Consensus: Not a little

I finally have some clarity on the subject that had been lingering for a while now.  I was lucky enough to chat with a few people both have a little space and those who have spent a lot of time with them and after sharing a bit about my situation the consensus was that my slavespace is not little space.

According to their descriptions, little space is meant to be a happy place that acts as a shield from stress and the like.  My space is a place of constant anxiety and driven mostly by fear.  The one with the most experience in this area cited it was most likely PTSD and that the hyper-sexualized state was mostly resulting to the traumatic sexual humiliation I suffered in early childhood. 

Another topic that was brought up was why is it that my memories keep returning in April-June range (at least for 2017 and 2016).  My guess on that has to do with that being around the time that my SAD seems to wear off when the weather finally stabilizes in a good way. 

Interesting stuff and it has alleviated quite a burden that I have been carrying.  Some questions still linger, but this one has been answered.

Fiction: fs01 Visual: fs's uniform

It's been a while since I drew anything.

A couple of days ago I drew a rendition of fs's uniform (version 3).  This isn't concrete as I'm sure people have their various mental images of it.  This is just what I had pictured in my own mind.

The locking harness is a bit different, mostly because it wasn't really going to show up very well from the front view and would need side/rear views to appear full.  My solution was to add a few more straps and make the locks visible in the front.  If things look a little bit huge and outrageous, I actually used models for these and matched the proportions and actually shrunk them a bit vs. how the actual items appeared.  I also chose the color scheme based more upon contrast and they are a little different than the original way that I imagined it.   Doesn't he look happy?

I did a modification just to show the gag and blindfold that attach to the head harness through some mythical locking mechanism that I never fully explain.  In my mind I had pictured something along the lines of the locks that you would find on a portfolio style briefcase that could be attached very easily but would require a key to remove.

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Love

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Love

Dear Ms. C.

When I read about what you do to your sub I can’t believe that he doesn’t hate you. You say that you love him but I don’t believe it. I don’t see how a man would put up with a woman who is so bitchy and mean to him.

-The Man

Normally I reserve “Question and Answer” to answer questions, but every few months I receive some variation of this statement and today I felt like addressing the topic. To put it create a question worth answering. I will rephrase this into: If you love your sub how can you be so cruel to him?

I am cruel to my sub because I love him. I love him dearly. I love him so much that I spent years carefully crafting an environment and system of dynamics that keep him completely under my thumb. He is the only man I desire in my life. He is wonderful and obedient. He gives all of himself to me and loves me with his entire being.

My sub thrives under cruelty and control. The more unfair the circumstances, the more he rises to the occasion. I press him to bring out the best in him and he rarely disappoints. He feels good and proud knowing that I help him reach his potential. He is absolutely happy knowing that I shape him into the form I desire most. He is special. Lots of subs talk the talk but so few will give themselves like he does. I love him absolutely and cannot picture my life without him.

That being said, I am careful in the amount of positive attention that I give him. If he feels that he can easily please me he will grow lazy. If he feels that he will be able to completely satisfy me he will lose the emphatic fervor that drives him. While he knows that I love him, it is when he fears that I may find a reason to make him suffer that I see his best effort. Seeing this from him makes me happy and he is happy when he pleases me.

I think it would be more cruel if I were to stop our dynamics. Since I love him, I would never wish that upon him.

END

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Privacy

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Privacy

Dear Ms. C.

I wish that I could show my pet off to everyone but we keep our relationship completely private to the outside world due to privacy concerns. How were you overcome the privacy obstacle and make your relationship known to your friends as well as bringing your sub out in public?

-Always Learning

Thank you, A.L., that is a very good question.

When it comes to “outing” yourself it really depends heavily upon how strong of a relationship you have with your nearest and dearest friends. You must trust them absolutely for this to feel safe. It’s often easier to simply make some kinky friends where they have a natural understanding of discretion. I consider myself a fairly good judge of character and I generally keep myself quite guarded around those who I don’t trust. The people in my life that are aware of our lifestyle I have known for years and in many cases they are just as kinky as we are.

