover will leave them unless they succumb to their every desire.  This is often the result of being abandoned by loved ones and feeling at least partly responsible for it.

How emotional damage may affect a dominant:

-They must be in control.  A dominant may refuse to ever be in a situation where someone else holds control over them. This is often the result of being the victim of a violent or violent sexual attack.

-They refuse to be weak.  A dominant never wants to feel weak or helpless.  This is often the result of being the victim of a violent or violent sexual attack.  In other cases the parent they were closest to may have been the victim of extensive spousal abuse and just "put up with it."

-It is how a dominant relates to love.  They are "looking out for what is best for the sub."  If they view love as stern discipline that contributes to a person's overall well-being, development, and decision-making, this may be how they show love to someone else. 

-I hate all [gender]!.  They have had repeated and/or significant negative experiences with members of the opposite sex yet still find themselves sexually attracted to them.  This is often the result of being the victim of violent/violent sexual attacks or significant emotional abuse.

This is only a small sample of the possible situations where emotional damage has contributed towards someone's submission or dominance.  Not all individuals engaged in the D/s lifestyle will carry these kinds of wounds but they are very common.  Knowing how to deal with emotional damage can also serve as a balancing point for the other party in a yin/yang relationship and bring you closer together.  It may lead to some ups and downs along the way but these issues surface in vanilla dating as well.  I guess I just feel that D/s can be very cathartic for both parties if the right kind of complimentary relationship can be found.

Humiliation Boutique - New Sales 2 (caption drawing)

Humiliation Boutique - New Sales 1 (caption drawing)

Caption request by Kimberley.

Romantic Gestures and D/s

Below my hard shell of a cynical exterior, deep down I am a through-and-through romantic.  It was through chivalry and picturing the "perfect date" or "perfect evening" that I somehow groomed myself to a submissive mindset. 

This is a bit more difficult with D/s.  To an experienced Domme, "Romantic gestures" are often hard to perform, and even harder to find ways to have it be well-received.  This is because it's not really yours to offer, it's her's to take.  If you live in a world of established ritual and expectations, acting independently is often frowned upon. 

That doesn't mean we should stop trying.  Even when serving a strict micro-manager or uber-strict power Domme, it's still possible if you take the time to get to know what makes her tick.  This isn't always the easiest, but sometimes a certain look, saying a few simple words, or prostrating yourself in a certain way can really touch her heart.  I've always found these times to be the most rewarding in all of Femdom.  I can feel her love encircle me, her arms wrap around me as if saying "mine!" and her inner flame ignites into a blinding sun. 

I think the key to this is to vastly surpass her expectations and cater to her dominant and romantic triggers.  To find ways to give her something she never knew she wanted but loves it now that it's happened... this is never easy, but always rewarding when you succeed. 

I'm not quite sure how this looks from the outside.  Does it look like a sub over-stepping his bounds or is it more like a man madly in love and searching for new ways to show his love?  I do hope the latter as I hope this is more of a positive characteristic of mine rather than a negative trait.

Milking - Fetish and Submission Implications

This seems like a suitable follow-up topic for my last post.

For health reasons, the prostate must be discharged regularly.  The prostate will it regularly fill due to semen production but as it fills it will reduce the capacity of the bladder, causing more frequent urination.  Excessive backup can cause painful swelling of the testicles, prostate, and the plumbing that connects them.  In addition to normal build up, toxins will build up as well.  Regular discharge clears the prostate of said toxins and improves long-term health.

When long-term chastity and orgasm denial come into play, regular milking is recommended in place of normal ejaculation.  This is normally performed via prostate massage but it can be achieved in other ways, at least one of which can ruin the ability to orgasm naturally.

The appeal of milking in orgasm denial is that if done slowly and in the absence of stimulation to the penis, the prostate should discharge without an orgasm.  Sexual frustration will not be relieved and none of the post-orgasm sub-crash side effects will occur.   Since I have never been milked I cannot verify this through first-hand experience but those that practice this regularly seem to have found common results.  I have experienced non-anal milking techniques and can verify that the "slow dribble" semen discharge has the same reported results.

It's been only recently that I've really considered the possibility of being locked up in chastity for an extended period of time, so while milking has been something I've researched, it's not something that I've really thought about deeply on an emotional and submissive level. 

Looking at it now leads to a few "what if?" type fantasy questions and the potential psychological and submissive reaction.

Milking in itself is a bit humiliating and symbolic of deep dominance and submission.  The Domme wants to much to prevent you from achieving an orgasm but does value your health enough to keep your plumbing clean.  The thoughts that a man's sexual pleasure should be ignored, that his post-orgasm behavior is inferior so orgasms should be avoided, or that he should only cum while being violated all speak in some way to my submissive nature (my brain says no, my inner sub says yes).  The term "milking" itself conjures up images of a domesticated animal being drained of its fluids.

The penis as a flesh and blood dildo. 

Most Dommes I know prefer sex with an actual penis.  After a prostate milking a sub's cock can still be aroused, but it will supposedly take hours to days for it to recharge enough fluid to actually ejaculate.  So... after he is milked she can ride his cock for hours without worrying about him cumming and his unrelieved sexual frustration will grow and grow.  I can't really say much about this except that I think it's hot.

A mind fuck can be applied with this same knowledge.  If a chaste sub is promised a release and X number of minutes to jerk off and orgasm as many times as he can, milking him immediately before release will rob him of the orgasm and his attempts will be in vain, only contributing to his sexual frustration.

Creating an association. 

If a sub is only allowed any form of ejaculation (with or without an orgasm) through prostate stimulation it seems likely that a fetish association would develop over time.  In these cases the sub may equate ejaculation with anal violation and begin craving that as his primary means of sexual relief.  This would be quite a mind fuck to turn a man who once craved sex into a sub that shakes his ass and wants to be pegged via strap on.  I doubt many Dommes would actually want this to happen, but I'm sure there are at least a handful. 

A different kind of association.

This might seem a little bit unfair in some ways, but if enough negative reinforcement were placed on a sub's post-orgasm behavior, and his deeply submissive state while mired in prolonged sexual frustration were to be positively reinforced, it could be possible to make a sub actually prefer to denied orgasm.  I think this is a two-sided coin in that I would guess that a Domme would be proud of a sub's self-control if he preferred to serve her well without an orgasm.  On the flip-side, a sub that doesn't crave an orgasm is probably a bit boring and less fun to fuck with.

Putting it all together.

What I can realistically gather from these ideas are that in most cases, turning the sub's cock into a human dildo of great endurance is probably a good thing, yet reducing the sub to an ass slut or robbing a sub's desire to orgasm probably aren't desirable outcomes.  Thus, there is a delicate balance to find. 

From what I can gather:
-A sub should receive enough penile stimulation or actual orgasms (even if infrequent) to keep him craving them. He can be kept further off balance if shame is associated with actual stimulation or orgasm.

-Milking should be unpleasant.  This can cover both physical and emotional angles.  Uncomfortable restraints, a ritual beating before and/or after, and humiliation could see to that outcome. 

-Chastity periods between orgasm should be of a known duration.  That's not to say that the duration can't change due to reward or punishment, but having a set date will keep the sub's anticipation for his next orgasm up and prevent him from defaulting into an undesirable state.

As a sub, I can say that my deep subspace persona starts to hate itself both immediately before and after climax for my loss of focus and obedience.  This gives milking some appeal when thinking as a sub.

Revisiting Chastity

I know I have posted about chastity in the past and it seems to surface every so often.  I had a chat the other day with an ex-Mistress.  We parted on okay terms so it's nice every now and then to chat.  It's also interesting to note how we have both changed over the years.  She has remained extremely dominant for many many years but something that she has developed more recently (since our relationship ended) is mandatory chastity.  We toyed with it a bit when we were together but due to significant discomfort we reserved the chastity device for play and I was on the honor system when she wasn't present.

We only talk every few months or so but she has gotten more and more hard line on this topic as time has progressed.  Her stance is that an erect penis makes all boys naughty. A good sub isn't naughty.  Sexual frustration and desperation increase obedience.  To have a well-behaved and extremely obedient sub he should be kept locked in chastity.

