This is something that has been on my mind lately and I have attempted to write a couple of posts on it but have so far failed miserably at finishing them.
A quick definition to begin things: I will be working with the idea that a sadist derives sexual arousal from inflicting cruelty and suffering on others. While a non-sadist may experience some sexual arousal from similar activities, I will assume their arousal is due to other related factors (e.g. devotion, symbolism, a fetish, etc.) and not directly linked to their victim's physical/psychological/sexual discomfort.
In order to keep this interesting, the idea of the non-sadist Domme will be a rather extreme example: while she doesn't get turned on by cruelty, she is completely indifferent to whether or not the sub finds things cruel as long as it results in her desired outcome. In order for a sub to experience a similar level of (albeit different flavor of) suffering, this Domme would have to be extremely demanding, whether those demands are realistic or not.
The differences between a sadist and our non-sadist can yield some crucial differences in the sub's experiences even if the activities remain nearly identical.
Chore: a sub is ordered to clean a room.
Sadist (S): She will want to make this task more difficult and unpleasant. This might take the form of messing the room up more or using restraints to make the sub's job more difficult (e.g. wrists chained to his balls). She can experience arousal/pleasure by being present and tormenting the sub but will still experience arousal/pleasure without being present and simply thinking about how much the sub is struggling.
Non-Sadist (NS): She will expect this task to be performed quickly and thoroughly. Her pleasure comes from having a cleaned room without any wasted time, so it is unlikely she will do anything to inflict direct suffering. However, she may order the sub to perform this task in an unrealistic amount of time, e.g. it should take 2.5 hours, but he is expected to finish in 1 hour with no decrease in performance quality. Failure to complete in time or to her standards will result in severe punishment.
Uniform: a sub is dressed as a maid.
S: She will want the uniform to humiliate and embarrass the sub, ideally inflict discomfort. This can double as an actual or hypothetical threat in regards to further humiliation, blackmail, etc. She is more likely to go with over the top styles, painful and uncomfortable heels, wrist & ankle restraints, posture collars, gags, etc.
NS: She will want his uniform to represent his submissive role as well as his competence in fulfilling it. Being properly maintained and tidy are paramount. It will likely be something she finds aesthetically pleasing and suitable for his role.
Chastity
S: She enjoys his sexual frustration and the constant mental suffering of earning release. Even if she doesn't plan to allow him release, she will keep the idea of release alive in his mind simply to witness his disappointment when she takes it away. If she keeps him contained for a long enough time, she might even make him beg to be milked.
NS: She is indifferent to his sexual needs. Chastity turns him into a non-sexual entity. Release isn't spoken of or even implied with the possible exception of maintenance milking.
Punishment
S:She punishes him regularly to make him suffer, even if he is constantly suffering. Punishment can be used to inflict more exquisite forms of suffering than are present in normal day to day activities.
NS: For her, punishment serves a purpose: break any resistance and instill enough fear to keep him motivated. To achieve these ends, punishments have be very severe.
By now, you probably have some idea of which type of Domme you would rather fantasize about. While both may "do it" for a sub on some level, I have a feeling which one "does it more" is strongly linked to a submissive's self-worth and confidence in their abilities to serve/please the Domme. I could be wrong, but it seems like a sub who is fully confident in their abilities would be less fearful of a non-sadist that may make things difficult, but rarely impossible. If a sub is constantly afraid that they cannot perform adequately, the non-sadist probably provides a sink or swim environment conducive to their subspace. An abusive sadist can find creative ways to screw up a sub's performance no matter how competent they are. A sub that is fully confident but still craves fear most likely connects more strongly with the sadistic type.
If I'm wrong here, please let me know.
On another note, it's interesting when you look at how these types are portrayed in other fictional works. The non-sadist is almost always in some form of upper management position while the sadist is usually an underling who terrorizes someone even lower on the totem pole. e.g. CEO vs. Middle management, Warden vs. Guard, Super Villain vs. Top Henchman, etc. Apparently stereotypical representations seem to believe sadists aren't as ambitious or as capable of climbing the ladder as their non-sadistic counterparts.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Monday, September 7, 2015
It's been a while
I see that it has been almost a year since my last post. Life has been busy lately and I just haven't been spending much time online nor in the mind-space in which I do most of my work on here.
I first wanted to thank the readers that have checked in or contacted me over the past year. Unfortunately I haven't completed a new drawing in ages. I was working on revising the way in which I do my drawings but This was very time consuming and I didn't really get anywhere with it either. I have had plenty of ideas, most of which are beyond what I am capable of performing. I do plan on drawing again at some point in the future. If anyone has any ideas for what they would like to see please let me know.
I also spent some time dabbling with making a Femdom computer game but found the available options to be either too lacking and simple or far too complicated to adequately perform without a significant amount of work/training. This is something I had done in the past with some basic text-based versions as well as a few flash-based ones, but I have never really been able to execute my vision.
I did some web searches out of curiosity and found a handful of my drawings have circulated a bit around the web. This made me fairly happy. Oddly enough my post on awakening the male nipples ended up being cited as a top answer on one of the Q&A sites (I think yahoo) about male nipple manipulation. I think my KTB post probably got the most exposure out of everything though. I can say I was fairly proud to find my Tips for courting a Domme post linked on a few Domme sites/blogs.
I will try to make another post tonight.
I hope everyone is doing well.
I first wanted to thank the readers that have checked in or contacted me over the past year. Unfortunately I haven't completed a new drawing in ages. I was working on revising the way in which I do my drawings but This was very time consuming and I didn't really get anywhere with it either. I have had plenty of ideas, most of which are beyond what I am capable of performing. I do plan on drawing again at some point in the future. If anyone has any ideas for what they would like to see please let me know.
I also spent some time dabbling with making a Femdom computer game but found the available options to be either too lacking and simple or far too complicated to adequately perform without a significant amount of work/training. This is something I had done in the past with some basic text-based versions as well as a few flash-based ones, but I have never really been able to execute my vision.
I did some web searches out of curiosity and found a handful of my drawings have circulated a bit around the web. This made me fairly happy. Oddly enough my post on awakening the male nipples ended up being cited as a top answer on one of the Q&A sites (I think yahoo) about male nipple manipulation. I think my KTB post probably got the most exposure out of everything though. I can say I was fairly proud to find my Tips for courting a Domme post linked on a few Domme sites/blogs.
I will try to make another post tonight.
I hope everyone is doing well.
Monday, September 22, 2014
New (or new to me) blogs?
I know I keep falling off the planet. It seems that very few of the blogs I used to frequent are still up and going. Does anyone have any recommendations?
I know if I am able to get more active here I will be more likely to keep up with posts and possibly drawings.
I know if I am able to get more active here I will be more likely to keep up with posts and possibly drawings.
Words of Caution
I've seen a good number of negative comments in the past month on a few blogs I follow and to anyone reading this I encourage you to avoid negativity towards the relationships of others without consideration for their relationship's frame of reference.
I think that most D/s relationships stem from 1 of 3 sources:
----------------------------------------------------------
1. The BDSM/Kink scene. If you live in a metropolitan area, it's likely there exists one or more groups that provide regular meetings of a kink-themed nature. These groups often serve as social networks for those with D/s interests with the common understanding of tolerance and discreetness. Most BDSM groups have a fairly rigid set of rules about conduct, usually in place to protect subs from potential abuse. e.g. pre-negotiated activities, safe words, hard limits, etc. are expected to be obeyed or individuals may be ostracized from the community.
Relationships that form in this environment generally promote mutual pleasure from shared/overlapping kinks. The rules of the community are generally represented and respected and are often considered the "right way of doing things."
2. Discovered D/s. Discovered D/s happens when a relationship is formed on vanilla terms and at some point evolves into a D/s relationship. This can happen in a variety of ways.
Discovered D/s is an interesting one because in most (but not all cases), one member's fantasies are often fairly extreme while the other is a novice just beginning to scrape the surface. The way in which both parties educate themselves upon the lifestyle will often lead to the style and intensity of the relationship. This often includes a mix and match of BDSM community morality and more intense activity, frequently in a "learn as we go" environment.
The trends in these relationships are for the Dommes to get more dominant and the subs to get more submissive as time goes on. That being said, you will encounter couples in various stages of D/s ranging from mild to moderate to intense.
3. Negotiated Lifestyle D/s. Negotiated D/s relationships are formed more similarly to BDSM scene relationships in that both parties enter into the relationship with roles and expectations in mind but differ in that the scene norms often will not apply to them in any way. One party (generally the Domme) will have an idea of the intensity and activities they want and attempt to locate subs another who wishes for a similar arrangement.
These relationships often evolve similarly to Discovered D/s relationships in the tendencies for Dommes to grow more dominant and subs to get more submissive, leading to changes in intensity levels over time.
---------------------------------------------------------
Which type your relationship originated from will heavily influence your views on what is "right" and "wrong" in D/s relationships. The "when" matters just as much. I guess I just get a little bothered when people try to ignore these factors and judge. There are ways to give constructive input, such as "I can see how you got there but you may want to consider...," but too often negative comments simply show just how different a place someone is coming from.
/end rant.
I think that most D/s relationships stem from 1 of 3 sources:
----------------------------------------------------------
1. The BDSM/Kink scene. If you live in a metropolitan area, it's likely there exists one or more groups that provide regular meetings of a kink-themed nature. These groups often serve as social networks for those with D/s interests with the common understanding of tolerance and discreetness. Most BDSM groups have a fairly rigid set of rules about conduct, usually in place to protect subs from potential abuse. e.g. pre-negotiated activities, safe words, hard limits, etc. are expected to be obeyed or individuals may be ostracized from the community.
Relationships that form in this environment generally promote mutual pleasure from shared/overlapping kinks. The rules of the community are generally represented and respected and are often considered the "right way of doing things."
2. Discovered D/s. Discovered D/s happens when a relationship is formed on vanilla terms and at some point evolves into a D/s relationship. This can happen in a variety of ways.
Discovered D/s is an interesting one because in most (but not all cases), one member's fantasies are often fairly extreme while the other is a novice just beginning to scrape the surface. The way in which both parties educate themselves upon the lifestyle will often lead to the style and intensity of the relationship. This often includes a mix and match of BDSM community morality and more intense activity, frequently in a "learn as we go" environment.
The trends in these relationships are for the Dommes to get more dominant and the subs to get more submissive as time goes on. That being said, you will encounter couples in various stages of D/s ranging from mild to moderate to intense.
3. Negotiated Lifestyle D/s. Negotiated D/s relationships are formed more similarly to BDSM scene relationships in that both parties enter into the relationship with roles and expectations in mind but differ in that the scene norms often will not apply to them in any way. One party (generally the Domme) will have an idea of the intensity and activities they want and attempt to locate subs another who wishes for a similar arrangement.
These relationships often evolve similarly to Discovered D/s relationships in the tendencies for Dommes to grow more dominant and subs to get more submissive, leading to changes in intensity levels over time.
---------------------------------------------------------
Which type your relationship originated from will heavily influence your views on what is "right" and "wrong" in D/s relationships. The "when" matters just as much. I guess I just get a little bothered when people try to ignore these factors and judge. There are ways to give constructive input, such as "I can see how you got there but you may want to consider...," but too often negative comments simply show just how different a place someone is coming from.
