subs: to congregate or segregate

Something that I've always noticed is the difference in how subs socialize in traditional BDSM communities vs. Femdom communities.  In the BDSM communities I have interacted in it was fairly common for subs to talk with each other at gatherings and they would often hang out together in their free time.

However, in Femdom communities it's usually quite the opposite.  In most cases there would never be subs from more than 1 or 2 of the Dommes present at any given time.  In the cases where there were subs from many women present, they might be permitted to talk about whatever their task at hand was but any communication about "what it is like to serve " was quickly squashed and usually punished pretty harshly.

I have read blogs from several Dommes that pretty much state that their subs aren't allowed any contact with other subs.  I understand why they would choose this and pretty much agree with the reasons behind it, both keeping subs from trying to exploit the situation, avoiding "but she lets him do " situations, and keeping him feeling a bit isolated so that his only BDSM-related communication must be with the Domme (although I'm sure there are even more reasons).  

I also understand scenes where subs are encouraged to communicate with each other, learn from each other, lean on each other, etc.

I'm curious if people had any views on this subject.

An observation and opening for further discussion

Based upon some of the comments that have happened on various older posts here, I posted the poll about relationships and orgasm frequency (if at all).  Now I will be the first to admit that you can't gather decisive information from a poll like that, nor how many people who voted have been in or are in D/s relationships (so some votes may be representative of a thought/feeling that would likely be drastically different if confronted for real). 

This is mainly in response to comments made towards rfoj74's comments on his experiences with his sub/sissy.  So far there have been 14 votes by subs.  5 said they would be willing to get into their ideal D/s relationship at the expensive of never orgasming again or having very very infrequent orgasms.  8 have said it would be a harder decision but if the situation was just right they probably couldn't keep themselves from going for it.  1 has said there's no way they would even consider it. 

Out of the two Dommes that have voted so far, 1 has voted they could see themselves demanding their sub to give up orgasms if the situation warranted it and 1 said they probably would never do that but can see where that would be useful.

I guess what I'm not sure of is... are those comments from a very vocal minority?  Or since few have talked at all in favor of any of the possible merits of that situation are they in fact a vocal majority? 

I guess I'm just curious.  I'm not really trying to say one side is right or wrong, I'm merely wondering where people are coming from on the subject and how their views on the BDSM and D/s lifestyle may affect those views. 

Femdom Dream Fantasy - Fur Internship

I had a dream that ended up inspiring a story idea that I never got around to writing.

The basic premise is that a man with a fur fetish answers an ad in the paper for a full time unpaid internship at a local fur & leather shop.  He answers the ad and gets semi-seduced by the owner who hires him and gets him to sign a contract.  The shop happens to specialize in a few things: women's fashions, fetish fashions, sissy fetish fashions, sexual items and BDSM related gear.  On the surface it's just a shop but when he starts working there he finds out they run a host of other mail order companies and strange walk-in clientele.  The company is very gynocentric and he is the low man on the totem pole. 

To make a long story short the internship causes him to get fired from his other job, he gets tricked into debt with the company, loses his car, and is forced to work there 50+ hours a week for free.  The company, called FurHerPleasure, exploits male fetishes in order to sell fur/leather/bdsm items to women for incredibly low prices. 

I don't have any stories written from it nor pictures depicting scenes from it.  What I did up tonight were some pages from a couple of their catalogs if said businesses actually existed.  I have done 3 pages from each catalog to show how each approach might be taken, including how to exploit men and reap the benefits onto women.  Their labor force is a sweat-shop/dungeon type environment where male subs are (at least initially) consensually forced to do the manufacturing.

I honestly have no idea if this is of any interest to anyone or not heh.  Please let me know if you would want more from this scenario.

 

 

Revisiting the Lesbian Fantasy

Ms Marie's recent post Sapphic Tendencies got me thinking again about my post from July on the Lesbian Fantasy.  It's kind of eerie how some of the same details are in both of our posts.  I don't really know why but whenever this type of fantasy trickles its way into my brain I tend to feel a twinge of guilt, followed by a sigh and a mumble of "typical male fantasy."

After reading her post I did some thinking on it and tonight I re-read my post and found a few areas that I didn't cover during my exploration of it the last time around.  In my earlier post I focused mainly upon the role change and diminished personal relationship between the Domme and male sub.

Isolating the case of a FemDom, a Fem sub, and a male sub, where the Fem sub receives preference/status over the male, I noticed a few new areas to think about.  How does this differ from say, a FemDom and two male subs?  What does this say if a Fem sub was added to an existing FemDom/male sub relationship (or vice versa)?

A case with two male subs is a pretty easy read assuming that both subs probably have similar types of requirements and may possibly serve similar roles in the relationship.  One may receive preference (usually whichever one was there first), but both are male subs and they probably know what to expect from the relationship.

Adding a male sub to a Lesbian D/s couple is fairly straight forward.  The male would be brought in to do the grunt work and to be dumped on when it's convenient.  This makes sense.  So why is the reverse case so intriguing? 
 
This is where my typical male fantasy probably takes over.  I know there are Dommes out there that would probably treat a male sub and female sub equally, but in my own mind and as painted out by Ms. Marie, what about that scenario makes it so difficult to shake?

This time around I was able to see some new insights into this and the male ego crushing effects of it.

-The Fem sub is a sub that exists solely for pleasure.  The male sub never had that role.  Even when he was used for pleasure he was still there for pain.  He might wish that it was him in her role and there was someone else lower down to take the brute force and tedious duties.  The Fem sub gets to experience his fantasy and that's something he has never, nor will ever taste.  This can be easily rubbed in his face for shame/jealousy.

-She hops into her role but his role is changed.  It's sort of like taking a pay cut... it hurts because you once got more for the same thing.  Now that she's here he just lost his status, pleasure, and attention.  All of the grunt work with less (if any) reward.  Every time the Fem sub is called to bed and he must sleep elsewhere would have to sting.

-Since they are both women and both are given power over the male sub, it's almost like the Lesbian D/s dynamic is pretend or momentary... a means for mutual pleasure and enjoyment.  The Femdom D/s dynamic must feel like a harsh slap in the face in that light. 

-Forbidden fruit.  He now has another set of curves to fantasize over.  I don't see much in terms of sexual interaction between the two subs being permitted here except maybe some extreme teasing or assistance during play.

-Women are territorial.  I don't know a single Female sub or switch that placed in this situation, that wouldn't go out of their way to monopolize the Domme's attention.  I know there are Fem subs that exist that would not, but I don't personally know any of them as they often wish to be invisible around anyone other than their Dom.  With this in mind, the odds that the male sub would receive any positive attention is rather small.

This seems to clear some things up but geez... this still manages to turn me on something fierce every time I think about it.

Femdom Philosophies: The One Line Phrase

I've noticed that whenever I hear a Domme make a general one line statement communicating her philosophies on Femdom, D/s, BDSM, etc. my mind tends to race and I'm often guilty of getting a hard-on as my mind races to process the implications.

I think that's what makes a one-line phrase so powerful, that it give implications but keeps them open-ended so that almost any situation not directly covered by the phrase is put in its place.  I've heard many of these phrases over the years and it would probably take me several hours to record all of them but they never cease to strike a chord in my submissive soul.  Even ones I don't agree with will often linger with me for years, slowly changing my views until I find myself responding to that philosophy.

I'll try to list off some examples here...

"All boys should be kept in chastity."
Implications:  males can't control themselves (nor be trusted to do so), aroused males behave poorly, a woman should dictate when and how a male can have sexual pleasure, etc.

