Originally Written: 10/12/17
There are times when I wish I was one of those people that was a neat
freak. You know, those types that get off on making everything clean
and organized. I am not one of those people. I’m not dirty or filthy,
but I’m more about not making a mess than I am about cleaning.
I’ve met a number of dominants over the years that I haven’t really
seen eye to eye with. This is often one of the subjects at hand. They
want someone that wants to clean. I never want to clean, but I am
willing to clean. This is a very crucial difference to some.
It is my lack of natural desire to performing tedious tasks and
chores that makes a punishment dynamic a necessity for me to be happy.
Do I need the threat of the lash to scrub a toilet? Hell no. Does the
threat of a lash make me happy to scrub a toilet? Yes, because the idea
of a punishment puts me into a submissive mental space. It isn’t a
deterrent. It isn’t just words or posturing. I would not fail her on
something so trivial. I would lose self-respect if I couldn’t get
ordinary things done. There’s just that difference between doing it
while knowing I hate it vs. doing it while immersed in subspace and the
thought of disappointing her is crushing.
Does this make me a lesser submissive? To some, yes, to others, no.
The people who think “yes” tend to be people who are not a good fit.
I assume that I will be performing domestic service. I assume it
always. I just have different facets of my person that have their own
points of view on this and which one surfaces the most varies day by
day, moment by moment. The adult in me knows that if I was living
alone, I would be performing my own domestic service unless I was
content living in a total nasty pigsty, which I am not. Now, I might
not clean as regularly or frequently as some, but I will never have
flies, ants, or rotting anything ever.
From a submissive ideal standpoint, yes, I should want to do it
because I want to make her happy. From another submissive standpoint
(the one closer to my feelings) is that the thought of her performing
tedious tasks pains me, so I would rather do it than subject her to it.
To be honest, I’ve always been curious where the idea of domestic
service as a dynamic came from. I know there are those with a fetish
for no-strings house cleaning, but they are often unicorns. To be
honest, I believe the roots come from a bit of backlash against the
traditional patriarchal home. Go back 50 years and most women would run
the household, taking care of all of the domestic tasks. That was her
role. Unfortunately, when the majority of women went back into the
workforce, it seems there was a lag and she was still responsible for
the majority of the domestic tasks. If she could manage to work, cook,
clean, and do laundry, why couldn’t a man do it too?
This isn’t a sexy way of looking it at, but my gut tells me that this may fall somewhere in its early origins.
The sexier idea is that the woman should feel like a pampered
Goddess, Queen, Domina, or some other role of elevated status within the
household. She should be free to enjoy all that life has to offer
while her servants take care of the menial labor.
I’m not really sure. In most modern households the chores are
shared, although not always equally. In D/s, while some couples share
chores, many do not. FLR is one of the examples of unilateral
distribution of chores.
I will admit that I have a bit of “wanker sub” in me and I get
exhilarated by the fact that being expected to do everything without
praise or thanks is unfair. I do, however, accept the reality that I
will likely be the one performing domestic duties whether I like them or
not.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Symbolism vs. Fetish
Originally Written 10/12/17
Quite honestly over the past couple of weeks I think I have had more fun blogging than I have had in years. I consider the verb, blogging to encompass writing blog posts, reading blog posts, leaving comments on other blogs, and responding to comments. It has been at least 5 years since I have felt this active and there have been some great conversations going as of late. I have actually had two conversations as of late that cover this topic. I have written about this a lot in the past, but this is my first time talking about it on WordPress.
When you look at the variety of kinks and fetishes out there as well as people’s different levels of acceptance and coping with said kinks and fetishes, you’ll find a wide variety in the ways that people present what gets them going and how others perceive it. This gets especially complicated when you look at the differences between gender, role, and even the verbiage of how people communicate their interests and desires.
The focus of this post is basically to compare the distinction between someone getting aroused by a specific act or object (fetish) vs. getting aroused by the meaning behind the act or object (symbolism).
I get turned on by a lot of things that scare the crap out of me. Things that I don’t want to admit that I want. Things that make my head spin in fantasy but I know the reality would be rather unpleasant. I also know that it is often difficult to convey the complete idea of this to other people. Word it wrong and I end up dancing that line between “interesting dynamic” and “pathetic wanker.”
Part of the problem is that as a whole, there are a good number of people that aren’t able to adequately articulate the nuances of their desires. They can’t always sift through the push/pull going on inside that draws them to an act yet makes them feel ashamed, guilty, or gross. Understanding contexts and motives go a long way to connecting with someone else. Provide no context nor motive and you are at the mercy of how they choose to read into things (or fail to read into them).
A big part of what separates a fetish from symbolic arousal is that a fetish often doesn’t need a context. e.g. a spanking fetishist can get aroused from seeing a spanking. Someone who is drawn to the power and authority that the spanker wields over the spankee, is aroused by that symbolism. I believe it is common for people to be one or the other and be unable to differentiate between the two. An easy way to differentiate on this topic is if the person cares for the reason behind the spanking (e.g. maintenance, punishment, scolding, etc.).
One of the most basic examples of a symbolic gesture in D/s is the rule for addressing a dominant with a title. Mistress, Miss, Goddess, ma’am, your highness/majesty, Sir, Daddy, Master, and so on come to mind. It is unlikely to find someone who has fetishized this, but it is quite likely to find someone who is drawn to what the title symbolizes and its meaning.
An important note about symbolic arousal is that it tends to be constantly evolving. Each time a new dynamic or activity is added, there is a rush and a set of feelings that erupt from it. Over time this becomes normal. As people continue to chase the rush and excitement, they must push farther in order to obtain a similar “new” response.
The intensity of relationships varies so greatly that it is common to find people who practice a milder form of D/s or are newer to the lifestyle encounter a much more intense relationship and be surprised, shocked, or put off by the dynamics and activities that they engage in. Sometimes this is the fault of the author for failing to convey the context and meaning behind acts. Sometimes this is the fault of the reader for not being able to envision the path it took to get there. Being tied up (or tying someone up) for the first time is exciting. Being tied up (or tying someone up) for the 1,000th time, not so much. Ropes and velcro straps become leather straps. Leather straps become locking straps. Locking straps become steel shackles and chains. At some point, hoods, gags, and body harnesses might show up. Sensory deprivation may work its way in. Each additional level of security and restraint increases the symbol of helplessness, the willingness of the sub to endure it, and the desire of the dominant to wield increasing amounts of control.
There are many types of scenarios that are frequently “end game” states. They take years to build enough trust and desire for increased dynamics to become what they are. Cuckolding and M/s are lifestyles that come to mind. Acts like permanent chastity and branding sometimes accompany them. These are almost some form of heavily progressed symbolic arousal that in most cases, passed through at least a dozen plateaus while working their way up.
Returning to the idea of fetishes, you may find a great difference in the allure of a dynamic, act, or object based upon the gender of the author. This isn’t meant to stereotype genders (too much), but the vast majority of fetishists are male. A rough estimate might be in the range of ~95% male. Males are much more susceptible to fetish development for a number of reasons. The core of it is almost always masturbation habits. Males are far more likely to repeat the same type of fantasy over and over. The nature of male sexual behavior plays into it as well. A man experiences a total crash upon ejaculation (mental, emotional, physical), so the fantasize, shoot their load, and it’s done. Women can carry their arousal across multiple orgasms, often allowing for more in-depth exploration of their fantasy’s contexts, environments, and the like. In some cases, the intensity and desire grows stronger with each orgasm. Basically, a woman is more likely to picture who, why, where when, and how when she fantasizes.
This phenomenon often makes many men prone to… well, behave repulsively. They get obsessed with their fetish, try to force it or project it whenever they can, and it becomes completely obsessive and overwhelming. It is easy for them to diminish the value of the partner involved and women tend to find this very unattractive. When their erection fades, they often will battle with shame and guilt and this makes it less likely for them to think about it and analyze their own needs and emotions. Without a firm understanding, it becomes almost impossible to communicate it effectively. The end result is that when people do talk about their fetishes, it is often portrayed in a selfish and unappealing way to anyone who does not share an almost identical fetish.
Even when women do have fetishes, I find they are often much more able to verbalize what aspects they find appealing and how it “talks” to them. The ability to convey enough about what they enjoy frequently makes a woman with fetishes seem sexually free and adventurous. This is a stark contrast to the vision of a single male typing with one hand in a dark room. This also leads me to believe that most women with fetishes tend to require environmental or symbolic links.
I hope that I’m making some sense here in being able to distinguish situations that may not be obvious on the surface when encountering someone with a different set of interests. If not, my bad. I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts today.
I will leave this with an example that I think illustrates the difference. Trampling is a common F/m kink that often puzzles people. If a woman tramples a man, a fetishist might think, “mmm… feet.” A Domme drawn to symbolism might think, “So powerful.” A sub drawn to symbolism might think, “She’s displaying her power.”
I’ve put a lot of thought into this subject because it took me a very long time to realize where these dividing lines fell into me. For a while I thought I had a boatload of fetishes, but upon interacting with fetishists, I realized I was responding in a different way. That key was realizing that the meaning behind an act was more important to me than the act itself. This also meant I would likely be drawn in by almost anything that shared a similar meaning… and for the most part, that has proven itself to be true.
Quite honestly over the past couple of weeks I think I have had more fun blogging than I have had in years. I consider the verb, blogging to encompass writing blog posts, reading blog posts, leaving comments on other blogs, and responding to comments. It has been at least 5 years since I have felt this active and there have been some great conversations going as of late. I have actually had two conversations as of late that cover this topic. I have written about this a lot in the past, but this is my first time talking about it on WordPress.
When you look at the variety of kinks and fetishes out there as well as people’s different levels of acceptance and coping with said kinks and fetishes, you’ll find a wide variety in the ways that people present what gets them going and how others perceive it. This gets especially complicated when you look at the differences between gender, role, and even the verbiage of how people communicate their interests and desires.
The focus of this post is basically to compare the distinction between someone getting aroused by a specific act or object (fetish) vs. getting aroused by the meaning behind the act or object (symbolism).
I get turned on by a lot of things that scare the crap out of me. Things that I don’t want to admit that I want. Things that make my head spin in fantasy but I know the reality would be rather unpleasant. I also know that it is often difficult to convey the complete idea of this to other people. Word it wrong and I end up dancing that line between “interesting dynamic” and “pathetic wanker.”
Part of the problem is that as a whole, there are a good number of people that aren’t able to adequately articulate the nuances of their desires. They can’t always sift through the push/pull going on inside that draws them to an act yet makes them feel ashamed, guilty, or gross. Understanding contexts and motives go a long way to connecting with someone else. Provide no context nor motive and you are at the mercy of how they choose to read into things (or fail to read into them).
A big part of what separates a fetish from symbolic arousal is that a fetish often doesn’t need a context. e.g. a spanking fetishist can get aroused from seeing a spanking. Someone who is drawn to the power and authority that the spanker wields over the spankee, is aroused by that symbolism. I believe it is common for people to be one or the other and be unable to differentiate between the two. An easy way to differentiate on this topic is if the person cares for the reason behind the spanking (e.g. maintenance, punishment, scolding, etc.).
One of the most basic examples of a symbolic gesture in D/s is the rule for addressing a dominant with a title. Mistress, Miss, Goddess, ma’am, your highness/majesty, Sir, Daddy, Master, and so on come to mind. It is unlikely to find someone who has fetishized this, but it is quite likely to find someone who is drawn to what the title symbolizes and its meaning.
An important note about symbolic arousal is that it tends to be constantly evolving. Each time a new dynamic or activity is added, there is a rush and a set of feelings that erupt from it. Over time this becomes normal. As people continue to chase the rush and excitement, they must push farther in order to obtain a similar “new” response.