To be honest, when she first started gravitating this way she started to scare the shit out of me... the strength of her belief had become unshakable and enforced chastity became a major turn on for her.  I honestly think that if her (now an adult) son were 13 years old again in the present tense, she would probably have locked him up and waited until he had a girlfriend to whom she would have given the key under the direction that he should only unlock him if he's been obedient.

She is not someone that believes in permanent chastity.  She enjoys watching a penis throb in anticipation. She enjoys watching a male orgasm.  She enjoys intercourse with a live human cock that is still attached to a man's body.  She's not anti-cock. She's not the type that would make a device permanent with welding or epoxy.  She just thinks a cock should be locked up, but that it should also be released (when it deserves to be).   If you talk to her about chastity she talks like it should be as natural as eating, breathing, and regular personal hygiene. 

I can see how I have changed because she's no longer scary.  Chastity plays heavily into my subspace triggers and some of my more major turn-ons (e.g. humiliation via teasing and taunting).  That being said, I generally love to orgasm, which turns me into an oxy-moron and I would not classify myself as a chastity enthusiast.

A few things are standing out to me now that didn't before.  I believe that the reason chastity turns her on is because she would only deal with subs that want to get erect and want to orgasm.  It gets her off to take that away, especially if he hates it.  Yes, she is of the "loves it because he hates it" disposition.  Coincidentally, my own submission is strongly drawn to the "she loves it because he hates it" style of dominance and I feel like this is starting to create an erotic chastity association with me. 

The other thing is that I haven't been in true subspace very often over the past two years.  I have been able to self-induce it through fantasy but the lack of a D/s dynamic in our current relationship has made these deep, rewarding experiences few and far between.  What I have found lately is that if I finally reach a deep level of subspace when it gets time to cum, I almost beg not to as I am hit in the face by the realization that this feeling will crash and it will be an indefinite amount of time before it happens again.  All of a sudden long-term orgasm denial has become appealing since I can keep my submissive feelings and obedience for a longer period of time. 

It kind of makes me feel fucked up when I think about it.

Slave Competition Game #8 - Hold the Books

This will probably be my last game idea unless inspiration strikes.  Dealing with my dysfunctional family this week has led me to a rather dismal state of mind.  Please forgive the piss poor drawing, it's only meant for example.

This is a variation of the bell game I posted as a comment on Lady Grey's post, Roadblocks.

I'm going to go ahead and pull out all the stops here and include all of the variations to increase difficulty as part of the idea, so this could be made as easy or difficult as you would want it to based upon what gets included and excluded.

Needs: 
-Blindfold
-Collar with jingle bells hanging from it (or a snug fitting elastic choker with bells)
-Wrist and ankle cuffs with jingle bells hanging from them (or snug fitting elastic with bells)
-Nipple clamps with jingle bells hanging from them.
-Ball parachute with an attached weight and jingle bells.
-2+ large heavy books.  Phone books are probably the safest and they are free.

-Have the subs stand with their legs spread (the wider they are spread the harder this will be) and their arms extended outwards and their palms facing upward. 

-Place 1 or more books on each hand. 

-The subs are to hold the books at shoulder height and stay still.  If a book is dropped on the floor or lowered below the nipples they are disqualified.

-If a bell rings the sub will receive a quick stinging swat with a crop to each ass cheek.  If a bell rings while receiving the swat they shall get another swat until they can sturdy themselves enough to take a swat without ringing a bell. (Swats with items heavy enough to move the sub's center of gravity will probably make them drop the books right away so a lighter spanking tool is recommended). 

-The last sub holding their books up wins. 

Slave Competition Game #7 - Human Crane

-Dangle a strong magnet by a string from the bottom of a ball parachute so that it is roughly ~14-16" from the floor. Strong magnets can be found at science supply stores or a larger object such as a magnet bar designed to hold kitchen knives to the wall could be used. 

-Place ~5 metal objects on the floor that will conduct magnetism.  They can be of varying sizes and weights or all the same.  Heavier will cause more strain, smaller will be more difficult to pick up.  Fishing weights would be relatively inexpensive and be both heavy and small, but I'm not sure if they would all conduct magnetism.

-Restrain the sub's hands behind his back.

-Star a timer.

-The sub must hover over the object on the floor and squat down low enough to have the magnet touch the object and pick the object up.

-The sub that picks up all of the items off the floor in the fastest time, wins.

-If a sub falls down or his knee or butt touches the ground he will be disqualified. 

-For added difficulty items like nipple clamps or clothes pins will make it more difficult to concentrate.  A posture collar would make it more difficult for the sub to see the objects on the floor with any amount of precision so he may have to scoot around while squatting.

Just what is subspace?

I received a request to try and adequately describe what subspace is.  I'm not sure if I can do this or not, but I'm going to give it a try.  While there may be some medical connection of subspace to the production of certain brain chemicals and those brain chemicals may have some addictive qualities, I'm not well-versed enough in what those may be so I'm going to steer clear of it for now and it probably isn't really relevant to this post anyways.

Subspace reduces someone to a child-like state of focus.  In this state the Domme becomes the sub's whole world in the same way that a young child might feel like his parents are the whole world.

He will define himself in terms of her.  Her behavior towards him and her reactions to his actions will determine how he feels about himself.  The morality of this world is determined by what brings her pleasure and displeasure.   

The feelings are difficult to describe but it's like your soul is overwhelmed by your love for her and the only thing that matters is what she desires.  It is a total surrender to her will.  In this state the world makes total sense.

While subspace and arousal are heavily linked, they are not the same thing.  e.g. Rubbing a man's cock will get him aroused but it doesn't mean he's in subspace.  Once subspace is introduced, arousal and subspace can often feed one another in a loop with deeper subspace leading to greater arousal and greater arousal leading to deeper subspace. 

Subspace has varying degrees at any time that can be "shallow" or "deep" depending upon the situation.  It's a lot like being drunk.

Early levels: Willing surrender (equivalent to being tipsy).
Middle levels: Desperation to please (equivalent to being drunk).
Deeper levels: Loss of self and independence (equivalent to being wasted). 

No subspace at all is the equivalent of being sober.
**Note: I am not comparing subspace to intoxication, just that the intensity of subspace varies from mild to extreme in a similar way and it is usually a process of moving deeper or more shallow. 

Environmental variables have a lot of control over subspace.  These are often symbolic or developed through association but they can be used to trigger subspace or deepen it.  A collar is an easy example of this.  If a Domme orders the sub to get his collar it may trigger an immediate drop into subspace or push him into deeper levels of subspace.  Rules and fear of punishment can also trigger subspace even if the Domme isn't immediately present.  With certain things in place, it's possible to create a subspace loop without that will perpetuate itself within the sub.

Depth of subspace often affects what a sub is willing to endure and enjoy. If deeper levels of subspace are reached, the sub is more likely to willingly submit to more extreme/intense activities.  He may hate something physically but love it emotionally because of subspace.  If he is in an earlier stage of subspace he may (want to) reject an activity outright but when in deeper stages of subspace it may turn him on.  The deeper the subspace, the narrower his vision will become and at its deepest stages, he can only see her. 

Orgasms can affect the difficulty of achieving subspace.  The more recent the orgasm, the more difficult it can be to return to subspace and reach its deeper levels.  This is why many Dommes create a post-orgasm ritual or activity to eliminate or reduce this down time. 

Subspace can be addictive. A sub may not only crave to be in subspace, but as he progresses, he will inevitably desire ever deepening levels of subspace.  Ideally this progression will mirror the Domme's desire to escalate their D/s relationship to greater levels but this is not always the case. 

Overall, I guess subspace could be described as the intensity of emotional surrender a sub feels towards his Domme.

And yes... this post was woefully inadequate at capturing just what makes the feeling of subspace so "magical."

Dominant Anger vs. Out of Control Emotion

There is a fine line when discipline becomes abuse.  The defining characteristic between the two often stems from the state of mind a Domme is in when they occur.  Symbolically, this serves as a strong representation of dominance vs. bitchiness. 

There's a lot of women out there that will throw a fit if they don't get their way.  These are usually vanilla couples but the woman finds ways to break her man down over time until his behavior resembles submission.  I'm sure you have all seen this before, but I'm also sure that you wouldn't describe these women as "dominant." 

