Reluctant Dominance Part 3

Because this horse isn't quite dead yet...

Thank you everyone for the comments so far.  As my thoughts and feelings continue to process and settle, I realize just how much effort I have gone to in order to avoid making this post seems like it's going at a couple of individuals.

The reality is that it's what I would say to some of them if I cared to attempt communicating with them again, which I do not. 

Large chunks of the previous posts on this included descriptions of the women that I felt were justified in feeling like dominance is a favor.  That may have muddied things a bit, but I try not to make general statements without covering "both sides." 

I shall still avoid dragging this person through the mud, but I will simply say that my attempts at asking about their belief structure weren't met kindly.  When I asked for an elaboration I got the "being dominant is doing the submissive a favor" attitude.

I like to think of myself as a pretty decent guy and a pretty decent sub.  I like to help people.  I like learning things.  I like getting to know and understand ideas that are different than mine.  I like making new friends. 

In this case I basically saw someone that looked like a good and interesting person with a few beliefs that seemed to be blocking them from finding success.  They are searching for a sub/lover.  While I am not searching for a Dominant, it was clear to me that a few of these beliefs were going to make their search absurdly difficult.

I figured a dialogue would either give reasons for those beliefs.  Some beliefs are reasonable if their frame of reference is understood.  With none given it felt a lot more like posturing and a 3-horned unicorn hunt as I do not believe that the average submissive would be capable of handling what they laid out for longer than say... a month.  A doormat might survive, but they were wanting much more than most doormats have to offer. 

So... I had attempted to help but it clearly wasn't welcomed. 

I will close this with my final feelings on the subject. As much as I favor a woman in complete control, as much as I can handle my freedoms being taken away and my pleasure denied, as much as I will suffer for someone's amusement, and as much as I will sacrifice in the name of love, I don't think I would ever feel safe offering my submission who didn't value it. 

I am guessing I am not alone in those feelings.

Reluctant Dominance Part 2

It took me a few hours to find out why I was bothered enough to write the post on Reluctant Dominance yesterday and why what I read originally was enough to sour my mood.

Well, the sour mood is firmly rooted in being too sensitive and/or frustration at some of the things people say.  This topic had been on my mind for more than a week seeing as how it managed to surface itself on several blogs that I read.  The too sensitive part had to do with how it was communicated to me during a comment exchange on one of those blogs.

Now that my feelings are in order and I can tell that my thoughts are rational, I'm finally able to convey what I had hoped to during that post before getting wrapped up in romantic idealism and tearing the fangs off.

The idea that dominance is done as a favor and caters only to a man's desires diminishes the value of submission. 

I hold no malice towards women who after X years of marriage find out their husband had been hiding something major to them for several/many years.  For those people, dominance as a favor is an understandable point of view.

However, I do not understand how a Domme who entered through conditional means would hold or communicate this point of view and have it yield successful long-term relationships.

If my submission is not special, why was I chosen?
If my submission is not special, why am I careful about who I offer it to?
If my submission is not special, why should I feel like I have any value in the relationship?

This point of view is very good at damaging a sub's psyche.  It also passes over the path to developing deep bonds and loving devotion. 

Am I missing the boat here or are these feelings reasonable?

30 Days of Submission: Day 2

Describe who you might submit to and how. 

I submit to the woman I love.  I submit in body, mind, and spirit.  It is how I display the strength of my love for her.  

No clue if I answered "how" in that.  I don't even understand how to answer that.

Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? 

Well, seeing as I have never been married... none of the above.  I was engaged to my first Mistress.  During the latter portion of my time with T things did turn into bedroom only.

To answer the question I believe they are asking... I submit in life to the one I love.  It extends beyond the bedroom and dominates my thoughts.

Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? 

Both role and daily life.  I have to put on my alpha face at work and around strangers.  In private life I am fine as a submissive in all aspects, but how submissive I am varies by my role at the time.  e.g. I will be different if I am doing chores, worshipping her body, being disciplined, nursing her back to health when she is sick, etc.  

I try to adapt as needed and act with enough "freedom" as necessary to accomplish my desired tasks.

Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

I have done the play partner thing back when I was newer and between relationships.  It is not something I desire but I won't say I wouldn't consider it again if I found myself single.

As things are I only submit to the one I love or anyone she directs me to serve, but I see that as being submissive to her and not "submitting to someone else."

30 Days of Kink: Day 2

List your Kinks.

Eh gads.  Guess I will have to let some things hang out there.  I suppose if I list them in a comma separated fashion and try to get them to blend all together that I won't feel as embarrassed.  Wishful thinking.

Wait.  How is this different from Day 1?

Oh well.  To varying degrees I guess my kinks include power exchange, bondage, gags, blindfolds, domestic discipline, domestic service, body worship, forced feminization, humiliation, face sitting, chastity, tease and denial, nipple play, cunnilingus, women in fur, women in boots, women in gloves, face slapping, piercings, cages, collars, leashes, consensual non-consent, mind-fucking, and emotional masochism.

Describe what it is about being Dominant or submissive that excites and arouses you the most.

Feeling owned and controlled is what does it for me the most.  I get aroused at rules, roles, and expectations.  Pleasing her.  Making her happy.  Earning her love.  Anything that says "I am hers."  This makes me feel warm, safe, and peaceful inside.  I will endure whatever she asks of me.  My desire to make her proud of me motivates me to no end.  I consider myself lucky that this arouses me.  

Reluctant Dominance

I will warn that I'm writing a bit with the armor on right now after getting a bordering-on-hostile delayed response to some comments I made a week ago.

I'm trying to steer the ship away from Rantville.  My apologies if we end up in Shittsburgh.

I am sympathetic towards Dommes that find themselves in the role due to love.  These women are frequently married and have been for a long enough time to establish a life they wished to continue when they discover that their husband or significant other is secretly a submissive and has been hiding it from her since they met. 

False advertising.  Bait and switch.  Betrayal.  Anger.  Frustration.  Hurt.  Conflicted.  Reluctant Dommes really are pushed through a gauntlet of unpleasant emotions before they finally reach the decision that they love their husband enough to give dominance a go.  Finding out this new information doesn't change what they have built together.  I find these women to be courageous and the men should and usually do feel lucky that she didn't kick them to the curb.

You can find examples of these relationships all over the blogosphere.  Some of the women fully embrace it and become rather imposing and fearsome Dommes.  Some of the women half embrace it and have their moments of good and bad.  Others may attempt to go through the motions but half-resent it (you find these on blogs written by miserable subs). 

There is one point of view that is unique to these women: they see D/s as doing the man a favor. 

I can understand this point of view.  I can empathize with it, just as I'm sure anyone who has done things they didn't want to do in the name of love can.  It is making lemonade when they never asked for lemons in the first place.

That being said, I don't really understand it when a Domme who hasn't experienced this situation takes on this point of view.   It just seems really... entitled. 

I tend to view D/s as a set of complimentary parts.  A yin and yang.  The alpha and omega.  The top and bottom.  The giver and the receiver (and/or receiver and giver). 

Without the D, the s is simply docile.  Without the s, the D is abuse. 

It is when the D and s come together that beauty happens.  Harmony.  Love.  Bonds.  Trust.  Intimacy. 

The submissive offers up their body, their soul, their vulnerability, their obedience, their devotion, their efforts, their time, their perseverance, and their control.
The Dominant receives what the sub offers and in turn offers control, rules, and expectations. 

Rationally, this is not a fair trade, but D/s is anything but rational.  We accept that both parties welcome and agree to these terms.  This is how they want to live and choose to live by their own will.

I guess I just find it puzzling when people who are looking to establish D/s relationships don't view it this way.  I don't like it when someone treats Dominance like a favor.  Nor do I care for the idea that submission is a favor either.  We do it because this is what we want.  We do it because this is what we need to feel whole, alive, and happy.

If a Domme has true grounds to feel entitled in any way, it is due to supply and demand.  Dommes are the rare commodity.  Any sub who's ever tried to win a Domme's attention understands this.  If there is any favor it is in giving the sub a chance.  I don't see it as any favor to be what you both want.

30 Days of submission: Day 1

Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? 