The intensity of relationships varies so greatly that it is common to find people who practice a milder form of D/s or are newer to the lifestyle encounter a much more intense relationship and be surprised, shocked, or put off by the dynamics and activities that they engage in. Sometimes this is the fault of the author for failing to convey the context and meaning behind acts. Sometimes this is the fault of the reader for not being able to envision the path it took to get there. Being tied up (or tying someone up) for the first time is exciting. Being tied up (or tying someone up) for the 1,000th time, not so much. Ropes and velcro straps become leather straps. Leather straps become locking straps. Locking straps become steel shackles and chains. At some point, hoods, gags, and body harnesses might show up. Sensory deprivation may work its way in. Each additional level of security and restraint increases the symbol of helplessness, the willingness of the sub to endure it, and the desire of the dominant to wield increasing amounts of control.
There are many types of scenarios that are frequently “end game” states. They take years to build enough trust and desire for increased dynamics to become what they are. Cuckolding and M/s are lifestyles that come to mind. Acts like permanent chastity and branding sometimes accompany them. These are almost some form of heavily progressed symbolic arousal that in most cases, passed through at least a dozen plateaus while working their way up.
Returning to the idea of fetishes, you may find a great difference in the allure of a dynamic, act, or object based upon the gender of the author. This isn’t meant to stereotype genders (too much), but the vast majority of fetishists are male. A rough estimate might be in the range of ~95% male. Males are much more susceptible to fetish development for a number of reasons. The core of it is almost always masturbation habits. Males are far more likely to repeat the same type of fantasy over and over. The nature of male sexual behavior plays into it as well. A man experiences a total crash upon ejaculation (mental, emotional, physical), so the fantasize, shoot their load, and it’s done. Women can carry their arousal across multiple orgasms, often allowing for more in-depth exploration of their fantasy’s contexts, environments, and the like. In some cases, the intensity and desire grows stronger with each orgasm. Basically, a woman is more likely to picture who, why, where when, and how when she fantasizes.
This phenomenon often makes many men prone to… well, behave repulsively. They get obsessed with their fetish, try to force it or project it whenever they can, and it becomes completely obsessive and overwhelming. It is easy for them to diminish the value of the partner involved and women tend to find this very unattractive. When their erection fades, they often will battle with shame and guilt and this makes it less likely for them to think about it and analyze their own needs and emotions. Without a firm understanding, it becomes almost impossible to communicate it effectively. The end result is that when people do talk about their fetishes, it is often portrayed in a selfish and unappealing way to anyone who does not share an almost identical fetish.
Even when women do have fetishes, I find they are often much more able to verbalize what aspects they find appealing and how it “talks” to them. The ability to convey enough about what they enjoy frequently makes a woman with fetishes seem sexually free and adventurous. This is a stark contrast to the vision of a single male typing with one hand in a dark room. This also leads me to believe that most women with fetishes tend to require environmental or symbolic links.
I hope that I’m making some sense here in being able to distinguish situations that may not be obvious on the surface when encountering someone with a different set of interests. If not, my bad. I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts today.
I will leave this with an example that I think illustrates the difference. Trampling is a common F/m kink that often puzzles people. If a woman tramples a man, a fetishist might think, “mmm… feet.” A Domme drawn to symbolism might think, “So powerful.” A sub drawn to symbolism might think, “She’s displaying her power.”
I’ve put a lot of thought into this subject because it took me a very long time to realize where these dividing lines fell into me. For a while I thought I had a boatload of fetishes, but upon interacting with fetishists, I realized I was responding in a different way. That key was realizing that the meaning behind an act was more important to me than the act itself. This also meant I would likely be drawn in by almost anything that shared a similar meaning… and for the most part, that has proven itself to be true.
Here they come...
In my last post I had said that I would be sharing some of the posts here that I limited to Wordpress.
One aspect of Wordpress is that it is not very conducive to readers reading older posts, so if someone begins to follow your blog and you have more than a couple dozen posts, reading it from "start" to "now" is nearly impossible mostly due to the interface. It is more conducive reading from "now" to "start," and since that doesn't paint a great picture of things, a lot of people maybe read back a week or two.
Having picked up about 50 followers in the past month there, I have made a handful of posts on topics/content that people reading here may have already seen a dozen times.
Also of note is that a good number of my Wordpress readers are submissive women. A lot of these topics were inspired by comment discussions so some of them may have a more "general D/s" voice instead of the F/m voice I normally write from.
One aspect of Wordpress is that it is not very conducive to readers reading older posts, so if someone begins to follow your blog and you have more than a couple dozen posts, reading it from "start" to "now" is nearly impossible mostly due to the interface. It is more conducive reading from "now" to "start," and since that doesn't paint a great picture of things, a lot of people maybe read back a week or two.
Having picked up about 50 followers in the past month there, I have made a handful of posts on topics/content that people reading here may have already seen a dozen times.
Also of note is that a good number of my Wordpress readers are submissive women. A lot of these topics were inspired by comment discussions so some of them may have a more "general D/s" voice instead of the F/m voice I normally write from.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Just a quick heads up
I have been writing up a storm and have about a dozen posts that I have only posted on Wordpress and not here out of concern that people don't want to read me write about the same things over and over again. My WP version has picked up ~40 followers in the past month so most of what I have been writing is new to them, but it may be the 12th time I have talked about it here.
I feel like I am neglecting this blog a bit in the process. I will likely cross-post the missing content here fairly soon. I haven't decided if I will trickle it out or just post it all at once, but one or the other will probably happen within the next week or so.
I feel like I am neglecting this blog a bit in the process. I will likely cross-post the missing content here fairly soon. I haven't decided if I will trickle it out or just post it all at once, but one or the other will probably happen within the next week or so.
Friday, October 13, 2017
Thoughts on Sub-Frenzy
A week or two ago I was having a discussion in a chat group and I don't even recall the topic. I just remember having the "group think" turning noticeably one-sided (and ignoring say, 60%+ of what exists out there) on a topic that was meant to be a general discussion for D/s of all walks.
In an attempt to steer things to maintain open-mindedness and awareness that dynamics exist out there that aren't long-distance internet-based M/f or DDlg, I remember injecting sub-frenzy as a counter example into the discussion. No one had heard of it. When I began to explain it I was immediately insulted and told that anyone who experiences frenzy is pathetic and a total loser. I left the group shortly after that even though I had been a part of it for well over a year.
As I was thinking about topics to write today I began to think about the huge number of blogs I have read, both recently and in the past, about subs that struggle when the dynamics in their lives begin to wane. This is frequently followed by a series of posts describing an escalating state of desperation, disappointment, and frustration or depression.
For those who aren't familiar with sub-frenzy as a term, I will do my best to describe it. Sub-frenzy is a state that a submissive reaches when they have been unable to to have their submissive needs met for a prolonged period of time. Submissive mental space releases a set of brain chemicals that subs often become dependent upon to feel good. Post-play endorphin and adrenaline highs for masochists also serve a similar role. As with any form of dependence, this can grow addictive, and in its absence, addict-like behaviors are a natural result. Subs that are mired in sexual frustration without release are more susceptible to experience this quite strongly.
For a sub, this often starts by "feeling off." I'm sure at some point you have just felt... not bad, but not good. Your head feels awkward. Thoughts seem cloudy. You struggle with articulating what is wrong. "I just feel off today." Have you ever felt this way? If so, this is the first sign of withdrawl.
If the sub's needs continue to go unmet (and this may only take a couple of days), the ache starts. There's that nagging feeling. A desire to feel submissive. A desire to feel release. You no longer feel uncertain, now you feel certain as the dull ache begins to erode away at you. You can try and steer your thoughts away but the mind inevitably returns: you want your fix. The problem is, whatever was going on in life that let you reach this point may or may not have cleared up. Your dominant is stressed, distant, or unavailable. You know it's unavoidable and you don't want to make them feel bad or guilty about it, so you start dropping hints or making a greater effort to cater to their dominance. Attempting to display a lot of affection or seduction is common as well as trying to make them feel loved and valued. The idea of voicing your needs directly makes you feel needy in a bad way. If they don't respond to your advances the ache becomes a sting and may carry feelings of being rejected.
As things continue, the ache becomes a throb. You need this. It hurts. This is the full force of the addiction. As your attempts to coerce dominance failed, you don't wish to try again. The idea of sharing your needs directly becomes even more daunting. You feel neurotic and high strung. You may deal with this in one or more of a variety of ways. You might withdraw, hoping they will notice that something isn't right. You might act out, hoping they will notice that something isn't right. You might start scouring the internet for porn, erotica, or social media interactions that will help you live vicariously and obtain your fix that way. God, it feels needy. By now, your judgment and decision-making skills may have slipped quite a bit. Your usual outward thoughts are now focused inward and selfish. Why can't they see that I am hurting? Why can't they see that I need this? You become an ugly version of yourself and if/when you recognize it, your emotions completely crash and you feel awful about yourself. This is when the sub depression starts.
The amount of time it takes to reach its early to advanced stages varies greatly from person to person. For some it may take months but others may progress through it in a matter of days.
Hopefully, you have never had to experience this. If you have, hopefully it was only early on before you and your partner learned how to communicate early rather than late and how to be straight forward about your needs to ensure they are met. If you have and still currently experience this, I feel for you. People in long-distance relationships probably know this process VERY well.
Sub frenzy is even harder on single subs. If you have been single for an extended period of time, you probably have felt this to some degree. If you are one of those lucky few that have always had a partner but have been active in a local community or even made kink-oriented friendships through some form of social media there is a good chance you have known a single sub that seems like they are a bit of a mess. Their moods fluctuate up and down. Any fix they get makes them walk on clouds but denied it for a time and they flounder badly. In its absence they become obsessed with finding it. With prolonged absence and they may appear dangerously depressed. It can be hard to watch.
In its advanced stages their moods may start to swing wildly between excited motivation and total despair. Their decision-making may start to grow dangerous. e.g. "I've got a play-date with some random stranger I met on the internet that won't give me their phone number. It's okay though, I'm just supposed to meet them alone at the park at 9pm. They told me to look for the windowless van. I'm so excited!"
You will also see subs who normally just fantasize about submission getting enough courage to try to make it happen. This happens a lot with submissive men but it can happen to both genders. Newbies will often begin to harass dominants and attempt to project and force their personal fetishes upon them. People with experience may begin to lie out their ass and try to present themselves as the absolutely perfect sub. You will see subs who finally get some attention and this is enough to "get their fix" so when it actually becomes time to put up or shut up they chicken out and ghost on the dominant. Others may resort to paying for the service.
It's part of the addiction. It can be ugly. It happens more than people would like to admit. Because it's out there, I think it's better for it to be talked about and for people to be aware of it. I understand that most people don't want to admit that they go through sub frenzy, but I think it makes life a lot easier if all parties are aware of it.
I can say first-hand that this is something I have experienced many times over. I'm not the only one. It sucks. I think many of us have that in common.
In an attempt to steer things to maintain open-mindedness and awareness that dynamics exist out there that aren't long-distance internet-based M/f or DDlg, I remember injecting sub-frenzy as a counter example into the discussion. No one had heard of it. When I began to explain it I was immediately insulted and told that anyone who experiences frenzy is pathetic and a total loser. I left the group shortly after that even though I had been a part of it for well over a year.
As I was thinking about topics to write today I began to think about the huge number of blogs I have read, both recently and in the past, about subs that struggle when the dynamics in their lives begin to wane. This is frequently followed by a series of posts describing an escalating state of desperation, disappointment, and frustration or depression.
For those who aren't familiar with sub-frenzy as a term, I will do my best to describe it. Sub-frenzy is a state that a submissive reaches when they have been unable to to have their submissive needs met for a prolonged period of time. Submissive mental space releases a set of brain chemicals that subs often become dependent upon to feel good. Post-play endorphin and adrenaline highs for masochists also serve a similar role. As with any form of dependence, this can grow addictive, and in its absence, addict-like behaviors are a natural result. Subs that are mired in sexual frustration without release are more susceptible to experience this quite strongly.
