Current reflections upon my submission

For all intents and purposes, I am a broken man.  Capable but helpless.  Potential for greatness bogged down by a life of shattered self-esteem, abuse, and failed expectations.  Adequate but inadequate: able to make someone happy but not attractive enough to be chosen. 

I am good at almost everything I set out to do.  I have experienced success academically and athletically, but this has never brought me happiness.  Life didn't always feel this way but I can see now the path that led to this road. 

At my core, I feel unworthy of love.  Being given up at birth and adopted into an unloving family were the start.  It was at a young age where I discovered I had to earn affection.  I had to succeed, to be the best at what I was doing.  This is what was expected of me.  Falling short of that goal resulted in passive-aggressive attacks and later on, outright physical abuse.  My sense of worth became precariously balanced on the head of a pin: when successful, things stayed together.  In failure, the whole world toppled down.  Expectations were never voiced, there were only reactions to the end results.  Little league, school, etc., this bled into all facets of life.

Eventually I became so terrified of failure that any change to my life became a source of high anxiety.  When I faltered I would punish myself internally, knowing the reactions would be negative.  When said reactions manifested themselves, the pain would compound upon itself.  After nearly a decade of this I found myself depressed, suicidal, and scared of life. A brief foray into drug and alcohol addiction helped me medicate through my high school years.

Upon reaching adulthood I was still scared and felt unloved and unwanted. I developed a means of coping through writing and philosophizing about idealized concepts of life and love. The notion of unconditional love was one that I often dreamed about. In my experiences, receiving love was always conditional.  Love had to be earned.  It was not something I deserved unless I proved myself deserving by meeting or exceeding expectations placed upon me.  In turn, I wanted to love unconditionally.  To give myself wholly to the one that I loved and be embraced for it.  This seemed natural and in some ways, it was the trade off for someone like me: I had to love and devote myself with all my being in order to deserve to be loved in return.

The vanilla dating world for young adults is not a kind one.  Unless you are physically attractive, successful, or brimming with confidence, your other qualities that deserve merit are easily overlooked.  The mind games and posturing often rival those of my youth. Guessing her expectations, being passive aggressively punished if I fail to meet them, dealing with being pushed away after disagreements and the like.  The idea that someone could love me unconditionally continued on as merely a dream. 

I started to think it would be easier if a woman was more demanding.  If she made her expectations clear and eliminated the guessing game. If she got mad she could channel her anger directly and we could then make things right.

Around this time I met my first Mistress.  Before our relationship started she was the one that spotted me as being well-suited for submission and everything sort of fell into place after that. 

I know this sort of paints a one-dimensional picture of myself.  I have a wide variety of interests and hobbies.  I delve deep into what I enjoy and try to share things with others that I believe they will enjoy too.  Over the years I have experienced success in a lot of ways: being on sports teams that finished top 5 in the state, performing music in front of large audiences, graduating valedictorian and magna cum laude.  I know why I downplay these things so much when representing myself.  First, they have never made me happy on their own.  Second, they have never felt like true accomplishments, they have merely felt like I met the bare minimum of expectations that were placed upon me.  Is it odd that I crave to be acknowledged but hate compliments?

With these things in mind, submission has become something completely natural. To meet every expectation and demand with the entirety of my being merely to be accepted.  To constantly feel I must earn her love with everything I do. To feel wretched when I let her down and normal when I succeed.  To accept anything she may throw my way and love her unconditionally.   To be my best at all times for her and to make her happy.

I no longer have dreams of my own.  My dream is to support her dream and help make it come true. 

This is what feels natural to me.  Therapists have told me this is wrong.  The women I have loved have loved this about me.  I have accepted this is who I am but sometimes wonder if I should change.

Ramifications of trained obsolesence

Lady Grey's most recent posts at http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/  have gotten me thinking a bit more about the progressive escalation of D/s over time (I have blogged on this a few times over the years).  Something became readily apparent to me tonight in regards to my own submissive desires and how they have evolved over the years.

I train rather easily in the D/s lifestyle.  I have a good memory, high attention to detail, and can be reasonably intelligent at times.  This has been one of my submissive strengths over the years but it has also had major drawbacks.  If you as a sub are able to follow rules and instructions to the T, you don't give a Domme a reason to punish you. If your D/s relationship is based around sensual interaction for good behavior and physical punishment for bad behavior, a Domme that enjoys inflicting pain upon the sub is faced with the choice of denying herself something that gives her pleasure or punishing and attempting to justify the choice.  With newer Dommes, choosing the latter can lead to guilt and that guilt may reduce her pleasure in the moment or lead to negative feelings in its aftermath.  Being that I am not a masochist, a Domme can struggle with the "because I can" or "as a reminder of your place" reasoning behind punishment. 

As much as I dislike pain, as a submissive I crave the fear and exhilaration of intense D/s interaction, even if it involves pain.  By being mistake free in service (or as close as possible to this), I inherently reduce the intensity level of the relationship (often hurting the desires of both Domme and sub).  I frown upon subs that act out or misbehave merely to get attention.  I think this type of behavior is childish, selfish, and out of focus.  So where does a sub go from there? 

I think the answer to that question can be seen in my own fantasies of deeply sadistic Dommes. 
Some examples:
-A Domme that will enjoy punishing after perfect service because she enjoys the additional mental anguish a sub goes through when he doesn't deserve it. 
-A Domme that will ensure a sub will make mistakes or cannot serve perfectly and punish him for failing while taking pleasure in his added suffering from knowing he cannot succeed, e.g. being ordered to dust on top of tall shelves with your hands locked behind your back. 
-A Domme that believes perfect obedience is to be expected and should not be rewarded.

This type of situation is unpredictable and frightening.  It can also lead to a deeper level of subspace where you surrender to the situation. 

From a more realistic perspective, this most likely would be rather dangerous and fall into the "be careful what you wish for" category unless there is a strong and loving bond between Domme and sub.  That being said, I'm not sure if this desires is a strength or a weakness: the willingness to lovingly submit and endure through it all vs. my D/s relationships will eventually evolve to where I crave this, regardless of her wishes. 

