Monday, May 16, 2016

Reflections part 1xx

I have one more thing I think is worth adding to this part, although I wish I would have thought of it before posting 1x.

It was about 3 years ago that I first remembered my experiences with M, well after I started this blog, and I had never really considered that she played a part in me becoming a submissive.  These Reflections posts have involved a large amount of tearing down down defensive walls within me, my childhood being a very large one.  Most of my pre-high school memories have been on lockdown for many years.

When I started writing part 1b, it was from an "oh yeah, I remember M used to tease and torment me a bit..." point of view.  It wasn't until I started to really delve into the first experience that the rest of it came rushing back.  They weren't isolated occurrences.  They happened 5-15 times a year over the course of 4-6 years (I can't recall the exact age I was when they started).  At some point during that stretch, girls stopped being "gross," and I think I was really taken by M.  This just made me more shy and awkward around her since I didn't know how to deal with those feelings.  The fact that she quit coming to see me after I had an erection with her was a source of great shame and I felt like I had driven her away (and was another big reason I had blocked this out).

What really stands out thematically for me is that she really made me feel like I was special in some way and in the moment, I felt very safe.  My mother and sister did nothing to protect me from my father, and I believe I must have craved the feeling that M could provide when no one else could.

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