"Only dominants should be allowed to wear black."
Implications:  black is a powerful color and any submissive being should have to wear something less powerful.  Less powerful being...

"A sub should be punished regularly to keep them in their place."
Implications:  a sub that isn't punished regularly will be belligerent, a Domme doesn't need a reason other than this to punish their sub, a sub that carries some fear will be better behaved.

"Sissies should be kept (butt) plugged to remind them of their status."
Implications:  a sissy is of lower status, discomfort and anal penetration is suitable for low status, sissies should never forget their are of lower status.

"A good sissy maid is seen but not heard."
Implications:  a sissy maid should not be permitted to speak (or should be kept gagged), good service doesn't require talking.

There's hundreds more that I can't seem to remember right now.

Does anyone else have any of these lines that really stayed with them?  Or for Dommes, are there any of these philosophies that you like to use/share with others?

Drawing, tribute, shading practice

A recent post by Ms. Marie inspired this drawing but I also kept it non-sissy to see how I would do (at Giles' request in a previous comment.

I did a lot of shading work on this one... trying to figure out and improve at shading/detailing but it's still a work in progress.  To make things easier I pretty much traced this one for the contours/shading.

 

I did make a few variants of this one as well.   One with caption for those who like captions and another with a slight modification of what the woman is wearing.  A turtleneck seems more believable given the environment.

A Domme's Role in Consent

Giles English brought up some interesting points in comments to my last post on consent.  It made me realize that I had written that post with the assumption that the sub would resist leaving unless things were simply terrible for them.

Any Domme that has been through several D/s relationships probably knows this usually isn't how things really work and that not all compromises are made by the sub.

In reality, unless you have a very extreme D/s relationship, you have to be able to connect on a personal level and the Domme must make sure things are good enough to keep him from leaving.  This can be done in a variety of ways.  Each way has sort of its own "face value" as well as a means to exploit it.  I don't feel that a little bit of exploitation is that bad, especially if the foundation is in fact a loving, caring relationship. 

-Incorporating enough of his kink/fetish/fantasies to keep his needs met. If it floats his fetish boat, he will have no reason to look elsewhere to fill those needs.  This can be exploited in a few ways, mildly by making his fetishes a reward, or more overtly by making him feel sexually awkward or inadequate because of his fetishes but roping him in by telling him that you understand him and that you're okay with the way he is (even when no other woman would be).  Occasionally you may want to act out one of his fantasies to keep him salivating at the thought of having it happen again.

-Ensuring the day by day relationship is loving and fulfilling.  Even if there is no sexual contact simply reminding him that you enjoy your relationship, you love him, and value him in your life.  This can be exploited rather severely.  Words are cheap but adequate to reference to a sub if he starts feeling otherwise.  e.g. Punishing him as "a sign of your love for him," or saying he "is the most important person in my life" while ignoring his needs.  Taken a step further logic can be twisted:  "I'm denying you orgasms because it brings me so much pleasure to see you squirm in frustration and don't you want to see me happy?  I know it makes you happy for me to be dominant."  It is much easier to exploit if the stakes are high e.g. marriage, common friends, etc. as he will have no where to turn to.

-Stretching his boundaries slowly.  While some might believe this shouldn't happen, many subs crave the submission of having their limits pressed.  This is a process that should happen over time and in the right settings.  Exploiting these cases really shows the weakness of the male.  Sexual conditioning (positive sexual reinforcement) can slowly turn a Domme's fetish into a sub's fetish.  Extended tease & denial can make a sub highly susceptible to "suggestion" and if he is horny enough and being brought to a climax he can be made to promise almost anything.  When he reaches that point you can either allow him release and expect it in the future or deny his orgasm and tell him he will be allowed release after he makes good on the promise.   

There are also some ways that aren't as emotionally healthy.  While they might be viewed with disgust or disdain by some, long-standing relationships that have grown a bit stale on the D/s front and where a Domme wishes to make major changes to the relationship may find these as being some of the only ways to get an honest behavioral change out of her sub.  Subs that have grown bored/complacent with a relationship can be incredibly moody/stubborn/resistant to adopting a more ideal submissive attitude.  Sometimes they need a kick in the butt to get back on track.  In many ways I consider these options to be healthier/easier than having a Domme terminate the relationship without communicating the seriousness of the situation to her sub.

-The threat of rejection.  He can have it her way or get out.  If she has exploited his fetishes at all (or decides to start now) he will know that his needs aren't "normal" and he will have a tough chance finding another woman willing to accept him as he is. 

-He is replaceable.  This is the other side of his threat of rejection.  While he will have a difficult time finding another Domme, she will have an incredibly easy time finding a dozen subs to take his place, so if he won't perform, she'll find a sub who can.  While it may very well take weeks/months to find another sub that she will mesh with on a deep level, he doesn't have to know that, and the thought of having a dozen applicants lined up at her door the next day will probably shake him up a bit.  The odds are in her favor. 

-Blackmail.  In most cases, the male sub fantasy can go into very deep, dark places.  I've also found that Dommes are more likely to demand a sub to share his deepest fantasies and quite unlikely to share her deepest fantasies with him.  While he could try to out her, it usually ends up sort of like this:
sub: "she got off by wearing a corset and thigh high boots, tying me up and spanking me and then making me give her oral."
Domme: "he wanted me to tie him up, spank him, fuck him up the ass with a dildo, and then make him serve me and my friends while dressed as a maid."

When it comes to who is at risk to lose the most face, advantage: Domme. A few timely pictures here and there when he is in the throws of a BDSM activity can reinforce this even more.

These situations aren't fair, but neither is the outcome of power exchange except that we acknowledge the risks and consent to the relationship as a whole.  I've always felt these were sort of bi-products of the situation and always felt they were part of the risk to consider before starting the relationship.

Overall Consent vs. Situational Consent vs. Covert Conversion

I am building off of my previous post and comments on my recent posts Styles and Intensities of Femdom Relationships and A sub's Consent: Sacrifice and Trade-offs

If you scour the internet for intro to BDSM type material you'll find it ripe with warnings and cautions and the term "consensual" tossed around a lot.  Most BDSM material was written with active BDSM communities in mind and mostly to protect vulnerable women from potentially dangerous and abusive men.  In these cases it is usually a wise system to follow but it doesn't seem to translate as well towards the variety of Femdom relationships you'll find both in reality and what people are seeking when you isolate activities within Femdom relationships.

I could rattle off a few clichés here about men being physically stronger than women so there's less risk, etc. but it doesn't really get to where I'm going.  No one seems to have a problem with a Domme inflicting physical punishments on a male sub or ordering him to pleasure her for hours with no sexual pleasure for him.  Those topics are treated as fairly ordinary and the types of things that people get into D/s relationships for.

The debates about consent really stem from the emotional health of the sub in light of the Dommes requirements of him.  I've seen a lot of Dominants take heat for their isolated actions towards subs and I don't really understand why unless a very narrow view of consent is project onto the situation.  Taking away a sub's favorite leisure activity, prohibiting orgasms, or inflicting public humiliation are a few activities that come to mind.

Now yes, it is unlikely that the average sub enters into a D/s relationship readily admitting that he okay with the prospect of having zero fun in life, is willing to be locked in chastity for a year at a time, and taken out in public and made to cry whenever she feels like it.  Since he hasn't agreed to that activity, if it pops up, does that make it non-consensual?  In some ways yes, in others no.  Situationally, it may appear non-consensual.  Overall, he may very well have agreed to let her punish him as she sees fit.