For a sub, this often starts by "feeling off." I'm sure at some point you have just felt... not bad, but not good. Your head feels awkward. Thoughts seem cloudy. You struggle with articulating what is wrong. "I just feel off today." Have you ever felt this way? If so, this is the first sign of withdrawl.
If the sub's needs continue to go unmet (and this may only take a couple of days), the ache starts. There's that nagging feeling. A desire to feel submissive. A desire to feel release. You no longer feel uncertain, now you feel certain as the dull ache begins to erode away at you. You can try and steer your thoughts away but the mind inevitably returns: you want your fix. The problem is, whatever was going on in life that let you reach this point may or may not have cleared up. Your dominant is stressed, distant, or unavailable. You know it's unavoidable and you don't want to make them feel bad or guilty about it, so you start dropping hints or making a greater effort to cater to their dominance. Attempting to display a lot of affection or seduction is common as well as trying to make them feel loved and valued. The idea of voicing your needs directly makes you feel needy in a bad way. If they don't respond to your advances the ache becomes a sting and may carry feelings of being rejected.
As things continue, the ache becomes a throb. You need this. It hurts. This is the full force of the addiction. As your attempts to coerce dominance failed, you don't wish to try again. The idea of sharing your needs directly becomes even more daunting. You feel neurotic and high strung. You may deal with this in one or more of a variety of ways. You might withdraw, hoping they will notice that something isn't right. You might act out, hoping they will notice that something isn't right. You might start scouring the internet for porn, erotica, or social media interactions that will help you live vicariously and obtain your fix that way. God, it feels needy. By now, your judgment and decision-making skills may have slipped quite a bit. Your usual outward thoughts are now focused inward and selfish. Why can't they see that I am hurting? Why can't they see that I need this? You become an ugly version of yourself and if/when you recognize it, your emotions completely crash and you feel awful about yourself. This is when the sub depression starts.
The amount of time it takes to reach its early to advanced stages varies greatly from person to person. For some it may take months but others may progress through it in a matter of days.
Hopefully, you have never had to experience this. If you have, hopefully it was only early on before you and your partner learned how to communicate early rather than late and how to be straight forward about your needs to ensure they are met. If you have and still currently experience this, I feel for you. People in long-distance relationships probably know this process VERY well.
Sub frenzy is even harder on single subs. If you have been single for an extended period of time, you probably have felt this to some degree. If you are one of those lucky few that have always had a partner but have been active in a local community or even made kink-oriented friendships through some form of social media there is a good chance you have known a single sub that seems like they are a bit of a mess. Their moods fluctuate up and down. Any fix they get makes them walk on clouds but denied it for a time and they flounder badly. In its absence they become obsessed with finding it. With prolonged absence and they may appear dangerously depressed. It can be hard to watch.
In its advanced stages their moods may start to swing wildly between excited motivation and total despair. Their decision-making may start to grow dangerous. e.g. "I've got a play-date with some random stranger I met on the internet that won't give me their phone number. It's okay though, I'm just supposed to meet them alone at the park at 9pm. They told me to look for the windowless van. I'm so excited!"
You will also see subs who normally just fantasize about submission getting enough courage to try to make it happen. This happens a lot with submissive men but it can happen to both genders. Newbies will often begin to harass dominants and attempt to project and force their personal fetishes upon them. People with experience may begin to lie out their ass and try to present themselves as the absolutely perfect sub. You will see subs who finally get some attention and this is enough to "get their fix" so when it actually becomes time to put up or shut up they chicken out and ghost on the dominant. Others may resort to paying for the service.
It's part of the addiction. It can be ugly. It happens more than people would like to admit. Because it's out there, I think it's better for it to be talked about and for people to be aware of it. I understand that most people don't want to admit that they go through sub frenzy, but I think it makes life a lot easier if all parties are aware of it.
I can say first-hand that this is something I have experienced many times over. I'm not the only one. It sucks. I think many of us have that in common.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Thoughts on Pegging
To be honest, pegging scares the hell out of me. It makes me cringe. It makes me squirm. It makes every nerve in my body go active and I want to run away. Anything near my hole has me cringing, screaming, and struggling. It seriously terrifies me.
Anal penetration was a hard limit of mine for years. Years. It was up there with "nothing illegal" and "no scat." It took a desperate series of events for me to relax this limit. It was a last ditch effort to save what was broken. I felt inadequate and like I had to be more. I wanted to be able to be everything.
There are times when I wonder if I have some deeply repressed memory that I haven't managed to locate that would explain my body's reaction. It reacts like PTSD. Like there was trauma.
The first time I allowed myself to be penetrated, I didn't care about topping from the bottom. I knew she wanted it and I prepared myself with what would have to be done. When we talked about it, I explained it. I must be absolutely restrained with locks, chains, and a spreader bar. I must have no means to be able to close my legs or interfere with my hands. I must be gagged. My predictions were correct. I fought. I fought hard. I shrieked and screamed into the ball gag. I tugged and tussled and even tried to flip over. I sobbed and wailed. I trembled to my core.
I just wanted to get away. Anywhere but here. Anything else but this. My worst fear was happening.
She was gentle. It didn't matter. I hated it. I wanted it to stop. I just wanted to get away.
When it was all over, I laid there, a sobbing, broken, and crumpled mess. She unlocked my restraints and held me tight. I sobbed and sobbed, unable to speak. I was broken. I was defiled. I was nothing. I was an empty shell. I was her submissive.
We did it several more times after that. Each time setting up the intricate system of chains and locks that rendered me completely helpless. Each time she gagged me tight. Each time I felt myself react and break as she penetrated me. I cried every time. It never got easier. My body still thrashed as I shrieked into the rubber ball. I was the same mess in its aftermath... every time.
Beforehand, we had a ritual that would get me mentally prepared. The process was to diminish me. Lower my worth. Lower my status. Reinforce my purpose. I was to be her hole to be used. She would dress me like a sissy whore. I was to be locked in chastity to make sure there was nothing sexually pleasurable about it. Sometimes she would blindfold me. Sometimes she would fill my ears with cotton and earplugs. I was just a hole to be used.
When I was trussed up and in position she would leave the room and change into the clothes that made her feel the sexiest. She would make me wait. I would stew in my restraints, having my terror build as the time would pass. When she would arrive she would beat me while scolding me and informing me... that I was just a hole to be used.
After a month of so, something happened that began to terrify me. I would get an erection when I would think about it or when we would talk about it. I began to draw pegging scenes. I began to crave the darkness of the feelings that would overwhelm me when I broke.
It still feels very confusing. I can rationalize what aspects of it that I want. I am not comfortable verbalizing the desire. I like to feel broken. It brings about my purest form of service. I exist... solely for her. Pegging serves as the key. I feel fucked up.
Anal penetration was a hard limit of mine for years. Years. It was up there with "nothing illegal" and "no scat." It took a desperate series of events for me to relax this limit. It was a last ditch effort to save what was broken. I felt inadequate and like I had to be more. I wanted to be able to be everything.
There are times when I wonder if I have some deeply repressed memory that I haven't managed to locate that would explain my body's reaction. It reacts like PTSD. Like there was trauma.
The first time I allowed myself to be penetrated, I didn't care about topping from the bottom. I knew she wanted it and I prepared myself with what would have to be done. When we talked about it, I explained it. I must be absolutely restrained with locks, chains, and a spreader bar. I must have no means to be able to close my legs or interfere with my hands. I must be gagged. My predictions were correct. I fought. I fought hard. I shrieked and screamed into the ball gag. I tugged and tussled and even tried to flip over. I sobbed and wailed. I trembled to my core.
I just wanted to get away. Anywhere but here. Anything else but this. My worst fear was happening.
She was gentle. It didn't matter. I hated it. I wanted it to stop. I just wanted to get away.
When it was all over, I laid there, a sobbing, broken, and crumpled mess. She unlocked my restraints and held me tight. I sobbed and sobbed, unable to speak. I was broken. I was defiled. I was nothing. I was an empty shell. I was her submissive.
We did it several more times after that. Each time setting up the intricate system of chains and locks that rendered me completely helpless. Each time she gagged me tight. Each time I felt myself react and break as she penetrated me. I cried every time. It never got easier. My body still thrashed as I shrieked into the rubber ball. I was the same mess in its aftermath... every time.
Beforehand, we had a ritual that would get me mentally prepared. The process was to diminish me. Lower my worth. Lower my status. Reinforce my purpose. I was to be her hole to be used. She would dress me like a sissy whore. I was to be locked in chastity to make sure there was nothing sexually pleasurable about it. Sometimes she would blindfold me. Sometimes she would fill my ears with cotton and earplugs. I was just a hole to be used.
When I was trussed up and in position she would leave the room and change into the clothes that made her feel the sexiest. She would make me wait. I would stew in my restraints, having my terror build as the time would pass. When she would arrive she would beat me while scolding me and informing me... that I was just a hole to be used.
After a month of so, something happened that began to terrify me. I would get an erection when I would think about it or when we would talk about it. I began to draw pegging scenes. I began to crave the darkness of the feelings that would overwhelm me when I broke.
It still feels very confusing. I can rationalize what aspects of it that I want. I am not comfortable verbalizing the desire. I like to feel broken. It brings about my purest form of service. I exist... solely for her. Pegging serves as the key. I feel fucked up.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Returning to Earth
I've been pretty damn emo with some of my posts lately. While it might seem like wanton gut-spilling, I'm actually finding that it is helping me to solidify my understanding of what is going on inside.
When analyzing myself I've always believed in brutal honesty. Even if it is unpleasant and hurts, I've never felt there was a point to it unless I lay it out there as objectively as possible. If I'm going to learn anything from it, I have to be willing to face the worst and most shameful parts of myself.
I'm going to try to dial it back a bit on that front, but I am feeling like I am in a better place with what I've been digging through. Often the thoughts are fleeting and it felt beneficial to organize them all in one place and commit them to the written word.
Thank you for reading.
When analyzing myself I've always believed in brutal honesty. Even if it is unpleasant and hurts, I've never felt there was a point to it unless I lay it out there as objectively as possible. If I'm going to learn anything from it, I have to be willing to face the worst and most shameful parts of myself.
I'm going to try to dial it back a bit on that front, but I am feeling like I am in a better place with what I've been digging through. Often the thoughts are fleeting and it felt beneficial to organize them all in one place and commit them to the written word.
Thank you for reading.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
What would they think?
I have to say that I am having some very excellent conversations with others via comments both on my blog and on theirs. This is the part that I love so much about blogging and the blog community. I have recently had a couple of recurring themes popping up that relate to some of my more recent posts. A lot of it focuses around shame and self-acceptance.
It took me years before I spilled my guts on my sexuality during adolescence. In case it got lost on anyone, I will spell it out right here (and yes, I am blushing).
I have never had an orgasm outside of a Femdom context. My earliest masturbation habits always involved being dominated by a woman (I was probably 11-12). I cannot get an erection to "standard" things like porn and naked women.
For the entirety of my life I have been haunted by one big question: What would they think?
What would women think if they knew about me? What would they think if they knew what got me off? If they knew the extent of my perversions?
I know that nearly everyone who is involved in kink has probably had thoughts or doubts that are similar to these. However, most people that I know who are involved in kink have a couple of key characteristics for them to fall back on:
Society told me I wanted those things. The "guys" talked like everyone needed to want those things. I wanted to be tied up and kept as her pet. I hid this. I tried to bury it. I always lost. It always won. I would jerk off and hate myself for it. I would jerk off and want to cry at how fucked up I was. While I wanted to be loved, I was terrified at revealing my true self. I was terrified that I would be rejected. I was terrified that they would tell everyone else and no one would want me. I was absolutely convinced that it would lead to abandonment. Not a great fear for someone who was put up for adoption.
