Sometimes it's hard being emotional. It's even harder when depression is in the mix as it's often unclear what the "appropriate" level of emotion is at any given time.
I do not mind feeling sad if there is a good reason for it. The defining line for depression is often sadness vs. crippling sadness. Feeling hurt when things that are dear to you turn sour or when you lose a loved one is natural to me. Often in order to get by we will defer the pain, spread it out over time. There will inevitably be a "breaking point" where we have to let the full intensity of emotions loose, but with practice, it can be done when it will not destroy other good things in life.
Something that has been heavily on my mind lately is respecting how we influence the feelings of others. It's very easy to have a positive influence on someone's emotional well-being. It doesn't require a lot of work or effort. It's often just letting out what you think or feel without holding back.
At the same time, it is just as easy to damage others emotionally. This also requires very little work or effort. It's so easy that many people do it thoughtlessly. To trigger someone else to sadness, defensiveness, insecurity, or despair is just far too easy to do. The saddest thing about this is that people don't even do it out of malice. They do it out of boredom, self-righteousness, to feed their ego, or any number of other reasons rooted in a self-centered view of the world.
The negativity it spreads has no source. The bad feelings it gives to others have no meaning, but they are real nonetheless. No matter how hard I try I can never view this as a "good" form of sadness.
I find it very disappointing that kindness takes practice but negativity often happens as naturally as breathing.
This experience of emotional flow is just a part of our every day life. It picks us up and knocks us down regularly. It affects our willingness to be vulnerable and intimate.
A submissive inherently spends a great deal of time feeling vulnerable. If you are pursuing it as a lifestyle, that is pretty much what a sub signs up for: asymmetric vulnerability where we are the most vulnerable party.
I don't think that vulnerability responds on command. I don't think it's possible to be around 2 other people and be truly vulnerable to one but not the other. If it is possible, I just don't have enough emotional tools to pull it off.
When the gate to my heart is open, anything can make it through. When the gate is closed, nothing makes it through. Is this wrong? I don't really know. It's just the thoughts spiraling in my head in a quest to find a balanced state if being.
Depression certainly throws everything off.
ReplyDeleteIt is easy to be hurt by a thoughtless remark, especially so when one if feeling less centered.
I am having a little trouble though putting your reflections in context.
Most people I interact with are wrapped up in themselves to an extent that they aren’t paying that much attention to me. I’m trying to think of times when I run into people being hurtful out of boredom, self-righteousness or ego. It happens a lot in various confrontations or discussions that hit nerves like "my fetish is fine, but yours is sick," or politics, religion, etc. Sometimes office stuff that has tension.
I avoid all of the former unless I’m in the mood for mud-slinging—which is almost never. The office stuff happens but I keep walls pretty well up.
I get a sense I’m not quite understanding the context.
Anyway, when some thoughtless remark does penetrate deeply it is painful as it resonates and begins to cause all the archived negative feelings of self to start vibrating. And once they start it can take time and effort to quiet them again.
I agree that being part of the submissive lifestyle does mean signing up for asymmetric vulnerability. But I’ve been reflecting on your thought that it isn’t possible to be around 2 people and not be vulnerable to both.
Again I think I’m missing a context.
When I’m around a (my) Dominant, because I don’t submit in a general way and one or more others, I’m in a more sensitized and careful place because she has lots of information about me that others don’t. Not that I fear disclosure, but it is just different—makes me nervous in a certain way.
I guess I haven’t been in a situation with my Domme when another hit me with a painful remark.
I’m not sure I would say that a heart which is in a binary state is wrong exactly, but I do think it sets you up to be hurt unnecessarily.
My heart is open, closed, or often in the middle entirely dependent on the context. Sometimes too closed, rarely too open. I do know I don’t have the emotional strength to be open with all, even once in a while.
I think it would be helpful to think about ways to open your heart in degrees, to allow vulnerability a bit at a time so that you can see how things are playing out rather than suddenly finding yourself vulnerable in hostile territory.
Thank you, Watson.
DeleteI do realize I left an open-ended context. This was sort of a mix of feelings I have experienced over the past couple of weeks and the experiences of a lifetime.
I do agree that most people get too wrapped up in themselves to really pay attention to others. That in itself can be dangerous as it makes "thoughtless" comments easy.
The vulnerability towards multiple people took both D/s and vanilla into account. In D/s, part of the bond with a Domme is trust, but inject a stranger into the mix and it seems to be that much harder to be open and affectionate in their presence. The same goes for vanilla interactions when paired with 1 close friend and 1 acquaintance. The things you might normally share with the close friend become hard around someone that hasn't earned your trust.
I'm not actually sure if my heart works that way, but my memories seem to indicate that is indeed how I behave.
I spent time with a friend last night that has had some trauma and we actually spoke on this subject as well. It is kind of interesting because I think most people do this sort of cover up so naturally that they often aren't even aware of it.
Also, I do agree that the mud-slinging happens most frequently with certain topics.
Take care
I agree with watson when he says that depression would have effects.
ReplyDeleteI find that the most hurtful comments people make to me come from one of two places. The first is people that I love and care about. For example, a simple insult of someone saying I am fat and ugly bevomes my lover thinks I am fat and ugly. When it comes from a loved one the hurt is based on THAT person's view of me, where people I find really care about may insult me without emotional response. Again an acquaintance may call me day and ugly and I don't really care. I also find that people whose opinions are valued to me will say things in a fight to cut their words deeper. They also know what to say.
The second place that most of my hurtful remarks come from are self evolved ignorant people. It's like they don't have the IQ level to avoid telling a cancer patient that "this is what God wants, and everything happens for a reason". Quotes like this have a tendency of getting to me even when coming from stupid people, or people just trying to be nice.
In relation to depression being a crippling sadness, I wish I had any control over the level of sadness that occurs. If I had that level of control I would always push the sadness away and chose to go numb instead.
In relation to the emotional gate being open or closed. You may have guessed mine is open with those I love and trust. And if I could close that gate, I would lock it and fill the internal parts with liquid metal. For me the gate never truly closes, it remains ajar when I wish it would close into an unstoppable force.
Thank you, Miss Lily.
DeleteThe "it's God's will" to a dying person infuriates me. I feel like a living person says this so they won't hurt as badly when the person dies. I always wonder why it's hard for people to say something like "I will miss you," when that is the true underlying feeling.
I have met some people who managed to close the gate... unfortunately once it is closed it doesn't reopen on its own. It often requires an external force to smash it open again.