More adventures in chastity: Holy Trainer V2

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote anything of a chastity device review (January 2012).

This past week I was able to get a good deal on a (legit) Holy Trainer v2 chastity device.  Nearly everything I had read about this device has been positive with a handful of gripes about security, which is bound to happen with anything that isn't a full belt or doesn't involve a piercing.

I've touched on it a bit before but I own a Houdini knock off, a CB-2000, CB-3000, CB-6000, and CB-6000S (that I purchased when they made it available cage only).  Also, as much as I hate talking about my junk, this will only be helpful to others if I put it out there.

Basically, every part of my sexual anatomy does NOT want to work with chastity devices:

1. Uncircumcised.
2. I'm a "grower" not a "show-er".  The magnitude is in the realm of 3-4X increase.
3. I have an extremely high and tight scrotum.
4. Asymmetric testicles (one is bigger). 
5. I have a layer of baby fat on my pelvis that has never gone away (even when I was fit/trim).  It is sort of like having the penis sticking through a 1/2" thick pillow.  The base sits below the surface and if you press it down in one spot, the other side will rise.  This skin never "toughens up." 

Combine all these factors together and you have the perfect storm of wasted money and frustration from devices that don't fit.  I enjoy the exquisite frustration of chastity but I have never found something that I could wear comfortably for more than a few hours.  Most of the other experiments ended either with a bruised testicle from being able to pull through in a bad way or if I was able to configure them to avoid that, they inevitably led to wounds on the scrotum or pelvic skin (#5).

I really really really wanted the Holy Trainer to work.

I have only positive things to say about the ring.  Unlike the CB-X000 line devices that have a perfectly round ring, the Holy Trainer's ring is contoured in its shape to actually fit the male anatomy and is very smooth.  If you are new to chastity you will likely get some burn from skin stretching, but, wow, what a difference this makes in the chastity experience.

The cage portion sits at a decently low angle and the gap between the ring and cage is very similar to the CB-X000 line using spacers on the narrower end of the spectrum.  Initial comfort was excellent, but the cage design also ended up being the reason for the device not working for me.

The top back edge of the cage portion extends slightly beyond the back of the ring.  While the edge isn't sharp... it's definitely not rounded and contoured in a friendly way if you have #5.  The end result is that due to #3 and #5 the back edge of the cage does touch the skin and due to #4, it would pull the corner in an uncomfortable way.  The end result is that the skin would actually pull itself over the corner and lead to an unnatural level of pull and discomfort of the skin on that side.  Within 15 minutes the area would burn.  After 45 minutes any part of the scrotum on that side was painful to the touch.  Attempts to "pad" the area just seemed to disperse the pressure and not actually solve the problem.  I'm guessing it was pressing on some nerves/circulation spots.  After ~8 30-minute trials I noticed the skin at that spot was getting very tender and staying that way for a couple of hours after removing it. 

The end result is that it will not work unless I were to heavily modify the cage portion and seeing as the only B I received in K-12 was in shop class, that isn't in the cards. 

In order to give a more complete review I will talk about a couple of other aspects. 

The lock is both amazing and infuriating.  No more padlock rattle.  The locking mechanism sits neatly out of the way.  That is good.  The downside is that to get everything to line up was difficult.  Due to #5, holding the cage in place while trying to get the little insert in perfectly was maddening at times.  It would occasionally flip its tab just as I was about to insert it.  At other times it would go in through 2 of the 3 pieces it needs to pass through but then would not want to make a clean contact into the 3rd section.  I would end up having to remove the cage and reset it.  A handful of other times it would get into all 3, but was just off enough to where it couldn't be locked. 

As maddening as this lock might seem, compare it to a CB-6000 and its 27430928 tiny hard plastic parts that all want to pinch you while you try to get the lock in place and it seems sort of silly to complain about it.  The Holy Trainer V2 is 2 pieces + the lock.  I experimented with a few of the CB-X000's last night and found myself swearing as I dropped one of the spacers and found myself crawling around on the floor with a flashlight for 5 minutes.  Advantage Holy Trainer.

An odd byproduct of lack of a padlock is that the Holy Trainer doesn't have anything that can be used to attach a leash or chain... ya know... in case that ever comes up. 

Overall, I think this is an excellent device... for someone other than me.  Aside from that pinch point I would say this is significantly more comfortable than the other plastic devices on the market that I have used.  Unfortunately that pinch point is enough of a factor to keep this from being a viable option in the long-run.

D/s vs. Codependency

There are times when I wonder if I'm actually codependent.  If you do a search for codependent or codependency it will spit out a great number of results that paint this as an emotional disorder.  Here are a few examples I copied/pasted from the search results:

"Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs."

"Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as 'relationship addiction' because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

"If you find yourself making lots of sacrifices for your partner's happiness but don't get much in return, you might be in a codependent relationship." 

I remember when the term codependent first gained popularity back in the 80's.  It seemed like the new fits all label to describe people who got lost in relationships as well as a way to put them down.

It is strange to try to balance this idea between my submissive and vanilla selves.  During the times that I am single or in the absence of D/s I am a fully capable human being that pursues interests and goals.  I socialize and find things to do.  I fill my time in an attempt to be fulfilled.  I make goals for each day and find meaning in their pursuit.  This sounds anything like codependency.

My submissive self is a different creature.  It exists to make her happy.  It is constantly overflowing with love and finding new ways to express it.  It is odd because those quotes on codependency seem to play off some of the highlights of D/s but then steer them as a bad thing.

I absolutely love the feelings that I get through submission.  I feel good.  I feel useful.  I feel desirable.  I feel like my place is earned on the merits of my actions.  I love her for it... so very much that it hurts. 

I think a lot of views of codependency are that the codependent is not aware that they function this way and has no means of existing in a beneficial way in the absence of a relationship.  I also think this is why the vanilla world struggles with the idea of D/s.  As a submissive I am very aware of how this works inside of me.  In my relationships, it is what we agree upon.

I find the complimentary nature of D/s to be sublimely beautiful.  I am the yang to her yin.  I am the moon to her sun.  The roles are well-defined and known at all times.  I sacrifice my freedom, my leisure time, my choices, and my selfishness for her happiness.  In return I receive fulfillment in knowing that I have made her happy.  I feel happy at being given the chance to love and serve her.  I feel satisfaction at enduring the suffering she throws my way.

I find it absolutely beautiful to look into her eyes and see her desire to control, use, and abuse me as she sees fit.  It makes me tingle knowing she uses her creativity to twist up my emotions and make me unable to resist her will.  It makes me feel warm to know that she will correct me and work to sculpt me to her perfect form.  It fills me with love.  It makes me feel loved.

To be honest, I don't really see what I "give up" as sacrifices.  They are part of the complimentary nature of D/s.  This is what blurs the lines in such a special way.  Do I offer or does she take?  Is she being selfish for her or does that selfishness help us both?  Is she strict because she enjoys it or because it makes me love her more?  Does she make me dependent upon her or was I dependent all along?

I just find the whole thing beautiful.  I love her and offer all of myself.  She loves me and makes use of all that I am.  I don't want it any other way.

Does this make me codependent or do I just know what I want?

Thoughts on Balancing Self

I've written a lot about control over the past few weeks.  It's strange when I delve too deeply into this topic because my mind tends to linger in the deepest parts of my submission... which is very much unlike what a sustainable lifestyle dynamic frequently functions as.