As much as I wanted love, the thought of being unable to perform scared the living hell out of me. It bothered me that I didn't get an erection the first time I held hands with and embraced a girl. It bothered me that I didn't get an erection the first time I kissed a girl. It bothered me that I needed to picture her straddling me while I was bound and helpless to get aroused. It bothered me that if a girl in a fur-trimmed coat gave me a hug and it brushed my cheek that I immediately got an erection and pictured her straddling me while I was bound and helpless.
What would they think of me if they knew the true me? This thought was always present in the back of my mind from age 13 to 24, and still lingers in some deep part of my soul.
I have a pretty good read of people. I have known people from all walks, all backgrounds, that were of varying race, religion, and sexuality. My educational background in college had me studying many different fields with a sound understanding of demographics. Getting to know people on a personal level (while hiding my secret) allowed me to understand a lot of how people tick.
While everyone is unique, people also have a lot of similarities. When you look at populations you start to see trends with historical evidence to back them up. People fear and shun what is different. People are made uncomfortable by concepts that are unfamiliar to them. When confronted with something that makes them uncomfortable, they will fall back on ingrained personal principles to cope with it. Not all of these principles are kind, accepting, or tolerant.
What would they think of me if they knew the real me? Well, if we took a random assortment of 10 vanilla women +/- 5 years of me, I'm pretty certain that at least 2-3 of them would be offended my existence. I would be a blight of society and a symbol of the failings of religion and public education. I would be the person that wasn't missed if the gestapo came and dragged me away.
There would probably be 1-2 that were intrigued. These are the types that enjoy being the beard to a gay male. Because I am straight, they would likely poke and prod a bit, possibly being a little bit playful, but altogether, having a secret pervert for a friend does not provide the same novelty. In most cases they would keep their distance, never being overtly rude, but placing a glass ceiling on how close we would get as friends. They might even go out of their way to make sure they did not cater to my fetish set in any way. The idea that I would be attracted to them would make them uncomfortable in a bad way. As much as they might enjoy my uniqueness, I mostly provide value as an "I know this guy that's into ______," story to impress others.
That leaves 5-7 others. The middle ground is always the hardest because these people will struggle as their idealized ethics and morality will conflict with their actual thoughts. They might want to know why. They might be curious about basics. They want to be open-minded, so overt rudeness is unlikely. "To each their own." "Whatever makes you happy." "Whatever floats your boat." The niceties are code words for, "you make me uncomfortable, but I am determined to remain polite."
If they brave to know more beyond their comfort zone, that is where the reactions can't be hidden so easily. Gasps. Gum smacking. Smirks. Frowning head shakes. These mannerisms tell the story, they are judging me. The interactions will devolve from here. The barriers will go up as they process. Most likely they will have no interest in interacting ever again but they will have an "oh my God, I met this freak" story to tell their closest friends over drinks.
The process will vary a lot within these. The battle going on will be of varying degrees. There will be some sympathy, but how much is shown will depend upon how foreign I am to them. If one of them had a gay uncle they were close with that was ostracized by the family when he came out and eventually committed suicide, they will likely express this sympathy. If 95% of the people they have interacted with at length were the same race, religion, and economic background, there is a greater chance they will lean to hidden disgust.
For someone to accept me, a sample size of 10 is probably too small. 60 might find someone who would actually feel comfortable engaging me on a personal and friendly level.
I'm certain that someone has rolled their eyes by now and are thinking "dude, you're so full of shit, you can't cram people into a box like that and treat generalizations like they are fact." I won't argue with that, but I would counter that I'm not trying to say all of this is true, it is merely how my brain perceives it being true to me. Yes, I am a 10th degree black belt at twisting semantics to justify flawed logic in a manner that fits the broken way that my heart perceives my place in this world.
Something I haven't really written about in detail is that I have outed myself as a submissive to at least 20 vanilla friends. 21 actually if I count them all. 17 were women, 4 were men. I have 3 friends left: 2 men, 1 woman. With the majority of them I only grazed the surface. Some principles about D/s and the like. I have watched people shift their perception of me on a dime. I have watched them fade away because they had no interest in being a part of my life after that. While I may have made up some numbers for this example, the truth of it is that they are based upon my experiences.
I am a subscriber to Cooley's theory of the looking-glass self. My perceptions were formed by where I fit and how others have acted/reacted to me. This is the source of my inherent shame.
What would they think of me? I painfully know the answer to that.
When I get teased, I feel the truth shining through. I feel shame because I am shameful. I feel like if I try to believe a different perspective that I will simply be lying to myself. Instead, I accept it as truth. When I feel someone being that honest with me, I feel warm inside. It means they see the real me, the true me, and they do not reject me.
My means of coping with this is that really, I only need one person on the planet to accept all of me. I value her honesty and do not mind if she uses it to control me. She becomes the only one that I need. She is my savior. She is the one I have been searching for. I will love her with my all. She is the beautiful and amazing Goddess that sees a shameful wretch like me and understands what I can become. This is the blissful existence I long for.
Is that wrong?
It took me years before I spilled my guts on my sexuality during adolescence. In case it got lost on anyone, I will spell it out right here (and yes, I am blushing).
I have never had an orgasm outside of a Femdom context. My earliest masturbation habits always involved being dominated by a woman (I was probably 11-12). I cannot get an erection to "standard" things like porn and naked women.
For the entirety of my life I have been haunted by one big question: What would they think?
What would women think if they knew about me? What would they think if they knew what got me off? If they knew the extent of my perversions?
I know that nearly everyone who is involved in kink has probably had thoughts or doubts that are similar to these. However, most people that I know who are involved in kink have a couple of key characteristics for them to fall back on:
- The majority of them can still achieve climax and arousal by "standard" means, e.g. vanilla sex.
- The majority of them did not have to worry about these fears until after they reached adulthood. 18+, 21+, whatever. Most people don't get into kink until it is legal to be into kink and people with sexual experience are more likely to experiment.
Society told me I wanted those things. The "guys" talked like everyone needed to want those things. I wanted to be tied up and kept as her pet. I hid this. I tried to bury it. I always lost. It always won. I would jerk off and hate myself for it. I would jerk off and want to cry at how fucked up I was. While I wanted to be loved, I was terrified at revealing my true self. I was terrified that I would be rejected. I was terrified that they would tell everyone else and no one would want me. I was absolutely convinced that it would lead to abandonment. Not a great fear for someone who was put up for adoption.
As much as I wanted love, the thought of being unable to perform scared the living hell out of me. It bothered me that I didn't get an erection the first time I held hands with and embraced a girl. It bothered me that I didn't get an erection the first time I kissed a girl. It bothered me that I needed to picture her straddling me while I was bound and helpless to get aroused. It bothered me that if a girl in a fur-trimmed coat gave me a hug and it brushed my cheek that I immediately got an erection and pictured her straddling me while I was bound and helpless.
What would they think of me if they knew the true me? This thought was always present in the back of my mind from age 13 to 24, and still lingers in some deep part of my soul.
I have a pretty good read of people. I have known people from all walks, all backgrounds, that were of varying race, religion, and sexuality. My educational background in college had me studying many different fields with a sound understanding of demographics. Getting to know people on a personal level (while hiding my secret) allowed me to understand a lot of how people tick.
While everyone is unique, people also have a lot of similarities. When you look at populations you start to see trends with historical evidence to back them up. People fear and shun what is different. People are made uncomfortable by concepts that are unfamiliar to them. When confronted with something that makes them uncomfortable, they will fall back on ingrained personal principles to cope with it. Not all of these principles are kind, accepting, or tolerant.
What would they think of me if they knew the real me? Well, if we took a random assortment of 10 vanilla women +/- 5 years of me, I'm pretty certain that at least 2-3 of them would be offended my existence. I would be a blight of society and a symbol of the failings of religion and public education. I would be the person that wasn't missed if the gestapo came and dragged me away.
There would probably be 1-2 that were intrigued. These are the types that enjoy being the beard to a gay male. Because I am straight, they would likely poke and prod a bit, possibly being a little bit playful, but altogether, having a secret pervert for a friend does not provide the same novelty. In most cases they would keep their distance, never being overtly rude, but placing a glass ceiling on how close we would get as friends. They might even go out of their way to make sure they did not cater to my fetish set in any way. The idea that I would be attracted to them would make them uncomfortable in a bad way. As much as they might enjoy my uniqueness, I mostly provide value as an "I know this guy that's into ______," story to impress others.
That leaves 5-7 others. The middle ground is always the hardest because these people will struggle as their idealized ethics and morality will conflict with their actual thoughts. They might want to know why. They might be curious about basics. They want to be open-minded, so overt rudeness is unlikely. "To each their own." "Whatever makes you happy." "Whatever floats your boat." The niceties are code words for, "you make me uncomfortable, but I am determined to remain polite."
If they brave to know more beyond their comfort zone, that is where the reactions can't be hidden so easily. Gasps. Gum smacking. Smirks. Frowning head shakes. These mannerisms tell the story, they are judging me. The interactions will devolve from here. The barriers will go up as they process. Most likely they will have no interest in interacting ever again but they will have an "oh my God, I met this freak" story to tell their closest friends over drinks.
The process will vary a lot within these. The battle going on will be of varying degrees. There will be some sympathy, but how much is shown will depend upon how foreign I am to them. If one of them had a gay uncle they were close with that was ostracized by the family when he came out and eventually committed suicide, they will likely express this sympathy. If 95% of the people they have interacted with at length were the same race, religion, and economic background, there is a greater chance they will lean to hidden disgust.
For someone to accept me, a sample size of 10 is probably too small. 60 might find someone who would actually feel comfortable engaging me on a personal and friendly level.
I'm certain that someone has rolled their eyes by now and are thinking "dude, you're so full of shit, you can't cram people into a box like that and treat generalizations like they are fact." I won't argue with that, but I would counter that I'm not trying to say all of this is true, it is merely how my brain perceives it being true to me. Yes, I am a 10th degree black belt at twisting semantics to justify flawed logic in a manner that fits the broken way that my heart perceives my place in this world.
Something I haven't really written about in detail is that I have outed myself as a submissive to at least 20 vanilla friends. 21 actually if I count them all. 17 were women, 4 were men. I have 3 friends left: 2 men, 1 woman. With the majority of them I only grazed the surface. Some principles about D/s and the like. I have watched people shift their perception of me on a dime. I have watched them fade away because they had no interest in being a part of my life after that. While I may have made up some numbers for this example, the truth of it is that they are based upon my experiences.
I am a subscriber to Cooley's theory of the looking-glass self. My perceptions were formed by where I fit and how others have acted/reacted to me. This is the source of my inherent shame.
What would they think of me? I painfully know the answer to that.
When I get teased, I feel the truth shining through. I feel shame because I am shameful. I feel like if I try to believe a different perspective that I will simply be lying to myself. Instead, I accept it as truth. When I feel someone being that honest with me, I feel warm inside. It means they see the real me, the true me, and they do not reject me.
My means of coping with this is that really, I only need one person on the planet to accept all of me. I value her honesty and do not mind if she uses it to control me. She becomes the only one that I need. She is my savior. She is the one I have been searching for. I will love her with my all. She is the beautiful and amazing Goddess that sees a shameful wretch like me and understands what I can become. This is the blissful existence I long for.
Is that wrong?
Fantasy Drawing #1 2017
So...
I completed my first fantasy drawing since 2012. I'm rusty and out of practice (not that I was ever particularly good at drawing before the hiatus), so I skimped a bit on detail and shading in favor of getting it done as I had envisioned it.
This easily could be a scene from fs01... and wanted to sort of roll with that vibe a bit. It has a lot of the normal stuff I draw in it as well as a return of the framed mantras. I thought about going with some dialogue but decided to let the picture tell the story.