I often describe this contrast as "Queen vs. Princess," and I feel this serves as the dividing line between discipline/punishment and abuse.  A Queen rules calmly.  She may be strict and punish severely for rules infractions, but it is governed by principles.  When she is wronged she voices her displeasure and may manifest that displeasure through physical punishment. A Princess is a slave to her emotions.  When they erupt she reacts immediately and without restraint.  Simple displeasure may appear as anger and hatred until her mood calms. 

This has great implications when looking at the D/s dynamic. 

The calm Queen exerts dominance.  A sub's natural response is submission and order is restored.
The explosive Princess throws tantrums.  A sub's natural response to her attacks is defensiveness and fear. 

This is not to say that a Domme can't lose her cool, but ideally this is either a special case, isolated incident, or something that has been "built up to" through D/s interaction.  If a sub makes a chronic mistake for say, the tenth time and it has something the Domme has actively tried to correct, it is reasonable to assume that her intense disappointment will likely bring about a stronger reaction than if this was the first occurrence of an accidental oversight by the sub.  If she is in the act of punishing and releasing some pent up anger over a sub's infractions, for her to lose herself in the moment and build intensity as she goes, this isn't necessarily a bad thing and it will often lead to some of the more intimate and rewarding D/s activities in its aftermath.  These activities generally contribute to the overall D/s dynamic of the relationship.  While the Domme may be hurting the submissive, her love protects any serious damage from happening on both an emotional and physical level.

When out-of-control emotions take over from the start, the end result is usually damaging to the relationship and these are the cases where abuse can surface. 

Gift Giving

I love to give gifts and I am often given credit as being a great gift giver so I thought I would share my thoughts on giving gifts.  I realize this would have been a more useful post a few days/weeks ago, but the inspiration didn't hit me until last night.

It's the thought that counts.   That being said, it's important to remember, it's the thought that counts. 

DO NOT give... a vegetarian a gift certificate to a steakhouse, a recovering alcoholic a membership in a beer/wine of the month club, a paraplegic tap dancing shoes, a deaf person an ipod, or a blind person a new TV.  This kind of gifting falls into the category of "thoughtless" and will undoubtedly hurt feelings.  Some of these examples might seem extreme, but there's tons of lesser examples that fall into this category as well.

DO NOT give a gift that implies a not-so-subtle HINT unless you know damn well it is consistent with what they actually want.  e.g. don't give a smoker nicotine patches unless they've said they are actively trying to quit, don't give a woman a membership in a weight loss meal club unless they've said they wanted that, a balding man a hair club membership unless they've said that they wanted that, etc.  While you might think you have their best interests in mind, it's insensitive, shitty, and passive aggressive.  You are projecting what you think they'd want when in actuality you are hurting their feelings.

It's the thought that counts is hard to adhere to unless you think about what the implied thought actually is.  This thought shouldn't be what you think they should be, but an understanding of who they are and what they like. 

As you get older people are less likely to say "I want X or Y," and this is why it's often easier to shop for children.  Giving a good gift is easy even though it might seem difficult.  The more time you spend with someone the easier it is to find the perfect specific gift.  For people you see infrequently (such as extended family) your gift will rarely be perfect, but it can be very good by simply exercising your existing knowledge of their interests and translating that to gift form.

Distant in-law #1 you know loves to micro-brew.  You have no idea about micro-brewing.  A gift certificate to an online store specializing in micro-brewing supplies and ingredients will be superior to a gift certificate to Kohls. 

In-law #2 has a serious collection of art-house films on DVD/Blu-Ray.  You have no idea what they have and don't have.  A gift certificate to a store that stocks Criterion collection movies (such as Barnes & Noble or an online store), to a local theater that specializes in independent and foreign films, or even a Netflix subscription (if they already have one it will just stack on their current subscription and save them money) should go over better than getting them something completely unrelated or taking a stab in the dark on a movie they may already own or didn't like. 

When all else fails, you can always ask.

For people you see more frequently this can be a lot easier since you have a regular glimpse into their day to day life. A good gift for them splits into three categories:
1. Something you know they want (and/or related items).
2. Something you know they need but haven't purchased for themselves.
3. Something that shows that you know them and what they like.

#3 is basically the same as my previous examples.

#2 probably won't seem as appreciated right off the bat but you will likely get repeated thank you's down the line.  e.g. if you know they eat a lot of rice but generally boil it on the stove, a rice cooker is an easy gift that just about everyone can use and appreciate.  If you share rides and know their windshield wipers suck, drop for a pair of top of the line Bosch Icon wipers (make sure you get the year/model of their car before doing this). 

#1 is easy since it's already been known.  If you plan to get them more than you know they already want or you know someone is already getting them the "big" one, build off of that idea.  If she wanted a specific coat, in addition to the coat go after a matching hat, scarf, and gloves that are consistent with her style.  If he wanted a Dewalt Cordless drill, an extra battery and charging station always comes in handy.  These serve as a great complimentary gift and will make them think of you each time they use the item, even if you weren't the one that bought the big one. 

Re-gifting a bad gift or gifting something you got for free only works if the item is perfect for someone else or you really don't care what they think of you.

Remember that it's the thought that counts... but it's the thought that counts.  I received a bottle of booze from my relatives for the fourth consecutive year this year when I haven't had a drink in over 10 years and haven't had more than 1 drink in a sitting in over 15 years... and earlier this year I even told them that I don't drink at all when they wondered why I wasn't having wine with dinner.  At least booze can usually be re-gifted without hurting anyone's feelings but my own.

If you are a sub buying a gift for your Mistress, it's usually not recommended to buy any BDSM gear unless she picked something out that she specifically wanted.  Submissive fantasies often skew the gifting process if you choose one on your own. 

100 Followers... almost

I had a small charge of excitement this morning when I logged into my blogger dashboard and saw my follower count at 100.  Then I remembered that I was following my own blog (I'm lame like that) and that counted in the number so I guess I'm still at 99.

After 21 months and 370 posts I've almost reached that milestone.

A big thank you to everyone that reads my blog, posts comments, and follows.  I hope your holidays are happy and safe.

BDSM Concept - Meta-Consent

I have made several posts regarding the idea of meta consent, a term that I will credit Giles English of Chastity Belt Erotica for coining in the comments of one of my earlier related posts.

We all know that the foundation of most BDSM-oriented relationships is consent.  In its most basic form, a submissive consents to be involved in certain activities with a Domme and the Domme consents to being involved with certain activities with the sub.  In the BDSM community it is considered poor etiquette to expect or perform activities that fall outside of negotiated limits.  e.g. A Domme isn't supposed to force a sub to have sex with another man unless that was previously agreed upon.  A sub isn't supposed to expect a Domme to shit on his chest unless that was previously agreed upon.

Meta consent is a state where a sub consents to submitting to a Domme and in doing so, agrees to bear whatever she may do to him.  Meta consent is usually reserved for more intense lifestyle Femdom relationships and Mistress/slave relationships.  This generally requires quite a bit of trust by the sub that she will exercise good judgement and not subject him to things that may cause significant physical or emotional harm. 

Basically, meta-consent consents to remove the need for consent for specific actions/activities, which I believe is a bit different from being non-consensual.  This can often be a significant hurdle for Dommes if the two get confused. 

In many situations, meta consent can lead to deeper levels of subspace by instilling fear of the unexpected and awareness that limits are no longer in play.  In actual execution, limits are usually pushed and stretched and gradually increased over time rather than being abruptly shattered as this is in accordance with sound judgement in order to avoid PTSD. 

Transfer of Power (caption drawing)

How important is it for a Domme to understand a male's submission?

Something that has nagged at me a bit over the past few years is the importance of a Domme understanding the root of a male's submission.  A better way of wording this might be: how well she understands his subspace triggers.

My Mistress was somewhat of a novice when we met.  She had read books and writings on the consensual BDSM lifestyle but her background was mostly one of assuming every sub was a masochist and that every Domme should get off from spanking her sub.  We have talked about things at length but concepts like mind fucking and maintaining subspace just don't happen naturally for her.

And for the question at hand, how important is it for a Domme to understand subspace triggers?

I can see two sides to this that pretty much epitomize the two sides of the D/s lifestyle (consensual vs. more of a meta-consent 24/7-ish style that I will call "hardline Femdom").

