Sunday, May 15, 2016

An Apology to L

Back when I was writing a lot more (2010-2012) I was very active in this persona on the internet on forums and social media sites.  I made an array of contacts and kept in touch with many of them, some were fellow fetish enthusiasts, others were "fans," but a couple became friends.

L was a blogger (who is no longer writing) that was relatively new to the D/s lifestyle and looking to expand her Dominance over her submissive husband.  I posted some comments on her blog with some advice and not long after we began to correspond via email and messenger.  L was a very good and caring person and we talked a lot about many things and our schedules managed to line up really well during off-peak hours.  L became a good friend.

In December of 2012 depression hit me VERY badly.  T and I weren't getting along very well.  My only local D/s friend had died earlier in the year (Marc from Cleo & Marc).  I was feeling quite alone and my thoughts were leaving me in a very dark, very bad place.  L was really my only lifeline in the D/s realm.

D/s keeps my demons at bay.  While serving it's impossible for me to feel worthless since I am fulfilling a role of service to the one I love.  When it's at it's most intense, it's impossible for me to be trapped in my own head since I'm focused on her.  Fears of being cast aside or replaced are kept in check by merit, if I am good, she will keep me.  Loneliness goes away since I can make her happier with me there than without.

L did her best to support me as a friend but that wasn't enough to stave off the depression.  At the time (and the desperate mindset I was in) I felt like I had one of two choices to save myself: retreat offline or beg her for D/s interaction or assignments.  I knew that the latter was a very unfair and inappropriate request, so I didn't do that.  Instead I retreated into some hobbies and buried this persona deep within myself.  I withdrew from every online community I was active in (both vanilla and kinky) and just went dark.  I stopped getting on the computer.  I started to use my phone for email and pretty much quit using the internet for anything except paying bills or looking up maps/phone numbers. 

L and I kept in touch for a little while longer but I was no longer making time for anyone or anything online related.  I put up defensive barriers inside to block things out and changed everything about my daily routines.  I wasn't sure how long this would last but it ended up being 3.5 years (when I initially thought it would be a matter of weeks/months).  Aside from a couple of posts inspired by Lady Grey's blog, I pretty much stayed away from this part of myself.

As I've been reflecting, the person I know that I really let down was L.  We interacted a little bit in the past year and she is no longer active in D/s and I can tell that I really hurt her.  My withdraw was shitty and terrible and I am aware of this. 

On the off chance that you end up reading this, L, I'm so very sorry.  I have no reasonable excuse and I don't expect forgiveness, I just know my abandoning things was wrong and none of it was your fault.  It was purely my fault, I was an asshole, and I am sorry. 

2 comments:

  1. I remember the shock when Marc died, and if you combine that with the fact that he was a personal friend of yours, plus an already burgeoning depression you were going through, it's no wonder you tuned out. I hope L does read this, and I hope she forgives you. When a person is in the throes of depression, logic goes out the window as the beast arrives in force. A heartfelt apology such as you just offered should go a long way toward healing the fracture. At least I hope so.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Lady Grey. I hope so as well.

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