What I have had and strive for would probably be best described as 24-7 or FLR.  

Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? 

It would probably best be classified as dominant/submissive.  I don't know what Taken in Hand is but the capital letters make it sound important.

If you do not use a label, why?

We've always used a label but I suppose would could drop it if that is what she wanted.

30 Days of Kink: Day 1 - You

"Dominant, submissive or switch?"

Submissive.  

"List the parts of BDSM that get your juices flowing, what interests you the most? Basically define your kinky nature."

Oh, such an open ended question.  I fear if I answered all of it that it would probably be around 10,000 words and probably answer the next 29 days worth as well.  I'll try to go at this in a concise way as it pertains to the question.

D/s and power exchange are definitely my strongest draw.  They bring me into a place that feels natural, peaceful, and happy.  It is at these times that I feel like I am the best version of myself and I'm free to love to the extent that I want to.

Bondage has been a strong interest of mine for a very long time.  I like to feel contained... kept... secured... and under her control.  I prefer things that lock.  Gags, blindfolds, and earplugs also do it for me in addition to restraints.  If cages classify as bondage, they belong here too.

The other items that pull me in are mostly in regards to D/s and how they affect my subspace as I don't really enjoy them on their own merit... but when they interact with dynamics they become something I crave on some level.

-Domestic Service.

-Domestic Discipline.

-Humiliation.

-Chastity.

-Forced Feminization.

-Consensual Non-consent.

-Body Worship. 

-Rules/Protocols.

-Tease & Denial.

Writing Prompts

A thank you to Mrs Fever from Temperature's Rising for suggesting some writing prompts. 

While I seem to be able to churn out the posts as of now I figure doing some of them will let me write with some additional focus and reveal more things about myself for those who haven't had the time (or desire) to get through my Reflections series, which is long as hell and I don't blame you.

As my first choice I was deciding to go with the 30-days of kink or 30-days of submission... but I feared that doing them one after another would probably just cause a bunch of rehashing so I've decided to do both of them at the same time.

My apologies to those of you who find it tedious enough to read the seven posts a day I have been making lately.

I'm a bit envious

I have to say that I'm a little bit envious of femsubs.  It's not that I desire to be female or to be in a Mf type of relationship, but that world is just so drastically different that I can't help but feel a slight bit of envy.

In the past year I have interacted with more femsubs in the blogosphere than ever before and with a lot more regularly since the days when I still attended munches with a local BDSM group.

If anything, the envy comes from the fact that there are so many different types of sub/Dom relationships that exist in Mf that just rarely if ever happen in Fm.  In a way, it's sort of like telling one side, "oh, you can be anything if you set your mind to it.  You can be a doctor, lawyer, or whatever you want to be."  On the other side, it's "oh, you're a man.  You can be a butler."

I know this is a horribly biased over-simplification, but sometimes it feels this way.  Don't get me wrong, I am completely down for a life of loving service and devotion, but I have to wonder if there was only one path available to femsubs if they would also carry the stigma of being "wankers."

e.g.  A femsub little finds a Daddy Dom that will care for them in such a way that both the little and submissive needs are taken care of.  A malesub little pays $250 an hour and is a pariah.

I guess it's just strange to me that in many Mf relationships it draws out the nurturing and protective sides of men, but with Fm, it feels almost like the opposite.  In clarification of that last sentence, I do believe that Dommes are loving and caring, it's just in a very different way.  It feels almost as if dominant women do not want to have any maternal instinct when it comes to dealing with subs.  That is understandable on many levels, I just find it interesting.

I'm not trying to judge and say that any one way is right or wrong, it just fascinates me how different the endgames are.

A post on subspace

I have been meaning to write a post on subspace for about a week now.  This is attempt #9 as the first 8 all found the delete button.

I've never been fond of the working definitions people associate with the term subspace, the most common of which being the state of being resulting from adrenaline and endorphins following corporal punishment.

I've always felt that subspace, for those who allow themselves to be truly vulnerable, reaches much deeper into the soul than that of a physical response.  Some conversations with Watson last year have me believing that subspace does involve a release of certain brain chemicals and this state of being can become addictive, but neither of us wagered a guess on exactly what chemicals they were.

I find it difficult to explain subspace to someone that has never experienced it.  In that way, it's a lot like love.  You can describe love all you want to someone who's never been in it but they can never truly grasp it until they experience it first hand. 

While I crave subspace, I would not describe it as a good feeling.  It is an entire mental state that shifts our focus in a desirable way.  For myself, I feel that inside subspace I am centered.  My life force feels in alignment.  Distractions from the outside world don't phase me.  I exist in a manner which pleases me because it is pleasing to her.  She is the center of my universe and everything that entails becomes abundantly clear.  All of the other noise fades away. 

While any Domme that has never been submissive will not have first hand understanding of this mind state, I find a good number of lifestyle Dommes that shares bits of their lives with us on the internet are able to control it freely.  Not only that, but many of them strongly enjoy controlling it. 

I will paraphrase an example that I have read dozens of times across various blogs that involve chastity.  The words I remember reading are along the lines of this: "When she take control of his arousal and his sexual pleasure, all of the energy he used to spend thinking about his own pleasure becomes directed at her." 

I believe these words perfectly describe my feelings as I drift into subspace.  I exist for her.  She decides what is right and wrong.  My purpose is to please her.  Because chastity has such a noticeable and immediate effect, it is one of the reasons I see it as appealing... even if that means giving up control of something dear to me. 

In that example, chastity serves as the trigger for subspace.  It instills a set of feelings within the sub that push his mind into a focused and controlled state.  From my times spent in chastity, the sound of the lock closing shut crushes the male ego in a wave of realizations: She took my penis away from me. She is in control.  She is all that matters.  Any desire that goes against her will is selfish.  Selfish subs are unworthy.

What makes this difficult to express is that it is so far removed from the rational mind.  The soul craves these feelings.  The rational mind just feels loss.  The sex experiences unconscious arousal even though sexual desire is laughable.  My mind realizes, I do not want this, but it feels so right for my being.

An interesting thing about subspace triggers is that they are almost all negative things to the rational mind.  They are all symbols of control.  They are all things that make us feel more... owned... possessed... and consumed.  Domestic discipline is a trigger because we deserve to be corrected to better serve her will.  Humiliation is a trigger because it strips away our pride and dignity and the last of our resistance.  Bondage is a trigger because it displays her control and our helplessness within it.  Rules are a trigger because we must remain vigilante and mindful of her instructions.  Fear is a trigger because we are at her mercy.  Anticipation is a trigger because we never know what will be asked of us next. 

I believe that most subs show this on their face.  They humble themselves as the ego dies.  They cringe and frown as she keeps them off balance.  You can see it on their faces as they are shoved deeper into the abyss.  Their sex betrays them while they may appear in agony, their penises show the truth.  Their soul calls for this.  The deeper they go, the more they love, and the more they are willing to endure.  This is how I feel in subspace.  Go deep enough and the rational mind falls silent.  All that is left is the submissive, completely vulnerable and with a heart overflowing with love.  He exists to please her. 

This is what I crave.  It is my subspace.

Positivity from now on... I hope

I've made a lot of frustration posts in the past few months.  It should have been blatantly obvious as to why, but I kept thinking that things would "work out" and all of those feelings would wash away.

The reality of it is that I've been stuck in a cycle.  Feel lonely, reach out, get hopes up, get ignored, feel hurt, feel frustrated, feel more lonely. 

It's really a strange feeling.  When I look to interact to others I have no agenda aside from seeking company.  People to correspond with.  Go back and forth about ideas.  Find some conversation.  Many of us have to hide ourselves from most of the world.  It feels wonderful to have some people to be open and honest with.

Over the years I've always thought I was a fairly interesting guy.  I know enough about a lot of things to be able to hold a conversation on a good number of topics.  I'm not too proud to admit when I don't know something but if it's an important topic of someone I am getting to know I'm genuinely interested in learning more. 

I try to be respectful and polite, never insisting and trying my best not to over-step boundaries.  I'm a bit shyly awkward at first but it doesn't take much to get me to open up.  Once I feel comfortable I'm pretty damn funny.  I am open to communicating with men, women, TG's, Dominants, submissives, switches, you name it.  