If he shirks his chore duties, she might take away his privilege to watch football or play softball with his buddies.  Is this any different from being grounded as a child/teen when you misbehaved?   If you agreed to let her decide how to punish you and agreed to abide by such a ruling, then on a greater level it is consensual.

If he is repeatedly caught masturbating without permission after consenting to give her full control over his orgasms, isn't it consensual to allow her to lock him in a chastity belt until she sees fit to release him?

If he consents to her full domination if she wishes to take him out and parade him around dressed as a French maid hasn't he really consented to that?

It's not that there's a clear cut answer here but I think the problem is that a lot of people look for the easy and straight forward answers while ignoring the circumstances of the situation and relationship.  If he can opt out at any time, where is the power exchange?  Also, if it's too much for him he can always walk away (she won't be strong enough to physically prevent him from doing so). 

I assume that subs that are faced with something they cannot or will not handle will walk and Dommes that have subs that will not do what they want them to will dismiss them.  Under this understanding I believe it's a safe assumption to say that long-standing relationships that engage in morally gray material (in BDSM morality) probably have the overall consent to do so or they wouldn't be together.  If his greater needs are met he will sacrifice his lesser needs and pride.

It becomes more difficult as relationships change over time.  If a Domme all of a sudden instigates a new rule or activity out of the blue that go beyond what he is comfortable with, he then must make a difficult decision to go along with her wishes or to walk away.  Walking away can be very difficult at this point but he can also choose to increase his submission and trust that she will keep him out of harm's way.

Basically, I think with most single activities that people interpret as non-consensual, they overlook the fact that the circumstances behind the activity are consensual.

To stir the pot a little more I'm bringing up the idea of something I call covert conversion (which is a term I made up tonight).  I view covert conversion as the gradual and non-consensual injection of the D/s dynamic into a vanilla relationship.  While this is often seen with closet-submissives trying to get their wives into domination, I will focus upon when things happen in the other direction with women attempting to subjugate their male lover. 

If you are familiar with the writings of Elise Sutton (loving female authority), Georgeann Cross (sexual power for women), or Lady Misato (real women don't do housework), I consider the methods and philosophies outlined in their works to be of this type.  While each of these methodologies are a bit different, the general idea is similar:  use sexuality and sexual conditioning of the male in order to transform a standard relationship into a female led relationship.  I discovered some of this material very early on in my trip towards submission and found it intriguing, although I hadn't yet identified with it.

When I first entered the lifestyle I discussed the ideas of these writings with my girlfriend/Mistress and she was quite against them (she came from a BDSM-community background) for their lack of consent. 

All in all, I guess I had never viewed some of those methods that differently from a wife or girlfriend with-holding sex or acting bitchy towards her significant other in order to get her way on something or to show displeasure with his behavior.  I guess that's why it struck/strikes me as odd that they elicit such a strong response from many in the BDSM community.

Game of Chance: The last 52 weeks of chastity

I had meant to include this with my Games of Chance post but it didn't really fit into the flow.

This game of chance is something I read somewhere years ago.  Keep in mind that I'm not a huge chastity enthusiast nor do I condone permanent chastity unless both parties are very strongly in favor of it, but for some reason when I read this game it got me really turned on due to its unfair nature and the potential for mental anguish.

The scenario:  A submissive has one year in chastity before the belt will be locked on permanently.  Their weekly service/behavior will be evaluated and if it receives a passing grade they will receive the chance to be released for a single orgasm.

The rules:
Take a chastity belt (preferably high security), 52 envelopes, 2 working keys to their belt, and 50 keys that won't open the belt (these can be blanks, dummies in the envelope, etc. but I think the effect is greater if the key is the right size/length and will fit into the lock).  Place one key in each envelope and seal it in a manner where any tampering will be evident (or find a way to keep the envelopes away from the sub). 

At the end of each week the envelopes will be placed into a bin.  If the sub receives a passing grade for the week, he must draw an envelope and try to unlock the belt with the key.  If the key unlocks the belt he may masturbate until he cums and the belt will be locked back on.  If the sub receives a failing grade for the week, he must draw an envelope and it will be thrown away without being opened.


When all 52 envelopes have been opened or he has won two orgasms the belt will not be removed again.

I suppose this could be repeated on a yearly basis if the discarded keys were saved instead of destroyed/disposed of without having chastity shift to permanent, but permanence was how it was written out when I read about it.

I'm really not sure exactly why or how this turned me on, but I have a few guesses, most of which are rooted in my desires for deep submission and mind-fucking.

-The potential for only two orgasms per year (especially in the face of permanence) yields a particularly deep level of desperation, and as time passes he will likely reach a rather high strung and frantic state.

-The thought that the key that gets thrown away may have been one of the working keys ensures a strong level of obedience and any failing grade will feel absolutely crushing.  At the same time there's no chance to dwell on it since the next week's behavior cycle will have started and he has to bounce back in his behavior while carrying a pretty heavy mental burden.  This will happen every time he loses a key.


-"Winning" an orgasm is good but at the same time it means you will have one less chance at getting another orgasm in the future.  Winning the second orgasm is winning the last orgasm and is bitter-sweet, physical pleasure met with great mental anguish.

-She can be as strict as possible in her grading since she has nothing to lose but he has everything to lose.  He may have to push himself beyond what he ever thought possible.

The Domme can inflict extreme mental anguish with very little effort (it is all built up in his head).  The odds are so stacked against him (especially if she's very strict) that he'll be forced through the same turmoil on a weekly basis. 

It's interesting to contemplate "worst case" scenarios.  Not getting a single release in 52 weeks vs. getting both keys within the first few weeks.  The former provides the thrill of the gamble.  The latter yields no future hope. 

After giving it some more thought I think this would probably be more fun to do on an annual basis.  Not just because it's not permanent, but after the first 52 weeks the fun would be gone.

Sissies on the net

This is a bit of a rant... it's not targeted at anyone in particular but it may offend some...

I've written before about the sissy stigma and lately the reasons that I believe it exists have pretty much held true.  While there are a few parts of the stigma that affect my own blog, e.g. exchanging very good comments with readers/authors on other blogs but them taking no interest in my blog due to its title and/or my username, the bulk of them seem to stem back to community support and the success and failure of various sites and forums.

I get a little frustrated sometimes when I take part in a forced fem internet community via e-group or forum only to watch it slowly dwindle away due to lack of participation of its members.  It often seems to follow a familiar cycle:  if there isn't enough masturbation material, it fails.

On those sites, the active posters (that post at least once a week) is usually around 20 to 100 sissies for every 1 Dominant.  When a new Dom shows up (they are often pros seeking to recruit new clients) they may start off interacting but are soon flooded with requests for assignments and when they seek feedback from the sissies they are lucky to get much response at all.  Basically, there isn't a lot of motivation for them to keep on going.  In other cases they may be harassed via private message/email until they leave.

In other cases, a small core keeps the wheels turning but as any long-running kink-oriented internet group knows, eventually you can't just rehash the same fantasies over and over again and keep the older members interested.  In these cases the community is usually carried by personal interactions and members getting to know one another along with discussions on relevant topics of interest and/or just shooting the shit.  The problem is that very few sissies can just converse.  It's like they only went there to whack-off and if it doesn't lead to that they want no part of it.  I can understand that to some extent but at the same time they can't be disappointed at the lack of interaction or new content when people get bored.

I guess it's just frustrating to me that this cycle persists.  On this blog it's tough for me to keep up with ideas for new topics of discussion, especially when there is minimal feedback.  At least 50% of my posts have nothing to do with forced fem but the 50% that do keep away many.  The odd result is that the bulk of the comments I receive have nothing to do with sissies or forced fem yet the vast majority of my blog followers are here for sissy/forced fem material.