/end rant.
The New Car Smell
Woman In Control is my favorite blog that I have had a chance to follow over the course of my blogging history. Some recent back and forth comments got me thinking a bit about things and I wanted to further explore my thoughts on them without clogging up the comments with some borderline off-topic material.
The evolutionary process of D/s relationships and the changes that occur in both Domme and sub over time is a topic of great interest to me. It is always interesting to see the trends that arise and what options couples use to keep things interesting.
The topic that has most recently been on my mind is whether it is possible to recapture the exhilarating charge of early contact and fledgling D/s relationships that are still in their formative phase. I believe this is something that is possible for a Domme that enjoys the courting/training process. I do not think it is quite as possible for a veteran sub to feel this on the same level. I think the key to these situations has to do with the frame of reference.
An experience Domme already has a good idea of what she likes and dislikes, what she will enjoy and what she will expect from a sub. If she enjoys the training process, she can derive great pleasure from shaping a novice sub into the form that she wishes. During this process, she stays who she is while the sub undergoes a complete transformation. If it is the process that brings her pleasure, this experience can be repeated with a new sub.
However, once a novice sub has been trained, he is now a veteran. He will have developed things he likes and dislikes about the lifestyle. There will be activities that bring him pleasure and activities that bring him pain. He will develop an idea of his role and what is (or will be) expected of him. Once this happens, I do not think it is really possible to wipe the slate clean again. If he enters into a new relationship with a different Domme there may be the initial exhilaration and fear of the courting process and undergoing her training but certain things that have been etched into his psyche are likely to remain. When the initial getting to know you process wears off, it is common to compare his previous experiences to the ones he is currently having. e.g. a sub who previously served a Domme that was a firm believer in chastity devices may feel a bit off if he serves a different Domme that believes in the honor system, especially if chastity served as a strongly intimate bond between the sub and his previous Domme.
Within a relationship, I believe it is possible to keep refreshing the excitement by shaking the sub out of his comfort zone soon after he has acclimated to it. This puts an enormous load on the Domme. The early stages of a D/s relationship are terrifying for a sub. They need to prove themselves worthy: capable as a sub, interesting as a person, and able to connect with the Domme in a meaningful and positive way. There is a great deal of fear because of the risk is so great: your greatest fear is rejection. If a sub is accepted by a Domme, he reaches his first comfort zone but the first shake up often follows immediately. Rules and conduct get tightened down, punishment regimens begin, and so on. The sub learns her expectations and adapts himself to meet them. At some point, he will err less and less and the subsequent need for punishment diminishes as well. This is the second comfort zone. Many D/s relationships can stay happy for a long time in this state but as both Domme and sub change over time, it is common to see the parameters of the relationship change at this point as well. Additional rules, stricter punishments, and experimentation with new activities can all serve to remove a sub from his comfort zone, restore fear, and force him to adapt himself even further. I believe the majority of the more extreme lifestyle activities come about in this way and I do think this is the closest a veteran sub can get to experiencing the same terrifying exhilaration as he does when entering a lifestyle relationship for the firs time.
I do believe in a relationship founded on trust and love that things inevitably work themselves out in this way.
The evolutionary process of D/s relationships and the changes that occur in both Domme and sub over time is a topic of great interest to me. It is always interesting to see the trends that arise and what options couples use to keep things interesting.
The topic that has most recently been on my mind is whether it is possible to recapture the exhilarating charge of early contact and fledgling D/s relationships that are still in their formative phase. I believe this is something that is possible for a Domme that enjoys the courting/training process. I do not think it is quite as possible for a veteran sub to feel this on the same level. I think the key to these situations has to do with the frame of reference.
An experience Domme already has a good idea of what she likes and dislikes, what she will enjoy and what she will expect from a sub. If she enjoys the training process, she can derive great pleasure from shaping a novice sub into the form that she wishes. During this process, she stays who she is while the sub undergoes a complete transformation. If it is the process that brings her pleasure, this experience can be repeated with a new sub.
However, once a novice sub has been trained, he is now a veteran. He will have developed things he likes and dislikes about the lifestyle. There will be activities that bring him pleasure and activities that bring him pain. He will develop an idea of his role and what is (or will be) expected of him. Once this happens, I do not think it is really possible to wipe the slate clean again. If he enters into a new relationship with a different Domme there may be the initial exhilaration and fear of the courting process and undergoing her training but certain things that have been etched into his psyche are likely to remain. When the initial getting to know you process wears off, it is common to compare his previous experiences to the ones he is currently having. e.g. a sub who previously served a Domme that was a firm believer in chastity devices may feel a bit off if he serves a different Domme that believes in the honor system, especially if chastity served as a strongly intimate bond between the sub and his previous Domme.
Within a relationship, I believe it is possible to keep refreshing the excitement by shaking the sub out of his comfort zone soon after he has acclimated to it. This puts an enormous load on the Domme. The early stages of a D/s relationship are terrifying for a sub. They need to prove themselves worthy: capable as a sub, interesting as a person, and able to connect with the Domme in a meaningful and positive way. There is a great deal of fear because of the risk is so great: your greatest fear is rejection. If a sub is accepted by a Domme, he reaches his first comfort zone but the first shake up often follows immediately. Rules and conduct get tightened down, punishment regimens begin, and so on. The sub learns her expectations and adapts himself to meet them. At some point, he will err less and less and the subsequent need for punishment diminishes as well. This is the second comfort zone. Many D/s relationships can stay happy for a long time in this state but as both Domme and sub change over time, it is common to see the parameters of the relationship change at this point as well. Additional rules, stricter punishments, and experimentation with new activities can all serve to remove a sub from his comfort zone, restore fear, and force him to adapt himself even further. I believe the majority of the more extreme lifestyle activities come about in this way and I do think this is the closest a veteran sub can get to experiencing the same terrifying exhilaration as he does when entering a lifestyle relationship for the firs time.
I do believe in a relationship founded on trust and love that things inevitably work themselves out in this way.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Current reflections upon my submission
For all intents and purposes, I am a broken man.
Capable but helpless. Potential for greatness bogged down by a life of
shattered self-esteem, abuse, and failed expectations. Adequate but
inadequate: able to make someone happy but not attractive enough to be
chosen.
I am good at almost everything I set out to do. I have experienced success academically and athletically, but this has never brought me happiness. Life didn't always feel this way but I can see now the path that led to this road.
At my core, I feel unworthy of love. Being given up at birth and adopted into an unloving family were the start. It was at a young age where I discovered I had to earn affection. I had to succeed, to be the best at what I was doing. This is what was expected of me. Falling short of that goal resulted in passive-aggressive attacks and later on, outright physical abuse. My sense of worth became precariously balanced on the head of a pin: when successful, things stayed together. In failure, the whole world toppled down. Expectations were never voiced, there were only reactions to the end results. Little league, school, etc., this bled into all facets of life.
Eventually I became so terrified of failure that any change to my life became a source of high anxiety. When I faltered I would punish myself internally, knowing the reactions would be negative. When said reactions manifested themselves, the pain would compound upon itself. After nearly a decade of this I found myself depressed, suicidal, and scared of life. A brief foray into drug and alcohol addiction helped me medicate through my high school years.
Upon reaching adulthood I was still scared and felt unloved and unwanted. I developed a means of coping through writing and philosophizing about idealized concepts of life and love. The notion of unconditional love was one that I often dreamed about. In my experiences, receiving love was always conditional. Love had to be earned. It was not something I deserved unless I proved myself deserving by meeting or exceeding expectations placed upon me. In turn, I wanted to love unconditionally. To give myself wholly to the one that I loved and be embraced for it. This seemed natural and in some ways, it was the trade off for someone like me: I had to love and devote myself with all my being in order to deserve to be loved in return.
The vanilla dating world for young adults is not a kind one. Unless you are physically attractive, successful, or brimming with confidence, your other qualities that deserve merit are easily overlooked. The mind games and posturing often rival those of my youth. Guessing her expectations, being passive aggressively punished if I fail to meet them, dealing with being pushed away after disagreements and the like. The idea that someone could love me unconditionally continued on as merely a dream.
I started to think it would be easier if a woman was more demanding. If she made her expectations clear and eliminated the guessing game. If she got mad she could channel her anger directly and we could then make things right.
Around this time I met my first Mistress. Before our relationship started she was the one that spotted me as being well-suited for submission and everything sort of fell into place after that.
I know this sort of paints a one-dimensional picture of myself. I have a wide variety of interests and hobbies. I delve deep into what I enjoy and try to share things with others that I believe they will enjoy too. Over the years I have experienced success in a lot of ways: being on sports teams that finished top 5 in the state, performing music in front of large audiences, graduating valedictorian and magna cum laude. I know why I downplay these things so much when representing myself. First, they have never made me happy on their own. Second, they have never felt like true accomplishments, they have merely felt like I met the bare minimum of expectations that were placed upon me. Is it odd that I crave to be acknowledged but hate compliments?
With these things in mind, submission has become something completely natural. To meet every expectation and demand with the entirety of my being merely to be accepted. To constantly feel I must earn her love with everything I do. To feel wretched when I let her down and normal when I succeed. To accept anything she may throw my way and love her unconditionally. To be my best at all times for her and to make her happy.
I no longer have dreams of my own. My dream is to support her dream and help make it come true.
This is what feels natural to me. Therapists have told me this is wrong. The women I have loved have loved this about me. I have accepted this is who I am but sometimes wonder if I should change.
I am good at almost everything I set out to do. I have experienced success academically and athletically, but this has never brought me happiness. Life didn't always feel this way but I can see now the path that led to this road.
At my core, I feel unworthy of love. Being given up at birth and adopted into an unloving family were the start. It was at a young age where I discovered I had to earn affection. I had to succeed, to be the best at what I was doing. This is what was expected of me. Falling short of that goal resulted in passive-aggressive attacks and later on, outright physical abuse. My sense of worth became precariously balanced on the head of a pin: when successful, things stayed together. In failure, the whole world toppled down. Expectations were never voiced, there were only reactions to the end results. Little league, school, etc., this bled into all facets of life.
Eventually I became so terrified of failure that any change to my life became a source of high anxiety. When I faltered I would punish myself internally, knowing the reactions would be negative. When said reactions manifested themselves, the pain would compound upon itself. After nearly a decade of this I found myself depressed, suicidal, and scared of life. A brief foray into drug and alcohol addiction helped me medicate through my high school years.
Upon reaching adulthood I was still scared and felt unloved and unwanted. I developed a means of coping through writing and philosophizing about idealized concepts of life and love. The notion of unconditional love was one that I often dreamed about. In my experiences, receiving love was always conditional. Love had to be earned. It was not something I deserved unless I proved myself deserving by meeting or exceeding expectations placed upon me. In turn, I wanted to love unconditionally. To give myself wholly to the one that I loved and be embraced for it. This seemed natural and in some ways, it was the trade off for someone like me: I had to love and devote myself with all my being in order to deserve to be loved in return.
The vanilla dating world for young adults is not a kind one. Unless you are physically attractive, successful, or brimming with confidence, your other qualities that deserve merit are easily overlooked. The mind games and posturing often rival those of my youth. Guessing her expectations, being passive aggressively punished if I fail to meet them, dealing with being pushed away after disagreements and the like. The idea that someone could love me unconditionally continued on as merely a dream.