My subspace seems to always want to pull me to its deepest levels. These are the levels where my sense of self fades away and I simply wish to exist to be useful and a source of pleasure.  This frequently has me thinking and writing from a standpoint of total submission and under strict control.  I'm not sure if I write about this side of things because it is more interesting to me.  I know that it's definitely less common to find other people writing about the psychology of deep submission.  It always makes me wonder if this is because few people find it interesting or because few people experience feelings like these.  I receive just enough comments to believe that there are interested parties but I don't find enough on this across blogs as a whole to draw any form of conclusion.

One aspect that comes up quite often is that I realize that my deeper levels of submission are not a good fit for a good number of Dommes.  In a lot of cases it holds no appeal to them to exert control on this level. 

I know that I can exist (and even thrive) under conditions that would squash my sense of self.  To have my personality subdued to such an extent where I become a creature that merely loves and endures.  This has always existed as part of a balancing act and I understand it quite well.  To be an attractive life partner requires the rest of my self to be present at various times.  I'd be boring if I couldn't come up with an interesting or fun idea for what to do, what to eat, where to go, or something to talk about.
  
It is probably healthier for this balance of deep and shallow subspaces to exist.  I have to wonder if the pull to explore the deeper levels are because they are more difficult to reach and they are the level of experiences that I am most starved for.  I can say in that state is when my love is the deepest and strongest it can be... and it's almost all I think about.  I also have to wonder if I downplay my more interesting side because it was never really appreciated before I entered D/s. 

If anything, I should probably state that I am fully aware of the importance of balancing myself between the deeper and shallower states of my subspace.  That being said, my heart still yearns to be completely and utterly dominated.

Slowing down...

It has been seven days since my last post.  I know that really isn't that long but it shows a shift in my daily habits after churning out 20+ posts a week for the past month.  It seems that the blogging community in general has slowed down over the past month or so.  Fewer posts.  Fewer comments.  Fewer views.  The means that are my "fuel" for writing haven't been completely absent but they have definitely diminished. 

I blog and write as a hobby.  While I have several hobbies, I generally focus on one hobby at a time until I get tired of it or find something else that appeals more strongly to me.  I tend to cycle through these, nearly always returning to them but when and for how long varies drastically.  When it is my focus, it's all I want to do in my free time. 

So yes, when I go through spurts of huge amounts of writing it is because during that time, it's all I want to do.  When I get home from work I'm excited to write.  When I'm at work I constantly think about wanting to be at home so I can write.  I scour other blogs for topics that I can comment on and/or that inspire other posts. 

I know that might seem strange to some.  Blogs generally reflect what people have going on in their lives.  When I'm in writing mode, it becomes my life. 

At the moment I find myself standing at a crossroads, unsure if blogging will remain my primary hobby or if something else will swoop in and take over its role. 

I'm not sure but generally when I make posts like these some topics end up finding me.

Click 2017 Part 2

I got asked privately to elaborate a bit more on what goes on internally when it comes to what I talked about in the post Revisiting Click. 

Basically, I believe that the differences between having a choice and no choice when it comes to obedience corresponds to different mental states and levels of subspace.  How much "you" remains can shift quite a bit as well as fundamental behavioral patterns.  Internally, I think much of it has to do with the level of mental surrender and what that does to your fight or flight response. 

Something I should note is that not everyone behaves purely in a fight or flight way.  Trauma has the capacity to add a third option to the list which creates fight, flight, or freeze and surrender.  You can see this a bit in the animal kingdom, especially when it comes to hierarchies based upon rank in pack dynamics.  Some will fight it out, some will run away, and others will tip over and expose their bellies, feeling helpless and surrendering to the greater power.  I'm not sure if that third response makes me unique or less common, but I consider it to be a core factor of my submission.  The more that I think about it, I have to believe that those who can reach slavespace are likely familiar with this.

To illustrate this with an example, let's say she puts the sub in a collar and instructs them not to remove it.  At some point she instructs him to run an errand.  The sub is aware enough of "self" to probably run through the mental debate of whether they should run the errand in the collar or if they should take it off.  This mental debate implies that their thought process is still very human and what they choose to do will represent which side "wins," their desire to be obedient or their desire to avoid being embarrassed or humiliated.

If she puts the sub in a collar and locks it around his neck, he cannot remove it.  If instructed to run the errand there is no debate of removal, he simply accepts his fate as inevitable.  While he may attempt to hide the collar under a shirt collar, coat, or scarf, none of these are disobedient acts.  Even with the collar hidden, he will be trapped within his mind knowing that he is wearing it.

The primary contrast is debating the strength of his obedience vs. attempting to cope with the unavoidable.  (Yes, I am treating the "skipping the errand" option as a non-option as that is the sort of thing that gets you dismissed).  When given the choice of obedience, the sub's immediate responses fall to obedience (fight or flight).  When choice is removed, the sub's immediate responses are far more likely to simply try to make the best of the situation (freeze and surrender).

I believe that subs grow acclimated to a specific range of subspace as this generally represents the level of consistent control the Domme prefers to exert.  I see the differences in this topic as being rooted in how much "human will" she wants the sub to maintain.  Choice gives the sub the ability to say no.  Removing choice takes that ability away, which leaves obedience as the only option.

I tend to prefer that loss of choice.  It triggers a loss of self and it allows me to reach deeper levels of subspace.  This requires the impulse of fight or flight to fall away in favor of freeze and surrender.  My sense of self dissipates and I begin to see the world differently, in such a way where I desire that which she desires.  I don't think this happens as easily when I still have the freedom to say no.


I have heard of Dommes taking the opposite approach to test a submissive.  If the sub is accustomed to locks, seeing how they will behave the same in the absence of locks.  If the sub is accustomed to the honor system, putting on the locks and seeing how they deal with the loss of choice.  While I can see this being used in small doses, I think this actually pushes the sub in a very uncomfortable way by forcing them out of their normal subspace and into unfamiliar territory.  Flip-flopping regularly will likely keep the sub feeling confused.

In summary, as subs cope with submission, their minds learn to naturally respond to the hardships placed upon them by the Domme.  That method of coping is steered heavily by whether or not the Domme permits them the freedom of choice.  Over time their default method becomes an automatic response.  Locks can help contribute to maintaining a deeper space and train the sub's mind to stop considering the existence of options and steering them down the path of surrender as a natural response.

Revisiting "Click": 2017 Edition

Years ago I remember making a post about how the clicking shut of a lock triggered a good bit of meaning to me.  Back then I remember my thoughts on it were mostly that it made me feel safe, protected, and valued (e.g. you put a lock on an expensive bike).  This pertained to what locks "said" when used in almost any fashion (restraints, collar, chastity, etc.).

This past year I've branched out a lot more and it has helped me to understand a good number of views that have definitely had an impact on how I view things.  My feelings haven't really changed... it's probably easier to say that they have refined themselves as I come to know more about myself within this zany life.

I think the concept of locks vs. the honor system gives a bit of a divide in regards to how people view D/s in general.  I don't think it's too bold of a statement to say that that a lot of subs enjoy the idea of locks.  When it comes to actual practice, there is a split.  To some, it's an alert:  Shit just got real.  Freak out time.  Be afraid.  Run away.  To others, it's calming: She is serious.  This makes me feel good.  I feel comfortable now. 