For decades of my life I seemed to have enough social competence to get by.  I made friends... good ones.  It was easy for me to talk to people and people talked to me. 

What started happening last year was that it felt like no one wanted to talk to me.  They (literally) wouldn't respond to me, yet they would respond to others.  This is the most consistent frustration point for me.  Passive-aggressive rejection.  It hurts.  Much of my family life dealt within these terms and it wasn't a pleasant experience.  This type of reaction rattles me to my core.  It manages to prey on every insecurity I have... because I have no idea why I am being ignored.  I start getting down on myself for ever reason I can think of.  Not interesting enough.  Too awkward.  WTF is this pink blog shit?  Everyone hates sissies.  It all leads to self-doubt and a crumbling sense of self-esteem.

In other cases I have had them flat out insult me.  I actually prefer that type of treatment.  This seemed to happen only from the male FLR bloggers.  "Your kind aint't welcome here round these parts."  I'm accustomed to this.  Racism toughened me the hell up.  When confronted by someone in this way, I slap on the suit of armor, and shake my head thinking "wow, what a prick."  While it wears on me a bit, the majority of it slides off my back.  You can't cure ignorant. 

The other avenue I explore is the fur fetish community.  There are a HUGE number of closet submissives there along with a large number of kink-friendly sissies and TV/TG/CD's.  I don't know what it is, but they steer clear of me there as well.  Based upon the view counts I know that there are tons of people reading my fiction and looking at the posts that I make.  There are just so few willing to expose themselves by actually making a comment and if they do send a PM, they never respond when I reply. 

All in all this lead to a huge amount of hurt feelings that had built up inside of me over the past year.  The accumulation of a hundred small wounds can be just as bad as one big one.  Now that I am sitting in a better space I find myself wanting just to leave all this shit behind.  Drop it and move on.  I'd like to say that I learned something from it but the only thing I'm garnering at this time is, "wow, people suck."  In any case, I'm writing this to spell it out and get it out of my system.  To try and look forward and just keep going without the doubts that drag me down.

I've given up on fetlife.  If you like my blog feel free to hit me up on there, but I have no plan to take part in much there or contact anyone that I don't already know.  For years people were trying to get me to join there.  Now that I did last year it has been probably the most disappointing side of things for me.  I'm sure it works for some, but it has just brought me hurt and frustration.

I'm tired of having people hurt my feelings.  I don't want to put on armor.  I don't want to have to act tough when that's not who I want to be.  I just want to be me.  I want to feel safe being sensitive.  I want to care about others.  If I talk to someone, I want them to talk back.  It kind of hurts just realizing this is asking for a lot.

It feels good to be honest and to get all of this stuff off my chest.  I'm not really angry.  Even frustration is a mask.  I just find it easier to express it in a negative way than just saying that it hurt me.  I want to try to be more positive from now on.  Removing myself from negative situations is probably the first step in that goal.  Who knows if I will succeed or fail, but at least I'll try.

PS.  Feel free to chew me out and call me a hypocrite if you see me ranting within the next 30 days.

Revisiting the Big Take Away

The most recent post at Die starke Frau really gave me a blast from the past.

The I am quoting the excerpt from the excerpt which puts this post back in December of 2010.

"Both Lady Grey and Ms Marie have written about "the big take away". Banning the man for good from the one thing he loves the most. (Hunting, soccer, business, you name it...) And the response from the men involved and from the readers of the blogs has generally been overwhelming good. There is no doubt, that it is hot to read about it. The fantasy is amazing.

But me, in reality, I think I would not have the guts to resort to such intense and drastic means. "The big take away" is not some game. It is not something to turn the man on. It is not meant to give him pleasure. It is hard on him. He will hate it. He will not be pleased.

And the idea that the man will be pissed off... and pissed off with me...somehow throws me off balance.

Add to these points the fact that the men we are taking about are usually real alpha males, surrounded by beautiful women who are only waiting to please them, only waiting to start a relationship with them....

I am just not sure if I would dare to tell the man I love to chose between me and the thing he loves the most..."

I remember the posts in reference as well as Tina's post from 2010, which if I remember correctly (I haven't gone back to check), I did leave some comments on that she didn't like :)

I believe both of the original posts from Lady Grey and Ms. Marie are also gone.

I've been thinking about this for the past couple of days, especially because the events of the present post seemed to have Tina feeling a bit emotionally distressed.  I wanted to elaborate upon this a bit.  I hope that it will help in some way.

To summarize the original big takeaway posts (please correct me if I am wrong on this Lady Grey or Tina) is the idea that choosing one important aspect of the sub's life, something they have taken for granted, and taking it under control and denying it from then on.  If my memory serves me, I believe Lady Grey took away Karl's privilege to watch the NCAA March Madness Men's College Basketball tournament.  Tina mentioned a few in her excerpt but other things might include poker night with the buddies, drinking, eating steak, etc. 

At it's core, this is a control dynamic.  It sets the tone of the relationship and reinforces the idea that the Domme has the final say over things.  It also keeps the sub from being distracted by something other than focusing upon her needs.  While I can understand how this might seem cruel, I don't really think that it is.  Is there anything in my life that is important enough that I wouldn't give it up for the woman I love?  No. 

I don't see this as any different from giving up sexual control, and in fact, I believe if you could get men to answer honestly about their "5 favorite activities," I'm fairly certain that 95% of men would have "having an orgasm" on their list.  It is fairly established practice for Dommes to take control of the sub's orgasms out of the gate.  In my opinion, this is truly the big takeaway.

Something else to add is that this isn't done out of anger, spite, or malice.  It is not a punishment, it is not done in the heat of the moment, and it is not reactionary.  Taking "it" away is done more on principle.  There is no discussion, no bartering, no negotiations.  She rationally exerts her power and does it because she can.  Once it is gone it serves as a reminder that she can take anything... or grant anything.  She is all powerful. 

Is this act right for everyone?  Probably not.  I think a lot of it stems from the dynamics of the relationship.  This would not go over very well if your relationship is a partnership.  For relatively extreme D/s relationships, it is not a partnership as much as a focal point and support.  That doesn't make it any less loving, it just shifts the priorities into a clear-cut hierarchy.  That is, what she needs and wants are important and while what he needs will be taken care of, anything after that is granted solely at her discretion. 

Not all subs have the mental capacity for this.  Not all Dommes have the desire to push a sub that deep and maintain that level of dynamics.  There are subs that thrive in this.  There are Dommes that thrive in this.  When those two types come together it is a beautiful fit of complimentary pieces.  She is the yin and he is the yang.  On the sub's part this requires a disciplined state of mind and an enjoyment of deep levels of subspace. 

When he reaches that state, the big takeaway feels natural... justified... the way it is supposed to be.  He wants to be free of distractions and completely obedient to her.  He wants to be aware of her control and he loves her for it.  Thinking about what he has lost pushes him deeper.  Deep down inside he waits for her to take away #2, #3, #4, and #5, as the loss of each one systematically penetrates his soul, strengthening her control over him... strengthening their bond.  With each one he feels less of his old self as he becomes even more a vessel of her will.  Eventually, it doesn't feel like a loss at all.  It feels like love, each time he finds himself closer to what he wants to be: perfect for her.  He is grateful that she takes the time to shape him so.

Not all submissive men experience it in this way.  Some do.  I can say that it requires a lot of trust, a lot of love, and a lot of faith that this is how your lives should be. 

PS.  Lady Grey if you are reading this, I still think you could torture Karl in a fun way using a tournament bracket and having him pick the outcomes with penalties for each wrong game :)

Training Wheels

Lady Grey's most recent post had some comments from an individual that had me ready to go to battle but as she wished that line of discussion to end, I felt it's better for me to continue here rather than cluttering up her blog comments.

In all honesty, I'm not trying to be overly harsh on the guy, but the best way to put it is that he just didn't get it.  Did not get it at all.  I try not to be too hard on the inexperienced.  We are all inexperienced before we become experienced.  I've been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.  However, it becomes clear when someone is "open to learning" and "hopes to gain understanding" through questions and discussion.  It becomes just as clear when someone asks questions and will continue to repeat the question in different ways until receiving the answer they want.