I started to think it would be easier if a woman was more demanding. If she made her expectations clear and eliminated the guessing game. If she got mad she could channel her anger directly and we could then make things right.
Around this time I met my first Mistress. Before our relationship started she was the one that spotted me as being well-suited for submission and everything sort of fell into place after that.
I know this sort of paints a one-dimensional picture of myself. I have a wide variety of interests and hobbies. I delve deep into what I enjoy and try to share things with others that I believe they will enjoy too. Over the years I have experienced success in a lot of ways: being on sports teams that finished top 5 in the state, performing music in front of large audiences, graduating valedictorian and magna cum laude. I know why I downplay these things so much when representing myself. First, they have never made me happy on their own. Second, they have never felt like true accomplishments, they have merely felt like I met the bare minimum of expectations that were placed upon me. Is it odd that I crave to be acknowledged but hate compliments?
With these things in mind, submission has become something completely natural. To meet every expectation and demand with the entirety of my being merely to be accepted. To constantly feel I must earn her love with everything I do. To feel wretched when I let her down and normal when I succeed. To accept anything she may throw my way and love her unconditionally. To be my best at all times for her and to make her happy.
I no longer have dreams of my own. My dream is to support her dream and help make it come true.
This is what feels natural to me. Therapists have told me this is wrong. The women I have loved have loved this about me. I have accepted this is who I am but sometimes wonder if I should change.
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Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Ramifications of trained obsolesence
Lady Grey's most recent posts at http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/ have gotten me thinking a bit more about the progressive escalation of D/s over time (I have blogged on this a few times over the years). Something became readily apparent to me tonight in regards to my own submissive desires and how they have evolved over the years.
I train rather easily in the D/s lifestyle. I have a good memory, high attention to detail, and can be reasonably intelligent at times. This has been one of my submissive strengths over the years but it has also had major drawbacks. If you as a sub are able to follow rules and instructions to the T, you don't give a Domme a reason to punish you. If your D/s relationship is based around sensual interaction for good behavior and physical punishment for bad behavior, a Domme that enjoys inflicting pain upon the sub is faced with the choice of denying herself something that gives her pleasure or punishing and attempting to justify the choice. With newer Dommes, choosing the latter can lead to guilt and that guilt may reduce her pleasure in the moment or lead to negative feelings in its aftermath. Being that I am not a masochist, a Domme can struggle with the "because I can" or "as a reminder of your place" reasoning behind punishment.
As much as I dislike pain, as a submissive I crave the fear and exhilaration of intense D/s interaction, even if it involves pain. By being mistake free in service (or as close as possible to this), I inherently reduce the intensity level of the relationship (often hurting the desires of both Domme and sub). I frown upon subs that act out or misbehave merely to get attention. I think this type of behavior is childish, selfish, and out of focus. So where does a sub go from there?
I think the answer to that question can be seen in my own fantasies of deeply sadistic Dommes.
Some examples:
-A Domme that will enjoy punishing after perfect service because she enjoys the additional mental anguish a sub goes through when he doesn't deserve it.
-A Domme that will ensure a sub will make mistakes or cannot serve perfectly and punish him for failing while taking pleasure in his added suffering from knowing he cannot succeed, e.g. being ordered to dust on top of tall shelves with your hands locked behind your back.
-A Domme that believes perfect obedience is to be expected and should not be rewarded.
This type of situation is unpredictable and frightening. It can also lead to a deeper level of subspace where you surrender to the situation.
From a more realistic perspective, this most likely would be rather dangerous and fall into the "be careful what you wish for" category unless there is a strong and loving bond between Domme and sub. That being said, I'm not sure if this desires is a strength or a weakness: the willingness to lovingly submit and endure through it all vs. my D/s relationships will eventually evolve to where I crave this, regardless of her wishes.
The D/s has been absent for a while now in my relationship and I feel like it's driving me crazy.
I train rather easily in the D/s lifestyle. I have a good memory, high attention to detail, and can be reasonably intelligent at times. This has been one of my submissive strengths over the years but it has also had major drawbacks. If you as a sub are able to follow rules and instructions to the T, you don't give a Domme a reason to punish you. If your D/s relationship is based around sensual interaction for good behavior and physical punishment for bad behavior, a Domme that enjoys inflicting pain upon the sub is faced with the choice of denying herself something that gives her pleasure or punishing and attempting to justify the choice. With newer Dommes, choosing the latter can lead to guilt and that guilt may reduce her pleasure in the moment or lead to negative feelings in its aftermath. Being that I am not a masochist, a Domme can struggle with the "because I can" or "as a reminder of your place" reasoning behind punishment.
As much as I dislike pain, as a submissive I crave the fear and exhilaration of intense D/s interaction, even if it involves pain. By being mistake free in service (or as close as possible to this), I inherently reduce the intensity level of the relationship (often hurting the desires of both Domme and sub). I frown upon subs that act out or misbehave merely to get attention. I think this type of behavior is childish, selfish, and out of focus. So where does a sub go from there?
I think the answer to that question can be seen in my own fantasies of deeply sadistic Dommes.
Some examples:
-A Domme that will enjoy punishing after perfect service because she enjoys the additional mental anguish a sub goes through when he doesn't deserve it.
-A Domme that will ensure a sub will make mistakes or cannot serve perfectly and punish him for failing while taking pleasure in his added suffering from knowing he cannot succeed, e.g. being ordered to dust on top of tall shelves with your hands locked behind your back.
-A Domme that believes perfect obedience is to be expected and should not be rewarded.
This type of situation is unpredictable and frightening. It can also lead to a deeper level of subspace where you surrender to the situation.
From a more realistic perspective, this most likely would be rather dangerous and fall into the "be careful what you wish for" category unless there is a strong and loving bond between Domme and sub. That being said, I'm not sure if this desires is a strength or a weakness: the willingness to lovingly submit and endure through it all vs. my D/s relationships will eventually evolve to where I crave this, regardless of her wishes.
The D/s has been absent for a while now in my relationship and I feel like it's driving me crazy.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Drawings
I really want to get back to drawing. The truth is, I want to draw better than I am able to at this point in time. I have been working on some new techniques for drawing/coloring but the improvement is very slow and very gradual. Having no art background really hurts me here. It's a bit frustrating as growing up I was not allowed a lot of freedoms to take classes in things that I did not display a talent for (aka I couldn't risk my GPA with art classes).
I do plan to do more drawing. There's two things I have been working on that need significant improvement:
1. I need to understand the balance of detail/realism. I'm trying to draw fantasies. If the characters look more like a comic or cartoon, that probably isn't a bad thing. Learning what details/parts should be drawn and which parts should be omitted is something I need to figure out. Being stuck in the tweener state I was in before isn't something I wish to return to.
2. I just don't understand coloring/shading/lighting on a fundamental level. I think this is the part that aggravates me the most as it not only requires a deeper understanding of art in general but also a significant amount of understanding programs used for illustration.
Hopefully at some point I'll actually do what I need to do to truly improve and not just wish it would happen.
I do plan to do more drawing. There's two things I have been working on that need significant improvement:
1. I need to understand the balance of detail/realism. I'm trying to draw fantasies. If the characters look more like a comic or cartoon, that probably isn't a bad thing. Learning what details/parts should be drawn and which parts should be omitted is something I need to figure out. Being stuck in the tweener state I was in before isn't something I wish to return to.
2. I just don't understand coloring/shading/lighting on a fundamental level. I think this is the part that aggravates me the most as it not only requires a deeper understanding of art in general but also a significant amount of understanding programs used for illustration.
Hopefully at some point I'll actually do what I need to do to truly improve and not just wish it would happen.
Disturbing the submissive balance of Giver vs. Receiver
Before I took my hiatus I had written a bit about D/s relationships and balancing roles of giver and receiver for a successful relationship.
To briefly summarize:
A Domme has a balance of her enjoyment of giving (G) and receiving (R).
A Domme that predominantly enjoys doing things to her sub will lean more heavily towards G.
A Domme that predominantly enjoys having things done to/for her by her sub will lean more heavily towards R.
The balance can be displayed numerically in some examples:
50G/50R - A Domme that enjoys giving and receiving equally.
90G/10R - A Domme that strongly enjoys doing things to her sub and mildly enjoys having the sub do things for her.
33G/67R - A Domme that moderately enjoys doing things to her sub but more strongly enjoys having her sub do things for her.
A sub has a similar balance of giving and receiving.
A sub that predominantly enjoys doing things for/to his Mistress would lean more heavily towards G.
A sub that predominantly enjoys having things done to him by his Mistress would lean more heavily towards R.
subs thus have a similar balance of G/R.
A D/s relationship is most complimentary when the ratios of G/R for each party coincide, e.g. a 30G/70R Domme with a 70G/30R sub. In these cases, the sub is less likely to annoy the Domme by trolling her for excess attention and the Domme is most likely to maximize her pleasure with a sub that will serve her to the extent that she desires.
I know this isn't a romantic way to look at things but from an objective standpoint it seems to make sense.
Something I've noticed over the years is that my own balance can change quite drastically within the moment (often to my own disappointment). Rationally, I've always prided myself as being very service-oriented and it is possible for me to stay focused upon her needs most of the time. If I had to rate myself I would probably say as a sub I am around 67G/33R as an average. There are other times where I'm feeling 95G/5R and completely focused and in a good submissive mindset when it can abruptly grind to a halt and transition to a less than appealing 1G/99R.
In hindsight, these transitions are rather shameful. The submissive pride I have towards being a strong service oriented submissive falters and leads to regret. Upon further reflection, the primary factor triggering the transition seems to be when arousal becomes stimulation. This is a very fine and very important line. I root my own arousal at my sexual connection to submissive activities but there is a threshold where stimulated arousal brings upon a sudden shift to an uncontrolled "me me me, please don't stop" type of impulse.
I know there are many Dommes that take pleasure in teasing their subs, treading the line between arousal and stimulation and twisting the result as they please. In other cases, a Domme or sub may wish for intimate contact but not want to disturb the sub's existing G/R balance. A chastity device can serve as a physical solution to this problem. I tend to more strongly enjoy the psychological aspects of D/s and wanted to seek an alternate answer rooted in the mental and emotional sides of things.
The best idea I could come up with was fear. I'm not talking about a basic "she'll get mad" type of fear, but deeply ingrained fear that shakes a sub to his core. To be successful, the fear needs to be strong enough to subconsciously override the sub's selfish sexual impulses. In this way the fear has to be somewhat on par with trauma. If the G/R balance shift is punished severely enough, future occurrences could be prevented by having the sub impulse fear when stimulation reaches a point close to their threshold. Basically, a Domme could inflict some psychological trauma upon a sub through punishment once in order to prevent it from happening again.
I'm sure there are people out there that would disagree with this method. In many cases, subs are trained to rules through simple and rational deterrents and/or rewards. E.g. a sub may have an order to clean the bathroom. If they clean it poorly they will be spanked, if they clean it well, they will be rewarded with approval or beyond. The sub can decide for themselves based on the pros and cons of the choices at hand.
However, the G/R balance shift is not a rational behavioral choice. I do not choose to turn into something I do not wish to be as a result of stimulation. It is not a behavior I am proud of nor do I have control over it. If a sub wishes to rid themselves of it and their Domme holds the same desire, would it be wrong for them to undertake extreme measures? While the idea of consensual trauma may seem strange, does that make it undesirable?