I hope you enjoy it.
I completed my first fantasy drawing since 2012. I'm rusty and out of practice (not that I was ever particularly good at drawing before the hiatus), so I skimped a bit on detail and shading in favor of getting it done as I had envisioned it.
This easily could be a scene from fs01... and wanted to sort of roll with that vibe a bit. It has a lot of the normal stuff I draw in it as well as a return of the framed mantras. I thought about going with some dialogue but decided to let the picture tell the story.
I hope you enjoy it.
Sunday, October 8, 2017
Odd Blogger Stats
I can't help but feel like interest in this blog is fading away. My traffic on WP is growing steadily. My traffic here on blogger absolutely crashed in 2016. I don't know if you remember when Chrome announced they would be blocking sites that didn't have https, but after I enabled https on this site, my traffic cut in half. I can understand traffic taking a dip when I stop writing for a period of time, but traffic when I am writing regularly is actually lower than that span where I made like 6 blog posts in 3+ years. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it, but my best guess is because this blog is pretty much invisible to google.
You'll find me on yahoo, bing, and the like quite easily. Google requires some very specific search terms or it just isn't there. e.g. there was a time if you searched for "fur sissy humiliation" I would be the first 20 results and first 40 pictures. Now I don't even show up. Sort of a bummer.
It does sort of bother me, but not enough to the point where I will quit writing.
You'll find me on yahoo, bing, and the like quite easily. Google requires some very specific search terms or it just isn't there. e.g. there was a time if you searched for "fur sissy humiliation" I would be the first 20 results and first 40 pictures. Now I don't even show up. Sort of a bummer.
It does sort of bother me, but not enough to the point where I will quit writing.
Forced Masculinization
Over the years I have often found it difficult when trying to discuss the concepts of forced feminization and related humiliation with women. It is a topic that can be difficult for them to empathize with because there isn't really an apples to apples comparison that they can envision. Forced masculinization is something I had touched on jokingly in years past but I had never really taken it seriously enough to explore it. Some comments on one of Domina Jen's recent posts got me thinking about it more over the past week or so. While it doesn't provide a comparison, I think it does provide some insights.
I will write about this as if it actually exists... even though it doesn't.
Forced masculinization is when a dominant controls the physical appearance a female submissive. There are frequent rules governing the appearance of the sub, intending to strip her of her femininity and make her appear with more male/masculine characteristics.
Some common rules:
I do have a feeling that many women would dislike being masculinized. One aspect is that some women have a lot of their confidence tied to their physical appearance and feeling attractive. This would probably take away some confidence by making them less attractive. Another aspect, and probably the more important one, is the concept of choice. If a woman chooses to skip on make-up, skip shaving, sport a low-maintenance haircut, and go with pants, a sweatshirt, and flat shoes for the day, that is her choice to do so. By requiring that, the freedom of choice vanishes and it makes the same options less appealing when you feel trapped by them. If a woman were to gain submissive feelings from such an arrangement, I would have to believe it is mostly because of the removal of choice and the control it symbolizes.
(This differs a bit for men and forced feminization. Domina Jen recently wrote about how a man's masculinity plays heavily into their identity so stripping them of it will often feel humiliating and degrading. I agree although I would add that if you are male and were raised with frequent exposure to your peer group, developing this identity becomes almost a necessary part of your survival during formative years and often taints how we see ourselves as adults. On the second front, I believe that freedom of choice also plays a very large part in this.)
So why don't people choose to do this? I have known male dominants, heterosexual female dominants that take on women subs, bisexual female dominants, and lesbian female dominants and none of them that I have known have ever chosen to engage in this activity. One aspect is that it doesn't induce the same level of shame as it does when feminizing a male, so a dominant wishing to humiliate their sub can find more effective ways to do so. Another aspect is that I have never met a woman that had this for a fetish. While I have met a good number who have had forced bi fantasies, they didn't involve any gender reversal on their part. I have also yet to meet a submissive woman with a "butch butler" fantasy. The absence of the fantasy makes it less likely to happen.
The last reason I can think of is the differences in what people find attractive across the genders. Men and frequently women, tend to find the female form to be visually appealing. In the lifestyle you are more likely to find dominants having their subs dress (or not dress) in ways that they find MORE appealing, and not less appealing.
By contrast, when you see photos or accounts posted of feminized males, there tend to be two types. 1. Slender and soft featured men that can be quite passable as a woman. 2. The hairy and sometimes overweight older guy that looks pretty awful en femme. In general, you don't see the chiseled and handsome Adonis of a man decked out in a maid's dress. Women tend to be attracted to different things, but it seems that feminization seems to be most common in situations where it either makes the male look more pretty or completely terrible. When completely terrible is the choice I have to believe this provides an amusement factor that provides the motivation for doing so. I could be wrong here, but this is what I have gathered over the years.
Unfortunately this example doesn't really give any insight into curious women as to the humiliation of men that are feminized. The control/forced aspects probably appeal to submission for both sides, but little beyond that.
In general, when I have tried to explain a scenario that a submissive woman could picture with similar levels of embarrassment to a feminized male, the best example I could come up with (assuming that the woman generally dresses in an "ordinary" way) is to dress like how they would picture a street-walking hooker (not an upscale Charlie Sheen-catering hooker), or like a total bimbette. This frequently gives "enough" insight into what it would be like, but it still doesn't cover the entire spectrum of emotions.
I'm open to input on the subject if anyone has any ideas that contrast, conflict, or elaborate upon mine.
I will write about this as if it actually exists... even though it doesn't.
Forced masculinization is when a dominant controls the physical appearance a female submissive. There are frequent rules governing the appearance of the sub, intending to strip her of her femininity and make her appear with more male/masculine characteristics.
Some common rules:
- The sub is not permitted to wear panties, briefs, or thongs. The sub may only wear boxers or boxer briefs.
- The sub must keep her hair cut short with the permitted length determined by the dominant.
- The sub must always wear a sports bra or similarly restrictive undergarment to limit breast prominence.
- The sub is not permitted to wear skirts or dresses. The sub may only wear pants or appropriate length shorts.
- The sub is not permitted to wear makeup or paint their nails. Nails must be kept trimmed short.
- The sub is not permitted to shave their leg or armpit hair.
- The sub is not permitted to wear high-heeled shoes or boots.
- The sub must refer to their clitoris as their "butch dickie."
- Frequently a dominant to dress their masculinized sub in a tuxedo and force them to serve as a butler.
- Some dominants will take their sub out to popular male clothing stores and with assistance in their fitting by a sales associate, with the obvious intent that the clothes are meant for her.
- Some dominants will show off their masculinized sub to their dominant friends, encouraging them to make comments about how handsome she looks.
- Some dominants will force their sub to engage in bisexual activities, frequently ordering them to go down on another woman.
- It is common for a dominant to call their sub by a masculine form of their name. e.g. Erika becomes Erik, Stephanie becomes Stephen, Alexis becomes Alex, and so on.
- Some dominants will limit the sub's permissible physical contact to firm handshakes, high-fives, fist bumps, and bro hugs.
I do have a feeling that many women would dislike being masculinized. One aspect is that some women have a lot of their confidence tied to their physical appearance and feeling attractive. This would probably take away some confidence by making them less attractive. Another aspect, and probably the more important one, is the concept of choice. If a woman chooses to skip on make-up, skip shaving, sport a low-maintenance haircut, and go with pants, a sweatshirt, and flat shoes for the day, that is her choice to do so. By requiring that, the freedom of choice vanishes and it makes the same options less appealing when you feel trapped by them. If a woman were to gain submissive feelings from such an arrangement, I would have to believe it is mostly because of the removal of choice and the control it symbolizes.
(This differs a bit for men and forced feminization. Domina Jen recently wrote about how a man's masculinity plays heavily into their identity so stripping them of it will often feel humiliating and degrading. I agree although I would add that if you are male and were raised with frequent exposure to your peer group, developing this identity becomes almost a necessary part of your survival during formative years and often taints how we see ourselves as adults. On the second front, I believe that freedom of choice also plays a very large part in this.)
So why don't people choose to do this? I have known male dominants, heterosexual female dominants that take on women subs, bisexual female dominants, and lesbian female dominants and none of them that I have known have ever chosen to engage in this activity. One aspect is that it doesn't induce the same level of shame as it does when feminizing a male, so a dominant wishing to humiliate their sub can find more effective ways to do so. Another aspect is that I have never met a woman that had this for a fetish. While I have met a good number who have had forced bi fantasies, they didn't involve any gender reversal on their part. I have also yet to meet a submissive woman with a "butch butler" fantasy. The absence of the fantasy makes it less likely to happen.
The last reason I can think of is the differences in what people find attractive across the genders. Men and frequently women, tend to find the female form to be visually appealing. In the lifestyle you are more likely to find dominants having their subs dress (or not dress) in ways that they find MORE appealing, and not less appealing.
By contrast, when you see photos or accounts posted of feminized males, there tend to be two types. 1. Slender and soft featured men that can be quite passable as a woman. 2. The hairy and sometimes overweight older guy that looks pretty awful en femme. In general, you don't see the chiseled and handsome Adonis of a man decked out in a maid's dress. Women tend to be attracted to different things, but it seems that feminization seems to be most common in situations where it either makes the male look more pretty or completely terrible. When completely terrible is the choice I have to believe this provides an amusement factor that provides the motivation for doing so. I could be wrong here, but this is what I have gathered over the years.
Unfortunately this example doesn't really give any insight into curious women as to the humiliation of men that are feminized. The control/forced aspects probably appeal to submission for both sides, but little beyond that.
In general, when I have tried to explain a scenario that a submissive woman could picture with similar levels of embarrassment to a feminized male, the best example I could come up with (assuming that the woman generally dresses in an "ordinary" way) is to dress like how they would picture a street-walking hooker (not an upscale Charlie Sheen-catering hooker), or like a total bimbette. This frequently gives "enough" insight into what it would be like, but it still doesn't cover the entire spectrum of emotions.
I'm open to input on the subject if anyone has any ideas that contrast, conflict, or elaborate upon mine.
Writing Mania
When I average more than a post a day for an extended period of time I think it's pretty safe to say that I'm in a mania. It is part of my depression cycle but I honestly don't mind the absurdly motivated state that I get into with this phase.
The downside of it is that I get hooked by the attention. I love hearing from people and interacting with them. The more comments I receive, the more I want to write. When I start banging away on a keyboard I can usually make posts take shape fairly quickly. The downside is that I inevitably will run out of topics that are meaningful to me right now and start rehashing things over and over again.
While my Wordpress blog is fairly new so it probably isn't as big of a factor there, it probably gets a bit stale for the veteran readers on Blogger. I also worry that I may be likely to "chase reactions" by choosing topics and views that are most likely to flow with the "tone" of the feedback that I do get.
It's not that what I write about aren't things I am interested in... it's just that there's an obvious difference in quality and a fresher point of view when it is something that currently relates to my current feelings and experiences.
I don't know, I guess I just feel like I'm getting a little bit crazy and I'm having trouble differentiating if what I have been writing is good and interesting or not or if I am merely writing to hear from people. I'm also wondering if this is a bad thing. I feel better when I write than when I don't.
Historically, when I slip off the deep end someone usually scolds me and I crash back to reality.
That being said, if anyone has any questions or topics they would like me to write about, I'm always looking for ideas.
The downside of it is that I get hooked by the attention. I love hearing from people and interacting with them. The more comments I receive, the more I want to write. When I start banging away on a keyboard I can usually make posts take shape fairly quickly. The downside is that I inevitably will run out of topics that are meaningful to me right now and start rehashing things over and over again.
While my Wordpress blog is fairly new so it probably isn't as big of a factor there, it probably gets a bit stale for the veteran readers on Blogger. I also worry that I may be likely to "chase reactions" by choosing topics and views that are most likely to flow with the "tone" of the feedback that I do get.