From a hardline Femdom standpoint, the understanding is unnecessary.  It is more the sub's role to understand her dominance and expectations.  She should do as she pleases and he should follow suit and do his best to make her happy at all costs.

From a consensual standpoint, the understanding is of great importance.  For both individuals to achieve fulfillment in the relationship, they should be able to connect on many levels, especially this one.  If an understanding of a male's subspace triggers isn't reached or if the male doesn't understand the Domme's dominance, the relationship isn't a good fit and they should search for other partners.

In theory, I would like to believe that the hardline Femdom view is reasonable.  In theory.  In actual practice, the consensual approach is probably closer to what can sustain a successful relationship.  But the more that I think about it, I think I really went after the wrong question here.

If I had to guess what some of the more intense Dommes I have known would have probably said about this subject... that understanding a male's subspace triggers is of utmost importance, but using that knowledge for anything beyond exerting control is of little importance.  Basically:  use it to get his dick hard so he falls into subspace, shove him deeper into subspace so he can serve properly, and then ignore his penis unless it's part of what she wants to do.  From a sub's standpoint, if the right types of subspace triggers are applied, it is likely that he will feel the submission he seeks and be fulfilled in serving.

If I did answer the wrong question I guess I'm not sure why this seemed confusing to me.  Other questions surrounding this topic are relatively easy to answer.  I guess I'm just trying to get a grasp on my own relationship and whether or not it can actually work in the long run. 

New Poll: What type of suffering do you prefer?

I haven't posted a poll in a while.  The reason I removed the old polls and haven't really created new ones was because I wanted people to be able to vote for them over an extended period of time.  Unfortunately, when I kept extending the time limit older votes began to vanish from the poll.  This one will have a 2-week run.

The poll question is directed at both Dommes and subs in relation to emotional vs. physical suffering.

I'm curious if you have one that floats your boat more than the other or if you prefer to have both involved when suffering occurs.

Some examples of activities I would consider emotional suffering:
-Corner time
-Scolding
-Speech / eye contact restrictions
-Humiliation
-Mind fucking


Some examples of activities I would consider physical suffering:
-Spanking / flogging
-Bondage
-Orgasm denial / chastity
-CBT
-Nipple torture

Sexual Frustration as a Domination Tool

In the past I have written about the post-orgasm subspace crash and the difficulty for a sub to get "back on track" in its aftermath.  I have also touched upon some of the characteristics of prolonged orgasm denial but I don't think I've gone very in depth about it.

So what exactly happens with denial and the resulting sexual frustration?

In small doses, a male kept on edge will increase in focus and attentiveness.  This is one situation where the male cock actually helps obedience more than it hurts it.  The cock has its innate desire to cum and correctly leads the sub to behave in accordance with what should make that happen.

What about when small doses become large doses, when that intense desire begins to grow beyond the typical male arousal?

It's hard to really describe this as it's a gradual process.  There are several factors that all build up together.  The early stage (stage 1) can be characterized by:
-Arousal surfaces more easily and more frequently.  This will increase the sub's awareness of his own sexual frustration and what it will take to release.

-Focus increases, he will become more in tune with the desires of his Domme.  He is sure that good behavior will lead to release.
-His body's awareness will heighten, smell and touch will become more sensitive.  The slightest hint of sexuality will cause his body to tingle.  The nipples become perky and sensitive.

As prolonged denial continues, more changes happen (stage 2):
-He will gradually become desperate.  It will take less to make him agitated and anxious.
-His emotions will be magnified, especially in regards to the excitement brought about by anticipation and the suffering caused by disappointment.

If the pattern continues and emotional pressure is applied, the sub can be pressed to a deeper state (stage 3), but this may require the use of chastity: 
-He will become high strung.  The smallest gesture can drive him wild with desire or to crash into the depths of despair.
-If he stops believing he will be allowed release he will either cheat or fall into a state resembling depression, a broken man, defeated, and he will attempt to abandon his own will and surrender to her. 

The advancement between stages is a process.  It requires certain parts of his emotions and submission to reach their "limit" before his psyche discovers a new level of subspace.  The speed at which this happens can be accelerated or decelerated by the Domme, but his emotional and submissive characteristics and libido will affect the overall pace of the transition.

With knowledge of the stages in place, there are ways to exert greater control and exploit his weaknesses.  This is especially effective if trying to change his behavioral patterns.

-Mind fucks will wield a significant amount of power.  His emotions will be thrown into complete disarray and he will react with a mix of panic and desperation.  This is a prime state if you wish to induce tears without having to lift a finger.

-His motivation and drive will be off the charts, especially if it's implied that this is the path to release.  Failure is not an option.  e.g. if he's sent on a task to pick up some obscure specialty item without guidance upon where to find it, he may spend countless hours and drive all over the place in order to find it when during normal times he may simply give up and take a punishment.

-He can be shoved into ever-increasingly deep level of subspace.  If given a glimmer of hope and having that hope crushed will advance his submission.  e.g. telling him "I was thinking and... I should let you cum... just not today should light a spark and then extinguish it, sending him into even deeper darkness.

It should be noted that monitoring his emotional state is very important the longer this process continues.  While the submissive emotional response will be magnified, so will his emotional response to external stress factors (e.g. bad day at work, road rage, etc.) and he may become angry more easily towards little things.  From my experiences, the longer this state persists, the more important it is for the Domme to be overtly loving and caring.  While she might constantly be fucking with him and keeping him an emotional wreck, spending time each day to cuddle, being gentle and intimate, while reminding him of her love for him does wonders to keep him calm and away from depression.

Saying, "I think I like you better this way," is pretty much the ultimate for causing inner emotional conflict for him.  If he begins to equate your happiness with his own denial it can shape some interesting outcomes.

I think...

I'm going to cut back on the personal posts for a bit.  I feel like some of my writing has been a bit desperate.  It's hard to describe.  Some of it has been cathartic but some of it feels a little unnatural... like I was writing just to write, hoping to feel connected to something, someone, some idea, or whatever. 

It feels like I am a bit worse off for it... and I'm probably making myself out to be a schmuck.  I'm not sure really, but if you think so, feel free to tell me that.

I don't really open up too much about myself beyond D/s on here (with the exceptions of when I'm fighting with Mistress) but I'm feeling a bit awkward and self-conscious right now... like letting certain parts of my life hang out in the open was a bad decision. I guess it's that I feel a little disappointed with myself as a person lately and I'm worried that the people that I connect with here will be disappointed in me if they see those parts of me. 

I think part of it is because blog-land has been rather quiet lately with people being busy for the holidays.  Usually I enjoy reading and trying to help and support others with feedback and comments.  I really enjoy helping others more than feeling like I need help.

This could just be me out of whack after crucifying myself on an earlier post tonight but this feeling is nagging at me.  Maybe I should just stick to BDSM theory and drawing.

Slave Competition Game #6 - Dance Off

Yet another game idea for Lady Grey's post Roadblocks.

I'm not quite sure what Patsy likes about forced fem, so I'm not sure if this will have any appeal to any of you but it might be entertaining.  This does go under the assumption that the men will at some point, be dressed up in women's clothing.

Choose a "theme song."  Each woman could choose a unique song for their sub or it could be the same song for all of them.  You may want to have some limitations on length (e.g. 3 to 4 minutes).

Each sub has to come up with a choreographed dance routine to go with the song.  The routine should be as sexy as possible and they will have to be able to perform it while dressed (I'm assuming this will involve some sort of high-heeled footwear). They will have X number of days to practice and perfect their routine.  It will probably be more fun if you don't give them any direction on what "sexy" is.

On the day of:
Turn off the background lights in the room.
Have some sort of bright lamps acting as spot lights on them.
Play the music and have each of them perform their routine one at a time.
Upon completing their dance, each woman will judge them on a scale of 1 to 10 for: sexiness, technical execution, and originality.
Highest score wins.

Variations:
-On the day of the performance, add nipple clamps or a well-placed clothes pin before they start their dance.  This should mess them up something royal.
-Have them wear some kind of eye mask that hides their identity and video tape it.  Tell them it will be going on youtube (even if you have no plan on doing that).

I have a feeling this would bring on many laughs and you may even discover some surprising creativity from the subs. 