I know in some ways I probably try to romanticize the role of submissive too strongly in my head. As the years go by my fantasies grow ever darker and more extreme in order to continually evolve my idea of the ideal submissive. In most cases fantasy becomes less of what I might physically enjoy but more of the way I think it should be in a perfect D/s world. I know deep down that I long to love and adore my Mistress but to be terrified of her as well.
To briefly summarize:
A Domme has a balance of her enjoyment of giving (G) and receiving (R).
A Domme that predominantly enjoys doing things to her sub will lean more heavily towards G.
A Domme that predominantly enjoys having things done to/for her by her sub will lean more heavily towards R.
The balance can be displayed numerically in some examples:
50G/50R - A Domme that enjoys giving and receiving equally.
90G/10R - A Domme that strongly enjoys doing things to her sub and mildly enjoys having the sub do things for her.
33G/67R - A Domme that moderately enjoys doing things to her sub but more strongly enjoys having her sub do things for her.
A sub has a similar balance of giving and receiving.
A sub that predominantly enjoys doing things for/to his Mistress would lean more heavily towards G.
A sub that predominantly enjoys having things done to him by his Mistress would lean more heavily towards R.
subs thus have a similar balance of G/R.
A D/s relationship is most complimentary when the ratios of G/R for each party coincide, e.g. a 30G/70R Domme with a 70G/30R sub. In these cases, the sub is less likely to annoy the Domme by trolling her for excess attention and the Domme is most likely to maximize her pleasure with a sub that will serve her to the extent that she desires.
I know this isn't a romantic way to look at things but from an objective standpoint it seems to make sense.
Something I've noticed over the years is that my own balance can change quite drastically within the moment (often to my own disappointment). Rationally, I've always prided myself as being very service-oriented and it is possible for me to stay focused upon her needs most of the time. If I had to rate myself I would probably say as a sub I am around 67G/33R as an average. There are other times where I'm feeling 95G/5R and completely focused and in a good submissive mindset when it can abruptly grind to a halt and transition to a less than appealing 1G/99R.
In hindsight, these transitions are rather shameful. The submissive pride I have towards being a strong service oriented submissive falters and leads to regret. Upon further reflection, the primary factor triggering the transition seems to be when arousal becomes stimulation. This is a very fine and very important line. I root my own arousal at my sexual connection to submissive activities but there is a threshold where stimulated arousal brings upon a sudden shift to an uncontrolled "me me me, please don't stop" type of impulse.
I know there are many Dommes that take pleasure in teasing their subs, treading the line between arousal and stimulation and twisting the result as they please. In other cases, a Domme or sub may wish for intimate contact but not want to disturb the sub's existing G/R balance. A chastity device can serve as a physical solution to this problem. I tend to more strongly enjoy the psychological aspects of D/s and wanted to seek an alternate answer rooted in the mental and emotional sides of things.
The best idea I could come up with was fear. I'm not talking about a basic "she'll get mad" type of fear, but deeply ingrained fear that shakes a sub to his core. To be successful, the fear needs to be strong enough to subconsciously override the sub's selfish sexual impulses. In this way the fear has to be somewhat on par with trauma. If the G/R balance shift is punished severely enough, future occurrences could be prevented by having the sub impulse fear when stimulation reaches a point close to their threshold. Basically, a Domme could inflict some psychological trauma upon a sub through punishment once in order to prevent it from happening again.
I'm sure there are people out there that would disagree with this method. In many cases, subs are trained to rules through simple and rational deterrents and/or rewards. E.g. a sub may have an order to clean the bathroom. If they clean it poorly they will be spanked, if they clean it well, they will be rewarded with approval or beyond. The sub can decide for themselves based on the pros and cons of the choices at hand.
However, the G/R balance shift is not a rational behavioral choice. I do not choose to turn into something I do not wish to be as a result of stimulation. It is not a behavior I am proud of nor do I have control over it. If a sub wishes to rid themselves of it and their Domme holds the same desire, would it be wrong for them to undertake extreme measures? While the idea of consensual trauma may seem strange, does that make it undesirable?
I know in some ways I probably try to romanticize the role of submissive too strongly in my head. As the years go by my fantasies grow ever darker and more extreme in order to continually evolve my idea of the ideal submissive. In most cases fantasy becomes less of what I might physically enjoy but more of the way I think it should be in a perfect D/s world. I know deep down that I long to love and adore my Mistress but to be terrified of her as well.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Checking in
It's been a long time...
I took an extended break after realizing I had fallen into an unpleasant mindspace. Being trapped juggling life and my internet persona took a rather large toll on me and I found myself getting too high strung and depressed so I pretty much abandoned my fetish-related social networking cold turkey. I think the death of a fellow blogger from a blogging couple that Ms and I had befriended in the real world affected me more than I knew at the time. I'm no stranger to losing people but I'm not good at dealing with it either.
I don't know how often I will post but I wanted to let the people I have been in contact here that I am around and haven't forgotten.
I hope everyone is doing well.
I took an extended break after realizing I had fallen into an unpleasant mindspace. Being trapped juggling life and my internet persona took a rather large toll on me and I found myself getting too high strung and depressed so I pretty much abandoned my fetish-related social networking cold turkey. I think the death of a fellow blogger from a blogging couple that Ms and I had befriended in the real world affected me more than I knew at the time. I'm no stranger to losing people but I'm not good at dealing with it either.
I don't know how often I will post but I wanted to let the people I have been in contact here that I am around and haven't forgotten.
I hope everyone is doing well.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Thinking about "no"
I think part of why I tend to view D/s so differently than those who came in through the BDSM community ranks is that I'm not a big fan of being able to say no. This stems heavily from a belief in meta-consent but also how my subspace responds in power exchange.
If a Domme orders you to do something and you can simply decline if it's something you don't like doing, this just doesn't sit right with me. I tend to view from the standpoint of options:
1. You say yes.
2a. You say no but end up doing it anyway after some "encouragement."
2b. You say no and end up doing something much worse than saying yes.
If Pavlovian conditioning exists, it doesn't take long for the sub to understand that "yes" is really the only good option.
That to me is the essence of power exchange. It doesn't seem like D/s if you are only told to do things that you enjoy. It doesn't seem like D/s if you can easily escape doing something you do not enjoy. I view power as the ability to make someone do something they do not want to do. By giving up power via power exchange you have given a Domme the right to make you do whatever she wants you to do (within reasonable boundaries).
I think this is why my subspace responds so strongly to being forced to do some things. It thrives when "no" isn't a good option and makes the best of the situation.
Don't get me wrong, I think honesty and open communication are part of a healthy relationship, but when she has complete information and still chooses to wield this power it is very erotic.
If a Domme orders you to do something and you can simply decline if it's something you don't like doing, this just doesn't sit right with me. I tend to view from the standpoint of options:
1. You say yes.
2a. You say no but end up doing it anyway after some "encouragement."
2b. You say no and end up doing something much worse than saying yes.
If Pavlovian conditioning exists, it doesn't take long for the sub to understand that "yes" is really the only good option.
That to me is the essence of power exchange. It doesn't seem like D/s if you are only told to do things that you enjoy. It doesn't seem like D/s if you can easily escape doing something you do not enjoy. I view power as the ability to make someone do something they do not want to do. By giving up power via power exchange you have given a Domme the right to make you do whatever she wants you to do (within reasonable boundaries).
I think this is why my subspace responds so strongly to being forced to do some things. It thrives when "no" isn't a good option and makes the best of the situation.
Don't get me wrong, I think honesty and open communication are part of a healthy relationship, but when she has complete information and still chooses to wield this power it is very erotic.
Pondering "what if?"
Last night I started thinking about the path that my life has followed through D/s and it got me wondering whether or not it would have progressed in a similar way if my early Femdom experiences had been less intense and/or of a shorter duration.
I have known enough Femdom couples to where I think that my beliefs on the progressive escalation of D/s intensity over time are probably true. I also know that there are tendencies for one or both parties to hit plateaus that may provide plenty of happiness for long periods of time.
I guess I'm just curious if it would have delayed my desires for ultra-high intensity or if it would have played out nearly the same. I know it's impossible to tell for sure but that doesn't mean I can't dabble in the hypotheticals.
I have known enough Femdom couples to where I think that my beliefs on the progressive escalation of D/s intensity over time are probably true. I also know that there are tendencies for one or both parties to hit plateaus that may provide plenty of happiness for long periods of time.
I guess I'm just curious if it would have delayed my desires for ultra-high intensity or if it would have played out nearly the same. I know it's impossible to tell for sure but that doesn't mean I can't dabble in the hypotheticals.
Yahoo ping box go buh bye
I just caught that yahoo is discontinuing their ping box as of 12/14/12 and we're supposed to delete it before you can't delete it anymore or something.
I will miss being able to chat with people even if it is anonymous.
If you have any questions for me you can reach me through comments or my email address in my profile.
I will miss being able to chat with people even if it is anonymous.
If you have any questions for me you can reach me through comments or my email address in my profile.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Redefining myself
It's hard to describe just what a difference I have felt emotionally since writing my post on the deep submissive. It has completely changed the way I view myself and has made sense of much of the chaos that has cluttered my psyche for the past several years.
If you have read a decent number of my blog entries you'll find that I've never really been comfortable with being a sissy or being turned on by humiliation, etc. By developing the idea of the deep submissive, everything really makes sense now. Lady Grey was kind enough to provide the term "phantom fetish effect" for this and I think it describes it well. The phantom fetish effect is basically when a sub gets turned on by the environment, symbolism, or atmosphere of an activity rather than by the activity itself. An easy example is a sub that is not a masochist that gets turned on by being spanked not because of the pain but due to the intimacy, vulnerability, power exchange, and so on.
I finally feel like my sexual connection to forced feminization makes sense. It is sort of like my "submissive uniform" and the more humiliating it is, the greater my sense of surrender, the deeper the subspace, and the stronger the arousal as it feeds the submissive loop.
I do feel a small sense of loss though, it seems by understanding it, some of the sting and stigma have faded from my psyche. It's probably healthier this way but the sense of vulnerability that someone "knows my secret" is a bit less frightening now that I have rationalized it. Basically, I think I was scared to call myself a sissy and I feel I have found the answer explaining that I am really not. I have never aspired to be a woman, I don't have a feminine side, I find the idea of forced bi repulsing, and it just doesn't appeal to me beyond its psychological effects.
On the flip side, my sexual connection to it has not gone away, I just feel less burdened now that I understand it and can explain it. That being said, I'm sure I could still be teased about it and feel shame, but the turmoil is gone.
If I had to call myself something now, it would probably be a deep submissive.
If you have read a decent number of my blog entries you'll find that I've never really been comfortable with being a sissy or being turned on by humiliation, etc. By developing the idea of the deep submissive, everything really makes sense now. Lady Grey was kind enough to provide the term "phantom fetish effect" for this and I think it describes it well. The phantom fetish effect is basically when a sub gets turned on by the environment, symbolism, or atmosphere of an activity rather than by the activity itself. An easy example is a sub that is not a masochist that gets turned on by being spanked not because of the pain but due to the intimacy, vulnerability, power exchange, and so on.