It's not that what I write about aren't things I am interested in... it's just that there's an obvious difference in quality and a fresher point of view when it is something that currently relates to my current feelings and experiences.
I don't know, I guess I just feel like I'm getting a little bit crazy and I'm having trouble differentiating if what I have been writing is good and interesting or not or if I am merely writing to hear from people. I'm also wondering if this is a bad thing. I feel better when I write than when I don't.
Historically, when I slip off the deep end someone usually scolds me and I crash back to reality.
That being said, if anyone has any questions or topics they would like me to write about, I'm always looking for ideas.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Thoughts on D/s Relationships
In a lot of ways you would think that it would be easier for those in the lifestyle to communicate with one another because we share so much in common. Unfortunately there is often a clash of understanding since our backgrounds and belief structure tend to differ so greatly. A lot of the time I enjoy talking about the differences, especially to hear people's reasons for why they believe what they do. A lot of times it doesn't bode well though. I don't have to agree with someone, but I do like to understand them. Trying to maintain an open view can be hit or miss.
People who inject D/s into an existing relationship will have a very unique perspective on things. There are many couples that are the "we were married 20 years but then started..." type. Having half a lifetime worth of experiences that build love, trust, faith, and belief in the other makes these situations their own type. They loved first, added kink later. Within these you will find a very different outlook between women who found their husband's secret desired submission and those who as a couple embraced a new lifestyle together.
When the desire is asymmetrical, things can often be rocky. I would have to say that from my experiences, there are more men who want their wife to be (more) dominant than Dommes that wish their husbands were more submissive. This same type of friction can happen in newer relationships as well.
The largest contrasting group as a whole are those who seek out relationships to be D/s from the start. This brings about the frequently awful world of kink dating and the differences people desire. While there are a group of men who get cowardly and ghost once things start to get serious, there are a lot of men that are looking to commit seriously. A lot of them tend to be willing to compromise, accept what is offered, and are just happy to be with a Domme.
This can be a bit different with women. Some of them are seeking a perfect soulmate and will not settle for anything less. Others want a long-term partner and are willing to accept a couple of flaws as long as the "base material" is a good fit. Others expect relationships to have a shelf-life that will naturally run its course. Some look to put together a composite of what they are looking for by accepting multiple subs of varying strengths. Some are poly and don't try to limit their love to one person. Some are poly and want those that serve as lovers and those who fill functional roles. Others want to cuckold a man, so they are seeking two partners. The list goes on.
This doesn't even have preferences in mind. Are they seeking a slave? A submissive life-partner? A beta to run with their alpha? Another alpha to dominate? A houseboy/maid? When communication gets difficult, frequently it is because the fundamentals of their search and process differ.
Making it even more complicated is the desired dynamics. Master/slave? Female superiority/supremacy? FLR? 24/7? Bedroom only? Somewhere in between?
Is it consent-based? Unconditional consent/conditional non-consent/meta-consent? Will the sub be respected as an equal? Treated as an inferior? Respected but not equal? Will there be love? Will it be formal?
Another major factor is experience level. Veterans to the lifestyle tend to be fairly set in their ways. Newbies are closer to a blank slate but often have unrealistic expectations. People with similar experience levels are often best suited to "evolve together," as no one is playing catch up. This has a pretty large impact upon it all. Do people still have doubts or are they confident in their role and abilities? Will someone be grounded in reality or still floating around with fantasy desires?
It is strange because I have had experience with lifestyle veterans, newer Dommes, and with people who have a lot of lifestyle experience but new to the role of dominant. With newer Dommes, a lot of their growth developed around some of the dynamics that affected me the most. With the veteran, once she had a good grasp of how my mind worked as a submissive, she actually refined her methods in a similar way. The primary difference between them was that she was a lot more confident in pushing me from the start.
I should note that all of my relationships have been loving even though the parties involved varied greatly by age, preferences, and experience. This always makes me think that while there might be all of this focus upon flavors, that personal compatibility is still probably the most important factor. When you care about each other, things seem to find a way to work.
People who inject D/s into an existing relationship will have a very unique perspective on things. There are many couples that are the "we were married 20 years but then started..." type. Having half a lifetime worth of experiences that build love, trust, faith, and belief in the other makes these situations their own type. They loved first, added kink later. Within these you will find a very different outlook between women who found their husband's secret desired submission and those who as a couple embraced a new lifestyle together.
When the desire is asymmetrical, things can often be rocky. I would have to say that from my experiences, there are more men who want their wife to be (more) dominant than Dommes that wish their husbands were more submissive. This same type of friction can happen in newer relationships as well.
The largest contrasting group as a whole are those who seek out relationships to be D/s from the start. This brings about the frequently awful world of kink dating and the differences people desire. While there are a group of men who get cowardly and ghost once things start to get serious, there are a lot of men that are looking to commit seriously. A lot of them tend to be willing to compromise, accept what is offered, and are just happy to be with a Domme.
This can be a bit different with women. Some of them are seeking a perfect soulmate and will not settle for anything less. Others want a long-term partner and are willing to accept a couple of flaws as long as the "base material" is a good fit. Others expect relationships to have a shelf-life that will naturally run its course. Some look to put together a composite of what they are looking for by accepting multiple subs of varying strengths. Some are poly and don't try to limit their love to one person. Some are poly and want those that serve as lovers and those who fill functional roles. Others want to cuckold a man, so they are seeking two partners. The list goes on.
This doesn't even have preferences in mind. Are they seeking a slave? A submissive life-partner? A beta to run with their alpha? Another alpha to dominate? A houseboy/maid? When communication gets difficult, frequently it is because the fundamentals of their search and process differ.
Making it even more complicated is the desired dynamics. Master/slave? Female superiority/supremacy? FLR? 24/7? Bedroom only? Somewhere in between?
Is it consent-based? Unconditional consent/conditional non-consent/meta-consent? Will the sub be respected as an equal? Treated as an inferior? Respected but not equal? Will there be love? Will it be formal?
Another major factor is experience level. Veterans to the lifestyle tend to be fairly set in their ways. Newbies are closer to a blank slate but often have unrealistic expectations. People with similar experience levels are often best suited to "evolve together," as no one is playing catch up. This has a pretty large impact upon it all. Do people still have doubts or are they confident in their role and abilities? Will someone be grounded in reality or still floating around with fantasy desires?
It is strange because I have had experience with lifestyle veterans, newer Dommes, and with people who have a lot of lifestyle experience but new to the role of dominant. With newer Dommes, a lot of their growth developed around some of the dynamics that affected me the most. With the veteran, once she had a good grasp of how my mind worked as a submissive, she actually refined her methods in a similar way. The primary difference between them was that she was a lot more confident in pushing me from the start.
I should note that all of my relationships have been loving even though the parties involved varied greatly by age, preferences, and experience. This always makes me think that while there might be all of this focus upon flavors, that personal compatibility is still probably the most important factor. When you care about each other, things seem to find a way to work.
Friday, October 6, 2017
Thoughts on Humiliation and Self
There are times when I hate that humiliation is such a strong gateway to bring me to my submissive mental space. There are times when I hate that this process turns me on. When I think about why I carry this frustration, it isn't because I dislike it. It is because I fear that it will affect how others see me, and in turn, it will affect how others treat me.
My whole life there is one thing I have feared more than anything else. I fear it more than pain and suffering. I fear it more than humiliation and embarrassment. I fear it more than losing my freedom. That greatest fear is abandonment. This one isn't unique. I'm sure there are millions of other adopted individuals out there like me, who deep down have this terrified, creeping feeling that everyone they love will eventually leave.
I will do anything to make them stay with me and love me. This was the mantra of my heart and soul for many years. Well, it still is. It is a manifestation of the broken parts of myself. The trauma... the phobias... the deep down sense of longing... these fuel me to become the best version of myself. Deep down, it is all a lie. If I keep working hard, I can convince someone that I am better than I really am. I can make them believe that I'm not just fucked up, useless, and broken beyond repair.
I have tried to heal. I know what can be explained with logic and rationalized. I know what the objective truth is. The problem is that deep down, my heart's view of myself doesn't change. No matter what I may accomplish, I always feel like I have duped the people that believe in me.
Over the past couple of years I have come to discover what my subspace truly is. My submissive mental space is the state I enter when I accept and embrace the full extent of my vulnerability. The honesty makes me feel submissive. When I feel submissive, I feel honest.
Humiliation feels honest. It is merely someone pointing out all of the things that I know to be true but I wish were not. The truth hurts. It is shameful, but it is true. That honesty forces open my vulnerability and leaves me submissive. It brings out the best version of myself. Hurt me with the truth, but please don't leave me.
This may very well sound pathetic. I don't consciously process these emotions in the moment. I generally react with impulses. Fierce motivation, intense obedience, and ultimate adoration of the one I love exist and are real in the moment. It is only upon reflection that I can trace the roots of causality. Honestly, it makes me a good submissive.
In my relationships she has always found a balance. When she would care about me deeply, she would want to fix me, but after a while, we just make things work with me the way that I am. Utilize the drive and dedication I generate from within... that are gently linked to fear.
There is a blueprint here. Work me hard, drive me to utter exhaustion, and always expect perfection. Take everything you can, use me absolutely, exploit all of me for your benefit. Trap me, enslave me, and shackle me to your will. Keep me broken, never able to rise up. Play my fears against me, cripple me with doubt, and prod me to always try harder. Dangle that carrot of love and affection and I will never tire. Let me taste just enough to believe it is within reach and I will toil away without complaint.
When I am perfect, the doubts and fears fade away. This is the only solution I can see. This is a goal I should never reach.
Or, not. I do like the warm fuzzies of intimacy, the feelings of the heart bursting with love, and embracing deeply with a connection of the soul. Either way works for me. Dealer's choice.
Although now that I think about it, it doesn't have to be one or the other. Choosing to do both is an option, and probably the preferred one :)
My whole life there is one thing I have feared more than anything else. I fear it more than pain and suffering. I fear it more than humiliation and embarrassment. I fear it more than losing my freedom. That greatest fear is abandonment. This one isn't unique. I'm sure there are millions of other adopted individuals out there like me, who deep down have this terrified, creeping feeling that everyone they love will eventually leave.
I will do anything to make them stay with me and love me. This was the mantra of my heart and soul for many years. Well, it still is. It is a manifestation of the broken parts of myself. The trauma... the phobias... the deep down sense of longing... these fuel me to become the best version of myself. Deep down, it is all a lie. If I keep working hard, I can convince someone that I am better than I really am. I can make them believe that I'm not just fucked up, useless, and broken beyond repair.
I have tried to heal. I know what can be explained with logic and rationalized. I know what the objective truth is. The problem is that deep down, my heart's view of myself doesn't change. No matter what I may accomplish, I always feel like I have duped the people that believe in me.
Over the past couple of years I have come to discover what my subspace truly is. My submissive mental space is the state I enter when I accept and embrace the full extent of my vulnerability. The honesty makes me feel submissive. When I feel submissive, I feel honest.
Humiliation feels honest. It is merely someone pointing out all of the things that I know to be true but I wish were not. The truth hurts. It is shameful, but it is true. That honesty forces open my vulnerability and leaves me submissive. It brings out the best version of myself. Hurt me with the truth, but please don't leave me.
This may very well sound pathetic. I don't consciously process these emotions in the moment. I generally react with impulses. Fierce motivation, intense obedience, and ultimate adoration of the one I love exist and are real in the moment. It is only upon reflection that I can trace the roots of causality. Honestly, it makes me a good submissive.
In my relationships she has always found a balance. When she would care about me deeply, she would want to fix me, but after a while, we just make things work with me the way that I am. Utilize the drive and dedication I generate from within... that are gently linked to fear.
