It feels natural to write a summary over all this... I don't know, sort of like the end of semester assignments in class or something like that. Upon completing it I feel it might work best as an introduction to the work as a whole.
I started writing these reflections upon Lady Grey's suggestion that I try to return to writing in a more personal way. I've been away from this side of myself for quite a while now and have a much firmer grasp of myself and better understanding of the D/s lifestyle dynamics than when I started this blog 6 years ago.
When I originally wrote my story in my early posts back in 2010, I labored over how to present myself and carefully composed an ultra-condensed version covering a span of about 5 years. I was still very insecure with my place in this world and subconsciously chose to skim over certain things to avoid really having to look at what had happened.
I figured looking back on the beginning and working my way forwards was as good of a place as any, looking to use all that I have learned over the past 6 years to shed insight upon the events of the past. I felt there was no reason to censor myself and I may as well let it all "hang out there," to be completely honest to both myself and anyone who may be reading. I originally anticipated writing ~500-600 words covering it all across maybe 3 or 4 total posts. Unlike before, I wanted to keep the majority of the writing "in the moment," and as I attempted to re-live the events in my head I felt a strong connection to the feelings I had at the time and tried to channel things from there.
I surely hope that this was able to come through in the writing, although I know for a fact there are several posts that I wasn't able to complete in 1 sitting due to time constraints, unplanned changes in arousal levels due to outside distractions, or having to regain my composure after stopping to cry. I apologize in advance for those moments where the writing may seem to abruptly change, almost like it was being written by two different people.
Little did I know that channeling my feelings would several thousand words' worth of material, much of it flowing naturally. The post splits were necessary to adequately flush out one aspect of my submission without diluting the the post with important, yet barely related events. In these cases I would often quickly begin a new draft, jotting down some notes for what would be the next section, and then continuing back upon the post I was working on. By the time I reached part 4 I had drafts of the next 6 parts ready to be filled in.
At times during the writing I felt my head completely spinning out of control. I wrote from my heart, reliving moments, recalling the fear, joy, shame, sadness, love, confusion, intimacy, curiosity, anger, desperation, and arousal that they entailed. As I approached the end of each primary part I dreaded what would come next, almost like I wanted to keep stretching out the good times forever in order to prevent the inevitable collapse.
Writing about the events leading up to and the eventual endings hurt. It hurt a lot. Several paragraphs took well over an hour to write 5 sentences because I couldn't stop crying and the guilt I felt about the choices I made in those situations returned at a very real level.
Usually when I write, it's with a goal of being informative and/or helpful: to educate people and provide a greater understanding some of the less tangible aspects of D/s, subspace, humiliation, fetishes, and the like. I have no clue whether this body of work as a whole will be able to do any of that, at least not directly. I'm sure in some ways there will be at least one person who can draw something that helps them from these words, even if it's just the knowledge that someone else out there has had similar feelings and experiences, and lets them know, "I'm not the only one, I'm not alone."
Thank you for reading.