The D/s has been absent for a while now in my relationship and I feel like it's driving me crazy.

Drawings

I really want to get back to drawing.  The truth is, I want to draw better than I am able to at this point in time.  I have been working on some new techniques for drawing/coloring but the improvement is very slow and very gradual.  Having no art background really hurts me here.  It's a bit frustrating as growing up I was not allowed a lot of freedoms to take classes in things that I did not display a talent for (aka I couldn't risk my GPA with art classes).

I do plan to do more drawing.  There's two things I have been working on that need significant improvement:
1. I need to understand the balance of detail/realism.  I'm trying to draw fantasies.  If the characters look more like a comic or cartoon, that probably isn't a bad thing.  Learning what details/parts should be drawn and which parts should be omitted is something I need to figure out.  Being stuck in the tweener state I was in before isn't something I wish to return to.

2. I just don't understand coloring/shading/lighting on a fundamental level.  I think this is the part that aggravates me the most as it not only requires a deeper understanding of art in general but also a significant amount of understanding programs used for illustration.

Hopefully at some point I'll actually do what I need to do to truly improve and not just wish it would happen.

Disturbing the submissive balance of Giver vs. Receiver

Before I took my hiatus I had written a bit about D/s relationships and balancing roles of giver and receiver for a successful relationship.

To briefly summarize:
A Domme has a balance of her enjoyment of giving (G) and receiving (R).
A Domme that predominantly enjoys doing things to her sub will lean more heavily towards G.
A Domme that predominantly enjoys having things done to/for her by her sub will lean more heavily towards R.
The balance can be displayed numerically in some examples:
50G/50R - A Domme that enjoys giving and receiving equally.
90G/10R - A Domme that strongly enjoys doing things to her sub and mildly enjoys having the sub do things for her.
33G/67R - A Domme that moderately enjoys doing things to her sub but more strongly enjoys having her sub do things for her.

A sub has a similar balance of giving and receiving.
A sub that predominantly enjoys doing things for/to his Mistress would lean more heavily towards G.
A sub that predominantly enjoys having things done to him by his Mistress would lean more heavily towards R.
subs thus have a similar balance of G/R.

A D/s relationship is most complimentary when the ratios of G/R for each party coincide, e.g. a 30G/70R Domme with a 70G/30R sub.  In these cases, the sub is less likely to annoy the Domme by trolling her for excess attention and the Domme is most likely to maximize her pleasure with a sub that will serve her to the extent that she desires.

I know this isn't a romantic way to look at things but from an objective standpoint it seems to make sense.

Something I've noticed over the years is that my own balance can change quite drastically within the moment (often to my own disappointment).  Rationally, I've always prided myself as being very service-oriented and it is possible for me to stay focused upon her needs most of the time.  If I had to rate myself I would probably say as a sub I am around 67G/33R as an average. There are other times where I'm feeling 95G/5R and completely focused and in a good submissive mindset when it can abruptly grind to a halt and transition to a less than appealing 1G/99R. 

In hindsight, these transitions are rather shameful.  The submissive pride I have towards being a strong service oriented submissive falters and leads to regret.  Upon further reflection, the primary factor triggering the transition seems to be when arousal becomes stimulation.  This is a very fine and very important line.  I root my own arousal at my sexual connection to submissive activities but there is a threshold where stimulated arousal brings upon a sudden shift to an uncontrolled "me me me, please don't stop" type of impulse. 

I know there are many Dommes that take pleasure in teasing their subs, treading the line between arousal and stimulation and twisting the result as they please.  In other cases, a Domme or sub may wish for intimate contact but not want to disturb the sub's existing G/R balance.  A chastity device can serve as a physical solution to this problem.  I tend to more strongly enjoy the psychological aspects of D/s and wanted to seek an alternate answer rooted in the mental and emotional sides of things.

The best idea I could come up with was fear.  I'm not talking about a basic "she'll get mad" type of fear, but deeply ingrained fear that shakes a sub to his core.  To be successful, the fear needs to be strong enough to subconsciously override the sub's selfish sexual impulses.  In this way the fear has to be somewhat on par with trauma.  If the G/R balance shift is punished severely enough, future occurrences could be prevented by having the sub impulse fear when stimulation reaches a point close to their threshold.  Basically, a Domme could inflict some psychological trauma upon a sub through punishment once in order to prevent it from happening again.

I'm sure there are people out there that would disagree with this method.  In many cases, subs are trained to rules through simple and rational deterrents and/or rewards. E.g. a sub may have an order to clean the bathroom. If they clean it poorly they will be spanked, if they clean it well, they will be rewarded with approval or beyond.  The sub can decide for themselves based on the pros and cons of the choices at hand.

However, the G/R balance shift is not a rational behavioral choice.  I do not choose to turn into something I do not wish to be as a result of stimulation.  It is not a behavior I am proud of nor do I have control over it.  If a sub wishes to rid themselves of it and their Domme holds the same desire, would it be wrong for them to undertake extreme measures?  While the idea of consensual trauma may seem strange, does that make it undesirable?

I know in some ways I probably try to romanticize the role of submissive too strongly in my head.  As the years go by my fantasies grow ever darker and more extreme in order to continually evolve my idea of the ideal submissive.  In most cases fantasy becomes less of what I might physically enjoy but more of the way I think it should be in a perfect D/s world.  I know deep down that I long to love and adore my Mistress but to be terrified of her as well.

Checking in

It's been a long time...

I took an extended break after realizing I had fallen into an unpleasant mindspace.  Being trapped juggling life and my internet persona took a rather large toll on me and I found myself getting too high strung and depressed so I pretty much abandoned my fetish-related social networking cold turkey.  I think the death of a fellow blogger from a blogging couple that Ms and I had befriended in the real world affected me more than I knew at the time.  I'm no stranger to losing people but I'm not good at dealing with it either.

