Well... I'm finished with fs01. I may write a bonus chapter or two that I have twisting in my mind but I'm taking this time to process my feelings.
A lot of what I wrote about in the story are based upon actual experiences or actual fantasies I have harbored at some time.
I still struggle to come to grips with what drives a dominant mind and I end up finding a few things that differ from person to person and over the years I have slowly tried to piece together how things connect from my own mind to theirs.
I guess it's probably easier to get the first thing out of the way.
I have come to view suffering and enduring for a Domme as my display of love and devotion to her.
As unpleasant as it may be in the moment, this process pushes me deeper and deeper into the subspace abyss and when I emerge out the other side, I feel a strange sense of joy and accomplishment. At that moment I know that I have changed a submissive.
The internal feelings that go along with it are somewhat prideful, but mostly love. It's almost like my soul screams, "Yay, I was able to love her even harder!" The ability to endure... the desire to display my love and devotion through suffering... is hard to truly describe. It feels like each time I'm pushed through a new series of more difficult circumstances, I end up stronger, more dedicated, and more loving to her. This process is a bit addicting. It's also a bit scary. It feels "new" and the "old" is less exciting. "I've already shown that much love, I want to show more."
Some of the comments on the fiction have wondered which of the fantasies are made up and which were really me. Well... most of them were really me. Not all of them were part of my original writing assignments, but over years and experiences, my wish to grow more devoted and more loving has taken my mind to some very dark and scary places. I'm rational enough to know what is truly unsafe and unhealthy, but on a submissive level, I have at some point craved to experience them in order to take me to that next level. Don't get me wrong, I understand that in reality, some of these things I could only handle for a short period of time, e.g. a weekend. I know they are not meant for a lifetime. That is what keeps them as a fantasy instead of pushing them to a reality.
A tough realization about being this way is that it puts a huge amount of pressure on the Domme. I offer all that I can for her to receive. When I can offer no more, what's next? The next step is a giant leap of trust. The next step is allowing her to take that which cannot be directly offered. It requires action on her part.
I can offer my freedom. She may accept it and put me in chains. I cannot offer my comfort, that must be taken by her by using the chains in a certain way.
I cannot offer her my dignity or my pride, I can only allow for them to be taken away by her. It is not that I do not have dignity or pride. It is not that I wish I didn't have them. I merely realize that I do not need them, and if taking them away gives her joy, I gladly accept that as it will allow me to display my love and devotion again through my ability to endure it.
I hope I'm making sense here.
This line of thinking can be scary and really, my head scares me. I'm sure there will be more questions about fs01 and which parts were fantasy and which were made up. In part 7 there is a branding scene. I admit I have fantasized about being branded. I would actually be fine with it if I believed the relationship would go on forever. The brand would be my mark of devotion that would remind me of my love every time I felt it.
I have also fantasized about the scene in the story... being taken against my will and branded by another Domme while still devoted to my Mistress. Before you say, "WTF DUDE?!," that fantasy revolves around refusing to submit to the other, even if it will prevent the pain and possibly the brand. The fantasy is about enduring the torture of pain and suffering so that I can come out the other side, battered and broken, look into her eyes, and say, "Mistress, I knew you would come for me, I never gave up hope, I never gave in! Mistress, they never broke me, you are the only one who I allow to break me."
There's only one thing I would fight to hold-onto. Something that I would claw tooth and nail to keep it from ever being stripped away from me. That one thing is the feeling of self-respect I have knowing that I can look my Mistress in the eye and tell her that I endured for her.
I guess this is pretty scary when I think about it.
12 years ago K warned me that I should be scared. She read into the fantasies that she assigned me to write and must have seen this coming. She warned me, "pet, always be afraid. There are people out there that will hurt you and your nature makes you vulnerable to them."