Submissive Self-Evaluation

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life and about who I am.  This is something I constantly did in my younger days and back then I was always trying to become someone better.  It also kept me feeling a constant inadequacy.  At some point I finally matured to where I was no longer constantly forcing change... I just learned to be.

It's been a while since I delved into myself and I think I'm due for an honest look.

I'll start with the easy part.

Physically, I have many flaws.  I am short.  Not like midget short, but below average height.  I am not particularly good looking and while I'm not sure what really gets women attracted to a man, I'm definitely not a pretty boy.  My penis below average size.  I am out of shape right now.  I have a large build and I just haven't been exercising or watching what I eat over the past year or so.

In response...
I honestly can't do anything about my height or my natural build, nor my facial features.  This is just something I have accepted as me and try to make up for it in other ways (personality, obedience, etc.).  What I may lack in penis size I can thankfully make up for with endurance and effort.  That may sound like bragging but who really wants to admit they have a small dick that can go for 4+ hours?  It's more of a relief that it's not a small dick that goes for three pumps.

I just started working out again.  My body responds very quickly to exercise and I'm able to burn fat and build muscle at a crazy pace.  Within 1 month I will be much happier with myself than I am now and within 3 months I will feel good about myself.  I just wish I had the ability to drop mass.  I either have a 6-pack or a keg with nothing in between...

The thing that keeps getting worse over time are my joints and I know this affects my value as a submissive.  I played many sports growing up at a competitive level and I have managed to injure most of my joints to the point where they have become chronic and affect my day to day life and have robbed me of my flexibility.  Prolonged uncomfortable bondage isn't really possible without having the potential to cripple me for a week+.  I do just fine with being restrained for long periods, but women of the cruel nature that I so crave are more the types to restrain me twisted up like a pretzel and I may fail because of that.

I have one other large negative physical quirk that I am trying to fix/change.  I used to love the smell and taste of vaginas.  The scent was comforting to me.  The third Domme I served (for about 4 months) was a front wiper.  One day when I was chained to the bed she straddled my face and I started to lick her when all of a sudden something wasn't right and my gag reflex went off, causing me to vomit in my mouth.  This was several years ago but the scent that once made me feel warm and safe now tends to trigger my gag reflex.  We have been slowly working towards repairing this but in many ways I feel like I'm a ruined sub until this has been reversed. 

Overall:
I will get myself in shape.  The rest of it I'm kind of stuck with.  Some helpful "nudging" by Mistress would assist greatly in terms of diet and exercise, but ultimately this is up to me to take care of.  On the upside, I still look much younger than I am and I still get carded if I go to see an R-rated movie.

Personality.  This is a tough one because some of my strengths are also weaknesses.  I do have some weaknesses that are never strengths.

Sense of humor.  This is one of my defining characteristics.  I like to laugh, I have a quick wit, and I appreciate deep levels of humor.  If I'm not in subspace I can be kind of a brat sometimes and occasionally my sense of humor falls into the realm of inappropriate.  In the past I have had the brat beaten out of my through swift punishment and I learned how to keep it under control.  The downside is that I am male so it inevitably returns if not reminded every so often.

Intelligence.  This is my best friend and my worst enemy.  The positives are that I'm a fast learner, I have a great memory, and I have the ability to evaluate and analyze situations on the fly and make sound reactionary decisions.  The negatives are that I occasionally get arrogant if I get "on a roll" and I can be stubborn when I believe a certain course of action is the best or most correct choice.  While the negatives could be beaten out of me I feel stupid for not being able to control them on my own.

Work ethic.  I bust my ass to learn and master things.  I delve into every possible aspect of something and practice again and again until I perfect it.  I expect the best of  myself and I put in the effort to make it happen... but this occasionally leads me to obsession.  When I get obsessed and focused on something I inevitably fail as a human being.  Tunnel vision towards something other than Mistress is probably the worst imaginable thing to have.  As I wrote in an earlier post this week, I have no problem dropping hobbies for what I truly need and desire, so this rarely is a problem if the D/s intensity stays up and then my work ethic is a strong positive.

Honesty, integrity, and straight-forwardness.  Everyone knows what good things come from these traits but they can be ugly when honesty isn't going to go over well, integrity leads to stubbornness, and being straight-forward seems uncaring.  I need to use more care and think outwardly about others before allowing any of these traits to take over my words and actions.

Primary weaknesses... this is probably going to be one of the hardest things to write about honestly but here goes.

Insecurity.  I have abandonment issues.  These stem to my early childhood and sometimes it feels like I can't escape them.  I will do anything, endure anything, and sacrifice everything to not be left alone.  Reacting to my insecurities has led to some of my positive characteristics, but insecurity is never, ever, ever sexy.  I know that I have to be more confident with myself... believe that I am someone worth knowing, worth loving, and worth keeping... I'm just not sure with how much I'll be able to change this with things as they are.  I fear these issues will never really go away, just become less of a problem.

Depression.  God, how this has fucked up my life for as long as I can remember.  I have a fairly decent grasp on my depression, I know how to fight it off before it starts, I know how to deal with it after it has shown up, I just don't know how to get rid of it.  My depression is rooted in my abandonment issues as well as physical and emotional abuse that I received while growing up.  What makes it harder is that I go through periods of feeling "needy," and other periods where I need some form of obsession to keep my mind occupied. Thankfully I have found a way to keep my stress levels low enough to keep my ulcers under control.  They only really flare up when Mistress and I fight.

When I am at my weakest I just need to be loved.  The best therapy I have ever had for it was to be over Mistress's lap, chains locked on to show me that she wasn't going to let me go, and in a calm voice, being scolded for feeling this way and reminded that she loves me and I will be hers while she spanked me.  The last time this happened I believe I felt the most love I have ever felt for another person.

If depression does rear its ugly head... it's a tough battle for me to overcome.  I lose sex drive.  I lose motivation.  I lose hope.  Even worse, and I know I will probably come off as really fucked up when I say this, but when my depression is full on I start having severely negative thoughts that randomly jump into my head like, "I would rather be dead," or "I'm fucking worthless," often accompanied by a recollection of an event where I made a bad decision or hurt/wronged someone and now regret.  I know those thoughts aren't real, but at their worst, trying to brush them off 30+ times a day really puts a downer on everything.

Next up is a topic I dread to face, which is my station in life.

I have a four year degree from a major university.  I have been very gifted academically and finished near or at the top of my class since elementary school.  Many things indicate I should be a success in life.  My depression and insecurities have haunted me for as long as I can remember (they started at around age 5) and for most of my teen years, they almost took over my life although I continued to succeed on an academic level.  Back then I was always living in fear of an unhappy future.  When I learned to cope with my depression, it was in the form that most of my therapists had tried to get me to do all along... and that is... live day by day. 

That's what I have done.  I lived day by day but at the expense of the future.  I try not to let myself get tangled up into negative thoughts and worries about the economy, etc.  The problem is that I stopped trying to change my station in life and just tried to get by without being pulled under. 

When I graduated college I was with my first Mistress and she was ill.  I needed flexibility and money right away so instead of going and applying for careers, I took a job in a field I had interest in right out of the gate.  I did this with the fear that years later I would still be stuck in that dead end job because I was able to get by and be afraid to shake up my life and try to advance in a career.  The problem is... years later I am still stuck in that dead end job.

On some levels it is fulfilling.  I enjoy what I work with, I am very knowledgeable about it, I enjoy imparting that knowledge onto others, and it is a small business (~8 employees) where I'm able to use my problem solving skills to try and improve how things are done.  Each year I'm able to come up with several measures that end up saving $20k+ per year.  Each year my raise has been somewhere in the realm of 25 to 50 cents.  Each year at my review I'm told that there just isn't enough money flowing in to get a real raise to a decent wage.  Each year it means that there's a few weak links that continue to mismanage things so badly that we struggle to be profitable.  Each year I'm told I will be given more work that is better suited to my skill set. Each year they bring in someone new who fails at what I was supposed to be doing.  I'm reaching my burnout point and that would probably be a good thing.

I live paycheck to paycheck.  I have enough savings to cover ~2-4 major emergencies, but I'm not in a position where my income would be called "gainful." 

I am great at coming up with excuses for why I don't improve my life (the economy sucks, etc.)  The reality of it is that I'm scared to make changes when I have found a way to survive day by day.  I need to fix this.  I wish I had the support and pressure from Mistress to work at this but again, that's just an excuse for my own weakness.