I don't know how often I will post but I wanted to let the people I have been in contact here that I am around and haven't forgotten.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Thinking about "no"

I think part of why I tend to view D/s so differently than those who came in through the BDSM community ranks is that I'm not a big fan of being able to say no.  This stems heavily from a belief in meta-consent but also how my subspace responds in power exchange.

If a Domme orders you to do something and you can simply decline if it's something you don't like doing, this just doesn't sit right with me.  I tend to view from the standpoint of options:
1.  You say yes.
2a.  You say no but end up doing it anyway after some "encouragement."
2b.  You say no and end up doing something much worse than saying yes.

If Pavlovian conditioning exists, it doesn't take long for the sub to understand that "yes" is really the only good option.

That to me is the essence of power exchange.  It doesn't seem like D/s if you are only told to do things that you enjoy.  It doesn't seem like D/s if you can easily escape doing something you do not enjoy.  I view power as the ability to make someone do something they do not want to do.  By giving up power via power exchange you have given a Domme the right to make you do whatever she wants you to do (within reasonable boundaries).

I think this is why my subspace responds so strongly to being forced to do some things.  It thrives when "no" isn't a good option and makes the best of the situation.

Don't get me wrong, I think honesty and open communication are part of a healthy relationship, but when she has complete information and still chooses to wield this power it is very erotic.  

Pondering "what if?"

Last night I started thinking about the path that my life has followed through D/s and it got me wondering whether or not it would have progressed in a similar way if my early Femdom experiences had been less intense and/or of a shorter duration.

I have known enough Femdom couples to where I think that my beliefs on the progressive escalation of D/s intensity over time are probably true.  I also know that there are tendencies for one or both parties to hit plateaus that may provide plenty of happiness for long periods of time.

I guess I'm just curious if it would have delayed my desires for ultra-high intensity or if it would have played out nearly the same.  I know it's impossible to tell for sure but that doesn't mean I can't dabble in the hypotheticals.

Yahoo ping box go buh bye

I just caught that yahoo is discontinuing their ping box as of 12/14/12 and we're supposed to delete it before you can't delete it anymore or something.

I will miss being able to chat with people even if it is anonymous.

If you have any questions for me you can reach me through comments or my email address in my profile.

Redefining myself

It's hard to describe just what a difference I have felt emotionally since writing my post on the deep submissive.  It has completely changed the way I view myself and has made sense of much of the chaos that has cluttered my psyche for the past several years.

If you have read a decent number of my blog entries you'll find that I've never really been comfortable with being a sissy or being turned on by humiliation, etc.  By developing the idea of the deep submissive, everything really makes sense now.  Lady Grey was kind enough to provide the term "phantom fetish effect" for this and I think it describes it well.  The phantom fetish effect is basically when a sub gets turned on by the environment, symbolism, or atmosphere of an activity rather than by the activity itself.  An easy example is a sub that is not a masochist that gets turned on by being spanked not because of the pain but due to the intimacy, vulnerability, power exchange, and so on.

I finally feel like my sexual connection to forced feminization makes sense.  It is sort of like my "submissive uniform" and the more humiliating it is, the greater my sense of surrender, the deeper the subspace, and the stronger the arousal as it feeds the submissive loop.

I do feel a small sense of loss though, it seems by understanding it, some of the sting and stigma have faded from my psyche.  It's probably healthier this way but the sense of vulnerability that someone "knows my secret" is a bit less frightening now that I have rationalized it.  Basically, I think I was scared to call myself a sissy and I feel I have found the answer explaining that I am really not.  I have never aspired to be a woman, I don't have a feminine side, I find the idea of forced bi repulsing, and it just doesn't appeal to me beyond its psychological effects.

On the flip side, my sexual connection to it has not gone away, I just feel less burdened now that I understand it and can explain it.  That being said, I'm sure I could still be teased about it and feel shame, but the turmoil is gone.

If I had to call myself something now, it would probably be a deep submissive.

Nature, Nurture, and submission

There is often the debate in D/s about nature vs. nurture.  Are people born submissive or dominant, or does their environment make them that way?

I tend to be a believer that it is a little of both.  I think a person's personality has a somewhat natural disposition but the environment they develop in has a lot to do with what they eventually become.  Basically, their natural disposition affects how they react to and learn from the situations they face in their life.  Sink or swim, fight or flight, the natural instinct is there but we do not always follow our instinct and we can learn to act contrarily to it.

The submissive male is an interesting case.  I believe that most males develop in an environment that is motivated more by shame than by praise.  "Don't be a pussy," "Tough it out," etc.  We are taught we need to validate ourselves as part of the peer group in order to thrive and the fear of being seen as lesser can be strong enough to make many men behave outside of their nature.

I think this leads most men to form a divide between their public and private personas.  Our public side blends in.  It can run with the pack, succeed in our activities (work, sport, etc.), and provides a shield from potential attacks from other males.  I also believe our public persona is the birth of our fears of inadequacy, failure, and rejection.

Our private side can be seen as the "true you," but I think it extends beyond our nature.  While it may be who we are when we are outside of the influence of peers, it will also reflect our ability to cope with the fears caused by experiences as our public self.

When you see a guy acting crass and making sexist remarks when he's with the guys but then being incredibly tender and sweet with his girlfriend in a more intimate setting, this is a pretty stereotypical example of the two selves he has created.

Submission in general is strongly rooted in our private persona.  I think submissive men have a great deal of variance between them since some have a natural disposition towards submission while others can still learn to be submissive (even if it is not their choice).  Splitting them up I can see a couple of distinct paths:
1.  The "natural" submissive.
2.  The "abused" submissive.
3.  The "escapist" submissive.

The natural submissive trends towards submission.  Life may often be difficult for them since they are faced early on with the choice to be preyed upon by others or to create a public persona that disguises their true nature.  They naturally follow the stronger's lead but may struggle to assert themselves when choice is handed to them.

The abused submissive has been taught to be submissive.  They often have a very strong public persona to cover up the emotional damage buried beneath it.  Their private persona is forced to deal with crippled self-esteem and self-confidence as a result of long-term abuse.  These types look for validation and approval through submission.

