Sometimes it's hard being emotional. It's even harder when depression is in the mix as it's often unclear what the "appropriate" level of emotion is at any given time.
I do not mind feeling sad if there is a good reason for it. The defining line for depression is often sadness vs. crippling sadness. Feeling hurt when things that are dear to you turn sour or when you lose a loved one is natural to me. Often in order to get by we will defer the pain, spread it out over time. There will inevitably be a "breaking point" where we have to let the full intensity of emotions loose, but with practice, it can be done when it will not destroy other good things in life.
Something that has been heavily on my mind lately is respecting how we influence the feelings of others. It's very easy to have a positive influence on someone's emotional well-being. It doesn't require a lot of work or effort. It's often just letting out what you think or feel without holding back.
At the same time, it is just as easy to damage others emotionally. This also requires very little work or effort. It's so easy that many people do it thoughtlessly. To trigger someone else to sadness, defensiveness, insecurity, or despair is just far too easy to do. The saddest thing about this is that people don't even do it out of malice. They do it out of boredom, self-righteousness, to feed their ego, or any number of other reasons rooted in a self-centered view of the world.
The negativity it spreads has no source. The bad feelings it gives to others have no meaning, but they are real nonetheless. No matter how hard I try I can never view this as a "good" form of sadness.
I find it very disappointing that kindness takes practice but negativity often happens as naturally as breathing.
This experience of emotional flow is just a part of our every day life. It picks us up and knocks us down regularly. It affects our willingness to be vulnerable and intimate.
A submissive inherently spends a great deal of time feeling vulnerable. If you are pursuing it as a lifestyle, that is pretty much what a sub signs up for: asymmetric vulnerability where we are the most vulnerable party.
I don't think that vulnerability responds on command. I don't think it's possible to be around 2 other people and be truly vulnerable to one but not the other. If it is possible, I just don't have enough emotional tools to pull it off.
When the gate to my heart is open, anything can make it through. When the gate is closed, nothing makes it through. Is this wrong? I don't really know. It's just the thoughts spiraling in my head in a quest to find a balanced state if being.