Bringing my sub out in public isn’t that big of a deal when our destination is someplace kinky. In those environments people generally understand that they are just as susceptible to being outed as you are. For example, if someone announces that they saw you with your sub at the Kitty Kat Club on fetish night, it means they too were at the same club on fetish night.

In all honesty, in today’s age of social media it is probably better to be safe than sorry. If you have any doubts, it is very reasonable to err on the side of caution. I will say that over the years I find myself less and less concerned about people finding out that I am a dominant woman. I wear the pants. I keep my submissive husband’s balls in my purse. I don’t lift a finger around the house and he waits on me like a Queen. If others found out about that I have a feeling some of them would be quite jealous and in most cases, my sub would be more distraught than I would be and that makes things a little bit fun.

END

Relationship Evolution and Plateaus

This post is a response to a question I was asked about some comments I left. I have written upon these subjects in the past quite a bit on my Blogger blog but I’m going to write about them again.

All relationships change over time because the people involved in the relationships change. In D/s relationships this frequently involves a gradual increase in the intensity of the dynamics as familiarity, trust, and experiences grow. In the beginning everything is new and exciting. After you’ve done it 20 times the “new car smell” is gone and you have a pretty good idea of how things will go and what to expect from actions and reactions in both the physical and emotional realm. At this point things become routine and in most cases, one or both parties will want to bring the excitement back and changes and new activities will be introduced. This can continue almost indefinitely with a few different versions of the “end game” (the end game being when things really can’t be pushed any further).

However, most relationships never reach the end game. Ideally a plateau occurs when the relationship reaches an equilibrium intensity level that is appealing to both parties and readily sustainable with happy feelings abound. Not all plateaus are ideal as they can also occur when one party “hits a wall” in how far they are willing to go. This can be due to a submissive that reaches a limit to the vulnerability they are willing to explore. This can be because a dominant finds their comfort zone where they feel confident and have their needs met and do not wish for more beyond this point. When one party is set on staying put and the other wishes to press onward it puts a lot of strain on the relationship.

Assuming both parties are new to the lifestyle there are some interesting phenomenon that happen quite commonly. The first is that in most cases subs have spent more time fantasizing about D/s than Doms have. This means in the beginning the sub is more likely to desire more than the Dom will be comfortable offering. Assuming the Dominant takes to their role, they frequently experience periods of rapid growth when they finally get confident and comfortable with themselves. This growth will often propel them beyond the sub and in my opinion, this is where things really start to get interesting. Up until that point many of the activities were ones the sub desired. This is the time when the Dom may introduce things that the sub does not desire or enjoy. If the Dom presses the sub through their mental resistance, I believe this is where the submissive mindset fully takes shape and both parties will continue to evolve.

Another interesting factor is that men are more likely to plateau than women. Two factors play heavily into this:

1. Post-orgasm crashes.
2. Fetish development.

After an orgasm men will frequently lose their previous emotional state and however they felt beforehand can disappear. If they are dominant, the feelings of Domspace may vanish. If they are submissive, their desire to submit may vanish.

Fetish development is far more common in men as they are more likely to repeatedly masturbate to the same fantasy scenario. If they continue down this path they will likely find a couple of factors that “do it” for them and this may become their end goal. Basically, once a fetish has set in, they will not want to deviate from it and this may be their plateau.

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Locks

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 1.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Locks

Dear Ms. C.

Would you be willing to shed light on something for me? Do you have a fascination with locks and restraints? Your sub is obedient yet you lock him into his uniform. You chain his hands before putting him in a cage. I guess I just don’t understand why you do these things as they seem a bit excessive, unnecessary, and needlessly complicated.

-Casual Domina

I do have a fascination with locks and restraints, CD, and I do not mind sharing the reasons with you. I like them mostly because of how they affect my sub on a psychological level. When he finds something unpleasant, any hint of freedom or power leaves the door open for mental resistance. These situations make certain parts of his obedience “optional,” as compliance becomes his choice. Locks help to erase any resistance and push him to a state of total surrender. That is the way that I like him best.

Early on I would occasionally get frustrated with rigging up complicated restraints, but practice makes perfect. When you weigh in the amount of effort it takes me to lock him up versus the effects it has on his submission, I always consider it worthwhile. Twenty seconds on my part to ensure that he struggles in discomfort for hours? Sign me up.