I don't play that game.

In the route of trying to educate, here is where that individual is missing the boat.
A basic summary of their views: The events and dynamics displayed in the example are too harsh and abusive.  The Domme is acting in an irresponsible manner for putting their sub through such trials and tribulations.  Secondary belief: It is irresponsible for another Domme to witness this and not step in to act.

Addressing the first part, it is clear to me that the person making the comments has experience that ranges somewhere between none to limited, limited being possibly some dabbling in a BDSM scene or paid pro.  I believe this because the views are straight out of a BDSM basics beginner guide.

Negotiated limits and expectations, everyone is happy, trust the Dominant, etc.  If they push anything too far, it's abuse.  While all of these things are pretty true for both a BDSM newbie or experienced lifestyle D/s practitioner, the frame of reference is completely different.

I'm going to stereotype here, but from my experiences, 99% of BDSM guides are written in a manner to teach a novice 20 year old women how not to get raped and abused by a 35 year old predatory Dom.  While it is valuable to teach these people these skills, they are not the target demographic of those ideals.

In fact, D/s-based F/m lifestyle relationships tend to violate quite a few of the original principles, but not when taking their frame of reference into account.  Not very many subs are capable of living a strict lifestyle situation.  The ones that don't fit the bill tend to favor play over subspace and view a lot of things from the standpoint of consensual mutual pleasure.  The ones that thrive in a lifestyle situation are cut differently.  They enjoy the dynamics.  They enjoy the consensual non-consent.  They enjoy being broken down, pushed, and trained into the form that the Domme likes best. 

It's not very straight-forward, but it is there.  The enjoyment happens in a different way.  It's not a straight up physical type of pleasure.  It is a pleasure that speaks to them at their submissive core.  The best feelings they can have are to feel owned, controlled, obedient, and pleasing.  This type of relationship is a completely different animal.

The trust here is VERY deep but it is different.  There is no safe word.  There is no green/yellow/red.  This is the system they want and they trust the Domme with their life. 

Going back to the examples from Lady Grey's post, David knew Vanessa was intense.  They had been together for a while.  This wasn't a negotiated singular event of a some bondage and some paddle spanking with defined limits and ends.  This was a total submission of self to her will.  This was his choice.  This is what he wanted.  He turned his back on it and the pull was strong enough to make him return and subject himself to whatever she deemed necessary to prove himself.

So to the person with the comments, you are wrong by seeing this relationship as something that it is not.  This was not a first meeting in a local BDSM scene.  This was the training of a sub/slave that fully agrees to living an unfair life.  He gets off to living an unfair life.  That is his desire, or he wouldn't have gone back to face his punishment.  If you can understand what kind of choice that is, you will understand why what happened was completely reasonable.

As for the secondary belief that Lady Grey should have taken some active role to step in and stop this from happening... there are appropriate boundaries that happen between friends.  For lack of a better example, most people will get offended if you try and tell them how to parent and raise their children.  D/s functions on the same level of respecting boundaries. 

That being said, there are lines that the people can cross where stepping in is the correct choice.  e.g. It's one thing for a parent to discipline their child with a firm spanking.  It's another for them to whip the child with an extension cord and lock them in the closet for a week.  The latter deserves intervention. 

In my estimation, for the severity of the breech of trust that David performed, his punishment was just fine.  The fact that he was given the chance at redemption is very lucky.  With that in mind, if Vanessa had trussed him up and was about to chop off his genitals with a hedge clippers against his will, I'm pretty sure Lady Grey would have probably stepped in there. 

My advice overall is to try to understand the frame of reference.  Learn more.  There are hundreds of different flavors out there, each of which are unique and different.  Passing judgment without understanding is never a wise choice.  Asking questions to understand it better is a very wise choice.

/end rant

Misunderstanding Fantasy

I had another realization today that makes me feel kind of dense for not seeing it before.  In the past year I've come across a lot of Dommes that are vocal about being anti-fantasy.  They post it on their profiles, their blogs, discussions, and the like.  I am personally a big proponent of the potential of fantasy so I felt rather lost as to why this is.

What I grasped is that there is a fundamental difference in how they perceive fantasy as to how I perceive fantasy.

My view of fantasy: envisioning something that isn't occurring right now or recounting something that has already happened.

Their view of fantasy: Femdom porn videos and pictures.

I don't watch porn.  I have seen a handful of videos and clips here and there but it is not something I am well-versed in.  I don't even know what "stereotypical Femdom porn" looks like.  I may find some pictures now and then but generally I find fashion or glamor shots that are done in a tasteful manner give me greater appeal.  If I had to guess what they are railing against it is likely the idea of some 45-minute whipping and teasing session with a leather (or latex) clad dominatrix doing things to a hapless male sub.

If there are a large number of men out there that believe staged events meant to generate income are "real," then I can sympathize to a much greater degree than I currently do.  When you filter out the wankers, I don't believe that any sub that is worth a damn actually expects their real life to be a porno.

I fantasize a lot.  Like... a lot.  My view is that just because something isn't real, that doesn't make it unrealistic.  Even if it is occasionally real to have a 45 minute play session with some dress-up and theatrics, I'm generally more concerned with the other 23 hours and 15 minutes of the day.  The intimacy of aftercare.  Breakfast.  Bedtime rituals.

I fantasize about taking showers with my Mistress where I gently wash her body and hair.  I fantasize about how I wish to greet her as she walks through the door.  I fantasize about cooking her a delicious meal and carefully watching her face as she takes the first bite.  I fantasize about feeling her arms around me and the smell of her perfume as we embrace.  I have done all of these things dozens or even hundreds of times, but if it's not based upon a specific event... it is in fact a fantasy.

I don't always fantasize about the mundane, but it is almost always things that I have already done and would like to do again.  I enjoy a 4-hour marathon sex and play session where she has over 50 orgasms.  For several years this was the average, but if I picture doing this again, it is a fantasy.

For a while now I've felt self-conscious about this but from now on I'm going to stop worrying about it.  I have enough experience to know what is realistic.  I have enough experience to know just what isn't probable because it's a pain in the ass.  I have enough experience to know what will appeal to her.

If anything, this is a call for people to define their terminology.  Taking a narrow definition of a word and broadcasting it as if it is the only definition of the word isn't a wise decision.  It impacts others.  I've heard it come from the mouths of newbies who adopted the belief from reading the words of those with more experience.

Fantasy isn't bad.  Wankers who want a fetish model to get topped from the bottom are bad.  It's exhausting having to explain myself.  It's even more exhausting to be written off without a chance to explain.

I've been asked on numerous occasions why I don't watch porn.  I answer them simply: I make my own porn in my head. 

If you want an example of one of my fantasies, a short one can be read here:
A Quick Fiction D/s Fantasy: Breakfast

Internet Warriors

Over the past year I've learned something new about myself.  I am no longer willing to go to battle on the internet.  I'm fairly old-school internet.  I didn't have a computer in the BBS days but I know what IRC and newsgroups are.  a/s/l? makes me want to cringe and punch someone in the neck.  I know better than to click on any link that shows up.  Anyone around during goatse.cx knows exactly what I'm talking about.

I used to go to war quite a bit.  If someone said something that I felt was blatantly wrong... I didn't rest until they conceded defeat or enough of an army had jumped on the bandwagon to continue fighting well after I no longer needed to.

I no longer partake in such activities.  Some might call this maturity.

I can't tell.  The impulse is still there.  I read something and feel that rush of adrenaline, my impulses screaming at me to grab my armor and weapon and head into battle.  Something feels drastically different now.  Beliefs feel like regimes.  Consensus agreement feels like propaganda.  The words spew forth, like a brainwashed member of "the cause" spouting the catch phrases of their visionary dictator.  Disagreement is thought crime.  Nonconformity will lead the gestapo straight to your door.

It takes me all of about 10 seconds to decide it's not a fight worth fighting. 

There was a time when you could talk to people.  Debate.  Examples.  Counter-examples. Evidence.  Discussion.  Points of view.  Relativity.  When the dust cleared that was a new understanding of one another and a whole lot of different views to consider and evaluate. 