The escapist submissive is generally a naturally disposed dominant.  Their public persona is strong but years of dealing with the fears created by that persona create a need for escape from it.  This may often relate to feelings towards their mother and how she could make them feel safe and protected from the big and nasty world.  They submit to take a break from their every day responsibilities their public persona has created for them.

Are any one of these more likely to be a certain type of submissive than the others?  I think the answer is probably yes but it's impossible to say for sure without having details of a specific case.

If I had to guess, I would wager that natural submissives are more likely to thrive in service-oriented roles and as bottoms sexually.  They probably pose the greatest "doormat" risk if they are lacking in the personality department.  In relationships they will thrive the best with an alpha female and he will do very well in a supporting role.

I believe that abused submissives are the most likely to deeply love their Dominant since they provide them with validation.  They are capable of most submissive roles but also pose a doormat risk since they can usually "roll with" abuse since they are accustomed to it.  These subs may be difficult in relationships since they often carry mounds of baggage but they can also be some of the most loving and affectionate types if they feel safe and cared for.

I think that escapist submissives are more likely to be bottoms in play and some sex.  I do think they are capable of lifestyle submission if their public persona is so stressful that they wish to "shut it off" any time they are not in public (but this is more likely an exception than the rule).  These types are most likely to have relationships that appear to be mostly vanilla from the outset and he is the most likely to be able to provide a fun night on the town.

Again, these are just guesses but they seem reasonable to me.  Any comments/feedback are welcome.

The subspace of the deep submissive

A lot of things have become clear in my mind since I wrote my entry on the deep submissive.  Actually, a lot of rather confusing feelings and responses now appear to make sense in how they are linked together into a system.  This system that I plan to explore in this entry is the subspace of the deep submissive.

As I described in the earlier entry, deep submissives are often misunderstood since their subspace is difficult to understand.  In most cases it's viewed simply that an erection = he enjoys it and flaccid = he doesn't enjoy it.  The psyche of the deep submissive while immersed in subspace is rather complicated, as his physical enjoyment (PE), emotional fulfillment (EF), and sexual response (SR) can be detached from one another and may or may not react together depending upon the D/s environment.

When a deep submissive experiences true pleasure it means his physical enjoyment, emotional fulfillment, and sexual response are connected.  Basically, this happens when it feels good, he feels good about it, and it turns him on.  An easy example of this is when he has pleased his Mistress and she allows him to have sex with her.

What makes the subspace of the deep submissive more complicated is when those things do not coincide.  This is mainly caused by the depth of the deep submissive's subspace.  When a deep submissive is immersed in a deep subspace, his world undergoes a fundamental change.  He undergoes major shifts in morality, ethics, and priority structure in his mind and these have a major effect on his EF component.

Here is a very brief and incomplete list of the rules governing a deep submissive's subspace to illustrate the idea:
The world is perfect when she gets everything she wants.
Everything that pleases her is right, everything that displeases her is wrong.
The submissive is valuable when he pleases her and worthless when he displeases her.
Pleasure is a gift granted by the Mistress.
Punishment is always justified.

The deep submissive will shift to a system of logic that reinforces the rules of his subspace.  This may sometimes give the appearance of doormat behavior, but in actuality it is his submissive pride dictating an almost impossibly high standard of service (his EF): he received the honor of being chosen by her so his service must be perfect at all times to prove he was the worthy choice.  Living under these rules brings a high level of shame and guilt upon any failure, and a failure is any time he wasn't perfect or she wasn't perfectly pleased by him.  This is also why a deep submissive is able to thrive under extremely strict rules since they give him a level of conduct to aspire for and he feels proud when he exceeds her expectations of him.

A deep submissive can accept and adapt to any new rule as long as it makes sense within his new logic base.  If she thinks his service suffers for a couple of days after an orgasm and she decides he should no longer have orgasms because of that, he may be disappointed but he will find a way to believe that is the correct course of action and is plenty fair since it will ensure he can better serve her.  If she physically punishes him for even the smallest of infractions, he will believe he deserved it and willingly accept it, sometimes welcoming it since it will improve his future performance (e.g. One spanking is more effective than ten lectures) and ease his guilt over failing to serve perfectly.  The sub's logic in this state can justify nearly anything that she wants to do.  If she chooses to beat him out of the blue, he can accept if it is to "remind him of his place," "to keep him focused," or "prevent future transgressions."

Oddly enough, this method of coping can often ruin true pleasure since his PE and SR are met, but his EF may disconnect if he doesn't feel like he deserves it.  Similarly, he may display masochistic behaviors during a punishment since his EF and SR drive his subspace when he feels like he deserves punishment even though he experiences zero (or negative) PE.

Dealing with this type of sub can be difficult for some Dommes since they sometimes do not understand the depth that his subspace reaches and how his mind works during those times.  Often the crueler and less tolerant she is, the better he will feel.  This is because he feels good about performing with a superb attention to detail and he knows that when he pleases her, she values having such a competent sub.  It will even make him love her more since he is thankful that she is willing to bring out the best in him, even if that involves pushing him to his absolute limits.  If it seems like he wishes to be denied pleasure, that is not really the case, he just only wishes to receive pleasure when he feels like he has earned it and deserves it.

Relationships of this nature may appear abusive to the outside world, but in most of the cases, the sub is sublimely happy and wouldn't trade his lifestyle for the world.  This also doesn't mean he is a doormat, since if she wants to enjoy his company, he will be that, if she wants to have vanilla  fun, he will be that.  What it does mean is that he can be whatever she wants him to be at any given time. 

Dominance as a Meta-Fetish

Author’s note:  This will probably be my last serious entry for a while.  I realized today that I had hit the mania phase of my depression cycle and that has driven a few of my recent blog posts.  During these times I have a tendency to overstate some things and make an ass of myself.  The downside is that once I leave mania I tend to sink into a pretty deep downswing.  I think I was able to “catch it” in time and channel it in my last post on “deep submission,” hopefully steering me clear of the worst of it.  I am feeling fine now but I have taken the internal note that I should write when I feel like writing and not grasp at straws trying to write simply to express the mess going on inside.