My advice to the sissies out there is to interact on the places you visit, balancing masturbation material and normal interactions.  Keeping the wheels turning is a group effort and it often seems like the few are carrying the many.

Games of Chance - Stacked in Her favor

In Lady Grey's most recent entry she mentioned an inclusion of a dice roll to determine a certain punishment severity.

Using games of chance in D/s activities has been something I've thought and fantasized about a lot over the years.  There's just something about random chance that touches my submissive psyche.  It doesn't matter how stacked the odds are because as long as there's a chance, no matter how slim, you will always hold some hope for a positive outcome.  This seems to happen even if your mind has resigned itself to losing and every cognitive cell in your brain knows it won't happen, that glimmer of hope always manages to burn deep down inside you... and when that hope is inevitably crushed, you fall quickly and surrender.

Hitting on a 16 in black jack.  Needing one card for a flush or a straight in poker.  Betting any single number in roulette.  They all represent odds that are stacked against you.  When we gamble, we willingly accept those odds and the risks and accept that it is "fair," since every participant (besides the house) holds the same odds of success or failure when faced with a similar situation.

This is where Femdom gets so deliciously unfair.  The Domme is always the house and she can make the rules.  It can be stacked in her favor and as long as there is some chance that he can "win," the process of hope and despair will repeat itself.

There are two types of ways this can be exploited:
-A bad outcome vs. a more bad outcome.
-A bad outcome vs. a good outcome.

For the first type, the odds can be more fair since it's a lose/lose worse situation.  Rolling dice, drawing a card out of a deck, etc. all work well here.

For the second type, the odds can be completely unfair since there are more positive stakes available to him.  Rolling 1 die vs. 3 dice (her roll), playing poker where he gets 5 cards and she gets 10, and so forth can work here.

Being creative with both the game and the stakes can ensure the sub will ride a strong emotional roller coaster.

A sub's Consent: Sacrifice and Trade-offs

This is probably similar to a post I've made in the past, but these ideas seem to be brought up repeatedly over the course of the comments I read on other blogs as well as my own.

Often some questions/comments are raised about experiences or ideas along these lines:
"Is it right to subject the sub to that without his consent?"
"It can't be emotionally health if..."
"I don't understand how any sub could be happy if..."

I think the answers lie in each sub's priority of needs and being able to separate what constitutes a need vs. a preference.

Referring to my previous post, Styles and Intensities of Femdom Relationships, subs that have a true desire for each intensity level tend to be fairly representative of the frequency in which those relationships exist (I do think there are more subs that believe they wish for greater intensity but then would reject it if it developed).

They way I see it is that there's very few subs out there that really want to be submissive.  At some point in time submission became part of their inherent sexual drive and it became inseparable.  I believe this is what separates a submissive from a bottom.  A bottom can turn the need for domination off.  A submissive cannot.  One could argue against this but I don't know many who would willingly choose to have D/s become integrated into their sexuality.  Similarly, I don't know any men that would choose to be gay and live a difficult life of public ridicule and threat on a daily basis.  Because of this, I consider submission to be a need as by quenching that need we accept the potential labels of pervert, sexual deviant, freak, etc. and find the number of women he is attractive to (and attracted to) to be greatly diminished.

In essence, the primary need of any submissive is the need to submit to someone that dominates.  As a submissive, your greatest need is to relinquish power and control to someone who will exert power and control over you.  How far does this go? 

A submissive must believe in his needs.  He must also believe that the Dominant is the greater power. "How submissive" a person is can be reflected in the sacrifices they are willing to make to meet those needs and submit to her power.

In a perfect world he could meet a woman who shared the exact same kinks/desires and they would simply mesh together in perfect harmony.  While this happens on occasion, in most cases it does not and in some cases, where an individual craves deep submission/domination, it is the lack of harmony that can take them to that next level.


Referring back to my previous post, a submissive that craves relationships of type 1 and 2 likely will not sacrifice (nor be willing to sacrifice) much to enter into that relationship.  This is just fine and in most cases it's the realistic and responsible decision to make.  Some kinky sex and some outward displays of devotion and affection are often all that is needed for both parties to be happy.

For subs that need a deeper level of submission and greater level of strictness from the Domme the lines get a bit blurred.  I think the idea of forced feminization is a good example of this.  A sub with a fetish for being forced to cross dress requires a Dominant that wishes to force that upon him.  This situation requires him to relinquish his right to choose what he wears.  She is given the power to choose what he wears and when, regardless of his wishes at the time.

Basically, to meet his submissive needs he consents to having his personal wishes ignored and her decisions forced upon him.  He consents to her forcing her will upon him non-consensually and/or by the threat of punishment/dismissal.  By doing so, he meets his greater need by giving up his momentary rights.  This may seem quite dysfunctional to some but at the same time, it's the only route for him to get what he wants.

This situation could be planned out when and where this will happen beforehand and have a healthier core.  At the same time there are aspects of the sub's desires that may or may not be met with this.  If he has an out and a choice, is it really forced?  Is he okay with role play or does it have to be full on?

This is the case for nearly every intense D/s activity.  There is an ideal relationship where both parties are on exactly the same page and all actions and activities are mutually pleasurable.  As the intensity grows it becomes more difficult for the Dominant to "turn off" those behaviors.  There-in lies the compromise.  A sub that needs very intense dominance must be prepared to deal with very dominant women.

Is it bad to accept the ramifications of extreme dominance in order to meet the need for extreme submission?

I can't answer that for certain but I can say that it's not always bad and not always good.

All I can say is that if he entered the situation with both eyes open and aware of the potential, I don't think it's fair to judge the outcome beyond his level of happiness and fulfillment. 

Styles and Intensities of Femdom Relationships

Some of the comments both on this blog and on other blogs I follow got me thinking a bit about the different styles and types of Femdom relationships you'll find.  There's a kabillion flavors of Femdom relationships (and D/s relationships in general) and the more understanding there is of each type allows for greater understanding of types that might not be appealing to you, but that may be what others want or need.

1.  Casual.  This style of Femdom relationship often is limited only to the bedroom with kinky play or sexual activities where the woman behaves as the top.  In these relationships there may be some D/s interaction outside of the bedroom but it is mostly limited to chivalrous behavior and/or chore duties, etc.  In these relationships most of the D/s interaction has probably been pre-negotiated or explored together out of love for the other.

I believe this type covers the majority of existing Femdom D/s relationships.

2.  Regular.  This style of Femdom relationship usually reaches deeper into every-day life.  You can expect some mild rituals and routines to be performed by the sub, but the sub still remains an autonomous individual that retains a public persona including a social life.  The woman is always the top in the bedroom and her needs and wishes take priority in the course of their lives.  The sub contributes a lot to the relationship on a personal level and it is usually a mutual understanding of needs and emotions that keeps things going.  These relationships are usually pre-negotiated or mutually "grown to" between a couple with similar desires.

This is the last level that many people would consider emotionally healthy.

3.  Intense.  This style of Femdom relationship extends well beyond the bedroom and encompasses nearly every aspect of daily lives.  The woman's wishes dictate the course of the relationship and the submissive is expected to make great sacrifices in order to meet her needs.  He still retains a personal life but the extent of his freedom is often inconsistent depending upon her requirements and expectations at any given time.  Rituals and routines are fairly common here.  Most activities would fall into the realm of consent but occasionally they may press any limits on the sub's part.