I don't know exactly when the great change happened.  People don't want to listen.  They don't want to consider anything that is different from what they already believe.  What is even more troublesome is that they don't even attempt to support their views.  They are just "right" and there don't need to be reasons. 

One of my favorite things is when someone is able to change my mind on something.  They make a case that is so strong and compelling and with enough reasoning an evidence that I cannot deny its truth.  I LOVE when this happens.  I want to hear someone argue with me with passion.  I want to (virtually) see their eyes light up as they present their case that is obviously dear to their heart.  They finish and I evaluate against my own beliefs and wonder if they can coexist or not.  In some cases I find myself in total agreement.  In others, I may not fully agree but I can understand their frame of reference and the validity of the points within it.  The biggest thing is that there is a shared respect in the end.  This is rewarding and promotes growth of everyone involved.

In some ways current internet warfare feels like marching off against fanatics.  How dare you question the accepted teachings?  The battle cry pierces the air and a unified group of voices quote in unison, page 19 paragraph 3 of the manifesto. 

At this point I sit back at my desk and just think, "what the hell happened?"

That's not to say that I don't get into the occasional skirmish.  I just choose carefully when it comes to the battlefield.  

Random Rambling

I realized something tonight and it feels a bit strange that it took me until now to understand it.

I know that with my recent D/s writing I have slipped back into my "impersonal style" of years' past.  After deleting another dozen half-finished post in the past day, two important things have stood out to me.

1. Most bloggers are able to just recount an event or experience as it happened.
2. For some reason I feel like the D/s posts I write must be important or informative in some way.

The second limits the hell out of me and affects the first.  Rather than just talking about something and letting people draw their own interpretations from it, for some reason I find myself presenting it in a way that focuses upon what I feel should be interpreted from it, and due to #2, I only post it if it seems important.

I'm not sure why I do this but it is probably something I should work on.  It would make writing a lot easier.

My #1 Fetish: Symbolism

Fetish probably isn't the right word to describe this, but through submission I seem to be drawn to symbolism more than anything.  When looking at events or ideas within the "bigger picture" context, my body finds a way to respond with involuntary, unconscious arousal.

Some might say that my penis betrays me. 

While there are a large number of activities and ideas that give me direct arousal, there are an equally large number that hold no rational appeal to me whatsoever.  For these latter types, expanding upon them with dialogue, description, or reasoning that provide them with a frame of reference is often enough to find myself erect, confused, and trying to wish it away.

When our eyes meet and she pries into my soul and I feel the dread of what is to happen next, she can simply look down and ask, "you must actually want this, don't you?"  My denial must seem like empty words to her at this point as my brain screams "no" but I cannot hide the erection.  At this point it is especially easy to get my emotions twisting and turning and find myself lost in the depths of subspace.

To be honest, this terrifies me and it took me a very long time to figure out just what was going on.  At some point my body began responding in a thematic sense.  Control.  Status.  Power.  Principle.  Pleasure.  These themes fall at the root of D/s.  These themes fill my thoughts as my head spirals around in fantasy or subspace.  What I recognize is that nearly any act, when perceived as a symbol of these themes, triggers my arousal. 

It has reached a point where they don't even need to accompany a direct act or even a fantasy.  Just talking about them gets me going.  If I were to say the words to someone, "protocols are rules put in place to display the status inequality between Domme and sub."  I'm aroused.  The same goes for, "domestic discipline is frequently used as a maintenance measure, reminding the sub of their proper place and attitude, even when no punishment is required."  Same result. 

I have to wonder if this contributes to why it is easy for me in my subspace to adapt to most of what can be thrown at me.  At times this concerns me as I can see it doesn't lead to a natural stopping point... things can just keep going and going as long as they symbolize the right things.

What is even more frightening is when I will read about an act that makes me want to cringe and bleach my brain.  This will inevitably return me to flaccid... until I read why it was done and the ideas behind it.  At this point I find myself wanting to douse my crotch with cold water and shout at it, along the lines of, "What the hell are you thinking?!" 

Thank you, everyone

I just wanted to thank everyone that left comments today or reached out through other mediums.

I fell into a really dark place last night and was mired in it for most of the day.  Through the support I felt and connections with you all it managed to lift up my heart.

It really means a lot to me.

Domestic Discipline as Therapy

I have memories of times like these when I was with F.  Because our contact and time we could spend together was limited we always did our best to make the most of it.  This at times was a bit tricky as extended solitude is often at the core of my demons. 

While I always wished for the best and was excited, looking forward to her next arrival there were some days where I was feeling a bit down and could not mentally prepare myself.  This was an emotional cluster-fuck as I was angry and disappointed in myself for not making the most of and appreciating the time.  I was angry and disappointed in myself for not being the best version of me for her.  I was angry and disappointed in myself for not being strong enough to keep the demons at bay.  This was good for no one.

F knew that I wanted the best for us.  She knew that it bothered me that I wasn't always in great mental condition.  After some extended discussion I made a request for her to punish me if I wasn't mentally prepared.  The night before our next meeting I would let her know my condition and if I was in bad shape, that would dictate the next day out of the gate.  This request puzzled her at first but I was able to explain that in my bad headspace I was not what I wanted to be, not what she wanted me to be, and that it made me feel doubly awful because I couldn't snap out of it when I wanted to.  Basically, I would end up feeling selfish because my own issues were "stronger" than my desires to love and serve her to the best of my abilities.

F would never shy away from reasons to hit me and this gave her an excuse on these days to unleash the sadist as soon as the door closed behind her.  After I would greet her with our rituals it was immediately over her lap where she would whup me to tears while scolding me for being selfish, ill-prepared, and failing to fulfill my promises to her.  This was usually followed by some time in the corner for "reflection on my poor attitude."  In its aftermath I was filled with remorse but earned forgiveness through penance.  My love for her was the focal point of my heart and I felt close and intimate on an extremely deep level.

While this might seem odd to those on the outside... it was very effective at bringing me to a better place.  It seems that the act supplied me with enough subspace-induced brain chemicals that it was able to over-power the chemical imbalances of my depression.  To this day it was the most effective kind of therapy I have ever had. 

I hate to show my struggles but sometimes they overwhelm

I would normally avoid posting when I'm in a mood like this as it is hard for me to put my present insecurity on display for the world to see.  I'm not one to cry out for help unless I've exhausted every potential avenue at my disposal.  From my experiences, giving off the impression of desperate or pathetic tends to act as repellent: it's not fun and people fear being dragged down by the drowning man.  Over the years I have trained myself to get by on very little.  I don't need reassurance... I just need someone there.  Their presence gives me proof that I am okay but their absence leaves me spiraling. 

The way I go about this is to show the opposite of what I'm feeling.  Be funny, charismatic, magnetic, energetic, excited, thoughtful, caring, attentive, and personable.  Show them what I can add to their life rather than drain from it.  Be amazing: the best version of me.

For most of my life this has worked out fairly well.  I attract others.  It is exhausting, but their presence soothes the pain on its own.  Connections are fulfilling.  I am okay.  Once things stabilize I am able to relax this part of myself. 

When it fails I collapse.  It completely drains me to remain in this state.  I turn the pain inward.  I wasn't enough. Blame myself, make an inward promise to try even harder next time.  Bask in the emptiness of rejection.

Two weeks ago T kicked the ground out from under me in a bad way.  It left me feeling despised... unloved... and isolated.  The place it left me in my head was utterly terrifying.  I shut down for a day and a half just to weather it out.  In its aftermath was when I began reaching out.

I do not approach people with weakness in hand.  I don't show up with the intent to take from them.  I approach and hope to contribute... to add to them... to impact their life in a positive way.  With blogs I scour and read and try to leave thoughtful comments and support.  I dig through forums and discussions, hoping to contribute and tapping into my experiences to help people and try to illuminate the path.  In chats I try to seek out those who easily get swept away.  The people who, like me, just want to be noticed and matter to someone.  I treat people like I want to be treated.  I give them the contact that I hope so dearly that others would give to me. 