I need to change for the better.  I need to find where to start so that I can make those changes without unbearable amounts of anxiety.

Lastly... I will look at myself as a submissive.

In my submission I have always tried to be like clay.  To be shaped into whatever she wanted me to be.  Lately I feel a bit like certain parts of me have been run through the kiln, taking a solid form that can no longer be changed and that the rest of me has lost its shape.  I don't know if those parts that have taken form can be changed but I hope they can be.  I also hope that Mistress is able to help reshape what has been lost.

My depression plagued me a lot this past year and my rocky relationship with Mistress did its part as well.  My impulse is no longer one to do things for her without her asking because I am often scared of how she will act towards me no matter what I do.  If decisions are left until the last minute there's no way I can fuck up.  This is a terrible, terrible state to be in for a submissive.  I'm fucking ashamed of myself for being this way.  Is it unfair for me to need the D/s dynamic for me to return to my former self?  A self where every impulse relates to her.

We had some of our first D/s activity the other day in the shower and it seemed almost foreign. 

What I can see...
I need to change.  I need to have a healthier state of mind.  I need a healthier body.  I need to be stronger. 
I wish that she would take charge and bring out the best in me.  It is weak and unfair of me to need this, I should want to be the best I can be for her.

I will keep trying.

Humiliation Boutique - Business Logic (caption drawings)

Feel free to call me a lazy artist as I didn't feel like making another drawing just to make a new caption.  The second one popped into my head as I was finishing this but I didn't want to cram it into the first one.

Humiliation Boutique - Sales Training

So I said I'd be taking a break for a while... at least from the themed stuff.  I had a bit of an adrenaline rush while writing my last post and it gave me my third wind for the day so I drew this one while winding down.

Vanessa's Dilemma

I was really wanting to write tonight as it (usually) brings me joy and peace to find something interesting to write about and hopefully discuss with others.  I was thinking about some topic ideas when I realized there was something that I think is very interesting staring me right in the face.

It is based upon a few different posts on other blogs.  It is in regards to the situation of one of Lady Grey's friends, Vanessa, and her situation with her (soon to be ex) husband/sub and contrasted by a beautifully written post by Cleo on her and Marc's blog.
Here are links to the posts:
http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/2011/01/slight-glitch.html
http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/2011/12/roadblocks.html
http://fromvanillatokinky.blogspot.com/2011/12/this-is-not-about-sex-but-its-about.html

A few things really stand out to me about this, namely, what could make a sub so useless and why that is a despicable state to reach.

When I think about it, there's two primary reasons a sub could reach a state where they were unable to function without overt direction from their Domme.

The first is that the Domme is so strict that he is afraid to act independently.
The second is that the sub's weakness of mind caved in and reached a state of complete surrender, lacking any independent personality of his own.

Now the second may be a reaction to the first, but that definitely isn't the only possible reaction.

If you are a lifestyle submissive you have to be ready at any time to fulfill any one of a number of roles for varying aspects of your relationship.

Day-to-Day:
-butler / maid / valet
-chef / waiter / bus boy / dishwasher
-landscaper / gardner
-chauffeur / errand boy
-etc.

Relationship:
-friend
-lover
-confidante
-companion
-entertainer
-provider
-protector
-etc.

Sexual/BDSM:
-penis
-cunnilingus machine
-body worshipper
-whipping boy
-anal vagina
-prisoner
-cuckold
-etc.

If you are capable of easily transitioning between roles as any situation calls for it, you should be able to make even the most demanding Domme's happy.  So where did Vanessa's sub fail?

When the chips were down, his inner knight was nowhere to be found.  As powerful as a Domme may be, a worthy lover is a mix of submissive qualities, personal qualities, and chivalry.  She may force him to wear panties every day and put him over her knee and spank him until he cries, but when needed, he will be there for her, stand up for/with her, and be willing to throw or take a punch to defend her.  He acts as her shield, not in a sense that she is defenseless, but more as a knight's shield that she has in hand and wields when necessary, always in her possession and under her control.

Is it too much to ask this of a man, to be everything submissive but also to protect?  Hell no.  The reason... is love. 

Taking on this role requires a tremendous amount of love for and devotion to his Domme.  I am proud to be this.  I am proud to have been chosen for this role.  As submissive as I may be, threaten the one that I love and serve and it will take a group of people to hold me back.  Don't fuck with the one that I love or I will fucking end you.  It's not eloquent, I'm not a violent brute, but don't fuck with her or you'll answer to me.
Illness took away the one that I love once before.  If cancer was a person he'd currently be a dead, rotting,  and bloody pulp taking a permanent dirt nap. 

Vanessa's ex failed.  Somewhere inside him he lost that will to act, to defend, and to love with his all.  Somewhere inside him his own fears and insecurities took over his will to protect and care.  I can see why this behavior and his inability to change would be deemed unforgivable.  To not be there for her in her time of need is unforgivable. 

The love of a D/s relationship goes both ways.  Subs may be beaten, mind-fucked, denied sexually, humiliated, and controlled, but goddamn it we love the one that's doing it.  Dommes may get a kick out of beating us, mind fucking us, denying us sexually, humiliating us, and controlling us, but what makes it special is that they love us too.  If you ever doubt that, read Cleo's post and that should clear things up.

I hope that Vanessa is able to get things rolling again in a good way soon and that she's able to find someone that will make her happy and won't let her down if crisis makes another unexpected visit. 

I really tried to stay as objective as possible while writing this... but I got a bit heated in the moment and I'm sure it shows.  I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but it probably gives a bigger glimpse into who I am than a purely impersonal and objective post.

Humiliation Boutique - Interlude - A Little Self Deprecation (caption drawing)

Humiliation Boutique - Next Series

I know that I said I'd be taking a break but it's 3am and I can't sleep...

So I drew the meeting that will be the next set of drawings that I do. 

Slave Competition Game #5 - Gladiator Battles

This is another game idea for Lady Grey's post, Roadblocks.

This one is a bit on the comical side but may provide a good laugh.

Needs:
Carton of eggs
Bondage belt
Pair of wrist restraints
Pair of ankle restraints (or rope)
A 4-6" chain (not needed if rope is used)
Jock strap (or snug fitting underwear like tighty whities or panties)
A pair of foam bats and/or foam noodles (that are used for floating in a pool)
A 30 second timer to ensure a fast and frantic pace

Directions:
Lock each wrist restraint to opposite sides of the belt.
Lock a chain between the ankle restraints (or secure the ankles together with rope with 4-6" of give).
Place an egg inside front of the jock strap.

Version 1: Fencing
Place a foam bat in the sub's non-dominant hand.
Start the subs 6' away from each other.
Start the timer.
The first sub to break the other sub's egg wins.
If time expires with neither egg broken, both receive a loss.
If both eggs get broken simultaneously, both receive a loss.
If a sub breaks the egg just by moving, without being struck by the opponent's bat, he receives a loss and should have his ass beaten.
All subs will face off against each other once.  The subs with the most wins will face off in the finals.

Version 2: Jousting
Place a foam noodle in the sub's non-dominant hand.
Start the subs 10-12' away from each other.
Start the timer.
The first sub to break the other sub's egg wins.
If time expires with neither egg broken, both receive a loss.

If both eggs get broken simultaneously, both receive a loss.
If a sub breaks the egg just by moving, without being struck by the opponent's noodle, he receives a loss and should have his ass beaten.
All subs will face off against each other once.  The subs with the most wins will face off in the finals.

Variants:
-You could do both fencing and jousting to see who is the "top" gladiator.
-If any sub goes win-less they could have a special penalty punishment (such as cleaning up the eggs and/or a beating).
-If any sub goes undefeated there might be a special reward... but "representing" for his Mistress and going undefeated is a reward in its own right.
-A well-placed clothes pin or two might make them move even faster.

You could probably go without the restraints but I have a feeling that the shuffling around with their ankles bound and being unable to swing the "weapons" with their arms will force them to get closer and flail wildly.  The timer is somewhat unnecessary but will prevent anyone from "turtle-ing" and going in backwards, since if no one wins, they both lose.