I finally feel like my sexual connection to forced feminization makes sense. It is sort of like my "submissive uniform" and the more humiliating it is, the greater my sense of surrender, the deeper the subspace, and the stronger the arousal as it feeds the submissive loop.
I do feel a small sense of loss though, it seems by understanding it, some of the sting and stigma have faded from my psyche. It's probably healthier this way but the sense of vulnerability that someone "knows my secret" is a bit less frightening now that I have rationalized it. Basically, I think I was scared to call myself a sissy and I feel I have found the answer explaining that I am really not. I have never aspired to be a woman, I don't have a feminine side, I find the idea of forced bi repulsing, and it just doesn't appeal to me beyond its psychological effects.
On the flip side, my sexual connection to it has not gone away, I just feel less burdened now that I understand it and can explain it. That being said, I'm sure I could still be teased about it and feel shame, but the turmoil is gone.
If I had to call myself something now, it would probably be a deep submissive.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Nature, Nurture, and submission
There is often the debate in D/s about nature vs. nurture. Are people
born submissive or dominant, or does their environment make them that
way?
I tend to be a believer that it is a little of both. I think a person's personality has a somewhat natural disposition but the environment they develop in has a lot to do with what they eventually become. Basically, their natural disposition affects how they react to and learn from the situations they face in their life. Sink or swim, fight or flight, the natural instinct is there but we do not always follow our instinct and we can learn to act contrarily to it.
The submissive male is an interesting case. I believe that most males develop in an environment that is motivated more by shame than by praise. "Don't be a pussy," "Tough it out," etc. We are taught we need to validate ourselves as part of the peer group in order to thrive and the fear of being seen as lesser can be strong enough to make many men behave outside of their nature.
I think this leads most men to form a divide between their public and private personas. Our public side blends in. It can run with the pack, succeed in our activities (work, sport, etc.), and provides a shield from potential attacks from other males. I also believe our public persona is the birth of our fears of inadequacy, failure, and rejection.
Our private side can be seen as the "true you," but I think it extends beyond our nature. While it may be who we are when we are outside of the influence of peers, it will also reflect our ability to cope with the fears caused by experiences as our public self.
When you see a guy acting crass and making sexist remarks when he's with the guys but then being incredibly tender and sweet with his girlfriend in a more intimate setting, this is a pretty stereotypical example of the two selves he has created.
Submission in general is strongly rooted in our private persona. I think submissive men have a great deal of variance between them since some have a natural disposition towards submission while others can still learn to be submissive (even if it is not their choice). Splitting them up I can see a couple of distinct paths:
1. The "natural" submissive.
2. The "abused" submissive.
3. The "escapist" submissive.
The natural submissive trends towards submission. Life may often be difficult for them since they are faced early on with the choice to be preyed upon by others or to create a public persona that disguises their true nature. They naturally follow the stronger's lead but may struggle to assert themselves when choice is handed to them.
The abused submissive has been taught to be submissive. They often have a very strong public persona to cover up the emotional damage buried beneath it. Their private persona is forced to deal with crippled self-esteem and self-confidence as a result of long-term abuse. These types look for validation and approval through submission.
The escapist submissive is generally a naturally disposed dominant. Their public persona is strong but years of dealing with the fears created by that persona create a need for escape from it. This may often relate to feelings towards their mother and how she could make them feel safe and protected from the big and nasty world. They submit to take a break from their every day responsibilities their public persona has created for them.
Are any one of these more likely to be a certain type of submissive than the others? I think the answer is probably yes but it's impossible to say for sure without having details of a specific case.
If I had to guess, I would wager that natural submissives are more likely to thrive in service-oriented roles and as bottoms sexually. They probably pose the greatest "doormat" risk if they are lacking in the personality department. In relationships they will thrive the best with an alpha female and he will do very well in a supporting role.
I believe that abused submissives are the most likely to deeply love their Dominant since they provide them with validation. They are capable of most submissive roles but also pose a doormat risk since they can usually "roll with" abuse since they are accustomed to it. These subs may be difficult in relationships since they often carry mounds of baggage but they can also be some of the most loving and affectionate types if they feel safe and cared for.
I think that escapist submissives are more likely to be bottoms in play and some sex. I do think they are capable of lifestyle submission if their public persona is so stressful that they wish to "shut it off" any time they are not in public (but this is more likely an exception than the rule). These types are most likely to have relationships that appear to be mostly vanilla from the outset and he is the most likely to be able to provide a fun night on the town.
Again, these are just guesses but they seem reasonable to me. Any comments/feedback are welcome.
I tend to be a believer that it is a little of both. I think a person's personality has a somewhat natural disposition but the environment they develop in has a lot to do with what they eventually become. Basically, their natural disposition affects how they react to and learn from the situations they face in their life. Sink or swim, fight or flight, the natural instinct is there but we do not always follow our instinct and we can learn to act contrarily to it.
The submissive male is an interesting case. I believe that most males develop in an environment that is motivated more by shame than by praise. "Don't be a pussy," "Tough it out," etc. We are taught we need to validate ourselves as part of the peer group in order to thrive and the fear of being seen as lesser can be strong enough to make many men behave outside of their nature.
I think this leads most men to form a divide between their public and private personas. Our public side blends in. It can run with the pack, succeed in our activities (work, sport, etc.), and provides a shield from potential attacks from other males. I also believe our public persona is the birth of our fears of inadequacy, failure, and rejection.
Our private side can be seen as the "true you," but I think it extends beyond our nature. While it may be who we are when we are outside of the influence of peers, it will also reflect our ability to cope with the fears caused by experiences as our public self.
When you see a guy acting crass and making sexist remarks when he's with the guys but then being incredibly tender and sweet with his girlfriend in a more intimate setting, this is a pretty stereotypical example of the two selves he has created.
Submission in general is strongly rooted in our private persona. I think submissive men have a great deal of variance between them since some have a natural disposition towards submission while others can still learn to be submissive (even if it is not their choice). Splitting them up I can see a couple of distinct paths:
1. The "natural" submissive.
2. The "abused" submissive.
3. The "escapist" submissive.
The natural submissive trends towards submission. Life may often be difficult for them since they are faced early on with the choice to be preyed upon by others or to create a public persona that disguises their true nature. They naturally follow the stronger's lead but may struggle to assert themselves when choice is handed to them.
The abused submissive has been taught to be submissive. They often have a very strong public persona to cover up the emotional damage buried beneath it. Their private persona is forced to deal with crippled self-esteem and self-confidence as a result of long-term abuse. These types look for validation and approval through submission.
The escapist submissive is generally a naturally disposed dominant. Their public persona is strong but years of dealing with the fears created by that persona create a need for escape from it. This may often relate to feelings towards their mother and how she could make them feel safe and protected from the big and nasty world. They submit to take a break from their every day responsibilities their public persona has created for them.
Are any one of these more likely to be a certain type of submissive than the others? I think the answer is probably yes but it's impossible to say for sure without having details of a specific case.
If I had to guess, I would wager that natural submissives are more likely to thrive in service-oriented roles and as bottoms sexually. They probably pose the greatest "doormat" risk if they are lacking in the personality department. In relationships they will thrive the best with an alpha female and he will do very well in a supporting role.
I believe that abused submissives are the most likely to deeply love their Dominant since they provide them with validation. They are capable of most submissive roles but also pose a doormat risk since they can usually "roll with" abuse since they are accustomed to it. These subs may be difficult in relationships since they often carry mounds of baggage but they can also be some of the most loving and affectionate types if they feel safe and cared for.
I think that escapist submissives are more likely to be bottoms in play and some sex. I do think they are capable of lifestyle submission if their public persona is so stressful that they wish to "shut it off" any time they are not in public (but this is more likely an exception than the rule). These types are most likely to have relationships that appear to be mostly vanilla from the outset and he is the most likely to be able to provide a fun night on the town.
Again, these are just guesses but they seem reasonable to me. Any comments/feedback are welcome.
Monday, November 26, 2012
The subspace of the deep submissive
A lot of things have become clear in my mind since I wrote my entry on the deep submissive. Actually, a lot of rather confusing feelings and responses now appear to make sense in how they are linked together into a system. This system that I plan to explore in this entry is the subspace of the deep submissive.
As I described in the earlier entry, deep submissives are often misunderstood since their subspace is difficult to understand. In most cases it's viewed simply that an erection = he enjoys it and flaccid = he doesn't enjoy it. The psyche of the deep submissive while immersed in subspace is rather complicated, as his physical enjoyment (PE), emotional fulfillment (EF), and sexual response (SR) can be detached from one another and may or may not react together depending upon the D/s environment.
When a deep submissive experiences true pleasure it means his physical enjoyment, emotional fulfillment, and sexual response are connected. Basically, this happens when it feels good, he feels good about it, and it turns him on. An easy example of this is when he has pleased his Mistress and she allows him to have sex with her.
What makes the subspace of the deep submissive more complicated is when those things do not coincide. This is mainly caused by the depth of the deep submissive's subspace. When a deep submissive is immersed in a deep subspace, his world undergoes a fundamental change. He undergoes major shifts in morality, ethics, and priority structure in his mind and these have a major effect on his EF component.
Here is a very brief and incomplete list of the rules governing a deep submissive's subspace to illustrate the idea:
The world is perfect when she gets everything she wants.
Everything that pleases her is right, everything that displeases her is wrong.
The submissive is valuable when he pleases her and worthless when he displeases her.
Pleasure is a gift granted by the Mistress.
Punishment is always justified.
The deep submissive will shift to a system of logic that reinforces the rules of his subspace. This may sometimes give the appearance of doormat behavior, but in actuality it is his submissive pride dictating an almost impossibly high standard of service (his EF): he received the honor of being chosen by her so his service must be perfect at all times to prove he was the worthy choice. Living under these rules brings a high level of shame and guilt upon any failure, and a failure is any time he wasn't perfect or she wasn't perfectly pleased by him. This is also why a deep submissive is able to thrive under extremely strict rules since they give him a level of conduct to aspire for and he feels proud when he exceeds her expectations of him.
A deep submissive can accept and adapt to any new rule as long as it makes sense within his new logic base. If she thinks his service suffers for a couple of days after an orgasm and she decides he should no longer have orgasms because of that, he may be disappointed but he will find a way to believe that is the correct course of action and is plenty fair since it will ensure he can better serve her. If she physically punishes him for even the smallest of infractions, he will believe he deserved it and willingly accept it, sometimes welcoming it since it will improve his future performance (e.g. One spanking is more effective than ten lectures) and ease his guilt over failing to serve perfectly. The sub's logic in this state can justify nearly anything that she wants to do. If she chooses to beat him out of the blue, he can accept if it is to "remind him of his place," "to keep him focused," or "prevent future transgressions."
Oddly enough, this method of coping can often ruin true pleasure since his PE and SR are met, but his EF may disconnect if he doesn't feel like he deserves it. Similarly, he may display masochistic behaviors during a punishment since his EF and SR drive his subspace when he feels like he deserves punishment even though he experiences zero (or negative) PE.