To be completely honest, I would still lock him up even if he achieved total surrender on his own. The look on his face when I put the locks on his uniform and let him know that one of my employees will be delivering something to the house while he is home is absolutely delicious.

END

A taste of fiction

So I wrote some bonus chapters for fs01 today.  A sort of mock Q&A with Cassandra on her fictitious blog.

Part 76 is still half finished.  I wrote a few more sentences on it today but I am blocked from channeling fs.

I have been blocked since the events leading to my post, Solving the Puzzle of my Submission and have been unable to obtain the mindset I use to write fiction.  The feelings that would take me there are just gone.

It is a bit frustrating but it is the difference between writing feeling like pulling teeth vs. having a thousand words flow out in 15 minutes. It also changes how genuine it feels to me while I write it.

I'm searching for a way to get there.

For those who started reading since I last published a chapter of fiction, the Table of Contents has links to every chapter.

I do have the majority of Arc 9 mapped out.  While I was planning on wrapping up the story there I do have a 10th arc ready with notes to be the true ending as well as a handful of bonus chapters that will accompany Arc 9.  I hope I can get back to it soon.

PS.  In the meantime if anyone has a question they would like answered on a Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter, feel free to send it to me or post it here.

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Women

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 1.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter Q & A: Women

Dear Ms. C.

If your husband is a male submissive, why do you have so many romantic relationships with women? Do you have some sort of cuckold fantasy? Why not with men?

-Exploring Life

Oh, these are some very difficult questions to answer, Exploring Life, and while I have thought about them before, I was never able to get any clear answers.

Why I don’t have relationships with other men is easy. My submissive is the only man I will ever want. I love him and he is my perfect match. No other man could ever mean what he means to me.

As for women, I find them beautiful and attractive. In many ways I relate better to women and I tend to expect more of them as people and they challenge me. It’s not that I’m a female supremacist or anything, I just have found that men are a puzzle that is easy to solve, while women tend to be more well-rounded and complicated. I would be plenty happy if I spent the rest of my life with only my husband.

A few years ago I did an experiment where I started to slowly bring to life some fantasies that my sub had written for me during the first few months of our relationship. One of those fantasies was to have me take on a woman lover that would diminish his role in the relationship. I will be the first to admit that I made a mistake with K, but since then, my sub definitely seems to respond positively when there is another woman involved as long as I make sure to give him adequate attention. You should see how eager he is to be used by the both of us.

As for how this pertains to the future, I will be honest when I say that I honestly don’t know. There are times when I regret having diminished my sub’s personality to such an extent that I crave a more active companion that I can see as an equal. There are other times when I am absolutely certain that other women are just for fun and that my heart is with my sub. Only time will tell.

END

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Rewards

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Rewards

Dear Ms. C.

You write all about the punishments and torments you put your sub through but what about rewards? Doesn’t he deserve rewards for a job well done?

-underher84

There was a time early on in the relationship where my sub would earn his orgasms with good behavior and service and the like. That was the dynamic as we both were feeling our way through the lifestyle. My sub is intelligent, enthusiastic, competent, and a fast learner. This soon became boring. Every week he would earn his rewards. The times where I would punish him got less and less. Every week it was the same, week in and week out. His enthusiasm waned. My enthusiasm waned. It’s too bad a snorgasm isn’t a thing because I would have had plenty.

This got me thinking about our relationship and the direction I wanted it to go. I wanted total control… total ownership. My sub is so submissive when I am around that he doesn’t need a carrot to “be good.” He is heavily driven by wanting to see me smile and fear of disappointing me. He wants to be perfect for me.

I still remember the day that I got him naked and on his knees in front of me. “I expect perfection from you. Your reward is the knowledge that you performed your duty faithfully and obediently and that I keep you in my service. Anything less than perfection will be punished severely and corrected until you are perfect at all times. Do you understand?” It was adorable the way his eyes went to the floor and he nodded slowly. His penis was standing straight up when a tiny little voice spoke, “Yes, Mistress.” That is such a wonderful memory. This brought our relationship back to life and since then he always tries his best without complaint. He knows nothing is guaranteed. He loves that I bring out the best in him.