When looking at the perspective of the various Dommes I have known it is also quite split.  I would have to say that the majority of them find the idea of self-control to be romantic and they want to respect a sub that they can be proud of.  If she says not to masturbate, he won't.  If she tells him not to move from this spot, he won't. He is willing to follow directions without being forced.  The other side are Dommes that hear the click and get invigorated:  Shit just got real.  He's mine now.

I've struggled with this a bit internally over the years.  I love the idea of locks (and yes, I can handle them).  I am also able to exert self-control.  If that is the case, then why do I crave the lock so much?  The answer had swirled around my head for years without ever being able to give a "good" answer for it.  I had gut feelings, instincts, and the like, but never anything concrete.

As I pondered this again today the answer was suddenly glaringly obvious and I wanted to face-palm realizing that it hadn't been something that I had consciously processed until now.  It's not that I can't exert self-control, but self-control is less appealing to me because the absence of the lock gives me a choice. 

If given the choice between following her instructions and disappointing her, I will always choose to follow instructions.  That being said, I don't want the ability to choose.  I want to feel her control as she takes choice away from me.  I like the loss of freedom, it drives my subspace.  I like the absence of options, the inability to disobey, and outcomes that are beyond my control.  I like feeling her control over me, ensuring that she gets exactly what she wants.

While I can do fine on the honor system, I thrive under lock and key. 


I like to think it is romantic that I will submit that deeply to her and show my love. I like to think that when she embraces her control over me that it shows that she cares. 

The 30 Days are over

Well, 30 days of kink went out with a topic I didn't really care to do:

Write or create a list of whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want.

I sort of defeated the purpose of the prompts by finishing all of them and scheduled them for future posting.  Now that all 59 posts have been completed, I have to think, wow, a lot of these questions made me think of things in some new ways while others forced me to show a bit more of myself than I would otherwise be comfortable doing. 

All in all, I am glad that I did them.  I hope that at least a few people enjoyed reading them and/or learning more about my crazy brain. 

30 Days of submission: Day 30

Is your need to submit being met? 

No.  It used to be, but not currently.

If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? 

I try to make the best of things as they are but the truthful answer is no.  Life would feel unfulfilling without submission.

What makes submission special to you?

Submission is special to me because it resides so dearly in my heart and it is my truest form of expressing my love.  I want my actions to speak louder than words and my intentions to resonate in everything that I do.  This is who I am at the core of my being. 

Thoughts on Chastity

A post I made recently on my Wordpress blog got a comment that I gave a partial answer to.  I don't think I've written much on chastity in the past year so I figure that might be a topic to revisit.

My older version of writing would probably have taken the pros and cons and presented them in an infomercial-esque way, talking about the potential benefits of chastity in a relationship, and so on.  This time around I don't really feel like going that route and will present it from a more personalized outlook.

The comment I am referring to basically asked if I needed a device to keep from going out of control with my genitals.  That is an easy answer, no, a device is not needed to do that.  There are many terms for male subs that are unwilling to give up sexual control and/or follow the rules of said sexual control through their own willpower... and few of those terms are kind.  If you have been in or practiced a serious Femdom or FLR type relationship, your ability to jerk off whenever you want to likely went away very quickly.  This sort of goes with the territory.

I've always felt that chastity wasn't a replacement for the honor system or self-control, but something that works as part of a control dynamic that one or both parties finds enjoyable. 

I actually enjoy chastity (within reason) quite a bit.  Part of it is because I am drawn to women who really embrace control dynamics.  If locking me up and tucking away the key fuels her Domspace and gets her juices flowing, great!  This serves as one more thing that can be held strictly under her thumb.

One of the things that appeals to me most about chastity is that the sexual frustration is exquisite.  It's very difficult to describe and brings about an entirely new set of feelings, awareness, and emotions.  It's so easy for us to take erections for granted and at inappropriate times we can even attempt to tune them out and/or clear the mind.  Most guys have a pair of pants that makes them more aware of the tent they are pitching during an erection as the pressure of the fabric pushes against the direction your penis is moving.  With a chastity device on, you get that "attempting to pitch a tent" feeling but it can just go on and on and on, providing just enough pressure for it to want to keep trying but it has nowhere to go.  It's pretty much impossible to ignore this when it is happening and that is the source of a lot of other emotions.

There is kind of that natural human impulse to want what you can't have.  Fighting to have an erection that will never happen makes you want to have it even more and/or touch it.  You also become very aware of just how many erection attempts you have in a given day.  You can't just shut it off and time drags while it is happening, fueling both passive and active submissive thoughts.  From a subspace perspective it reminds you of her control over you.  From a loving perspective you will start thinking about her a LOT.  Even if it starts out because she has the key, the thoughts can become almost obsessive and it's quite common to think of things that would make her happy.  e.g. picking up some flowers and candy on the way home from work.

A byproduct of all of this that happens with some women (but not all), is that she will enjoy the idea that you can't get erect that she will go out of her way to get you to attempt an erection.  The extra teasing, sexual tension, and attention can be quite enjoyable and bring the intensity to new heights.

Based upon what I have read and the subs I have talked to, I believe these parts aren't all that unique among subs in chastity.

There are a couple of aspects that are unique to me.  One of which is that I have a fairly libido.  While I enjoy a lot of activities that may be perceived as sexual, I have a fairly low craving for sex and if I had a stressful day or am in the midst of nerding out on a hobby, my sex drive and attentiveness diminish greatly.  A chastity device builds up a lot more unavoidable sexual tension and my cravings and desires tend to grow with it.  It can be a bit of a contrast, going from thinking about sex 0-2 times a day to 20+ times a day by the addition of a device.  It's kind of silly but it's true.

The other aspect is that when my depression cycles up my sex drive falls to virtually 0.  If D/s dynamics aren't going regularly it's common for me to not even have the desire to masturbate for ~3+ weeks at a time.  A chastity device changes that and the awareness it brings tends to keep me in a more positive mental state (subspace) which actually counters a lot of the normal effects of my depression. 

30 Days of submission: Day 29

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? 

Both pain and humiliation play a large role in my subspace.  

What is your relationship to it?  Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

This is rather complicated and these are sort of intertwined so it is probably better to answer them together.

I crave deep subspace.  Both pain and humiliation bring about deep subspace.  I do not desire to feel bad but accept them as the tools used to bring me to the place I want to be.  If you equate it like hitting the red button to send out a food pellet, then yes, I accept my need to hit the red button.  

That being said, I find these to be extremely intimate activities that I only share with the one I love and serve.  They are not meant for general consumption and I will likely behave erratically if used by someone whose contact I do not welcome. 

 

30 Days of Kink: Day 29

Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? 

Umm, not really.  Generally speaking I have had pronouns that have become default.  K used to call me pet or sissy slave.  F used to call me pet or slave.  T has called me pet but generally uses slut or whore depending upon her mood.  None of these are titles though, they replace my name entirely.

What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

I like titles for Dommes.  Historically titles serve as a status symbol so it makes a lot of sense in regards to role and ritual.

I don't really understand having a title for subs.  It often seems more like posturing when dealing with multiple subs that likely enjoy being titled for their role/status.  I believe the idea of having a name replaced with a number has more appeal to me in a D/s sense.   

Putting the pieces together of my submission's slavespace

I've been writing a lot about the past memories and events.  I've been talking to a lot of people about them.  I've been a bit patient with it, not forcing an outcome but not really content with confusion either.  Some tests have shown that my slavespace does still exist... it just takes a little bit more work than before and I'm still not more clear on whether or not this is a little space.  Thankfully I have my Wordpress blog where I haven't been sharing those posts that gave me an alternate venue to write about it in without seeming like a broken record here. 

