Sunday, May 15, 2016

Reflections part 4f: Competence

Another semi-out-of-order post here... more of a "while everything else was happening, this also developed over time" deal again.

I think one of the biggest things that actually helped lead F towards the Domme she was to become was my competence as a submissive.  F loved to punish and to come up with unique and unpleasant punishments.  However, "punishing" implies a reason, and that reason is usually a mistake, shortcoming, or behavior that requires it.  Basically, I just didn't screw up enough or make enough mistakes to allow F to unleash the array of punishments she wanted to.

One day I brought it up directly.
"I know you have a lot of things you'd like to do but it seems like you are holding them back.  Am I right?"
"Yes, slave.  You haven't done anything to deserve them yet."
"Do you think that I'll do something that will make me deserve them?"
"I don't know.  Probably not, but it might happen."
"If you felt I deserved them, would you enjoy doing them?"
"Yes.  A lot."

Do keep in mind that I do not like pain, but I could sense this was necessary for the D/s dynamic to have healthy growth in our relationship.  I channeled my inner used car salesman.

"I can think of several reasons why you should feel okay doing whatever, whenever.  Do you want to hear them?"
"Yes, slave."
"First reason, I'm a male.  When does a male not deserve punishment?"
"Good point."
"Second reason, because you enjoy it.  What's more important, your pleasure or my pain?"
"I see your point."
"Third reason, does a Queen need a reason to torture a slave?"
"No. She can do it whenever she wants to."
"Okay.  Last reason, and I want you to really think about this one.  Picture me bound and at your mercy, you're torturing me.  I'm in tears, suffering at your mercy, and I look up and whimper, 'why are you doing this to me?'  You look down and respond, 'Because I can.'  Can you picture the look on my face and body language at that moment?"
"Yesssss," she hissed.  I could tell I just made her very wet.

I knelt and kissed her feet before prostrating myself.
"Mistress, I give you my all and you may do as you please."

From then on F was a lot more liberal in what she chose to subject me to.  I think she was able to view it as "just play" for her, even if it wasn't a good kind of play for me.  I didn't mind, although some of it was quite unpleasant.  I spent hours kneeling on uncooked rice on a hard floor with bells attached and was told not to move (and make the bell ring).  I spent hours kneeling  (with bells on) on a plastic computer chair carpet protector mat that was turned over so that the spikes faced up.  Hog ties, sensory deprivation, chained to a shelf, the tight fitting sweater we bought with sand paper underneath on my nipples, clips, clamps, and clothes pins.  Being hit with a quirt, hairbrush, slapper, flogger, crop, etc.  I knew better than to ask, "why?"

Was this topping from the bottom or just giving a nudge?  I didn't really care, it just made me happy that she seemed even more alive when she was doing these things.

To be continued.

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