When this fails I just want to scream.  I want to cry and smash things.  It makes my heart twist and ache.  I feel weak, pathetic, invisible, and rejected and I question what is wrong with me.  I can't understand what is wrong with me because this same course has granted success many times before.  Have I changed and I just can't tell how much?  Or has the world changed so much that I don't understand it anymore? 

Seeing as how the new people I reach out to do not even give me a response... I have no idea.  I just know that it hurts and I would not to subject others to this same set of feelings.

So, for the entire world to see as I sit here in a state of misery: I need a hug.

Inside of me

Inside of me resides a terrified little boy.  He is the truest version of how I feel and see the world.  He has been abused, neglected, and starved for attention and love.  The little boy is resilient, he keeps on going even when life hurts.

This boy is at the core of my submission.  He calls upon all of the talents at his disposal and launches himself without hesitation into the fray, hoping that she will notice... hoping that she will toss him a few crumbs of affection to feed his starving belly.  He learned long ago that nothing is free.  He diligently toils through his labors, brimming with pride.  The next scattering of crumbs remind him that not to expect what is not his to give or take. 

Always working, always pressing, always hoping that this will be enough.  "I'm good enough," he thinks.  The crumbs speak back to him, "good enough, FOR NOW."  No time to rest, never perfect, always room to improve.  He pushes and pushes, trudging along, one foot in front of the other.  Standing still is death.  Keep pressing.

He becomes twice as good to feel half as good.  The next batch of crumbs tell him, "you are barely acceptable."  Sometimes he cries, screams, and wails, flailing in the darkness, unsure of where to go.  When he tires, he picks a direction and off he goes. 

Her voice calls out to him in the darkness.  It guides him to her.  He approaches, timidly, awkward, but with lots of hope.  The touch of her hand makes him tremble and he nearly cries out of happiness that someone could see him.  She pulls him close and mesmerizes him with her words.  She becomes the focus of his heart. 

He listens intently as she lays down the rules.  He agrees to them one by one without hesitation, not noticing the predatory shift in her aura.  She closes her arms around him, marking him, and this fills his heart with joy.  It is enough to fill his belly.  She sends him off to toil for her and he goes all out, hoping to impress her and keep her affections.  She readies a handful of crumbs for his return. 

#10

I've typed and deleted nine posts tonight.  Nine.  Lots of things seem like a good idea at first but end up seeming stupid when I get them down on (virtual) paper.

I've been in a strange mood lately.  The past few posts I've been able to tap into the voice of my heart but today it feels blocked.  I'm overly sensitive right now.  My annual attempt to reach out through fetlife, chats, and newer blog authors was again a complete failure.  The barriers on my heart are choosing to interpret this with disappointment and frustration rather than turning them inwards and blaming myself... although this will inevitably happen in a few days.

I like to think that I'm someone worth knowing.  I can't do much about it if others don't feel the same way.

I will turn to my default reaction to these feelings:  cherish the hell out of what I have.
There are a half a dozen people or so in the online kinky web that mean the world to me.  Without you guys, I don't know where I'd be.  Probably stuck, lost, depressed, and gone from this medium. 

To everyone that leaves comments, emails me, and the like... you guys are amazing.  To ye, I dedicate a hammer dance.

Wordpress take 2

I ended up discontinuing my Wordpress mirror as I managed to make myself invisible there by marking my blog as mature without realizing what that would do.

I relaunched it a few days ago if anyone wants a more mobile-friendly way of reading that doesn't show all kinds of blinding pink.  I should note that I am not mirroring every post on Wordpress.  My whiny depression posts and anything to do with fur will likely be here only as I'm hoping a more mainstream scheme will keep people from running away screaming :P

https://fcsyblog.wordpress.com/

Being Vulnerable

I think one of best and worst things about being a submissive is the state of intense vulnerability that goes along with the territory.

At its beginnings, this is terrifying.  You allow someone else to see the absolute truth of who you are.  They delve into your psyche and discover your hopes, your dreams, you fears, and what makes you tick.  I think what frightens people the most about this is the power it yields.  If someone know these things, they can control, manipulate, and utterly dominate you. 


This is why trust is so important.  This is why love is so important.  This is not something to be taken lightly, the potential for damage is too great.

What some people cannot see is that with trust, vulnerability is absolutely beautiful.

How amazing is it that we can show the depth of our souls to someone else and have them accept us for who we truly are? 

To understand that all you have to do is think about how many times you've found yourself putting on a false face for the world, did things you didn't agree with, said things that you didn't want to, or hidden parts of yourself you didn't want others to see.  For many, the majority of their lives are spent this way.  The true self is buried deep within while going through the motions that are necessary to survive the world. 

It feels amazing.

On the other hand, being too vulnerable leaves us defenseless.  There are times and places where vulnerability is appropriate but it is not for general purpose use.  Having experienced the depths and strength of connection, I find myself craving to be able to be my true self.  It hurts when this isn't possible... the kind of hurt that lingers... the kind that breeds doubt... the kind that makes us afraid. 

At times it's like an addiction: bliss in its presence and agony in its absence. 

I trickle out these tidbits of self... and then remind myself why I shouldn't.

Learning Curves

When I hop back into the kink universe I end up encountering people of a wide variety of experience levels.  There will always be an influx of the new... the previous-new become the experienced, and the experienced become the veteran. This is true of just about every hobby, interest, or experience imaginable. 

It is strange when people as a whole lose sight of the frame of reference that they themselves have experienced.  This doesn't happen to everyone.  It happens "enough" for me to notice.

There are many people eager to learn... still on the early stages of the learning curve.  This is when things are incredibly exciting: so many avenues yet to be explored and potential all around us.  The mind absorbs like a sponge, thirsting for understanding of concepts and a constant ebb and flow of wondering what will end up appealing to both the mind and the body.

In these times it is important to exercise great care when communicating with these people.  Their minds are a sponge... and will soak up what it is fed.  This can be encouraging and positive, helping them sort through the wave of novelty in a way that steers them away from pitfalls and easily avoidable mistakes.  They can also be filled with toxic attitudes and out-of-context ideas that force them into corners... paths with a fixed end and no freedom to choose.

It is easy to throw caution away and say, "well what I say isn't intended for them."  If that is the case, then who are we actually writing to?  Who will benefit or gain from what we say?  I doubt that a submissive that has spent more time in the lifestyle and under more intense dynamics can gain much from what I have to say.  With that in mind, I am writing to those who have slates that are not completely filled in.  The people with blank spaces still trying to figure out who they are, what they want, and what they will enjoy. 

I will admit that there are times when I write just for me.  I can understand when people choose to target a specific audience.  There are times when I write with a purpose and wish to communicate or convey an idea or belief and in these times I try to make sure that I include something of the process and reasoning as to how I reached this end.  That way it can possibly help guide someone who is on the learning curve, showing them the path I have found from A to B and giving them more to go on than just "this is B and that's how it is." 

While there are a good number of people who write and share in this way I think it's important to keep this in the back of our minds.  Who we were last year is different from who we are now and we were all at some point, beginners.

Barriers

This past week has been a bit of a struggle internally.  I shouldn't really be surprised due to the events from two weekends ago but I'm now in a state where I wish to write... yet unable to write about the things that I want to.

I can feel the barrier up around my emotions as I sift through them and try to heal.  I hate this feeling but understand what is going on. 

My writing will probably be all over the place for the next week or so but I hope to keep on writing and work through it.

Musings in my head

There was a time in my life when I was sure of myself.  I wasn't happy, but I stood by my beliefs with conviction and had evidence to support them.  I felt like I understood many things... and my place among them.  It was very easy to "be strong and do the right thing" because everything was laid out in a neatly defined system.

Lately I have found myself wondering a lot more.  I no longer feel like I have anything figured out.  The concept of "right" is an idea... and it is a shifting mass that expands and contracts without ever taking a static form.  As such it is impossible to determine what is right... there is just the idea and how it pertains to any single moment.

I no longer feel strong or have a certainty behind my actions.  The more I come to understand myself the more I see how many of my choices are made out of weakness.  The old me would have chastised myself for behaving this way.  The current me sees a system that allows me to get by in the best way that I can, free from pride that may cloud my judgement.  I feel weak. 