Last night I wrote a summary post on WP and I mad the realization that I had been searching for. 
I know that outlining this probably won't be all that interesting for some, but I'm doing it mostly for me.  Also of note, this is not the only way I can achieve slavespace, just the easiest and most common route and the one that I was afraid I had lost.

To get started, it's probably easiest to just rattle off a list of what I call traumatic triggers.  Basically, these are just triggers that are related to the emotional damage that I received while young.  To the best of my knowledge, these primarily include:

• Sexual humiliation - having my genitalia made fun of or rejected.
• Being ostracized - feeling like an outcast by (kink) shaming, my appearance, being inferior/inadequate, etc.
• Being forced to wear women's/girl's clothing most notably of the winter variety and with an emphasis on hats, earmuffs, mittens, etc.
• Being forced to wear or touch fur.
• Bondage - especially the type where I am still expected to perform actions with restraints.  This includes anything that I cannot remove on my own.
• Symbols of control - These can be verbal, physical, rules, ideas, or actions.
• Outrageously demanding expectations - no rewards for success, only punishments for failure.
• "Dangled" affection - acceptance must be earned and can be withheld at any time.

Many of these will not send me directly into slavespace.  Some of them will breed resistance more than submission if I am not already in some form of moderate to deep subspace. 

What all of these have in common is that they all bring about anxiety that stems from the fears and pain of my younger self.  All of these have the ability deepen the effects of slavespace and make me more submissive, obedient, and more eager to please.  They all have something else in common: my rational self does not want these things.  When one (or more) of them is forced upon me, it pushes me to accept an unpleasant outcome that is beyond my control, which in turn breaks my will and leads to my surrender.  Stacking one upon another begins to increase the depth of my surrender as I accept a sense of utter helplessness.  These do, however, mostly require an existing level of subspace that is susceptible to being pushed in such a way.

Three of these factors have the ability to bring about slavespace (or at least a very deep form of subspace).  The three that act as the keys are being forced to wear women's winter clothing, bondage, and symbols of control.  It took me a long while to understand why it was these three and not any or all of them that were more effective than the others until I realized that I created these unknowingly.  These were the three that M used in her bondage games: she made me wear a hat, she tied me up, and she gave me a strict set of rules to follow.  Masturbating 1,000+ times while fantasizing about this managed to fetishize this.  Solidifying these triggers were my own fault.

When one or more of these key triggers are applied, my mind buckles and I surrender without much resistance.  The one who initiates this becomes the authority figure and the personification of my surrender.  They become all-powerful and their word is law.  I tremble before them like a frightened child, neurotically trying to please them.  The more factors they introduce, the more anxiety I feel and the harder I try to be perfect for them.  I slide farther and farther away from the self that I know and become that terrified little boy desperately wanting to make her happy.  The erection is because of the fetishizing. 

Beyond those factors, preying on the associated fears will also build anxiety within me.  Often these are verbal phrases like "I like you better this way," or This is for your own good."  In addition to increasing the fear, these types of phrases also validate the fears, and the authority figure becomes the one and only person in the world who would accept me.  I then view them as the only person in the world that matters and the only person that would love me.  The end result is that I am willing to endure and accept anything from them because it keeps me safely within her grasp.  In fact, the more she "ensures" my obedience to her, the more I love her.  I would jump through hoops for her... walk through fire for her... and deny myself any pleasure... simply to feel her arms around me as she tells me that I belong to her. 

This might seem kind of screwed up in some ways but it's the best understanding I can come to about how this works inside.  I'm not even consciously aware of what is happening while it happens... I can only see this in hindsight from an outside perspective.  I'm curious if I could be pushed into this slavespace without these keys but I have never experienced without some of them present. 

I hope I was able to communicate this clearly.  It made a lot more sense in my head but seemed to go a bit more all over the place when I tried to put it to paper.

30 Days of submission: Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? 

Yes.  There have been a time or two where I was unable to get over a mental hurdle and be what she wanted me to be.  This happened when I had hard limits in place but having them made me feel inadequate as a sub.  I would eventually drop those hard limits but I felt bad, inadequate, and inferior before doing so.

Have you ever been criticized for your submission? 

I have.  I have had many aspects of it criticized by others, most of whom felt my "version" of submission didn't mesh with their views of it.  These people were content to throw stones and were not interested in talking about the differences and/or sources of our views.  Usually this has been in regards to being "too submissive," seeing me as a doormat, or calling me misogynistic for how forced feminization is a part of my lifestyle.

I should add that I have been complimented on it more often than criticized.

Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? 

A handful of times.   Mostly in the context of having a very serious discussion about a topic that was important to vanilla life or had a heavy bearing on the relationship and they played the "but you're the sub" card.  It is not a good feeling.

Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

Yes.  I don't err frequently but I am not perfect.  Generally when this happens I beat myself up inside and work like hell on improving and never making the same mistake twice.  It helps me out quite a bit if punishment unburdens me of this guilt.

30 Days of Kink: Day 28

How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

Does naked count as dressing for kink?

To be honest, I don't dress any differently unless it is something that is requested of me.  As much as I can appreciate fetish attire (and I find a lot of it sexy), my history within underground and independent music scenes gives me a bit of a skepticism about "scenester" looks.  When certain things become fashionable the original spirit and message is often lost in favor of appearances and the original purists get lost in a sea of Hot Topic clones.  

When requested to dress a certain way it is usually naked except for collar and wrist/ankle cuffs or in a serving "uniform," which generally involves some horribly humiliating awful forced fem outfit with lots of fur.  The significance to me is that this is how she wants me and I do not want to disappoint... even if it leaves me blushing and wanting to cry.

30 Days of submission: Day 27

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? 

Two of them exist as fantasies.  The lesbian fantasy where I am displaced as the lover by another woman and the fantasy of extended chastity.  I have done nearly everything else I had ever wanted to do.

Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

The lesbian one doesn't confuse or frighten me all that much and it excites me quite a bit.  It is something that T and I pursued but to no avail.  The short-term prospect is probably more feasible but I'd have to wonder if my submissive psyche would adjust to it in the long-run and find a new level of subspace that I find desirable. 

The extended chastity fantasy terrifies me completely.   I feel like a walking oxymoron that it arouses me.  It's just something that I know experiencing would be rather unpleasant even if my mind and principles can rationally agree with it.  It is PSA for "be careful what you wish for."

30 Days of Kink: Day 27

Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Hooray for vague.  Yes and no?

Being fairly well-read and having seen a lot of movies and television comes in handy.

Having dexterous musician hands helps with... things.

I generally keep my interests compartmentalized and separate.  When I feel submissive I suppress my alpha persona, so there isn't much that bleeds over.

Dismissive vs. Indifferent

I recently read a blog post on Dismissive vs. Indifference and it really got the gears turning in my brain.  There isn't much that I have to add to it, but it inspired a great deal of thoughts and feelings as I read it. 

From my experiences, indifference is one of the most hurtful feelings that a sub can encounter in D/s.  It feels like she doesn't care about it, it isn't important enough, etc.  It feels lonely and awful.

On the other side of things, my subspace is fueled so heavily if she acts dismissive.  I consider this a bit puzzling, but it fits into my views on control and my anxiety related to being rejected or abandoned.