4.  24-7.  To start this off, I'll repeat my favorite definition of 24-7.  24-7 is not Femdom ALL the time, but it is Femdom at ANY time.  This style of relationship is basically the same as #3 but kicked up a notch.  In these cases the interaction behaviors are very similar but the submissive's life revolves around the demands of the Domme.  His autonomy may vary greatly but in most cases it can be expected that he will be kept occupied with his daily duties that he has very little personal time left on most days.  The sub retains the individual parts of himself but understands that his outside desires take a very back seat to everything else.  In these relationships subs usually have very few limits and he can expect any that he does have to be regularly pressed.

5.  Extreme.  This level describes the most extreme levels of Femdom.  This is where things like slave/Mistress relationships exist and a sub is willing to undergo any and all expectations the Domme may have of him.  He likely has no personal life beyond his Domme (except possibly for a job) and doesn't have any expectations of pleasure beyond his D/s needs.  She is his world and doesn't seek anything beyond this.

As with most subcultures, as the intensity builds the frequency declines.  If I had to make an estimation, the breakdown of each category frequency would probably be something along the lines of:
1.  80%
2.  15%
3.  4.5%
4.  0.49%
5.  0.01%

I'm not going to judge any of these situations as right/wrong or superior/inferior.  It's more that I acknowledge that they all exist in varying forms and that in most situations, both parties prefer the type of relationship they have and its intensity.  If anything, I'd find that more submissive men would wish their relationship to be more intense than she does in most cases.

Newest drawing and a little update

From some of the comments both here and on some of the blogs and forums I follow I have a few posts I plan to make when I can free up the time.  I have about 5 partial entries that I hope to finish up soon in regards to them. 


I completed my latest drawing the other night.  I plan to practice my shading work in the near future.  I've found it's easier to work from vector art templates to do mouths and eyes.  The process on creating those as vector art is very time consuming and I doubt I could do better than what already exists out there to borrow from.  This was a bit more grand of an endeavor considering it has more than two people in it.  I do hope that the spirit of what I was trying to convey outweighs my amateurish execution.

More drawing practice

Well... I keep drawing but I'm not really getting any better... just faster.

I guess I have to actually learn some fundamentals and train in them in order to make some progress but for the time being I'm just messing around with things I want to draw.

This drawing is based upon an advertisement for a coat I saw.  I drew it with and without a hat.

Xmas

50th Follower

My blog finally hit the 50 follower mark today. 

Thank you to everyone that reads and posts comments.  This makes me feel a bit happy.

New Drawing: Sissy Aerobics

I've been working on this one for a few days and wasn't quite sure how I was going to finish it up until tonight.

It's my first drawing with a caption.  If there's positive feedback I'll caption more of them (and possibly add some to my older drawings).  If not, I'll stick to just drawings.

I'm not quite happy with how the Domme's hair turned out but I don't feel like spending more time on it.

Punishment Log

A recent posting at the blog Forever Hers got me thinking a bit about some experiences I had with my first Mistress.

Since our relationships suffered from the same ups and downs that any relationship goes through, we weren't always in the right mood to keep the D/s dynamic going all the time, but she had a method of keeping track of my behavior when things were both "on" and "off." 

Early on she had instituted a punishment log, which was a journal she used to record my infractions in, especially during the early periods of my training.  In its original form each time I broke a rule it would earn a check-mark in the book along with a date/time and what I did to earn it.  At some point in time she would decide to punish me and each check mark was "worth" two spankings with a paddle (e.g. 20 strokes would cross out 10 check marks). 

At first she used this for several reasons:
-To make sure no infraction went unpunished.
-To weed out bad habits on my part.
-To avoid feeling guilty when she wanted to hit me.

Some early reasons for a check mark were things like not addressing her as Mistress or forgetting to ask permission to go to the bathroom. 

As our relationship progressed and the "new car smell" faded away our moods began to vary across a more normal spectrum and the amount of time she wasn't in Domme mode began to increase.  Some very stressful things also happened that ended up causing a great deal of strain on our relationship.  Around this time the punishment log began to evolve a bit.

While it still encompassed the normal rules during our D/s times she began to incorporate it into the more vanilla times as well, basically citing any time she felt my attitude drift away from the priority structure of our relationship (which is a fancy way of saying that she started recording the times that I was acting selfish).  Also, instead of simply using a single check mark she began to write out values for things she felt were worse offenses.  e.g. if we got into an argument and I pissed her off she might value that at 50 spankings.  I had to be really careful at times like these since she tended to get a bit trigger happy with the log book when she was angry.


Overall I think it was a pretty good idea to use the log.  It was quite cathartic to her and allowed her to let go of her anger when she knew that I would be punished for it later.  At other times she would let me know I had earned a mark and it would be enough for me to realize my attitude was poor and turn things around before it got worse. 

Bondage Devices: Puppy Restraints & Symbolism

I'm not a fan of puppy play but early on in my journey into the BDSM lifestyle the idea was introduced to me and the foreign idea of puppy restraints were described.  It took a while before I actually saw them and although they were pretty much exactly like the mental picture I had of them, I was still a bit fascinated by them in a couple of different ways.

For those who aren't familiar with puppy restraints, there's two primary devices that generally encompass puppy play.  The first are the actual puppy restraints.  These consist of a leather strap that wraps around the cock and balls.  On the strap are a one or two O-rings.  There are also a pair of wrist and ankle cuffs.  Each pair of cuffs is connected by a chain and the chain is threaded through an O-ring on the cock and ball strap.  The general purpose of the restraints is to keep the sub on his knees, unable to extend his arms or legs.  He can crawl but if he extends one arm (or leg), the other arm (or leg) is pulled closer to his balls.

Basically, he can't stand up, nor use more than one arm at a time.

The other common bondage devices of puppy play are fist mitts.  Fist mitts are a pair of leather bondage mittens that buckle around the wrist hold the wearer's hands in a closed position and restrict the thumb from being used.  The idea being that the wearer's hands become useless and uncoordinated, limiting any attempt at ordinary hand usage.

It took a bit of thought for me to discover just what drew me in so strongly to these items even when I have no desire for puppy play.  I soon realized that it was the original descriptions I had heard long before seeing them and the symbolic association they held that had my mind racing so out of control.  I'm sure some readers will say I am over-analyzing this but that's just how my mind works :)

With puppy restraints (aside from just using them for puppy play), it's the idea that to use one limb, you must give up the other limb.  Freedom can't be taken granted.  Attempted motion beyond what you are allowed will cause pain or discomfort to your genitals.  I've found this to be consistent with my views on the sacrifices one makes in submission.  Any gains are met with equal or greater loss.  In turn, the Domme can continuously inflict suffering and a physical manifestation of the give/take nature by simply placing her sub in the restraints for a period of time.

Fist mitts hold allure on a different level (in a way that isn't puppy play).  Why would a Domme put a sub in fist mitts?  Because she can.  His life just became infinitely more difficult trying to do anything and your hands just basically became stumps.  A fun idea if you enjoy cruelty.

I've learned from experiences that I prefer strict limits to the push and pull of the sliding chain.  I've had situations similar to the puppy restraints as well as motion limited with a chain run through a collar, belt, etc. where extending one hand pulls the other hand back.  I'm not sure why exactly but if faced with these options I tend to prefer bondage that involves second one:

-A 12" chain run through a ring, each end connected to one wrist restraint.
-Each wrist connected to a ring by a 6" chain. 

It's been a while...