The only truth I can grasp are the feelings in my heart.  What I might desire or long for... what allows me to exist from one moment to the next... in a wave of unstable emotional well-being the basic feelings remain the only constant within me. 

I need to love someone.  That is the only certainty which exists within this version of me.  When I scrape away the clouds surrounding my mind that is the only clear vision of truth. 

Romanticizing D/s

Some conversations with a friend recently have made me realize that I really have a tendency to romanticize D/s dynamics, concepts, and ideals.

I think a lot of this is rooted in my psychological damage.  I am firmly convinced that I have to earn every bit of love and affection I might ever receive.  Perfection and excellence keep me "worthy" of being kept around.  Only dedication and supreme effort all the time give me any kind of emotional security.

I will admit that writing this out makes those things look rather twisted.  To be honest, those aren't conscious realizations that I ever experience.  Those are the result of analysis and the understanding I have come to about how I process my emotions.

I can openly admit that I am only truly happy when I love and I am loved.  As such, when I am lucky enough to be in love, all of those feelings are channeled into actions and my beliefs naturally shift to preserve that state.  Again, this is not a conscious process, as it is happening I just feel the constant driving need to make her happy.

Prioritizing her needs comes naturally because I want her to be happy.
Nothing that she wants can ever be unfair or unreasonable.  If I feel that way I am undeserving of her love.
Any corrective measures applied towards me are signs of love and help me preserve my place in her life and I love her for helping me.
I should happily accept because is what she desires.
I should not expect from her if she does not freely offer it, as that violates the spirit of my devotion.

My mind has a way of coping and creating answers to any question that might otherwise disturb the peace. 

On some levels these might seem stupid and potentially dangerous.  I agree with both of those assessments.  They are the means of coping I developed at a young age to deal with a broken situation and I still seem to lean on them to this day. 

A positive it is that the women I have been in love with have never questioned the depth of my love, the strength of my devotion, or the truth behind my desires.  Another would be that within the darkness I learned to love with all of my being and accept her desires as if they were my own.

While I may at times feel battered and broken, I accept things as they are.

I feel old

A friend of mine invited me to a D/s chat group.  I'm a few years older than most in there but there seems to be a constant stream of young and clueless people that filter through.  As much as attempting to socialize in such a way fills me with dread and anxiety, I'm making an effort to bear with it.

I can't help but be amused/horrified at what people do in an attempt to "impress" a Domme.  Open with a cock shot.  Follow with an ab shot.  That's the ticket, right?

While I might be slightly jealous of their abs, I have to believe they would have better luck taking a photo of a post it with "I am funny, interesting, and have a good personality." written on it. 

I'd say "what's wrong with young people today?" but then I remember that this has been happening since I entered the kink community.  In any case, I can't help but feeling old.

What punishment is to me

It's kind of interesting that I've thought a lot about punishments today.

In addition to the blog I found I was also asked about this by a Domme friend earlier today.

I am not perfect.  I want to be perfect.  Perfect is not just accuracy of action, it is a state of being... a state of mind... an ideal that we chase even though it is impossible to ever reach it.  I have always been of the school of thought that if you put all of your effort into something impossible, you will be closer to it than if you didn't try at all.

Perfection is complete love, adoration, and obedience.  It is putting her desires to the forefront of my mind at all times.  I will fail.  I always do.  My best intentions are never enough to take me there. 

Perfection is the ideal attitude... always eager to please and happy simply for the chance to serve.  I comply not out of fear but because my perfect self is happy to be useful to her.  I will fail.  I always do.  It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but it will happen.  I guarantee it.

Perfection is the purity of my desire to see her happy.  The purity of placing her needs above mine.  The purity of graciously accepting what she gives to me and never desiring anything beyond that.  I will fail.  I always do.

Perfection is executing every act with total accuracy, mastery, proficiency, and speed.  It is only showing the best version of my capabilities.  It is doing every in just the right way every time.  I will fail.  I always do.

I am okay if she expects me to be perfect.  This means that she believes in my potential and has faith that I can be the best version of my ideal submissive.  That is the goal that I chase.  I feel if I reach it that I will have worth and be proud of myself.  I seek it because it will make her the most happy with me.  If I find it, I may even feel worthy of her love.

To me, punishment shows her faith in my potential.  It shows her willingness to be patient with my shortcomings and guide me to the right path.  She saves me from mediocrity and helps me improve myself in my constant quest for perfection. 


I am not a masochist.  I do not crave her disappointment.  I suffer when I let her down.  I suffer when I fail my expectations I have for myself.

I may never be perfect but I want to be.  Perfection is what she deserves. 

I Encountered a new D/s Philosophy Part 2

Now that I have had a chance to really organize my thoughts on this I have come to a realization that it was actually a bigger picture idea that was my hangup and in the previous post I trapped myself a bit on a few specifics.

In the more general sense I think it is because having a very strict and controlling set of dynamics is something that is not reached very easily.  In most cases where I see these relationships flourishing, it took years to reach that point.  Years of training, behavioral correction, and a well-developed trust in order to facilitate the required intensity.

By steering clear of punishment it makes two large statements:
1. You must be (nearly) perfect in your behavior as you are right now.
2. You must have the mental fortitude to over-ride any external distraction.

That is a very, very tall order.  I guess I just tend to feel that this type of submissive is created, not born.  They must be guided and trained in order to reach this point.  While they will develop mental tools over time to combat the factors of daily life, that too has a learning curve that takes extensive time and experience to build.

This is where my feelings were "sticking" on this subject. 

I hope this clarifies a bit where I was going with the previous post, I just hadn't found a way to articulate it yet.

I Encountered a new D/s Philosophy

I discovered a new Femdom blog that had roughly 50 posts with 0 comments over a two-year span.  I've found myself agreeing with the vast majority of the author's thoughts... like 95% or so. 

There is a recurring them that keeps popping up though, that doesn't quite sit right with me.  I had been able to avoid directly confronting it with the majority of the posts but finally reached one that left the topic unavoidable and I stopped.

It is rare that I have to spend a lot of time dealing with conflicting emotions when it comes to D/s.  I've done enough thinking, fleshing out of ideas, and philosophical discussion that I have a fairly good idea on my stance on many topics as well as what they would entail in a lifestyle situation. 

In this case it took me about a day to stew in my thoughts before I realized what didn't sit right with me.  It's not that I disagree with this person's desires/sentiments, it's more that I do not come across subs that would be able to fit this role.

The blogger seeks a loving monogamous D/s relationship.  The dynamics that they desire are rather intense: obedience without question or hesitation, full sexual control, full financial control, and a sub that is ultimately versatile and able to shift modes to whatever is needed, e.g. domestic service, romantic partner, whipping boy, etc.  There is one key point and this is the one that has me a bit stumped: they do not want to have any sort of punishment dynamic.  The sub should never need or want to be punished and should never require additional motivation to complete their tasks.

I've been going over things in my head trying to understand why my brain puts on the breaks when I read the strength of the words behind that latter part.   The first hang-up is a simple one: the sub should be a masochist as pain will be involved but only as play and not as punishment.  This removes those that do not desire pain but thrive under punishment dynamics.  I also do not know many masochists that thrive under the whole gambit of 24-7 submissive roles.  I'm sure some do, but in many cases their subspace has physical triggers.  There may be some remaining masochists that are equally drawn to psychologically driven subspace, but I find that subs that thrive under the psychological subspace to be rare in general, let alone ones that are also masochists that would enjoy non-punishment pain.

The second aspect that I struggle with is that this in many ways requires a unicorn (a mixture of ideals that rarely occur at the same time).  In an idealized sense, this probably most closely resembles the idealized version of FLR.  Unfortunately I have rarely if ever seen an idealized version of FLR and the majority of blogging I find on the subject pertaining to real world relationships is rooted in unhappiness with how the relationship fails to achieve its ideal.  The failing component at hand is that the vast majority of male subs are unable to maintain a perfect subspace that allows them to eagerly comply at all times by their own volition.  Life, fatigue, work, stress, mood fluctuations, sexual needs/desires, and so on introduce variables that can decimate the ideal:  I know how I WANT to feel, but it is not how I ACTUALLY feel.