End note.

I had a rather striking breakthrough realization today.  It is probably the most important step in understanding the nature of my submission since I entered the lifestyle.  It answered about twenty thousand questions that had been lingering within me and my outlook is a lot clearer now.

The concept that has granted me solace is Dominance as a meta-fetish.  That is, while a varying number of activities are able to act as subspace triggers and cause sexual arousal, it is not the activity itself but the symbolism of those activities that are of greatest importance to me. 

Failing to truly grasp this caused a lot of confusion over the years because I was never quite certain what was going on at the essence of my submission.  It also explains why such a wide variety of activities appeal to me on some level.  I have often said, “I hate it, but I love what it does to me.”  I feel like it should have been clear then but it seems that I just didn’t see how the pieces fit into the puzzle until now.

If a sub has a fetish for Dominance, what I mean is that their peak response is to the symbolism of power exchange.  They will respond to activities that (A) increase the power of the Domme, and (B) make the sub more vulnerable.

This is an interesting fetish since it seems to cover both giving and receiving types of activities.  The sub may appear as if they have a fetish for service-oriented submission but their actual response is to status inequality and fear of punishment.  They may appear as if they have a bondage fetish but the inner draw is her control over him and his helplessness before her.  They may appear as if they have a fetish for forced feminization when the inner draw is that she has the power to make him dress how she wants him to and his status requires him to comply no matter how unpleasant it might be. 

I’m sure on some levels someone might read this and feel, “well duh, this is common sense.”  There’s been many cases where I described these reasons for specific fetishes, but I have yet to really hear from anyone who is drawn to pretty much all activities that fit the A + B archetype.  Like, you’ll find bondage enthusiasts that do not respond to any more intense activities.  You will find sissies that respond to cross-dressing when it isn’t forced.  You will find subs that respond to many “receiving” activities (such as play) but respond to very few “giving” activities (such as service). 

This is why I find this unique in a way.  You will find many that respond to some activities, but very few that will respond to pretty much all activities. 

I think the other separating point for subs with a fetish for dominance is that the greater the symbolism of power exchange in an event, the stronger the submissive response.  I believe this is why some subs will crave cruel treatment yet still wish to be loved by their Mistress.  The greater the cruelty the, greater the display of A and B, the deeper the sub falls into subspace, and the more he loves his Mistress. 

If you believe in my theory of D/s escalation (that repetition gets ordinary which requires new, more intense activities to trigger the same feelings) it makes complete sense why subs seem rather insane at the intensity they crave. 

This brings me pretty much full-circle back to the reason I started blogging in the first place.  I am not so much a sissy, I just crave the display of power exchange of being forced to wear a humiliating uniform while serving my Mistress because it amuses her. 

The Deep submissive

There exists a submissive type that is a bit different than most.  I call them the "deep submissive."  These types of subs are usually easy to spot but are easily misinterpreted and misunderstood.

The deep submissive is an interesting one because they display characteristics of several different submissive types but seemingly all at the same time.  They often display the yearnings of a service submissive, the devotion and selflessness of a slave type, but still have the sexual desires of a fetishist.  The difficulty in understanding them is that they may display some of the characteristics of a different submissive type but they are usually fundamentally different in their motives and often don't share any other traits with that type.

At the core of the deep submissive is the intense need to please and obey the woman he submits to.  To say that he would do anything for her probably isn't too large of an exaggeration.  However, he is not a doormat.  He has a strong sense of self and lots of creative energy, he just focuses himself intently on her needs.  He is also willing to change himself if it will make her happier.  He has the ability to adapt and will act independently when it is appropriate or submit to strict rules and guidelines when that is appropriate.  Basically, he doesn't need to be told what to do but if he is told, he obeys to the T.

His fetish is for actions and symbols that display power inequalities and his devotion to his Domme.  It is highly likely that simply wearing her collar will arouse him since it is both a proud symbol of ownership by his Mistress, but also a symbol that he is below her and exists to please her.  He responds well to rituals and actions that make him feel connected to his Domme and these too will probably arouse him.  There are a few activities where he may respond with arousal in a way that gives him the appearance of having a fetish for the activity, when his arousal really comes from the display of power by the Domme over him.  These may include but are not limited to:  CFNM, forced feminization, chastity, restraints, corporal punishment, pegging, and protocol restrictions.

In many cases the line becomes so blurry that a deep submissive won't even know why he is responding sexually to the activity.  He may mistake the activity as the fetish rather than his response to the symbolism of the activity.  What is so interesting is that this deeper connection can make him respond sexually to a very large number of activities, even ones he finds unpleasant or strongly dislikes.

Deep submissives tend to love their Mistresses with a very intense passion and these types of subs are usually married to their Dommes.  They are kind of a Swiss Army Knife of the submissive world.  They understand the roles they must fill in her life and can adapt at any time.  They are a friend, lover, confidante, servant, plaything, sex slave, and whipping boy all in one.  They can easily converse with their Dommes on topics of shared interest, they have a sense of humor, they want to share rewarding life experiences with her.  They will respond to her beck and call with gusto, submit as her source of amusement, pleasure her sexually, and are willing to suffer for her.

It is sometimes difficult for a Domme to understand what makes a deep submissive tick (for the same reasons deep submissives may struggle to understand).  They key is always to look at the symbolic nature of the activities and there's a very good chance that the stronger the display of power, the more connected the sub will feel and the more he will become aroused.  Another interesting result is that the farther a Domme pushes a deep submissive's limits, the stronger his love and devotion to her will grow.

Deep submissives are complete people but may appear incomplete or desperate if they are single.  It is easy for them to become depressed or agitated when single because they have so much love to give that they feel lost when there is no one there to receive it.

Why more women should practice lifestyle D/s

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Ethics vs. Choices

Throughout the internet you'll find many discussions on "appropriate" levels of BDSM intensity.  There are numerous inclusions of what constitutes consent vs. just pleasure, what is okay to do in reality vs. play fantasy, and the like.  The views are often shaped by the background experiences of the individual (especially those who have been active in a formal BDSM community), but it seems regardless of a person's experience level, there are many who will share their opinions whether their bias is based on experience, logic, ethics, or fantasy.  The greatest levels of D/s intensity generally come under the greatest scrutiny.