To vanilla eyes, being dismissive probably looks more cruel than being indifferent, but from a submissive perspective it makes all the difference in the world.  It's hard to describe but having her treat aspects of me like they do not matter feels better than not caring.  Simple phrases are often enough to push my subspace into a frenzy of turmoil.

• "I understand your feelings but they don't matter."
• "Since when does what you want have any importance?"
• "It's cute the way you think I care about that."

Hearing words like those are like a status dagger being jammed into your heart and twisted.  The anguish... knowing she is right... and loving her even more for the reminder.  It shows she notices.  It shows she cares.  It shows she values the core of our relationship.  It's quite breath-taking and amazing.  How delicious a treat for the subspace being dismissive is.  It's sort of amusing because the appearance of indifference is anything but indifferent.

Actual indifference is awful.  It sucks the life out of a sub.  When you truly feel like what you do does not matter, it is hard to feel like you matter.  Being acknowledged brings about such a difference... even if her acknowledgement claims it doesn't matter. 

Why does slavespace have to be so confusing?

For the past week I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out just how to interpret my deepest submissive state.  Last summer, Watson, some other readers, and I  had some great discussions upon their process of reaching slavespace and what it feels like within the mind.

I noticed something about my own feeling set that different in a handful of key ways from the others.  Most described a sense of a total dissolution of self where they no longer existed as individuals but mostly held an innate sense of purpose that was defined by the Domme.  This purpose over-wrote ideas of self.  "I want to be useful" was processed more like "be useful." 

Before I make a contrast it is probably best to describe what separates slavespace from subspace.  While in subspace you are aware of yourself as a person.  You have independent thoughts, desires, and feelings.  You have the freedom to say no.  You are still a version of yourself.  In slavespace things shift in such a way that you no longer see the world in that way.  The idea of consent gets twisted: you consented to have no say in future matters.  In the moment there likely isn't enough self present to object.  The world appears with a defined purpose and that purpose is to simply comply to her will.  Very black and white, there is what she wants, orders, expects, and pleases her and anything else is simply not one of those things.  That is the law of the land... the right and wrong... the new morality.  If she says, "scrub the floor," there is no voice resisting that you do not wish to do it, there may be worry that you will do it well, do it quickly enough, and have the time/quality of the work be up to her standards.  Is that a sense of self or merely awareness in your existence?

Where my slavespace differs a bit from those descriptions is that I do have awareness of a self.  This self feels tiny.  It is wired that it will only be acceptable if it behaves perfectly and can meet or exceed her expectations 100% of the time.  It readily accepts punishment or corrections because it would rather be "fixed" of its flaws than become undesirable to her and be rejected.  It sees punishment as a favor.  It wants to be perfect for her.

This self will endure ANYTHING because it wishes to prove the depth of its love and devotion.  The idea that something is unpleasant is displaced by the greater fear of being rejected.  Failure feels crushing.  Punishment is a way of saying "I trust you'll do better next time." 

I call this my slavespace because it approaches dominance in the same way.  It likely is not a "true" slavespace on the inside.  The part I am still trying to wrap my head around is the fact that the "inner voice" that exists while I am in this state is from my terrified and vulnerable childhood self.  It is the voice of the boy that I buried deep inside of me when the bullying, abuse, and racism reached a point that I could no longer take it.  The terror feels just like it did when I was a child.

I can't seem to find enough information on littles to figure out if this space is a little space.  I have no desire to have Transformers bed sheets again or play with toys.  I don't feel youthful or innocent.  I feel like a wrecked boy, seeking an authority figure to love that will guide me and protect me from the "bad people" of the world.  I will jump through hoops for her, walk through the flames for her, and do anything and everything that I can to earn her approval.  I will be her slave.

Has anyone seen anything like this or able to offer me any guidance?  This is so damn confusing.

30 Days of submission: Day 26

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? 

This topic just came up on 30 Days of Kink so I'd rather not expand too much on it.  Mostly I seek Dommes that would be willing to consider me.  This usually reflects on them being caring, loving, loyal, and accepting.  While there are other things that may make a "fit" better, these are the ones that are most important to me for a 

Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Generally only things that might violate my hard limits, but those aren't qualities so much as characteristics.  Also, I'm not interested in poly or relationships that aren't loving.

Most of the qualities that would be must not haves are self-fulfilling.  The women that have many of those aren't interested in me anyways.  e.g. ultra-rigid in their views without justification, unwillingness to communicate, etc.  

Overall, I feel lucky as hell to be considered so I try not to let anything be too big of a hangup unless it is hard-limit or types of relationships that would not work for me.

30 Days of Kink: Day 26

What’s your opinion on online BDSM play? Or online D/s Relationships?

Having spent a lot of time separated from my Dommes I try not to look down on relationships that use a heavy amount of phone, skype, chat, and the like.  I think that online serves as a good starting point for getting to know someone.  While it's impossible to get to know everything, you do learn quite a few things that people may hide in person, and if you start out as friends, you may learn a good number of things that people would not have shared otherwise.  Once a comfort level has been built, it makes meet ups a bit easier and less awkward.

Interacting a lot online (phone/skype/chat/sexting) trains the mind a lot.  You learn to enjoy their company and it gets tiresome to only talk about the same things so it naturally leads to a lot of topics of conversation.  Also since there aren't actual physical cues or actions you can take, it can sometimes be easier to understand what lies at the core of a Domme's/sub's kink-psyche.

That being said, I'm not a huge fan of relationships that start online with the end goal of being online relationships.  There are cases and reasons where this makes more sense than others, but too frequently people use it in a cheating sense or because they aren't brave enough to venture into this unforgiving world. 

30 Days of submission: Day 25

Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

There are things, but mostly in ways that are meaningful because they were shared with me by a Domme.  Kneeling and having a collar placed around my neck always feel special.  Kneeling and kissing her feet as a greeting ritual.  Kneeling and having a hat placed on my head has a way of immediately shifting me into a deep subspace.

These were all significant to me because they involve shared intimacy and closeness with one I love(d).  They make me feel special and cared for.  I could feel our connection when our eyes would meet.  The thought of them makes my heart fill up with love.

Whenever new things or rituals are added they make me feel even more special because it means she cared enough to introduce something that makes us feel closer.

30 Days of Kink: Day 25

How open are you about your kinks?

This depends a lot on the kinks and their perceived level of deviance.  There are certain things I will share freely and without hesitation.

Is anyone going to fault me for stating that I love pleasuring a woman?  Hell no.  I don't live in some episode of the Sopranos where someone nearly gets killed for spreading a rumor that Jr. likes to go down on a woman.  Shit, I'd wear it on a T-shirt if people wouldn't find it more offensive than endearing :P

I'm open to the fact that I enjoy giving women massages.  I like cooking for them.  I like pampering them.  None of those are secrets to me.  I don't care if they know that she wears the pants.

If someone asks, I don't hesitate to tell them I am on bottom in sex nor that I enjoy sexual bondage play.  Most of these things are fairly normal activities for vanilla couples even.

The rest of it stays private. 

I'm a lucky guy

I really want to avoid coming off overly negative in my posts.  I tend to write while enveloped in a wave of emotion.  Sometimes I post again to try and make sense of it.  There are certain things I should say more often.

The reality of it is that I'm an extremely fortunate person.  I have experienced the bulk of my sexual fantasies.  I have loved deeply and lost myself within it.