Now I feel almost silly when I think about it. The idea of rewarding him for something he is expected to do seems rather silly. I’m sure he would feel the same way. When he looks into my eyes and sees that I love him, that is the only reward he needs.

END

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Pegging

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Pegging

Dear Ms. C.

Why do you peg your sub so much when you make it so obvious that he hates it?

-WTF?

It’s not really about what he likes or hates, is it?

Pegging has always been a bit of a turn on for me. It wasn’t long before I discovered the early generations of double-ended dildos that really gave it a life of its own. The Feeldoe and Nexus got me hooked and the Reverb* made it my activity of choice. There’s something powerful about having a cock between your legs. I want to touch it. I want to stroke it. Most of all, I want to fuck something with it. It makes me a bit crazy.

As for pegging my sub, do you really think I would do it as often as I do if he really liked it and wanted it? A large part of my enjoyment comes from knowing that he hates it. He hates it but suffers through it willingly for me to make me happy. In his tears I sense his devotion and love. It’s really quite romantic. I do make sure to give him some aftercare as I know how much it stresses him.

I do love milking him this way. I adore it when his locked up penis dribbles out a stream from me pegging him. I think I know what I’ll be doing tonight. *Grin*.

*A fictitious double-ended dildo that delivers a great amount of pleasure to the wearer when pressure is applied to the exposed end.

END

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Jealousy

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Jealousy

Dear Ms. C.

I love reading your blog but any time you write about your friends using your sub it makes me cringe a little. Don’t you feel jealous when he does things for them? Whenever we go to gatherings or play parties I keep thinking, “hey, don’t touch my stuff,” if a woman gets anywhere near my sub.

-Domina Valerie

That is a very good question, Ms. Valerie.

I am very careful about who I let into my circle. I trust my friends deeply and have tremendous respect for them. When I temporary place my sub in their service I do not feel jealous at all. My friends may use him a bit but they do not wish either of us harm or wish to take him from me. My sub is so devoted to me that he is willing to serve them as he would me because he wants to represent me well to others. In these cases I think of it as offering to have him mow their lawn or loaning them a vibrator.

Outside of that, I try to be careful with what I expose my sub to. If I bring him someplace where he may be approached, that goes with the territory. I also have no problem with marking my territory. If someone continues to press and pry, wants to violate our personal space or the boundaries of respect and common decency, I will react. I tend to think of that as being more protective than jealous though. I am proud of my sub and do want others to know how proud of him I am and I will gladly show him off to those who wish to know more about him. I see their interest as more of a compliment to me than a worry about someone taking him.

END

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Guilt

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Guilt

Dear Ms. C.

I absolutely adore your blog but I do have to ask. Do you ever feel guilty for putting your sub through so much?

-Ms. L.

Thank you, Ms. L. Guilt depends on a lot of things.

I have hurt my sub before. Hurt him badly. Hurt him by accident. Hurt him without meaning to. Hurt him because of decisions I have made. Yes, I feel terribly guilty for all of these things. I agonize over them when they happen. Sometimes I have to take a drive just so I can sit and cry. I talk to him about it. He always forgives me. He trusts that the bad things happen when I am thinking of the good of our relationship. I still feel bad, but I learn from it. I do not make the same mistakes twice.

As for normal, ordinary things like punishing him, denying him pleasure, or using him, I feel no guilt whatsoever. We both enjoy this. We both love each other. He thrives on being pushed deeper and deeper into submission. I love his willingness to bend and break under me. It feels so right, why should I feel guilty?

It takes time to reach this state. It doesn’t happen overnight. The loving bonds and trust must be grown organically and they cannot be rushed.

END

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Fur

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 1.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Fur

Dear Ms. C.

I’ve been a long-time lurker and I love reading your blog. I’m just curious but what is it about fur that makes it such an important part of your relationship?

-Curious Observer

This is a very fair question, C.O., and I will try to answer it as best I can.

I love how fur feels. I love how it looks. I love how wearing it makes me feel. I left my previous career because I felt too cramped and stifled. When I emerged as a Domme I decided to focus on what I like and what feels good to me. I wear what I like and what makes me feel the best about myself. I like other things as well, but fur is one of my favorites.

