Sunday, May 15, 2016

Reflections part 4g: Complications, Endings, and Changes

A lot of external difficulties plagued our relationship over most of its duration.

NOTE: This next paragraph is an edit.  The original version revealed a few too many personal details and for the sake of anonymity for the parties involved, I have changed it to a briefer summary.

Many of the events were rooted in the local BDSM community.  I continued attending munches for several months after F and I were together but kept our relationship a secret. F decided to display me at a local play party (our relationship had remained a secret in that circle up until that point) and this caused a bit of an uproar.  A friend of mine from that scene put 2+2 together and deduced that F and I were together.  What followed was a shit story of drama and catty backstabbing with some parties attempting to break up F and her husband out of spite, some attempting to break them up because they were interested in him as a sub, and some trying to break them (and us) up because they wanted to serve her instead.  I was also smeared with nasty rumors as an attempt to hurt her, out of jealousy that I was chosen, and in defense of her husband.  I started being a target of interest for a couple of Dommes and a handful of a subs who all of a sudden decided they were switches/Dommes now (apparently if F was interested in me, I must be good?).

F's husband confronted her about it before we even knew it was out.  Apparently multiple people had told him already (within 24 hours of the first person finding out).  She contacted me and was very upset.  Later on she came over and I invited her to stay as long as she wanted to.  I wept as I apologized but she assured me it would have happened sometime, it just happened now.  We had a few nice days together, although both of us were still stressed out, we got to experience what a full 24-7 life would be like. The next day I told F she could live with me from now on if she wanted to and that I would support her.  If she wanted to get married I would like that too. She told me she would think about it.  The 3rd day I returned home from work to a note.  F told me that she loved me and that she would love to live with me but it would create too many complications and she would have difficulty explaining it to her children (who were mostly my age or older).

She returned home and told her husband that she was happy and in love and that while they would continue to live together, her heart was with me and they would lead separate lives.  I stopped attending munches from then on.  F and I continued to see each other once a week, but our total in person contact was now down to ~4 times a month from 8-10.

As time passed, we continued on with our D/s but life started getting in the way.  A string of events in her life caused her to start canceling her visits.  4 times a month became 3, 3 became 2, 2 became 1, and so on.  I fell into a depression.  I distrusted everyone I had met in the BDSM community.  I had very few friends I could talk to, and no one I could talk to about everything.  F and I continued to chat online and on the phone, but every missed visit and I started to lose hope.  I started to act out a bit.  She arrived one day and the doorbell woke me up. Nothing was ready.  She asked me why and I said because I figured she would just cancel again.

I started spending more and more time alone.  Holidays were the hardest since I knew I wouldn't see or talk to her at all for weeks at a time.  I was so alone I didn't want to live anymore.  I tried some traditional dating with people I knew from college with the same results as before: friend zone, not attractive enough, etc.   It was clear to me that I needed D/s in my life, but I also just needed someone in my life.  F and I started going very long stretches with no contact at all.  Her daughter had moved in and we went 10 weeks without seeing each other and talked maybe 4 times.  I spent my next birthday alone and I ended up breaking down and calling a suicide hotline when the pain in my chest wouldn't go away.

A little bit later, she invited me for coffee and she dropped some news on me.  Her parents were needing care and she was moving 300 miles away.  With a glimmer of hope I asked if I could move with her.  She said no.  I broke down and cried in the coffee shop.  I drove home and cried for hours.  As often as it has happened to me, that feeling of loss always hurts the same.

I don't know how to interpret the events that followed.  I feel like kind of a dirt bag about it, but I also feel it was necessary.  I don't know but it has made me hate myself.

After F moved we barely spoke.  There were occasional emails but no real closeness.  I wanted a friend.  I hopped on collarme and started browsing.  I found a newer profile of a local Domme that was fairly new to the lifestyle citing she was looking for kink-friendly friends and people to learn from about the lifestyle.  By this time I had already had a bit of an internet presence giving advice to subs looking for Dommes and newer Dommes trying to understand subs, so I figured we could chat.  I contacted her (who I shall refer to as T) and told her I could share information, resources and advice if she was interested in chatting.  T replied and we started chatting and building a friendship.