There is a blueprint here. Work me hard, drive me to utter exhaustion, and always expect perfection. Take everything you can, use me absolutely, exploit all of me for your benefit. Trap me, enslave me, and shackle me to your will. Keep me broken, never able to rise up. Play my fears against me, cripple me with doubt, and prod me to always try harder. Dangle that carrot of love and affection and I will never tire. Let me taste just enough to believe it is within reach and I will toil away without complaint.
When I am perfect, the doubts and fears fade away. This is the only solution I can see. This is a goal I should never reach.
Or, not. I do like the warm fuzzies of intimacy, the feelings of the heart bursting with love, and embracing deeply with a connection of the soul. Either way works for me. Dealer's choice.
Although now that I think about it, it doesn't have to be one or the other. Choosing to do both is an option, and probably the preferred one :)
Thoughts on a Friday
My blog traffic really exploded this week both in views and the number of interactions. I know that Nora's link helped out quite a bit on that front.
Something interesting happened. Over the years I have had many types of interactions. Praise or thanks. Insults and disgust. Disagreements and debates. Support and empathy or sympathy. Suggestion and constructive criticism. Expansive discussion. But this was a first.
This week I finally got teased (on Wordpress). It wasn't mean-spirited, just friendly and playful teasing but on the aspects of myself that I am the most embarrassed and ashamed about. It felt wonderful and made me feel so very submissive. I am very grateful to have experienced this and to those who helped on that front, thank you so very much.
I do have a couple of friends that will tease me about things, but they are people that have known me for years and I am pretty grounded with how they feel about me. It feels very different to be teased by someone that I am less familiar with. It "kicks" a little harder and then the reality sinks in that, "this is how they see me." Every time I think back to it, those feelings resurface. It makes me blush and shiver. I feel like it puts me in my place... at the bottom of the totem pole.
I'm cringing at the thought of sharing more about the deepest shame within me, but it's almost like I'm a moth being drawn to the flame.
Thank you, everyone, for reading. The likes and comments really keep me going.
Take care.
Something interesting happened. Over the years I have had many types of interactions. Praise or thanks. Insults and disgust. Disagreements and debates. Support and empathy or sympathy. Suggestion and constructive criticism. Expansive discussion. But this was a first.
This week I finally got teased (on Wordpress). It wasn't mean-spirited, just friendly and playful teasing but on the aspects of myself that I am the most embarrassed and ashamed about. It felt wonderful and made me feel so very submissive. I am very grateful to have experienced this and to those who helped on that front, thank you so very much.
I do have a couple of friends that will tease me about things, but they are people that have known me for years and I am pretty grounded with how they feel about me. It feels very different to be teased by someone that I am less familiar with. It "kicks" a little harder and then the reality sinks in that, "this is how they see me." Every time I think back to it, those feelings resurface. It makes me blush and shiver. I feel like it puts me in my place... at the bottom of the totem pole.
I'm cringing at the thought of sharing more about the deepest shame within me, but it's almost like I'm a moth being drawn to the flame.
Thank you, everyone, for reading. The likes and comments really keep me going.
Take care.
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Redundancy in D/s
Redundancy is one of those words that often carries a negative connotation with it. Unnecessary. Superfluous. Excess. When we deal with it in the world it can often seem tedious, wasteful, and bureaucratic.
However, I find redundancy in design to be fascinating. Fail-safes. Checks and balances. Backup systems. Contingencies. Everyone has probably seen some movie or TV show where some secret agent type character enters the secret lair which requires like 57 different security checks to get in. Palm print, retinal scan, password, vocal recognition, and the like... often in addition to a key of some sort. The more redundant security measures are in place, the more important whatever is being guarded must be, right?
Most D/s relationships have some amount of redundancy built into them. However, just how much varies by a great amount and often says a lot about a particular Domme's philosophy on the lifestyle.
A Domme that wishes to oversee and control nearly every aspect of a sub's life will likely have a load of redundant measures in place. A Domme that believes a sub should do everything of their own free will, likely has very few redundant measures in place.
I tend to look at each measure of control as a layer. It begins with an idea or ideal. The idea evolves into a rule. A rule can have consequences. Consequences can escalate. Revisions and provisions can be made.
If the Domme orders the sub not to touch themselves without supervision or permission, this may become a rule. Breaking the rule may have a punishment or dismissal. She may have him wear a chastity device so that he can’t get fully erect or touch himself. She may add spikes to the device so that he will experience pain if he even attempts to get hard. But what if he agreed not to touch himself from the get go and obeyed this order?
Assuming the relationship is consensual and that both parties want to create the same sort of lifestyle together, the rules, punishments, and/or devices become redundant, so why do it? At the core of the relationship, a lot of rules are unnecessary. You don’t need to force the willing. So why do it?
I can understand the desire not to. If a sub is worth a damn and their head and their heart are in the right place, he shouldn’t need any type of external motivation to want to obey. Yet some people still do it.
You can make a case for security. Each layer increases the chances that the positive outcome will occur. The more layers, the greater the chance the Domme has of the sub behaving in the way that she finds most pleasing. This can beneficial to both parties.
You can make a case for sadism/masochism. Exercising greater control and behavior management can cater to desirable dynamics if the parties enjoy these things.
Personally, I don’t need any types of justifications. I think having layers of redundant measures are romantic as hell. I want to be perfect for her. I want her to keep me forever. Every rule she adds, every consequence, every stipulation, and every limitation tells me that she cares. She wants me to be the best version of me. She wants to test the capacity of what I can handle. She is guiding me to an existence where she wants to keep me forever. How great would that feel?
I like to think that my submission has worth. It is part of me that makes me as “worthy” as I can be. I like to use it to prove myself. I like to show my devotion, dedication, and love. I like to think that my willingness to accept her layers helps to show this too. I shows that I believe in her to do what is best for me. I like to think that she thinks this is romantic, too.
Deep down, I feel like the security card, the access code, the palm print scanner, the retina scan, the voice recognition, the secret passwords, the digital combination, and the synchronized key turn must be guarding something very valuable. If that valuable thing is me… the thought of that makes me tingle in my heart and get weak in the knees.
However, I find redundancy in design to be fascinating. Fail-safes. Checks and balances. Backup systems. Contingencies. Everyone has probably seen some movie or TV show where some secret agent type character enters the secret lair which requires like 57 different security checks to get in. Palm print, retinal scan, password, vocal recognition, and the like... often in addition to a key of some sort. The more redundant security measures are in place, the more important whatever is being guarded must be, right?
Most D/s relationships have some amount of redundancy built into them. However, just how much varies by a great amount and often says a lot about a particular Domme's philosophy on the lifestyle.
A Domme that wishes to oversee and control nearly every aspect of a sub's life will likely have a load of redundant measures in place. A Domme that believes a sub should do everything of their own free will, likely has very few redundant measures in place.
I tend to look at each measure of control as a layer. It begins with an idea or ideal. The idea evolves into a rule. A rule can have consequences. Consequences can escalate. Revisions and provisions can be made.
If the Domme orders the sub not to touch themselves without supervision or permission, this may become a rule. Breaking the rule may have a punishment or dismissal. She may have him wear a chastity device so that he can’t get fully erect or touch himself. She may add spikes to the device so that he will experience pain if he even attempts to get hard. But what if he agreed not to touch himself from the get go and obeyed this order?
Assuming the relationship is consensual and that both parties want to create the same sort of lifestyle together, the rules, punishments, and/or devices become redundant, so why do it? At the core of the relationship, a lot of rules are unnecessary. You don’t need to force the willing. So why do it?
I can understand the desire not to. If a sub is worth a damn and their head and their heart are in the right place, he shouldn’t need any type of external motivation to want to obey. Yet some people still do it.
You can make a case for security. Each layer increases the chances that the positive outcome will occur. The more layers, the greater the chance the Domme has of the sub behaving in the way that she finds most pleasing. This can beneficial to both parties.
You can make a case for sadism/masochism. Exercising greater control and behavior management can cater to desirable dynamics if the parties enjoy these things.
Personally, I don’t need any types of justifications. I think having layers of redundant measures are romantic as hell. I want to be perfect for her. I want her to keep me forever. Every rule she adds, every consequence, every stipulation, and every limitation tells me that she cares. She wants me to be the best version of me. She wants to test the capacity of what I can handle. She is guiding me to an existence where she wants to keep me forever. How great would that feel?
I like to think that my submission has worth. It is part of me that makes me as “worthy” as I can be. I like to use it to prove myself. I like to show my devotion, dedication, and love. I like to think that my willingness to accept her layers helps to show this too. I shows that I believe in her to do what is best for me. I like to think that she thinks this is romantic, too.
Deep down, I feel like the security card, the access code, the palm print scanner, the retina scan, the voice recognition, the secret passwords, the digital combination, and the synchronized key turn must be guarding something very valuable. If that valuable thing is me… the thought of that makes me tingle in my heart and get weak in the knees.
Thoughts on Porn
I don't watch porn. I've tried. I don't really care for it and never really have. This actually made me feel strange when I was younger, like it SHOULD arouse me and get my juices flowing.
After getting into kink I tried watching Femdom and more specialized porn. It still didn't do it for me.
I've been thinking about why and the best that I can come up with is that there's little, if any context to it. Who are they and why should I care what is happening? If I was a masochist I might like watching a woman spank a man more maybe? I don't know.
I've never been a big fan of posturing. I don't really like hearing a spew of cliches that I have never heard a woman or Domme say in real life. I've never been called a piggy or a worm. Do people really talk like that?
Occasionally I will stumble upon a still image that sets my mind ablaze. These usually have just enough environment where my brain kicks into overdrive and creates a story to create the context and give personalities to the characters. Is this still porn?
Frequently I hear people making references to men believing that lifestyle Femdom will "be like porn." To be honest, I don't really understand what this means.
Most of the Femdom porn I have watched usually involved some guy strapped to a table or a bondage cross while he gets flogged by some model-caliber woman dressed in fetish attire. Is there something that I am missing?
After getting into kink I tried watching Femdom and more specialized porn. It still didn't do it for me.
I've been thinking about why and the best that I can come up with is that there's little, if any context to it. Who are they and why should I care what is happening? If I was a masochist I might like watching a woman spank a man more maybe? I don't know.
I've never been a big fan of posturing. I don't really like hearing a spew of cliches that I have never heard a woman or Domme say in real life. I've never been called a piggy or a worm. Do people really talk like that?
Occasionally I will stumble upon a still image that sets my mind ablaze. These usually have just enough environment where my brain kicks into overdrive and creates a story to create the context and give personalities to the characters. Is this still porn?
Frequently I hear people making references to men believing that lifestyle Femdom will "be like porn." To be honest, I don't really understand what this means.
Most of the Femdom porn I have watched usually involved some guy strapped to a table or a bondage cross while he gets flogged by some model-caliber woman dressed in fetish attire. Is there something that I am missing?
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
PSA: dominate is a verb
For those who spend time on fetlife or other forms of non-blog
kink-related electronic interactions you have probably seen a rise in
the number of people who misuse the word dominate.
“I am a dominate.”
“I am looking for a dominate.”
When I read this I want to stab myself in the face while setting my hair on fire.
Dominate is a verb. To dominate. You dominate. They dominate. They dominated.
Dominant is traditionally an adjective. They are dominant. They were dominant.
Dominant in the kink world is also a noun. They are a dominant. They were a dominant.
Please, when you see this out in the wild, do your part to help fight against unliteracy:P
“I am a dominate.”
“I am looking for a dominate.”
When I read this I want to stab myself in the face while setting my hair on fire.
Dominate is a verb. To dominate. You dominate. They dominate. They dominated.
Dominant is traditionally an adjective. They are dominant. They were dominant.
Dominant in the kink world is also a noun. They are a dominant. They were a dominant.