The role of fur in our relationship is mutual. My sub loves the way that I dress. It turns him on and he can barely keep his eyes off of me. This makes both of us feel good and it goes back to the start of our relationship. We met on an adult dating site and my ad was titled, “Venus in Furs seeks a Severin to compliment her Wanda.”

I should add that my sub’s fur-trimmed maid’s uniform was originally the brainchild of my former sub, K. She twisted his fur fetish into something horribly embarrassing and dreadful. I keep it going because it amuses me.

END

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Feminization

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 1.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Feminization

Dear Ms. C.

Why do you feminize your sub in such a way when he obviously dislikes it? Shouldn’t that kind of thing be consensual? Isn’t humiliating him like that a bit abusive? It seems cruel and unfair.

-subguy89

It seems I get asked questions like these about once a month. If you read my earlier Question & Answer posts you will see that I have answered these questions in some capacity several times over.

Our lifestyle is one that was built up slowly over deep levels of love and trust. We entered into this relationship with both eyes open. It was 100% consensual and I made no secret that I expected his total obedience. He promised he would do whatever it took to make me happy. I don’t understand how it can appear unfair for us to simply do what we agreed to do. He made his choice just as I made mine.

Cruel? Certainly. I first feminized him as part of one of his old fantasies and to display his new role in our household as my maid. I continue to feminize him because he dislikes it. It is a symbol of my control and power over him. It’s easy to make a sub do what he wants to do. I like watching a sub squirm as I order them to do what they do not want to do. Partly why I keep changing up his uniform is that I never want him to get used to it and have it feel normal.

I love watching him blush and the expression his face makes when he feels shame. I love seeing him squirm and writhe in his own skin when I show him off to my friends. This brings me hours of amusement every single day. I am absolutely certain if you asked him that he would rather suffer for my amusement than feel normal and deny me that pleasure. This is part of how we show our love for each other.

Humiliating? Absolutely. Abusive? Hardly.

If you wish to judge me for how the dynamics of our relationship differ from your ideas that is your loss. We have had eight happy years together to evolve us to this state and it is unlikely we will resemble some one-off BDSM scene between two parties who barely know each other.

END

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Fantasy

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 5.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Fantasy

Dear Ms. C.

Do you have any fantasies you have yet to experience? Please share them with us.

-wellhung69

As much as I hate to cater to requests for masturbation fodder, you wrote in complete sentences and said please so I suppose I will answer this.

Ever since we acted out the slave fantasy I have been battling with the urge to evolve the dynamics in our relationship. The thought of completely enslaving him and reducing him to chattel just puts me into a spiral. Part of me wants it so badly but part of me wants to keep him as he is and once we make that step there is no turning back.

So yes, my fantasy is to reduce my sub to a slave with no rights and torment him on a daily basis like his feelings don’t matter at all. I want to be able to sell him if I chose to (even though I doubt I ever would). I want to replace his name with a number. I want him to be all mine and do with him what I please. I want power. I want control. I want them absolutely.

The thought of this breaks my heart but other organs find it quite appealing.

END

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Chastity

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 1.

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Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Chastity

Dear Ms. C.

You write about keeping your sub chaste on an almost permanent basis. I’m new to the lifestyle and just don’t understand what the appeal of chastity is for both Domme and sub. Would you please share your thoughts on what you like about it so that I can try to understand?

-ShyMiss

Thank you for the wonderful question, ShyMiss. I remember a time when chastity didn’t make sense to me either. I enjoy sex and the thought of removing that from the equation felt like I would be losing an intimate act that brings me pleasure. While I took control of my sub’s orgasms at the beginning of the relationship, it took several years before I put him in a chastity device. This was done at the behest of my former sub K, but somewhere down the road something changed.

I realized that I love control more than I love intercourse. I love that his pleasure and relief are kept under my lock and key. I love that his sexual frustration makes him ache for me. I love how every time he attempts an erection it reminds him of being owned. I love the way that prolonged chastity has changed how he thinks and has made him more submissive. His orgasms happen so infrequently that his entire focus is on my pleasure.