The thing that I want to mention now is that I am most fortunate that I have a number of people that I have met through the blogging community that go out of their way to support me when I am down.  Some check up on me and let me know they care.  Others go out of their way to help me see the good things inside of me and attempt to rebuild my sense of self. 

I truly am grateful for everyone.  It means the world to me and it makes life a lot easier to handle. 

Thank you so much. 

The Best laid plans...

I have originally planned to try and write some fiction tonight.  fs01 is hanging and I need to get that back on track.  After a couple of tests with some help from some friends I'm finding myself able to reach a state that is close to the state I would reach frequently before last Friday, which also happens to be the mindspace from where I write my fiction.  I was supposed to be writing... but now I'm blocked.

It's not something I'd rather go into in great detail of specific, but T's son has become a problem that may be insurmountable.  T let him drop out of high school.  He doesn't work.  He doesn't bathe.  He doesn't help out.  He doesn't exercise. He plays video games all day/night.  In the past year and a half he has put on over 150 lbs. and now resides over 400 lbs. in a family with a history of diabetes.  His ability to cope is rather non-existent and without turning things around he will likely end up a homeless diabetic.  This has become a major problem interacting with T and tonight it came to a head again and I'm feeling rather wrecked. 

I really want to write about things that don't just make things seem so down.  I can't tell if I'm more frustrated or hurt right now. 

30 Days of submission: Day 24

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

First and foremost, love is the primary factor that brings me into submission.  When I love I feel like I could move the world for her and I would try if she asked me to.  Nothing feels impossible.  I feel confident, competent, and capable.  I feel strong.  I feel loyal.  I feel warm and safe.  I feel protective.  I feel honored.  I feel awestruck.  I want to make her proud.  I feel everything and it is beautiful.

These others are minor but should be mentioned.  Keep in mind that these push my submission deeper.  The original love-based submission has to exist.  If someone I did not love/submit to did this stuff to me I would probably defend myself with my gigantic and sharpened alpha fangs and claws.

Humiliation.  This preys upon all of my insecure fears... and verifies those fears to be true but it is not a source of rejection.  While it might crush my ego a bit, without rejection the feelings aren't all bad.

Fear. This is sort of an emotion and a feeling that can drive subspace and feed itself.

Shame/Remorse.  This tends to trigger guilt and put me into a shame spiral that is unpleasant but puts me deeply into a submissive state where I just want to do better. 

30 Days of Kink: Day 24

What qualities do you look for in a partner?

This is a really good question for me to have to answer as I've never done anything like make a checklist or anything like that.  I do plan to answer honestly even though it might come off a bit pathetic sounding.

It's tough to explain because I don't really seek out specific things.  I also realize that I sort of have two different ways of how I process this internally even if I go about them in the same method, I will try to describe them.  In general, I will search profiles and find one that sounds promising.  I will read their profile carefully and then follow up with their posted journal entries and/or blog entries if they are provided.   

One of two things happen in this process:

1. The solitary me surfaces.  This is the me that is worried about being rejected and is timid and terrified at sending a message and presenting myself badly.  If the solitary me surfaces I look for signs that this is a person that could accept me and what I have to offer.  This usually means that they focus upon the quality of character of the sub rather than primarily stating physical characteristics, kink compatibility, and the like.  In these cases I look for people seeking a deep, genuine connection.  The writing draws you in rather than trying to eliminate you with a system of checklists.

2.  I am overwhelmed by someone's charisma.  With these types, the passion of their words immediately draws me in.  I laugh, I smile, I nod in agreement.  I like their view of the world.  I like what they talk about.  I like how they present themselves.  I like what they are looking for.  They sound fucking perfect and I am (close to) what they say they are looking for.  They seem like the greatest person in the world that you would want to get to know, let alone be in a relationship with.

The primary commonalities between the two lead to an individual that is caring, loving, loyal, and accepting.  

I'm willing to compromise in regards to kink interests unless their interests are beyond my hard limits.  Caring about the person and connecting with them intimately is always paramount to me.  I'm also willing to give most non-kink interests a chance.

This probably seems kind of sad, but the truth of it is that the odds are so stacked against me as a male sub that I just do my best and hope for a fit.  Generally someone that would appreciate what I have to offer is often looking for similar things.  I've also found that if love develops, there are a lot of obstacles that can be overcome through that if both parties invest emotionally and care about one another.

30 Days of submission: Day 23

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? 

I dislike the frantic "need" that subs get on occasion.  This frequently happens when there isn't enough quality time being spent with the Domme and a sub's submissive needs start falling by the wayside.  This can lead to a desperate and obsessed state, which puts the sub a bit out of control and focused upon their own needs.  

This happens to me on occasion.  I end up feeling disgusted with myself in its aftermath.

I believe this is most common with painfully single "do me" subs.  They can do and say some pretty despicable things in this state.  It's also painful to watch... sort of like a horny dog trying to hump every leg in sight.
 

Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Plenty of times.

There are a good number of acts that I have participated in that I do not like.
Being forced to do these acts fuels my subspace and induces arousal.
Does that mean I actually like it?

The thought process is pretty simple.

1. I don't want this.  I don't want this.  I don't want this.
2. Why the hell do I have an erection?
3. Oh my God, this turns me on, I'm such a freak/pervert/weirdo. 
4. I wish this had never happened.

 Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.  And yes, by now I have a lot of T-shirts.

30 Days of Kink: Day 23

Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? If so, how?

They have changed quite a bit.

It is difficult to describe but there are a lot of things that seemingly leave fantasy and enter the realm of realistically possible.

I believe a lot of it is due to acclimation.  When I first entered the lifestyle, the idea of having my wrists tied or a blindfold were enough to get my heart rate pounding and have my dick bursting out of my pants.  Then it happened a dozen times and the rush gradually died out.  It became routine.  My psyche built up a tolerance like getting used to a drug.  Push it farther.  Ropes become chains.  A blindfold becomes a hood and a gag.  The rush returns... until we do it a dozen times.

This step by step process has led to a drastic shift in what I desire over the years.  Now I need things to be pretty extreme to get the rush.

In regards to perspectives, I understand a whole lot more about what is sustainable.  e.g. K was a micro-manager but the majority of Dommes don't want a sub bothering to ask them if they can go to the bathroom.

The biggest thing I have come to learn about sustainable dynamics is that dealing "in absolutes" that are never allowed to change as the relationship evolves is frequently a poor choice.  A lot of D/s is a balancing act.  Be too strict and it creates a massive amount of work for the Domme.  Be too lax and it won't feel "real" to the sub.  The balancing point is often to have the Domme pick a couple of important topics that they are willing to be strict about (e.g. orgasm control) and putting less emphasis on less important things (e.g. a sub going to the bathroom).   

The trend I have seen is that people who deal only in absolutes frequently end up single in the long run.  Those who remain flexible, adaptable, mobile, and evolve as necessary frequently end up in happy and successful relationships.  Everything and everyone will change over time.  Allowing things to evolve in a natural way is sometimes better than trying to force a peg into an old hole that it no longer fits in. 

Dominant and submissive: Noun vs. Adjective

I've been having quite a few D/s discussions lately which has been nice, but I have to say that many people have very different definitions of Dominant and submissive and what those words entail.

I really don't wish to hash out every point of view here, but I would like to make a handful of statements that display my beliefs.  Feel free to disagree with me via comments :)

Dominant behavior or a dominant personality is not the same as being a Dominant.  That is, the existence of the adjective does not make the noun.  There are plenty of submissives that carry a dominant personality in vanilla life or act with many dominant behaviors.  There are plenty of vanilla people that have dominant personalities and behaviors that do not associate with being a Dominant.

