First off I wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been supportive lately. I've written a lot of very open/exposing blog entries and some experiences with interaction that left me feeling really off. Miss Lily and Tina (lawyer), your comments today on my sensitivity post really helped a lot for me to shake off the feelings I was having.
I realized today that, as Wendy from Billions would probably tell me, I'm listening to the wrong voice. In an effort to suppress my alpha, I have mistakenly shed its protection and held hopes and believes for humans that I never would have had otherwise. My alpha has 30+ years of experience and well-sharpened fangs designed to ward off adversity and hostility and keep me moving through it all. I believe I have to find a balance in knowing when to show each face, and not letting one or the other completely take over.
So... in the voice of my alpha... I'm not sure why I got a lot of hopes up this time around. The internet has changed. This has happened in every forum for every hobby that I follow. 99% of people end up in one place and everywhere else is left a ghost town. Those who remain are those who are loyal enough to tough it out. In the flavor of the month meeting zone is where the ugliness really shines. The current forms of social media and ways that people present themselves leads to an endless pissing contest about who can be the biggest asshole in 120 characters or less. Who can recite the most commonly accepted snobbery and posturing... and reject anyone that dares to think differently.
I used to feel that kink generally brought people together since we are all "abnormals." The consolidation of forces seems to have just increased the density of the lowest common denominator. Maybe I'm just getting old.
It dawned on me this morning that how the hell is this different from life in general? It's not. The majority of people are set in their beliefs. They will maintain them without basis and shut out or shun views that differ from their own. In many ways it feels like the ugliest part of human nature. Don't think, don't listen, don't consider ideas, just spew your own version of right and reject those that disagree.
I can't even remember when I thought the majority of the human race was inherently decent and good. I just know when it stopped. It was somewhere around age 4 when kids at my pre-school and in my friends' neighborhoods would call me nigger and make faces at me (I'm not even black, not that that would make it okay). Around that time was also the episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Arnold and Dudley go over to the candy store or toy store owner's house where he showed them porno cartoons and the guy molested Dudley. After that episode my parents had the talk about not trusting people. Somewhere between these two life changing events I stopped believing in the "majority." (Yes, growing up without cable meant network TV shows were life changing at that age).
I toughened my skin. I fed my alpha. How did I deal with these people? Simple. Fuck 'em. They don't matter. My feelings could still get hurt, but fuck 'em. They don't matter. When I was younger I was aggressive in my defense. You hit me, I'll fucking kill you (not literally). As I matured I began to pick my battles. It's not hard to spot when someone is just closed-minded. They aren't open to conversation, they won't even consider thinking about things in any other way. Fuck 'em. Ignore 'em. They don't matter. Put forth effort when it can lead to something good.
I think I despise my alpha so much because I have to spend so much time with it. I waited 20+ years of my life to find one person that I could truly be open with. I finally found that with K. That's when I realized that the "rest of the world" didn't matter. As long as there was one person I could truly connect with, that's all I needed to feel okay. I learned the joys of being able to bury my alpha.
The uncertainty and insecurity that have plagued me lately are because I so dearly want to connect with others. I put myself out there, open, exposed, and honest. I'm met with the ugliest parts of society.
Yesterday I made my first real foray onto Fetlife. Over the years I've had a handful of people ask me if I was on there, this year I finally took the plunge. I entered one discussion where a Domme was ranting about how pissed they were that "all submissives want to be feminized" and they were asking why. I spent 10 minutes typing a reply that would try to explain the what/when/why of things. 50 replies later yielded a bunch of hateful posturing. Talk about "true submissives," disgust towards anyone that partakes in any form of feminizing, even people stating how infuriated they were at how sexist feminization is since they equated femininity with submissive behavior. I spent 20 minutes typing another reply, explaining how the actual root of "forced feminization" is making a sub do something they do not want to do and would not have chosen to do otherwise and that I didn't believe that was sexist at all. After about reply #75 I realized something important. No one there actually wanted to think about anything. They wanted to soap box. They wanted to posture. They wanted to hack people down they didn't agree with. Be an asshole in 120 characters or less. Show your personal superiority. Degrade those you look down on. Out of all the hate and pissing, not a single person referenced anything that I wrote, nor was there any true discussion between posts, only knocking people down for having the "wrong" opinion.
I wrote my Sensitivity blog post somewhere between my first and second entry on that discussion. I woke up this morning to a very kind reply from Tina and soon after another from Miss Lily. Those comments kept my spirits up.
A little while later I realized something else. When in the hell would I ever tolerate being around people who behaved like those people on Fetlife? The answer... NEVER. I would never waste my time with a bunch of assholes like that in person, so why would I give a shit about what they say on the internet?. Fuck 'em. The same goes for bloggers who ignore me or carry a rude attitude. Fuck 'em. I'll save my effort for when it can lead to something good.
I'm slowly rebuilding my support system through this blog. The connections feel meaningful and I cherish them deeply. There's no need to rush things.
Now I just need to find a way to balance... to be able to call upon both without letting one take over.