Saturday, June 4, 2016

The Line between Punishment and Play

About a week or so ago I made a semi-frustrated post about Dommes thinking it's a good idea to withhold D/s as a punishment instead of using a D/s punishment.  I still stand by that I hate that idea being used casually and if ever, it should only be used as a means of last resort to ahow the seriousness of thr situation.

As my random thoughts and memories drift in and out, I got to thinking about my time with F and it reminded me of a few related matters.

When I was with F she would routtinely take me over her knee or lap for a spanking or paddling.  Hand, hair brush, paddle, etc.  I was almost always naked when this happened and she would pinch my penis between her thighs to hold me down.  Sometimes additional restraints were used, other times not.  Around this time there were very few Femdom resources and the majority of written reaources basically stated that all subs were masochists.

This notion seemed to support the easy out "stop playing" punishment.  I just don't understand how either idea was ever accepted blindly.

Even so, I'm of the belief that with sufficient creativity and resourcefulness, ANYTHING can be made to be unpleasant.  There is a "punishment form" of any kinky activity that can turn a dream fantasy into a nightmare.

I am not a masochist.  F knew this.  She knew that taking me naked over her knee would keep me aroused by humiliation, status, and helplessness.  Her solution was simple.  Hit me until I go limp, then the punishment starts.

If a masochist gets turned on by more pain, then work a different angle.  Beat him in a chastity device.  Humiliate him.  Isolate him in time out.  There are 1000 solutions to this relatively easy problem to solve.

I live in a fairly good sized metro area.  ~6 million within a 30 mile radius or so.  If you browsed our area on collarme and looked at profiles active within 6 months there were around 120k submissive men seeking Dommes, around 40k submissive women, 2200 male Doms, and roughly 200 Dommes.  If you removed the Dommes that weren't looking, this cut it down to 80.  I found those figures to be skmewhat absurd.  F told me about a local Domme that just couldn't keep a sub.  6 weeks on average, 4-6 months max.  I saw her profile before when I was searching and she wasn't bad looking.  That sort of blew my mind.

She happened to be at a munch that F and I were at and I overheard her talking to others... well, more like ranting to others.  She would proudly announce that she would cut off play if a sub ever acted out.  No talking about it, no communication, just flip the D/s switch off.  Since "all subs are masochists so this is he best form of punishment."  "Why beat them if it will just turn them on."  Everything became clear.  Strip someone of their needs at the drop of a hat.  Cut off communication.  Make generalized assumptions without getting to understand what makes them tick.  That's a recipe for success, right?  :p

The numbers dictated that she could have a new guy every week, but deep down I think she was hoping for more.  The whole thing just made me kind of sad.


  1. Although she could easily replace lost subs. Her high turn over rate shows that she is doing something wrong. I still do not agree with sudden removal of d/s as a "punishment"

  2. Views on punishment are always interesting.

    When I have a sub, I have a punishment dynamic and I NEVER use play-like activities for punishment.


    Because if he's done something I don't like, the very last thing I'm interested in is expending a bunch of energy on 'creative' or 'play-like' punishments. If I do that, his 'punishment' is my attention and my BDSM energy (negative or not, it's still attention and energy) and a bunch of emotional and physical work from my side, and none of that 'you've done something wrong, now let me do a bunch of work in response' approach makes sense to me.

    If he does something wrong, I talk to him to figure out what happened, what went wrong, we work out how to fix it.

    Then he is punished in a D/s way (in the sense of 'asserting my authority'), but NOT in a way that can at all be confused with play.

    "Write me an essay explaining why obeying me is important"
    "Take that bin that you forgot to take out to the curb 20 times in a row"


    So yeah: different strokes, but the main thing is to have common goals and a common understanding of how it's going to work. Of course if all is going well, punishments are so rare it barely even matters.

    A piece I wrote on my version of punishment here if you're interested.


    1. Thank you very much for your thoughts, Ferns.

      I agree completely with your methods. Especially so since they keep communication open and continue the D/s dynamic. Something like a writing assignment still supports the idea of an authority figure and the person who answers to them.

      This post was a follow-up to a post that I made a week or so ago where I was mostly rallying against the idea of removing any D/s dynamic as a punishment. e.g. "I'm mad, so now we're going to be vanilla until I feel better." This is an approach I dislike and never support. Even just sending the sub to stand in the corner for an hour is better than yanking the rug out.

      The Dommes I have been with have generally enjoyed coming up with rather elaborate punishments, but a lot of that was because I made very few mistakes, so if/when I finally did slip up, they hopped on it with pleasure.

      I will give your link a read soon.

      Take care.