Submissive behavior or a submissive personality is not the same as being a submissive.  In my experiences I've never met someone with a submissive personality or that regularly engaged in submissive behaviors (beyond work and manners) that was secretly a Dominant.  That being said, not all people that exhibit submissive behaviors or personalities are submissives.

What separates the noun from the adjectives?  In its simplest form, spaces: Domspace and subspace.

To speed things along I will use completely simplified definitions.

Domspace: a desirable mindset and feeling set linked with sexual response and obtained through dominance, dominant acts, or in response to submissive acts.

Subspace: a desirable mindset and feeling set linked with sexual response and obtained through submission, submissive acts, or in response to dominant acts.

With these in mind, I believe that a Dominant is someone that acts to feed their Domspace.  Similarly, I believe that a submissive is someone that acts to feed their subspace.

Why does it have to be sexual?  Because if it wasn't, there would be no reason to be a Dominant or a submissive... we would simply all be people that exerted those traits... just like all the people that do it without involving kink in their lives.

Note:  I don't expect anyone to really learn anything from this, I'm merely gathering my thoughts so that it is easier to articulate them the next time I am forced trying to explain the differences.

Sort of funny how that goes...

Time and a friend have helped me process this quite a bit more...

What is funny is that it was me considering the idea that I had a little that led to these memories being unearthed.  Confronting them have since purged the little.  It's gone.  After crying it out, the anxious little boy has left the building.

Unfortunately... the instant-push-of-a-button slavespace has left the building along with him.  I'm kind of worried now that the means of accessing that space aren't clear now.  I'm kind of worried as that was the space from which I would write my fiction. 

On the upside, I no longer have to worry about whether or not my slavespace is little space.

Almost through it...

I'm still processing all of the emotions.  Usually I would manage to burst them all out completely in one post.  This has felt more like connecting dots after one revelation.

I have to believe that I'm almost through it, so if you are tired of these posts they will likely be done soon.  What I'm finding a bit bothersome about all of this is that a lot of these memories are from VERY young.  I can't date a few of them because I basically have a dividing line of when I turned 3 and was aware of what age I was and before then when I didn't have any thoughts about it.  Some of these memories are clear as day.  I can remember names and faces of people that departed my life a long, long time ago.

The whole hat thing and toughing out the cold became an anxiety battle throughout my youth.  The thought of being made to wear a hat was enough to make me want to vomit.  I would spew out every excuse in the book to avoid it.  It happened quite often.  At recess in elementary school on some days they wouldn't let us go outside without one.  I would either stay inside or beg my parents to call the school and get permission for me to not wear one.  This seems kind of stupid but it affected me that much.  When I would play at friend's houses this was often something their parents would try to force upon me.  I would resist it then as well, even if it meant I had to stay inside when the others went outside.  The anxiety was real but I was unwilling to admit why to anyone.  I just stuck to the idea that it made me too hot and I would feel sick.  These were half-truths at least, although both were likely caused more by anxiety than by the hat.

Frostbite became a regular thing, especially after I started playing pickup hockey at the local rink.  I remember several occasions having my skin turn black.  M being able to get a hat on me without a fight or severe anxiety was huge.

A lot of the experiences with my sister and her friends basically shut off my interest in girls.  Aside from 1 or 2 of them that were kind to me before age 6, I really didn't have any friendships with girls nor found many/any attractive or interesting until much later than I should have.  The thought of getting to know a girl on a close and personal level gave me severe anxiety.  Aside from my M fantasies, I didn't take a true interest in girls until I was 15 or so when a charismatic girl in one of my classes just sort of overwhelmed me with her presence and kindness.  I carried a secret torch for her for years but never built up enough courage to act upon it.  She is the reason that I let my guard down.  She is the reason that I started feeling good about girls and I realized at just how good it felt to have one talk to me and smile at me.  I felt saved... like my blackened, twisted, disgusting heart had hope... that maybe sometime I could actually find happiness.  I consider her to be a pivotal person in my life even though we barely spoke to each other over the four years of high school and spent time together maybe 3 times outside of school.  She was the source of my transformation and the one who got the ball rolling in getting me to open up my feelings again.  Without her, I doubt I would have learned how to love.  I probably would have been dead by now.

30 Days of submission: Day 22

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? 

Not particularly.  I envy those who can.

If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

In the absence of D/s I turn to fantasy.  This might be fiction, artwork, or simply what I create in my mind.  I find ways to channel it.  When successful, I find I can channel a mindstate that feel very similar to actual subspace.  However, since much of my subspace is driven by feelings and emotions, this state requires a "focal point" of my feelings, which inevitably requires a character to fill the role of Domme.

While this is sort of a fix, it isn't super sustainable in the long run.  Eventually I will inevitably ache to feel it for real.  In these times I simply try to distract myself by immersing in a book, TV series, or the like.

30 Days of Kink: Day 22

What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? 

Love.  Trust.  Honesty.  Communication.  A healthy sex life (at least for her).   Friendship.  Companionship.  Quality time.  Intimacy.  Desire from both parties.  Effort.  Care.  Attention to detail.  Planning.  Shared interests.

How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I don't think it differs at all really, assuming we are talking about a healthy vanilla relationship.

 

The only difference is that with D/s, the expectations are clearly defined.  

The effects of my sister

It seems that over the past few months I've had a number of memories return that involved my sister and ways that she hurt me deeply.  It's probably easier for me to just explore how things were as I perceived them.

When I was very young I looked up to my sister like she was a rock star.  She, like me, was adopted.  She always showed pride in what she liked and what she was doing.  She "sold me" on ideas easily and got me interested in a lot of those things.  I was a bit of a tag-along.  If she wanted to go outside, I wanted to go outside.  If she wanted to play inside I wanted to be inside.  During those younger years I pretty much wanted to do what she did.

I was jealous that she was learning to play violin and I was not allowed to touch it.  I was jealous that she learned the piano.  When she got a cabbage patch kid, I wanted one for my birthday too.  She convinced me to give up the bigger room since she should have it because she was older.  I agreed.  When she had friends over and needed a fourth to play a game, I was included.  In general, she was shy around strangers.  I was fearless.  She would send me up to some stranger kids and I would come back with them in tow to include all of us.  This continued until we were about 3 and 5.

Something changed then in her.  She began to show off in front of her friends.  She began to get overly focused upon how things appeared to others.  She became cruel.  Belittling me and humiliating me in front of her friends became the norm.  Being the fourth player shifted to being the omega.  I remember a time where they wanted me to play house, chose me to be the daughter, dressed me up in girl's clothes and took pictures.  They then told me if I didn't do exactly what they said that they would show the pictures to everyone and no one would ever want to talk to me ever again.  I was 3.

Things got worse from there.  I know in my other post that I had mentioned I was kids by the teased at school when I wore her hand-me-downs.  The reality of it is that I was teased most of all by her and her friends.  If I cried, I was teased more, called a cry-baby, and told that only girls cry... and that maybe I should be wearing a girl's hat.  If I tried to tell my parents they would hold me down while my sister went and told lies to my mother about me misbehaving and that I was going to come and try to lie to her about things.  If I went and told I would get punished and sent to time out (locked in a small room).  Another time when I threatened to tell they tied me up and put me in her closet, tying the handles together on the outside so it wouldn't open and then left me there for hours.