Sorry I haven't posted anything for a while.  I was out of town and then sick and then super busy with things and I haven't had all that much time to think about things, write about them, or draw them.  Not much going on in terms of femdom stuff aside from it getting really cold and Mistress has brought her furs out.

I have some ideas for future posts and drawings that I'm mulling over right now.

For now, here is a drawing that I finished tonight.

Drawing Practice 2

This was my second attempt for today.

It is extremely frustrating for me to struggle with things but I know this is just part of the process.  Another two or three hundred hours and there will probably be some significant improvements hehe.  All this to be able to draw a more cruel looking Domme and a more distraught looking sub.

I'm also guessing it's fairly obvious by now at my lack of knowledge/understanding of how women actually wear make-up :P

Drawing practice

 I've wanted to work on eyes, mouths, and facial expressions/shading.  This is a practice tracing to see if I could do the types of shading I was hoping for and learning how to detail eyes/mouths, etc. It didn't turn out very well but it is a slight improvement and it helped me understand some of the techniques involved.  I'll probably have to do a lot of these before I start figuring it out.

Haunting Thought: Special Cruelty

Queen Goddess at the blog I am Her Maine sub posted a recounting of sissifying her husband.

If you've read a lot of my posts since I started you probably know I have a great appreciation for mind-fucking and that "killer instinct" that a Domme has towards dominating her sub.  A few weeks ago I was reading one of the posts there and came upon this paragraph describing their first public outing (driving around).

I have quoted it here:
"The closer we got the more she fidgeted. I have to admit that she was pretty passable from afar and I felt pretty comfortable but poor little Daphne was sweating like pig. Her mouth was dry and she was white as a sheet. I said to her since you are so parched we need to get you something to drink and pulled into a drive thru and ordered a few ice coffees. I guess they may have got a glimpse of Daphne but by the look on her face you would have thought I had her laid out on the hood. As I pulled away I stopped for a minute and ran my hands over her cute little short shorts. Her clit was totally soft which told me I was getting the response I was looking for. This was for my enjoyment not hers."

I can say as a sub it is very difficult to describe exactly what kind of cruelty "does it" for me, but the last three sentences absolutely capture a very special type of cruelty that I have only experienced a couple of times in my life and reading this made me drift into subspace.

It's hard to describe and understand it but I think it's the mix of intense suffering under complete control... but hey, I'm not completely sure :)

Haunting Thought: Roles - Unconditional Love & Strict Disciplinarian

Several years ago I was watching the movie, "Best in Show" with my Mistress at the time and a particular scene came on that has stayed in my memory since then.

If you aren't familiar with that movie, it was done by Christopher Guest and it's basically a fake documentary about the dog show circuit.  It's basically "This is Spinal Tap" but with dog shows instead of a rock band.

In the movie there's a scene where they're interviewing a lesbian couple.  This stands out to me for a couple of reasons.  Firstly, the femme lesbian is wearing a fur headband/bonnet type of thing and when we saw it Mistress said she thought I would look good in one of those.  Secondly, the dialogue.

The dialogue from this scene reads as follows:
Christy Cummings: It's interesting, we have kind of a family dynamic going on here which pretty much mirrors what I grew up with, I'm the mommy slash daddy, the taskmaster, the disciplinarian.
Sherri Ann Cabot: Mr. Punishment over here.
Christy Cummings: But I also reward and Sherri Ann is responsible for the unconditional love.


These lines really stuck with me as to how I felt about the D/s lifestyle and the roles I envisioned.  She was my taskmaster/disciplinarian and granter of rewards while I was her unconditional love.  It was an odd day and I still blush when I think about it.

Emasculation Tool: Tears

If you have been active in the lifestyle for a while you have probably seen or been a part of a situation where a Domme made a sub cry.

While this might be fairly easy with the right kind of pain, what about making it happen in the absence of pain? 

Some comments by Clarence on one of my earlier posts as well as Lady Grey's post, The Big Take-Away got me thinking about this topic a bit.

I've known quite a few Dommes over the years that get off by making a sub cry (although it's not always guilt-free on her part).  Guilt aside, I think the act of a man crying at a woman's hand is one of the ultimate forms of emasculation.  I have been made to cry during D/s activities on more than one occasion and I've been able to understand that (at least in my case) a sub's tears are the last resistance before surrender. 

This got me thinking about how to make a sub cry without the use of physical pain.  This might take the form of severe chastisement/scolding, the threat of something bad/terrible, or the knowledge of loss before the actual sense of loss has set in.

Breaking down a sub with words is fairly easy and can often stray into the realm of dishonesty or verbal abuse, but all in all, it's a fairly straight-forward idea.  Making a sub cry via threat or loss takes a bit more creativity on the Domme's part.  Basically, it takes a pretty significant mind-fuck. 

Threats are interesting but in order to be effective they must be believable.  "I'll take pictures of you dressed as a girl and post them on the internet and email all of your friends and family" might be possible, but in cases of an LTR both parties will wish to protect some semblance of privacy so that might not be a credible threat.  The best threats tend to be based upon actual experiences.  If you have him do something terribly painful or humiliating, the threat of repeating that activity might be enough.  This might be a very severe beating or some public humiliation.  If you practice a chastity lifestyle this might also serve as fuel. 

If the past experience was bad enough, it should be ingrained in his memory and probably carry some mild post-traumatic stress symptoms.  If a Domme is consistently strict, the mere mention of this activity and the implication that it will happen may bring him to tears.  These tears are an act of resistance, if it was surrender he would likely just nod or answer in compliance. 

The downside with threats is that they will eventually have to come true or they will lose their power.  To keep them alive the terrible activity will have to happen often enough to make its threat scarily real.

The knowledge of loss vs. the actual sense of loss is a bit more complicated.  It's easiest to illustrate with an example.  Let's say as a punishment she informs him that he will not be allowed to orgasm for a year and pulls out a Neosteel (or similar) chastity belt.  His immediately reaction might be to beg and/or to weep and cry.  These tears are shed at the knowledge of loss and attempt to prevent it and are very different tears than the tears he may shed 6 months down the road when he is still 6 months away from an orgasm with no chance of release. 

The key to instigating this type of tears is to key in on things that are important to him.  Cruel?  Sure.  Effective?  Yes. 

Courting Tips: Avoiding the Second Childhood

This is my first "real post" in quite a while... the first time my head has been clear enough to write something... :)

The "typical male fantasy" when it comes to Femdom often overwhelms newer Dommes, especially in cases where a vanilla wife/girlfriend discovers her lover is a closet submissive that wants her to be Dominant. 

One of the biggest negatives that women often face is the thought that she will have to do too much and have to work too hard in order to live up to what she feels he expects of her (and what may have been portrayed to her in fetish fiction, websites, etc.). One example of this is the thought that her independent equal will be reduced to a helpless, childlike state.  While there are Dommes out there that love to micro-manage or act as a cold-hearted slave-driver unleashing her inner prison guard, in my experiences these cases are quite rare.  In most cases, the thought of having to instruct her sub on how to dress, what to eat, when to go to the bathroom, watch over him to make sure his tasks are completed, etc. are probably laborious and tedious. 


One of the keys in maintaining a healthy, long-term relationship is to recognize how to balance autonomous action with control.

In many ways a sub may be very much like a child.  A few examples might be:
-Limited freedoms. 
-Rules to follow.
-Household chores.
-Rewards and punishments.

-A curfew or checking-in.
-An allowance.
-Must answer to an authority figure.

