I spent time with a friend last night and had a deep talk, the sort of which I haven't had in person in a very long time. I am firmly convinced that the depression that clouded my head for almost 4 years is pretty much in remission. I actually talked about writing my Reflections posts, although said it was "in a journal" and didn't reveal many details, but I was able to talk about K in person for the first time to someone other than F or T. He was aware that I had a "dead fiance" but never knew much more because I chose not to reveal anything beyond that.
Being free in my thoughts is something that I barely remember. Even when I used to write here (2010-2012) my driving force for writing was not always a good one. At times when I write I know that I want to "feel interesting," or to blow off steam. It's probably best for me to write only when I have "something worth saying."
What separates now from then is that I used to have a rather interesting support system in place. I could always talk to T about many things, F was still in regular contact. I had L, Marc and Cleo, some regular blog commenters, several kink-friendly local friends, and a handful of close friends that were aware we were into some "kinky things in the bedroom." From 2013-2015 this support system crumbled in one way or another, some by my hand, some by circumstance. I willingly cut out anyone that I knew was taking advantage of me and saw me for what I could provide rather than who I am.
Now I find myself... free, but without that same support in place. This makes me write more than I probably should. Occasionally this leaves me feeling like an ignored child, waving drawings in front of the face of an uncaring parent, trying to draw better and better in order to gain notice and praise. This is quite pathetic and very unhealthy for myself, and completely unfair to put any kind of burden on others to provide this for me.
I got to thinking about the why behind these actions. What I have come to realize is just how many ways that other blogs and back and forth with comments has affected my life and this side of my persona.
I have vivid memories from reading what others have written. Moments that are burned into me that have touched my mind and my heart. I remember reading Woman in Control and having one entry end with a moment of conflict and a reference to something Karl would do next that was very important. I still recall my mind racing, trying to figure out what he was going to do. I had my guesses, and the resolving event was one of those guesses, although I admit that I had deemed it an unlikely choice on his part.
I remember reading that follow-up, thinking "If you're going to do something, go BIG." Whenever I'm faced with a situation forcing me to "step up," that thought inspires me and keeps me from holding back.
Another moment from that blog was reading about Vanessa being ill and her sub "freezing." I got so angry, my heart full of frustration while the memories and feelings from my own past (Reflections part 2) pulled to the surface. Whenever I read about a sub freezing or feeling unable to act on something that is of a much smaller magnitude than this, these memories rush back in. I want to shake them and scream "What are you doing?!? She needs you and this is your chance to rise up! Cherish every moment, even if they hurt!"
I remember reading the old NTCweb message boards before I had even entered the lifestyle while searching for sexy pictures of women in fur. The "On Parade in Fur" post that I re-posted years ago haunts me to this day. This was my brain's first real processing linking fetish with humiliation and forced feminization. I saved a copy of it and buried it away. I have read it a few times but not within the past 5-6 years. I could probably quote several passages of it verbatim. I believe this was one of the seeds that took root and grew into submission. I was happily surprised when I received a message through my old yahoo messenger pingbox saying "That was me!" The original poster had managed to find my blog, like 8 years after they originally posted it. That forum had long been purged of that posting. What were the odds?
Plenty of times I can remember comment exchanges affecting me deeply. This wasn't always pleasant, but I have always viewed it as constructive. The majority of my interactions through this blog (and comments) have been with Dominant women and I always take their input, suggestions, and criticisms to heart. On many occasions I will make an observation or a statement based upon what I feel is my ideal form of submission only to be smacked down. This forces me to realize that I had vastly misinterpreted how women view things and their needs. This is not something I shrug off or take lightly. I process it. I think about it. I try to reshape my thoughts and my being with that new information in mind. It helps me grow and gives me the guidance to strive and better myself. Not all women are able to articulate the reasons "why" and "how" things go in this lifestyle. When they do, it is always a valuable learning experience for me and I tend to adopt these views as "truths" within the lifestyle. I say thank you a lot, but I do not think I can adequately express how important I see this being when I say, thank you to everyone that has ever done this to me. I feel like I become a better submissive every time it happens.