Dealing with this type of sub can be difficult for some Dommes since they sometimes do not understand the depth that his subspace reaches and how his mind works during those times. Often the crueler and less tolerant she is, the better he will feel. This is because he feels good about performing with a superb attention to detail and he knows that when he pleases her, she values having such a competent sub. It will even make him love her more since he is thankful that she is willing to bring out the best in him, even if that involves pushing him to his absolute limits. If it seems like he wishes to be denied pleasure, that is not really the case, he just only wishes to receive pleasure when he feels like he has earned it and deserves it.
Relationships of this nature may appear abusive to the outside world, but in most of the cases, the sub is sublimely happy and wouldn't trade his lifestyle for the world. This also doesn't mean he is a doormat, since if she wants to enjoy his company, he will be that, if she wants to have vanilla fun, he will be that. What it does mean is that he can be whatever she wants him to be at any given time.
As I described in the earlier entry, deep submissives are often misunderstood since their subspace is difficult to understand. In most cases it's viewed simply that an erection = he enjoys it and flaccid = he doesn't enjoy it. The psyche of the deep submissive while immersed in subspace is rather complicated, as his physical enjoyment (PE), emotional fulfillment (EF), and sexual response (SR) can be detached from one another and may or may not react together depending upon the D/s environment.
When a deep submissive experiences true pleasure it means his physical enjoyment, emotional fulfillment, and sexual response are connected. Basically, this happens when it feels good, he feels good about it, and it turns him on. An easy example of this is when he has pleased his Mistress and she allows him to have sex with her.
What makes the subspace of the deep submissive more complicated is when those things do not coincide. This is mainly caused by the depth of the deep submissive's subspace. When a deep submissive is immersed in a deep subspace, his world undergoes a fundamental change. He undergoes major shifts in morality, ethics, and priority structure in his mind and these have a major effect on his EF component.
Here is a very brief and incomplete list of the rules governing a deep submissive's subspace to illustrate the idea:
The world is perfect when she gets everything she wants.
Everything that pleases her is right, everything that displeases her is wrong.
The submissive is valuable when he pleases her and worthless when he displeases her.
Pleasure is a gift granted by the Mistress.
Punishment is always justified.
The deep submissive will shift to a system of logic that reinforces the rules of his subspace. This may sometimes give the appearance of doormat behavior, but in actuality it is his submissive pride dictating an almost impossibly high standard of service (his EF): he received the honor of being chosen by her so his service must be perfect at all times to prove he was the worthy choice. Living under these rules brings a high level of shame and guilt upon any failure, and a failure is any time he wasn't perfect or she wasn't perfectly pleased by him. This is also why a deep submissive is able to thrive under extremely strict rules since they give him a level of conduct to aspire for and he feels proud when he exceeds her expectations of him.
A deep submissive can accept and adapt to any new rule as long as it makes sense within his new logic base. If she thinks his service suffers for a couple of days after an orgasm and she decides he should no longer have orgasms because of that, he may be disappointed but he will find a way to believe that is the correct course of action and is plenty fair since it will ensure he can better serve her. If she physically punishes him for even the smallest of infractions, he will believe he deserved it and willingly accept it, sometimes welcoming it since it will improve his future performance (e.g. One spanking is more effective than ten lectures) and ease his guilt over failing to serve perfectly. The sub's logic in this state can justify nearly anything that she wants to do. If she chooses to beat him out of the blue, he can accept if it is to "remind him of his place," "to keep him focused," or "prevent future transgressions."
Oddly enough, this method of coping can often ruin true pleasure since his PE and SR are met, but his EF may disconnect if he doesn't feel like he deserves it. Similarly, he may display masochistic behaviors during a punishment since his EF and SR drive his subspace when he feels like he deserves punishment even though he experiences zero (or negative) PE.
Dealing with this type of sub can be difficult for some Dommes since they sometimes do not understand the depth that his subspace reaches and how his mind works during those times. Often the crueler and less tolerant she is, the better he will feel. This is because he feels good about performing with a superb attention to detail and he knows that when he pleases her, she values having such a competent sub. It will even make him love her more since he is thankful that she is willing to bring out the best in him, even if that involves pushing him to his absolute limits. If it seems like he wishes to be denied pleasure, that is not really the case, he just only wishes to receive pleasure when he feels like he has earned it and deserves it.
Relationships of this nature may appear abusive to the outside world, but in most of the cases, the sub is sublimely happy and wouldn't trade his lifestyle for the world. This also doesn't mean he is a doormat, since if she wants to enjoy his company, he will be that, if she wants to have vanilla fun, he will be that. What it does mean is that he can be whatever she wants him to be at any given time.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Dominance as a Meta-Fetish
Author’s note: This
will probably be my last serious entry for a while. I realized today that I had hit the mania phase of my depression
cycle and that has driven a few of my recent blog posts. During these times I have a tendency to
overstate some things and make an ass of myself. The downside is that once I leave mania I tend to sink into a
pretty deep downswing. I think I was
able to “catch it” in time and channel it in my last post on “deep submission,”
hopefully steering me clear of the worst of it. I am feeling fine now but I have taken the internal note that I
should write when I feel like writing and not grasp at straws trying to write
simply to express the mess going on inside.
End note.
I had a rather striking breakthrough realization today. It is probably the most important step in
understanding the nature of my submission since I entered the lifestyle. It answered about twenty thousand questions
that had been lingering within me and my outlook is a lot clearer now.
The concept that has granted me solace is Dominance as a
meta-fetish. That is, while a varying
number of activities are able to act as subspace triggers and cause sexual
arousal, it is not the activity itself but the symbolism of those activities
that are of greatest importance to me.
Failing to truly grasp this caused a lot of confusion over
the years because I was never quite certain what was going on at the essence of
my submission. It also explains why
such a wide variety of activities appeal to me on some level. I have often said, “I hate it, but I love
what it does to me.” I feel like it
should have been clear then but it seems that I just didn’t see how the pieces
fit into the puzzle until now.
If a sub has a fetish for Dominance, what I mean is that
their peak response is to the symbolism of power exchange. They will respond to activities that (A)
increase the power of the Domme, and (B) make the sub more vulnerable.
This is an interesting fetish since it seems to cover both
giving and receiving types of activities.
The sub may appear as if they have a fetish for service-oriented
submission but their actual response is to status inequality and fear of
punishment. They may appear as if they
have a bondage fetish but the inner draw is her control over him and his helplessness
before her. They may appear as if they
have a fetish for forced feminization when the inner draw is that she has the
power to make him dress how she wants him to and his status requires him to
comply no matter how unpleasant it might be.
I’m sure on some levels someone might read this and feel,
“well duh, this is common sense.”
There’s been many cases where I described these reasons for specific
fetishes, but I have yet to really hear from anyone who is drawn to pretty much
all activities that fit the A + B archetype.
Like, you’ll find bondage enthusiasts that do not respond to any more
intense activities. You will find
sissies that respond to cross-dressing when it isn’t forced. You will find subs that respond to many
“receiving” activities (such as play) but respond to very few “giving” activities
(such as service).
This is why I find this unique in a way. You will find many that respond to some
activities, but very few that will respond to pretty much all activities.
I think the other separating point for subs with a fetish
for dominance is that the greater the symbolism of power exchange in an event,
the stronger the submissive response. I
believe this is why some subs will crave cruel treatment yet still wish to be
loved by their Mistress. The greater
the cruelty the, greater the display of A and B, the deeper the sub falls into
subspace, and the more he loves his Mistress.
If you believe in my theory of D/s escalation (that
repetition gets ordinary which requires new, more intense activities to trigger
the same feelings) it makes complete sense why subs seem rather insane at the
intensity they crave.
The Deep submissive
There exists a submissive type that is a bit different than most. I call them the "deep submissive." These types of subs are usually easy to spot but are easily misinterpreted and misunderstood.
The deep submissive is an interesting one because they display characteristics of several different submissive types but seemingly all at the same time. They often display the yearnings of a service submissive, the devotion and selflessness of a slave type, but still have the sexual desires of a fetishist. The difficulty in understanding them is that they may display some of the characteristics of a different submissive type but they are usually fundamentally different in their motives and often don't share any other traits with that type.
At the core of the deep submissive is the intense need to please and obey the woman he submits to. To say that he would do anything for her probably isn't too large of an exaggeration. However, he is not a doormat. He has a strong sense of self and lots of creative energy, he just focuses himself intently on her needs. He is also willing to change himself if it will make her happier. He has the ability to adapt and will act independently when it is appropriate or submit to strict rules and guidelines when that is appropriate. Basically, he doesn't need to be told what to do but if he is told, he obeys to the T.
His fetish is for actions and symbols that display power inequalities and his devotion to his Domme. It is highly likely that simply wearing her collar will arouse him since it is both a proud symbol of ownership by his Mistress, but also a symbol that he is below her and exists to please her. He responds well to rituals and actions that make him feel connected to his Domme and these too will probably arouse him. There are a few activities where he may respond with arousal in a way that gives him the appearance of having a fetish for the activity, when his arousal really comes from the display of power by the Domme over him. These may include but are not limited to: CFNM, forced feminization, chastity, restraints, corporal punishment, pegging, and protocol restrictions.
In many cases the line becomes so blurry that a deep submissive won't even know why he is responding sexually to the activity. He may mistake the activity as the fetish rather than his response to the symbolism of the activity. What is so interesting is that this deeper connection can make him respond sexually to a very large number of activities, even ones he finds unpleasant or strongly dislikes.
Deep submissives tend to love their Mistresses with a very intense passion and these types of subs are usually married to their Dommes. They are kind of a Swiss Army Knife of the submissive world. They understand the roles they must fill in her life and can adapt at any time. They are a friend, lover, confidante, servant, plaything, sex slave, and whipping boy all in one. They can easily converse with their Dommes on topics of shared interest, they have a sense of humor, they want to share rewarding life experiences with her. They will respond to her beck and call with gusto, submit as her source of amusement, pleasure her sexually, and are willing to suffer for her.
It is sometimes difficult for a Domme to understand what makes a deep submissive tick (for the same reasons deep submissives may struggle to understand). They key is always to look at the symbolic nature of the activities and there's a very good chance that the stronger the display of power, the more connected the sub will feel and the more he will become aroused. Another interesting result is that the farther a Domme pushes a deep submissive's limits, the stronger his love and devotion to her will grow.
Deep submissives are complete people but may appear incomplete or desperate if they are single. It is easy for them to become depressed or agitated when single because they have so much love to give that they feel lost when there is no one there to receive it.
The deep submissive is an interesting one because they display characteristics of several different submissive types but seemingly all at the same time. They often display the yearnings of a service submissive, the devotion and selflessness of a slave type, but still have the sexual desires of a fetishist. The difficulty in understanding them is that they may display some of the characteristics of a different submissive type but they are usually fundamentally different in their motives and often don't share any other traits with that type.
At the core of the deep submissive is the intense need to please and obey the woman he submits to. To say that he would do anything for her probably isn't too large of an exaggeration. However, he is not a doormat. He has a strong sense of self and lots of creative energy, he just focuses himself intently on her needs. He is also willing to change himself if it will make her happier. He has the ability to adapt and will act independently when it is appropriate or submit to strict rules and guidelines when that is appropriate. Basically, he doesn't need to be told what to do but if he is told, he obeys to the T.
