I'm finding one of those difficult parts of things lately is sensitivity and the underlying vulnerability that accompanies it.
I grew up in a home where emotions were a guessing game. Guess wrong and it blew up. Develop mind-reading skills. Interpret complex situations based upon very little. Search for meaning behind words. Almost my entire family turned out this way.
When I really discovered myself I vowed not to be this way. While insecurity and fear dictated many of my actions, I wanted to be a good listener. I worked hard to hone those skills. To empathize with others. To understand complex human emotions and feelings. My learning started internally, figuring out my own responses to situations and relating them to similar internal reactions from my past. I was able to then verbalize those feelings and help people through their tough times.
When I finally found love... love that I believed in... love that made me believe that life was worth living, I learned how to be truly sensitive. It was only then that I could be vulnerable and give all of myself.
Early on in blogging I guarded this part of myself. I kept it clinical and safe. I kept people at arm's length. If I was rejected it was because of what I chose to show them. Now that I am opening parts of myself that I had never told another human up until this past month, I find myself feeling vulnerable a lot more often.
Attempts to reach out aren't always met favorably. I no longer have that safety net to fall back on. When I'm rejected it's a rejection of all of me. My true self. Even if the reasons are shallow or empty, it still hurts in a way that is different than before. It's difficult for anyone to feel like they don't matter. It's even more difficult for people who have a history of feeling like they don't matter.
I'm not trying to be some emo sob story here... it's just a general sense of emotional discomfort that is building. I feel awkward in a way that I hate. Even just seeking some more internet friends... it just hurts. I know that I can't close off or I will simply run off into another hobby and lose myself. I'm trying to tough it out but I'm wearing down.
I don't know... maybe I'm just too sensitive.