The world history of oppressed and oppressors, the slave trade, etc. give ample firepower to those who wish to condemn or speak out against relationships with a high degree of power exchange.  Is this really a fair comparison?  I believe when people cannot picture themselves enjoying a certain lifestyle there is a tendency to condemn it.  The great and over-riding difference between power exchange and history is consent.  The power differential is not based upon wealth, skin color, religion, religious decree, race, gender, class, caste, or birth.  A Domme doesn't come into existence like a Queen or Tsarina, she isn't born into an existing oppressive power structure with the ability to abuse power merely through title and standing.  Her power structure is created when another agrees to fall below her in the heirarchy of the world they create together.  This is a might difference.

A sub isn't dragged into his situation kicking and screaming.  While he may kick and scream for different reasons later, at some point he made a choice.  While I would like to say he enters "with his eyes wide open," in many cases it's with his eyes half open (yes, this is a reference to men who squint when they masturbate).  I have often been told that a Domme that arouses a sub in manipulate him sexually and make him agree with something he doesn't really want is doing something wrong or unethical.  A case can be made for both views on a personal level but I tend to feel if he "can't help himself," he is still responsible for his choices.  A frat boy pillow talking a girl with low self esteem into bed with sweet sweet lies is considered responsible for his actions.  A sexual predator seeking the object of his desires and acting out his twisted fantasies is also considered responsible, even if he did it because he "couldn't help himself."

I find it to be an odd double-standard when men follow their penises and some are seen as helpless victims and others as rational beings pulled along by sexual desire.

I also find it odd when people view a Queen abusing her servant in the same light as a couple who choose to live like a Queen and servant.  The notions of power by birth and power by consent are indeed very different subjects.

On a side note, I feel that woman's ability to sexually manipulate a man into certain choices isn't an abuse of power.  If men were meant to be able to resist feminine charms, our intelligence wouldn't cut in half when we get an erection.

Taking submissive Inventory

About once a year I tend to go over my thoughts on submission. It can clear things up in my head and it's interesting to compare from year to year how my thoughts change and how many things stay the same. It usually stays relatively static but the importance of each thing will shuffle around. Here goes this year's.

The most important factor in being a good submissive follows the same principles of being a good lover: make her happiness your greatest priority and things will generally turn out well. If your actions and impulses reflect this principle you are in good shape.

This does not mean to become a boring sycophant that just goes along with anything and everything. Be someone worthy of being her life partner.

On a personal level be someone that stimulates her intellectually and emotionally. Be interesting conversation, have a sense of humor, and be able to share things with her that are something unique that only you can offer. Have a personality but do not argue with her.

On an external level be someone she is proud to be with. Be polite, respectful, courteous, and chivalrous . Pay attention and know her body language and visual cues. Be mindful of your surroundings. Be the man that other women will wish they had.

On an emotional level be someone that makes her feel special. Be attentive and a good listener. Be affectionate and open with compliments. Do not let your stubborn masculinity and self-consciousness get in the way of a phrase, act, or gesture that may bring her joy. "I didn't say it because it sounds cheesy," is a weaker man's excuse. She is your Queen. Make her believe she is a Queen.

On a physical level be mindful of your appearance. This does not mean to be vain or shallow. It does mean that there are certain things that she holds a preference for and be mindful of these preferences. If she likes it when you are clean shaven with well kempt hair and nails and dressed in a manner that she finds attractive, this is how you should present yourself to her. Staying in shape and eating right are a plus for the both of you. "I wish you would [insert action here]," should not be in her vocabulary. You should know and have already done that for her.

On a submissive level remain focused on what pleases her. Conduct yourself in the manner she deems most fitting of your position. If she is happy, horny, confident, and proud that you are her submissive, there's a very good chance you will get the kind of activities you also enjoy without having to ask for them.

She is the special one. A submissive exists to make her feel that special all the time.

(After writing this I realized I completely skipped over any sort of romance/romantic gestures.  I guess I have failed there). 

The Comfort of Humiliation

A lot of subs enjoy the fantasy of humiliation.  Some subs enjoy actually being humiliated.  I was doing some thinking on humiliation today and found a few of my thoughts on it had become a little clearer.  I have written before about how humiliation can be either enjoyable or devastating depending upon the environment.  This is working from the perspective of a controlled environment (where there is no potential “life ruining” danger of humiliation, nor risk of serious physical harm). 

I think that in many cases, humiliation can be very comforting. 

It’s easy for men, especially submissive men, to carry insecurities and fears that they have buried deep within themselves since a relatively young age.  These can include a wide range of subject matter ranging from physical build, success, kinks and fetishes, etc.  These types of deep fears tend to be fairly deeply rooted in our psyche and no matter what anyone tells us, we seem to still fear the worst: that every insecurity-based worry we have is true.

Therein lies the comfort of humiliation.  Think your penis is small?  It is, but she doesn’t reject you for it.  Think your kink or fetish makes you a freak?  It does, but she doesn’t reject you for it.  With one act, all of your fears and doubts about yourself are completely justified and true.  We believe it, know that it is true, and are grateful that she keeps us around even though she feels that way too. 

I think that’s why humiliation is such a common fantasy.  All-too-often our fears are deepest because we believe they have the potential to “make-or-break” a relationship (or potential relationship).  In this scenario she doesn’t reject us, but actually pays more attention to us for that reason. 

It might seem more emotionally healthy to try to encourage a man so that he doesn’t have these fears but in most cases, it is burned so deeply into his psyche that saying otherwise won’t seem honest since we are firmly convinced of the opposite.  “It’s huge!” or “It’s perfectly normal to have desires like that” just won’t sound like the truth.  If it isn’t used to humiliate, then an underhanded compliment at least feels more honest.  “It’s big enough” or “I like you the way you are,” does enough to make us feel safe and it will still feel like the truth.  They also keep the door open wide enough to be humiliated for those reasons at a later date. 