His fetish is for actions and symbols that display power inequalities and his devotion to his Domme. It is highly likely that simply wearing her collar will arouse him since it is both a proud symbol of ownership by his Mistress, but also a symbol that he is below her and exists to please her. He responds well to rituals and actions that make him feel connected to his Domme and these too will probably arouse him. There are a few activities where he may respond with arousal in a way that gives him the appearance of having a fetish for the activity, when his arousal really comes from the display of power by the Domme over him. These may include but are not limited to: CFNM, forced feminization, chastity, restraints, corporal punishment, pegging, and protocol restrictions.
In many cases the line becomes so blurry that a deep submissive won't even know why he is responding sexually to the activity. He may mistake the activity as the fetish rather than his response to the symbolism of the activity. What is so interesting is that this deeper connection can make him respond sexually to a very large number of activities, even ones he finds unpleasant or strongly dislikes.
Deep submissives tend to love their Mistresses with a very intense passion and these types of subs are usually married to their Dommes. They are kind of a Swiss Army Knife of the submissive world. They understand the roles they must fill in her life and can adapt at any time. They are a friend, lover, confidante, servant, plaything, sex slave, and whipping boy all in one. They can easily converse with their Dommes on topics of shared interest, they have a sense of humor, they want to share rewarding life experiences with her. They will respond to her beck and call with gusto, submit as her source of amusement, pleasure her sexually, and are willing to suffer for her.
It is sometimes difficult for a Domme to understand what makes a deep submissive tick (for the same reasons deep submissives may struggle to understand). They key is always to look at the symbolic nature of the activities and there's a very good chance that the stronger the display of power, the more connected the sub will feel and the more he will become aroused. Another interesting result is that the farther a Domme pushes a deep submissive's limits, the stronger his love and devotion to her will grow.
Deep submissives are complete people but may appear incomplete or desperate if they are single. It is easy for them to become depressed or agitated when single because they have so much love to give that they feel lost when there is no one there to receive it.
Why more women should practice lifestyle D/s
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Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Ethics vs. Choices
Throughout the internet you'll find many discussions on "appropriate" levels of BDSM intensity. There are numerous inclusions of what constitutes consent vs. just pleasure, what is okay to do in reality vs. play fantasy, and the like. The views are often shaped by the background experiences of the individual (especially those who have been active in a formal BDSM community), but it seems regardless of a person's experience level, there are many who will share their opinions whether their bias is based on experience, logic, ethics, or fantasy. The greatest levels of D/s intensity generally come under the greatest scrutiny.
The world history of oppressed and oppressors, the slave trade, etc. give ample firepower to those who wish to condemn or speak out against relationships with a high degree of power exchange. Is this really a fair comparison? I believe when people cannot picture themselves enjoying a certain lifestyle there is a tendency to condemn it. The great and over-riding difference between power exchange and history is consent. The power differential is not based upon wealth, skin color, religion, religious decree, race, gender, class, caste, or birth. A Domme doesn't come into existence like a Queen or Tsarina, she isn't born into an existing oppressive power structure with the ability to abuse power merely through title and standing. Her power structure is created when another agrees to fall below her in the heirarchy of the world they create together. This is a might difference.
A sub isn't dragged into his situation kicking and screaming. While he may kick and scream for different reasons later, at some point he made a choice. While I would like to say he enters "with his eyes wide open," in many cases it's with his eyes half open (yes, this is a reference to men who squint when they masturbate). I have often been told that a Domme that arouses a sub in manipulate him sexually and make him agree with something he doesn't really want is doing something wrong or unethical. A case can be made for both views on a personal level but I tend to feel if he "can't help himself," he is still responsible for his choices. A frat boy pillow talking a girl with low self esteem into bed with sweet sweet lies is considered responsible for his actions. A sexual predator seeking the object of his desires and acting out his twisted fantasies is also considered responsible, even if he did it because he "couldn't help himself."
I find it to be an odd double-standard when men follow their penises and some are seen as helpless victims and others as rational beings pulled along by sexual desire.
I also find it odd when people view a Queen abusing her servant in the same light as a couple who choose to live like a Queen and servant. The notions of power by birth and power by consent are indeed very different subjects.
On a side note, I feel that woman's ability to sexually manipulate a man into certain choices isn't an abuse of power. If men were meant to be able to resist feminine charms, our intelligence wouldn't cut in half when we get an erection.
The world history of oppressed and oppressors, the slave trade, etc. give ample firepower to those who wish to condemn or speak out against relationships with a high degree of power exchange. Is this really a fair comparison? I believe when people cannot picture themselves enjoying a certain lifestyle there is a tendency to condemn it. The great and over-riding difference between power exchange and history is consent. The power differential is not based upon wealth, skin color, religion, religious decree, race, gender, class, caste, or birth. A Domme doesn't come into existence like a Queen or Tsarina, she isn't born into an existing oppressive power structure with the ability to abuse power merely through title and standing. Her power structure is created when another agrees to fall below her in the heirarchy of the world they create together. This is a might difference.
A sub isn't dragged into his situation kicking and screaming. While he may kick and scream for different reasons later, at some point he made a choice. While I would like to say he enters "with his eyes wide open," in many cases it's with his eyes half open (yes, this is a reference to men who squint when they masturbate). I have often been told that a Domme that arouses a sub in manipulate him sexually and make him agree with something he doesn't really want is doing something wrong or unethical. A case can be made for both views on a personal level but I tend to feel if he "can't help himself," he is still responsible for his choices. A frat boy pillow talking a girl with low self esteem into bed with sweet sweet lies is considered responsible for his actions. A sexual predator seeking the object of his desires and acting out his twisted fantasies is also considered responsible, even if he did it because he "couldn't help himself."
I find it to be an odd double-standard when men follow their penises and some are seen as helpless victims and others as rational beings pulled along by sexual desire.
I also find it odd when people view a Queen abusing her servant in the same light as a couple who choose to live like a Queen and servant. The notions of power by birth and power by consent are indeed very different subjects.
On a side note, I feel that woman's ability to sexually manipulate a man into certain choices isn't an abuse of power. If men were meant to be able to resist feminine charms, our intelligence wouldn't cut in half when we get an erection.
Taking submissive Inventory
About once a year I tend to go over my thoughts on submission. It can clear things up in my head and it's interesting to compare from year to year how my thoughts change and how many things stay the same. It usually stays relatively static but the importance of each thing will shuffle around. Here goes this year's.
The most important factor in being a good submissive follows the same principles of being a good lover: make her happiness your greatest priority and things will generally turn out well. If your actions and impulses reflect this principle you are in good shape.
This does not mean to become a boring sycophant that just goes along with anything and everything. Be someone worthy of being her life partner.
On a personal level be someone that stimulates her intellectually and emotionally. Be interesting conversation, have a sense of humor, and be able to share things with her that are something unique that only you can offer. Have a personality but do not argue with her.
On an external level be someone she is proud to be with. Be polite, respectful, courteous, and chivalrous . Pay attention and know her body language and visual cues. Be mindful of your surroundings. Be the man that other women will wish they had.
On an emotional level be someone that makes her feel special. Be attentive and a good listener. Be affectionate and open with compliments. Do not let your stubborn masculinity and self-consciousness get in the way of a phrase, act, or gesture that may bring her joy. "I didn't say it because it sounds cheesy," is a weaker man's excuse. She is your Queen. Make her believe she is a Queen.
On a physical level be mindful of your appearance. This does not mean to be vain or shallow. It does mean that there are certain things that she holds a preference for and be mindful of these preferences. If she likes it when you are clean shaven with well kempt hair and nails and dressed in a manner that she finds attractive, this is how you should present yourself to her. Staying in shape and eating right are a plus for the both of you. "I wish you would [insert action here]," should not be in her vocabulary. You should know and have already done that for her.
On a submissive level remain focused on what pleases her. Conduct yourself in the manner she deems most fitting of your position. If she is happy, horny, confident, and proud that you are her submissive, there's a very good chance you will get the kind of activities you also enjoy without having to ask for them.
She is the special one. A submissive exists to make her feel that special all the time.
(After writing this I realized I completely skipped over any sort of romance/romantic gestures. I guess I have failed there).
The most important factor in being a good submissive follows the same principles of being a good lover: make her happiness your greatest priority and things will generally turn out well. If your actions and impulses reflect this principle you are in good shape.
This does not mean to become a boring sycophant that just goes along with anything and everything. Be someone worthy of being her life partner.
On a personal level be someone that stimulates her intellectually and emotionally. Be interesting conversation, have a sense of humor, and be able to share things with her that are something unique that only you can offer. Have a personality but do not argue with her.
On an external level be someone she is proud to be with. Be polite, respectful, courteous, and chivalrous . Pay attention and know her body language and visual cues. Be mindful of your surroundings. Be the man that other women will wish they had.
On an emotional level be someone that makes her feel special. Be attentive and a good listener. Be affectionate and open with compliments. Do not let your stubborn masculinity and self-consciousness get in the way of a phrase, act, or gesture that may bring her joy. "I didn't say it because it sounds cheesy," is a weaker man's excuse. She is your Queen. Make her believe she is a Queen.
On a physical level be mindful of your appearance. This does not mean to be vain or shallow. It does mean that there are certain things that she holds a preference for and be mindful of these preferences. If she likes it when you are clean shaven with well kempt hair and nails and dressed in a manner that she finds attractive, this is how you should present yourself to her. Staying in shape and eating right are a plus for the both of you. "I wish you would [insert action here]," should not be in her vocabulary. You should know and have already done that for her.
On a submissive level remain focused on what pleases her. Conduct yourself in the manner she deems most fitting of your position. If she is happy, horny, confident, and proud that you are her submissive, there's a very good chance you will get the kind of activities you also enjoy without having to ask for them.
She is the special one. A submissive exists to make her feel that special all the time.
(After writing this I realized I completely skipped over any sort of romance/romantic gestures. I guess I have failed there).
Saturday, November 17, 2012
The Comfort of Humiliation
A lot of subs enjoy the fantasy of humiliation. Some subs enjoy actually being humiliated. I was doing some thinking on humiliation today and found a few of my thoughts on it had become a little clearer. I have written before about how humiliation can be either enjoyable or devastating depending upon the environment. This is working from the perspective of a controlled environment (where there is no potential “life ruining” danger of humiliation, nor risk of serious physical harm).
I think that in many cases, humiliation can be very comforting.
It’s easy for men, especially submissive men, to carry insecurities and fears that they have buried deep within themselves since a relatively young age. These can include a wide range of subject matter ranging from physical build, success, kinks and fetishes, etc. These types of deep fears tend to be fairly deeply rooted in our psyche and no matter what anyone tells us, we seem to still fear the worst: that every insecurity-based worry we have is true.
Therein lies the comfort of humiliation. Think your penis is small? It is, but she doesn’t reject you for it. Think your kink or fetish makes you a freak? It does, but she doesn’t reject you for it. With one act, all of your fears and doubts about yourself are completely justified and true. We believe it, know that it is true, and are grateful that she keeps us around even though she feels that way too.
I think that’s why humiliation is such a common fantasy. All-too-often our fears are deepest because we believe they have the potential to “make-or-break” a relationship (or potential relationship). In this scenario she doesn’t reject us, but actually pays more attention to us for that reason.
It might seem more emotionally healthy to try to encourage a man so that he doesn’t have these fears but in most cases, it is burned so deeply into his psyche that saying otherwise won’t seem honest since we are firmly convinced of the opposite. “It’s huge!” or “It’s perfectly normal to have desires like that” just won’t sound like the truth. If it isn’t used to humiliate, then an underhanded compliment at least feels more honest. “It’s big enough” or “I like you the way you are,” does enough to make us feel safe and it will still feel like the truth. They also keep the door open wide enough to be humiliated for those reasons at a later date.
In any case, knowing she keeps us around even though we are inadequate is a very comforting feeling.
I think that in many cases, humiliation can be very comforting.
It’s easy for men, especially submissive men, to carry insecurities and fears that they have buried deep within themselves since a relatively young age. These can include a wide range of subject matter ranging from physical build, success, kinks and fetishes, etc. These types of deep fears tend to be fairly deeply rooted in our psyche and no matter what anyone tells us, we seem to still fear the worst: that every insecurity-based worry we have is true.
Therein lies the comfort of humiliation. Think your penis is small? It is, but she doesn’t reject you for it. Think your kink or fetish makes you a freak? It does, but she doesn’t reject you for it. With one act, all of your fears and doubts about yourself are completely justified and true. We believe it, know that it is true, and are grateful that she keeps us around even though she feels that way too.
I think that’s why humiliation is such a common fantasy. All-too-often our fears are deepest because we believe they have the potential to “make-or-break” a relationship (or potential relationship). In this scenario she doesn’t reject us, but actually pays more attention to us for that reason.
It might seem more emotionally healthy to try to encourage a man so that he doesn’t have these fears but in most cases, it is burned so deeply into his psyche that saying otherwise won’t seem honest since we are firmly convinced of the opposite. “It’s huge!” or “It’s perfectly normal to have desires like that” just won’t sound like the truth. If it isn’t used to humiliate, then an underhanded compliment at least feels more honest. “It’s big enough” or “I like you the way you are,” does enough to make us feel safe and it will still feel like the truth. They also keep the door open wide enough to be humiliated for those reasons at a later date.
In any case, knowing she keeps us around even though we are inadequate is a very comforting feeling.
Dream is almost a reality
If you have read my blog for a long time you may have seen some of my dream bondage device posts, which are basically fantasy bondage devices that have shown up in my twisted dreams when I sleep.
A while ago I made a post on using In ear monitors for sensory deprivation. Basically, wireless earplugs/headphones that could be used so that the Mistress could control what you would hear, whether it was a microphone of her voice pumped directly into your ear, white noise, a hypnotic mantra, music, etc. In my dream these monitors were held in place by a pair of earmuffs (that had a locking chin strap).
This year a few designers have made this at least a half-reality by cutting out the middleman and putting the speakers directly into the earmuffs. Almost there... now they just need them to block out almost 100% external sound, be wireless, and incredibly difficult to remove if secured.
A while ago I made a post on using In ear monitors for sensory deprivation. Basically, wireless earplugs/headphones that could be used so that the Mistress could control what you would hear, whether it was a microphone of her voice pumped directly into your ear, white noise, a hypnotic mantra, music, etc. In my dream these monitors were held in place by a pair of earmuffs (that had a locking chin strap).
This year a few designers have made this at least a half-reality by cutting out the middleman and putting the speakers directly into the earmuffs. Almost there... now they just need them to block out almost 100% external sound, be wireless, and incredibly difficult to remove if secured.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Love, Abuse, and D/s
I'm screwed up and I know it. I think I've
gotten used to it as I don't even feel self-conscious about being screwed
anymore. I know I've written entries like this before but it is cathartic
for me to write in this way so that I can better understand myself.
A good number of individuals involved in lifestyle D/s often have a history of emotional and/or physical abuse that dates back to when we were young. This is not always the case by any means but it is frequently the case. I think in a lot of ways, abuse during our formative years can help propel someone towards D/s in the future but it can be towards both submissive or dominant.
In my own case I was raised in an environment where I had to earn love. It wasn't given unconditionally. It was given when I excelled at something, whether it be academics, sports, music, etc. When I failed or stepped out of line I was beaten down physically and emotionally. This is how I learned to live and how I viewed myself: I was worthy when I was the best and worthless if I was not.
While highly motivating, it's also a bit screwed up and it has led to some difficulties with self-image and self-esteem. When I succeed I crave praise and approval but feel like I don't really deserve it if/when I receive it. When I fail I crash hard and it's difficult for me to cope with failure. This is reflected in my life as a submissive. I try hard because I want to be accepted but I never really build self-esteem. When I fail I feel like I should be punished.
It's odd but that plays perfectly towards a strict D/s lifestyle. Success is to be expected and failure will not be tolerated. I seem to cope better with this kind of tough love than love given unconditionally. My non-D/s relationship experience has shown that unconditional love often leaves so it's like I expect to have to earn love and have made peace with that. I'm not sure if that is healthy but under those circumstances my emotions and thoughts tend to make more sense.
I have known a few Dommes that were spawned in similar environments. They were strong enough to say "fuck you" to the factors keeping them down and create situations where they were in control. This control grants them their power and it makes sense to me as an outsider looking in. I know they don't always feel dominant all the time and there are occasions where outside factors can shake up their feelings of control but as a whole I respect the way they chose to overcome their past.
A good number of individuals involved in lifestyle D/s often have a history of emotional and/or physical abuse that dates back to when we were young. This is not always the case by any means but it is frequently the case. I think in a lot of ways, abuse during our formative years can help propel someone towards D/s in the future but it can be towards both submissive or dominant.
In my own case I was raised in an environment where I had to earn love. It wasn't given unconditionally. It was given when I excelled at something, whether it be academics, sports, music, etc. When I failed or stepped out of line I was beaten down physically and emotionally. This is how I learned to live and how I viewed myself: I was worthy when I was the best and worthless if I was not.
While highly motivating, it's also a bit screwed up and it has led to some difficulties with self-image and self-esteem. When I succeed I crave praise and approval but feel like I don't really deserve it if/when I receive it. When I fail I crash hard and it's difficult for me to cope with failure. This is reflected in my life as a submissive. I try hard because I want to be accepted but I never really build self-esteem. When I fail I feel like I should be punished.
It's odd but that plays perfectly towards a strict D/s lifestyle. Success is to be expected and failure will not be tolerated. I seem to cope better with this kind of tough love than love given unconditionally. My non-D/s relationship experience has shown that unconditional love often leaves so it's like I expect to have to earn love and have made peace with that. I'm not sure if that is healthy but under those circumstances my emotions and thoughts tend to make more sense.
I have known a few Dommes that were spawned in similar environments. They were strong enough to say "fuck you" to the factors keeping them down and create situations where they were in control. This control grants them their power and it makes sense to me as an outsider looking in. I know they don't always feel dominant all the time and there are occasions where outside factors can shake up their feelings of control but as a whole I respect the way they chose to overcome their past.
Politics, Tolerance, and Sexuality
I really try to avoid politics at all costs. Political events have a long history of
making me depressed about things I have no control over. They have led to fights that I have lost
friends over. Basically, it’s something
I tend to avoid at all costs.
The only time I tend to really get vocal is when politics
begins to infringe upon and attempt to define “proper” sexuality. Kink is a large enough part of my life and
identity that I tend to feel strongly about certain subjects. I am not a LGBT rights activist. I am pro tolerance.
Just recently in my state there was an attempt to pass some
very anti-gay legislature and it barely got shot down. I had no direct interest in this as I am not
gay nor I do not have any gay friends (although I have had them in the
past). I do tend to get a bit upset
when the hate machine starts rolling on topics like these. When power starts telling us what is
“proper,” “appropriate,” and “decent,” there’s always some fear in my mind since
you never really know how far they will go.
When “traditional” values start being brought up it becomes
clear: I am a sexual deviant. Anyone that considers them-selves to be
submissive, dominant, switch, etc. would also be slapped with this label. I consider my submission to be part of my
sexuality. It’s not something I asked
for, nor wanted, but it’s something I have accepted about myself. There was a time when homosexuality was
viewed as being sexually deviant (and it still is by many) and most homosexuals
I have known over the years have described their inner feelings as similar:
they didn’t ask for it, didn’t want it, but they have accepted it.
History has shown that once the hate machine gets rolling,
anyone different better watch out. Anyone
with D/s or BDSM type interests should be especially wary.
Not every state attempts things like mine. Some did just the opposite. That gives me hope. Deep inside me I have a naïve fantasy that D/s
will at some time be openly accepted as a sexual identity and possibly even
recognized by law. It’s a long shot but you never know what will happen in the
future. A lot of it depends on which
direction the ball starts rolling now.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Missing Everyone
I never realized just how much I needed to interact with people here until recently.
It seems a whole lot of people I used to exchange comments with have gone inactive and I'm really missing it.
It seems a whole lot of people I used to exchange comments with have gone inactive and I'm really missing it.
A new definition of subspace
I've
written a lot about subspace and have often been asked to describe it.
I tend to view it as a state of mind rather than as the result of
physical play as it is often portrayed (usually by writings that assume
every submissive is a masochist).
In
my past analysis of subspace I often viewed it as a priority shift from
an inward stance (what I want) to an outward stance (what can I do for
her?) in a sub's mental state that is often tied to psychological and
sexual triggers. While this may describe what I end up feeling as I
progress into deeper stages of subspace, it tends to skip a few of the
earlier stages.
Tonight
I was thinking about how to describe it in a way that covers all
stages. What seemed to make sense to me is that in any stage, subspace
is a (progressive) state of wanting more but being willing to accept
less.
In
its shallowest states, a sub may crave sexual contact and fetish
presence but rather than simply jerking off themselves, they relinquish
control of those factors over to the Domme. Basically, they get horny
and have an increased desire for kink and sexual attention but accept a
less immediate form of gratification.
This
seems to hold true for most stages of subspace as well as most fetish
activities. E.g. A sub in chastity and deep subspace may dearly want to
cum but instead accepts teasing and the idea of "maybe next time."
This in turn deepens their subspace and makes them crave the orgasm
even more, which is what makes the disappointment of further denial so
exhilarating. A sub in an extremely deep state (bordering on slave
level state) may deeply crave attention, love, praise, etc. but may
simply accept not being punished as a reward for good service.
As
states deepen, the number and strength of desires may grow while the
sub is willing to accept progressively less of their immediate desires.
Note: By immediate desires I am referring to desires in the moment and
not desires we rationalize while outside of subspace.
I may think about this definition a bit more. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Drawing: Last Orgasm
I'm not super happy with how this one turned out (it never looked quite right) but I figured I may as well post it anyway.
Drawing: Outed
Kind of a cliché fantasy, but it's the first drawing I've finished in quite a while. Now that I think about it, it is one of the few drawings where the dressing is implied to be voluntary rather than forced. I found a great smirking facial expression browsing winter catalogs and had to turn it into something and this is what it became.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Yahoo Pingbox
For some reason my yahoo messenger stopped allowing people to message me from my pingbox here on the blog. I downloaded an alternate client that is now working with it, although it doesn't display the nickname you customize so it will show up as something generic like "guest7832343" if I receive a message from you.
I know I don't get tons of messages through there, but at least now I know why that had gone to zero.
I know I don't get tons of messages through there, but at least now I know why that had gone to zero.
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