If the naturally occurring subspace isn't deep enough, external factors can easily pull a sub out of space and into poor mental state that they do not wish to be in, but cannot get out of.  This is where a punishment dynamic comes into play.  A good sub will rarely require punishment (we will assume for this section that they are not a brat or masochist that will bait the Domme for pain play).  A good sub tries their best and feels guilty when they fail.  They try their hardest to keep their mind in the right state but sometimes they can't.  The existence of potential punishment creates an underlying dynamic that provides a boost in regards to subspace.  The awareness of the dynamic stacks on top of the sub's desired focus and pushes them into an even deeper state of passively maintained subspace.  While external stress may pull them up, in many cases will not pull them all the way out.

Is this necessary?  No.  Is this extremely helpful?  Yes.  It's not like a sub wants to fail, I just don't know many who can keep it up simply under the power of their own desire. 

To outline this in more basic terms, a sub that will thrive in this sort of lifestyle will most likely get an erection (and accompanying positive mental state) while doing the dishes, knowing that this is part of his submission.  Insert enough stress and the erection fades, as does the positive mental state leading to a decline in performance and guilt over said decline.  The presence of a punishment dynamic can restore the erection and pleasant mental state and steer a sub clear of several pitfalls. 

Something I have kept in mind through my reading is why does the poster feel this way?  I don't know for certain but the strength with which this ideal is stated leads me to believe that the rigidity of this belief has been tempered by a repeated number of submissives that seem to reside in some form of fantasy land where the Domme is some whip-cracking fetish Goddess that wishes to stand over their shoulder making sure the sub washes the dishes thoroughly.  While there may be one Domme in a million that wants to do that, the other 999,999 do not.  I could be wrong... but it tends to feel this way. 

The other aspect that comes to mind is that setting up consequences requires work.  Depending upon the Domme's temperament this can be seen as good or bad and in this case, bad.  In a way, it is like wanting to maintain a strict set of dynamics that are patrolled only by ideals and the sub's desires.  I'm just not sure if this is really possible to be sustainable in the long run.  Now that I think about it, it is this aspect that is probably what gives the most mental resistance out of all.

I also should note that I don't disagree with the author's ideals, I simply look at how that type of dynamic would be maintained over say... ten years.  I don't know many/any subs that would be able to thrive in such a scenario.  They may be out there, they are just rare. 

A new avatar

I guess you could think of it as a "re-branding" of sorts but I am changing my avatar for the first time in 5 or so years.

This one is a bit less flagrant.  Not exactly a major thing.  If anyone likes/hates it compared to the old one please let me know.

For the record, it is a crop of this pic that I posted years ago:

Why I blog

I've been thinking a bit about why I blog.  I definitely write for different reasons now than I did when I started back in 2010.

In the beginning my motivations were rather simple.
Some were from arrogance: I have something interesting to say that other resources do not.
Some were from loneliness: There have to be other people out there that are similar to me.
Some were from frustration: Why is it that hardly anyone else writes about things that get me off?

Back then I would find just enough content to prove it was out there... but never enough to satisfy... never enough to build a community around it.  It felt so isolated.

Now I feel like 10% of my writing is with the intent to be interesting and roughly 90% rooted in loneliness.  Those same motivations still exist on some level... but only one of them really drives me enough to write. 

I can't tell if that comes off as more honest or more pathetic, but seeking others that I can relate to or interact with in some way is something that doesn't happen as often as I would like.

I am very grateful to those who make regular comments.  I struggle a lot inside and it really means a lot to me. 

Last weekend...

This past weekend T instigated a couple of fights that led to my first panic attacks in almost a year.  They were bad and I found myself in a mental space that I really would rather not ever experience... places that are much darker than I care to admit.

I feel like things in our relationship are getting broken beyond repair.  While we can band-aid things it never really stops the bleeding.  I don't know how much more my heart can handle this.

I'm feeling a bit emotionally spent.

D/s and BDSM

It seems the deeper I fall into submission, the less I care for the ideals and principles that serve as the foundation of the BDSM community.  I understand them on some levels, namely that in an environment where one person is empowered over another, safeguards have their purpose.  From my experiences in the BDSM community, it is common for many to play with a variety of partners, often without love involved and in some cases, where the two parties don't know each other very well.

The rules and safeguards are put in place in order to avoid abuse and cautionary tales.  It is easy for a sub to get caught up in the moment and get in over their head.  That being said, I feel like these rules are mostly aimed at Mf and that they occasionally frown upon the development of intense lifestyle D/s dynamics that occur over longer periods of time within loving relationships.

The BDSM community continuously comes up with new terms and protocols towards some of these intense activities but at their core, there seems to be a continuous juggling act of where dynamics stop and abuse starts. 

The 24/7 lifestyle D/s Femdom relationships that are the type that I desire frequently involve intense levels of emotional manipulation and control.  This is, of course, consensual on the level that the sub agrees to go down this path even if it includes a mixture of things they like and dislike.  I can see how these would be extremely dangerous in a casual play environment with great potential for emotional damage.  I am of the type that looks to the long-run... I submit to the one I love with the intent on it lasting forever.

I think that the most pronounced spot that BDSM ideals fail in lifestyle D/s is in regards to what a sub "needs and wants."  For those who have experienced intense depths of subspace, these depths are frequently fueled by having your emotions twisted and turned, your ego crushed, and being put into lose/lose situations.  This creates a disconnect between a sub's rational self and its sexual/psychological self that is rather complicated. 

To give a contrast:
A masochist acknowledges that pain gives them pleasure, so they request and consent to pain.  This is a straight forward situation between both Domme and sub.

A submissive as illustrated above may want to have an orgasm but being denied an orgasm increases both the intensity of their arousal and the depth of their subspace.  In this case the sub has what they rationally want and what they psychologically crave.  A Domme then must read into things and decide if they wish to cater to the sub's rational side or their psychologically submissive side.  This isn't straight forward at all since there is no clear cut "mutual pleasure" to be had.  There is Type I pleasure and Type II pleasure and it is common that both cannot exist at the same time. 

As I have been with some newer Dommes I have learned to encourage them in a different way.  Rather than struggle with confidence on their ability to properly read situations like that I encourage them to just ignore it.  I tell her to do what brings her pleasure and I will feel lucky if I experience pleasure in the process.  If that means she wishes to ruin every orgasm I have for the rest of my life, so be it.  My rational self hates the thought but my submissive self willingly endures.  If she wishes to punish me if every chore isn't completed to absolute perfection, so be it.  My rational self screams no but my submissive self feels this is how it should be. 

Would I ever recommend this type of submission to someone entering the lifestyle?  Hell no.  I would never recommend this without a history of trust and care between both individuals.  Does this mean it is better to discourage this type of relationship since it doesn't work for everyone?  Probably not, but then again it isn't wise to ever underestimate the stupidity of an inexperienced sub on the internet with his dick in hand. 

I guess I just find it difficult to connect with others when we see things from such different sets of eyes. 

It's nice to find something new every so often...

These Days...

I know that if I go without posting the time in between will just keep getting longer...

Lately I've been going through a mix of good and bad.  On the one hand, work and home life have me stressed and I'm having a severe lack of motivation to really... want to do anything.  There are no movies I'm really excited for, no shows out there that are really holding my attention except the new season of Billions which manages to occupy one hour a week... there just isn't a lot of things right now that make me excited and give me something to look forward to.

Most of the time I'm able to manage this on my own... which says that depression is playing more of a factor than I care to acknowledge.  I've mostly been reading as I purchased a few books a couple of weeks ago.

A friend has recently helped me get into subspace... and I miss it dearly.  In those moments all of the bad within me just sort of buries itself.  While my emotions are anything but calm, there is an underlying sense of peace and a sense of being alive.  Without these feelings I would probably feel a bit dead inside.  I am incredibly grateful for these times.

I try not to let myself feel overly guilty about this.  If anything truly haunts me it is the realization as to just how badly I ache in its absence and how long it takes me to return to a sense of "normal".

I know that the emptiness will retreat at some point... I just hope that it happens sooner rather than later.