Outside of those times, she always found something to criticize and make fun of about me.  The clothes I wore, the way I talked, etc.  It was like her goal was to make me feel self-conscious and fucked up about anything and everything I did.  Her friends always jumped in so easily.  The lesson I learned was that girls are mean.

Coupling what I felt at home and the behavior of kids at my pre-school... I built up a very strong set of armor... and became a jerk.  I shut down empathy and sympathy.  I started to attack rather than be attacked.  I was an angry ball of rage that had no clue how to handle emotions.  Crying was shameful.  Hide my true feelings.  Keep everything buried inside.  Let no one see the real me.  Those were how I grew to live.

As I got older I started to slowly let the walls down... but all of those mantras were ingrained.  It took me a VERY long time to be comfortable expressing my feelings and even longer on being able to reveal the vulnerable parts of myself.  It was kind of sad.

To this day I hate my sister.  She is a selfish bitch and not a person I would ever choose to associate with by choice.  She is entitled and gets furious when everything doesn't go her way.  To top things off, she is passive-aggressive and under-handed.  When I was 21 we tried to salvage something of a friendship when she unburdened herself saying she always felt my parents favored me over her.  I did a triple take.  No one ever laid a finger on her.  They always gave her the benefit of the doubt.  She followed it up with stating that she was jealous that I was braver, smarter, and better at things than she was.  I was willing to let all that go but then I realized... when she told me those things it was NOT her trying to bridge a gap that had grown between us, but her giving me the reasons that she was such a bitch to me.  I don't speak with her anymore.  My last words were a calmly delivered "fuck off and die."

I find it slightly irritating how much of a factor she has played in the shaping of my life.

Changes to my subspace

Something noteworthy has shifted within me since I wrote my post on Friday.  I don't know how much I may have changed... but I am aware that the feelings are not the same nor are my body's responses.

A lot of my slavespace banked on a trigger that was rooted in anxiety.  Force me into shame and embarrassment in a certain way and I would be overwhelmed with such a force of feelings and tightening of the chest that my persona would collapse and buckle, leaving only the slave behind.

What is different since writing that post and crying several times in the process was a great emotional release and a number of answers to long-standing questions rushing to the forefront.  Many of these questions I had carried with me since my early teens.  Now that they "make sense," the "I must just be really fucked up" impulse is gone and my chest doesn't react in the same way (those who have experienced large amounts of anxiety know what I am talking about).

I have to say that I am concerned about what this means to me as a sub.  Before I was predictable and could easily lay out a blueprint on how pushing my buttons would make me react.  What stands now is a great unknown and what I don't know feels scary and unpredictable.

While the anxiety about myself is gone, I can feel the fragile sense of confidence I have teetering with uncertainty.  I can tell this is my fear of rejection.

I'm hoping that more of this will reveal itself as time passes.  

30 Days of submission: Day 21

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Sort of.  Part of the rituals I had with F she would have me hold a bowed position that looked like this:  

This was a display of my devotion to her.  It does a bit for my subspace.

30 Days of Kink: Day 21

List your Favourite BDSM related book/s (fiction or non-fiction).

Well, seeing as I am into F/m.  I like the 4 Femdom novels that were ever published for real.

Just kidding, I've only read 2 of the 4.*

• Venus in Furs
• The English Governess

I have a Sardax art book I enjoy a lot.

At some point T and I had picked up some books on the lifestyle from Gloria Brame, Elise Sutton, etc. but none of them ever got any real focus.

At some point I would like to get Sardax's Venus in Furs.

*I was originally intending to be sarcastic... then I realized it wasn't... so I tried harder.

A little bit of clarity and a few more uncertainties

I've had a number of conversations about my Friday discoveries since writing that post.  I've been able to get some good feedback that helped provide some insight into the situation.  While there are still a lot of questions that don't have answers, I'm feeling okay about what I know so far.

As I've come to understand it, the events that happened in the realm of age 3-5 or so caused me to craft a new persona to protect my vulnerability.  This became my alpha and it was the only face I showed to the world for many years and I still rely upon it today.  That persona tends to act out a belief set that I do not always agree with... but it is to maintain appearances and "blend in" with the world.

I'm not sure if what I experience through submission is a little persona or not.  It is my truly vulnerable side that I buried in the wake of the events of my youth.  From what I can understand of it, the hat and/or earmuffs are the key that unlocks that part of myself.  M was the first to use it.  K was the next.  My vulnerable person is terrified of being hurt and abandoned.  This part of me seeks a "guardian" to submit to and will do anything to win that guardian's approval and acceptance.  The guardian protects me from abandonment and rejection and wields almost absolute power over me.

The guardian doesn't have to be kind, supportive, fair, or consistent.  The guardian must simply want to keep me and I will love her and need her.  This is the part of me that is truly capable of loving.  This is the part of me that cannot say no.

There are more parts of this that I do not yet understand.  This state is hyper-sexual.  The slightest bit of attention and I get aroused.  The slightest thought of pleasing her a I get aroused.  The more that she isolates me, the more under her thumb that she makes me feel and the more desire I have to please her, the more submissive and aroused I become.  I feel naughty because I exist.  I feel undeserving of good things.  The best I can hope for is to be kept and any amount of suffering is simply a test to prove myself worthy of her attention.

Here is where my limited knowledge of littles comes into play.  This state of mine seems like it was paralyzed in that young age, too frightened to show itself unless the keys are used.  Is this a little state or just the fracturing of my psyche?  I'm not really sure.  Are there more keys?  Mittens seem to instill similar feelings.  It seems that things that trap me in shame have the greatest impact.

On the other hand, I pretty much feel like the part of me that responds to feminization is not so much that, but part of the system of what happens here.  Whenever feminization was attempted independently of the keys, I do not reach the same level of subspace.  These are things to mull over.  I have a feeling I will have to reach out to a little or two to get more of an idea, unless someone who has seen anything like this before can chime in with some words. 

So many things swirl around in my head...

30 Days of submission: Day 20

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? 

Increased by a wide margin.  I'm willing/able/wanting to go much deeper into D/s than I was at the start.

Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Yes.  Things had to change slightly with F because our contact got very irregular which hurt my feelings badly and she was rarely available to give me any form of emotional aftercare so I would crash by myself.  With T we had to dial things back in the dynamics department due to trust issues that came up.  She locked me in isolation and forgot about me a few times.  She also had trouble keeping her emotions under control at times which led to abusive situations.  24-7 just wasn't safe for me anymore.

30 Days of Kink: Day 20

Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about or don’t understand.

Heh.  Yes, talk about something, that's not vague at all.

Well, this is actually hard because when I don't understand something I usually do enough research about it until I do understand it... that way I can empathize/sympathize on a passing level or at least have a basic idea of their perspective and point of view.

Even when someone has a closed mind or misconception I can usually understand how they could reach that conclusion.  

The only time I don't understand is when despite all evidence, people still choose to believe something contrary to said evidence.  I doubt this counts as a kink.

So yeah...

Ah, here's one.  Well, I actually understand this a bit, just not enough to have distinct answers to all of my questions regarding it, but...

Why are there so many "submissive types" that are okay in M/f that are NOT okay in M/f?

I have heard one side of this state that male Doms have an ego-driven caring side.  I have heard one case from women that basically stated "I've already raised kids, I don't want another."  While I'm sure these points of view cover a segment of the population, I'm not sure they are complete or thorough to represent more.  So yeah, why?