I still get a bit giddy when I think about it. I completely own his cock and I love it.

If I want to be completely honest, I have to say that there is a darker side at work here as well. My sub enjoys erections (he is a horny little slut). In our earlier days I used to love how perky it was when I would keep him naked and send him scurrying around the house, his penis bouncing around, all eager to please me. Now, I listen to the voice of my inner-sadist a little more. He loves his erections and that makes me want to take them away. Denying him such a simple pleasure mmm… I love it. That metal belt around his waist is truly unnecessary, I just can’t resist keeping him in it, knowing that it takes away something that he enjoys. The longer it stays this way the more I love it.

I still let him inside of me every so often, so it’s not like I do without it completely. I just make sure to wait until my desire to feel him outweighs my darker desires.

END

Random Update

It looks like my job is safe for the time being, but nothing guaranteed.  If it falls apart it will be within the next 2-3 weeks but I at least have the comfort of knowing that I won't have to sue anyone to get paid. 

Thank you everyone that wrote to me with your support.  It means a lot to me. 

A week of uncertainty

Now is one of the times where D/s would help me out so much by keeping my mind in a better place.

It has been five days since learning my job may be in jeopardy.  It has been three days since we had a lawyer lie to us about wages and labor laws.  There is still no certainty about how things will play out nor whether I will be paid without a lawsuit. 

While searching through memories for the source of my job hunting anxiety I remembered some events that happened to me during my senior year of high school and immediately following graduation.  I couldn't get hired.  I was valedictorian and had solid references from my previous two jobs.  I applied anywhere locally that had help wanted signs and was willing to work for minimum wage.  The town was still lily white.  I even had a job that was lined up through a friend who was told if he was willing to vouch for my work ethic that I was as good as in.  Until I went in and met the person in charge of hiring.  They took one look at me and spent 30 minutes trying to talk me out of the job.  He told me he would call me back.  He never did.  His secretary finally broke me the news three weeks later that I wasn't getting hired.  She cited that it was because I wasn't 18 yet... which I might have believed if I hadn't been 8 months older than my friend. 

The summer before I left for college I couldn't get hired anywhere.  I was now a high school graduate with a diploma and no dice.  I even went to hiring fairs and the like.  When I applied at a convenience store a few miles from my house with a big help wanted sign behind the counter, I filled out the app and returned it to be told "we're not hiring anymore."  As a test my (white adopted) mother stopped by there two hours later and asked for an application for her son and if they were still hiring and she was told yes.  That was the last time I had any wonder about why I wasn't being hired... and it was the last time my mother ever gave me shit about not trying hard enough to find a full time job. 

It's kind of stupid that one of the reasons that I held the same job from age 13 to 18 was because I couldn't find other work. 

I know it's kind of stupid to be thinking about this 20 years later but faced with the prospect of searching for another job I'm feeling the demons brewing again and the anxiety keeps me feeling like I'm going to vomit for about 12 hours each day.  My psyche still remembers those struggles... being judged for the wrong reasons... an unwinnable battle.  It's one of the big reasons I stay at a job that is below my abilities. 

I'm at the point where I would take bad news just to have certainty.  I would rather know I have to face my demons than wonder if I will have to face them.  The anxiety is the same whether it's certain or not.  Rationally I know it's stupid to worry about something I can't control and hasn't happened yet.  That doesn't change the way that my stomach twists and turns with uncertainty.

At least some things are amusing

Well, the events of today have definitely made this one of the worst weeks I've had in many years.  My stress level is off the charts and will remain that way until some uncertainty with my work situation clears up.

At least I stumbled upon something amusing today.

Because yes, doesn't everyone just want a parka that zips completely over your face and has an attached fur pom pom?  Makes perfect sense. 

Moods

I'd been sort of teetering on the edge of a mood plunge lately.  A balancing game that finally tipped in a bad way.  There was no one factor, just a combination of many that finally accumulated and now I feel like shit.

I haven't felt like writing and not sure when I will.  I also don't feel like forcing it.

I do have plans to get back to some fiction in the near future and at least finish up the current arc of fs01.  I have notes made for the plot progression, it's just a matter of getting the right mindset to finish it.