Sunday, May 15, 2016

Reflections 1x: The Aftermath

It realized yesterday that my experiences in 1b really did yield a large number of changes in me.  These happened slowly over the course of my interactions with M and continued on from there.  They seemed to plant a seed that was nurtured by my deeper fears and feelings although I was quite unaware of it at the time.

I was raised to win.  To be excellent. To give my best all the time, overcome all obstacles, and win.  Winning wasn't a reward, it was an expectation.  It brought me no joy, only a break from the fear of losing... the fear of not being good enough... the fear of being ignored after I would disappoint.

I was also a supposed to be a "tough guy."  Tough guys don't cry.  They don't whine when they are cold.  Tough guys don't bundle up.  Gloves, hats, coats, etc. are all optional for a tough guy.  If I wasn't a tough guy, I was a wuss, and a wuss wasn't a winner.

At a young age I had built up a front to match those expectations of me.  M shattered those expectations.  She overpowered me and I was soundly defeated.  There was something different going on here though.  When she took me, I felt safe.  It was like she expected me to lose and losing to her felt pretty good.  It was a stark contrast to losing to my father, which was very unpleasant.  I think that I grew to like to losing to M to repeat the feelings of safety.

When I think back I realize that my play habits started to change after that.  When playing with action figures and the like, I preferred associating with the losing side (the bad guys).  No matter how great of an advantage in numbers, resources, planning, and firepower, they always lost.  While there was the standard "it looks like they'll win this time," routine in cartoons and comics, the good guys were just vastly superior and would dominate them at every turn when things really mattered.

Most toy series had relatively few female characters but the ones that were there were generally badasses.  The "good guy" women were extreme smart, prolific, ass-kickers.  The "bad guy" women were usually competent, intelligent, and cruel.  In most cases, the bad women would lead a cadre of incompetent bad men, lose due to their inferiority, and she would jet in the confusion leaving them to be completely defeated and captured.  I replayed this scenario many times with toys, the good women defeating the inferior bad men and taking them prisoner.  I felt a close bond with the inferior men.

In my actual life I ended up being quite smart and strong and usually won.  When I would lose to M I felt better about myself.  She was my badass and I felt that way about her for years.

M's bondage was really a perfect storm of events.  Bad weather was at the root of a lot of it.  Being stuck indoors.  Loads of extra clothing.  Multiple sets of it readily available.  I don't know if it ever could have happened under other circumstances.

As I was raised to be a tough guy and was accustomed to going out in winter with barely a coat on.  Boots were only used as a means to prevent ruining shoes.  I never wore hats or scarves.  Gloves only if it was really bad.  If I had managed to get frost bite on my ears, the most I wore was a headband until they healed.  When M bound me with scarves and a hat, the tough guy was utterly defeated.

I'm not a psychologist, but I would have to guess that these early experiences created some associations that I wasn't aware of.  Losing to a strong woman = safety and protection.  Girls winter clothing = surrender.

For most of my youth I found myself unavoidably drawn to strong women.  In winter my eyes always managed to find girls that were bundled up, as much as I might try to avert them.  I kept these secrets buried deep within me for as long as I could remember, terrified that anyone would ever find out about that part of me.

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