Monday, June 20, 2016

Breaking Through - Letting the alpha back out

First off I wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been supportive lately.  I've written a lot of very open/exposing blog entries and some experiences with interaction that left me feeling really off.  Miss Lily and Tina (lawyer), your comments today on my sensitivity post really helped a lot for me to shake off the feelings I was having.

I realized today that, as Wendy from Billions would probably tell me, I'm listening to the wrong voice.  In an effort to suppress my alpha, I have mistakenly shed its protection and held hopes and believes for humans that I never would have had otherwise.  My alpha has 30+ years of experience and well-sharpened fangs designed to ward off adversity and hostility and keep me moving through it all.  I believe I have to find a balance in knowing when to show each face, and not letting one or the other completely take over.

So... in the voice of my alpha... I'm not sure why I got a lot of hopes up this time around.  The internet has changed.  This has happened in every forum for every hobby that I follow.  99% of people end up in one place and everywhere else is left a ghost town.  Those who remain are those who are loyal enough to tough it out.  In the flavor of the month meeting zone is where the ugliness really shines.  The current forms of social media and ways that people present themselves leads to an endless pissing contest about who can be the biggest asshole in 120 characters or less.  Who can recite the most commonly accepted snobbery and posturing... and reject anyone that dares to think differently.

I used to feel that kink generally brought people together since we are all "abnormals."  The consolidation of forces seems to have just increased the density of the lowest common denominator.  Maybe I'm just getting old.  

It dawned on me this morning that how the hell is this different from life in general?  It's not.  The majority of people are set in their beliefs. They will maintain them without basis and shut out or shun views that differ from their own.  In many ways it feels like the ugliest part of human nature.  Don't think, don't listen, don't consider ideas, just spew your own version of right and reject those that disagree.

I can't even remember when I thought the majority of the human race was inherently decent and good.  I just know when it stopped.  It was somewhere around age 4 when kids at my pre-school and in my friends' neighborhoods would call me nigger and make faces at me (I'm not even black, not that that would make it okay).  Around that time was also the episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Arnold and Dudley go over to the candy store or toy store owner's house where he showed them porno cartoons and the guy molested Dudley.  After that episode my parents had the talk about not trusting people.  Somewhere between these two life changing events I stopped believing in the "majority."  (Yes, growing up without cable meant network TV shows were life changing at that age).

I toughened my skin.  I fed my alpha.  How did I deal with these people?  Simple.  Fuck 'em.  They don't matter.  My feelings could still get hurt, but fuck 'em.  They don't matter.  When I was younger I was aggressive in my defense. You hit me, I'll fucking kill you (not literally).  As I matured I began to pick my battles.  It's not hard to spot when someone is just closed-minded.  They aren't open to conversation, they won't even consider thinking about things in any other way.  Fuck 'em.  Ignore 'em.  They don't matter.  Put forth effort when it can lead to something good.

I think I despise my alpha so much because I have to spend so much time with it.  I waited 20+ years of my life to find one person that I could truly be open with.  I finally found that with K.  That's when I realized that the "rest of the world" didn't matter.  As long as there was one person I could truly connect with, that's all I needed to feel okay.  I learned the joys of being able to bury my alpha.

The uncertainty and insecurity that have plagued me lately are because I so dearly want to connect with others.  I put myself out there, open, exposed, and honest.  I'm met with the ugliest parts of society.

Yesterday I made my first real foray onto Fetlife.  Over the years I've had a handful of people ask me if I was on there, this year I finally took the plunge.  I entered one discussion where a Domme was ranting about how pissed they were that  "all submissives want to be feminized" and they were asking why.  I spent 10 minutes typing  a reply that would try to explain the what/when/why of things.  50 replies later yielded a bunch of hateful posturing.  Talk about "true submissives," disgust towards anyone that partakes in any form of feminizing, even people stating how infuriated they were at how sexist feminization is since they equated femininity with submissive behavior.  I spent 20 minutes typing another reply, explaining how the actual root of "forced feminization" is making a sub do something they do not want to do and would not have chosen to do otherwise and that I didn't believe that was sexist at all.  After about reply #75 I realized something important.  No one there actually wanted to think about anything.  They wanted to soap box.  They wanted to posture.  They wanted to hack people down they didn't agree with.  Be an asshole in 120 characters or less.  Show your personal superiority.  Degrade those you look down on.  Out of all the hate and pissing, not a single person referenced anything that I wrote, nor was there any true discussion between posts, only knocking people down for having the "wrong" opinion.

I wrote my Sensitivity blog post somewhere between my first and second entry on that discussion.  I woke up this morning to a very kind reply from Tina and soon after another from Miss Lily.  Those comments kept my spirits up.

A little while later I realized something else.  When in the hell would I ever tolerate being around people who behaved like those people on Fetlife?  The answer... NEVER.  I would never waste my time with a bunch of assholes like that in person, so why would I give a shit about what they say on the internet?.  Fuck 'em. The same goes for bloggers who ignore me or carry a rude attitude.  Fuck 'em.  I'll save my effort for when it can lead to something good.