In any case, knowing she keeps us around even though we are inadequate is a very comforting feeling. 

Dream is almost a reality

If you have read my blog for a long time you may have seen some of my dream bondage device posts, which are basically fantasy bondage devices that have shown up in my twisted dreams when I sleep.

A while ago I made a post on using In ear monitors for sensory deprivation.  Basically, wireless earplugs/headphones that could be used so that the Mistress could control what you would hear, whether it was a microphone of her voice pumped directly into your ear, white noise, a hypnotic mantra, music, etc.  In my dream these monitors were held in place by a pair of earmuffs (that had a locking chin strap).

This year a few designers have made this at least a half-reality by cutting out the middleman and putting the speakers directly into the earmuffs.  Almost there... now they just need them to block out almost 100% external sound, be wireless, and incredibly difficult to remove if secured.

Love, Abuse, and D/s

I'm screwed up and I know it.  I think I've gotten used to it as I don't even feel self-conscious about being screwed anymore.  I know I've written entries like this before but it is cathartic for me to write in this way so that I can better understand myself.

A good number of individuals involved in lifestyle D/s often have a history of emotional and/or physical abuse that dates back to when we were young.  This is not always the case by any means but it is frequently the case.  I think in a lot of ways, abuse during our formative years can help propel someone towards D/s in the future but it can be towards both submissive or dominant.

In my own case I was raised in an environment where I had to earn love.  It wasn't given unconditionally.  It was given when I excelled at something, whether it be academics, sports, music, etc.  When I failed or stepped out of line I was beaten down physically and emotionally.  This is how I learned to live and how I viewed myself: I was worthy when I was the best and worthless if I was not.

While highly motivating, it's also a bit screwed up and it has led to some difficulties with self-image and self-esteem.  When I succeed I crave praise and approval but feel like I don't really deserve it if/when I receive it.  When I fail I crash hard and it's difficult for me to cope with failure.  This is reflected in my life as a submissive.  I try hard because I want to be accepted but I never really build self-esteem.  When I fail I feel like I should be punished.

It's odd but that plays perfectly towards a strict D/s lifestyle.  Success is to be expected and failure will not be tolerated.  I seem to cope better with this kind of tough love than love given unconditionally.  My non-D/s relationship experience has shown that unconditional love often leaves so it's like I expect to have to earn love and have made peace with that.  I'm not sure if that is healthy but under those circumstances my emotions and thoughts tend to make more sense.

I have known a few Dommes that were spawned in similar environments.  They were strong enough to say "fuck you" to the factors keeping them down and create situations where they were in control.  This control grants them their power and it makes sense to me as an outsider looking in.  I know they don't always feel dominant all the time and there are occasions where outside factors can shake up their feelings of control but as a whole I respect the way they chose to overcome their past.

Politics, Tolerance, and Sexuality

I really try to avoid politics at all costs.  Political events have a long history of making me depressed about things I have no control over.  They have led to fights that I have lost friends over.  Basically, it’s something I tend to avoid at all costs.

The only time I tend to really get vocal is when politics begins to infringe upon and attempt to define “proper” sexuality.  Kink is a large enough part of my life and identity that I tend to feel strongly about certain subjects.  I am not a LGBT rights activist.  I am pro tolerance.   

Just recently in my state there was an attempt to pass some very anti-gay legislature and it barely got shot down.  I had no direct interest in this as I am not gay nor I do not have any gay friends (although I have had them in the past).  I do tend to get a bit upset when the hate machine starts rolling on topics like these.  When power starts telling us what is “proper,” “appropriate,” and “decent,” there’s always some fear in my mind since you never really know how far they will go. 

When “traditional” values start being brought up it becomes clear:  I am a sexual deviant.  Anyone that considers them-selves to be submissive, dominant, switch, etc. would also be slapped with this label.  I consider my submission to be part of my sexuality.  It’s not something I asked for, nor wanted, but it’s something I have accepted about myself.  There was a time when homosexuality was viewed as being sexually deviant (and it still is by many) and most homosexuals I have known over the years have described their inner feelings as similar: they didn’t ask for it, didn’t want it, but they have accepted it.

History has shown that once the hate machine gets rolling, anyone different better watch out.  Anyone with D/s or BDSM type interests should be especially wary.

Not every state attempts things like mine.  Some did just the opposite.  That gives me hope.  Deep inside me I have a naïve fantasy that D/s will at some time be openly accepted as a sexual identity and possibly even recognized by law. It’s a long shot but you never know what will happen in the future.  A lot of it depends on which direction the ball starts rolling now. 

Missing Everyone

I never realized just how much I needed to interact with people here until recently.

It seems a whole lot of people I used to exchange comments with have gone inactive and I'm really missing it. 

A new definition of subspace

I've written a lot about subspace and have often been asked to describe it.  I tend to view it as a state of mind rather than as the result of physical play as it is often portrayed (usually by writings that assume every submissive is a masochist).

 

In my past analysis of subspace I often viewed it as a priority shift from an inward stance (what I want) to an outward stance (what can I do for her?) in a sub's mental state that is often tied to psychological and sexual triggers.  While this may describe what I end up feeling as I progress into deeper stages of subspace, it tends to skip a few of the earlier stages.

 

Tonight I was thinking about how to describe it in a way that covers all stages.  What seemed to make sense to me is that in any stage, subspace is a (progressive) state of wanting more but being willing to accept less.  

 

In its shallowest states, a sub may crave sexual contact and fetish presence but rather than simply jerking off themselves, they relinquish control of those factors over to the Domme.  Basically, they get horny and have an increased desire for kink and sexual attention but accept a less immediate form of gratification.

 

This seems to hold true for most stages of subspace as well as most fetish activities.  E.g. A sub in chastity and deep subspace may dearly want to cum but instead accepts teasing and the idea of "maybe next time."  This in turn deepens their subspace and makes them crave the orgasm even more, which is what makes the disappointment of further denial so exhilarating.  A sub in an extremely deep state (bordering on slave level state) may deeply crave attention, love, praise, etc. but may simply accept not being punished as a reward for good service.  

