After taking care of some backed up plumbing in the shower following working out, I've come to realize that I just don't like myself very much afterwards. I change and the change is obvious. My thought patterns, my mannerisms, even my posture change. I become a lot more serious and I feel a limiter put on my feelings.
While in subspace I show myself freely. My impulses are never about me. It's easy to give a compliment or simply "notice" a quality I like about someone and I have no problem voicing it. I often share those thoughts with others because I want them to feel good about themselves. A nice gesture can mean a lot more to the recipient than the effort it takes to make that gesture.
I think for men, most of us develop an alpha personality at some point in order to "blend in" with others and protect ourselves from emotional and physical harm. To be blunt, a whole lot of men are total pricks and we need a way to combat those pricks. It seems silly and a little outrageous to have to waste such a large portion of ourselves hiding away in plain sight just to avoid being devoured by people who are driven by insecurity. If I don't play this game I am vulnerable.
Post-orgasm I feel this alpha persona naturally creep its way back into my skin. It makes me angry that my own sexual fulfillment forces me to cycle through the worst parts of myself before I can return to who I want to be. My submissive self is the best that I have to offer. To be sensitive and nurture others rather than whip it out in a quest for dominance in a herd I loathe to be a part of... I want to be the truest form of me. The me I am proud of being. The me I am happy being.
Thankfully the poison only affects me for a few hours, but it's not a straight purge. It's not an on/off switch. It's like someone filled up the tank with garbage and I have to slowly burn it off for my true self to return. I think it is the hardest for me to deal with when the orgasm is part of intimacy. When I want to feel close, it creates distance.
My baser male desires do not always agree with the logic I hold in my head and the feelings that go along with it in my heart. I can't help but wonder if a way to bridge that gap is possible for me.
fur sissy: I think all sub males struggle with those feelings. Being sub only really makes sense if it works counterpoint to an extent alpha. As I have often lamented, this makes for a very schizoid existence, I agree. Still, it beats having to get up and go to work. LOL. Hope you are well.
ReplyDeleter.
Thank you, r.
DeleteThe blogosphere is nice because it allows for the appearance of a high percentage of subs who can feel this way. I think that those of us that tend to write about these feelings often share a view of a very similar picture.
Having been around the submissive population at large on quite a few occasions I usually felt like an outcast. It is good to connect with others who share similar sentiments.
I have found wishing for orgasm denial can often have unintended consequences (e.g. Making a Domme feel self-conscious) and conveying those thoughts in a sensitive manner can occasionally prove troublesome.
I often feel emotionally different post O. Sometimes it makes me cry. I always hate showing that kind of insecurity.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, Anon.
DeleteI wish I felt more tender and sensitive post-O. I don't think there is any shame in crying nor does it imply insecurity. Showing true feelings is brave.