However, unlike children, subs shouldn't need a baby sitter.  A submissive is an adult that should be fully capable of functioning independently if needed, the only difference being the parameters of freedom.  Basically, they must behave responsibly like an adult but without the freedom of an adult.  This breaks down the common male fantasy in many ways but makes things more realistic to integrate into a lifestyle.  It is also what separates children from adults.

If a Domme orders the sub to clean the bathroom, she shouldn't need to oversee him or constantly check-up on him to make sure he is doing a good job and not screwing around (unless cracking the whip while he scrubs gets her off). 

I think this is one of the keys to maintaining most D/s relationships, especially ones that are in their infancy.  It's up to the sub to relinquish freedom while still maintaining a true level of responsibility.

Latest drawing

Here is my latest drawing.  I started with a base picture and built my own silhouette around it.  It took a bit more work since I had to add the body parts that weren't included in the original picture.  I also tried to do more with hair, although it didn't turn out how I wanted it to and my hair-drawing abilities still rank feeble at best.

I hope you enjoy it.  I included the original picture I used for the base as well.  It's basically the same jacket that was in my previous one... and it's a style that I absolutely love.

Yet another drawing

I just really haven't felt like writing much lately... that's not to say there aren't things that I need to sort out... it's just that I don't really see a positive conclusion that I could reach and it's really a downer emotionally.

So... I'll just keep on drawing until I find myself in a better place in my mind.

Tonight I did an experiment and created my own silhouette to build upon from a picture that I've had saved for years.  It's one of my favorites and I stumbled upon it before I had ever entered the BDSM lifestyle so it has quite a bit of sentimental value in that regards.

I know it's not the most creative thing in the world... to basically copy something that has already been done but I enjoyed doing it and I think it has turned out better than anything else I have done so far (although I still suck at drawing hair).  I added legs and a sub kneeling at her feet in the same outfit that I posted a few drawings ago.  You can use your imagination as to what she is having him do with his mouth.

I have included the original photo as a comparison.

Next drawing

Thanks to everyone for the support so far.

I'm probably going to stick to portrait-type drawings until I improve my skills a bit but I figured I'd post something a bit more "scene-ish."

More drawing

I promise I'll respond to comments in the next day or two.  This is another pic I did last night... and it ended up being a pain in the ass and took about 4 hours longer than I wanted it to.  Thanks for the feedback so far.

Another drawing

I still plan to reply to comments soon but I wanted to post this drawing that I finished this morning.

This is a design of a winter coat and outfit that I had pictured for my Mistress.  I'm not quite as happy as I could be with how it turned out, but hopefully my artistic skills will improve over time if I keep practicing. 

Drawing

A few weeks ago I picked up a drawing tablet for my computer.  It's something I've wanted for years but didn't buy one until now.

I'm good at a lot of things, but sadly, drawing never has been one of them.  Over the years I've always wished I was a more talented artist since there were many ideas and scenarios I've had go through my mind or dreams that I wanted to be able to share in a visual format.   I have done some sketches here and there but I'm usually very ashamed of my poor drawing ability.  Learning to do artwork on the computer has always appealed to me since I don't end up rubbing through the paper from erasing so many times and there's lots of existing art to build off of.

Over the years my Mistresses have often wanted certain serving outfits that just didn't exist in any form without having to make them ourselves or commission someone to make them for us.  Since getting the drawing pad and some new software I've entered the realm of vector-based art... which is an entirely new thing to me.  Since I've needed a mental escape from some of the more emotional things going on right now I've been killing time messing around with drawings and figuring out the new software during some of my free time. 

My first attempt at a drawing was a D/s scenario that I tried to do free-hand.  Unfortunately I'm rather terrible at drawing accurate body proportions and I just wasn't happy with how that was turning out so I decided to try a few new pictures using a vector silhouette as a starting point, modifying it a bit, and then filling in the details over it.

While I'm very self-conscious about my drawings, I figured an anonymous place like an anonymous blog is probably a place that I can share it without getting my feelings crushed too badly.

Just to get my neurosis out of the way...

I know I'm terrible at (and trying to get better at):
-shading
-drawing faces (especially eyes and mouthes)
-accurate body proportions
-drawing hands and feet

The original art for this is much bigger and I didn't realize just how much detail would be lost when I shrunk/compressed it so a few details that might not be clear:
-Yes, that is supposed to be a CB-2000.
-The chain across the chest is attached to nipple rings and the letters spelling "Sissy Boi" are supposed to be letter-shaped charms dangling from the chain.
-The belt is padlocked on.

I just found the command to easily outline things so I converted another version with borders around everything.  If you think one looks better than the other, please let me know.

If anyone has any feedback or requests, please let me know.  All I ask is to please keep criticism constructive.

A little update

Well, it's been a while since I logged into my blog... probably the longest I've gone without logging in since I started it back in April.

Over the past few weeks life has been rocky at best and almost unbearable at its worst.  Mistress and I have had quite a few heavy arguments and there has been a few times where we almost broke up and there was a stretch there where that seemed almost inevitable.

We have agreed to try to work through things but our lives haven't stabilized yet in regards to that.  I'm still a bit conflicted in my head right now and just haven't had the desire to write. 

I will try to catch up on my reading of other blogs and respond to all of the comments left here soon.

Shopping

Things are a bit rocky right now but Mistress and I managed to go out shopping a few days ago.

Each year we go out looking for a coat or two for her and build an entire wardrobe around it with coordinating gloves, boots, hat/headband, scarf, purse, etc.  Some years are better than others for what we find, especially when it comes to finding good deals.  We can dedicate a modest budget to this endeavor each year but sometimes we get lucky with sales/clearances and end up being able to afford two or three coats/outfits for her. 

We were able to find a coat or two that fit her style but not in her size.  The search will continue.

We did stumble upon a few items that she picked out for me.  She knows it pushes my buttons because when she approaches me with it and says something I'm unable to talk and I turn red.  This year's women's winter clothing seems to be a mix of some odd downplayed colors, diva-bling, and some very frou frou items.  She tends to prefer dressing me in the latter so I usually know what to expect.

At one store she found a pair of pink faux fur leg warmers.  Neither of us really care for faux but once she saw them I knew we weren't leaving without buying them.  At another store we found a few items, first was a pair of off-white mittens trimmed with white fur and a matching off-white hat trimmed with white fur.  After some deliberation she decided to pass on those since we already have a lot of similar items and she picked out a pair of huge, fluffy baby blue fox fur earmuffs.  She held them up over my head to put them on me and then laughed when she saw me cringe and rubbed the fur on my face while calling me a sissy.  She then said, "I think we're going to get you baby blue this year," and we ended up getting the earmuffs.

When we got back she made me model them for her until she had to get ready for work, when she had me lay on the bed face down while she gave me a spanking and then had to leave.

How Things Change

I realized this past weekend just how much my daily mindset has changed since I first started writing this blog.  I kind of regret bursting out my first 40 posts or so before I really had many readers.  I think a few of those earlier posts would be useful to some of you out there.  If you find any that you would like me to re-post, please let me know here or by email.

When I first started writing it was for catharsis and understanding.  Now that I have written quite a bit and come to terms with many of the emotions that had confused me before, I find myself craving input and comments from others to find inspiration for writing.  Thank you to everyone who has posted comments or emailed me, those are the things that seem to keep me going. 

Adjusting Our Arrangement

As I wrote a couple of posts ago, Mistress and I  have been going through some hard times on a relationship level. The fire hadn't been burning for quite some time.  After several discussions and a few arguments that almost led to us breaking up in the past week, we were finally able to communicate a bit and reach some common ground and understanding, and the spark managed to relight a bit.