 

As states deepen, the number and strength of desires may grow while the sub is willing to accept progressively less of their immediate desires.  Note:  By immediate desires I am referring to desires in the moment and not desires we rationalize while outside of subspace.

 

I may think about this definition a bit more.  Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Drawing: Last Orgasm

I'm not super happy with how this one turned out (it never looked quite right) but I figured I may as well post it anyway.

Drawing: Outed

Kind of a cliché fantasy, but it's the first drawing I've finished in quite a while.  Now that I think about it, it is one of the few drawings where the dressing is implied to be voluntary rather than forced.  I found a great smirking facial expression browsing winter catalogs and had to turn it into something and this is what it became.

Yahoo Pingbox

For some reason my yahoo messenger stopped allowing people to message me from my pingbox here on the blog.  I downloaded an alternate client that is now working with it, although it doesn't display the nickname you customize so it will show up as something generic like "guest7832343" if I receive a message from you.

I know I don't get tons of messages through there, but at least now I know why that had gone to zero.

Transformation... Or not...

Sorry if I've written something similar to this in the past... things have been so vanilla lately on the home front that it's tough to write about new topics when there aren't any new experiences.


Male to female transformation is a common theme amongst forced fem fetishists.  The idea of taking a man and turning him into a sexy womanly figure as either a slave or slut can be hot, but it doesn't really do it for me.  I'm not really sure why not, but I'm definitely wired differently in that regards.  It might be because I'm a female supremacist at heart and a lowly male creature shouldn't be able to pass as a woman.  It might be that the thought of becoming a woman's lesbian lover ranks us as equals and that doesn't sit right for me.

Overall, that idea just doesn't do anything for my subspace.

What does cater to my subspace that can be captured in this example dialogue:
sub: "why are you turning me into a woman?"
Domme:  "Oh, don't worry, just because you're wearing women's clothes, NO ONE will believe that you are actually a woman."

Humiliation comes from being stuck in between states.  Stripped of your masculinity but with none of the sexual allure, grace, or feminine charms of a woman.  Flat chest.  Boy hair.  Crotch bulge.  No hips.  Caked on whore's make-up with a 5 o'clock shadow.  Muscular build.  Clothes that don't fit right.

I think my first Mistress got it just right when she dressed me up, laughed at me, and bluntly stated, "no self-respecting woman would be caught dead wearing that." She was right, I'm not a woman and a humiliated sissy has no self-respect.  To sum it up, for transformation to bring on deep subspace, I have to hate what I have become... face burning bright red with shame and on the verge of tears.

Dream Bondage Device: Bondage Muff

Some comments on my earlier fur 2012 post really got my head spinning and brought back some memories of a dream I had a long time ago... Which leads me to doing my first dream bondage device in a while.

I may have mentioned this briefly during my humiliation boutique drawings from last year but here it is again.

It's a fox fur bondage muff.  It is attached to a heavy leather belt that runs through the inside of the muff and the belt secures it at waist height with a locking buckle at the back.  This keeps the hands secured at a fixed height and it also prevents the sissy from rubbing his lil clitty with the fur, as some sissies would be prone to doing that if left to their own accord.  There are one or more leather straps on the inside that both reinforce the muff's strength and provide D-Rings to serve as locking points.

In its basic use a pair of unlocked handcuffs can be threaded through the ring.  Upon closing the cuffs, they become too large to pass through the ring again, securing the sissy's hands inside the muff.   If a longer chain is threaded through the ring and locked to wrist cuffs, it is possible to allow the sissy to use one hand at a time, but removing one hand pulls the other hand farther into the muff.

Another option is to not lock the sissy's hands inside but to run a string of jingle bells attached to the ring.  As long as they hold the bells, their hands will mute the jingle.  If they remove their hands for any reason the bells will ring with the slightest movement and draw some potentially unwanted attention.  This situation is especially useful if the sissy has to purchase something and pays for it himself.

Variants:
-A chain that connects the muff to the sissy's collar to further limit movement or belt slippage.
-A hidden pocket on the outside of the muff where the lock keys can be stored safely yet still out of reach.
-Metal cuffs sewn into the muff's ends so that squeezing the ends lock their hands inside.

Fur 2012 Part 2

As more winter 2012 items keep rolling out I'm feeling very polarized.  There's a lot of fur this year (more than last year and the year before) but I'm not really digging a lot of it.  The feelings are a lot less classy and a lot more patchwork.  I will say there's a good number of items that have me feeling indifferent as well as it's tough to get excited about a shapeless puffy parka with a small strip of fox on the hood.  Part of this might be that this year's crop of anorexic models really don't offer much in the breast, hip, or ass department to actually give some shape and curves.

It's love it, hate it, or meh.

I found a few more things that I really enjoy from an overall look and attitude standpoint (not all have fur).

I never really enjoyed tibetan lamb much until this.

I really like this look... Very 1920's-30's retro.

I have a couple more "hall of shame" winners.  The earmuffs are the most atrocious color scheme I've seen this year.  I just don't get the hats, though.  I'm sure they're functionally warm but I don't see a woman under the age of 65-70 wearing one of those and the colors are too neutral to be humiliatingly sissy.

Fur 2012

The fall clothing has started showing up on department store websites.  Early browsing says this will be a good year (although it felt that way last year and ended up being rather weak). 

My favorites so far:

I love this coat. It's hot, shapely, and can both conceal and reveal.

My first impulse on this was mixed.  It has a bit of a huntress/warrior vibe though and I really enjoy the middle picture of it.

I love the collar.  The sweater is its vehicle.

This is a pretty classic look. I love the waist taper to show off the hourglass shape even if it doesn't exaggerate the cleavage. 

I like this as well. I usually hate skinny leg pants, but the jacket has just enough flare at the hips to make that work.

This is nice but I think only certain body types could pull it off.

Sissiest item of the year goes to:

The hall of shame award... goes to something that looks like it came out of a backwoods taxidermist but about $1500 more expensive: