Sunday, May 29, 2016

Love, Trust, and Marriage

I've been trying to read more blogs lately.  Something has surfaced recently that has me thinking.  The topic at hand isn't based around any new ideas.  It's been a constant theme on blogs I've read flr years and from the people that make comments.  This isn't meant to single any one person out, it's amalgam of people that inspire me to write this.

Why do so many subs have this tendency to be terrible communicators?

I read many reasons justifying this.  My ex-wife was too mean.  My mom was mean.  Depession.  Fear of rejection.  I got dumped before because of this.  The list goes on.  If I give input, I receive an in-depth explanation of the same reasons.

I was abused as both a child and in adult relationships.  In my youth I was emotionally paralyzed.  I have major anxiety issues.  These have taught me one thing.  Love openly and freely.  Love is the ONLY thing I deem worthwhile in this ugly, horrible world that we call home.  If not for love, the hope of love, or the desire for love, I would have ended my miserable existence long ago.

I am broken.  It's one of the most obvious things about me.  I love freely.  Why?

I've been beaten down, rejected, and hurt so many times.  I have been hurt, betrayed, and abandoned many times over.  It hurts.  Any of these things hurt, deeply.  I believe I deserve them.  I believe I have no inherent worth.

I heal.  The heart heals.  It always does.  My needs heal it.  I've broken and rebuilt more times than I can count.  I have seen my "forever" several times, had it torn down around me, been buried in the rubble of its ruins, and dug my way out.  Me... the one that deserves the pain... the one with no inherent worth.  I bounce back.

I love freely and openly.  Why?

Trust.  If trust is the key to a successful relationship, doesn't trust come before love?  For me, the answer is no.  I will love freely and openly in the absence of trust.  I will set myself up to be rejected, betrayed, abandoned, hurt, emotionally scarred, and destroyed emotionally.  Why?

Someone has to.  Someone has to move first.  Someone has to open their heart first.  If no one acts first, we stalemate in a game of passive-aggressive tennis, hoping that someone will make the mistake, leaving a gap in their defense and breaking things open.  Either that, or we hope that all the things we truly need deep down will just sprout and grow.

I make this easier.  I love freely and openly in the absence of trust.  I waive a flag.  Here is my soul, you can feel comfortable being open with me.  I will hope for trust so that you can trust.

Trust is built over time.  It requires proving oneself many times over.  There must be a "trend" of trust.  To say, "you are trustworthy," requires repeated examples of being dependable, competent, and careful.  Before trust has been built, you are vulnerable.  You are at risk.  You may be hurt.  You may be rejected.

Someone has to open themselves and earn that trust.  Why not you?

The next part I just don't understand.  I've been engaged twice and was willing to propose a 3rd time.  I proposed after we built trust together.  So many references to fear in marriage.  So many references to lack of or loss of trust in marriage.  So much difficulty communicating with spouses.

How did people get married in the first place?  Without trust in place or the ability to love openly?  Was being rejected so many times in my life actually a favor to me so that I sought out what I felt was important?

If this is standard, then I guess I understand why many subs are such terrible communicators.  Loving freely and openly has probably never happened before.  It's a new skill.  An unpracticed skill.  If you married one of the first 5 women you fell in love with, I can understand that "bouncing back" isn't a natural reaction.

I guess all I can say to people is, be strong.  Be your best self.  Know that you can endure.  I wasn't able to be happy until I opened my heart.  I can't see anyone being truly happy without it.  You don't have to be the you you've always been, be a better version of yourself.  If you are a sub and truly care about the woman you serve, why would you not want to be the best possible version of yourself for her?


  1. Finding the right partner is truly a miracle. The odds are so against it, this trust being so essential and elusive. I was lucky enough to find the right man, and I never take it for granted. Let's repeat that: NEVER TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!!! People who do are simply sowing the seeds of the partnership's destruction, and when I see that happen I get so frustrated that I want to scream.

    Nice posting, fur.

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey.

      I strongly agree about the taking for granted part. That is actually what caused a major breakdown with T and I in our relationship.

      It led to many "why aren't you super submissive right now even though I haven't done anything Dominant in 3 days?" moments that caused me to pull back at times.

      I do keep trying and loving as I wrote above and I hope for a future where she is well enough for the intimacy to return.