I'm slowly rebuilding my support system through this blog.  The connections feel meaningful and I cherish them deeply.  There's no need to rush things.

Now I just need to find a way to balance... to be able to call upon both without letting one take over.


  1. I beleive balence is the key word there. I am glad that you have chosen to let your alpha out with those people who dont even matter. Just dont get carried away and lose the other parts of you. It is excwptionally hard to get a closed minded person to listen. I have deemed that task unworthy of my time.

    1. Thank you, Miss Lily.

      It is going to be a tough balance. I think the key is going to be staying open and sensitive with people here, or the handful of people in the blogosphere that I really trust and care for.

      Keeping the alpha "on hand" when dealing with new people may be the best choice for me, holding it back until necessary.

      I don't even bother fighting with people anymore on the internet. I can tell after one exchange whether they are open-minded enough to listen... and in most cases they are not. I have no problem just walking away.

      I just have to keep the "fuck 'em" attitude ready rather than letting them make me feel bad or afraid that I'm unacceptable or screwed up, etc.

  2. I think you are exactly right about finding a balance in knowing when to show each face. I strive to do that. I think I’m still overly-cautious, meaning a bit too careful. It’s just that getting it wrong by not being cautious enough is so painful for me that keep myself pretty protected and isolated, which is okay…I have several people close to me. I would very much like more but I’m unwilling to engage more or sooner than is my typical style.

    It’s not great. It does limit my life in a way, but it’s okay.

    When I first found D/s communities I thought as I guess most of us initially did that at last I’ve found a judgement-free zone. It took all six seconds for me to realize that places like FetLife are some of the most judgmental and emotionally dangerous places.

    Having said that, there are people there that are great, but it takes sifting, though such sifting is well worthwhile. But for me at least, general open threads about some of the deep areas of D/s are best avoided for the exact reasons you stated.

    As you and Miss Lilly said, it is about balance.

    1. Thank you, Watson.

      I've noticed a trend in general, that groups rooted in "BDSM values" often have very little understanding (or care) for lifestyle D/s. They seem to stick to the extreme poles: bedroom or TPE, with anything in between being considered "fake" or wrong.

      My main disappointment has been in blogs. I generally keep my soap box contained to my own blog. When I write comments on other blogs I reserve it for advice, support, or giving points of view/perspectives on topics that I feel will help their situation. It's really odd experiencing hostility. I responded to a chastity post about long-term health effects with a "there's no definitive case data, but doctors recommend X in general, so the cautious approach is using a 'better safe than sorry' mentality." I was surprised to have someone else post a response basically telling them to ignore me since it wasn't an unbiased case study. It's like... really? Just trying to be helpful...

  3. Ok, let me challenge you, my friend. Just a bit, pretty please ?

    I did a lot of Byron Katies Work recently. And (in my own words) she says that basically what you see in others and what is driving you nuts in others is only a reflection of things /elements in yourself that you have not made peace within yourself yet.

    I had a long day today, my mind is already tired and I am not sure if I get your point correctly, but basically you are telling us: "these people on fetlife, they dont understand, they are not tolerant of what I believe in"

    And in telling us, your friends, about how narrow minded they are, you are using words like "assholes" and "fuck them". Hmmmm, lol, this does not sound too tolerant either ;-)

    Don't get me wrong. I actually do agree with you that fetlife is not as wonderful as many want us to believe. I almost never use my fetlife account. My point is only: IMHO you are so furious because these people trigger stuff and emotions in you.

    And I do believe that it is good that you can feel these feelings. It will help you to understand yourself better.
    Do the work. The results might be amazing.

    Just my 2 cents. Take what is helpful and forget the rest :-)

    1. Thank you, Tina. I will give that worksheet a look soon.

      Something to keep in mind is that what I wrote about my reactions last night are mostly my own defense mechanisms. If I ignore my alpha, I let the words and actions of others hurt me.

      When I say "Fuck 'em," it mostly just means that I will ignore them and not care if they do not accept me.

      I've spent the majority of my life trying to learn, grow, and understand more about myself and about others. I've read a lot of thought provoking works and books and given them a lot of attention and analysis. I've spent decades trying to better myself as a person.

      One thing has stuck with me from my youth. I was never the type who can stand by in the face of injustice. If I saw some people picking on a mentally handicapped person I would step in. If I saw some people threatening a gay person for being gay, I would step in. If I saw people threatening someone because of their race, I would step in. I did the same for hostilities based upon religion, gender, appearance, income, etc.

      The major difference being me in my 30's vs. me in my teens and 20's is that I've come to accept that there are a lot of people that will never change their train of thought. In my early years I would have fought against them. As I've aged when I pick up that they are locked in their ways I simply walk away.

      I just get seriously bummed out when people find it better to band together in hate rather than try to understand others, but that is how things have been for thousands of years, so I shouldn't expect it to change now.

      The rant side of this post was mostly that I will not allow those people to make me feel bad about myself. It also allows me to vent my frustrations so that they will no longer bother me :)

  4. PS: And fur sissy, if you realized how beautiful you are, you would fall at your own feet.