Please, when you see this out in the wild, do your part to help fight against unliteracy:P
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Kinks, Fetishes, and D/s
This past week I had someone ask me some questions about fetishes and it got me thinking quite a bit on the subject. This also seems to flow with some of the things I have written about over the past few days.
While there are those in the lifestyle that would deny the sexual nature of things, I believe that by and large Femdom and D/s are driven heavily by our sexuality. It is common in writing for the terms kink and fetish to be used interchangeably. While they are similar, I believe that all fetishes are kinks, but a bit stronger in their nature.
To confront these topics with clear definitions it requires the concept of "normal" sexual arousal. While people will probably hate the use of normal as the word choice, kinks and fetishes are widely considered to be abnormal or unusual, so it does serve as a starting point.
For clarity, here is how I would define a normal sexual response:
Arousal caused by the act or fantasy of sexual stimulation, physical intimacy, physical attraction, or emotional stimulation to someone of the opposite sex for heterosexuals/bisexuals or same sex for homosexuals/bisexuals.
So... thinking about sex, normal. Kissing, normal. Admiring an attractive face or body, normal. Being wooed by heartfelt and meaningful words, normal. Basically, this list covers what society at large consider(ed) to be appropriate actions.
A kink then becomes an act or fantasy that causes sexual arousal for reasons that fall outside of those basic categories. Being tied up (or tying someone up). Being spanked (or spanking someone). Having your face sat on (or sitting on someone's face). The list can go on and on.
Fetishes are of the same nature. What makes them a more refined version of a kink is the intensity of the desire. How I separate them in my own mind is that I see kinks as a preference and fetishes as a need. A kink you can do without. A fetish must be fed or the desire will overwhelm you.
The life of a fetishist is not an easy one. In many cases there is a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, and a cycle of self-loathing, purge, and rebound. Many a fetishist has wanted to wish it away, denied themselves, only to have it return later on just as strong or stronger as it was before. I have come to feel it is part of a person's sexuality.
The difficulty of fetishes in relationships are often because the significant other of the fetishist often feels threatened and diminished by the fetish object. e.g. a woman dating a man with a shoe fetishist may feel like he cares more about the shoes than about her. He may reinforce this idea if he would rather masturbate onto her shoes than have sex with her. He may reinforce it even more if he only notices her shoes, only buys her shoes as gifts, and seems to neglect giving her compliments over other aspects of her appearance, personality, or accomplishments.
It's kind of a vicious cycle, since piling guilt and shame onto a fetishist often makes the fetish even stronger. The majority of fetishists I have known over the years (myself included) have honestly desired to be able to wish the fetish away. Feeling guilt and shame over the arousal makes a situation ripe for fetish development. Most want to be normal many times over. Many have been rejected because of their fetish and fear rejection each and every time they reveal it to someone. Accepting someone's fetish will go a long long way to endear them to you.
Personally, I believe that a sub's kinks and fetishes provide the perfect tool to exploit. Their hope to have someone understand and accept their "abnormality" makes them naive when they encounter the most basic kindness in regards to it. They can be lulled into comfort and encouraged to share every deep and dark secret they have. They will will share their fantasies and give detailed accounts of what affects them. Once they have revealed it all they will be vulnerable... and prime to hear the Domme's "true thoughts" on it (which may be blatant lies). Letting him know that his fetish makes him less of a man, perverse, and shameful, but she graciously "tolerates" it as long as he provides quality and obedient service will keep him off-balance. He will worry that he is not good enough and in turn will try harder on all fronts. This provides reinforcement that most women would not accept him as he is and make him more likely to go "all in" with his dedication. It might appear kind of cruel but in actuality he will be ecstatic that he wasn't sent packing.
Once the fetish and its intricacies are known, it can be used and twisted in various ways. If he has a fetish for boots, they can be worn but only when he is locked in chastity. Or the fetish can only be used when accompanied by an act that he dislikes greatly, e.g. while inflicting significant (non-pleasurable) pain. Talking about it verbally and teasing with it can keep it as a continuous carrot to manipulate him. It also provides an additional symbol of desire that can be taken away and withheld.
Another route that can be taken in long-term relationships is forcing the sub to develop kinks (and possibly fetishes). Men can be conditioned sexually by creating sexual associations. Seducing him while he does chores and whispering something in his ear like, "It makes me so wet to see you so hard at work," will get things started and providing some form of pleasurable contact upon the completion of the chores is one example. It will not take long before he starts building a kink for doing chores. Similarly, strictly controlling the environment and acts of how he receives pleasure is quite effective. The repetition will breed associative familiarity. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the touch, and so on will sink into the brain and become kinks. Limit his pleasure to this specific form over a long-period of time and it may create fetishes.
Once he has a set of abnormal desires worked into his sexuality, he is prime for a bit of insecurity to exploit. If a Domme makes it clear that she is the only one who would accept someone broken like that, he will be forever tied to her in that way.
While these techniques might not appeal to everyone, I'm guessing there are a handful of people out there thinking "ooh, I want to do that." In any case, I am living proof that these techniques are quite effective.
While there are those in the lifestyle that would deny the sexual nature of things, I believe that by and large Femdom and D/s are driven heavily by our sexuality. It is common in writing for the terms kink and fetish to be used interchangeably. While they are similar, I believe that all fetishes are kinks, but a bit stronger in their nature.
To confront these topics with clear definitions it requires the concept of "normal" sexual arousal. While people will probably hate the use of normal as the word choice, kinks and fetishes are widely considered to be abnormal or unusual, so it does serve as a starting point.
For clarity, here is how I would define a normal sexual response:
Arousal caused by the act or fantasy of sexual stimulation, physical intimacy, physical attraction, or emotional stimulation to someone of the opposite sex for heterosexuals/bisexuals or same sex for homosexuals/bisexuals.
So... thinking about sex, normal. Kissing, normal. Admiring an attractive face or body, normal. Being wooed by heartfelt and meaningful words, normal. Basically, this list covers what society at large consider(ed) to be appropriate actions.
A kink then becomes an act or fantasy that causes sexual arousal for reasons that fall outside of those basic categories. Being tied up (or tying someone up). Being spanked (or spanking someone). Having your face sat on (or sitting on someone's face). The list can go on and on.
Fetishes are of the same nature. What makes them a more refined version of a kink is the intensity of the desire. How I separate them in my own mind is that I see kinks as a preference and fetishes as a need. A kink you can do without. A fetish must be fed or the desire will overwhelm you.
The life of a fetishist is not an easy one. In many cases there is a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, and a cycle of self-loathing, purge, and rebound. Many a fetishist has wanted to wish it away, denied themselves, only to have it return later on just as strong or stronger as it was before. I have come to feel it is part of a person's sexuality.
The difficulty of fetishes in relationships are often because the significant other of the fetishist often feels threatened and diminished by the fetish object. e.g. a woman dating a man with a shoe fetishist may feel like he cares more about the shoes than about her. He may reinforce this idea if he would rather masturbate onto her shoes than have sex with her. He may reinforce it even more if he only notices her shoes, only buys her shoes as gifts, and seems to neglect giving her compliments over other aspects of her appearance, personality, or accomplishments.
It's kind of a vicious cycle, since piling guilt and shame onto a fetishist often makes the fetish even stronger. The majority of fetishists I have known over the years (myself included) have honestly desired to be able to wish the fetish away. Feeling guilt and shame over the arousal makes a situation ripe for fetish development. Most want to be normal many times over. Many have been rejected because of their fetish and fear rejection each and every time they reveal it to someone. Accepting someone's fetish will go a long long way to endear them to you.
Personally, I believe that a sub's kinks and fetishes provide the perfect tool to exploit. Their hope to have someone understand and accept their "abnormality" makes them naive when they encounter the most basic kindness in regards to it. They can be lulled into comfort and encouraged to share every deep and dark secret they have. They will will share their fantasies and give detailed accounts of what affects them. Once they have revealed it all they will be vulnerable... and prime to hear the Domme's "true thoughts" on it (which may be blatant lies). Letting him know that his fetish makes him less of a man, perverse, and shameful, but she graciously "tolerates" it as long as he provides quality and obedient service will keep him off-balance. He will worry that he is not good enough and in turn will try harder on all fronts. This provides reinforcement that most women would not accept him as he is and make him more likely to go "all in" with his dedication. It might appear kind of cruel but in actuality he will be ecstatic that he wasn't sent packing.
Once the fetish and its intricacies are known, it can be used and twisted in various ways. If he has a fetish for boots, they can be worn but only when he is locked in chastity. Or the fetish can only be used when accompanied by an act that he dislikes greatly, e.g. while inflicting significant (non-pleasurable) pain. Talking about it verbally and teasing with it can keep it as a continuous carrot to manipulate him. It also provides an additional symbol of desire that can be taken away and withheld.
Another route that can be taken in long-term relationships is forcing the sub to develop kinks (and possibly fetishes). Men can be conditioned sexually by creating sexual associations. Seducing him while he does chores and whispering something in his ear like, "It makes me so wet to see you so hard at work," will get things started and providing some form of pleasurable contact upon the completion of the chores is one example. It will not take long before he starts building a kink for doing chores. Similarly, strictly controlling the environment and acts of how he receives pleasure is quite effective. The repetition will breed associative familiarity. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the touch, and so on will sink into the brain and become kinks. Limit his pleasure to this specific form over a long-period of time and it may create fetishes.
Once he has a set of abnormal desires worked into his sexuality, he is prime for a bit of insecurity to exploit. If a Domme makes it clear that she is the only one who would accept someone broken like that, he will be forever tied to her in that way.
While these techniques might not appeal to everyone, I'm guessing there are a handful of people out there thinking "ooh, I want to do that." In any case, I am living proof that these techniques are quite effective.
Monday, October 2, 2017
Addicted to Shame
I've gone a few days without being able to channel the deep submissive feelings that I desire to have. I've been trying to figure out what has been missing and I'm feeling like I am understanding it a bit better.
I have been feeling normal. I have been feeling comfortable with my role and kinks. A lot of this has to do with a lot of positive reinforcement as of late. It has been nice.
The answer sort of jumped out after that. I am addicted to shame.
When I receive praise it is difficult for me to process it. I feel undeserving of it. I feel like I must have tricked someone into thinking better of me than they should. It is strange.
When people perceive me to be a screwed up freak, I feel like they are showing me their genuine self. I feel like they are seeing me how I see myself. My brain feels peaceful in its agitation. That last line probably doesn't make sense.
To put it another way, my rational brain's view of the world makes sense when I am a weirdo; pitiable, shameful, and worthy of scorn. When I start to feel comfortable with myself, this sort of breaks down. I feel like I'm living falsehood and have duped people. It feels wrong. When the comfort is stripped away and I return to my world of doubt, fear, and shame, I actually feel more calm overall. Everything makes more sense from this perspective. This is my equilibrium. My desired mental spaces are accessed from this state.
I feel like I'm addicted to shame.
I have been feeling normal. I have been feeling comfortable with my role and kinks. A lot of this has to do with a lot of positive reinforcement as of late. It has been nice.
The answer sort of jumped out after that. I am addicted to shame.
When I receive praise it is difficult for me to process it. I feel undeserving of it. I feel like I must have tricked someone into thinking better of me than they should. It is strange.
When people perceive me to be a screwed up freak, I feel like they are showing me their genuine self. I feel like they are seeing me how I see myself. My brain feels peaceful in its agitation. That last line probably doesn't make sense.
To put it another way, my rational brain's view of the world makes sense when I am a weirdo; pitiable, shameful, and worthy of scorn. When I start to feel comfortable with myself, this sort of breaks down. I feel like I'm living falsehood and have duped people. It feels wrong. When the comfort is stripped away and I return to my world of doubt, fear, and shame, I actually feel more calm overall. Everything makes more sense from this perspective. This is my equilibrium. My desired mental spaces are accessed from this state.
I feel like I'm addicted to shame.
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