Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Coping with submission and Fetish

My recent writings have got me thinking about just how much better I am at coping with who I am now.

At first I struggled with the idea of being a submissive and greatly struggled with certain activities that would change or add to the definition of who I was.  I could recognize it was an unavoidable part of me, but that led to a lot of fear and confusion while I was unable to come to terms with it, or to put it bluntly, I hated knowing what I was.

This continued to plague me over the years making it extremely difficult to balance the public and private parts of myself and it made me especially self-conscious when I found myself having to search for another relationship.  The more I spent in the lifestyle the more comfortable I became with some of the more generic or benign ideas.  e.g. It's really not that big of a deal to be a sub and to enjoy "spicier" sexual interactions involve bondage or a spanking here and there, etc.  Get people drunk enough and if things get brought up, you'll find quite a few vanilla couples who have a lot of experience on the kinkier side of the fence.

After a while, I grew to be comfortable in that way.  I've even been able to say to friends, without going into details, that "I was trained as a sex slave for several years."  Most people are more intrigued by this than put off but I wouldn't share more than surface elements.  If the person was a man, I could simply cover some of the events my baser state is more proud of, such as developing sexual skills and being proficient at making a woman orgasm.  The most common response was usually, "Dude, that's awesome."  If the person was a woman, I could talk about treating a Domme as a Queen and waiting on her, pleasuring her, and so on while putting her needs above mine at all times.  The response in these cases was usually along the lines of, "Aww, that's so sweet, I wish I could get a man to do that."

When you start to think about the positives that D/s and femdom provide for a sub as a person, the shame and embarrassment of associating oneself as a submissive tends to go away. 

The larger obstacle to overcome is the kinky fetish driven side of things.  When it comes to my fetishes, I truly do feel like a disgusting, freaky pervert.  I didn't ask to become this, it just ended up happening.  I also know it can't be undone, so there's no point in lamenting over it.  It's who I am.  I have accepted that much.

In this regards, coping was a much slower and more gradual process.  I've grown to feel that as long as one person accepts me and loves me as I am, that is all that matters to make it okay.  Her opinion is the only one that counts, so I should believe in it, and if I'm good enough for her, then I can feel okay about who I am. 

I think it also took me a while for my submission to develop to an extent where I can truly feel that the world beyond her doesn't matter.  Once I got there, it was quite liberating.  This is why I value relationships so very much, even if they are flawed, even if they are difficult, finding someone who accepts you is a very rare and very special thing. 

If my relationship with T were to end, not only would I be very sad, but I would also be back to feeling like my disgusting, freaky pervert of a self was a problem.  I do feel for those who are not in a D/s relationship and are struggling to find the "only one that matters."  My advice to them is to just keep focusing on bettering your submissive self and eventually someone will notice.


  1. I'm wondering if you viewed the very first scene of the very first episode on Showtime's "Billions"? That scene, and several others as the show progressed, might just wind up being a somewhat revolutionary step toward mainstream acceptance of male submission. Or is this just wishful thinking on my part? I do believe the show has been signed for another season, so obviously it resounded with many people. If so, it would be a large step forward for the many men who suffer in silence with their desire for submission in a world where it's still easier to come out as gay than as a male submissive.

    As things now stand, having that one person who is your Dom and understands and accepts you for what you are is absolutely vital for a successful relationship. Unfortunately, this sort of relationship is still usually kept secret from those in your circle of acquaintances. Such a shame.

    1. Thank you, Lady Grey. I have not seen Billions but I will make an effort to watch it over the next couple of days.

      I agree completely with your assessment that being gay is more socially acceptable. I think a lot of this is rooted in that people are more accepting since popular belief has finally gravitated to the idea that being gay isn't a choice. Being a submissive, on the other hand, is widely viewed as "optional," and is treated as a deviant choice rather than a subconscious need.

      At least kink as a whole is getting more acceptable and less taboo. I had one friend in our circle approach me once citing some marital problems and said, "I can tell you guys are kinky, what do you think I should do?" I must hide it well because no one ever guesses that I'm a sub. I've also given plenty of "man" advice to T's vanilla women friends and when I describe the ideal way I believe a man should behave towards his wife/girlfriend most respond with a, "if you find a man like that, send him my way." Deep down I know they would freak out if they knew what I was actually describing.

    2. I started watching Billions last night. It's pretty good so far, I just sort of cringe when I think that someone's first exposure to D/s might be some acts that are more extreme than even I'm into. I will write a longer entry about it later. Thank you for mentioning the show.