I sent her all of the D/s resources I had accumulated over the years of assignments I had as well as more specialty resources on fringe interests.  We both talked about our experiences.  I told T about K and F.  T informed me that she had been in training with a local TG Domme.  When she started to explain the training I realized that this Domme had basically made T into a sub under the guise of training.  IMO, learning by experience is usually by doing, not by being "done to."  e.g. you learn to give a good foot rub by rubbing feet, not by having your feet rubbed, so you probably learn to spank by spanking someone, not by being spanked.  Or at the very least, being spanked and then spanking someone else to put it into practice.  I informed T of this and she wasn't all that happy with the Domme.

Soon we were talking on the phone.  A little bit later, T asked if we could meet up and I agreed.  We talked about a lot of things both BDSM and vanilla and had a very good time.  It didn't take long to see that T was a bit taken with me.  I made no advancements or flirtations, just kept on going down the friend path.  Coffee became dinner.  We were hitting it off and having a good time.  I started to get confused over what I should do.  I found her attractive but I didn't know what was the right course of action.  After dinner and desert, T asked if she could come over to my place, which was about a 5 minute drive.  I said that was fine, we went to my place, I made us coffee and we continued to talk.  By now T's signals were no longer subtle (thankfully I was finally perceptive enough to see when a woman is turned on).

I wasn't completely over F yet (hell, I probably wasn't completely over K yet either).  T was still a novice and wasn't going to be able to hop in where K or F left off.  T offered something I hadn't had before:  a real actual full time life.  I decided to drop the bomb and see what happened.  While we had talked about my attraction to women in fur before, now I was blunt, and I told her about my subspace, slavespace, and conditioning and that I pretty much needed to be humiliated in fur.  I needed her to be okay with that part of me if things were going to go any farther.  Her response was along the lines of "sure, why not?"  We played into the night, she stayed over, and we spent every day and night together for the next few weeks.

About 3 weeks in I cut my hand.  Badly.  I was out and about when it happened.  I called her and asked what I should do (she was a nurse and at work).  She told me to stop by and she would take a look at it.  I had taped it up with gauze and duct tape on the spot and kept it elevated on the drive.  When she unwrapped it her immediate response was "This is serious, give me a minute."  She told work she was leaving for an emergency and drove me to urgent care (I declined the ER since I had no insurance at the time).  I was sort of freaking out, worrying about the cost of treatment and I am a musician, and it was my playing hand, well, and it was really starting to hurt.  T helped me with the paperwork and when I was in getting treated she called my family that was in the area to let them know.  She also lined up another driver to help pick up my car.  I missed the next few days of work since my hand was useless and in pain.  T helped me with meals, washing my hair, getting dressed, and so on.  The next day I embraced her and told her I loved her.  She was there for me when I needed her. 

If you have read all of the posts up until now, may be curious why this is still in part 4 and not in part 5.  About 5 months later I received an email from F that was a one line "hey how are you?"  That's when it donned on me.  She had never officially dismissed me as a sub.  We had seen each other once in the past year and hadn't spoken since she moved.  I was over-whelmed with guilt.  I responded that I had met someone and that we were together.  This started some dialogue and I realized that she still felt that I was her sub.

I was honest and told her about T and I.  I linked her T's profile on collarme and they began to correspond together.  I felt sick about it since I knew what was going to eventually happen.  About 3 months later F came back to town for a few days.  She asked me to meet for coffee and I did.  We talked about our current lives.  She smiled and said she was happy that T was able to give me a life.  I admitted that my connection with T on a D/s level was never what F and I had together.  I started to cry.
"I still love you.  I love T as well."
"I'm not going to make you choose."
"It's not fair to either of you if I don't choose."
"I love you, slave, I always will.  I want you to know that."

She had tears in her eyes.  I began to weep.
"I'm sorry, but I need a life..."
"I understand, slave, and I can't give you that. I release you.  But remember, you promised me that you would be there to close my eyes for me when I die."

We sat together and cried for several minutes.  This was the same coffee shop where she had told me she was leaving.

F and I remained friends and probably talked more in the couple of years following than we had the previous year.  She still lives far away but now has a stable of slaves that are kept in 24-7 chastity.  Her cruelty continues to grow without bounds.  She is still married and her husband changed over time and is currently one of her slaves.

I really wish writing these endings didn't hurt so much.

To be continued.


  1. "I feel like kind of a dirt bag about it, but I also feel it was necessary. I don't know but it has made me hate myself."
    Why? I don't understand why you would hate yourself, I don't see anything to hate...

    1. Hi Misty.

      I feel a bit like I betrayed her. By that point it felt like there wasn't anyhthing left to save but it still felt awful.