Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The 3 C's of FLR... or not.

Hopefully I can write this in a rant free manner.

As I was writing my post I have since deleted I noticed something amusing that gave me a good chuckle.

I know everyone's probably heard sayings like The 3 R's of school, etc.

As I banged away on the keyboard I noticed I kept returning the same phrase:  Cooking, cleaning, and cunnilingus.  The next thing I thought of was this could be the 3 C's of Femdom.  It donned on me though, I usually only hear this concept on blogs that use FLR and usually won't go near the words Femdom, D/s, BDSM, kink, fetish, etc., so it's probably best known as the 3 C's of FLR.

What I was writing about in the rant is that I am so frequently reading about relationships that are treading water or flat out sinking.

"I cook, I clean, and I go down 3 nights a week for hours, how come we are unhappy and this isn't working?  Why aren't my needs being fulfilled?"

While cooking, cleaning, and cunnilingus are nice, I don't think that freeing a woman from 2-3 hours a day of chores or making her orgasm by something other than sexual intercourse are really the things that inspire feelings of dominance.  If she hasn't embraced being dominant, it says, you helped out, you made me orgasm, thank you.

There's a missing link here that selling all the benefits of FLR do not cover.  I know many women who have spent the majority of their lives doing all the cooking, cleaning, and gotten men to orgasm regularly.  I don't think that reversing those responsibilities breed dominant feelings.  If the woman has this type of background, I would actually picture a bit of mild resentment with a twinge of gratitude: "Great, now you know how it feels to be me for my entire life.  Thanks for helping out."

The missing link should be obvious by now.  Feelings.  Sentiments have more meaning.  Thoughtfulness has more meaning.  Dominance is a state of mind.  An unshakeable feeling that you are entitled to and capable of dominating.  Reaching those feelings requires a process of consistent positive reinforcement on many levels over an extended period of time.  Have you ever told someone, "you should be more confident," and had them immediately feel more confident and capable of acting that way?

Being "entitled to" requires self-esteem.  Being "capable of" requires self-confidence.  Aren't those the natural places to start planting the seeds and helping them grow?

Make them feel loved, cherished, and amazing.  Make them feel like they are always on your mind.  Shower them with affection for no reason.  Be romantic in a way that she likes it.  Let her know how important she is to you.  Let her know how happy it makes you to see her smile.  Then... prove it.  Make her smile.  Make her feel important.  These are how the seeds grow.

The seeds can also be "watered" in the bedroom.  Cunnilingus isn't a sign of dominance or submission.  It's oral sex.  Wanting to do just cunnilingus instead of sex is likely to make her more self-conscious than dominant.  If she loves you, she'll be worried about your needs and trying to tear those worries away from her will do little to make her feel comfortable.  You are better off giving her freedom.  Freedom to explore and feel her way around.  Let her do it "her way," and not just some idea like cunnilingus, orgasm denial, or chastity.  Inject some kink, but build the mood first.

It usually takes romance to turn a vanilla woman on.  Romance her.  Get her in the mood.  See if she'll tie you to the bed posts (nylons work for this), tell her she can do whatever she wants to you.  She'll most likely explore your body at first.  What she does next, who knows.  This will get her gears turning.  The freedom to do what she chooses.  This helps the seeds grow.

Tell her you want to play a game.  How many orgasms will you bring her to before you get one.  Have her roll a die (or some dice).  Make it fun and sexy.

Kink is really inspiring.  It creates associations.  If a woman wears her sexiest piece of lingerie, her favorite one that makes her feel the most sexy, this is her dominatrix outfit.  This is her peak of confidence about her body and her ability to turn you on.  This will help the seeds grow.  The 3C's are nowhere to be found.

I'm not saying that the 3 C's won't come into play sometime down the road, but in the beginning they can be confining and box you into a fixed set of ideals while ignoring the process.  This is especially hard on a woman who hasn't embraced dominance yet.  "If I'm supposed to have power, why do I only have these choices?"

Plant the seeds.  Help them grow.  Find the process.
If you think about it like a flow chart, this applies to all 3 C's:
She asks you to do it -> She appreciates you doing it -> She expects you to do it -> She feels entitled to you doing it.

When you have reached the last step, everything should be okay.  Getting there is the hard part, please don't forget that. Remember that the 3 C's are the "ends" and not the "means."

Just some food for thought.


  1. One of the best articles I have ever read. You have to keep the end in mind, but you can't start there. It's alot like losing weight, it takes time and effort.

    Mistress Heather's slave

    1. Thank you very much, Mistress Heather's slave.

  2. Very nicely said, thank you.