Sunday, June 19, 2016

A Sea of Thoughts: Sensitivity

I'm finding one of those difficult parts of things lately is sensitivity and the underlying vulnerability that accompanies it.

I grew up in a home where emotions were a guessing game.  Guess wrong and it blew up.  Develop mind-reading skills.  Interpret complex situations based upon very little.  Search for meaning behind words.  Almost my entire family turned out this way.

When I really discovered myself I vowed not to be this way.  While insecurity and fear dictated many of my actions, I wanted to be a good listener.  I worked hard to hone those skills.  To empathize with others.  To understand complex human emotions and feelings.  My learning started internally, figuring out my own responses to situations and relating them to similar internal reactions from my past.  I was able to then verbalize those feelings and help people through their tough times.

When I finally found love... love that I believed in... love that made me believe that life was worth living, I learned how to be truly sensitive.  It was only then that I could be vulnerable and give all of myself. 

Early on in blogging I guarded this part of myself.  I kept it clinical and safe.  I kept people at arm's length.  If I was rejected it was because of what I chose to show them.  Now that I am opening parts of myself that I had never told another human up until this past month, I find myself feeling vulnerable a lot more often. 

Attempts to reach out aren't always met favorably.  I no longer have that safety net to fall back on.  When I'm rejected it's a rejection of all of me.  My true self.  Even if the reasons are shallow or empty, it still hurts in a way that is different than before.  It's difficult for anyone to feel like they don't matter.  It's even more difficult for people who have a history of feeling like they don't matter. 

I'm not trying to be some emo sob story here... it's just a general sense of emotional discomfort that is building.  I feel awkward in a way that I hate.  Even just seeking some more internet friends... it just hurts.  I know that I can't close off or I will simply run off into another hobby and lose myself.  I'm trying to tough it out but I'm wearing down.

I don't know... maybe I'm just too sensitive.


  1. You are perfect, exactly as you am.

    No need for you to tough anything out, my friend.

    You are walking on a new, unfamiliar path. No wonder you are a bit insecure and shaken.

    Please be patient with yourself. Rome was not built in one day. And you dont have to figure out everything immediately.

    In my experience, emotional openness and trust in other people always pays. Take me for instance. In 2o12 you might probably have thought: she does not like my advice, she is not seeing my point, she is not valuing me for who I am . It might have looked as if I had rejected you back then.

    I never wanted /intended to reject you though. I was just too busy dealing with myself and my own stuff.

    You do matter a great deal to many people. Never doubt that. Do you need to write that down a hundred times, so it can sink in better? ;-)

    1. Thank you very much, Tina. Your comments made me smile. I will write it 100 times the next time I forget.

      Take care.

  2. As I have told you before, you are more vunerable when you share a part of you. ( not just writing what a Mistress made you write or record, remember the urine logging) You have been very brave to share things that you havent put out there for the world to judge. I would feel very vunerable if I were as open in my own writing. Hell, I even feel off saying and sharing some things on my blog.

    You are perfect. I agrer with lawyer. It is normal feelings when you share as deeply as you do. And I am willing to bet you interpret rejection where it is not meant.

    1. Thank you, Miss Lily. That means a lot to me.

  3. I wanted to write something that might be helpful or supportive to you, but as soon as I tried to formulate some thoughts, I found strong emotions all about myself. ;)


    Your description of growing up in a home where emotions were a guessing game; guess wrong and things blow up was my childhood as well.

    I believe it isn’t all bad in that I think it makes people like us extra-empathetic. And far more attuned to emotional communication. Though the down-side is that I at least end up overly-attuned.

    I think all of this is why I am so asocial. I can do social stuff either well or adequately, depending, but it exhausts me other than with a few select people that I trust at a deep level.

    I know I have lots to offer, I’m smart, funny when I feel comfortable enough, have a zillion interests, etc. But I also know that if I fully open, most people would back way away, because of my life-long and extreme notions of F/m.

    OK, now that I’ve made this all about me, I’m not sure where to go next. ;)

    I guess I was just trying to get to that I do understand these issues can be extremely painful.

    I think being sensitive is a gift, but I also think it is important to be mindful of it and proceed slowly...but keeping at it.

    And as lawyer said: “Please be patient with yourself.”

    Good advice for me too. ;)

    Also be gentle with yourself.

    1. Thank you, Watson.

      When you wrote this: "I can do social stuff either well or adequately, depending, but it exhausts me other than with a few select people that I trust at a deep level."

      That describes me completely.

      It is quite difficult to be overly-attuned. When you sense someone's word choice or attitude and read into the underlying negativity... it can be quite painful. I'd almost prefer someone to just be an outright jerk so I can just avoid them from there on... not teetering in limbo wondering WTF just happened.

      Also, no need to be self-conscious in talking about yourself, half of what helps me in these times is the feeling of "wow, someone else gets it!" That does wonders for feeling not alone.

      Take care.