We went out shopping and when we returned Mistress put on the sweater I got for her last X-mas and jumped my bones.  I fell into a pretty hard subspace and in that state I fell into the person that she has wanted me to be (and she let me know that).  Then I tried to talk about things, honestly, from my submissive state.

While we have been together for several years, I have a few more years worth of BDSM experience having served several Mistresses in the past before I met her.  She was rather new when we met and she doesn't have a large repository of experiences with other subs to draw from in terms of techniques or continuous lifestyle dominance.  She has tried a few things in the past that didn't work very well and they seemed to have shattered her confidence to the point where she was unwilling to do much or say much about her needs.  The reason I'm mentioning this now is because it will hopefully clarify a bit what happened next.

When we started to talk it became abundantly clear that she sought out ways to make me be this way more consistently.  I had been craving this subspace for what felt like months and I did what my gut told me to do, which was to lay out a road map to help guide her.  This was received and appreciated by her.  I know it was pretty much topping from the bottom, but at the same time it was what she wanted me to do:  open up and tell her what things put me and kept me in subspace. 

I was intoxicated with the moment, my love for her, and the submissive feelings that I crave so much that I just started to say some things even though I knew in my head I will likely regret many of the things I told her.

1.  Do not pay any attention to my penis during play.  While I get very aroused during play and enjoy having sexual pleasure, once I hit a certain level of arousal it tends to cloud my head and my priority becomes finding a way to climax more than pleasuring her.  While my orgasms always wait until after hers, over the past year or so, she has started to tease my cock too early into the play session for me to remain in a state that is dominated by submission rather than arousal.  My advice was to ignore my cock (or even lock it up in chastity) and to focus on her own things.  If she caught me playing with myself at all during play I told her to flip me over and spank me (which is something she really enjoys doing). 

2.  Play shouldn't always end with my orgasm.  I shouldn't orgasm during play.  Post orgasm I go into the standard exhausted/selfish state that men are prone to.  If she wants me to be more affectionate after play I just shouldn't orgasm.  During the times that we are very sexually active I tend to have problems with plumbing backups that lead to blue balls/pain.  My orgasms should be used only ease that state or prevent it from becoming too painful.  I also asked her to come up with some form of ritual or circumstances in order to make my orgasms a shameful experience (which is more likely to avoid sub drop in its aftermath).

I had reached a state of swollen discomfort by the time I had made her orgasm a dozen times or so, so she did allow me to orgasm afterward.  She had me wear a pink hat with a fur pom pom and had me masturbate into the toilet while she twisted my nipples.  About two minutes after orgasm it donned on me what I had told her and I was thinking "I don't think I really want that."  It's weird, because deep down I do know I really want that, but I also don't want it. 

I realize now that I hadn't talked about those ideas before even though I knew my submissive side wanted them.  Usually I would hit such an aroused state where it went beyond the point of submission and I really wanted to cum. 

In my previous relationships this wasn't as much of an issue since they were a bit more well-versed in lifestyle dominance and most days were kept full of surprises and kink.  I shouldn't really try to over-think it I guess, just see how things go and try to work from there.

The Matching Game

Some entries by Mistress at Forever Hers and Queen Goddess at I am Her Maine Sub got me thinking back to some of my experiences over the years. 

When I was with one of my previous Mistresses we used to shop a lot.  I enjoyed shopping with her and helping her pick out her clothes and/or finding gifts for her.  She would ask for my opinions and I would give her my honest reactions, so many of her clothes were things that she knew I thought looked sexy on her.

We were very much in love and when I'm in love I have a tendency to get a bit playful.  She would describe it as bratty and she would let me do it because it would fire her up and she enjoyed beating the brat out of me (which happened quite often).  Because this often happened in public and it would be a while until we could be alone she began carrying some punishment items along with her on our trips.  Sometimes these were new surprise items that she had purchased without me and other times it was something we already owned, but she always let me know about them and they served as a looming threat to keep me in line (or if she got turned on enough and her dominance kicked into gear).  It might have been a pair of panties she would order me to go put on in the public bathroom or something more flagrant like a pair of pink earmuffs or a pink beanie. 

Even if I wasn't acting up she would sometimes try on a new pair of leather gloves or a pair of boots that got her very turned on and the punishment item would get pulled out.  In these cases I either had to wear them or was allowed to keep them in my pocket but she would decide we should go shopping for some matching items... perfectly matching.  As you probably know, with the exception of true white and true black, just about every color has thousands of variations of shades and hues.  This made this "game" rather difficult.

She might put a pair of pink fuzzy angora gloves on my hands and we would then go shopping for a matching scarf and hat.  Well, it was more like I would go shopping while she watched me.  I would be browsing the women's winter items and have to hold the item and compare its color against the color of the gloves and find something that was a perfect match (and hope that no one else would see me doing it).  This might take nine or ten stores to find something close.  Close was dreadful because she wouldn't give an opinion on it and she would tell me "that's what sales girls are for," implying that if I needed reassurance that I had to approach one.  *Studies have shown that women are much more sensitive to small color discrepancies than men are. 

After a few trips where this happened she began planning it out more thoroughly and making things more difficult.  She might have me wear a pink or purple turtleneck sweater and while I was allowed to wear a coat over it, she would then have me shop for some other items to match it (e.g. tights) so I would have to open my coat to compare.  Needless to say that barely opening your coat to hold an item against your shirt to compare the color looks a lot like shoplifting.  She began to add other stipulations and criteria, like the items had to be of a similar style/attitude and shopping trips to gather entire outfits soon began happening.  Luckily not every item needed to be a perfect match, but they still had to be a common hue, differing only in shade.  e.g. a Dark Pink sweater could be accessorized with Light Pink mittens, scarf, and hat as long as the hues matched.  After a while, she wouldn't even make a list but she expected me to come up with everything we would need to complete the outfit.  If I left something out it was bad news (luckily I'm a fast learner).

In many cases, I wasn't able to find matching items and she would punish me afterward with a sound beating and some corner time. 

In hindsight, recalling this story arouses me but actually remembering how it felt to do this, these trips were really terrifying and unpleasant and didn't arouse me at all.  When she noticed that I didn't get aroused when the humiliation hit a certain point she would tease me even more. 

I think the repetition of these events spoke a lot about her type of dominance.  She loved to watch me suffer.  She loved to know how much mental anguish she was inflicting on me.  She loved it when I would cry afterward and curl up next to her and lay my head on her thigh.  She loved punishing me for failing to meet her demands.  She loved that I would over-anticipate some of her expectations and end up humiliating myself because of it.   I really did love her.

A few other examples of matching game items that we did, some of these were over the course of months/years.  Also keep in mind that none of these were ever anything close to what she would ever consider wearing:
-Starting item:  Pink Fur Earmuffs   Coordinating items:  Pink Fur Scarf, Pink Fur-Trimmed Gloves, Pink Fur Vest, a Lighter Shade of Pink Beanie, a Sweater to match the Beanie, Leggings that matched the sweater/beanie, Boots that matched the gloves, a Darker shade of Pink Skirt, a Purse that matched the skirt, and Light Pink Boots.
-Starting item: Fuschia Spandex Mini-Skirt.  Coordinating items:  Lighter Shade of Neon Pink Spandex Top, Fuschia Gloves, Fuschia Arm Warmers, Lighter Shade of Neon Pink Leggings, Fuschia Leg Warmers, Fuschia Beanie, Fuschia Canvas Shoes, and a tiny backpack. 

Repeat similar types of outfits in White, Off-White, Lavender, Baby Blue, and about 5 more shades of pink.