Thursday, June 2, 2016

Insecurity and the Nature of "Too"

I've been reading a lot of blogs and blog comments lately focusing on insecurity.  One response I received was citing they did not know my experiences.  I haven't written much about my personal life until this past May.  This isn't so much a recounting of those in depth, more of a summary list of things that contribute to inner fears. I have no idea if they will read this but I am writing it anyways.

My life has been full of rejection.  On the day of my birth I was rejected by my mother and given away.  That was the start.  Since then, rejection and insecurity have centered around a 3 letter word: too

I have been rejected by women a lot for various "too"s:
Too short.
Too different (race or style).
Too young.
Too inexperienced.
Too "thick" (I have a very muscular build).
Too much like a brother.
Too ugly.

I have been dumped for a lot of "too"s:
Too affectionate.
Too needy.  
Too boring (I don't drink or party).
Too safe.
Too respectful (this one confused me).
Too submissive.
Too open.  
Too serious.
Too sensitive.

I have gotten in arguments with lovers over various "too"s:
Too predictable (anticipating needs).
Too selfless.
Too obsessive.
Too passionate.

I have had friendships end over "too"s:
Too strong willed.
Too sarcastic.
Too experienced (it made them feel inadequate).
Too independent.
Too "outside the box."
Too random.
Too knowledgeable.

All of these events have hurt me deeply.  For all intents and purposes I should probably be a wreck, second guessing every action, ripe with insecurity.  I could be that way if I chose to be.  What prevents that is I hold an unshakeable belief that some things can never be "too."

You can never make a woman feel too loved.
You can never make a woman feel too special.
You can never make a woman feel too important to you.
You can never be too brave or have too much courage.
You can never be too thoughtful.

I may seem naive but these are the rules of the world that I choose to live in.  They are ideas that I strive for on a daily basis.  These are my security.

I believe in them because of what I hear when she talks about me to others.  The "too"s become "so"s.
"He is 'so' thoughful.  He makes me feel 'so' loved and important."

Don't get me wrong, I am afraid of all the "too"s that have hurt me, I just choose to ignore them because I believe they don't matter.  They were then, this is now.


  1. Nice to see you moving past those negative "too"s. I think everyone could write a list of things people have rejected them for. Recently when people tell me that I am weird or random (and that includes nearly everyone I know) I respond with "atleast I am not boring". You have a beautiful soul. If they dont see that then they do not deserve your friendship.

    Miss Lily

    1. Thank you for the kind words, Miss Lily.

      Weird and random break routines. I once forced some friends to ride with me while I drove 42 miles to play skee ball. 1 had a blast. 3 stood around and bitched. It's not hard to imagine which of those friends became special to me.

      Take care

  2. Hi, Anon here... You seem just like everyone else, which is to be unique and your own person. Is it a paradox to be 'your own person' if you're submissive? I don't think so. Anyway, I wrote you before that I enjoy your writing - amazing to me that you're so prolific! Everyday when I wake up I think: Well, it's time to get up, pull my socks up, and face the 'fun battle' of life. Really that's all we know and can do. There is a saying, 'if you always dream about the person that you want to be, then you waste the person that you are', or something like that. Keep up the writing, hang in there with all the stuff, it just life and who we are, which is okay. And you're not alone.

    1. Thank you, Anon. Do you have a nickname, code word, letter(s) or numbers you could use as a signature by any chance? It's easisr to track/know who I am communicating with that way.

      Thank you for the kind words. I do believe there is a balance between who we are and who we are becoming. While who we are is heavily influenced by a lot of things outside of our control, having aspirations or ideals in mind can heavily influence who we will be tomorrow.

      In my youth I was a ball of angry rage, lashing out and unable to cope. It took a lot of work for me to change but I was fine wasting that version of myself and getting rid of it for good.

      It is always a balance but knowing we will inevitably change, learn, and grow from our experiences can be mostly positive if we let it.

      Thank you. Take care.