It's not quite as devious as the ball parachute game but who doesn't like seeing people bash each other in the nuts with nerf bats, especially if it squirts egg all over their junk?

State of Being, State of Self

I'm not sure exactly where this is going to go but I've been thinking a lot tonight...

If you didn't know I was "into the lifestyle" and met me on vanilla terms, there's a good chance that you would think that I am defined by my hobbies and interests.  I have roughly 6-8 hobbies and past-times that I tend to cycle through every 6 months or so.  I almost always return to the hobbies and for that period of time it often dominates my focus and it seems to be what I want to talk about, want to do, and so on.

There have been times throughout my life where I wasn't seen as "relationship material" because of this.  The woman couldn't see how I could focus on them when I have such serious hobbies.  They thought I would be like the types who vanish to the garage or basement and don't surface for anything besides meals, the bathroom, and sleeping.  Where I have commonly been misunderstood is that my hobbies were a substitute for the meaning that wasn't there.  It was an interesting way to pass the time when I didn't have someone to give my love and my all to.

Throughout the course of my life I have had pretty bad luck with relationships.  If I went on a date, we would become friends and not a relationship.  If a relationship started to bud with a shy girl, she would reject me for being too open about my feelings.  If a relationship started to bud with a girl and I would hold back, she would reject me for not being affectionate enough.  I was lucky enough to really connect with a couple of women and had circumstances tear us apart.  Those meetings were rather rare and far between.

During the long down times I found that if I tried my hardest to find a relationship, it would never happen.  If I would sit back and wait for "opportunity" to strike, it would never happen.  Dumb luck has always been the deciding factor for me in terms of success and failure.  I still see myself as awkward and I don't really have a lot of confidence in terms of finding relationships.  I know deep down I have the capacity to make a woman happy, be it D/s or vanilla, but at the same time, I don't know if I will be given the opportunity to "shine." 

I think this is partly (if not mostly) why I fight so desperately to keep relationships together. Things changed a little bit when I entered the lifestyle.  It was talking about thoughts on love and relationships that got me into the lifestyle.  During a conversation with a woman-friend about what I thought a perfect guy would be like in a relationship and how I wanted to "be that guy," she looked at me and flat out said, "you're a submissive."  She became my first Mistress.

For the first time in my life, life made sense.  My brain is of the nature that creates a lot of "white noise" in my daily life.  Lots of nagging issues, worries, and stress.  I can only think of four things that have ever granted me freedom from that noise:  playing on stage with a rock band, getting drunk out of my mind, getting high out of my mind, and submission.  I haven't played in a band in years and I gave up drugs and alcohol many years ago... so that leaves me with only one option... and luckily, that option is the sustainable one.

For some reason I seem to have done pretty well with this.  I'm not quite sure how or why I seem to finally succeed somewhere.  Is it because I had the mentality before I developed the kink?  My first Mistress described it that "my head was screwed on right."  My ex-Mistress said that it was my willingness to suffer for her.  In my vanilla days I was simply willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I loved.  Hobbies?  Meaningless.  I'd drop them all in a heartbeat.  Distraction is bad.

How have I changed since then?  Not much except it has probably changed to I am willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to.  And not only am I willing to give up my hobbies, but I have no problem giving up orgasms, freedom, physical and emotional comfort, dignity, pride, and male ego. I don't mind (and even cherish) having my thoughts trapped in a box focused solely upon her needs and linking my own happiness and feelings of self-worth to whether or not I have met her expectations of me.  Now that I think about it, those things were all characteristics I deemed expendable even before I entered the lifestyle.

What is a bit strange is that I'm not sure what the best way is for me to be utilized.  I've never been asked to give up music because the Dommes I have served have enjoyed me playing music for them.  I've never been asked to give up writing because they have usually enjoyed what I write.  I've never been asked to give up my interest in films because they have all enjoyed the movies I have shared with them.  I've never been asked to stop thinking about things because my ability to analyze and evaluate things have been appreciated.  Is it bad to be willing to give up these things if they are some of my strengths?  All I can really do is trust that she will decide wisely for me... and continue to be willing to sacrifice any of it if she wants that.

The bigger question is would I be able to give up my fetishes?  Even thinking about it creates a submissive loop that feeds itself.  For example, take fur:
A woman that removes fur from my life because she chooses to deny it and doesn't care about my arousal -> The thought of being denied turns me on and makes me submissive -> and so on.

Am I better off ridding myself of these (which I doubt is possible) and being open to a life without them?  Or are my fetishes better off being manipulated to keep me in a deeper and desperate state of subspace?  By even implying it is better off am I merely trying to manipulate things with my subconscious or is it the truth?  I guess it is up to her to decide, but I don't know what to think on that one?  I guess it's just up to her preference and whether or not she cares about how those might contribute to my happiness or fulfillment.

And... my thoughts have deteriorated into the white noise that is my racing mind without D/s.

All I know for sure is that I would sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to. 

The absence of D/s really makes me feel lonely and sad... which is why I turn to hobbies to pass the time.

A Random Observation

I forgot that Mistress is working an overnight tonight so again I'm at home and up late by myself.

I just realized that part of the disintegration of our D/s interactions and the loss of connection in our relationship in general seems to almost directly coincide with her changing jobs and going from working Monday-Friday 9-5 shifts to overnight shifts 4 days a week with and working every other weekend.

I work Monday through Friday first shift and it used to be we would both get home, be kind of tired, want to relax a bit, and share some time.  Now it seems that when I get home kind of tired, she is wide awake and fresh as can be.  On days when she is tired, that tends to coincide with when I am wide awake.

I'm not really sure but I get the feeling that this schedule change that happened a few years ago has probably strained our relationship more than either of us would like to admit.  When she first started on third shift I recommended she become full-time nocturnal and sleep either from like 9am-4pm or like 1pm until 8pm.  She never heeded this advice and there are many days where she burns the candle at both ends.

This is something I will have to think about more and possibly develop a way of talking about it that won't lead to a fight.

Humiliation Boutique - Santa's Lap (caption drawing)

This is the last one from the Santa series.  I may take a bit of a break from drawing before starting the next one.

Humiliation Boutique - Fifth Sexy Santa (caption drawing)

Humiliation Boutique - Fourth Sexy Santa (caption drawing)

Humiliation Boutique - Third Sexy Santa (caption drawing)

What makes a punishment a punishment?

Just what makes something a punishment?

In the BDSM world of fetish, submission, and masochism, what really separates an activity from being kinky vs. a punishment?

While I'm sure to the vanilla world there are many things that would seem like a punishment, such as corporal punishment, humiliation, orgasm denial, or chores.  When these become the norm, what is the deciding factor?

I have thought about this question a lot over the years... how to answer that ever-asked question of "if I beat him, he likes it, so how is that a punishment?"

The common characteristic that make punishments what they are I believe is the introduction of meaningless hardship.  Hardship that doesn't have to be there but is added in order to create suffering and serves no beneficial purpose beyond that.

If the sub already does the chores, restricting his hand movement by attaching his wrists to his balls increases difficulty, discomfort, and creates a sense of despair as he knows his performance will be poor, leading to increased punishment.

If the sub is already well-disciplined and well-controlled at keeping his hands off of his penis and controlling his erections, adding a chastity device or KTB drives home the point.

Forcing the sub to sleep in a cage instead of a bed is another means to inflict suffering.

Corporal punishment can be performed on such a level where the aftermath will haunt them for days (this usually goes well-beyond enjoyable kink). 


Some of the longest-standing examples throughout history that mirror a similar sentiment are the punishments from legend/mythology in ancient Greece. 

Sisyphus was able to cheat death twice.  His punishment was to roll a giant boulder up a hill.  When the boulder reached the top, it would roll back down and he would begin again... for all eternity.

Tantalus did a lot of pretty fucked up shit.  His punishment was to stand in a pool of water up to his neck below a fruit tree.  If he reached for the fruit, the branches moved away.  If he leaned forward to drink, the water would lower out of reach.

Prometheus took fire from the gods and gave it to man.  This gave man knowledge and made them too similar to the gods.  His punishment was to be chained to a rock and every day a giant eagle would come and rip out his liver and every night it would grow back again.

The common themes:  incredible suffering with a pointless state of existence. 

Where we're at now

There's been some new readers lately and I haven't really talked about my D/s life in a while so I figured I would give a brief recap to where things are now.  I also realize I haven't talked much about my personal life at all so there may be some new tidbits even if you've been reading since the beginning.

Currently, the 5+ year relationship between Mistress and I is pretty much a vanilla relationship with kink in the bedroom (or shower), and the bedroom just doesn't happen much anymore.  About two years ago she developed some severe joint pain that prevented us from having sex anymore.  A couple of months ago she finally had major surgery to correct that problem, from which she is still recovering.

Our relationship has been a rocky but rewarding one.  The first couple of years were great.  We played frequently.  I took care of most of the chores and cooking and we would regularly go out looking for things to spice up our D/s life.  Sexual interactions were frequent.  Her son, at the time, was able to fall asleep early and sleep through the night and was well-behaved at school.

At about the two-and-a-half year mark her BPD really began to manifest itself and the relationship turned abusive.  It's one thing when your Mistress is in control emotionally and gets angry.  It's another when you experience a rage bomb exploding in your face and have no idea why.  There's no punishment or scolding, but instead hatred and attempts to hurt you deeply, both physically and emotionally.  This can be for a reason, or for seemingly no reason at all.  When it flares up... words that are said imply a million other negative words, and if you remain silent, the silence implies another million negative words. 

Due to some experiences while I was growing up, I have developed a great deal of emphasis on what I say and I try to never say something that cannot be taken back unless I absolutely mean it and am willing to bear the consequences of that.  This situation has grown particularly difficult over the years since what I say is often interpreted as something else and I am treated as if I said the "something else."  Even if we are able to talk through it, she still behaves as if I said those things.  This does go beyond just words as well. 

Months before her surgery she picked a fight with me and attacked me saying that she knew I wasn't going to care for her after her surgery.  She proceeded to treat me for weeks as if the surgery had already happened, she had recovered, and I hadn't taken care of her... which is a bit fucked up if you think about it.  In the aftermath, when I did care for her following the surgery, she still believes it was okay to treat me badly before the surgery under the anticipation of me failing. 

From an outside view it's probably pretty easy to say that I should have walked away soon after this type of behavior started and failed to stop.  I have continued to love and believe that we can work through and overcome this but in the process I know I have sacrificed a great deal of self-esteem, self-confidence, and weathered through a great deal of stress and abuse.

I don't really know, I guess.  I do know I am approaching my limit of what I can reasonably handle.

Mistress is the fifth Domme I have served, third if you only count the relationships that lasted for more than 6 months.  We met on collarme with friendship as the goal as we had planned to meet casually for coffee and talk about the lifestyle.  I was on the tail-end of my previous D/s relationship that was all but dead: she was in the process of moving hundreds of miles away, I wasn't invited to move with her, we hadn't seen each other in two months, spoken in 3+ weeks, and she said she by email a couple of weeks earlier that she would be releasing me very soon.

We started out talking about the lifestyle; some experiences, some ideas.  She asked a lot of questions and I gave a lot of answers.  Coffee turned into dinner, dinner into desert.  She asked if she could come over to my place and I said yes.  I'm usually the type of person that carefully mulls over every option and wants to be certain about decisions before I make them.  That hadn't really worked for me most of my life so I threw caution to the wind and went with things.  I did feel guilty that I hadn't been officially released yet (that call came four days later), but this now was the real human contact I hadn't had in months. 

Mistress was fairly new to the lifestyle at this point with about 4 months of experience under her belt.  She accepted me for who I was and all the quirks that go along with my submissiveness and fetishes.  When we arrived at my apartment we talked, I massaged her, and then we played and things went from there.  We had a great first two and a half years.  Things have been shaky since then and that has led us to the state we are in now.

I'm hoping things make a turn for the better once she fully recovers from the surgery.  I hope she's able to make some headway in controlling her BPD (she had a major outburst of it yesterday and a minor one this evening) but I'm not sure how well that will go unless she really wants it to get better.  Currently we are both each others' longest lasting relationship.

In the meantime, my blog, my drawings, my twisted fantasies... these are my outlet for what doesn't happen in reality.  Those and the support of my readers are why I keep going here.

Sissiest Item of the Year (involving fur)

Each year something usually stands out as being the item that I would deem as the most humiliating thing available that includes fur in some way.

I hadn't been browsing department stores much lately but when I stumbled upon this it easily won out:

Humiliation Boutique - Second Sexy Santa (caption drawing)

Slave Competition Game Idea #4 - Human Croquet

Another game idea.

Needs:
A ball for each Domme (anything tennis ball sized or larger should work)
Rope/restraints
A large room that is fairly open

Assign each sub a starting number (they will cycle positions so this is just the beginning).
Tie their hands behind their back and attach their wrist to their balls so that they're a little contorted (the idea is to have their legs slightly bent and spread).

Take turns rolling the ball toward the subs' end of the room.  The subs must quickly form a line and spread their legs so that the ball rolls through their legs like a croquet wicket.  On the first roll #1 should be at the front, #2 second, and so on.  On the second roll, #1 will go to the back, #2 will move to the front, and so on.

After all three Dommes have rolled the subs will retrieve the balls and the cycle will begin again.

If a sub fails to get into position quickly enough to form a wicket, they are eliminated.  If a sub hits the ball with his foot/leg, they are eliminated.  Last sub standing wins.

Slave Competition Game Idea #3 - Fill the cup

I think something along these lines has already been mentioned briefly in comments on the Roadblock post... but here goes.

Needs:
A bucket of water.
A cup/glass with a "fill line" marked on it.  A graduated measuring cup might work the best.
A spoon of some sorts (teaspoon, table spoon, etc., the larger the spoon the faster this will be done).
Wrist restraints/handcuffs.

This could be done simultaneously or one sub at a time.  The only difference would be if done simultaneously you can determine the winner by whoever finishes first and one at a time will require a time-keeping device.

Place the bucket of water and empty cup on the floor, 6' apart. 
Restrain the sub's hands behind his back and put the spoon in his hand.
The sub must take water from the bucket using the spoon and transfer it one spoon full at a time in order to fill the cup to its fill line.

First one to fill the cup and deliver it to his Mistress wins.

Alternate options:
-For added difficulty the handle of the spoon could be placed in the sub's mouth (instead of using his hands) but I have a feeling this would make this take much longer, although this might be the preferred method if you wanted to see the subs inching around the floor on their stomachs instead of moving around on their knees.

-Spilled water could be punished but I have a feeling trying to traverse through the spilled water is sort of a punishment in itself since it will make their skin stick to the floor. 

Slave Competition Game idea #2 - 52 pick up

This is another idea for Lady Grey's post Roadblocks.

I will admit this isn't the most exciting idea as there's no pain, just frustration, fear, and mental anguish.

It's fairly easy though and doesn't require a lot and might serve as a "throw in" game if there's extra time.

Needed:
-A deck of cards (fresh/new and plastic coated preferred)
-A timer/stop watch
-A hard floor (preferably somewhat slick)
-Some sort of mitten, ideally some bondage fist mitts such as these:

Instead of fist mitts, some layered gloves and mittens would work.  E.g. a pair of those stretchy winter gloves under a pair of chunky double-knit wool mittens will probably be enough to dampen dexterity and coordination.

Game:
Each Domme will write in order from 1 to 4 what suit she would compare herself to from strongest to weakest (e.g. if she is warm and affectionate, hearts will probably be her #1, if she likes to beat the shit out of her sub, clubs might be her #1, if she loves jewelry diamonds might be #1, gardening, spades, etc.).

Shuffle the cards so that they're good and mixed (it doesn't matter if they're all facing the same way). 

Spray the cards all over the floor (the less overlap, the more difficult it will be to do this).

Have the sub retrieve the cards and place them neatly in order by card value(the Queens should go on top) and suit, with their guess for her #1 suit on the top of the deck.  When they are done they will present the completed deck to his Mistress.

If they guess her #1 incorrectly, add 1 minute to their time for each number they missed by (e.g. if their #1 guess was her #3, add two minutes).

If any of the cards are turned in with values out of order or facing the wrong direction, DQ them failing to accomplish the task.

The sub that completed the task with the lowest time (after penalties are applied) wins.


*Note: This will actually be very difficult so a maximum time limit may want to be enacted.